Riding Lessons (Or How to Be an Utterly Unreasonable Bitch)

Riding Lessons
Sara Gruen

As a world-class equestrian and Olympic contender, Annemarie Zimmer lived for the thrill of flight atop a strong, graceful animal. Then, at eighteen, a tragic accident destroyed her riding career and Harry, the beautiful horse she cherished. Now, twenty years later, Annemarie is coming home to her dying father's New Hampshire horse farm. Jobless and abandoned, she is bringing her troubled teenage daughter to this place of pain and memory, where ghosts of an unresolved youth still haunt the fields and stables—and where hope lives in the eyes of the handsome, gentle veterinarian Annemarie loved as a girl . . . and in the seductive allure of a trainer with a magic touch.

But everything will change yet again with one glimpse of a white striped gelding startlingly similar to the one Annemarie lost in another lifetime. And an obsession is born that could shatter her fragile world.

 I am back from my long, horseless reading stint to bring you what is possibly the worst adult equestrian novel I have ever read. It doesn't help that I had pretty high expectations going into this one, as I loved Water for Elephants.


Annemarie is the most unlikeable character I have met in a long, long time. She makes me itch to slap her silly. She is selfish and so self-absorbed it is no wonder her daughter hates her and her husband left her. Just saying.


As for the plot... well most it revolves around Annemarie's need to prove a horse her old flame rescues is fully related to Harry, who died in the accident years back that put an end to her competitive career. She becomes totally and uncompromisingly obsessed with this horse that she allows her family's business to fall into disarray.


I wanted to see her grow as a character and realize that her accident and loss is not an excuse to be a crazy bitch. This does not happen. I was just as annoyed with her at the end of the novel as I was at the beginning.


The reviews quoted on the cover suggest that this book at least as some romance to it. Maybe something would have developed beyond what it actually contained if Annemarie could get past herself and her needs and her, her, her, her. This is not a romance novel, people. I would rather throw The Horse Whisperer at you if that is what you are after. A Dan Brown novel contains more feelings and affection.


There is this one scene that amused me far more than it should. Annemarie, a total moron in the kitchen, gets it into her head to cook a gourmet meal for the love interest and basically almost burns down his kitchen. Such is level of her arrogance!


Basically, the whole book is batshit crazy. So many bad things happen in the space of a few weeks it is implausible. Not that Annemarie doesn't deserve them. She does. She deserves every single bad thing to come her way and then some.


And there you have it. I hated this book so hard.

Firehorse - A review!

Firehorse
by Diane Lee Wilson
2010

My first horsey read in ages! I had not heard of this book before finding it in a second hand bookshop a few days previously. What a stellar read!

Firehorse focuses on fifteen year-old Rachel, her struggles with her family and their beliefs that a stable is no place for a girl. While Rachel dreams of galloping astride a horse, her father holds her back and insists on her acting as a girl in the 1800s should. Be meek and submissive and cast a good impression for the family's rise up social ladders.

Then The Governor's Girl comes into her life. The Girl is a Firehorse, one of a team of four that pulls the fire engines around Boston. Close to death and badly burned, The Girl is a spirited, willful animal that would prefer to plant a hoof in the head of any human rather than
allow them to help her.

Through The Girl, Rachel learns that she does have a place: as a veterinarian.

Hey, look. I am not a fan of historical fiction but there is something special about this novel. It is more than the healing power of love a la many horse novels out there. *cough* Rachel actually has complex
relationships with her family (and the rather hunky vet) and has her own personal battles to win too.

The writing is fantastic. The plot complex and intriguing. It is so good, in fact, that I cannot be snarky about it. Read it and do not be put off by the setting. Any horse-lover will enjoy this one!

Derby Fever: In which we learn that Ashleigh has the memory of a goldfish

Title:Derby Fever (Thoroughbred 53)
Author: Mary Anderson

It is rather fitting that this book, easily one the worst in the series, has a cover this hideous. Both Star and Image look like cow horses and it seems dear Image forgot the power of Vitamin E enhanced lotion or something. Either that or she's suffering from equine leprosy.

Both girls seem to think that wearing a strapless helmet on a young Thoroughbred is a good idea and Melanie is throwing Christina a very Cindy-worthy Pout of Death. Or maybe it's the SuperPout(TM)!

Anyhoo, take note of the background, as it shall be returning in a few books time.

The whole plot of this book revolves around Christina wanting to race Star once more before the Derby and Ashleigh disagreeing based on her past experiences with Wonder's Pride. Yup, you got it. We have flashbacks in this one, folks! Are you as thrilled as I am?

Christina basically gets away with saying the most horrible, bitchy things to Ashleigh. If she was my daughter, I would have been like "Nuh-uh. No more pony for you."

The Star obsession and disagreement goes on for a while. Ashleigh thinks she somehow was responsible for Pride's near breakdown. Someone needs to reread #7. That's not quite how I remember it going down, but whatevs.

So, Ashleigh decides that the best thing for her whiny brat of a daughter is to ride in a race. Naturally. Not precious Star, though. She sticks her on one of the insignificant Whitebrook horses, Raven. Christina royally screws up that one, though. She is so busy thinking about Star (are we shocked?) and causes this big accident in which Raven gets hurt.

Well, in case we all forget, apparently Melanie just loves Raven. And boy is she pissed. I'm telling you, for two eighteen-year-olds, Mel and Chris know how to sulk it up.

So, in her pissed-off state, Mel gets in an accident. And this somehow is the magical catalyst for making up and being BFFs and shit again. That and a pretty pony statue. Mental note made.

The book ends with a mock race which makes everyone happy, even though Image won.

• Dani seems to wait around for the chance to walk Star or tack Star up or just basically be a servant to Chris's every equestrian whim. Poor girl.
• First Raven can't even be a broodmare and then she can? WTF. It just shows what the magical power of Whitebrook love can do.
• Mary's Charlie dialogue irritated me. It was like a copy/paste from every single book he's featured in.
• I secretly wonder if Star shits rainbows.
• Does no one really age? Ian is described as being "unchanged" from the days of Pride. There must be some magical water in Thoroughbred-land, especially for Jazzman to still be a viable stud. Pity Charlie never found it.

And that's it. The. Worst. Book. Ever. But wait! Next up is Cindy's Last Hope. Perhaps I have spoken too soon.

Heartland: More moral lessons and some bile for me...

Every New Day
Heartland #9
by Lauren Brooke

Firstly, I actually fucking hate this series. I would say it's the worst horse series ever created, but sadly Chestnut Hill takes that title going away.

So in this book, Every New Day, our dear Amy Fleming is a busy girl. She's grappling with a relationship with Ty, the stable boy. Who dropped out of school to become a Super Horse Helper. There's a winner for you, right there! People in this book actually have the audacity to say that Amy and Ty are perfect for each other. Yeah... I'd take that one as an insult, Amy.

Anyway, Amy is all shy about telling people 'cause she thinks this will place pressure on her. Besides, she's all determined to go to this Okanumba place that's run by this Native American horse whisperer, Huten. Apparently, her mother made a promise that she would go back there one day. And that didn't happen... cause... well... you know. Bad stuff happened.

Amy starts working with Mercury, the featured troubled equine of this book. Mercury is owned by two guys and I just get the impression that they're gay. Two guys who ride? Who joint own a horse? Pardon me for stereotyping here, but years of reading these type of books have ingrained that tendency into me.

Back to Mercury. Ok, so this horse is a showstopper. But he's been badly treated in the past (big shocker there) and had his legs rapped to make him jump higher. Amy tries to fix him, and she and Ty disagree over some crap. Things don't go well. Mercury takes off with Amy, freaks out when he's even near fences.

Amy gets a brainwave! Maybe Huten can help! Then she can fulfill her mother's promise too! Yay! It doesn't take much to convince her grampa and big sister, Lou. Ty gets all sulky because his opinion doesn't matter. Boo-hoo.

So, she ends up going there for a week. Skipping school and everything. But we all know school isn't a big deal in horse books, so moving along here.

Huten is all blase and shit. How dare he ignore her needs! He makes Amy just sit in the paddock with Mercury! And goes for a walk ON FOOT to some tourist village where people are weaving baskets... is it the reed or the basket that the people are thinking about? This is the powerful question he poses Amy. She's all like 'duh... the basket!' and Huten is 'yeah... no. Wrong answer.'

Then Amy goes for a hack with Mercury and gets lost and then Mercury finds the way back and she's freaked that no one cares...

Only, it turns out it's all been part of her training. She has to let Mercury just decide things for himself! Wow!

After that revelation, Amy is able to jump Mercury. And then she makes up with Ty, who concedes that she was right all along.

Tear.

You know, I find it bloody hard to believe that a horse can be fixed just like that. I have been working with an Arab mare now for two weeks just doing ground work. Yes, I admit that I am trying out Parelli. And that it's surprisingly getting results. However, fixing broken horses takes time! I haven't even attempted to get on Shakeelah yet! Heartland, you are messing up the perceptions of young readers worldwide that natural horsemanship is a quick fix! It's not. Parelli himself states that it is a lengthy process. And I don't buy the Monty Roberts way of doing stuff, either. I'm just saying...

Phantom Stallion: Horse abuse is really not ok, ok?

