Riding Lessons (Or How to Be an Utterly Unreasonable Bitch)

Riding Lessons
Sara Gruen

As a world-class equestrian and Olympic contender, Annemarie Zimmer lived for the thrill of flight atop a strong, graceful animal. Then, at eighteen, a tragic accident destroyed her riding career and Harry, the beautiful horse she cherished. Now, twenty years later, Annemarie is coming home to her dying father's New Hampshire horse farm. Jobless and abandoned, she is bringing her troubled teenage daughter to this place of pain and memory, where ghosts of an unresolved youth still haunt the fields and stables—and where hope lives in the eyes of the handsome, gentle veterinarian Annemarie loved as a girl . . . and in the seductive allure of a trainer with a magic touch.

But everything will change yet again with one glimpse of a white striped gelding startlingly similar to the one Annemarie lost in another lifetime. And an obsession is born that could shatter her fragile world.

 I am back from my long, horseless reading stint to bring you what is possibly the worst adult equestrian novel I have ever read. It doesn't help that I had pretty high expectations going into this one, as I loved Water for Elephants.


Annemarie is the most unlikeable character I have met in a long, long time. She makes me itch to slap her silly. She is selfish and so self-absorbed it is no wonder her daughter hates her and her husband left her. Just saying.


As for the plot... well most it revolves around Annemarie's need to prove a horse her old flame rescues is fully related to Harry, who died in the accident years back that put an end to her competitive career. She becomes totally and uncompromisingly obsessed with this horse that she allows her family's business to fall into disarray.


I wanted to see her grow as a character and realize that her accident and loss is not an excuse to be a crazy bitch. This does not happen. I was just as annoyed with her at the end of the novel as I was at the beginning.


The reviews quoted on the cover suggest that this book at least as some romance to it. Maybe something would have developed beyond what it actually contained if Annemarie could get past herself and her needs and her, her, her, her. This is not a romance novel, people. I would rather throw The Horse Whisperer at you if that is what you are after. A Dan Brown novel contains more feelings and affection.


There is this one scene that amused me far more than it should. Annemarie, a total moron in the kitchen, gets it into her head to cook a gourmet meal for the love interest and basically almost burns down his kitchen. Such is level of her arrogance!


Basically, the whole book is batshit crazy. So many bad things happen in the space of a few weeks it is implausible. Not that Annemarie doesn't deserve them. She does. She deserves every single bad thing to come her way and then some.


And there you have it. I hated this book so hard.

Hold on to your butts as Jessie Takes the Reins

Oh my God the Pony Camp trilogy. Just... my. God. Remember those books you read as a kid, the ones you loved but gave away for some reason, leaving them to ferment in your memories until you know you know that book, but can't exactly remember it? These are those books for me. I swear I must have had them damn near memorized at one point, but they hit the table at some garage sale or another. As I was putzing around the interwebs I unintentionally rediscovered them. Of course I HAD to order them. I mean, the nostalgia!!



Pony Camp vol. 1
Jessie Takes the Reins
by Susan Saunders

Will Jessie ever learn how to ride?

Jessie has always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. Now she's going to pony camp to meet the beautiful horse of her dreams. But Ranger isn't what Jessie expected.

He's spotted. He's stubborn. He's short.

And he doesn't like Jessie any more than she likes him!

Jessie wanted to be a great rider overnight. But learning to ride Ranger is really hard. What's worse, snobby Maxine from Jessie's third-grade class is a great rider who thinks she knows everything. Will Jessie need help from bossy Maxine to make her dream come true?

That's a long ass synopsis for a 90 page book, and it's not really all that accurate. Awesome.

So eight year old - I MEAN EIGHT AND A HALF since she mentions it twice on the first page (God it's first person narrative) - Jessie Johnson is a horse fanatic who's going to pony camp (no really?). She's also an idiot, but I'm getting ahead of myself. She's "read every horse book in the library, so I'm an expert on horses."

Jessie and her BFF Pam are off to this day camp where Jessie KNOWS you guys that she's going from beginner to expert in like five minutes, because she knows EVERYTHING about horses. Yep. She has wet dreams over the huge black thoroughbred that will be her magikal steed, named Thunder or something equally cliche.

Anyway, Jessie and Pam and put in a group with a fat boy named Peter, who is fat and messy and has a stupid haircut and eats candy all the time and ISN'T JESSIE'S NARRATIVE A GEM YOU GUYS? As well as Maxine who is neat and tidy and a good student and bad at sports and therefore a huge bitch and Jessie and Pam hate her OMG. Seriously, we get a lot of info about why Maxine is hate worthy. I mean, when Jessie hears Maxine has been taking riding lessons for a few months and is a natural, Jessie nearly shits her pants over how much that CAN'T be true.

So THEN Jessie meets the horse she's been assigned, an Appaloosa named Ranger. And apparently a spotted horse is a world ending situation, because while a black horse or a white horse would be an appropriate mount for little miss bitch, I mean bitch, I MEAN JESSIE - a black and white horse is OMG ugly kill it with fire.

But Ranger has the sense to be unimpressed with Jessie as well, and when Jessie utterly fails at EVERYTHING Jessie declares the HORSE has an attitude problem.

But if there isn't enough drama for you yet, we get introduced to our main antagonists, Kevin and Lisa Harris, and Lisa's BFF Sally. They're pretty much carbon copies of every horse book antagonist EVER. Except they really don't do anything in this book except trash talk. More on that later.

So the first time Jessie get's in the saddle she closes her eyes and lifts into a jump position and Ranger has the GALL to MOVE HIS HEAD A LITTLE BIT WHILE STANDING STILL. Jessie is ill prepared to handle such a wild movement and is pulled out of the saddle and onto his neck. Clearly this horse is out to get her. The first time they try a trot Jessie falls off and demands a new horse because Ranger is horse Satan or something.

So then there's some more smack talking from the Harris siblings that culminates in a swimming race which our "heroes" win. I fail to see the point.

And finally, Jessie happens to see an older rider taking Ranger over some jumps and gets all hot for the horse and decides to keep riding him instead of another horse, which Ranger is no doubt thrilled over. And we are treated to a saccharine ending in which Jessie comes to realize that she IS in fact a beginner. Gasp.

Things of note:

None of our four are typical horse book protagonists. Jessie and Pam are good students who love playing sports of all kinds. Maxine is very neat and tidy. Peter is... um... well, he doesn't really count.

The synopsis led me to believe that Maxine was the antagonist. And Pam and Jessie go on and on about what a bitch she is before she actually shows up in the book. Their proof of her bitchiness is: she's clean, bad at sports, and quiet. From the moment she appears she obviously has low self esteem, tries hard to be nice and helpful, and never comes across as condescending despite the fact that she OBVIOUSLY is a more knowledgeable and experienced rider.

Jessie is a bitch to her own BFF, getting mad at her for asking dumb questions and getting impatient with her for being nervous around horses. OUR HERO YOU ALL.

So obviously this thing doesn't coast on nostalgia, but then again as I read it I was reminded of the fact that I thought Jessie was a know it all bitch even when I myself was a young horse crazy child, so there you go.

Well, there went my last brain cell. I need another vacation.

