The Head and Not The Heart

The Head and Not The Heart
by Natalie Keller Reinert
2011  

Horses have always been Alex’s obsession. Their presence has defined her life: all her choices, from her love-life to her career, have been made with horses as her priority. But the horse business isn’t for the sentimental, and it’s growing harder for her to tamp down her emotions and think about the horses with her head and not her heart.

When their racing stable suffers a loss, she and Alexander, her partner and teacher, slowly begin to fall apart. A chance find of a long-lost horse sends Alex alone to New York City, and she wonders if this is the sign she’s been waiting for. Is it time to leave it all behind and start fresh?

Everyone say hello to Natalie. She runs the Retired Racehorse Blog, a place where most of us could probably lose hours of our lives. Natalie is steeped in horses, so much so that her knowledge flows over in her debut novella, The Head and Not The Heart. Horse fiction realism, thy name is Natalie.

But let's get down to business. The Head and Not The Heart has a basic premise: horses. You love 'em and you hate 'em, am I right? They suck you in and keep you there, held hostage for years of your life, never able to do simple things to the point that you find yourself envious of people who have a three day weekend in which they do nothing but sit around marathoning Heartland all day (I am guilty. I am so, so guilty). So, how awesome would it be to break free and not be around horses all the time? Pretty freaking horrible, that's what. God, how can you even ask that question?

Equiholics are in deep. There's really no saving them.

So we have Alex. She manages the racing stable she shares with her older mentor/live-in boyfriend, when their favorite horse is injured and subsequently destroyed. This alone might not have been catastrophic, but it comes on the heels of the death of their absolute favorite, Red Erin, two years previous, and now they're really in a funk. Now her boyfriend is sequestering himself in his man cave and Alex can only dream of a future where she's forced to smell the gut-churning scent of lube mixed with manure forever. Being only twenty-five, Alex is starting to have second thoughts about her career choices. There's still time, Alex! Break free!

Dumb luck presents Alex with that option: television offers up the missing half-brother of Red Erin and she is quickly dispatched to New York to meet with this colt's trainer. While in New York, she is further tempted. She could be a writer. She could live in Brooklyn. She could hang out with hipsters and listen to indie music and be ironic all the time. But there would be no horses, and I don't know if anyone pointed this out to Alex while she was there but New York is fricking cold in winter.

Meanwhile, there is the new horse to consider. Will he be able to lure Alex back to an unforgiving horseman's life after she's sampled Brooklyn's nightlife and yelled at strangers about horses? Will Alex fall for him like a twelve-year-old with a chestnut horse and yell screw you and your bar scene, Brooklyn! as she hauls out of there with a horse trailer?

Well, I won't spoil you. But it goes without saying that this debut is bursting with realism that any equiholic will adore. The details are what make the book come alive and flesh out what is essentially a simple story about a young woman questioning her future. On the flip side, it is still a debut and it falls into a few common pits that debuts always seem to fall into. It repeats itself and waxes on in areas you wish it wouldn't, because therein lies the encouragement to skip to the good stuff -- the details, the action, the voice. These sometimes get lost in the fray of heavy inner monologue, which is common in first-person narratives. But it's 100% horses, and when the book turns on the detail no horse person in the audience (and I imagine they will all be horse people here) will care about the rest.

Solid little debut, Natalie Keller Reinert. Tighten up your craft and I'll be seeing you next time.

The Head and Not The Heart is available in print and Kindle at Amazon.

Riding Lessons (Or How to Be an Utterly Unreasonable Bitch)

Riding Lessons
Sara Gruen

As a world-class equestrian and Olympic contender, Annemarie Zimmer lived for the thrill of flight atop a strong, graceful animal. Then, at eighteen, a tragic accident destroyed her riding career and Harry, the beautiful horse she cherished. Now, twenty years later, Annemarie is coming home to her dying father's New Hampshire horse farm. Jobless and abandoned, she is bringing her troubled teenage daughter to this place of pain and memory, where ghosts of an unresolved youth still haunt the fields and stables—and where hope lives in the eyes of the handsome, gentle veterinarian Annemarie loved as a girl . . . and in the seductive allure of a trainer with a magic touch.

But everything will change yet again with one glimpse of a white striped gelding startlingly similar to the one Annemarie lost in another lifetime. And an obsession is born that could shatter her fragile world.

 I am back from my long, horseless reading stint to bring you what is possibly the worst adult equestrian novel I have ever read. It doesn't help that I had pretty high expectations going into this one, as I loved Water for Elephants.


Annemarie is the most unlikeable character I have met in a long, long time. She makes me itch to slap her silly. She is selfish and so self-absorbed it is no wonder her daughter hates her and her husband left her. Just saying.


As for the plot... well most it revolves around Annemarie's need to prove a horse her old flame rescues is fully related to Harry, who died in the accident years back that put an end to her competitive career. She becomes totally and uncompromisingly obsessed with this horse that she allows her family's business to fall into disarray.


I wanted to see her grow as a character and realize that her accident and loss is not an excuse to be a crazy bitch. This does not happen. I was just as annoyed with her at the end of the novel as I was at the beginning.


The reviews quoted on the cover suggest that this book at least as some romance to it. Maybe something would have developed beyond what it actually contained if Annemarie could get past herself and her needs and her, her, her, her. This is not a romance novel, people. I would rather throw The Horse Whisperer at you if that is what you are after. A Dan Brown novel contains more feelings and affection.


There is this one scene that amused me far more than it should. Annemarie, a total moron in the kitchen, gets it into her head to cook a gourmet meal for the love interest and basically almost burns down his kitchen. Such is level of her arrogance!


Basically, the whole book is batshit crazy. So many bad things happen in the space of a few weeks it is implausible. Not that Annemarie doesn't deserve them. She does. She deserves every single bad thing to come her way and then some.


And there you have it. I hated this book so hard.

The Saddle Club # 87: Show Jumper

The Saddle Club # 87: Show Jumper

Cover:

Honestly, this cover doesn’t bother me too much. There are several things I’d like to see tweaked, but overall (and especially compared to “Secret Horse”), I give it a thumbs up. It clearly depicts a scene from the book, including the dreaded “pink” coat. Lisa’s hair should be kept neat under a hair net (despite the near-constant implications in this series that French braids are sufficient) and her helmet does NOT meet safety requirements – it needs to pulled down over her forehead more and include a chinstrap. I would also like her to be wearing field boots instead of dress boots. I wish Samson’s form was a little crisper and Lisa’s equitation leaves something to be desired (to say nothing of the doofy look on her face), but nonetheless, a solid effort in the cover department.

Blurb:

(to be added momentarily - as soon as I can figure out where the book went...I suspect my nine month old son of shredding it...)

Summary:

I’m not going to go into a massive amount of detail in this summary. The plot of the book is pretty simple, albeit adorned with a steaming vat of melodrama and multiple slaps in the face of realism. The Saddle Club is off to the Macrae Valley Open, where Carole and Lisa will compete in the Junior Jumper division. Before they leave, Lisa lets her mother drag her to the tack store to buy a whole new riding ensemble. They leave with a new riding jacket that will cause Lisa nothing but embarrassment and despair – but at least she puts her foot down about the custom boots. Once at the show, the Saddle Club runs into a trio of girls whose snobbery and malevolence rivals Veronica’s – fitting, then, that Veronica and the leader of this Evil Trio are friends from riding camp. Anywho, Carole and Lisa (and Veronica) all jump clean on day one of the competition, ensuring that they will make it to the second round the next day. Naturally, Lisa cannot bring herself to enjoy this measure of success because a.) everyone is all aflutter about what a stellar horse Samson is, leaving Lisa out of the picture entirely, and b.) she committed the ultimate horse show fashion faux pas and wore a “pink” coat into the show ring. Lisa’s self-esteem really takes a beating – which Veronica and her three evildoing cronies plan to exploit to no end, in order to trounce her in the competition. They drop many a snide remark about Lisa’s experience (or lack thereof) and poor choice in show attire. They succeed in rattling her and Lisa enters day two of the show emotionally in tatters. Somehow, she makes it to the jump off in a daze, but once there, commits a grievous error and getting herself thrown. Feeling like she now has nothing left to lose, she gets back in the saddle, finishes the course, gets a second place and falls to pieces because she cost Samson the blue ribbon. Carole and Lisa scold her for (rightly) being so hard on herself and remind her that if it wasn’t for her, Samson would still be at home in Willow Creek, trotting around the pasture, wasting his life – you know, until a more experienced rider like Red trained him properly and in a more appropriate timeframe. Okay, I added that last part, but it’s implied in the text – I swear. Lisa pulls herself together and the three girls spend the rest of their time at the Macrae scoring famous riders’ autographs, sneaking into the VIP box to watch the Grand Prix event and finding out about the respective past love lives of Max and Mrs. Reg. All’s well that ends well, and I’m left praying that Lisa goes back to counseling.