Phantom Stallion 4: The Renegade
Terri Farley
HarperCollins 2003

The Synopsis

When an ambitious rodeo contractor comes to town, Sam worries. The woman wants to buy tamed mustangs from local ranchers, including Sam's dad, and doesn't seem to like taking no for an answer.
Then Sam spots the Phantom's herd- without him. She's sure he's been captured by the rodeo, but how will she find him? And even if she does, how can she set him free?

Oh lordy, the Phantom is in trouble again. It seems like everyone and their cat want this horse. But he's Sam's. You got that?

All in all, a fairly accurate summary, so not much else to be said here.

The Summary
The book opens with Rachel Slocum showing everyone what a spoiled little bitch she is by taking her father's horse, Champ, on a ride without telling anyone. Linc asks Sam and Jake to ride out and find her, which they do... on the floor and having a grand old tantrum. Sam gets all Jealous that Jake and Rachel get to share a saddle. Which is sort of cute, actually. I like how Terri touches on Sam's crush on Jake in this series. They have the classic love-hate relationship going on, which warms the cockles of my heart.

Linc Slocum makes mention about a rodeo contractor, Karla Starr, who is going to be buying some stock for her show from him, and she wants him to throw in a pale mustang to sweeten the deal. Oh, dear. What horse could this be, I wonder?

The next day, Rachel decides to try and coax Sam into teaching her to really ride, while not being upfront about the reasons behind this. Something about the "Best in the West" blah blah blah. She drops hints that the drought might be causing financial trouble for Sam's family and it would be in her best interests to cooperate.

Later Sam and her BBF, Jen Kenworthy, are out riding and find the golden fringe from a show jacket in the middle of the flats. Odd, no? Could Rachel and Karla Starr be connected somehow?

The Phantom almost gets hit by the school bus and Sam gets into big shit for saving him and risking her own life. She gets banned from riding the bus for two weeks, which is no biggie, as well as being confined to the ranch after school. Clever Sam cons Rachel into getting her driver to give both herself and Jen a lift as part of the riding lesson deal.

So, it turns out that Miss Perfect wants to win a Rodeo Queen competition so she can show her English brother, Ryan, that she's a real American cowgirl. So she also enlists Sam's help with finding the perfect horse for her. Joy. You can clearly see who our antagonist is in this series, yes?

Ace, Sam's little mustang gelding, has been escaping from his paddock and Sam begs to take him for a gallop. She and Jake go and we are treated to Sam's thirteen-year old mind's inner workings as she observes Jake ride Teddy. But, a storm breaks, releasing them of the drought, but causing the ground to go slippery. Teddy slips and falls and Jake breaks his leg. But he's all manly about the pain, so Sam is even more in awe of his awesomeness.

So, Jake is bedridden and Sam visits him on his birthday and gives him this bridle she bought him and some info she printed out on Native American trackers that she thought he'd be interested in. I have to say at this point that I really do like how their relationship is written. Terri really has a knack for characterization.

Sam's dad, Brynna and Gran go off to some fair to compete and Sam sneaks out to check and see if the Phantom is still with his herd. He is not and Sam ends up caught in a flash flood trying to save some stupid heifers who think drowning is the way to go.

Dallas, the wise and aged foreman, takes Sam to some local rodeos to look for him and then decided that the best event for him would be the wild horse race. But, no such luck.

Eventually, Brynna gets involved, being a BLM staff member, and they find the Phantom at some rodeo with some stock of Linc's and the shady Karla Starr.

He is released back into the wild and all is well.

Just a side note here, it is very clear that there is romance between Wyatt, Sam's dad, and Brynna. And Sam is not all that thrilled about it.

I like this series. There are some awesome lines and description that far surpasses any other horse series in the YA lit section. Plus, I like Sam. She's not little miss perfect all the time and makes some real human mistakes. And not everything is handed to her on a silver platter. Plus, we are constantly shown that she does not know everything there is to know about riding.

So, yeah. Not a bad book in the series, all in all. But it does get better as Terri settles into things and feels less need to explain the setting and characters.

Heartland: Apparently horses are people too... emotionally.

Heartland 7: Out of the Darkness
Lauren Brooke
Scholastic 2001

Alrighty, Mara informed me yesterday that Lauren Brooke isn't a real person. I was all "whaaat?" over it and then I really thought about it. That makes sense. Serious sense. It explains the vast differences between Heartland and Chestnut Hill for one thing.

It seems that Heartland is produced by three authors, who collaborated under the title of Working Partners (TM) which Heartland is copyrighted under. Lauren Brooke is a name they attached to their combined efforts. It probably looks better than having three names attached to a series like Heartland and the fans could then become attached to the author.

I have yet to find out or decide if a single author wrote a book, or if all three were involved in the writing of each. The one thing I always liked about Heartland was that it was consistent. There were very few errors in the series as a whole. Maybe now that I am aware of this, I might find little things that give me an answer.

Anyway, onto the book!

Basic Plot Points

• Our horse in need of healing this time around is Gallant Prince, a thoroughbred who was involved in a barn fire. He was branded as a hero because he escaped and alerted his handler, Ryan, about the fire. But both Prince and Ryan got hurt. Ryan lost his job as he felt responsible for the accident. He also ended up blind in one eye. Prince ends up at Heartland all wild and distrustful and Amy can't seem to do anything with him. He is also scared of the dark.
• Amy and Ty are all awkward around each other. Seems that kiss messed with Amy a bit and she doesn't want to lose Ty as a friend. Yeah, Amy. Ty is such a bundle of fun, we wouldn't want that at ALL. But this doesn't get resolved in this book. Maybe in book 8? The suspense is killer.
• Daybreak and her dam Melody are ready for a new home, but Amy doesn't want them to go. She and Ty have a little spat over this one. Eventually, Amy gives in and realizes that she's just being selfish. Again. They find a new home for Daybreak and I rejoice because it means that I no longer have to read about how special that foal is.
• Lou and Scott (McVet) are also fighting. Lou's new system paying for their creditors pissed Scott off.
• There is no progress on the father issue in this book. Tim is still MIA.
• Prince's secret to getting better is... did you guess it?.... his handler Ryan. Their super bond is all he needs to get better. And Ryan can stop being a recluse and go back to working with horses. Tear.

Points of Interest

• Why must thoroughbreds be branded as wild and unmanageable. A few times in this book, people tell Amy she's crazy to be taking on a thoroughbred. Damn you, children's literature. Thanks to shit like this, I had to deal with kids freaking out over riding the old TB plodder at the stables I used to work at.
• OMG, Lou got a computer for Heartland. No wonder this book is titled Out of the Darkness. Huzzah!
• I am sorry to say this Bach Flower Remedy people, but there is no way your oils will work to calm down a freaked out horse.
• I wonder if Ty finished school. Seriously.
• How the hell does Amy fit in school, working with horses and visiting Ryan near Baltimore all in one day? Where is Baltimore, anyway? Is it far from Virginia? I don't know these things.
• Sleeping in a barn will never solve a problem with a horse. They actually don't care if you are there or not. In fact, they would probably prefer it if you weren't there. You only end up smelly, dirty and with hay in your hair.
• Interestingly, this is the only Heartland with a painted horse on the cover. The rest are photographs.

Ok, I am on a roll. And determined to see if I can actually work out if a single author wrote a single book or not!

Heartland: It's all high drama and angst for Amy...

Heartland 6: One Day You'll Know
Scholastic- 2001.

Ah, welcome back to another exciting episode of Days of Our Amy, who leads a very horrible life. I am going to break this review down into a few sections so I don't bore the shit out of you retelling the whole damn book.

Basic Plot Points

• Daybreak, the foal of a mare Heartland took in, is a real little bitch. But, Amy feels all bonded and shit to her so it should all work out dandy. (What about your OWN horse, Amy? Sundance? Ring a bell?) But training Daybreak gives Amy a chance to work with Ty. Yay.

• Jack Bartlett AKA Grandpa is sick and refuses to see the doctor. He collapses and ends up in hospital with pneumonia. A plot twist I did not see coming.

• Lou goes to England in search of her father and HE'S NOT THERE! Oh noes! We can't have the elusive daddy plot concluded with this book, can we? (To fill those of you in, Tim Fleming was this super awesomely cool show jumper who got badly hurt in a big show and then freaked out and abandoned his family years back. Since then, Amy's mother has died as well as Tim's old horse, Pegasus. Tim sent a letter to Lou saying he plans to visit them in a few months, but Lou has daddy issues and she just couldn't wait that long.)

• Amy's friend Matt is in love with her but she rejects him like the self-obsessed bitch she is. So, poor Matt decides to date the hottest girl in school, Ashley Grant. Who also happens to be the Anti-Amy. Good for you, Matt. Good for you.

• Daybreak also gets sick to add the the drama. At least it makes her easier to handle and she can forge a SUPER BOND with Amy.

• Christmas rolls around, Lou is home and Jack is recovering from his pneumonia. We have a merry Heartland get-together and Amy and Ty watch a recovered Daybreak frolic in the snow. Do they finally kiss? Yes... yes they do. And it is so lacking in detail I really need to remind myself the intended readers of this series are 12 not 24. Bleh.

Points of Interest

• Don't they have the freaking internet in 2001? Can't Lou just e-mail her father instead of sending letters? WTF, people. Or phones. I hear those work well.

• At one point, Amy asks if they have Thanksgiving in England. Yeah, sure Amy. Along with the pilgrims and Native Americans too.