In & Out
Year One in the Jumping for Gold Series
by Barbara Moss
2005

Cover:
I thought very little of the cover until I noticed that the rider had a braid going down his back, and then I couldn't help the snickering that followed. I could explain myself now, but I think my thoughts on this will become clear in the review.

Summary:
In & Out is a horse tale like no other. A sprawling narrative filled with romance, intrigue, and excitement, it also provides a clear-eyed and wholly realistic view of the equestrian world, offering the kind of authentic details about horses, riding techniques, and business practices that only an insider could provide. At the center of the story stands Jericho Brandeis, an ambitious yet untamed man who seeks glory on his own terms. An intriguing cast of characters surrounds him, including the wealthy patron Bob Marx, the only man who can help Jericho realize his dreams, Marx's sexy young wife, Darien, whose illicit love could become Jericho's downfall, U.S. Chef d'Equip Chuck Frankel, the closest thing to a father figure Jericho has ever known, hunk bartender Trevor Braeden, Jericho's friend and rival, and the indomitable stallion Chasseur de Lion, an alluring yet potentially fatal challenge to Jericho's considerable horsemanship. Jericho must maneuver his way through a hazardous maze of violence, corruption, and seduction if he is to fulfill his aspirations at the World Equestrian Games. The adventures of Jericho Brandeis, full of passion, promise, and turmoil, will thrill all lovers of horses and of adventure and romance.

The In-Depth Analysis:
Has anyone ever watched those Dos Equis commercials featuring The Most Interesting Man in the World? If not, go and watch. I find that watching all of them will help you better prepare yourself for what you're about to go through, because Jericho Brandeis is The Most Interesting Man in the World. He can take five foot jumps without the aid of a horse, and still win. He can use spangled elastics and ribbons in his flowing hair, and still be a turn on to all women everywhere. He is...Jericho Brandeis, the Most Interesting Man in Wellington, Florida. And possibly the whole of New York. In a really slutty, creepy way.

Truth be told, I don't even know where to begin. This book is 618 pages long, a fact I find endlessly entertaining. From what I gather, this is Barbara Moss's first book. A 618 page debut. Also, this is the first in a series. If the trends I've seen from just about every author penning sprawling epics, series like these just get longer. I can only imagine that the second installment is sitting at maybe 1,300 pages right now. And that frightens me. Truly. Last, but certainly not least, the way this book was written is full of fragments, comma splices, ellipses, weirdly redundant one to two word sentences like "Told him." which confuses me because obviously someone is telling someone something when there is dialogue. Basically, it's bad grammar ahoy. The fact that most of the description is hacked down to appear macho and irritatingly confident means that if she'd tried to do something that didn't grate on my nerves this book would have been twice as long and a true disaster.

However, typos and relative lack of any evidence that this tome was edited by anyone at all aside, let's talk about Jericho...the most interesting man in Wellington, Florida. Jericho is a pain in the ass. He's actually someone I would like to run over with my car. Jericho is basically machismo defined, and as the story lumbers along you are hit in the face repeatedly with his virile, chauvinistic self. Ultimately, it's so flagrant it's hilarious. Jericho is gorgeous. He has long hair, which is sexy according to most romance covers. He has an attitude problem. He is animalistic to the point of glorification, but mainly all I wanted was someone to show him how to use a condom appropriately, because clearly safe sex is either too complicated for him to grasp or is not manly enough and therefore a threat to his virility. He does three things: ride horses well, screw around in a manner the author seems to think is well, and gets into arguments that tend to result in his opponents feeling his wrath as he walks off mostly unscathed. He's that sort of guy. Lovable, right?

Well, everyone wants to love him. In varying ways, I guess. First up is Cin, who comes on to him within the first ten pages and is rebuffed because she is old and married. Second is Brae, the Starbucks barista that Jericho randomly invites to be his new roommate. Brae spends most of his time reassuring himself that he is not gay, and decides that the best way to prove this is to take pictures of Jericho having sex with Ailynn (number three on the loving Jericho list) while he is also in the room, also naked. Oh, I'm sorry. NUDE. Whatever. That's at the 30 page mark. Are you not impressed? Now, in my opinion, this scenario is rife with homoeroticism. In the opinion of this book, it is RAGING PROOF that Brae and Jericho both are straight. How, I don't know. I guess just having a vagina there is all it takes. Moving on.

So, shit happens. I am not going to deny that Barbara Moss seems to know what she's talking about in all of these riding scenes. She's certainly knowledgeable, but she gets bogged down in the details. Most of this book is just one huge inability to decipher a storyline, actually. It reads like it's trying to only subject you to eight months in the life of a jackass, not craft a story. That's one of the biggest things that bothered me about it. Anyway, turns out Ailynn is also married. That slut! Well, clearly the answer is to have sex with Darien, another married woman, (number four on the list of Jericho's loves) while breaking and entering. Hell, why not?

Fifth love is U.S. Chef d'Equip Chuck Frankel, father figure of Jericho's fatherless life, who starts to coach him. Sixth love is Bee-Bee, who I sort of liked before she became enamored with Jericho and immediately had to become "timid" in the face of his "animalistic" nature or what all. And then there is jumping and color commentary and at one point Jericho finds out who his mommy is and Darien's husband has an affair with Ailynn, which develops into the weirdest conversation ever that I have got to stop and talk about before I end this review because THIS is how awful this book is toward women as a whole.

Okay. Darien and Ailynn are off the pill because Marx, Darien's husband, had a vasectomy. Marx feels it is necessary to tell Jericho that if either of them winds up pregnant, he will obviously know who the father is because I suppose Jericho's inability to comprehend condoms is common knowledge. If this should happen, he will fly them off to the nearest clinic and will have the child aborted. Just. Like. That. And Jericho has a fit about this for All. The. Wrong. Reasons. Well, the main reason being that this hypothetical child is His.

So, yeah. Wrap your head around that nugget of awfulness.

And then, naturally, Darien gets pregnant. You'd think this abortion conversation would have been all anyone would need to run to the supermarket and buy out all of their condoms, but because Jericho has this unyielding desire to make any given woman "his" by ejaculating in them (I am not kidding...that one was on page 500 something) this clearly isn't the case. And then Marx forces the abortion. And then he tries to idly chat Bee-Bee into sex, which I'm shocked she managed to avoid because after one sexual encounter with Jericho all women seem to fall limp or suddenly lack brain cells.

Okay, I can't talk about this anymore. Basically: glorification of all that is macho and then some. It was like Roadhouse for the horsey set. If you can imagine Roadhouse as a 618 page novel, I'm sure you're mortified. I know I am.

Chestnut Hill: Why TB doesn't suck that much, really!

Ok, so I figured I needed to find something truly terrible, something worthy to add my bit to the awesomeness that is the blog.

I bring you my review of Chestnut Hill 2: Making Strides. (I can’t find the first book, sadly, but I do own 2-6, so be prepared for the nastiness) This series is supposedly written by Lauren Brooke, the one and the same author who wrote Heartland. I, however, suspect that she handed her pen over to some 12 year-old fangirl.

But, there will be plenty of time later for me to go into detail about this, the shittiest horse series ever created. Let’s take a look at the cover!