List:

• Page 2: The book opens with Lisa daydreaming about winning the Junior Jumpers at the Macrae Valley Open. In said daydream, the judge awards her the blue ribbon and trophy while announcing to the crowd something about “this poised young rider” and “one of the most promising horses we’ve seen in a long time.” Boy, Lisa really does live in her own little world, doesn’t she?
• Page 6: My suspicions are aroused – here is my first inkling that this book was not written by the same person who wrote its prequel, “Secret Horse.” In “SH,” we were told that Red was off being a working student in Vermont for a month. Here, we’re told two weeks. Hmmmm. More inklings to come.
• Page 9: “Lisa couldn’t even imagine how high the fences were going to be.” Something you might want to look into before entering a big show with a totally green horse, wouldn’t you say, Lisa? (I mean, seriously!)
• Page 15: Stevie not only likes dressage, she’s a “star performer” in dressage. “Star performer!”
• Page 21: Since Lisa is late for her lesson, Carole and Stevie volunteer to get Samson ready for her. They tether Starlight and Belle to a fence in order to do so. Am I the only one who thinks Pine Hollow has a serious lack of cross-ties?
• Page 24: Lisa says “thanks but no thanks” to her mom’s offer of brand new custom boots. Even though I know Lisa would never have them broken in in time for the Macrae, I would have an extremely difficult time saying no to custom boots. I would eat nothing but Ramen noodles for the next two years if it meant I could get custom boots.
• Page 26: Gah! What part of “I can’t be late for my lesson, Mom” does Mrs. Atwood not understand? Is there a reason they can’t go to the tack store AFTER Lisa’s riding lesson?
• Page 27: I know I said this before, during my review of “Secret Horse,” but Lisa, honey, your mom doesn’t want to buy you all this stuff because she’s proud of you. She’s not even excited about you going to the show because she’s proud of you. She’s excited because she has an excuse to buy a couple of new outfits for herself and she wants to treat you so you’ll fit in with all the other spoiled society princesses.
• Page 29: I kind of resent this attitude of “anyone who knows ANYthing about horses knows what ‘pink’ coats are all about.” I’m pretty sure folks who ride western pleasure or saddleseat don’t know and don’t care. Furthermore, I’ve heard Jimmy Wofford say (while doing commentary for the Rolex stadium jumping) “the ‘pink’ coat means (s)he’s competed for his/her country.” Not to mention that traditionally, only gentlemen in the hunt are permitted to wear pink coats – but there’s no mention of this in the book. Finally, I must point out that there have been several Saddle Club covers that picture riders in red/pink hunt coats – off the top, “Silver Stirrups” and “Stable Witch.” Just sayin.’ Don’t be so condescending, BB!
• Page 34: I will never cease to be amused that Bonnie Bryant (or whomever) refers to lateral work as “dressage moves.” I mean, I can only assume we’re talking about lateral work here (shoulders-in, haunches-in, leg yielding, etc.), but the way it’s written makes you think Carole, Lisa and Stevie warm up by doing tempi changes, pirouettes and a passage or two. Which I guarantee you they do not.
• Page 36: We are reminded that, this being the junior JUMPER division, form doesn’t matter. What matters is clearing the jumps and getting through the course quickly. Just what you’d want to do with a young horse who’s green over fences and going to his first show. *eye roll*
• Page 54 (almost twenty pages with nothing to snark at? I’d better go back and read those again…): Each of the girls have a Walkman to listen to on the drive to the show. My brain automatically replaced “Walkman” with “iPod.”
• Page 61: What the heck is this “pleasure horse class” that Max won a blue ribbon in umpteen years ago? Western Pleasure? Country English Pleasure? Do explain, Max.
• Page 64: Max explains to the girls that the Macrae has been going on all week but they came just in time for the junior jumper division because he thought they “could use the extra practice time.” I would think that, given that this is Samson’s first show, it might be beneficial to let him get used to the warm-up ring, grounds, etc. Just my opinion – but then, I wasn’t in Pony Club, so what do I know?
• Page 66: I have to say this somewhere and it might as well be here. I didn’t show as a junior – I’ve only been riding hunter/jumpers for three years now – but I make it to at least two or three ‘A’ or ‘AA’ rated shows per year and am pretty familiar with the barns and competitors in our area. I have never seen any of our junior riders “act as if they hate one another.” I’m sure this is the case some places, but fortunately, not in the environment where I show.
• Page 72: Two of the snotty Macrae girls are named Belinda and Melinda? Seriously?
• Page 74: I’m starting to get annoyed with Stevie and Lisa for constantly deferring to Carole on all “big horse show” matters. I know I haven’t read *every* Saddle Club book ever written, but near as I can tell, Carole’s riding has pretty much been limited to Pine Hollow/Pony Club events. Sure, a show or two here and there (Briarwood, for one), but when was she supposed to have been learning the ropes about these huge rated shows?
• Page 75: Carole, Lisa and Stevie are wearing “old” riding clothes at the Macrae. To be fair, we’re not talking about their show clothes, but still – whenever I go to a show, I make sure I look well put together.
• Page 87: BB comes right out and says it here – “Carole had been to several major horse shows before…” Where? When? Am I missing something?
• Page 92: There’s something wrong with this book’s rehashing of the “Lisa and Prancer Briarwood” story. We’re told here that Max expressed “reservations” about Lisa taking such a green horse to the show, but “because of Lisa’s hard work and practice” she ended up winning him over. Actually, I’m pretty sure Max’s sole comment was “interesting” when Lisa picked Prancer to ride at Briarwood – even though Lisa had ridden her just once, and that one time happened to be her first time under saddle since the mare recovered from the injury that ended her racing career. In short, Prancer was almost fresh off the track when Lisa started working with her and Max didn’t even try to stop her from taking the horse to a big horse show (can you tell I had some problems with book # 25, “Show Horse?”). Anyone else think Max exhibits a pattern of frighteningly negligent instructor behavior? Thank God he has that lucky horseshoe in his stable!
• Page 97: The dreaded pink coat has made its public debut. Again, I have to wonder about the viability of the information presented here. “Only members of hunt clubs and USET members who compete in the hunting divisions wear pink jackets,” Carole says. Someone should really tell Karen O’Connor that, then, because I’m sure she would be mortified if she found out she wasn’t allowed to wear a pink coat because she rides eventers, not hunters.
• Page 113: Aaaargh! Carole, you have NOT seen “that blond girl on the gray horse” at “a few shows!” You spend all your time at Pine Hollow, riding your horse and cleaning tack! For the LOVE!
• Page 118: Lisa’s attempt to describe to Jock Sawyer the Saddle Club’s training of Samson falls pretty flat if you ask me. She’s like a little child, prattling on…for instance, when Jock asks how high their schooling fences were, Lisa holds out her hand and demonstrates. “This high,” she says. Dear Lord, Lisa. What happened to using units of measurement? Are you “this many,” too?
• Page 121: Oh dear, another one of those situations that makes me want to pull Lisa’s parents aside and ask, “she still sees her therapist, right?” Lisa’s sitting outside Samson’s stall, all woebegone and ridiculously nervous. She’s drowning in a whirlpool of self-doubt, thinking that this is her one chance to make it in the big leagues. If she doesn’t do well this one time, she’s doomed to be a green rider forever and ever, cleaning out stalls and riding in Pony Club rallies.
• Page 124: Just when I thought I couldn’t be more annoyed with the drama and overreacting, enter Mrs. Atwood. I really, really cannot stand this woman. It is unforgivable the way she uses Lisa riding in the Macrae – the realization of a dream, the accomplishment of a goal, the reward of many years of hard work – to try and elevate her social status. Instead of letting Lisa get dinner with her friends and score the autographs of famous riders, she forces her to go to some stuffy French restaurant with three of the most deplorable teenagers on the eastern seaboard – who just so happen to be plotting against Lisa. Mrs. Atwood goes out and buys a dress for Lisa to wear to dinner, insists that she get her hair done at a beauty parlor and won’t hear any excuses. Apparently, she’s “worked very hard to make friends” at the Macrae, the event being about her and all. Ten bucks says Lisa starts drinking in high school.
• Page 128: More Mrs. Atwood ridiculousness. Heck, I’m about to start drinking, just reading about her!
• Page 136: Stevie and Carole have a plan to protect Lisa from Margie, Belinda and Melinda. If the little snots come near Lisa, S and C will bark at them until they go away. That sounds…mature.
• Page 149: It’s day two of the Macrae and poor Samson is confused. Apparently he is “used to either jumping the same course again and again…or getting a day in between to adjust to a different course.” While I understand the whole “green horse is nervous at his first show” bit, this sentence perfectly illustrates why three teenage girls shouldn’t be allowed to “train” a green horse over fences by themselves – and why the junior jumper division is a foolish place to have him make his show ring debut.
• Page 152: Uh, apparently Bonnie Bryant is not aware that if a rider falls off in a show jumping competition, the horse and rider pair is disqualified.
• Page 153: I hate to break it to Lisa – and to Carole, who consoles her – but…yeah, you are too inexperienced to be riding at this level. I’m guessing these jumps are in the 3’6” range and even at the 3’ level your riding has to be very precise. Letting your hands fall to your horses neck and becoming dead weight on your horse’s back while he speeds up and launches himself at a fence is extremely dangerous. Lisa’s lucky she and Samson did not get hurt much worse. Also, where is Max when this talking-to is happening? Worst. Instructor. Ever.