• Wow, Daybreak is special. She can buck discreetly. Ok... Lauren Brooke really tried too hard to work in the reading list words here me thinks.

• Lou is such a bitch. I can see where Amy gets it from. Going away when her Grandfather is sick? Selfish much? The old geezer could have pegged and then Lou would have been feeling all guilty about it for the rest of her life. Ask Amy about guilt, Lou. Seriously.

As a side note, Ty is sort of hot on the cover of this book. He could almost be my Brad. It's a pity he's such a vapid nancy boy.

Alrighty, onward to book 7. I might backtrack at some stage and review 3-5. I might not.

I can haz messed-up whores... I mean horse- Heartland 2!

Riiight, so I thought we were due for another visit to Heartland. The second volume, After the Storm, is a little less angsty than the first.
With an idea I sort of stole from another blog somewhere, I give you Heartland 2: The Script!

Amy: (sobbing) I miss my mother so much! It is my fault she is dead.

Lou: I am your sister and I am here for you, though I might move back to the city to be with my asshole boyfriend, Carl.

Ty: Look, Amy! We are going to try and fix Spartan, the horse that was involved in the accident! Yay!

Amy: Spartan hates me! He blames me too! I can't do it! I am such a whiny, self-abosorbed bitch!

Lou:Yes you are. I have plans for Heartland that will raise money and you won't listen to them! I feel like I have no place here! Maybe I should go back to the city with my asshole boyfriend, Carl.

Spartan: *attempts to kill Amy*

Grampa: We need to kill him! He is nasty and unpredictable!

Amy: I don't listen to anyone or anything! Spartan is going to be fine! I will just have to do something when you people aren't around to tell me what to do.

Ty: *converts oxygen into carbon dioxide*

Spartan: *rages*

Carl: Hi Lou! I am your smarmy, asshole boyfriend. I just got a job in Chicago and I know you want to move there with me! *g*

Lou: Oh gee. It is such an unclear choice. Maybe I need some proof that you are a wanker before I decide.

Carl: Ok. I will give you time while I hatch up some scheme! Mwahahahaha!

Amy: Gee Spartan, who knew that chasing you around in the middle of a storm would cure you? I bet Monty Roberts would be uber proud of me!

Spartan's Owner: I know you found me but you people gelded my prize special horse and now I don't want him anymore!

Amy: But Spartan loves you with an Undying Love that Only Fictional Equines Have For People!!!

Lou: Forget about that,we have a fundraising barn dance thing to organise! I am so happy that asshole Carl will be there too!

Amy: Wow! I was wrong to doubt you, Lou! This is going to be a success.

Carl: I am back and I know that job offer you got is so great and you're just going to move to Chicago with me, Lou!

Lou: You set me up! I did not see this coming! Fuck off!

Amy: Yay! Now Lou is going to be able to lust after Scott, the hot Vet!

Grampa: The party went so well. Now we have money again! At least for the rest of this book!

Amy: I am going to ride Spartan in a practice round at a show. I know he's not been jumping for more than a week but he has such talent!

Spartan's owner's grandkid: Gerry! You really have a cool name, Geronimo, but we have to give you a stupid nickname instead! I need to ride you in my class. My pony is lame!

Amy: Wow. Spartan loves this girl with a love like no other. I think she must take him home. I know I made Cindy look like an angel in this book, but I am now over blaming myself for my mother's death.

Spartan/Gerry: Neigh!

I have to admit that the books sort of get better after this one, when Amy grows up a little and stops throwing hissy fits all over the show. The twist with Spartan going to the grandkid was kind of sweet if overdone with the whole Special Bond thing. After reading this, I am even more convinced that Heartland and Chestnut Hill have been written by different people. Now that the drama has abated for the time being, I sort of enjoyed this one. It kept my attention for the hour or so it took me to read it. Although, my enjoyment is relative to the last book I read!


More Heartland? Chestnut Hill? Or maybe I will attempt to read Claire's TB Book of Doom, Star's Chance!

Chestnut Hill: Why TB doesn't suck that much, really!

Ok, so I figured I needed to find something truly terrible, something worthy to add my bit to the awesomeness that is the blog.

I bring you my review of Chestnut Hill 2: Making Strides. (I can’t find the first book, sadly, but I do own 2-6, so be prepared for the nastiness) This series is supposedly written by Lauren Brooke, the one and the same author who wrote Heartland. I, however, suspect that she handed her pen over to some 12 year-old fangirl.

But, there will be plenty of time later for me to go into detail about this, the shittiest horse series ever created. Let’s take a look at the cover!

The Cover

Nothing too much to gripe about here. You can’t go too wrong when you’re working with actual pictures of actual horses. And hey! Tybalt, our equine hero, is actually a bay. Shock. The only thing I hate about this cover is that it tempted me into buying the damn book.

The Blurb

Horses. Friends. Competition. Tradition.

Welcome to Chestnut Hill. An exclusive boarding school set among the rolling hills of Virginia. With a premiere riding program, Chestnut Hill has a long tradition of excellence. Here, the best and brightest learn to shine.

Malory has earned a spolt on the riding team and she’s found a close crew of friends, yet she still questions whether she really belongs at Chestnut Hill. Then a new horse arrives at the stable, and Malory is instantly drawn to him. But Tybalt is weary and defensive. Malory is determined to reach him, and she believes a girl called Amy Fleming can help. When it comes to horses, Malory has always trusted her instincts, and now she’s willing to bet her future at Chestnut Hill that Tybalt has what it takes to win.

It seems all innocent and sweet, right? And, for the most part, accurate. I just love how Brooke shamelessly sticks Amy (Heartland’s main character) in here. It’s kind of like she’s doing the whole self-promotion thing, especially considering how the CH girls worship Amy. Blah. Whatever. This is a bad book in disguise as a passable read.

The Girls

Malory O’Neil: she’s the star of this one. And the scholarship girl, which instantly gives her reason to feel inferior and play the “poor girl” role. She is, of course, naturally talented when it comes to all things equine.

Dylan Walsh: the Stevie Lake of this series, Dylan’s purpose is to make wisecracks and not to take anything seriously. I liked Stevie in the Saddle Club, so I should like Dylan, right? Not so. Dylan is irrational and stupid and annoying. She rides a pony called Morello, that she enjoys pretending is hers. But her aunt is the director of riding at the school, so she gets away with it.

Honey Harper: the girl from England is all demure and cute. Right now, she doesn’t have a special horse but I am sure that will be sorted out in the next book.

Lani Hermandez: well, Lani adds some Latino flavor to the series, I suppose. ‘Cause it can’t just be about rich white girls and their Louis Vuitton accessories! She is just there, for now.

Lynsey Harrison: the uber rich bitch antagonist who always has something nasty to say while wearing some monogrammed item. If Brad Townsend was a girl, he’d be Lynsey. Except, I bet he’d spell his name properly.

The Plot

So it’s Homecoming Weekend at CH, and all the girls in a tizz because they are only getting oatmeal for breakfast and they have to ride in front of the CH Alumnae later. Bitchy comments are exchanged and I can sort of understand why Lynsey acts the way she does. I gotta tell you, these girls can be nasty.

As is tradion with a Lauren Brooke series, Malory’s mother is dead, but it was two years previously, so I am spared from Amy-esque angst for now.

The girls eat hors d’oeuvres and talk shit while waiting for their class. Malory is riding bland old Hardy, who’s only a lowly school pony with the unfortunate show name of Hardy Har Har. I kid you not. Malory rides in the quadrille and then does a course on Hardy. She knocks a pole and we are sad. Plus, it gives certain girls ammo to tease the poor scholarship girl.

There is a Halloween party coming up, where the rich private school girls get to act all slutty with the rich private school boys of St. Kits (Christopher’s), their affiliated school. Malory cannot afford a costume, for shame! So she hides this from her friends. This is real drama, people.

After telling Lani that she reminds her of her grandparents dog, Malory talks about this awesome WonderHorse called Zanzibar, a name Brooke’s neice/daughter/fangirl clearly sucked from a Phantom Stallion book. She used to just randomly climb on this horse’s back in the paddock and ride it around, until her parents decided it might be safer to pay for lessons. Where Malory could ride with tack and under supervision. Like that one’s a real challenge to figure out. Anyway.

Dylan and Malory get asked to try out some new ponies by Mrs. Carmichael, Dylan’s aunt. They go and Malory finds Tybalt, who reminds her of Zanzibar! I’m telling you, a tear rolled down my cheek. Of mirth. Tybalt is all mistrustful, but Malory is convinced she can fix him and turn him into her own Super Special Horse! The horse’s owner gets all pushy and they end up taking Tybalt home with them along with Foxy Lady and Winnie.

But, this is a Lauren Brooke book and things will never go smoothly!

The girls are all excited about using Amy Fleming’s techniques to train Tybalt. You see, they were given a talk by Amy in the first book. Sort of like how some people think by watching a video on Natural Horsemanship, they can suddenly get a green Mustang off the range and train it in one day.

The girls go shopping for costumes and Malory again hides the fact that she can’t afford one. They see boys flirting with Lynsey, who is clearly living up to the whole slut reputation. Malory thinks of Caleb, a guy she used to ride with who will be at the party. He is hot. Like…. HOT. As far as Malory is concerned, anyway. Clearly she has not met Brad Townsend, who surpasses all standards of hotness like Glory does other racehorses.