The Cover

Nothing too much to gripe about here. You can’t go too wrong when you’re working with actual pictures of actual horses. And hey! Tybalt, our equine hero, is actually a bay. Shock. The only thing I hate about this cover is that it tempted me into buying the damn book.

The Blurb

Horses. Friends. Competition. Tradition.

Welcome to Chestnut Hill. An exclusive boarding school set among the rolling hills of Virginia. With a premiere riding program, Chestnut Hill has a long tradition of excellence. Here, the best and brightest learn to shine.

Malory has earned a spolt on the riding team and she’s found a close crew of friends, yet she still questions whether she really belongs at Chestnut Hill. Then a new horse arrives at the stable, and Malory is instantly drawn to him. But Tybalt is weary and defensive. Malory is determined to reach him, and she believes a girl called Amy Fleming can help. When it comes to horses, Malory has always trusted her instincts, and now she’s willing to bet her future at Chestnut Hill that Tybalt has what it takes to win.

It seems all innocent and sweet, right? And, for the most part, accurate. I just love how Brooke shamelessly sticks Amy (Heartland’s main character) in here. It’s kind of like she’s doing the whole self-promotion thing, especially considering how the CH girls worship Amy. Blah. Whatever. This is a bad book in disguise as a passable read.

The Girls

Malory O’Neil: she’s the star of this one. And the scholarship girl, which instantly gives her reason to feel inferior and play the “poor girl” role. She is, of course, naturally talented when it comes to all things equine.

Dylan Walsh: the Stevie Lake of this series, Dylan’s purpose is to make wisecracks and not to take anything seriously. I liked Stevie in the Saddle Club, so I should like Dylan, right? Not so. Dylan is irrational and stupid and annoying. She rides a pony called Morello, that she enjoys pretending is hers. But her aunt is the director of riding at the school, so she gets away with it.

Honey Harper: the girl from England is all demure and cute. Right now, she doesn’t have a special horse but I am sure that will be sorted out in the next book.

Lani Hermandez: well, Lani adds some Latino flavor to the series, I suppose. ‘Cause it can’t just be about rich white girls and their Louis Vuitton accessories! She is just there, for now.

Lynsey Harrison: the uber rich bitch antagonist who always has something nasty to say while wearing some monogrammed item. If Brad Townsend was a girl, he’d be Lynsey. Except, I bet he’d spell his name properly.

The Plot

So it’s Homecoming Weekend at CH, and all the girls in a tizz because they are only getting oatmeal for breakfast and they have to ride in front of the CH Alumnae later. Bitchy comments are exchanged and I can sort of understand why Lynsey acts the way she does. I gotta tell you, these girls can be nasty.

As is tradion with a Lauren Brooke series, Malory’s mother is dead, but it was two years previously, so I am spared from Amy-esque angst for now.

The girls eat hors d’oeuvres and talk shit while waiting for their class. Malory is riding bland old Hardy, who’s only a lowly school pony with the unfortunate show name of Hardy Har Har. I kid you not. Malory rides in the quadrille and then does a course on Hardy. She knocks a pole and we are sad. Plus, it gives certain girls ammo to tease the poor scholarship girl.

There is a Halloween party coming up, where the rich private school girls get to act all slutty with the rich private school boys of St. Kits (Christopher’s), their affiliated school. Malory cannot afford a costume, for shame! So she hides this from her friends. This is real drama, people.

After telling Lani that she reminds her of her grandparents dog, Malory talks about this awesome WonderHorse called Zanzibar, a name Brooke’s neice/daughter/fangirl clearly sucked from a Phantom Stallion book. She used to just randomly climb on this horse’s back in the paddock and ride it around, until her parents decided it might be safer to pay for lessons. Where Malory could ride with tack and under supervision. Like that one’s a real challenge to figure out. Anyway.

Dylan and Malory get asked to try out some new ponies by Mrs. Carmichael, Dylan’s aunt. They go and Malory finds Tybalt, who reminds her of Zanzibar! I’m telling you, a tear rolled down my cheek. Of mirth. Tybalt is all mistrustful, but Malory is convinced she can fix him and turn him into her own Super Special Horse! The horse’s owner gets all pushy and they end up taking Tybalt home with them along with Foxy Lady and Winnie.

But, this is a Lauren Brooke book and things will never go smoothly!

The girls are all excited about using Amy Fleming’s techniques to train Tybalt. You see, they were given a talk by Amy in the first book. Sort of like how some people think by watching a video on Natural Horsemanship, they can suddenly get a green Mustang off the range and train it in one day.

The girls go shopping for costumes and Malory again hides the fact that she can’t afford one. They see boys flirting with Lynsey, who is clearly living up to the whole slut reputation. Malory thinks of Caleb, a guy she used to ride with who will be at the party. He is hot. Like…. HOT. As far as Malory is concerned, anyway. Clearly she has not met Brad Townsend, who surpasses all standards of hotness like Glory does other racehorses.

Eventually, Lani confesses that she has no costume and the girls dress her up as Cleopatra. But no! Lynsey’s minion, Patience, is dressed the same! Turns out, Caleb, the hot guy, was supposed to be Patience’s date, but confuses her for Malory. Drama! Malory is all hurt and thinks that Caleb doesn’t remember her. I don’t care.

So, Tybalt has to be ridden at some stage. Lynsey gets the honor. She gets dumped and throws a prissy tantrum that the horse isn’t worthy of Chestnut Hill. Now we are scared Tybalt will get sent back to where he came from.

Hardy comes up lame and Malory has no horse to ride for the upcoming interschools competition. She asks Mrs. C if she can try Tybalt out, much to my shock. Or not. She rides and she does terribly and Mrs. C says she will have take Foxy Lady to the show instead, so all is not lost.

But, then we all have the epiphany that Amy Fleming can help! Yay! Amy works her magic with massage, join-up and herbal stuff. Tybalt is a totally new animal, thanks to love and all that crap. Malory rides him again and they do well.

Tybalt is so great and talented, that mere horses pale in comparison. Malory rides him a lesson and gets permission to take him to the show, which is always good to do on a pony that they know nothing about that hasn’t been worked hard in ages and ages. I am so glad there are books like this to instill good horse sense into impressionable young minds!

At the show, Tybalt freaks out and Caleb rescues Mallory from certain death. They debate about scratching him, but Malory cannot give up! Her ride goes badly and they mess up the course. Malory is sure that Tybalt will be sent away.

But, this is is aimed at children and we must all have our happy endings. Of course Tybalt gets to stay at CH! Mallory now has her very own special horse… aside from the technicality that she doesn’t own him, of course.

Monique’s Name-Dropping-o-meter! (Becuase it happens. A lot.)

• Scooby Doo

• X-Files

• The Flintstones

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer

• Rolex- the watch

• The Addams Family

• The Four Seasons
  

Points of Interest

• One of their classmates is studying poetry by Silvia Plath. I had no idea they covered that in middle school. I should send my kids to CH!

• Typical breakfast fare at CH is: French toast, waffles, muffins, THREE kinds of sausage (would that be beef, pork and vegan?) and fresh fruit!

