A Horse Called Hustle is not called Hustle

A Horse Called Hustle by CJ Love 2009

Jessa Wilder's grandfather has one small desire: to win back the horse that was stolen from him in a poker game by that stack-the-deck, horse-pinching card sharp Cole Hannible. Jessa is not above fleecing the average man in a game of poker. That's why she's the Seven-Card Stud Shootout Champion of the Southeast. But Cole Hannible isn't your average man, and even though Jessa bluffs him for a while, he's got an ace up his sleeve called revenge. Jessa Wilder will never get her hands on his Triple Crown winner, A Horse Called Hustle. He's made sure of it...and it could cost them both their hearts.

In case you were wondering, the horse isn't called Hustle. The horse is called A Horse Called Hustle. Think how fantastic our lives would be if we named things this way? Somehow, I think redundancy would be the least of our problems. Anyway, Jessa (or The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa), has arrived in Ocala. Or somewhere around in there. Due to some extreme planning of heights never reached before by man, she arrives at a gas station, where Cole (or The Dastardly but Beautiful Man Named Cole) has been working on his truck. She accidentally honks the horn, and he just happens to wander over to make her look like a moron, and incidentally notices she's leaking oil all over the place. She refuses his help, drives off, finds him later on the road with his broken down truck, and offers to drive him to this 4,500 acre thoroughbred farm. So the plan to get Cole to lose his Triple Crown winner via poker is well under way. Right around here I suspected this story was going to turn to hilarity. It started when Cole picks up a rifle and jumps into Jessa's Porsche, which then promptly breaks down as a hurricane whirls up and leaves them deserted on some Florida highway. Jessa then reveals her cat named Stanley, who follows them determinedly through the woods as they attempt to walk through the hurricane on their way to Cole's farm. They don't make it, and stumble into an abandoned barn, where they decide to pass the time by playing poker, all in hopes that Jessa will somehow get Cole to bet his Triple Crown winner, A Horse Called Hustle. That doesn't exactly happen, but she does get him to bet a "horse of her choice," and this is written out all nice and legal on a Taco Bell napkin. So, to recap, this ploy to get Cole to lose his famous horse to her in a poker game included: 1. Strategically out of gas Porsche 2. Ignorance involving how to pump gas 3. The wild hope that Cole will happen to be at this gas station at this precise time 4. Sabotaging Cole's truck so it will break down 5. Cutting the Porsche's oil line so that it will break down after she has managed to pick up Cole 6. A HURRICANE The hurricane passes, so Cole, Jessa and Stanley the cat go on their merry way. They run into the angriest cow on the face of the earth, cross a river by jumping through trees (with a house cat, mind you) and randomly wind up back at the cars. Someone picks them up and says, "Oh, hey, that's The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa WILDER. You know, the granddaughter of the guy you hate who wants your horse?" And Cole gets all upset and refuses to speak to Jessa, even after she sends him twenty steaks and balloons and Hallmark cards and essentially decides that she'd rather not screw around with him and his horse. Of course, he does not tell her he hates her to her face, he sends her a telegram. Apparently Cole does not believe in pretty and insulting greeting cards. And then the real fun starts. Cole and Jessa's grandfather, That Guy Named Pappy or Poppy or Somebody, "hate" each other. And they take this hatred out on each other through ridiculous pranks that seem to have some meaning, but I failed to really care. The important thing here is that Jessa is on Cole's To Prank list. This inevitably involves a "haunted house" and the reenactment of what I recognized to be my life as a college student. Eventually Jessa and Cole find themselves lost in Florida again, restlessly searching for a BP that never appears. The pranks continue continuing. Cole outbids Jessa on all those Norwegian Fjords she wanted just to irk her, etc. Then someone lets a bull into the stud barn, scattering stallions in all directions. Cole blames Jessa for this incident, shakes her around because this is romantic and not abusive, and then randomly decides to play poker with Paddy or Pappy or whoever for her hand in marriage or what not. He loses. No one cares. Because the The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa is more loved than A Horse Called Hustle. I suppose they get married and have many fantastic adventures in the woods of Florida. Just some random quotes: - Slapping him on the back, they congratulated him for surviving the wilds and facing the hurricane like a man. It was a guy moment. - It was all very dramatic as the sun sank lower in the sky and the lamps beneath the oak trees lit automatically. - "We're grown men. By god, you have to be a man to pull some of the stunts we've...they've pulled. And you have to have a driver's license, and know someone who's studied electricity, or at least physics. A lawyer comes in handy once in awhile. We're men, okay?" - Not hungry, Jessa approached the free-sample lady, thinking to pass the time. - "Taco Bell," he said aloud. "I guess it's time to go south of the border." - "Where are you going?" "To stare out the window." As you can see, this book was about two parts hilarious and one part awesome. It has no clue on the horse end of things, but I think I was too entranced by the rest of it to even begin noticing that problem. That said: hour and a half of your time, tops. It's time well spent.