Eventually, Lani confesses that she has no costume and the girls dress her up as Cleopatra. But no! Lynsey’s minion, Patience, is dressed the same! Turns out, Caleb, the hot guy, was supposed to be Patience’s date, but confuses her for Malory. Drama! Malory is all hurt and thinks that Caleb doesn’t remember her. I don’t care.

So, Tybalt has to be ridden at some stage. Lynsey gets the honor. She gets dumped and throws a prissy tantrum that the horse isn’t worthy of Chestnut Hill. Now we are scared Tybalt will get sent back to where he came from.

Hardy comes up lame and Malory has no horse to ride for the upcoming interschools competition. She asks Mrs. C if she can try Tybalt out, much to my shock. Or not. She rides and she does terribly and Mrs. C says she will have take Foxy Lady to the show instead, so all is not lost.

But, then we all have the epiphany that Amy Fleming can help! Yay! Amy works her magic with massage, join-up and herbal stuff. Tybalt is a totally new animal, thanks to love and all that crap. Malory rides him again and they do well.

Tybalt is so great and talented, that mere horses pale in comparison. Malory rides him a lesson and gets permission to take him to the show, which is always good to do on a pony that they know nothing about that hasn’t been worked hard in ages and ages. I am so glad there are books like this to instill good horse sense into impressionable young minds!

At the show, Tybalt freaks out and Caleb rescues Mallory from certain death. They debate about scratching him, but Malory cannot give up! Her ride goes badly and they mess up the course. Malory is sure that Tybalt will be sent away.

But, this is is aimed at children and we must all have our happy endings. Of course Tybalt gets to stay at CH! Mallory now has her very own special horse… aside from the technicality that she doesn’t own him, of course.

Monique’s Name-Dropping-o-meter! (Becuase it happens. A lot.)

• Scooby Doo

• X-Files

• The Flintstones

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer

• Rolex- the watch

• The Addams Family

• The Four Seasons
  

Points of Interest

• One of their classmates is studying poetry by Silvia Plath. I had no idea they covered that in middle school. I should send my kids to CH!

• Typical breakfast fare at CH is: French toast, waffles, muffins, THREE kinds of sausage (would that be beef, pork and vegan?) and fresh fruit!

• What is it with horse books and fucking blueberry muffins?

• I seriously hope I never compare a guy’s breeding to a horse’s.

I suppose I should stick with it and read CH3: Heart of Gold next. I warn you though, the books get suckier and suckier.

Oh, crap! Another Image book! TB #52: Perfect Challenge

Ok, so I hated this book, so this review is going to be as short as possible.

The Cover

This is a scene that didn't happen in the book and that instantly annoys me. Plus, Image is ugly. And Melanie looks like she's about to platz in a major way. I really am not seeing the function of the seriously over-the-top breastplate. I cannot wait until I am past these covers that look like they've been drawn by 12 year-old fangirls. Moving along...

The Synopsis

Melanie Graham knows Image is Triple Crown material. The problem is, the filly is too smart for her own good. She's difficult to train, hates to be stabled indoors, and fights with other horses. But if Melanie is going to run Image in the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont, the filly is going to have to get over herself.

For practice, Melanie takes Image to Florida to run in an easy fillies-only race. But when Melanie gets to the track, she discovers that her father has entered Image in the prestigious Florida Derby instead. He badly needs the purse money to save his failing business and he truly believes Image can win. Melanie is doubtful. Will Image rise to the challenge?

Hey, at least this one is true. They had to get something right sometime, I suppose.

The Plot

Image: The stupid black filly is back! This time, 'Team Image' is in Florida, where Image was supposed to run in the Bonnie Miss. But, things ever go easily for the diva horse and she gets entered in the Florida derby instead, where she will have to run against colts... to make matters worse, Image first cannot stay at some farm they had arranged due to an outbreak in strangles. Then, she is such a bitch that she gets kicked out of her accomodation at the track. Having no choice, Mel et al decide to keep her at some random farm where Image befriends this pony, Baby. Baby quickly becomes more reason for her to act all anxious and throw tantrums. But, Mel trains her in a corn field, avoids nasty media attention and they eventually come second in the Florida Derby. Yeah, Image didn't win. Joy! At the end of this book, Will Graham sells out his share of Image to Jazz.

Melanie: Mel goes from doubt to non-doubt to doubt again so many times in this book, I finally understand how they made their page quota. At least Chris wasn't around for her to fight with. But, Alexis Huffman, the demon incarnate who used to manage Tall Oaks, is! It seems Alexis has nothing better to do with her time than make things hard for Mel and Image. So, she slanders the filly's name and spreads all sorts of runours, some of which are actually true, but anyway. Melanie gets all upset and blames Alexis for everything bad and wrong. She is also pissed at her father for entering Image in the Florida Derby but this is quickly forgotten becuase we ALL KNOW the silly filly can win the race against colts. Duh. Mel is also dealing with her feelings for Jazz, who is just so good looking, anyone with hormones falls at his feet. Jazz and Mel kiss... in what must be one of the more racy TB kisses in history... Mel decides to get over him being Image's full owner... 'cause they're really partners now. All is fine and Mel sets her hopes on Triple Crown glory.

Will: Well, his business isn't doing so hot after he invested in a band called Bugg Spray. Now, if it were me, that name would have been indication enough. Anyway, Will needs some cash quick and he enters Image in the Florida Derby. He runs around for the rest of the book, whining about money, making stupid comments about Image and wearing floral shirts.

Joe: Has a family! Who visit him in Florida. Who knew?

Jazz: Must die. I want to chop off his dumb ponytail and tell him to stop running around like a younger Steven Segal.

There are no interesting points in this book. Other than the red colouring of the spine reminds me of candy apples and there is an outdated competition that I was too old to enter even at the time of publication... not that I am a US citizen anyway.

If you think the review sucks, read the book. I dare you. Your eyes will bleed. I think my next one is Great Expectations, which not a very appropriate title, as I have none.

Chris and Star Tour California! TB 51: Distance Runner

Ok, so I now have the time to kill and a hefty pile of select TB books next to my bed. Kind of like some 14 year-old's stash of porn...

I give you the review of Distance Runner, in which Jennifer Chu introduces some pointless characters and Chris and Star escape the pressures of Mel's bitchiness and get to do some touring on the side.

The Cover

I really hate this phase of covers from book 43-57... Star's mouth looks like his lips have been fused together and Christina is wearing Steve Urkel glasses. Her silks are also the wrong colours! Well, at least the saddle has a girth and stirrups and Christina is not wearing cowboy boots or a scarf...

The Synopsis

Christina and Star need a change of pace.

A competitive bug is sweeping through Whitebrook Farm. Image, Star, and Gratis are all contenders for the Triple Crown races, which begins with the Kentucky Derby, a little over a month away.

Christina can't stand the pressure. So, when she is given the chance to leave Kentucky for a little while and ride for another farm in California, where Derby fever isn't quite as intense, she packs her bags and takes Star with her. There, Chris focuses on making the most of Star's running style. He's always been a come–from behind–horse, but he sometimes misses his chance to beat the leaders. Christina is going to try to change that in time for the Derby. But it may not be as easy as she thinks.

The Plot

So, Christina is getting excited for the Kentucky Derby, but she is having problems as per usual with Star. Star isn't running flat out in his workouts, which is apparently a bad thing as that's what super-talented race horses have to do all the time. They are at Keeneland, prepping for the Blue Grass.

While Chris is wandering around the backside, she sees this insane horse fighting against one of those hotwalker machines. The horse is all tangled in his lead and Chris sets him free, a selfless act which will surely be the start of some miracle bond with this new nutjob. The horse's owners, the Johnstons, rush up, apprently remembering that they have left their expensive racehorse alone with a piece of machinery. Chris lands with her bum in the butter and get's to ride this new horse, Callie, in a race that afternoon.

Mel just happens to be riding Raven in the same race. Chris does, as per usual, a good job with Callie and wins the race but Mel lodges a protest against her in a bitchy attempt to change the results. The protest does not stand and Chris poses with Callie and the Johnstons are so thrilled that they want Chris to retrain Callie-poo in... gasp... California!

Ashleigh and Mike of course are against the idea.

Chris and Mel go to Katie's eighteenth birthday party. Normally, they would be indulging in some more adult activities at such a thing, but this is Thoroughbred. So it does not get any more interesting than gossiping in a hot tub and watching Indiana Jones. During the party, things are tense between our favorite cousins. It seems Mel can only be a nice person in her own books.

When the girls arrive back, Parker clearly had fuck-all to do but mope around the mare's paddock in the middle of the night. He and Chris break up, to save themselves more hurt, or whatever. I personally think Parker is sleeping with Kaitlin at this point, as she is not a main character and can be engaged in sexual activities. It actually has nothing to do with him going to England to train for Burghley. Parker is a man! He needs more than chaste kisses on the cheek!

Blah blah blah... Star is still not running full-out and Chris refuses to use a whip to beat some speed into him. She decides that a change of scenery is the way to go! Not that she and Star didn't go to Montana and then New Orleans or whatever... but help comes in the form of Cindy, who is in an unusually chipper mood due to her enlivened sex life with Ben. Cindy reminds Ashleigh that competition can be nasty between family and they all agree that Chris and Star can jetset off to Cali and run in the Santa Anita Derby! Yay!

