Feb 26, 2009

Heartland: In which the folks at Heartland feel superior to yet another person.

1.6: One Trick Pony

Oh, Heartland. Why do I love you so much? Is it because all of your characters are constantly at each other's throats, consistently act holier than thou, and routinely fail to comprehend human emotion? Is it because I ultimately find it extremely disappointing that Thoroughbred was never butchered in such a manner? (Although, Thoroughbred butchered itself, so honestly a tv show would have been an improvement.) Come on, Canadians...give me a Thoroughbred tv show. You know you want to.

Here we are, moving on to episode six. Amy has a new horse that doesn't appear to need much help because it is not a) out of its mind or b) wild. The only problem appears to be the fact that it follows no formal commands. It will not stop, it will not turn, it will not go. It just plods around in a circle, totally ignoring Amy. Later on, Amy comes to the accidental discovery that the horse was totally trained with vocal commands. Whoa equals halt, get along equals some sort of moving forward motion, giddy up equals canter or something, I don't know. This becomes important later, as Amy doesn't yet know the background on this horse and has sent Scott out to rummage up some info.

Speaking of Scott, he is all morose because Carl randomly shows up at Heartland to sweep Lou up with his romantic investment banking lingo. Scott keeps his distance from the ranch, despite Jack's attempt to tell Scott that he needs to act like a man and just tell Lou what's on his mind. Scott never does get a chance to do this, because Carl is constantly around acting like a dick with his Bluetooth device thing and his WiFi and his jogging. He is displeased with this country life that Lou has immersed herself in, and has secretly set plans in motion to get her a new job in Chicago, where he will soon be moving. Mallory overhears these plans and ferries them to Amy, who immediately suspects that Lou has been plotting to leave Heartland without telling anyone. And then Mallory inadvertently steals the engagement ring Carl wants to give Lou.

Meanwhile, Scott has discovered the identity of the horse. He is a trick horse, and conveniently enough Scott also finds a trick saddle to give to Amy, because apparently you can't teach a trick horse anything normal? None of this made much sense to me. But whatever, because Carl wants to go on a trail ride and Amy, deciding that she should stop being a bitch for about five seconds, sets this up. She insists that Carl wear a helmet, and Carl is offended by this piece of safety gear. He also deems the horse she wants him to ride a nag, and insists that he wants to ride her horse, who also happens to be the trick horse. Why does she have the trick horse there? Well, you guys, it's time for some plot device! Are we all excited?

While Amy isn't looking, Carl climbs up on the trick horse and screams "yeehaw!" This happens to be one of the horse's commands, and it means BOLT. The horse gallops full tilt into the woods, and Amy has to go save him. We are then treated to an instance of Carl falling into a mud pit. Then he falls into the mud pit again. Afterward, Carl receives some medical attention and decides to propose to Lou during dinner. This is the absolute worst time for anyone to do something like this, because as we all know by now dinner is a particularly melodramatic time for everyone at Heartland. This time is no exception. Carl realizes in the midst of his proposal that the ring is missing, sending Mallory (who is always there...why is she always there?) running home so she can dig the ring out of the laundry. She arrives back to the ranch with the ring, only to find that everything has disintegrated over this Chicago job that Lou now knows about. Carl proposes, sticks the ring on her finger, tries to tell her how much he loves her and how happy they'll be in Chicago, but Lou decides that he's an asshole and replies, "I can't get this damn ring off my finger."

That is certainly not the answer Carl is looking for, but he accepts this and goes on his merry way to Chicago after Lou gets the ring off her finger. Then they all eat birthday cake to celebrate Jack's birthday. They are all laughing happily, totally amazing me because no one is suffering through a dramatic episode. Well, Amy probably was, but she was suppressing it.

We end the episode with some trick riding in slo-mo. Because Amy can trick ride, and she does it perfectly.

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