At least none of the characters were Irish.

Ride a Dark Horse
by Laura Moore
2001

Cassie Miller was on track to be one of the best equestrian riders of the sport when a terrible accident left her as the guardian of an orphaned niece and nephew. Seeking means to support the twins--now five years old--Cassie takes a job as a horse trainer at the prestigious Five Oaks farm where she finds not one, but two worthy adversaries--Orion, a bold, dark horse that has yet to find a rider it deems its equal, and local veterinarian Caleb Wells, a man whose startling good looks and quick wit leave Cassie unnerved.

As Cassie trains Orion for competition, Caleb, a partner in the farm, watches over their progress. A womanizer since his recent divorce, he soon finds his heart softening for this strong and gifted woman--and for her unconventional family. But as Orion's Hampton Classic competition looms, Caleb's vengeful ex-wife threatens to ruin everything Cassie and Caleb have worked for....

I continue to totally fail at reading romance novels. They just make me want to bang my head against the nearest hard object until I fall into a blissful state of unconsciousness. This urge takes over about a quarter of the way through the book, and to save my poor brain I make a courageous effort to understand the plot as I read one sentence every five to ten pages until I finish the book in five minutes and call it a day.

That's what happened here. Nothing against Laura Moore. I'm sure she's a nice lady. It's just that I've (sort of) read Chance Meeting, and I know what she's up to.

Let's all meet Cassie. Everything about her is sublime on every level you can imagine. Basically, Cassie is better than you. At the tender age of nineteen, she adopts her dead brother's infant twins, drops off the face of the earth in order to raise them, and for reasons that don't make a whole lot of sense, goes to Virginia to interview for their trainer position because everyone before her has predictably sucked. And where they have so routinely failed, Cassie will be vaguely awesome.

Her interview is essentially the sob story that is Cassie's life. Because backstory can't be subtly woven into a story, it must be smashed in your face and ground into your pores until you curl up into submission and wait for it to stop. Everyone is appropriately stunned by the news that life is hard, and Cassie gets the job, becoming the rider of the fabulously difficult Orion.

Now let's meet Caleb. Caleb is an oversexed asshole, and Laura is doing him absolutely no favors by having him be an oversexed asshole for about the first hundred pages. First impressions are everything, Laura! Your character? He's kind of a jackass. I wanted Orion to kick him in the face. I do not care that halfway through the book you made him a loveable, kindly veterinarian who sits by the bedside of a comatose dog all night. By that point I was skimming and I still wanted Orion to kick him in the face.

Anyway. Caleb learns that Cassie has been hired, and since she is only twenty-four to his thirty-two, he immediately has a fit about her being a baby, a girl, and a child. Yes. All of those things! After proceeding to meet her, however, this opinion changes rather swiftly. Why do you do this, romance genre? I will never stop being disturbed by your father figure issues.

Because Caleb is a jackass, he lays it on pretty thick with Cassie, who is instantly repulsed by his ridiculous behavior. This does not cause Caleb to pause and think to himself, "Hey, maybe I'm being a douche. If I want her to sleep with me, perhaps I should turn it down about a billion notches until I seem like a presentable man again." He just continues being a jackass until Cassie presents her mare, who may or may not have a strained tendon. And it is so super oh my god nail biting that Caleb, being a vet, finally latches on to his professional persona and finally levers Cassie's personality back into doe-eyed female who watches in awe of the strong, manly man who fixes everything by stating the fucking obvious.