Chris arrives in Cali and swoons over Dreamflight and their pretty facilities. Oh, and Aaron. Who just happens to be uber cute and focused on horses! Aaron gets chucked off this colt, Blue Streak Christina just leaps on the colt in her nice jeans and without a helmet rides him well.... as per freaking usual!

More drama over Star and his shitty fractions... Chris still refuses to use a crop, giving her horse far too much credit in the smarts department. Aaron offers to take Chris to Universal Studios, where he will have to chance to grope her in one of the dark rides. Chris is so upset over Star, she refuses, not at all aware of Aaron's intentions.

Callie and Star would make the perfect horse if they were moulded together. All Callie wants to do is run and could show Star a thing or two, or so Chris thinks. But she has to prove that she made the right choice (sound familiar?)

After much discontent with both Star and Callie sucking, Chris cries like a baby and Aaron comforts her and she basks in his warm manliness. They go touring around LA and Christina has the miraculous epiphany that she just needs to let Star and Callie do their thing without trying to change their style of running. Wow.

So Chris and Aaron ride Star and Callie together that evening without permission and both horses seem all fine and dandy now. The next day, Chris breezes Callie and the Johnstons and the horse's owner are happy.

Callie runs his race, the San Philipe stakes and wins it wire to wire and then Chris wins again with Star. All is well again and we leave California with promises of dinner dates and more work that never really get met as these people don't exist outside of Jennifer Chu's books.

Points of Interest

• Yeah, I bet people just randomly offer strangers to ride their horses in races that take place... like hours after they first meet them!
• Mel is such a bitch. She should be fucking grateful that she even has Image to race and that her body is still intact.
• Storm's Ransom gets an honorable mention. It seems the mere mention of his name still reduces Cindy into a blubbering wreck.
• At least Jennifer has some knowledge of TB history. Unlike, oh, any of the other NewGen authors.
• I find myself wishing that Aaron was in more books than just Jennifer Chu's. For the simple reason that he might have been less boring than Parker.
• Chris asks Aaron which horses are going to Santa Antia and his reply is "pretty much anyone who is sound." Ding ding ding! Warning bells, anyone?
• Does a theme park called California Adventure really exist?
• What is is with TB characters riding their horses without permission?
• Boy oh boy, I thought seventeen year olds were beyond crying when they do not get their way.
• Jennifer Chu likes name dropping brands, famous actors and all that, doesn't she?

Well, this book was pointless... but not as pointless as the next one on my list... the aptly named Perfect Challenge!

Heartland: If TB and Days of Our Lives Had a Lovechild...

I own all of the Heartland series by Lauren Brooke and I decided to put the fact that I spent all that money on them to good use. You have to bear in mind that I am not really for T-Touch and Join Up and all that stuff they promote with this series. In fact, I don't have much of an opinion on it at all.

Hold on to your seats as we have an in-depth look at the high drama and angst that is Heartland #1: Coming Home!

Amy calls Heartland home, and ever since she can remember, she's watched her mom instill trust and hope in horses that were once fierce and afraid. And Amy's inherited her mother's gift, the ability to listen to horses and understand what they need. But when a tragic accident changes everything, Amy must cling to what her mother taught her- she must truly believe miracles can happen at Heartland.

You know, Harper Collins should employ whoever wrote this to write the blurbs for their books. It doesn't really give much away and it is accurate. Wow.

The Plot

The book starts off with Amy Fleming watching her mother, Marion, work with a horse called Copper. The methods Marion uses are very much ripped off from Monty Roberts, but anyway. Amy and Ty Baldwin, the high school drop-out stable hand are clearly in lust with each other and will, no doubt, resolve this lust in future books.

Amy is having her fifteenth birthday soon and her big sister, Lou, cannot make it, as she is tied up in Big New York Things and is far too important to bother with her sister's birthday. We learn that Lou might be avoiding Heartland, as she was closer to her father, who had a bad accident years before. It is hard for Lou to be around horses. Especially Pegasus, the horse her father had the accident on.

Amy has some free time and she and Soraya go for a trail ride to check on this pony, Sugarfoot, who's owner is very frail and to see some neighbour's amazing horse. As it turns out, the neighbours have moved, leaving their horse behind. And so the drama begins! Amy feels compelled to help this stallion, as he is just so pretty.

Now, a storm breaks while Amy and Soraya ride home, but Amy insists that the horse must be helped now! So she convinces her mother to hitch the trailer up to go fetch the horse, inspite of the fact that the road they have to travel along is dangerous. They get there, load the horse up and leave. But, on the way back, a tree falls and they get into a terrible accident.

Amy wakes up in hospital to the news that her mother died in he crash. She had been unconscious for eight days and her sister was there. They had the funeral without Amy being able to attend it, which would also make me pretty upset.

So, Amy blames herself for her mother's death and there is much crying and angst over this. She refuses to get involved her her life at Heartland again, which is pretty selfish considering there is so much work to be done. Amy convinces herself that she is the only one that cares that Marion is dead, as the others are too busy with work to care.

But then Any finds out that Mrs. Bell, the old woman who owns Sugarfoot, is dead. So Heartland takes on the pony and Amy gets involved in his care. We meet Scott Trewin, the hunky vet. I have to admit that I am sort of in lust with Scott.

We learn that Lou hates horses becuase they alway cause heartache and pain. She blames them for her father's accident and her mother's death.

Lou clearly has no intentions of staying to help at Heartland forever. She has a boyfriend, Carl, in the city as well as a good job. This causes some more issues between her and Amy.

Matt Trewin, McVet's younger brother, is in love with Amy... but it is clear this is one romance that will never reach fruition. Alas... maybe Matt will fall for someone else... like Soraya. Seeing as she is so in love with him and all.

Sugarfoot's condition does not improve, in spite of Amy giving him herbs and stuff. She begins to doubt if she can help him without her mother's guidence.

Hearland also takes on a new horse, who is having trouble loading into trailers. This is kind of a problem, as his owner is a top showjumper. We can't be having those problems with show horses, now! Amy insists she can help him.

More fights ensure over Heartland's continued existance, as they cannot do the work without Marion. Amy gets upset... again.

Scott, aka McVet, asks Amy is they can take on Spartan, the horse that was in the trailer when they had the accident. Amy agrees... reluctantly.

Star, the showjumper, learns that trailers are not scary places and Amy proves she has her mother's touch and that they can still keep helping damaged horses. Yay!

Lou bonds with Sugarfoot and the pony makes a Miracle Recovery, only possible with love and song.

Lou decides she will stay and help Heartland for the time being.

All is well... until the next book, when Amy and Spartan have to face the trauma the accident caused!



Points of Interest:

• Why is that the token best friend is never that much into horses as the main character in these books? Soraya can't hold a candle to how awesome Amy rides or how much she loves equines! Just once, I'd love the best friend to be a better rider than the main character. Just once!
• Amy's sister, Lou, is very unlikeable in this book. She gets the reader to feel irritation for her in the first chapter!
• Oh, of course Amy has a bad-ass pony that hates everyone else. Am I shocked? Are you? I'd bet money on the answer to that question.
• A boy, Matt, likes Amy. Matt wants to be a doctor and he is a really nice guy, but this is not enough for Amy who states "I wish he liked riding more." I wonder if Amy is aware that men who like wearing tight pants are usually inclined to like other men too. At least, that's what I have concluded.
• Sugarfoot the pony is worthy of TB... he only helps himself to one apple from the fruit bowl a day!
• Can I just say here that Scott Trewin is hot? Scott Trewin is hot. I am done!
  
• Amy needs to stop taking her anger out on other people... seriously. It's called therapy!
• The Grants are Heartland's Townsends. Rich people who don't care for horses! Do we need any more reason to hate them? I think not!
• Soraya is the funniest name for a best friend character... and she had curly black hair. I wonder what ethnicity she is! Seeing as such things have to be glossed over for the sake of being politcally correct.

All in all, this wasn't too terrible. But I can do without the melodrama and Amy's pissy attitude. Onward, to book 2!

Risky Business... or not. TB #40- Ultimate Risk

Ultimate Risk
Thoroughbred #40
by Mary Newhall Anderson
Published: 2000

I am back on the bandwagon with a very random New Generation book. Dammit, I know I need some order in my life.

The cover:

I actually like it. The horses looks like horses and the girls are adequately dressed for a race. The goggles kind of amuse me. As does the expression on Gratis' face. Also, are there only five horses in this race? Hmmm? Ah, well. I will content myself with the thought that the covers only get much much worse after this one.

Just to nitpick, Chris's silks should be purple and green, but, as the book is purple and green I suppose I can overlook that..

The Blurb

A great opportunity...

Now that Christina Reese and her cousin Melanie Graham are jockeys, they want to ride as many horses for as many trainers as they possibly can.

When Christina is asked to ride a difficult horse for one of the best known trainers in Kentucky, she leaps at the chance to prove herself. But she'll have to race against her own horse--Wonder's Star. Is it worth the risk?

This is short and sweet and actually encapsulates what the book is about. I think that should go down in Thoroughbred history! Of course, the sad part is that she only finds out she will be racing against Star in the last few chapters, so the suspense is kind of killed dead.