• What is it with horse books and fucking blueberry muffins?

• I seriously hope I never compare a guy’s breeding to a horse’s.

I suppose I should stick with it and read CH3: Heart of Gold next. I warn you though, the books get suckier and suckier.

Showdown by Tilly Bagshawe

Showdown
by Tilly Bagshawe

Look, I feel a little shitty when I have to begin a post here with an outright statement such as: "This book sucks. So hard." It's just that the fact of the matter is fairly simple. This book does suck. Hard. So much so that Monique took the time to inform me that, you know, I don't have to keep reading this drivel. I can put the book down and move on and no one will judge me because this book is bad. So bad. So bad that I'm going to share it with you.

Bobby Cameron is a cowboy through and through. One of America's most skilled horse trainers, he has inherited his father's magnificent ranch in California's Santa Ynez Valley. Now, land rich but cash poor, Bobby travels the world trying to raise money to support his beloved ranch by taking jobs breaking horses for their wealthy owners. Milly Lockwood Groves, daughter of a millionaire breeder in Newmarket, England, is determined to become a world-class jockey--but her family has other plans for her, and are forcing her to take her place in British society. But Milly's life is about to be changed forever by the arrival of the gorgeous, enigmatic cowboy Bobby Cameron. Following him to America to realize her dreams, she risks losing her innocence and her heart in the process.

To start off, I am reminded of an exchange I had about this book, here in its entirety thanks to GMail:

monique: how is the romance going? you still readin it?

mara: i am. i just got done with some weird part in Florida involving a polo party and argentine women with big breasts and no moral compass sticking their hands down the asshole hero's pants.

Glorious. However, let's start at the beginning. Because while I only read a quarter of this book, that was really too much. We open up in France, where our dashing hero, Bobby, is working with this flighty filly for some asshole French trainer who'd really just prefer it if Bobby whipped the hell out of the filly and kicked her into submission. Because that's easier, and this training thing takes too much time. Bobby is appropriately disgusted with the other trainer's behavior, but unfortunately for us he's got other things to do. Like take a shower and mull over how his father sucks. Bobby, you see, is the product of his hippie mom having had inadvisable sex with his magnate dad, resulting in all sorts of wacky behavior. His dad was old when all of this happened and now he's ancient, but the old man has some attitude left and has never once informed Bobby that he loves him. And he probably doesn't. After Bobby's mom drops him off with his dad and never returns...going to live in more communes or whatever the hell she was up to...his dad just informs little Bobby that he will be his heir and that's pretty much it. Their relationship goes only so far as to be written into the will. Bobby, I guess, is scarred by this and proceeds to act out by being a complete jackass.

Now, while he's in France and fresh from his shower up at the owner's mansion, suddenly the owner's wife -- who is all young and eager to please -- magically appears in the bathroom also and starts to pull on Bobby's conveniently placed towel like a petulant six-year-old. A petulant six-year-old that Bobby decides he'd really like to not have sex with because that would be bad before deciding to hell with that and has sex with her anyway.

For some reason we are informed that Bobby really doesn't care about the needs of others, not that this matters to this woman because I guess she was only in it for the seduction. I don't get this, because it appears she put in a lot of effort for little return, especially when her husband shows up also to tell Bobby that his father died. Not wanting to get caught, he shoves the wife into a wardrobe and locks her inside, where I suppose he leaves her to fend for herself while he packs and leaves in the helicopter right outside. He's a winner, that Bobby. They're all winners.

So then we have Milly, who is a seventeen-year-old rich girl in England. Her parents own a horse farm and she's been forbidden to ride anymore after she took a nasty fall some time ago. Milly, of course, has her antagonist close by for always convenient drama. Since I forgot her name I will call her Jessica Rabbit, because that's apparently what she looks like. Jessica Rabbit, despite having breasts that probably weigh more than her head, is a jockey. For some reason. To make matters even more irritatingly stupid, Milly's brother is also a jockey and, of course, Milly wants to be a jockey too! It's like every English elite's dream in this book, which makes absolutely no sense. So Jessica Rabbit decides to have sex repeatedly with Milly's brother in order to annoy Milly. Thus we discover that all the women in this book are whores and all the men in this book are pricks. Once thought of like that it's remarkably easy to desensitize yourself from anything else even mildly offensive.

Enter Bobby into Milly's stunningly screwed up world. Bobby is now fresh from Florida, having wanted, but was forced to avoid, buxom women trying to get into his pants. It's hard for Bobby, but when the buxom women in this book have husbands armed with mallets he's really got to think about keeping his astonishingly empty head on his shoulders, you know? He's working hard, trying to keep his father's farm from falling into bankruptcy so he can turn it into a horse farm (his dad was all cattle focused and thought people who liked horses were pussies, much to poor Bobby's irritation). So his next job is with Jessica Rabbit's father's farm, but for some reason he's staying with Milly.

Milly falls in love in about two seconds flat. Unfortunately she acts like she's her age and in love, which means she's clumsy and makes poor fashion choices. Bobby, being a guest in Milly's father's home, continues on with his I-only-think-with-my-dick ways and starts bringing home as many ditsy women to his guest room as he can. Milly is upset by this...really, any host should be...but says nothing, preferring to pine away as she suffers not being able to ride (Bobby and/or horses). Until Bobby decides to help her out in that category (with the horses, I mean) and discovers that he'd really like her too, only she's seventeen. What is our hero to do? How can he get over his self-admitted urge to commit an act of pedophilia? (His words, not mine.)

Well, apparently he gets over it. Or he gets over it in California, where the legal age is eighteen. Anyway, either she has a birthday, or even Playboy starts breaking some laws because eventually she poses for Playboy, having learned to appreciate her large breasts somewhere between where I stopped reading and the end of this book.

I guess she becomes some wonder jockey in the Quarter Horse racing world and she and Bobby have sex and fall in love, only in the most despicable way possible because she has to go act like Jessica Rabbit for a while before discovering that she's an idiot and that Bobby will probably go off and have sex with some other underage girl that's not her if she doesn't stop posing for Playboy and gets her mind back to making her man happy. Thus we come to the end.

I don't know what's more frightening. That this book exists, or that it's actually the author's second novel.

Hatfields and McCoys...only of Ireland

So here's the deal. My backyard basically consists of a shitload of trees. Tons of them. And lately they've been falling down fairly randomly onto the major road behind the house. Tonight I guess one of them hit a power line, resulting in a lovely explosion and subsequent call to authorities with chainsaws. Therefore it is late, there are people traipsing around the neighborhood with chainsaws, and I'm not sleeping.

Thus, I thought it the perfect opportunity to lull myself to sleep by reading The Lady, by Anne McCaffrey. Only then it was so boring I found myself angry instead and after reading the first 25 pages, I decided to skip to the last chapter (located on page 447, so I imagine I missed quite a bit). This bored me to tears as well. So I decided to stop entirely and just write a review.

Granted, this is a review after I've read the first few chapters and last chapter of this megalithic waste of space that is called The Lady. So, sure, this probably isn't the best review to look toward for serious criticism of a book (but really, is that what we're here for?), and it sure as hell isn't a recap. Anyway.