My Verdict:

I love jumping. Love it. I’ve been riding and showing in the lower (2'6") hunter and equitation divisions for the past three years and I can say without a doubt that I have never been more committed or dedicated to anything else in my life – with the exception of my marriage and raising my son. This passion created an interesting dichotomy between enthusiasm and disgust as I re-read this book. I enjoy pretty much any book that revolves around my chosen equestrian discipline – but I will also hold said book to extremely high standards in terms of factual realism. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good underdog-beats-the-odds/sickly-foal-goes-on-to-be-a-champion story as much as the next person, and I appreciate that this formula is not repeated ad nauseum in the Saddle Club universe, but when the plot revolves around a simply ludicrous premise and the characters manage to get away with a scenario that, in the real world, would probably get them severely injured, I have to shake my head. Not to mention, there are a few instances of eyebrow-raising interpretation of FEI rules – murky understanding at best, blatant contradiction at the worst.

The Saddle Club # 86: Secret Horse

The Saddle Club # 86: Secret Horse

Cover:

This has to be one of my least favorite SC covers – at least out of those done in this particular style. I have…so many questions when I look at the front of this book.

1. Who is this horse supposed to be? Spoiler alert: this book is about Samson – Delilah and Cobalt’s son, who is unfailingly described as black. So who is this giant, nondescript chestnut?
2. Why is his halter askew/why is he wearing a stud chain?
3. Why are the girls wearing tennis shoes to the barn?
4. Finally, why are Stevie and Carol looking so…morose and vacant, respectively? Lisa’s expression is the only one I can remotely comprehend. She’s clearly marveling over the horse’s disproportionately large head. Or maybe she too is wondering who the heck the horse is.

Blurb:

“THE SADDLE CLUB HAS A SECRET!

Stevie Lake, Carole Hanson, and Lisa Atwood are hoping to compete in a prestigious horse show. To that end, they’re doing everything they can to stay on stable owner Max Regnery’s good side – including doing extra chores around Pine Hollow, such as exercising stable horses.

Veronica diAngelo is sure she’ll be making the trip to the horse show – just as she’s sure she’ll be bringing home a blue ribbon. And of course Veronica has no intention of lifting a finger to help anyone.

The Saddle Club would love to beat Veronica, but how? She and her horse are tough competition. Then Lisa takes one of the horses over a jump, and he’s a natural. Now the Saddle Club has to keep their secret weapon under wraps and teach Veronica a lesson she won’t forget.”

Summary:

The Macrae Valley Open is apparently the show of all shows – the kind of competition that attracts all the best riders from everywhere and has the USET members turning out in full force. It’s the kind of show the Saddle Club has only ever dreamed of going to, which explains why we’ve never heard of it before. Well, actually, Carole has but that’s to be expected. Stevie apparently can’t even pronounce it and Lisa gets butterflies at the mere thought – also par for the course.

Once the girls find out that Veronica is going to the Macrae, they immediately swing into “me too!” mode and set out to prove how indispensible they are to Max and the general running of Pine Hollow. You’d think by now Max would realize that his stable would fall apart without the hard work, dedication and know-how of three middle school girls. At least they’re not yet sleeping in the barn like they would be if they lived in the Thoroughbred series. This flurry of barn work comes at just the right time; Red, Pine Hollow’s head stablehand (I always assumed ONLY stablehand) is heading off to a famous rider’s farm to be a working student for a month. Because apparently, being Max’s right hand man/Veronica’s servant for umpteen years hasn’t taught him enough.

Spending their every waking moment the barn has its upside. When they’re not raking the driveway, cleaning endless piles of dirty tack and scrubbing water buckets, the SC girls get to exercise horses. This includes the Prince William of Pine Hollow, Samson. After learning the basics at a nearby trainer’s, Samson has turned into a fine riding horse and the girls can’t wait to try him out.

Lisa exercises the gelding first and after a great schooling session on the flat, she decides, in an uncharacteristic lapse of judgment, to try him over the jumps. Naturally, he’s phenomenal and Lisa starts dreaming of taking him to the Macrae, since that is the logical place to start a baby green, as a junior jumper in an A-rated show. (Note: in the hunter ring, Juniors compete at a height of 3’6” – I don’t know if that is the same height in the jumper division, but I’m willing to bet that it’s close. In contrast, Baby Green Hunters and Pre-Green Hunters compete over fences that are 2’6” and 3,” respectively.)

So, of course, once Carole and Stevie realize how talented Samson is over fences, they throw themselves into “Project Secret Horse” with reckless abandon. The plan seems to be threefold: train Samson over fences, prove their indispensability to Max by making Pine Hollow so clean you could eat off the barn aisle and spy on/befriend Veronica to stay on her good side so she won’t rent out the entire Pine Hollow van for herself – or something like that. I’ll admit, I’m not really clear on the third part of that plan – but then, what good is a Saddle Club project if it doesn’t involve a little espionage at Veronica’s expense?

Meanwhile, Lisa combats some inner demons. She wants to ride Samson in the Macrae but isn’t sure she can or that she’ll be allowed. She also thinks that Carole will probably want to ride the gelding herself and doesn’t want to step on her friend’s toes. Oh, and she falls off Samson during a training session and that sends her into the classic Lisa Atwood spiral of paralyzing self-doubt. Which reminds me – how’s therapy going there Lisa?

Long story short, they debut their plan to Max (earlier than they would have liked, since he happened upon a training session one morning – the one morning he sets foot out of his office in weeks, apparently) and instead of being livid that they jumped his homebred youngster without his permission, he hears out their plan. Lisa gives a little speech, Carole vouches for Lisa to ride Samson, Stevie gets even with Veronica (somehow – doesn’t she always?) and Max agrees to let Lisa ride. It’s off to the Macrae Valley Open which we’ll read about in the very next book!

List:

• Page 1: Huh. Right here on the first page, a reference is made to “stable employees.” Employees, plural. Who are these mysterious employees and why don’t we ever get to meet them?
• Page 3: There goes Red, off to Vermont for a month. I’ll have to ask around – I wonder if one month is the average length of time for one to be a working student…seems like a pretty brief period to me, but then what do I know. I am interested, however, in what Red will do with his newly honed three day eventing skills when he returns from Toby MacIntosh’s farm. Surely he doesn’t need to go all the way to Vermont to become better at tacking up Veronica’s horse for her or teaching the little kids how to pick out a pony’s hoof.
• Page 6: We make it this far before being reminded (a) how the girls formed the Saddle Club and (b) that there are only two rules, etc., etc. Also on this page, Carole mentions that the SC will pitch in to make up for Red’s absence. Pay attention to how much work they do. Red must be freakin’ Superman if it takes three able-bodied girls to do what he can do in a single bound.
• Page 9: Ugh, how could I have forgotten Danny’s show name. Who names a show horse “Go For Blue?” I mean really.
• Page 12: Here’s where the scheming begins. Call me naïve, but if Carole, Lisa and Stevie want to go to the Macrae in the Pine Hollow van, why don’t they just…ask? I know if I wanted to hop on board and go to a horse show, all I’d have to do is say “sign me up!” cut a check and pack my trunk. Pony Club must be different.
• Page 16: If Carole wants to live up to the expectation that she will make “the Team” (USET) someday, girlfriend had better get a move-on in the junior division at rated shows! Scrubbing water buckets is only going to get her so far in life.
• Page 18: Oh dear God, Stevie just found out that some riders – gasp! – pay someone ELSE to braid their horses for them!
• Page 20: Lisa wonders aloud if Prancer’s girth will fit Samson. This launches Carole into a mini-lecture on tack fit and conformation. Boy if I was this girl’s friend in real life, I’d learn to tune her out in a hurry.
• Page 24: Lisa’s out hacking Samson and after twenty minutes of “dressage” (because that sounds more impressive than “shoulder-ins, leg yielding and collection/extension,” which is, I guarantee you, the closest Lisa gets to doing “dressage”), she decides to take Samson over a jump. Here are my thoughts on this: (a) This horse doesn’t belong to Lisa, nor is he a school horse, (b) he is Max’s horse and he is young – she does not have permission to jump him and (c) there’s no one around – you wouldn’t catch me jumping a horse I’d never ridden before unsupervised.
• Page 26: After trotting and cantering Samson over the small jump “several” times, Lisa decides, in her infinite wisdom, to jump the brush jump that is alternately described in this book as “big,” “huge,” and one that “only the best riders at Pine Hollow” practice over. *head smack* Oh dear, oh dear, Lisa. If anyone ever pulled a stunt like that at my barn, you can bet they’d be out the door in a heartbeat. I don’t want to overstate this but let’s be logical here: you’re on a horse for the first time, you don’t know how much training it’s had, you trot it over one fence and it completely over-jumps, proving that it’s completely green. Naturally, the next step is go galloping pell-mell toward the biggest jump on the property just for the thrill of it.
• Page 36: In a nice little blip of continuity “an Olympic horse” Carole has ridden is mentioned. Based on the context, I can only assume we’re talking about Southwood.
• Page 37: Apparently, “Max doesn’t need another show horse.” I wasn’t aware that Max actually HAS any show horses. Doesn’t the man run a Pony Club branch? Who rides these “show horses,” I wonder?
• Pages 39 and 42: Lisa never learns. Just once I’d like her to say, “Actually Mom, these Greek vases are about the most boring things I’ve ever seen” and “You know Mom, Veronica’s a bitch.” But oh no, we mustn’t make waves. It’s always “maybe you’re right, Mom.”
• Page 52: Here is the only time you’ll read about any of the girls second-guessing their decision to train Samson as a jumper. Carol wonders if what they’re doing is “stupid and reckless.” In a word, yes.
• Page 56: Oh man, Carole tells Lisa that “no matter how talented a horse is, you don’t want to rush him.” Yeah, ‘cause you guys are really going at a snail’s pace here. From totally green over fences to junior jumpers at a top-rated show in about a month – that’s standard, right? Riiiiiight.
• Page 58: Again, I’m a little flabbergasted at the amount of work these girls are doing around the barn. From sunup to sundown, sometimes staying after dark…I’d love to see their tans at the end of the summer.
• Page 83: No, Carole, Lisa isn’t “very sensitive to other people’s feelings,” she’s a doormat who doesn’t have the stones to come right out and ask for what she wants. “Hating conflict” doesn’t even scratch the surface, darlin.’
• Page 84: Geez, just how big IS the brush jump? BB makes it sound about five feet tall!
• Pages 85 thru 87: These three pages pretty much convince me that everyone in this book is totally clueless. Lisa lets Samson get too strong during her ride because she doesn’t want to hamper his enthusiasm. So, like green horses are wont to do, he blasts over a fence and jumps Lisa right out of the saddle. At no point do Carole or Mr. Grover (an actual horse trainer) call out to her to collect him or slow him or any variation of “whoa!” Then when Lisa (rightly) says that the mistake was hers, Carole brushes it off and basically says it happened because Samson is green and this was bound to happen eventually. Because God forbid we shatter Lisa’s confidence.
• Page 103: Why is Stevie surprised that Veronica’s bedroom is one giant display of ostentatious frivolity?
• Page 112: I actually really enjoy Stevie’s response to Carole and Lisa asking why she doesn’t want to ride Samson in the Macrae. I have the feeling that writing Stevie must be very enjoyable.
• Pages 115 thru 117: Max discovers what the Saddle Club is up to. Dun dun DUN! Lucky for them he’s not mad – although I can’t fathom why. I also can’t fathom how he didn’t figure it out earlier.
• Page 119: Ha ha! Max is “a horseman” who is “responsible for his horses and his students.” Again, I have to ask how he didn’t figure out what the girls were doing, responsible hands-on horseman that he is.
• Page 121: I can’t really explain why, but when Lisa says “Samson by Cobalt out of Delilah” I grind my teeth a little. She knows that his sire and dam aren’t famous, right? I mean, they’re both really nice horses and everything, but what does she think she’s proving by throwing that out there? Maybe it’s just supposed to add an unnecessary flourish to her little speech.
• Page 138: I get a migraine just reading Mrs. Atwood’s dialogue. She. Is. Such. A. Moron. Her daughter just told her she gets to achieve a life goal and ride a fabulous horse that she’s been helping train herself in a hugely important show and the woman goes on and on about how important a society event this is and how she’ll need a haircut and if Lisa wins “the trophy” she’ll get to go to the winner’s circle (Mrs. Atwood clearly doesn’t realize this isn’t the Kentucky Derby), and on and on. Again, can I get a “cram it, Mom!” Lisa?
• Page 141: No, Lisa, you didn’t “get into a fence wrong,” you let the horse get too revved up and it got you dumped.
• Page 143: Carole mentions that once, at one of these top-rated shows, a girl cut Carole off in line at the toilet even though she knew Carole was on deck to ride. I have a question and a comment about this – when did Carole go to all these fancy schmancy shows? I know I haven’t read EVERY book in the series, but I don’t seem to remember a lot of A-rated horse shows in between riding camp, Pony Club rallies in England, teaching a movie star to ride, learning to wrangle cattle, etc. Oh, and I guess that’ll teach you to use the bathroom before you leave the stabling area, won’t it Carole?
• Page 149: Veronica can’t join the group at TD’s because she’s at home with her coach, discussing “strategy.” What the heck kind of show jumping “strategy” is there to discuss when you haven’t even seen the course?
• Page 150: The girls act surprised that making a living in the horse industry is tough. Carole’s in for a rude awakening when she’s not able to simultaneously be a vet, a trainer, a competitive rider and a breeder isn’t she?

My Verdict:

You’d think, with the amount of sniping I did throughout this book, that I hated it. Well, you’re kind of right, but not totally right. I don’t understand how the girls pulled off Project Secret Horse for as long as they did. I can’t believe we’re supposed to buy that a horse that’s never jumped before spends a month being trained by three 13 year-old girls and is suddenly ready for the big time. I’m really confused as to why Stevie needed to spy on Veronica/pretend to be her friend. Oh and Lisa got on my nerves. All that being said, I like Saddle Club installments where the minor characters are kept to a minimum and the plot revolves mainly around Stevie, Carole and Lisa. Stevie has some great moments in this book, and Veronica is deliciously snooty. If this book was a movie, I’d be able to look past the inconsistencies and occasional lapses in credulity because I liked the characters. Most of the time.

The A Circuit doesn't mean there is no drunken horse jumping. That's a class, right?

The A Circuit
Georgina Bloomberg/Catherine Hapka
2011

First things first concerning The A Circuit. I know it's trying hard to appeal to the general Gossip Girl set, but let me say now that if you don't know what Ariats are, you will be lost in this book. Just put the book down now, go find some other rich girl clique YA lit and move on with your life. This book assumes first and foremost that the horse obsessed -- hell, the experienced and knowledgeable horse obsessed -- teen girl is its audience. Expect no horsey explanations, because there are none. Therefore, I'm not going to even bother defining Ariats.

Second, this book undermines itself. But wait, let's back up and look at what we're dealing with. We've got three characters:

Tommi: She's a billionaire's daughter and spends most of her time trying to prove that she's a hard worker. She didn't just rise to the top of an insanely expensive sport because her daddy has money! She just wishes people would understand how hard she works because horses are her life and if they, you know, wind up not being her life she'll go to Georgetown or something.

Kate: She's the money poor, determined, worker bee, rise above all challenges character that is required in all horse literature. I actually liked her, even though she's sort of a doormat. Her issue is she doesn't think she's ever good enough, maybe she has OCD, and she's got a crush on the barn womanizer.

Zara: If the two previous characters are cliches, she is the cliche to end them all. The daughter of a rock star and an actress, we're supposed to pick up on her anger and loneliness that drives her complete and intolerable batshit crazy, but mainly I kept thinking batshit! Kill it with fire! Mainly, she makes an ass of herself repeatedly.

So, that's what we've got. There is little plot to speak of outside of Tommi and Kate acting sane and rational within expected horse book standards while Zara is given all the actions of the villain. Unfortunately we're forced to listen to her bitch and moan for at least a fourth of the book because someone decided she should be a main character. This is pretty gutsy, but the author(s) completely failed to realize that characters like Zara need to grow or have some redeeming quality we can latch on to so we don't completely hate them. And I hated Zara. Not because she a) cannot ride (because she can't...wow, she really can't), b) is a completely ridiculous brat prone to literal temper tantrums, and c) actually smokes in the barn. None of those things actually annoy me. What pisses me off is that there are no consequences for this character. None, even as the evidence of her raging stupidity is plain to see in broad daylight and other characters recognize and react negatively. Still, nothing. So when the other characters are whispering about how Zara's going to get kicked out and the trainer is serious and professional and won't take Zara's shit, I eventually react by thinking lies! This book is lying to me, and it's doing a poor job.

Also, the brouhaha leading up to the completely irrational non-ending of this book is ridiculous. For what reason would anyone cover for Zara after she flagrantly and drunkenly injured a virtual stranger's horse? Why are they all not kicking her out on her ass? Oh, because she's a main character. That's why.

I skimmed through Zara's sections to save myself the torture, but Tommi and Kate were passable. The book would have been hugely helped had someone actually knocked Zara around a little bit, because as it stands I felt only frustration and I'm pretty sure that was the driving motivation behind my reading it while scowling and then typing this review at 1am. I won't be reading the rest in this series, which is unfortunate because the author(s) are clearly horse knowledgeable and there is a remarkable and refreshing lack of sappy girl/wonder pony forever friendship love HOORAY BUTTERFLIES. I just don't think I can stand by while Zara inevitably lights the barn on fire and everyone notices but she still doesn't get arrested for arson.

So, yeah. Zara ruined it for me. Sorry, folks!

Also: brand name count! I tallied 22 brands, which is actually far less than I was expecting. The book expends most of them in the first couple of chapters, but someone in this writer duo (or should I just say Catherine Hapka? I mean, we're all thinking it, right?) brought it under control. 

And that, you guys, is my first horse book in...yeah, I don't even know. I'll just say "a while" and leave it at that.