Plot

Gratis: He is this unruly colt Christina really wants to ride. In spite of the fact that no one seems to think the horse is safe. After much sucking up and a few attempts made by other riders to get Gratis to go, Christina rides him. She has a hard time but, by god, she stays on! Am I shocked? No. Not really. So, Vince Jones, the trainer, gives Gratis to another jockey to ride in a race and he freaks out. It seems Christina now has another horse that will run for only her! (Star is more selective though. He knows his mum needs to ride other horses sometimes and goes well for Melanie when it suits him to.)

Melanie: She is all mopey and self-absorbed this book because she is not winning. Apparently, this is due to fear after a bad fall from Fast Gun in book 39. But, never fear! The solution is so clear. Mel rides Star and she starts doing better. Of course, in a TOTALLY unexpected twist, Mel gets to ride Star in the Futurity as Chris is listed to ride Gratis. She wins and is happy. Yay. Well, aside from the little fact that Kevin is giving her grief about riding or something and they break up.

Image: Fredericka Graber's filly is introduced in this book! Of course she is so pretty. She is related to Wonder! I should have known...

Points of Interest

• I found a typo I never noticed before. At one point in chapter one, Rascal is referred to as the Rascal. Hmmm, I wonder if the Melanie and the Christina will fight over who rides the Star....
• Vince Jones is soooo an attempt to reincarnate Charlie Burke from the dead.
• Yeah, you know what? I am not buying the whole "let's jump over the fallen horse, my super 2 year-old colt" scenario.
• Melanie should have a chat with Cindy about her seconditis. Cause, you know, Cindy never lost. She must have some uber-amazing secret that needs to be shared!
• Christina and Parker need a normal teenage relationship NOW! With kissing and groping and all that fun stuff. But wait! This is Thoroughbred... and it's aimed at 12 year olds... sigh.
• Yeah, Gratis, you bad-ass. No wonder you become Cindy's special horse later.
• Why didn't I think of tugging on the reins whenever a horse acts up? It makes so much sense! Or, um... not.
• "It's Been Lonesome in the Saddle Since My Horse Died" is a song that must be written!
  
• Again... Ashleigh is stated as Wonder's rider in the Derby.
• Ok, surely someone else would have picked up that Christina was riding two horses in one race looong before the draw took place? I get the whole suspense thing, but really.
  
• Thank goodness Mel was doing so well on Star! And of course she's not riding him better than Chris! His times are just faster because he's getting better every day anyway!
• The Magical Whitebrook Touch gets Gratis through his race, but of course nothing will help him beat Star! Though, I did like the fact that Chris did not win.

Ooook, I think I am going to go for a trip to Dubai next! You know the book I am talking about.

In which we fill time before the Breeders' Cup. TB #17: Ashleigh's Farewell

Ashleigh's Farewell
by Karen Bentley
Thoroughbred #17
Originally Published: 1996

Our second joint review. We find that going through the Cindy era together is better than going it alone.

Mara: I remember back when this book first came out, wondering just where Ashleigh was going. I mean, with a title like Ashleigh's Farewell she had better be going somewhere. Looking at the cover, I can't help but wonder if Ashleigh has decided to retire from racing and live in that little shack on the hillside. Perhaps she's striving to become a hermit. Also, look out! The denim is back!

Monique: I was wondering the same thing. At least Glory looks like a TB on this cover! Note Cindy's pants. They are so high, they could double as a bra. Oh, and that "The Bestselling Series" rosette thing? Yeah, that they can stick right over Cindy's face, even though she is smiling on this cover.

Who will ride Glory?

Glory is facing the biggest race of his career, and his jockey, Ashleigh Griffen, won't be riding him because she's going to have a baby. Cindy Blake, whose family owns Glory, hopes that they can find a new jockey fast.
But jockey tryouts are a disaster. First Glory bolts, then he tries to throw the jockey. Can Cindy help get Glory back on track before her dreams of a championship are lost forever?

Plots:

1. Incompetence!
Ashleigh gets pregnant and can no longer ride Glory. The sky practically falls. The rest of the book involves various jockeys who were successful before they met Glory trying to take Ashleigh's place. Then Ben miraculously appears and decides that the solution to Glory's problem is a trail ride with Just Victory. Like that's a cure all, or something. Then Felipe Aragon shows up, works Glory in company, and miracle of miracles they win the Travers by 15 lengths! Really, all of this could probably have been avoided had they worked Glory in company from the start.

2. Brad!
He somehow manages to get Ashleigh to give him half interest in Glory in exchange for letting Ashleigh keep Champion at Whitebrook. Honestly, I think breeding rights could have covered that but of course that's not dramatic enough. So now Townsend Acres owns Glory also and Cindy's all woebegone about it.

Oddities by Mara:

• I don't know what it is, but Ashleigh insisting that Glory should know she's pregnant makes me roll my eyes. Oh, I know why. Probably because it's stupid.

• Notice how the first thing Cindy does after discovering Ashleigh's pregnancy is to be self-absorbed and worry about her future with Glory? She doesn't even congratulate her. Oh, to be reminded of why I hated Cindy.

• Cindy is intimidated by a girl wearing a black miniskirt, black tights, a "gold-spangled" shirt, and black "chunky" sandals. Because the girl doesn't seem to register that Cindy is actually two feet from her, Cindy pegs the girl a snob. Because she didn't notice the brilliance of Cindy, or her faded green Churchill Downs t-shirt? Exactly how many strangers is one expected to smile demurely at in the course of a day? And why doesn't Cindy have anything to wear besides dirty jeans and faded t-shirts? If she's easily intimidated by spangles, perhaps she should try...I don't know...buying new clothes occasionally.

• Wow, am I not sympathetic to Glory's plight.

• All of a sudden Brad's training and riding the horses himself instead of relying on "stable hands" to do such tasks for him. I guess Maddock has left the building. Also, Dandy as He Does? I know I complain about the lack of originality in some of these horses' names, but Dandy as He Does?

• Glory's new jockey keeps holding the horse back as Mike moans about why the jockey keeps, um, holding him back while the description is outright stating that Glory is bolting. Brad mutters "because the horse is running away." See, this is why I love Brad. He calls it as he sees it.

• Yet again, Miss Perfectly Dressed doesn't give Cindy the time of day. The horror!

• "Cindy hated bad sports." The irony!

• I think I have the problem pegged now. Anne (Miss Perfectly Dressed) and Cindy (Miss Never Launders Her Clothes) are both spoiled brats. Naturally this would cause some conflict before they both realize that they're inclined to fall into a friendship forged by mutual snobbery.

• Yeah. Cindy? Snobby? No! Perish the thought!

• The talking. During the races. Must. Stop.

• Yes, Cindy, that one tiny second place finish has ruined Glory's career. Yup. Sure.

• Ah, my beloved Pittsburgh is mentioned and disrespected by being called "Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania" as if there is another Pittsburgh. Where would this other Pittsburgh be, Karen? Where?

• I'm trying to figure where this horse hotel (or whatever) would be if they could see the lights of Pittsburgh from their hotel room. I've determined that this is impossible.

• Apparently the sight of downtown Pittsburgh makes Samantha cry. Not quite sure why other than the extremely vague "I was here before..." explanation that degenerated into backstory we basically already knew.

• Champion suffers his first color change. He appears first as a dark brown, and now he's a dark chestnut. At some point in this series I think he's also described as black and mahogany, so this is just the first of many changes.

• Cindy informs Heather that she needs to buy Ashleigh a present and Heather asks, "Why? Are you just being nice?" Clearly this concept is foreign to Heather also.

• Yes, to ride western you must have: chaps, cowboy boots, and a cowboy hat. They are essential!

• Yay. Ben has descended from on high to proclaim that Cindy should ride Glory. Yay.

• You know, Storm's Ransom has a pretty pedestrian pedigree. His father had "few winners" and his dam's other foals sucked. Exactly what is supposed to be appealing here?

• Karen Bentley has this obsession with the word "exquisite." With Joanna, it was Jeep Cherokees. With Bentley, it's the impulse to call every horse exquisite.

• So Ben's solution to Glory's issues is a trail ride with Just Victory. Yeah, that makes sense. Sure.

• People thought Just Victory's white hind hooves were a disadvantage? When did Just Victory race? The 1940s?

• Just Victory won the Kentucky Derby by 20 lengths. Yeah, so thrilled.

• Cindy is shocked that Felipe Aragon, Flightful's jockey, could ride Glory. Probably because he's a jockey and doesn't care?

• Why Ashleigh gives Brad something for nothing has always astonished me.

• Samantha remarks that Felipe is hand-riding the colt. Like this is special and unexpected. Glory freaks out at whips, or have we forgotten again?

• We end the book with a completely unnecessary scene involving Brad yanking Glory's lead rope and checking his legs. This is supposed to be evil, but I can't for the life of me figure why.

Interesting Points by Monique:

• In the first chapter alone, Cindy is timid once and shy twice. I think she is also coy a few times too later on... who would have thought.

• Ok, so Ashleigh is pregnant. Wow. I didn't see that one coming. I bet I can guess the birth date and name of the kid too. ACM, anyone?

• Why is a new jockey such a crisis? I could understand if Glory was scared, but hell. Cindy can ride him, so a jockey with one leg can too.

• What is the purpose of Anne Tarin? So Cindy can have another person to brag to who isn't as good as she is?