They are the Caradynes, who for over 200 years have bred and trained horses of the finest caliber on Coernanagh. But all is not idyllic at hearth and home. Catriona, the youngest child, longs to ride her family's big jumpers and show horses. Her father Michael, recognizes her gift, but her mother hates the very idea. All is in a stalemate until Lady Selina Healy enters their lives, and provides for Catriona and her father a stunning example of how the reins of power can be held by a glorious, fearless woman.

Let it be known that I am not -- NOT -- reading any more stories involving the Irish for at least a year. That said, I will move on to what I know about this book.

Catriona, having possibly the most annoying little mary sue name to pop up in recent memory, is -- you guessed it -- perfect. She lives in a big house somewhere in Ireland and her parents, seemingly having forgotten what they really named her, call her Trina. I find this nickname unacceptable, for various reasons but mainly because they're leaving out the O and frankly if they wanted to call her Trina they just should have named her something else entirely. But I guess Katrina isn't sparkly and super Irish enough. Although had it been Katrina it probably would have been spelled Katryna because it just would have.

Anyway, so they live on this stupidly huge and popular horse farm and their main special stallion is called The Tulip and in the pages I read this mare gives birth to The Tulip's son, who is called the Tulip's Son for the rest of the book. I know this because I read the end. And he's still a foal, which means that the entirety of this book takes place over a course of a few months, and again I find this unacceptable.

So The Tulip's Son is super special and big and is basically Wonder's Champion. Whatever.

Then we discover that Catriona (Trina) can draw without realizing it...and I think right about there is where I lost it with this book. If you're talking to your mother and then turn to your paper and gasp because you realize your hand has been drawing a brush jump SOMETHING is WRONG with you. And I don't think it's because you're a super special mary sue, okay? Just to clear that up.

So Catriona's mom is all disturbed that her daughter's first memory is of her flamboyant crazy ass father-in-law and we soon discover that this woman is frigid and hates it when her husband walks around naked. This is, like, totally not what a good Catholic-raised 40-something woman who's gone through nine pregnancies and six children should have to put up with. She goes out of her way to make sure her prancing around naked husband isn't interested in sex with her at any convenient or inconvenient moment of the day, and she succeeds. I have this suspicion he just goes elsewhere, and having read reviews for the book I know I am completely right. Then she dies. Yay, frigid wife is gone and naked husband can go have sex with The Lady, who is Selina, who's all married and pissed off about it. I assume. Whatever.

I then skipped to the end, where Catriona magically suspects their horses are being terrorized simply because they're, like, galloping in a paddock. She can sense that fun galloping and terrorized galloping are different, so she jumps her pony gallantly over an iron fence (oh, such bravery) and runs down to the part of the paddock she didn't see to discover this rival family trying to either steal or seriously injure The Tulip's Son and his precious mother. Catriona basically holds off all of them...somehow, despite really doing absolutely nothing other than running around on her pony and shouting, before the calvary arrives that basically consists of her dad and two other people armed with whips. Thus the mare and foal go back to grazing because, you know, they're horses and don't really care. Then Selina decides to stay at the farm and have sex with Catriona's father despite still being married to her abusive husband because this is Ireland in 1970 and divorce just doesn't happen in Ireland in 1970. Oh, and Catriona draws a special uber perfect sketch of the Tulip because I guess he died somewhere in the four hundred pages I didn't read. I wonder if she drew it without realizing what her hands were doing? Seriously, she should get that problem checked out.

That's it. I'm not reading any more Anne McCaffrey books (well, I will not attempt to read any other Anne McCaffrey books, anyway). This should be easy as I can't get into any story involving dragons or magical lands, and this appears to be the bulk of her work. Which makes me wonder how this crazy Irish horse story fits in. Actually, no, wait. I don't wonder. I don't care. Plus the chainsaws have ceased and I'm going to bed.

Hunter's Moon: the anti book rec!

Hunter's Moon
by Karen Robards

You know, I always thought horses and romance novels were the perfect guilty pleasure. I was wrong. Horses, FBI agents and romance novels are the perfect guilty pleasure. Because they are. Don't argue with me and keep reading, damn it.

Molly Ballard was desperate. It wasn't easy caring for two brothers and two sisters, and keeping a roof over their heads. She needed money more than ever. Yet in a fit of anger she quit her job as a groom at the posh Wyland Farm in Kentucky's rich turf—and then stole out of the tack room with $5,000 in FBI cash. So when Agent Will Lyman catches her in a lie, she agrees to cooperate in a sting. She'll do anything to protect her family, to shield the secrets of her past, and guard her heart from further hurt. Molly will even spy for Will and let him pose as her lover. But soon the passion they pretend becomes searingly real as they court danger in bluegrass country and cross the path of a killer who will stop at nothing under a Hunter's Moon.

See, there's nothing remarkable about this blurb other than the fact that I didn't bother to read it before I checked this book out of the library. So that "we're going to pretend we're lovers while we're actually not although we sort of are" thing wasn't exactly expected, but was totally going to happen because that scenario seems to happen in about 85% of stories involving the FBI. It even happened in The X-Files. I'm sure they're extremely thrilled about this over at the Bureau.

It's 1995. Farms in Kentucky are trying to put things back together after the '80s bubble burst, and Wyland Farm is basically Townsend Acres if Brad Townsend had been a misogynist. Molly works for Wyland Farm, which is deep in the middle of developing a successful ringer operation (trying to repay those banks one ringer at a time seems inefficient, but whatever). She's basically your standard Kentucky white trash employed as a groom, only she has her standards and will not, under any circumstances, allow anyone, including the farm's heir, grope her ass. Her mom is dead and she's caring for her four younger siblings in some falling apart shanty on the farm's property. She recently quit, because of the ass groping episode, and is regretting this when she finds a feed bag filled with $5,000 in cash that belongs to the FBI. Being poor, she takes the cash and trots off. She's 24 and has a nice ass because it has been groped and the two FBI agents who watch her taking the money on the monitor take some time to appreciate it while bemoaning over how screwed they are, as the money was meant to be picked up by Wyland Farm's trainer so they can end their investigation and get out of there.

Will Lyman is one of those FBI agents. He is seriously displeased because he's from Chicago and hates country people because they smoke and chew gum and live with manure seemingly all the time. He was assigned the job in Kentucky because he apparently destroyed something expensive by making it explode. I'm not too clear on that. But something went up into flames, the director was pissed about it, and here Will is in Kentucky spending most of his time being annoyed. He's the privileged kind (who decided to become a government man, so who knows what the hell his problem is), is 40ish and would be handsome to a woman in her thirties who wears "pearls and mink." According to Molly, anyway, who lives in a shanty. So I don't think she's exactly the best judge.

Anyway. Will comes along to get the FBI's money back, which he is successful at while the two trade barbs and he tells her about the lovely jail time she'll experience because taking federal money is a felony. Imagine that. You'd think threatening him with a shotgun would also be a problem, but good old Will doesn't seem too fazed by that. Then Will's primary...I don't know what you call them...witness or person who tells you everything for immunity...that one guy...commits suicide in a parking lot and Will is even more annoyed because he has to stay in Kentucky longer with these people who smoke and chew gum. Then he thinks back to Molly and decides she'll just have to help him out because he's threatening her with jail time anyway and she's his to play around with and place in danger.