The Outside of a Horse

The Outside of a Horse
by Ginny Rorby
2010

Hannah Gale starts volunteering at a horse stable because she needs a place to escape. Her father has returned from the Iraq war as an amputee with posttraumatic stress disorder, and his nightmares rock the household. At the stable, Hannah comes to love Jack, Super Dee, and Indy; helps bring a rescued mare back from the brink; and witnesses the birth of the filly who steals her heart. Hannah learns more than she ever imagined about horse training, abuse, and rescues, as well as her own capacity for hope. Physical therapy with horses could be the answer to her father's prayers, if only she can get him to try.

I wound up really liking this book. Allow me to explain. 

Lord of Misrule

Lord of Misrule
by Jaimy Gordon
2010

I've been trying to think of a way to discuss this book in an intelligent manner since I received it a few months ago, which, incidentally, is about as long as it took me to finish it. I got stuck about two thirds in, which is usually when I throw up my hands and start screaming, "What did I do to deserve this?! I quit!" and yet this week I buckled down and picked it back up again. So here we are.

There are things that I love about this book. With italics and everything. The ending of the first chapter hooked me. Granted, there are only five chapters in Lord of Misrule, so there were plenty of pages of pondering whether or not I could do this, but I was determined.

of liberty ponies and poor navigational skills

Misty of Chincoteague
by Marguerite Henry
1947

On an island off the coasts of Virginia and Maryland lives a centuries-old band of wild ponies. Among them is the most mysterious of all, Phantom, a rarely seen mare that eludes all efforts to capture her--that is, until a young boy and girl lay eyes on her and determine that they can't live without her. The frenzied roundup that follows on the next "Pony Penning Day" does indeed bring Phantom into their lives, in a way they never would have suspected. Phantom would forever be a creature of the wild. But her gentle, loyal colt Misty is another story altogether.

A long time ago, when my sister and I were but annoying tweens, my parents went to Norway for three weeks. Yes, that's right. Norway. Because this was like 1993 and April, clearly they weren't taking us along for the magical adventure. So they tossed our grandparents at us and inadvertently created a lot of cross-generational havoc while they were skipping hand in hand through eight feet of snow...or whatever. This havoc presented itself in a litter of kittens. My sister and I naturally wanted a kitten (or all of them) and knew there was no way in hell our parents were going to allow this, but maybe our grandparents could be persuaded...

Only all of our deviousness failed, because grandparents are never as easily led by children as they seem in fiction. Our children's book learning failed us. I would have to wait until I was in college to get a kitten, who is now my own personal hell beast/serial killer.

Anyway, I relate this story because I feel like Misty of Chincoteague bears a striking similarity to my life in April of 1993. Paul and Maureen have been thrown at the Beebes because their parents are gallivanting around in China (for what seems like five and a half years), only their parents have made a crucial error. The Beebes own horses. Not only do they own horses, they live on Chicoteague island, an island packed with ponies. An island packed with ponies that holds annual pony festivals where they basically give these ponies away to any kid who mows enough lawns during the summer.

There is no way those parents are getting their kids back.

Hi, there! I'm every horse book you've ever read.

Astra
by Chris Platt
2010

I've read a few Chris Platt books, and commented on them accordingly with the loving obsession of a person who has read too many Thoroughbred books and is currently stalking its authors.  I know, I have no shame.  Willow King, Race the Wind!, Moon Shadow...the only non-Thoroughbred book of hers that I haven't gripped in my freakishly cold fingers is Storm Chaser.

After reading Astra, I'm really wondering about Storm Chaser.  In fact, I am going to have to get it soon so I can confirm a rising suspicion. 

Thirteen-year-old Lily O'Neil's passion is Arabian horses.  Someday she wants to be a great endurance rider like her mother.  But a year earlier, after a freak riding accident took her mother's life, Lily's father sold his daughter's beloved pony and forbade her to ride ever again.

When Lily's grandmother comes to live with them, however, she convinces Mr. O'Neil to let Lily clean stalls on the neighboring Arabian ranch, a place her mother had worked--and loved.  Lily is ecstatic, especially since she'll be near her mother's favorite horse--Astra.  Lily's mother had always believed that Astra had the talent to become a national champion.  Her goal was to ride her in the famous Tevis Cup Endurance Race, the toughest horse race in America.

Lily is determined to make her mother's dream come true.  But how will she convince her father to let her ride again?

So that's the summary.  Endurance riding!  What a breath of fresh air!  It's not three-day eventing or, god forbid, mustangs.  That in itself is great, apart from the endurance factoids that stuck out like sore thumbs.  Kind of like when Mary Anderson was inserting random horse racing facts into Thoroughbred, a land where horse racing facts go to die slow, miserable deaths.  The problem was in the rest of it.

Dream of Night

Dream of Night
by Heather Henson
2010
Reading Level: Ages 9-12

Untamable.  Damaged.  Angry.

Once full of promise and life, now lost in the shadows of abuse.  This is Dream of Night's story--and it is also Shiloh's.  One is a Thoroughbred racehorse, the other a twelve-year-old foster child.  By chance they both find themselves under the care of Jessalyn DiLima--a final stop for each before the state takes more drastic measures.  If this doesn't work out, the girl will be sent to a "residential facility" and the horse to a vet...for euthanizing.

This is their last chance, so why are they both so resistant?  And why can't they see that Jess's life is not as easy as it seems?  She fosters animals and children like them for a reason--she's a little broken too.  And, like Shiloh and Dream of Night, Jess knows what it means to have lost nearly everything you love.

So, I haven't read a horse book since May?  Is that even possible?  Apparently so.  Also seemingly impossible, I have decided to delve back into my black hole of horse books by starting with the most abusetastic of the bunch.

Dream of Night is told from three perspectives.  Shiloh, the girl who never came from the best background and wound up getting beaten repeatedly and burned by her mother's boyfriend; Dream of Night, who was a promising racehorse and/or a champion who was plagued with injury before falling off the face of the earth to end up in one of those wildly insane abusive situations; and Jess, who takes them both in and attempts to rehabilitate them.

For most of the book, both Shiloh and Dream of Night make some truly impressive attempts to not be helped.  Shiloh's over there writing every curse word she knows on the walls of her closet and ripping Misty of Chincoteague to shreds because it's Jess's favorite book.  Night spends all of his time screaming and ripping the blankets Jess has the audacity to put on his hairless body.  It's...kind of annoying.  I can't decide if this is my experience with horse abuse plots, or because I am the impatient sort.  Night didn't bother me as much as Shiloh, as her path toward great enlightenment takes longer while she's being destructive and blindly, belligerently ignorant (which is totally her prerogative, being twelve and all).  Jess does come off as even more saintlike for weathering Shiloh's nonstop storm, which is mostly extremely intense even while Shiloh makes some tiny strides toward caring about anything (i.e. Night) outside of how screwed up her immensely screwed up childhood obviously is.  Night, predictably, only starts to take some strides toward not being angry at the world when equally angry and messed up Shiloh approaches him out of...I will assume this is a kindred spirits sort of thing?

The book is framed by phone calls.  Shiloh's mom doesn't help matters when she keeps finding the phone number for whatever foster family has taken her in, so she can totally confuse Shiloh on the fact that she's not ever going to be a capable mother.  And Night's previous owner keeps calling randomly and hanging up, presumably waiting for someone to get on the line and tell him the address of the number he keeps calling.  How he got the number and not the address is anyone's guess, but essentially he wants Night back...so he can randomly attack him with chains some more.  Great way to convince the courts that you're a responsible horse owner!  Sure, it makes no sense, but then no one ever said that abusive situations are ever logical.

The book cheats a little bit and skips forward a year, giving us moderately stable Shiloh and moderately healed Night, because to not see them a little bit progressed past the state in which they spent the vast majority of the book would be too much for pretty much anyone to handle.  

- The book is mostly made up of fragments and italics.  Horses whinny like this: Rrrhhhraaaa!  Which I found kind of hilarious, especially when Night and his former owner have an altercation that was written as Rrrhhraaaa!  "Aaaaaaaahhh!"  Rrrhhhraaaaa!  "Aaaaaaaahhh!"  Rrhhhraaaaa!

- Yes, I'm easily amused.

The Whirlwind is not a metaphor.

Whirlwind
by Alison Hart
Release Date: May 25, 2010
Sequel to Shadow Horse.

When thirteen-year-old Jas Schuler found her beloved mare, Whirlwind, dead in her paddock, she thought her heart would break. Now Jas knows the truth.

Whirlwind is alive.

Wealthy horse breeder Hugh Robicheaux faked the mare's death, collected insurance money on her life, then sold her to an unsuspecting buyer. And he's going to get away with his scheme, too. Unless someone can find Whirlwind. And that's exactly what Jas plans to do.

But hunting for Whirlwind is dangerous. Hugh has threatened to destroy everything Jas holds dear unless she stops her search. As she struggles with her desire to find Whirlwind without letting the people she loves get hurt, Jas must ask herself: Is all this worth risking for a horse she may never find?

I have heard repeatedly about the amazing Shadow Horse, Alison Hart's award nominated horsey mystery. For some reason, I never got around to reading it, even when I knew Whirlwind was right around the corner. After reading this, I'm making Shadow Horse a priority.