• Ah, so Ashleigh admits that she doesn't like leaving Whitebrook in the hands of the grooms. Well, you know, that took her long enough.

• Glory loses! And it's the jockey's fault, of course.

• Anne states that she "is used to losing horses" does she means horses that lose or horses that go away? You know, I bet some snide voice in Cindy's head asked that same question.

• Four Leaf Clover is sold and is going to Arabia. Cindy wonders if they will keep his name. Yeah sure, Cindy. They are really big into naming expensive Thoroughbreds after My Little Pony characters there.

• Ms. Bentley thinks that tacking "Time" onto the end of a random word makes a good name for a racehorse.

• Yeah freaking right. If Just Victory is such a famous horse, why would his owner let a random 19 year old just ride him... and gallop him no less?

• Miracle upon miracles! We find a jockey that listens to what people tell him and that Glory likes! Rah, rah. It's Flightful's jockey, Filipe Aragon, who is also known as Strider... wait... I am getting my books confused...

• All ends well, aside from the fact that Glory is now co-owned by a whip-toting Brad Townsend. You know, I really wish they could think of a new device for conflict.

Monique: I suppose I am hitting Glory's Rival next. In which the rivalry never really happens and I yell out loud at the book.

Mara: Damn. I need to take another break, I think.

If it wasn't for those meddling kids! TB #16: Glory In Danger

Glory In Danger
by Karen Bentley
Thoroughbred #16
Originally Published: 1996

Mara and Monique bring to you the first joint review! So we're going to try to keep it all straight and the hilarity to an absolute maximum. Because obviously. Just look at the cover.

Mara: Isn't this cover the most unintentionally hilarious thing? The menacing shadow, the rearing horse, the look of shock and horror! I keep expecting Cindy to scream: "Back! Back evil doer!" And another thing: the proportions are all off. Either Cindy has amazingly long legs, is standing on a box, or she's actually taller than Glory. All in all, it's probably the stupidest, not to mention ugliest, cover in Thoroughbred history.

Monique: I just look at her atrocious sweater and I vomit in my mouth a little. Is it that color to blend in with Glory's spew? I don't think Cindy has enough clothes, given the fact that she thinks a 'couple of t-shirts' is enough for a whole month. Maybe she wears them stiff. Also, the man with the syringe? I am egging him on and I hope he gets Cindy instead.

Will Glory ever race again?

Cindy Blake's champion Thoroughbred, Glory, is winning every race he enters. With Ashleigh as his jockey, he burns up the track. When he wins an important race by over ten lengths, track official become suspicious. They figure the winning streak can only mean on thing. The horse is being drugged to improve his performance. Then Glory tests positive for dangerous drugs and is disqualified from the race.

Cindy fears that someone wants to put an end to Glory's career. Worse than that, the same drugs that made Glory run faster could also kill him. Cindy must find out who's trying to hurt Glory. But when Cindy starts to investigate, her own life becomes endangered, too!

The Plot, brought to you by Mara:

1. Drugs! Everyone is using them, trying to abstain from them, or in withdrawal from them. Quite a heavy topic for a book shelved in the independent reader section at Borders. So, the thing is Glory is super fantastic. Flightful is just sort of super fantastic. The difference here is great indeed, causing Flightful's trainer (who is not Brad Townsend, so he gets a bit of a reprieve in this book to go be dark, handsome, smoldering, and awesome somewhere else) gets a case of the green eyed monster and hires this vet to drug/kill Glory. Cindy catches the culprit, because naturally it would take a twelve-year-old to do what a whole team of adults and security officials couldn't. Because twelve-year-olds can do anything!

Okay, I've covered the moral of the story. Oh, also: don't do drugs, drug helpless animals, or take out a college loan.

Oddities, brought to you by Mara:

• So, Champion is born. Ashleigh remarks on how strong he is because "most foals can hardly stand up right after they're born." Um, isn't it a fact that if foals don't stand up right after they're born there's something drastically wrong with them?

• Wonder's Pride finally has a sire, guys. It's Townsend Prince. Sure, later on Joanna Campbell stated she'd always meant Baldasar to be Pride's sire, and that's held up as canon, but Townsend Prince? That's some serious inbreeding going on there.

• Okay, let's keep count. The "fastest horses in the world" now include Townsend Princess and March to Glory.

• *cough* Actually, Brad and Lavinia didn't insist on running Princess in the Blue Grass. They didn't pressure anyone to run an injured horse. No one knew Princess was injured. Is it that impossible to remember facts from one book to another?

• Seriously? Mr. Wonderful strains a tendon in April and they're actually considering not running him in the Breeders' Cup in October because of this? Plus, he hasn't even run in anything other than a maiden race yet, which he lost, and they're assuming he's Juvy material?

• Bentley has to degrade Townsend Princess and Mr. Wonderful to make Champion all the better. This has never ceased to annoy me. What else annoys me? The fact that Cindy named him Wonder's Champion.

• Cindy gets called to the principal's office to talk to a reporter about her human interest story involving Glory. Because she's special, damn it. Don't forget, readers! She's special! Not to mention famous! She's a celebrity, and she tells herself this frequently. So she tells the reporter that Glory's abusers got "long sentences" and the reporter replies, "prison's tough these days." Like it wasn't before? This conversation is so absurd.

• Max wishes her and Glory luck in their next race and Cindy brushes it off, saying that they "don't need" it. Glory's so fast, luck is not important!

• I really, really don't remember Rory turning up in this book. He's been off at private school? Sammy runs over to hug him like they're long lost lovers, and somehow Tor has never met him before? This all seems highly unlikely. Then Tor frowns while Cindy wonders if Tor thinks Rory knows more about horses than he does. Uh, Cindy, I don't think that's what he's frowning about. I have this theory that ever since Angelique he's just waiting for Samantha to run off with someone better.

• Now Sierra is the "most promising steeplechaser in the world"(!).

• Ian cautions Cindy to not get a big head about her newspaper article, but his advice goes unheard. Cindy feels smug anyway. Beth reinforces her notion that she's a celebrity and takes her to school because she's too special for the bus. Then Max reinforces it. Then Cindy's teacher reinforces it. Cindy ponders how wonderful it will be to be even more famous after Glory's a champion. The urge to smack Cindy increases.

• Cindy is walking around with Glory and gets too close to Brad's chestnut colt, and then blames Brad for walking his colt to Glory when it reads like Cindy's the one leading her horse straight up to Brad. This is so annoying. If you want to blame certain actions on a character, make it clear that they are actually causing a problem.

• I find it amusing that everyone decides to not tell Mike about their brushes with the Townsends, or they flat out refuse to let him go places that might involve interacting with the Townsends. I keep wondering if Bentley has this fantasy of Brad and Mike beating the crap out of each other over Ashleigh.

• Glory's allowance race is the most piss poor attempt at writing a race scene that I've ever seen. Also, you can't hear a horse's hoofbeats during a race if you're up in the stands on a crowded race day like the Kentucky Derby.

• Aren't privacy fences the sign of lower class people trying to act upper class? If so, why do the Alexanders have one? Couldn't we call it a giant rock wall instead?

• Glory has a half-brother! Oh, let the world shout its joy! Only, the thing is this foal is out of a mare who is not Glory's dam. The only claim to fame of this mare is she's by Just Victory. This is like a minor and insignificant relation in the real world.

• Ben tells Cindy that she knows how much it costs to run Whitebrook. Um, no. I'm fairly confident she doesn't have a clue.

• Who the hell drives a trailer of racehorses through Manhattan?

• The stupidest idea in the history of Thoroughbred: Cindy wonders if she has time for a little nap in Glory's stall. Because sleeping in hay on the backside of a racetrack is so freaking comfortable, right?

• Bentley is so bad at writing race scenes. Just, so bad. Everyone is talking to describe the action, which never happens, Glory is using himself up early in every race but somehow wins going away, and it would appear that Flightful's jockey has no idea that a crop is a strategic aid.

• I find it amusing that Max's mom drives into New York City to go sightseeing and then parks "near" the Empire State Building. God forbid these people ever take mass transit.

• I really doubt the crowd would boo Shining after Glory was disqualified for testing positive. This is the betting public here, which isn't the best crowd to set the moral high bar.

• A horse usually has to finish up the track in order to say it "didn't fire." Shining finished second. A neck back in second. She just lost, okay? Say it with me, Ashleigh. Shining lost. One more time: Shining lost. Okay. Now we can move on.

• First Whitebrook has had a bunch of big winners and now they're in financial trouble, so it's important to keep Shining racing in the big races. My are we forgetful.

• Holy crap, a Whitebrook horse came in last. I just feel this should be documented.

• Finally Cindy gets to sleep in Glory's stall for the night. At a racetrack. With a person sneaking around with access to heroin and (possibly dirty) hypodermic needles. Does this sound like great parenting or what? I bet you somewhere Cindy's child welfare agent is developing a nervous tick.

• Great, now Cindy and Max are practically having a slumber party in Glory's stall. Who's going to appear with their sleeping bag next? Tor? Caroline? Brad?

• Ooh, a black gloved hand is trying to hurt Glory! Again I'm reminded of every soap opera ever made.

• "Put down the hypodermic nice and slow." Oh, this just kills me. Jim then throws the hypodermic down and it shatters, which from all I can tell is impossible. The needle itself is stainless steel and the syringe is always plastic unless he's got some weird glass syringe he needs for conducting quantitative chemical analysis or something distinctly non-veterinary or illicit drug use oriented.