So he takes her to dinner, informs her to get her job back (even if she has to prostitute herself, which I found to be a great touch) so she can check the horses' lip tattoos before they race, or she'll go to jail. Sweet blackmail. Molly tries her best to get drunk at this moment, but doesn't really succeed, because then he tells her she'll have to meet with him openly so she won't look suspicious and that would mean he is now her boyfriend for the duration. Of course he is. What 40ish FBI agent who's married to his work wouldn't want to pretend to be the boyfriend of some girl who's 16 years his junior? At some point they discover that she's almost 25 and he's really 39...like this makes the gap in their ages acceptable, in which I have to wonder what the purpose of all this even is.

Things happen that I really don't care to rehash because there's all that we're attracted to each other but not because he's from Chicago and he doesn't like manure, therefore we have to act all petty and pissy at each other while we help the younger siblings learn fractions and how to spell difficult words involving lots of vowels. This goes on for quite a while until it becomes obvious there's some nut running around the backwoods of Kentucky with a knife. Eventually one of the Wyland horses that spends all her time outside by Molly's house gets it, so there's blood everywhere and Molly finds it and goes into shock and of course the first thing Will has to do to get her to snap out of it is hit on her. I don't know what it is lately, but this has been happening a lot in a good percentage of books I read. Girl has some traumatic thing happen = boy must hit on said girl, like this is attractive. Anyway, apparently it is in this book because before you know it they're clawing at each other in Molly's shanty.

However, seeing as how there are four children in a house that probably has pretty thin walls and only one bathroom that is near all the action, they decide to go back to Will's super secret FBI lair at Embassy Suites and commence with all the hot, wet, tight sex with plenty of talk of centers and members and, ugh...moving on. Afterward there's some weird roving around the room as Molly discovers a condom on the floor that he hadn't used because what they had was too hot and fast and earth shattering to pause for practicalities. Of course. Because that's logical and he's not a cradle-robbing jackass, I guess. This, for some reason, isn't why she's pissed off. She's pissed off because she's in love with him. Yeah, so enter the awkwardness. She blames this on the fact that he didn't take his socks off. Yes, I did type that sentence. She could have just gotten angry about the condom, but no. We're going to pick on socks. I'm sure I have more fun awaiting me in future chapters!

Molly is still pretty pissed off for a while, only somehow she stumbles onto the farm's ringer operation and calls Will and that's all taken care off. Of course, they have to have angry sex on the hood of Will's FBI issued Ford Taurus after that, in which they tell each other that this is over and he's going back to Chicago and she concludes that she's had better. Will goes back to Chicago and then Molly's little sister is kidnapped by the horse slasher guy, whom we find out is the other heir to Wyland Farm. Eventually Molly stumbles into the guy and gets kidnapped also and Will has to come along and shoot the guy in the head.

It's eventually decided that the estranged mother of this kid knew all along that he was insane and tried to get him some help before he started killing people, only her husband tried to cover it all up and decided to take it upon himself to inject their son with something they gave their stallions in order to take away the kid's sex drive (I guess? There was something about self-medication, stallions, lacking a sex drive and not killing people somewhere in there). So instead of killing people he started to write poetry. That didn't work out too well, I guess.

Oh, yeah, and then Will and Molly get married and he moves to the FBI Lexington office. Yay for happy endings where people say "hooray!"

Oddities:

• Have you eaten a piece of pizza and described the experience as almost sexual? (Please someone tell me this answer is no.)

• Of course, one of the younger Wyland heirs owns a Jeep Cherokee.

• She was left in no doubt whatsoever about who was in charge of their lovemaking: Will. Wow, glad that was cleared up.

• After their make out session, Molly's eleven-year-old sister interrupts and is not at all embarrassed by the groping she's just witnessed. Instead she says, "I knew Will would make you feel better."
  

• Molly is so wonderfully innocent. "What just came up?" she asks as he hauls her out of a restaurant. Will is remarkably brief: "Me." Oookay, I need to stop reading this book now. Clearly, I'm not going to. But I should.

• It occurs to me that little miss white trash groom who lives in a shack suddenly has nicer clothing and white lace underwear. I just don't get how this is possible, unless she's spending federal money, in which case I want my tax dollars back.

• Tobasco Sauce is the name of Wyland Farm's best runner. I just don't think that's going to fly.
  

• On page 240 I have just now discovered that "Sam" is a boy. I can't decide if this is my fault or the author's. Maybe I've just been reading the Thoroughbred Series too much.

In case it wasn't already assumed, I do not recommend this book to anyone. This is like an anti book rec and will be filed under the new tag: "books to avoid." Hooray!

One book left! One book left! TB #22: Arabian Challenge

Arabian Challenge
Thoroughbred #22
By Karen Bentley
Published: 1997

I remember picking this book up in 1997 and scoffing at it. A Thoroughbred book called Arabian Challenge, I thought? It just had to be bad. I put it back. Right there I saved myself 201 pages of torture. But, being too curious for my own good I had to read it sometime and now I'm rereading it because apparently I just like to enrage myself. Anyway, here it is. The book that is endlessly worse than Glory's Rival. To the cover!

There isn't a lot to complain about here. In fact, it's easily Champion's best cover. The color scheme even works with the image, and that doesn't happen often. Cindy's smile is even somewhat convincing, although there is an air of annoying superiority in it that makes me wish she'd fall off the horse and then die in the desert of dehydration. I find all of this quite unfortunate considering Arabian Challenge is probably the book that most enrages me. At least of the Cindy books. I haven't read the majority of the New Generation, so who knows what's awaiting me.

Will Cindy win her biggest race as a jockey?

For as long as she can remember, Cindy McLean has longed to ride a Thoroughbred in a world-class race. And now that she's sixteen, Cindy's dream is finally coming true. She'll ride Wonder's Champion, the Triple Crown winner, in Arabia's Dubai Cup!

Cindy will have tough competition. She'll be racing not only against the best horses and jockeys in the world but also against her friend and teacher, Ashleigh Griffen! Is Cindy ready for the challenge of her life?

Don't you just love the "Arabia's Dubai Cup" line? It's exactly how you'd dumb down a more complicated phrase for a four-year-old. Sort of like "That's beer, and no you can't drink it" turns into "You don't want to drink the bad juice, it's icky." You know?

Plot:

We're skipping another year here, with almost no mention of what happened after Champion's Belmont Stakes because, hey, who needs all that pesky backstory? I'm sure Cindy moped about something and Champion won a few races and all was well with the world. We've got more interesting things to get to, like Cindy's apprentice jockey license! Which she's somehow applied for at the age of 15 because she starts off this book in a gate test, which she passes with flying colors and an extra handful of glitter for extra measure. Afterward there's all this talk about how much Ashleigh and Cindy understand each other now that you get this distinct feeling that Cindy thinks she's in some uber special girl jockey club with Ashleigh, which must mean their minds have melded and no one else can understand their super powers. Despite this, it is painfully clear to Cindy that she is only the lowly sidekick to Ashleigh's Wonder Woman, and she is desperate for Ashleigh's compliments and opinions. She'll learn to disregard these later, of course.