Because Whirlwind is pretty awesome.

Two months after the beginning of Shadow Horse, Jas is nearing the end of what is essentially court ordered house arrest. She's pretty obsessed with the idea that Whirlwind might still be alive, and so is the insurance company that Hugh Robicheaux has a history of scamming. Hugh, however, has no intention of being brought down, because people like him "always win." People like Jas have ankle monitors and live in mobile homes, like they're supposed to. Lucky for Jas, she's not about to accept anything that Hugh says, and uses just about every resource around her to marshal interest in finding Whirlwind.

Enter the insurance agency's investigator, M. Baylor. All of a sudden finding Whirlwind stops looking like a crapshoot and more of an actual possibility. Hugh knows it, too, and starts to threaten not only Jas, but Second Chance Farm. Hugh also knows more than he should, leading Jas to suspect there's a spy in their midst, but at a charity case rescue like Second Chance Farm, who could be feeding information to a man they all loathe?

There's illegal search and seizure, sexual tension, and murder.

There's even a hurricane.

It's awesome like that.

What I like about Whirlwind is that it's not just a horse book and it's not just a horse mystery. It's a young adult novel about a girl who's going through a lot, as well as trying to grow up. She's a barely fourteen-year-old kid taking care of her elderly grandfather, navigating a possible romance, and trying to take down the most influential man in town. It sounds like a lot for one girl and a rescue farm to tackle, but it's done with a gritty realism that had me immediately addicted.

Jas isn't a spoiled brat with horse ownership on the brain. She's human. She gets prickly and lashes out (usually at Chase, the boy she's in teenage love with, which never fails to amuse me), and she recognizes the need to apologize (usually to Chase, as it turns out) in order to remain a likable horse girl. And while she mostly lands in serious main character territory, she knows how to apply some humor into her life. She's also (dare I say it?) proactive. Nothing just randomly turns out in Jas's favor that she doesn't work hard for, something I think we can all appreciate.

Plus, she doesn't like Twilight. I mean, that alone is enough.

While this book does have a beautiful and satisfying ending, it leaves plenty of undeveloped plot for another sequel. I'll go ahead and say that I'm expecting this to be a second book in a trilogy. It may take another ten years to see it, but the potential is definitely there. In the meantime, Whirlwind is strong enough to stand on its own.

Overall: Totally worth your money. Go buy it.

Stop Sniffing Horsehair Before Bedtime, It Gives Me Nightmares

Wildwood Stables
#1: Daring to Dream
by Suzanne Weyn
First printing: March 2010

Taylor Henry loves horses, but her single mom can't afford riding lessons, much less a horse. So when she discovers an abandoned gelding and pony, Taylor is happy just to be around them.

But the rescued animals have nowhere to go, and Taylor is running out of time to find them a good home. Could the empty old barn on Wildwood Lane be the answer? And could Taylor's wildest dream -- of a horse to call her own -- finally be coming true?

You're in luck folks. Not only do I have time to write a review, but this book is practically hot off the printing press. It's barely 2 months old! I found it, and the second book while scoping out the children's paperback shelves at the public library. And they were very (very) quick reads for me. I've read both already. They were ... interesting, to say the least. Might even tempt me into trying to find the next two if I can.

What amuses me is that these babies are so freaking new, there's not even a single review on Amazon.com for them. Maybe I ought to be the first!

So, here we go. It's horselit, really. Your standard story about an adolescent female who has this whole dream about how horses will be the center of her life. (clearly she hasn't discovered boys and sex yet, but since I was never much impressed by the human male myself, I kind of see where this dream thing comes in ... horses give you a better ride -- har har, bad joke, bad joke!) Naturally, we need to throw in adversity of some kind. And an abused horse of course -- it's kind of expected at this point. And who can't forget that bitchy popular enemy. Hate to break it to ya, honey, but if there wasn't a bitchy rival I'd start to worry. But enough yappin', let's get to trashin'. (I kid, I kid.... mostly)

Meet Taylor Henry having this totally orgasmic daydream in the middle of her history/social studies/whatever class. She's totally riding a black Arabian stallion bareback in a field. It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant! I'll even share it later on, and defy you to tell me it's not orgasmic. And then her teacher yells at her, and she (I kid you not) daydreams about falling off this magnificent horse into her chair and desk at school. Weirdo! She needs to stop sniffing Elmer's glue when they do Arts and Crafts.

Speaking of Arts and Crafts, Taylor was totally doodling a horse picture (I'm sooo guilty of this too, I draw horses on almost everything) and her teacher acts kind of impressed and asks her if that's her horse. Which is the perfect chance for her total rival, Plum Mason (who, besides Gwyneth Paltrow names their kid after a fruit?) starts up with a snarky comment which prompts some boy to make a snarky comment to her and the teacher is an ineffective loser who just lets them walk out when the bell rings except he gives Taylor an extra report on the horse being introduced to Ancient Egypt to write. And Taylor runs off because she's going to miss a bus. Oh yay, wouldn't that be fun.

On the bus, Taylor looks at a Dover Saddlery catalog (which is right about the point this book starts dating itself as freaking NEW) and drools over all the expensive stuff because Dover Saddlery's stuff is really expensive (but nice, sometimes... too bad their shipping costs are ridiculous) and talks to her best male friend, Travis Ryan, who is a total comic geek, and we are treated to a trip down Memory Lane about this old cowboy guy named Ralph Westheimer who owned a barn she took lessons at when she was 10 and only recently stopped riding because her parents broke up and her mom was single and poor. And then the bus passes Ross River Ranch where Taylor oogles the horses owns by some rich socialite and tells Travis about dressage and Thoroughbreds as if they're magical butterfly-farting creatures.

Finally the bus comes to a stop, Taylor gets off and starts walking home, but her mom's friend, Claire Black shows up and tells her she has to rescue some abandoned horse and pony in a barn, so off they go to find a horse and pony abandoned by a divorced couple over a week ago and the horse promptly tries to brain her. He's of course, freaking black (what is it about black horses, what? why can't they be a normal average bay?) This black horse tries to kill her, and we go through a whole monologue about some other abused (naturally) horse that didn't like people who wore cowboy hats because her other trainer had been a evil cruel cowboy-hat-wearer, and thus Taylor takes off her baseball cap and the horse suddenly turns into a puddle of goo who tries to eat her hair. Oh yay, you just know how this is going to turn out.

So some guy comes with a trailer, but because Ralph Westheimer got new horses, and is trying to make room for boarders (because apparently fewer kids are taking lessons because of this very real-life economy) and thus has no room, they take the horse and pony back to Claire's house, build some run-in shed out of tarp, and Taylor's mom shows up to take her home. Which of course is the perfect chance for Taylor to outright beg her mom to keep the horse named Albert and the pony named Pixie. Naturally, her mother, being poor, says no and Taylor throws a hissy fit.

This doesn't stop her from going to Claire's the next morning and freaking riding Albert bareback and without tack, and one of Claire's neighbors gets a stick up her butt and calls the police about the horses in the yard. So now they have to go somewhere or the sheriff will have to sell them at auction. And of course, auctions are bad juju. At school, Plum actually talks to Taylor because she wants Claire's phone number to get the horse, and Taylor tells many lies to avoid telling her because Plum is apparently a horse killer. (She's the rival, so she has to be bad, and she has to be so bad that it would be awful for her to own Albert.) Taylor does poorly on her report on horses and Egypt, and her teacher tells her about this old broken down abandoned stable he used to ride at.

After school, Taylor goes to beg her dad who apparently doesn't pay child support, for money and he says no dice, but he also talks about that broken down barn, and Taylor decides to go check it out. It's a dump, totally dead rotted old dump, but she figures a stall is a stall, and goes to get Albert and Trixie and bring them there in the dark. And when she gets there, someone shines a light in her face because apparently the place isn't deserted after all. The person is Mrs. LeFluer and she just apparently became the owner of the place even through that rich socialite chick, Mrs. Ross was trying to buy it. Taylor convinces Mrs. LeFluer to open up the barn again, Claire and Taylor's mom show up, and Claire decides that because Albert and Pixie's old owners are giving her ownership papers, she'll just give them to Taylor. So hoo rah, Taylor has a horse even though she's dead broke and can't work because she's only 13. Except maybe Mr.s LeFluer can use them or something, in exchange for board. Yay, everyone's happy.

So Wildwood Stables gets all fixed up and jazz, Mrs. LeFluer is burning through her bank account like wildfire, a girl named Daphne Chang is the "riding instructor", some chick named Mercedes Gonzalez shows up and is the Junior Barn Manager and she proceeds to be a bitch to Taylor who doesn't tell her that Albert doesn't like people with baseball caps (so freaking juvenile) and then they finally make up and traa la la la. They try and use Albert to give a riding lesson, but he only wants Taylor to ride him. Plum's mother calls Mrs. LeFluer and tries to lease Albert. Travis shows up with tools. Yeah, and then they have to fix up the old stables and stuff. And that's probably the second book right there. So, eh, to be continued.