• The reason behind it all: Jim is the son of the guy that abused Glory. He targeted Cindy and Glory in some sort of ill conceived attempt at payback. Yes, it's deranged and makes little sense. Also, it reminds me a little of Scream. Just without the blood, knives, guns, sex and drunkenness.

• Um, okay, the second reason behind it all: college loans! Oh, and Flightful's trainer is a poor sport.

• And we end it with another mediocre race scene. The talking really needs to stop.

Oddities, brought to you by Monique:

• I just ADORE how Cindy is the Official Horse Namer of Whitebrook. I mean, Rainbow and Four Leaf Clover are such catchy, grand names after all.

• Rory! Sigh. I love the whole anti-Tor vibe. Of course, that might just be me.

• Is it just me, or is hearing Cindy's inner thoughts about everything getting seriously old?

• Ah! Max also wears dark green. Perhaps he and Cindy match deliberately.

• If I was a vet and I was putting a horse down, I'd also give it to a 12 year old to hold. Because that just makes so much sense.

• Ms. Bentley seems to think tossing in big names for veterinary drugs is impressive. I can also use Google, darling. Also, how does Cindy have this knowledge? And why? She's 12. Does she not have fun?

• Joe Gallagher is this book's Brad Townsend. Only ugly.

• I really like the name Flightful. It is about the best thing about this book.

• When Shining loses, Cindy blames Ashleigh and Ashleigh blames herself. Lets just forget about her slip in the gate and Ashleigh nearly falling, shall we?

• I also talk to horses that are far away telepathically in my mind. It works, I tell you.

• Whitebrook has this new-found obsession with winning.

• Beth. is. the. most. useless. character. ever.

• Oh, when I write a book, all my characters will state the obvious too, and make it seem like a big deal. "Oh, look, Glory! The sky is blue! Wow!"

• When Glory is freaking out, I would so have given him to Len to handle and not Cindy. But, I clearly don't have their undying faith in her awesome talents.

• Glory breaks out the gate badly and Ian goes, "I suppose it had to happen sometime." Head, this is desk. Desk, meet head.

• Foreshadowing! Ashleigh has nausea and headaches! Um gee, I wonder why?

Monique: Onward to Ashleigh Gets Knocked Up and Ruins Glory's Chances of Victory as he Cannot Run For Any Other Jockey. AKA Ashleigh's Farewell. I am so excited.

Oh, the drama! TB #26 Sterling's Second Chance

Sterling's Second Chance
Thoroughbred #26
by Allison Estes
Original Publication: 1998

I actually read this book a few weeks ago and then promptly forgot I had. Clearly, that is indicative of my feeling toward it.

The Cover



We have cheesy scene with Chris and Sterling. The poor mare has been given the neck of a Trakhener stallion. Or one of the dressage Lipizzaners. Christina's helmet has no strap and makes me wonder how she ever passed those strict eventing regulations or if her hat stays on her head when she goes over those 'scary' fences. (However, that would imply that she would be staying on Sterling, which she hardly does in this book...)

The Blurb

Does Christina have the heart of a champion?

Christina Reese is sure she and her new horse, Sterling Dream, are ready for their first competition. Then Christina is injured in a fall and loses both her nerve and her spot on the team. Someone needs to ride Sterling, or the team will be disqualified. When beautiful, self-confident Cassidy Smith is picked to ride Sterling in the show, Christina tries to be a good sport. But it's not easy. Cassidy is claiming that both Christina and Sterling are quitters. Will Christina and her horse get the chance to prove just how wrong Cassidy is?

You know, I think the person who actually writes these things is some high school student who is a daughter of the person who really has this job. Enough said.

It does sort of sum up the book, but what they skipped out is that Christina is a delusional, self-absorbed brat who only thinks that Cassidy is some uber-bitch. Meanwhile, Cassidy really does want to help out and she clearly knows more than Christina, which is not hard to do.

Allow me to elaborate. We have four whole chapters where Chris tries to get Sterling to behave. She refuses to hit the horse, which is, like, so cruel. It is so bad, that the thought of hitting the precious animal drives her to tears. I kid you not. Eventually, Chris gets distracted by the delusion that Cassidy and Dylan are holding hands (le gasp!) and she pushes Sterling to jump some nasty water fence, beating her with her whip as she does so.

To my unbridled joy, she falls off and breaks her arm. Yay!

We now have to find a rider for Sterling. It soon becomes clear that she is too much horse for Melanie. I mean, we know how sensitive she is, right?

The only one left to ride her is Cassidy. She does. Cassidly feels bad about riding her in the event, so there is a miraculous last-minute rider switcheroo and Christina comes second! Or something. Who cares?

Interesting Points

• Faith is still a chestnut!

• People seem to have really intense eyes in this book. I think the author has some latent issue about eye descriptions.

• Dear Lord, when I was twelve, I hope I never behaved like this. And I hope that no other child thinks it's ok to act like a spoiled bitch when they read this book, either. Seriously, Christina needs a hiding.

• This book only had three interesting points. I hope someone else can delve more meaning from it than I could.

I suppose Sterling got her Second Chance... although I still wonder what that was. It is the stupidest title ever... perhaps next to Great Expectations. Or Cindy's Last Hope...

Now, we will find out how Corageous Christina is! And how much she hates dressage! I can hardly breathe for excitement.

TB Gets a Brief Injection of Personality! #25 Melanie's Treasure

Melanie's Treasure
Thoroughbred #25
by Allison Estes
Original Publication: 1998

Yes, indeed. Here we are. I know I have been slacking and I personally find it bordering on tragic that it took me a whole week to read this book. It's sad when life gets in the way of my TB time...


Onward to the review!

She's his last hope...

Ever since 13-year-old Melanie Graham was sent to live with her aunt Ashleigh and uncle Mike at Whitebrook Farm, she's struggled for a way to fit in. Everything she does is wrong. She doesn't get along with her cousin Christina and riding racehorces is nothing like riding back in New York. Then she sees Pirate's Treasure. The powerful black stallion has incredible potential. But he's also unpredictable--and dangerous. Then he's retired from his racing career and turned out to pasture. Soon he begins to lose his will to live. Can Melanie break through Pirate's distrust and prove to everyone he has the heart of a champion?

Mmmkay. This is one of the poorest blurbs ever written. There was a bit more to the book than this, like... Milky Way? And Melanie never really did much riding in the book, but anyway. I can't be too fussy. At least the animal depicted on the cover really does look like Pirate. It's the right colouring! And it even looks like a Thoroughbred too, not some Quarter Horse posing as a stand in.

Plot Outline

Melanie is a horse-crazy New York girl with a slightly bitchy best friend, Aynslee. She has a rebellious streak and the two girls decide to sneak out one night and go for a moonlit ride in central park. Things go awry, however, when Melanie and her favorite horse, Milky Way, are involved in an accident. Milky Way gets killed and Melanie has a dislocated shoulder. It's bad enough her mother is dead, now her father sends her off to Whitebrook Farm, the worst place on earth with her hick cousin, Christina.

We have the typical TB scenario where Mel swears she will never ride or get attached to another horse again. However, this is slightly different as she feels that she's just plain old bad luck. So, of course being on a Thoroughbred farm is pure hell for our young heroine.

There is instant friction between her and other characters and she just refuses to cooperate in case they actually think she likes it there. But, her father is occupied with his girlfriend and work and her best friend wants nothing to do with her.

Melanie then starts working with Pirate, but he is erratic for reasons that no one can figure out. After several bad accidents, Pirate ends up wounded and they decide the best thing to do is to geld him. So, poor Pirate sinks into equine depression while he recovers. I wonder if he was aware that his whole reproductive future is now nullified.

Taking pity on him, Melanie starts sneaking visits to his paddock. She slowly starts riding him and one day, tries to jump him over a log. (Christina should have told her beforehand that jumping a green racehorse over a log is never a smart idea.) As it turns out, this works out as Mel discovers that Pirate is blind!

Melanie then gets Pirate as he is useless as a racehorse and they become the new pony girl/horse team at Whitebrook! Yay!

Interesting Points

• As a character, Mel is the most spunky, different girl in the entire series. I felt sad that the authors couldn't keep up her interesting traits. Like her interest in art.

• Faith is still a chestnut.

• Aynslee is a bitch. If I had a friend like that, I would really question why.

• Christina acts like a total, immature little girl in this book, just enhancing my overall liking of Melanie. "Don't touch her!!!" Why oh why would Melanie not be able to touch Sterling? The horse is fine. Let her be exposed to other people, you stupid 12-year-old.

• Kevin is also characterized nicely. Shame. It seems that all the fun Estes injected into the dynamic between the Whitebrook kids died a horrible, painful death come book #36.

• Both Anna Simms and Naomi get injured in this book due to Pirate. I guess they are pretty screwed for jockeys for a few months.

• Estes is damned good at conversation.

• It's nice to see that some research was actually done into the racing world. I have to commend Estes for that too. And for not giving the horses Pirate raced against names of any kind, let alone stupid ones.

• We got a description of Melanie's room, complete with quilt! Wow!

And I am done. On to the pain that is Sterling's Second Chance, in which we learn that, sometimes, it's better to just hit the horse, rather than have our arm broken and deal with our mare's issues with water.