Immediately upon returning home, Cindy starts taking herself a little too seriously. If she's going to be a (top) jockey now she must devote all her time to her career, which would apparently mean sitting around on her ass thinking about riding in races because she sure as hell hasn't been asked to ride in any yet. Thus she alienates all of her friends in a mere two pages. This doesn't bother Cindy. They'll come around, she tells herself, and then frolics off to think about racing some more. However, because Ashleigh and Cindy are in the same super girl jockey club, Cindy gets home to Ashleigh offering her a ride on Black Reason! Yay! All her thoughts are now justified; she is a Real Jockey. At the age of 15, which one book ago was impossible (not to mention in this fabulous thing we call "reality"). Just as Cindy's riding her high of getting to race, Ashleigh brings her down by reminding her that it's not her entire life and thus Cindy concludes that Ashleigh takes her whole life for granted. Ashleigh will never understand her determination!

As it turns out, no one understands her determination. Cindy starts getting up at 3am every morning in preparation for her first race. As if riding one more horse every morning (bringing the grand total up to two horses each morning) will prep her perfectly for race riding. All she accomplishes is exhausting herself and developing these ridiculous flashes of anger at anyone who dares question her grand plan to super jockey stardom.

Of course, Cindy doesn't win her first race and decides it was that pesky problem of being forced to attend these public education facilities called schools that derailed her glorious vision of winning and being presented with roses and trophies and rapt attention from everyone. So she decides to cut everything out of her life, including her friends. Who needs them, anyway?

So the instant her friends and family start reacting to Cindy's putting them...oh, about last on her list of priorities, she's all with the drama, repression and pissiness. Anyone's attempt to talk her earth-sized head down to a diameter that will at least fit her through a doorway is met with antagonism and defensiveness, but while Cindy is causally driving everyone she likes away from her and secretly developing a very frightening jealousy over Ashleigh, she's getting everything she wants. A second ride on Black Reason, leading to promised ride on Champion in the Dubai World Cup.

Then, right in the middle of avoiding everyone (because at this point she's convinced herself everyone is against her), Cindy has her moment of enlightenment! Oh, it's like the pure joy of a thousand gleaming diamonds falling from the sun! Cindy decides that she's been focusing too much on herself and winning, not enough on her horses and winning. Or Max and winning...or something equally vague. Her moment of enlightenment isn't exactly as clear cut this time, but it has something to do with being less selfish, but still caring deeply about winning.

So she patches things up with Max and then wins her next race on Black Reason, so now she's all sparkles and happiness, with only occasional (meaning every two to three pages) completely insane glimpses of irrational envy, jealousy, overreacting to innocent statements, irritation and obsession.

When they finally get to Dubai, Cindy's convinced Ashleigh doesn't really want to talk to her. Which basically means Cindy's the one that doesn't want to do any talking. In fact, she turns her back on Ashleigh when she tries to talk strategy concerning the sand surface, and Cindy decides she needs to concentrate without Ashleigh, which means riding Champion at night on the track without anyone else around. Naturally this doesn't go well. The ride is a complete failure, and Mark catches her on top of it. No one is happy, least of all Cindy.

Instead of being forced to deal with the repercussions of Cindy's crushing stupidity, she gets everything she wants in the end, wins the Dubai World Cup, and Ashleigh forgives her. Yay. Sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies!

Oddities:

• For as long as Bentley has gone on and on about this Very Important Fact that you have to be sixteen to ride a horse on any race track, Cindy says to herself in monologue on the very first page during her gate test that she's "almost sixteen." She just couldn't wait, could she?
  

• After Cindy passes her gate test, Samantha congratulates her and looks "wistful." This is because Cindy has accomplished what Samantha never could, and obviously Karen has to take some time out to focus on how Samantha was just too tall and heavy and therefore just not as happy with her life as Cindy obviously will be.

• Sometimes my life is just too good to be true! Cue sunshine and rainbows! Where are the butterflies, damn it!? We need butterflies here, stat!

• Cindy knew that everyone at Whitebrook simply expected her to become a great jockey. Yeeeeah. I'm sure they do, Cindy. I'm sure.

• Reason's great to ride, but he doesn't move like my Triple Crown Champion! You know, Karen Bentley probably thought she was being so clever when she named Wonder's Champion. I'm sure she was just tickled to death by all the annoying ways she could use the horse's name in a sentence.

• Also, someone probably should have explained to Karen that "Arabia" and the United Arab Emirates are not the same thing. As a former editor, you'd think she would have caught that.

• Oh, the infamous "the Nad al Sheba track is sand! I don't compute!" moment. All dirt tracks involve sand in some large quantity. The Churchill Downs track, for instance, is 75% SAND, 23% silt and 2% clay. Nad al Sheba has roughly the same percentages of the same stuff. Basically, it's like saying Ashleigh can train horses on Bluegrass but not Fescue.
  

• Since when is an airport waiting room sterile? If anything it's one of the most disgusting spaces one could ever be so unfortunate to occupy for even a few minutes.

• Again the word exquisite pops up twice on one page. Imperious is Karen's other favorite word, mostly reserved for Champion when he's feeling like a haughty jackass. It's just that every horse is exquisite and seriously what the hell is wrong with words like dainty, beautiful, elegant, graceful...fine-boned, even! For Christ's sake, crack a thesaurus once in your life!

• Pathetically enough, Mark and Cindy have more chemistry than Max and Cindy could ever hope for. No wonder they were doomed.
  

• You notice how Karen keeps calling Whitebrook's colors sky blue and white? Is she unaware that blue and sky blue are are entirely different colors or is she just a huge UNC basketball fan? Was she even looking at the book covers that were coming out before and during her writing tenure?
  

• Ashleigh and Cindy visit the inner sanctum commonly referred to as the jockey's room. Ashleigh informs Cindy that she's riding later on, but she's here to keep Cindy company. Then, no more than two paragraphs down the page, Ashleigh jumps up, says she's going to go change, and proceeds to abandon Cindy. What is up with that? Not to mention, once Ashleigh walks into the jockey's room she's not leaving until her race is run. Like hell she'd be able to lead Cindy back out of the room and into the walking ring for Cindy's race.
  

• Cindy comes in third in her race and immediately breaks into tears because she didn't win, thereby letting down everyone at Whitebrook. Or something equally horrendous because she will never win! She hasn't won and she never will! Why did she even bother trying! Black Reason doesn't deserve her! Cindy stops just short of breaking out a razor blade and slitting her wrists on the track.

• Unfortunately Cindy pulls it together and decides to act professionally by congratulating the winning jockey. The winning jockey is about to tell her she did pretty well as Cindy then turns on her heel and walks off, because "pretty well" is not good enough! Screw this professional thing. Who needs it, right?

• Oooh, not only is Cindy pissed off that she lost her race, she's pissed off because Ashleigh won hers with Champion. Ashleigh's won so much and Cindy has never won, therefore she can't find it in herself to be happy for anyone else's success. All of a sudden. Seriously, this kid needs to seek therapy. Possibly she should be on medication.