Random Quotes:

Taylor Henry rode bareback across the cornflower-strewn field of tall grass on a glistening Arabian stallion. Clutching the creature's glossy black mane, she leaned forward, gripping with her knees and thigh muscles, in a smooth rhythm with the ebony horse beneath her. (orgasmic, I tell you, orgasmic!)

Random Thoughts:

• I hate the people names in this book. They suck. I mean, Taylor Henry. Travis Ryan? Jake Richards. All sucky boring painful names. Don't even get me started on Plum Mason. No, just no.
• Daphne's horse, Mandy, is "mostly a barb with a little quarter horse blood in her too" -- uh huh. That doesn't make a lick of sense once I got to the second book. But that's for the second book.

So there we have it. Standard fare for your average teenage-level horse book. Brand spanking new series. Oh bully!

Child endangerment camp!

Horse Mad Series
Vol. 3: Horse Mad Academy
By Kathy Helidoniotis
Published in US: Mar. 1, 2009

Ashleigh and her horse, Honey, face their fears together in a new adventure.

Ashleigh Miller is starting a course at the Waratah Grove Riding Academy, one of the best riding academies in the country. It seems like a dream come true until she realizes there is more to this school than she bargained for. Getting through an exhausting riding schedule, training with the best junior riders in Australia, struggling with a horse who won't do dressage routines and competing for a chance to ride at the nationals all have Ashleigh thinking life in Shady Creek with the Creepketeers was a breeze.

But those aren't Ashleigh's only worries. She's beginning to unravel the mysterious past of her horse, Honey, and wonders if she can ever renew Honey's spirit. To top it all off, her new baby brother or sister is on the way at home, there's something fishy going on inside Roycroft Cabin and Ashleigh has to figure out a way to survive four weeks without her two best friends.

Ashleigh and Honey take on an exciting four weeks they won't soon forget.


Last time Ash had just won a trip to Waratah Grove Riding Academy, and found out her Mum was pregnant. This book sees Ash at said Academy, where all is magical and good. She stands in the parking lot for a while bemoaning her pregnant mom drama and getting all hot for a silver horse someone else is unloading from their trailer. She meets Mrs. Strickland, the boss, and gets thoroughly embarrassed by her parents at lunch before they leave.

She then makes friends with some girl named Brooke. It’s very important that you know that Brooke is wearing make-up, with painted nails, chews gum in an obnoxious manner, and says “like” in every sentence. This means she’s evil, but Ash is not genre savvy, so she doesn’t pick up on it.

Juliette, some other obnoxious girl who only repeats what Brooke says, and Ash are assigned to the Roycroft cabin with three other girls. Ash dubs Brooke, Juliette, and herself the Three (goddammit) Groveketeers. They meet their cabin leader, an older girl named Kylie who’s a big name rider.

The cabin mates and their horses are:
Brooke - Angel (the grey Ash drooled over)
Tash - Silverado
Molly - Rebel
Juliette - Storm
Ash (duh) - Honey
Lena - Biscuit

Brooke and Tash hate each other and Brooke warns Ash to stay away from her. Lena, the youngest in the cabin, is a bit of a crybaby, but she is only eight. Molly is a vegetarian.

Everyone gets their schedules, which are totally hardcore, are told the requirements to graduate from the camp, get homework assigned, and hear about the Waratah Grove Cup, a trophy that is rarely awarded, and only to a rider who proves themselves worthy. Ash vows to win it.

At Ash’s first Dressage lesson she gets chewed for showing up not dressed appropriately, after Brooke had said she looked fine. Brooke is the queen of passive-aggressive warfare.

Honey refuses to enter the arena, then freaks half way through a routine, tosses Ash and makes a run for it.. Ash gets back on, finishes her test, and feels pretty good about it until Brooke suggests that maybe she can’t handle a mare, and should get an easier gelding.

At the show jumping lesson, Brooke is a smart ass who makes sure everyone knows she’s a B-grade jumper, and bullies her mare. Ash jumps clean. Of course she does.

Tash has a picture of her little sister that someone cuts up into tiny pieces and then frames Ash for. Brooke tells Ash that they can’t be friends anymore, leaving Ash completely isolated. Brooke then begins open bitchiness.

Ash rocks the cross-country practice, and her next dressage lesson starts off well until she starts Honey in the arena where someone starts ringing a bell until Honey spooks. The instructor bans her from the dressage ring.

Molly and Tash help Ash eavesdrop on Brooke, who dun dun dun… is Carly’s cousin! The newly formed trio plot revenge. They steal her clothes and blackmail her with a warning that they’ll tell on her or some such.

Tash tries to help Ash with dressage, but Honey still acts like a butt. So they decide to train in the woods. Awesome. Honey randomly does a flying lead change and Tash gets all hot over her. Honey must be a dressage horse! So it’s to the library where they do a search on Honey, formally called Argonaut. They discover that Honey’s last owner had whipped her across the head repeatedly after a poor dressage score. Ash discovers a scar that she’d never noticed before behind Honey’s ear.

She goes to see Mrs. Strickland, who gives her a bullshit, “I knew but couldn’t tell you because you needed to learn it for yourself” talk. WTF? The adults in these book are morons.

Brooke keeps up the bitchiness, Ash is awesome at the show jumping, Tash reveals that her mum died and she takes care of her little sister. They keep practicing dressage until Ash is finally allowed back into the arena. Honey does the simple beginners course, but Ash feels the need to be a show off, and throws in some fancier moves, which earns her a bitching out from the instructor, who somehow manages to spook Honey, who chucks Ash into the wall.

The camp intends to send Ash home until Lena suggests that they teach Honey to park. Ash, Tash, and Molly argue, Honey refuses to park, Ash does bad in her last jumping lesson, she does good in her last cross country lesson, she’s still banned from dressage, then finally Honey learns to park and that makes everything better. Ash gets the okay to take the dressage test, Mrs. Strickland gets all proud, Ash gets all nervous over the test until Lena points out that, hey, it’s only horse riding. Genius!

Brooke and Ash make a bet that whoever gets the worst final score will refuse to have their name put on the Honour Board. At Ash’s dressage test, aside from a few little mistakes, everything goes fine. Ash makes up with Molly and Tash. In the show jumping, Ash gets a few faults. After some freaking out, Ash rides the cross country perfectly.

Ash gets to graduate, she gets more points than Brooke, who promptly forgets their bet, and Molly gets the Waratah Grove Cup for some reason. Ash goes home and her parents tell her about a new riding school opening up in Shady Creek looking for riders to come work for them. End.

God… What can I say? That the person in charge knew why Honey was acting like a nutcase, and didn’t say anything blew my mind. That Brooke was a villain in a book with enough to overcome without needing a villain, was ridiculous. And of course, the antagonist has to be abusive to her horse. That Ash, through stupid luck and actual hard work, fixed her batshit crazy horse with no help from the adults and didn’t get that super special trophy was anticlimactic. Would it have been cliché? Yeah. But it would have made sense. Molly did nothing of real interest, nothing to deserve the thing. Unless they’re handing out trophies to people for being Ash’s friend, but then Tash and Lena deserved one as well.

BTW, I noticed something about the cover. The pic above I got off of Amazon. The rider kinda looks like she's about to sneeze, the horse is obviously a bay, and has no blaze. My book's cover is exactly the same picture, except the rider is smiling, the horse is still bay, but the color has been lightened. It's still a bay, because it still has black points, but it's body is comparable to a chestnut horse. It also is sporting a blaze. I have to give them props for trying to make the horses on all the covers look like the same horse, but it's pretty easy to find chestnut horses. You don't have to photo manipulate a bay to make a fake chestnut horse. It's just weird.

So much PMSing...

Horse Mad Series
Vol. 2: Horse Mad Summer
By Kathy Helidoniotis
Published in US: Aug. 15, 2008

Join horse-crazy Ashleigh and her new horse, Honey, for their latest adventure.

Ashleigh Miller has just moved to the town of Shady Creek with her family. The best thing about leaving the city has been getting her new horse, Honey, and making a new best friend, Becky. But Ashleigh really misses the friends she left behind in the city, especially her other best friend, Jenna.

When Ashleigh finds out that Jenna is coming to spend the summer with her for a horse mad holiday, it sounds like the best news ever. She can't wait for her two best friends to meet. But when Jenna arrives, she doesn't get along with Becky. Ashleigh feels caught in the middle. Will the three girls be able to get past their differences and have the horse-crazy holiday that Ashleigh was hoping for?

Find out what happens to Ashleigh, Becky and Jenna in their first horse mad summer together.


I tore the last book a new one. This book doesn’t fair much better. At the Shady Creek Riding Club, Ash’s instructor Gary tells the group that the Waratah Grove Junior Cross-Country Riding Championships are coming up. The prize for which is $1000 dollars and a four week stay at Waratah Grove Riding Academy, a super swanky school. I don’t think I’ll spoil it for you by saying that Ash is going to win, but of course there must be a whole lot of wangst to get there. So let’s see what we got.

Only two riders per age group from each zone get to compete. The Club will sponsor any members who makes it in, so everyone has to think up fundraisers. Ash, having schemed for money all of the last book, is not thrilled with that, but is all sorts of excited that her BFF Jenna will be visiting for a month soon.