• If all of this wasn't enough, Cindy convinces herself that Max and Laura are going at it behind her back. Those backstabbing whores! Cindy's going to go cry now and you'll all be sorry! You'll all be! (I'm getting a really odd vibe that Cindy's about two steps from becoming suicidal in the middle of this book...she's acting like a lunatic who's taken one too many anti-depressants.)

• Ashleigh and Cindy go out on their trail ride, and switch horses for absolutely no reason other than it gives Karen another chance for Cindy to whine because Ashleigh can ride both Wonder and Honor like it's nothing and Wonder, like, slightly hesitates for Cindy which is OH MY GOD HORRIBLE! But then Ashleigh informs Cindy that she'll get the ride on Champion in the Dubai World Cup if she does well in her next race, and believe her, it's not a favor to Cindy. Oh no. It's because Cindy and Ashleigh are in their super duper girl jockey club and no one else can be trusted.
  

• Cindy decides that if she wins the Dubai World Cup and beats Ashleigh everyone will take her seriously and stop asking her to, like, go to school and do homework and have a life. It totally doesn't cross her mind that people would write her off completely even if she won the Dubai World Cup because she happened to be riding a TRIPLE CROWN (sigh) CHAMPION. They could stick a potato to Champion's saddle and probably get the same result.

• Heather and Doug have an "exciting" dinner for Valentine's Day. What were they doing? Espionage?
  

• Well, finally Samantha hits the nail on the head: The way you act now, I'd think that all you care about is winning your races, rather than the actual horses...or any of your relationships. Cindy's reaction is disbelief and shortly replying, "I'll just stop talking about racing to you, then." You know, all of this would be interesting if Karen Bentley had any clue and had made Cindy at all likable in the many opportunities she had before this book.
  

• Cindy cries to Honor, "Why didn't I win when I tried so hard?" Here's the thing. It's called odds making, and with each additional competitor your overall odds worsen. Even if you're riding an overwhelming favorite, there's still the chance you're going to lose. If you bet against the favorite, there's still a good chance you're going to get a payback. This is how the majority of gamblers make money. Cindy does not understand this, obviously. At her rate, I can see her playing the lottery and going into hysterics when she doesn't win because she picked her numbers with such care! Give Me A Break.

• Cindy's a good ice skater now? Since when does she have time to practice that? Anyway, she and Max get into their little fight and he informs her that he's actually not seeing Laura. You know, for once in this series I would like it if their worries were actually justified. If Max had said, "Yes, I'm seeing Laura because I realized you're not interested" I would have respected Karen a little more because that would have been so cool.
  

• Why don't they just homeschool Cindy? She's taking what looks like the whole of March off from school, which doesn't exactly work in the public system.
  

• Apparently Cindy's been eating a lot of French food at tracks around the country, which surprises me given all she eats at racetracks is backside kitchen food, which I'm am SURE does not involve anything I would call French cuisine.
  

• During a bit of bored skimming I ran over a sentence involving the words "Cindy" "Max" "hand" and "roaming" and nearly had a heart attack. Unfortunately, after a second read through, it was just a day dream about roaming around the desert while holding hands. I am so disappointed.
  

• Cindy wins her next race and everyone lavishes her with praise. Praise such as "Your first win, and you're already practically in the record books" and, not to mention: "a win like this is good PR for Whitebrook." Okay. She didn't set a record and it's an allowance race, which is one step up from bottom of the barrel. What, pray tell, is so great about this?

• Although I will say that having Cindy riding in the races is the best move Karen could have done for her race scene writing. Finally the talking stops.

• Mark makes some innocent comments and Cindy completely flips out in inner monologue, accusing Mark of thinking she's a second-class jockey. Nooo, but I would say everyone thinks she's an apprentice. Which she is. Which is not any sort of class.
  

• Nothing beats being a jockey! Cue sunshine and rainbows! Where are those damn butterflies?

• Oh, man, fantastic comedy. Ashleigh and Cindy have some match race at Gulfstream, and Ashleigh deliberately pulls Limitless into Champion's flank to interfere with him. Then she speeds on to win. Cindy is so pissed off she actually expects an apology, and when Ashleigh just bursts out laughing (because this was supposed to be lighthearted, but as we all know Cindy doesn't do lighthearted.) Cindy goes back into "near tears from frustration" scene and thus we end the chapter with Cindy assuming Ashleigh is going to play dirty in the Dubai World Cup. Which is just so funny I cannot express my glee properly.
  

• Welcome to Dubai! Within a page or two Karen compares a mosque to the Jefferson Memorial. So I'll just stop there with any possible discussion of what she thinks the rest of Dubai looks like.

• Hey, everybody! It's Ben! I wonder what miracles he'll perform this time!
  

• Now Cindy has it in her head that Ashleigh's not talking to her about training and then she has her second enlightenment, which is laughably wrong. Cindy discovers that Ashleigh isn't talking to her because she's afraid she'll lose the race if she gives Cindy any tips! How remarkably stupid. Just...no, stupid.
  

• Yay. Clover's back, only now he's Al Sha'ar. Cindy's read all about Al Sha'ar but apparently she was too dense to figure out he was actually Clover.
  

• I've never been so disappointed in anyone. Don't talk to me, Cindy. See, that is awesome. If only Karen had kept up the Cindy hate through the end of the book.
  

• On the phone to Max, Cindy actually says that the worst part of the conversation was when Ashleigh told Cindy that Champion wasn't her horse. Yes, that would be the worst part according to Cindy. Facing reality must be very difficult for her. Far more difficult than having someone tell her that they're so angry they can't abide listening to her talk.
  

• She supposed Ashleigh did have a right be frightened and angry when she saw Cindy and Champion out on the track. What? Kinda like she has the right to tell Cindy that Champion isn't Cindy's horse because he's, you know, ASHLEIGH'S? (And Brad's, but we won't get into that now because had Brad been at the track with Ashleigh he probably would have killed Cindy with the strength of his glare.)
  

• Ah, Ben does have a purpose. He tells Cindy that she has to listen to Ashleigh's advice and not let it be a slight to her self-esteem. Or her giant freaking ego that probably has several satellites the size of planets by now.
  

• Yeah, you know, kudos to Ashleigh for being the bigger person and approaching Cindy first before the race...but I would have been much happier if she'd let Cindy sweat for at least another book.
  

• The way Karen writes the Dubai World Cup racing scene, Limitless should have won. The only explanation for Champion winning is his special bond with Cindy and his extra superdrive, or whatever, because if he's written as tiring enough to look it with a quarter mile left in the race with Limitless in the lead, he's toast. Easy as that.
  

• How does Ashleigh feel about losing? Cindy wonders to herself. I can say, without a doubt, she doesn't feel like crying her eyes out and making a fool out of herself. Unlike some people I know....

Long story short? Cindy is insufferable. I'm shocked it took the publishers eleven books of this hell before pulling the plug on Cindy and Karen Bentley. Seriously, what was the point of this book other than learning you can be a bitch with no redeeming qualities and still get what you want if you push hard enough and then cry for added sympathy? Because that's what this book was throughout. A complete trainwreck.

One book left. One book left. One book left.