Becky and Ash decide to clean, paint, and decorate old horseshoes to sell as Christmas ornaments. (Side Note: Keep in mind that summer in Australia is in December. Simple, but I spent half the book being confused as Hell until I remembered.)

Ash tries to practice cross country, one of the (sigh) Creepketeers, Flea, spooks Honey and Ash falls off. Doing something like that is dangerous for the horse, so I didn’t get the chuckle out of it that I might have otherwise. But of course, Ash gets back on, does the jump, and is all around wonderful. Yay…

Ash is so in love with Jenna that it’s all she talks about. Becky gets annoyed, I get creeped out. Ash is oblivious to both. During her first ride over the cross country course, she’s totally awesome and everyone amazed. She realized that she wants to beat everyone, including Becky. She angsts over this.

Anywho, at the try-outs Ash has a clean round until the last jump, where she freaks out and causes Honey to refuse. Because of that, Carly, one of the (sigh) Creepketeers, and Becky are the two to go to the Championships.

Ash tags along on Carly and Becky’s training session. Both riders get caught up in competing and ride aggressively, earning a bitch out by Gary.

After Christmas, Jenna finally arrives. Ash bullies her about riding Cassata, Jenna is less than thrilled. Then Jenna and Becky meet, and Ash is disappointed that they don’t fall in love with each other. Jenna tells Ash that her parents are getting divorced, and she has to keep it a secret from Becky.

Jenna has her first riding lesson, Ash doesn’t train with Becky because she thinks she should stay with Jenna, after the lesson Jenna acts like a wuss because she’s saddle sore, Becky, Ash, and Jenna go swimming in the creek, Ash and Jenna act like lovers and it hurts Becky’s feeling. Then Ash blows Becky off about training to take Jenna around town. God, so dramatic.

Ash manages to tell Becky that she’s keeping a secret from her, a secret she refuses to reveal. Becky’s feeling are hurt some more. Fail, Ash. Then she bullies Jenna some more about riding, and Jenna is obviously scared, until her father tells her to knock it off.

More fundraising. Jenna has an idea to have a dance party, Flea of all people thinks it’s a great idea. The party is on and the theme is horses (duh).

Ash organizes a sleepover with Becky and Jenna. They kind of get along, go on a trail ride, until in the morning Becky discovers that the horses have gotten out of the corral. Jenna was the one to close the gate. Becky yells at Jenna, Ash sticks up for Jenna, Becky cries, Jenna cries, they find the horses, Becky goes home. God, so much more dramatic.

The dance happens and Jenna and Becky still hate each other. Ash notices that Becky’s eyes had lost the sparkle that she loved so much. I’m not kidding. The dance is a big hit, but Ash is scared that she’s losing Becky.

The three go trail riding, it turns into another emo fest, everyone cries, Becky breaks up with Ash because “three’s a crowd.” She canters off leaving Ash and Jenna. Then the forest catches fire! Then they find Becky, who fell off Charlie, twisted her ankle, and broke her arm. Ash gets her up on Cassata with Jenna and tells them to get out while she finds Charlie. She does and the day is saved. Wow.

Becky, Jenna, and Ash all decide they love each other. Because Becky can’t ride, Ash gets to ride in the Championships. She trains, the (sigh) Creepketeers try to mess with her. She goes to the Championship, rides a perfect ride, Carly gets disqualified for overuse of the whip, and Ash wins first place, a big honking trophy, $1000, the stay at Waratah Grove Riding Academy, and the love and admiration of the whole stinking world. Yay.

In the end, Jenna goes home and Ash’s parents tell her that they're expecting a baby. Ash asks if she can name it Jenna or Rebecca. The end.

God, this book. It’s almost ridiculous enough to be entertaining. As I’ve mentioned, Ash loves her friends to an unhealthy degree. I stopped caring long before the book was over. The horse related segments were somewhat few and far between, but were fairly solid. Soooo.. Ashleigh Miller vs. Ashleigh Griffen round 2... GO!

A Star Discovered Is Totally Being Cliche Put Him Back

Lucky Foot Stable #3: A Star Discovered

JoAnn S. Dawson

2008

LIFE AT LUCKY Foot Stable has settled into a comfortable routine for epic friends Mary and Jody and all their horses, especially as they are working hard to train Star for his very first horse show.

But a menacing threat from a mysterious stranger may destroy their perfect world, unless Willie can save the day.

Hey folks. Apparently my last book review was back in July of 2008. I’ve either been slacking off here, or my life has been crazy insane. I’m working full time (gotta pay for that pony after all!) and riding every day that I can to get the golden boy in shape for this summer’s trail riding. Also, I’m hoping to try a Competitive Trail Ride this year, if I can. So it’s understandable that I haven’t written a review in a dog’s age.

But I picked up this book at the library – I needed a quick read or I was gonna go nuts on the bus. Postal, people, postal! And it’s singularly horrifying, and really deserves a good lambasting. So here it is, my first review in a dog’s age.

This is book 3 in a series, so I’m probably starting off on the wrong foot by totally skipping the first two books, which were not on the juvenile fiction paperback shelf, but honestly, given how this book seems willing to rehash everything that happened previously. So it’s not much of a loss.

Anyway, there’s this dairy farm, and there’s this old farmhand guy named Willie who is apparently really really pissed off that his boss is hiring someone else to do all the heavy work because Willie should be able to work himself into an early grave, damn it. But to make matters worse, there’s these two girls who board their horses at the farm, and they’re being whiny little babies about how this yearling colt named Star won’t square up for some halter show that’s 2 months down the road. So Old Willie growls at them, and stomps off to leave Mary and Jody flabbergasted before they see a dog and their yearling playing with a riding crop and see a beat-up old pickup truck with like junk and shit on it (just think Great Depression Era, folks) pull up, and Willie yells at them some more.

So Mary and Jody go see the dairy farmer’s wife, and she gives them HOT tea (gee, this lady doesn’t know weather, huh?) and starts talking about how Willie is old and stuff so he’s getting some help, and why don’t they ask Willie to help them with Star. And blah blah blah.

And there’s this other girl named Annie, and she’s sort of migrant-worker-trailer-trash, but she charms Mary’s horse, Gypsy and walks out of the stable which sort of puts a damper on Jody and Mary’s mood so they work with Star, and get into a tugging war with him when Willie shows up and lectures them.

And then fast forward like 2 months here, because they’re trying to load Star, and Willie helps them load him into the back of a pickup truck (I know of a guy who hauls a horse in a pickup) and they feed Star some grain because horses are happy eating and know they get good things in trailers. But Jody is a dumbass and the two girls take the back off the pickup without, you know, putting the freaking lead rope on and the colt gets away and runs off, and Annie catches him and walks him around with a dog leash of all things. Jody and Mary think Star needs grass, so they tie him up to a fucking harrow (I nearly shat my pants at this point … who the fuck are these moron girls?) and Mary thinks they can leave him there overnight. So is it any surprise that the poor pony gets himself wrapped up in the stupid rope and falls down? NO SHIT SHERLOCK! God, and to think they left him eating grass. Like Willie said, they were damn lucky he didn’t founder. So luckily, Star is ok and stuff, and then Willie says they need to pull his mane. And from Jody’s reaction you’d think he was telling her to kick a puppy dog. Stupid girl.

So the colt gets a bath, and they take him to this show and Jody has to mention that the colt’s name is Star of Wonder and he’s foaled on Christmas Eve (Of course he issss) and how they don’t know his sire. And he gets third place. But oh look, there’s a glaring man looking mysterious. And he comes over and starts playing 20 Questions with Willie. And Star wins his next class. Bully for him. And the mysterious man is even more angry and mysterious.

As it turns out, the mysterious man has every right to be angry. We’re told that the two girls, Mary and Jody, took Lady, one of their ponies, to a show and she got knocked up by this stallion and they decided to keep super hush-hush about it. And it’s an expensive champion stallion, and Mr. Mysterious wants his freaking stud fee. Of course, naturally, to two crying little tweenie girls like Jody and Mary, he’s a “horrible” man, but Willie does set their parents straight that he’s not horrible; he just wants to like, be paid for the fact that his stallion’s sperm made Star. But at least Mr. Mysterious is decent enough to let them maybe pay for the stud fee.

But this story’s starting to bore me at this point, because the next day the girls all feel sorry for themselves and Mrs. McMurry, the dairy farmer’s wife says they can earn money by helping prep dead chickens (Only these girls are like city slickers because they think they’re putting clothes on the birds) and Jimmy, Annie’s brother basically calls their shit so now Jody and Mary both grow a pair and pluck feathers off dead birds even though they were going to be sick. And then the next day some guy from a movie set shows up, and there’s going to be a movie, and it turns out Willie was this head wrangler-stunt-guy and they want him to be in charge and somehow Mary and Jody get to be extras in the movie. And Willie is a generous guy and says he’ll pay the stud fee, and everyone lives happily ever after, the end.

This book made me see red, really. It’s so damn cliché and shit. And the stupidity of Jody and Mary made me want to throttle them. But I guess it’s like a review or something. Maybe a review that people ought to stay away. For something that claims to be part of an award-winning series, it’s pretty lame. Maybe 2008 was a shitty year in publishing.