And then three hours later he's trying to cover her face with his saliva in a bathroom, and because she's seen his professional side for all of two pages, this is a good idea...until it isn't! Just what the hell is going on here? Cassie is a lady!

Faced with reason, Caleb finally calls it a day after threatening her that they will indeed make love. Maybe not now, but he's (kind of) patient and you just wait. Oh, you just wait.

The next day Cassie goes running in the quaint Virginia countryside and somehow manages to bump into Caleb, who is all pissed off because she is alone and there could be rapists and molesters just waiting to pounce on Cassie at five thirty in the morning. This is totally likely! He tries to devour her face with his mouth again (I guess failing to see his own point), but a truck rumbles by and Cassie doesn't want the whole town of rapists and molesters finding out that she's easy, so she pulls away. And thus starts the three hundred pages of Caleb trying not to be an asshole, Cassie being vaguely good at riding, and everyone being rather boring as they try to establish an actual relationship built on friendship and trust before they have the aforementioned sex.

I kind of skipped most of those pages. But I did pick up on the following:

- Cassie has a brother, Alex, and Alex is the "if you hurt my sister, I will end you" type. Caleb picks up on this and instantly loathes him with a burning passion that left me cold. He's her brother, you asshole. So I kept up with the book mainly to see if Alex would punch Caleb in the nose.

- Somehow, the turning point in this story becomes Caleb's ex-wife attempting to give him a fake blow job in the middle of a stable. It's not shocking that this happened. What is shocking is how hurt Caleb is after everyone really believes that he's the kind of guy who would get a blow job in public. Caleb, may I refer you to the first hundred pages of this novel?

- I cannot believe how long this book is. Oh my god.

- Cassie talks like she's an elderly woman living in the 1950s. Based on every romance novel I've ever read, it is clear to me that none of these writers remember what being twenty-four is like.

- At random, Cassie's ex-fiancé shows up specifically so Caleb can beat him to a pulp. You have to love forced plot and one-dimensional characters! I know I do.

- Orion is awesome! And they win everything!

It's been a while since I've read a romance novel. I guess we were due.

Romantic comedies need to happen more often in horse books.

The Gift Horse
by Jami Davenport

Never look a gift horse in the mouth?

City boy Carson receives a temperamental gift horse complete with strings attached: transform a run-down horse farm into a showplace and a disorganized horse trainer bent on self-sabotage into a winner. His horse trainer has her own agenda, one that puts her life and his heart on the line.

I pretty much automatically love a person with a sense of humor, and going by The Gift Horse, I have a feeling Jami Davenport is my sort of person. Maybe not Barbara Dunlop sort of hilarious, but damn amusing in a way that doesn't involve desert raiders and a character's belatedly realizing they don't know how to read a language like, say, Arabic. For me, this is fantastic, because if we're going to head straight back into romance on this blog, there had best be some comedy. It's the only thing that saves me from rolling my eyes.

Well, anyway, to the plot. Sam is a disheveled mess who has recently returned home from Germany after a harrowing experience with a barn fire that inconveniently occurred at the barn she just happens to be returning to. Carson is the son of the owner. Carson is also neat and orderly and what some might call boring. At least he's good looking. And Sam is at least sort of pretty (if not beautiful) under all that dirt. Through family plotting that I am in no way going to get into, Carson becomes the half-owner of Gabbie, the dressage horse Sam hopes to ride into the upper echelons of the sport. But then her old trainer shows up, and all this crap starts to happen that drags up her past with the aforementioned barn fire, and a plot from Days of our Lives suddenly springs forth.

New friendships are tested! Old friendships are (really) tested! Gabbie keeps throwing herself at Carson, who keeps rebuffing her! The barn manager keeps slinking around, taking detailed notes on everyone! Everyone thinks this is very weird! Also, why are these horses suddenly going lame? Who stands to benefit? Will Sam learn how to brush her hair and launder her clothes in a timely manner? Will Carson loosen up a little and stop storing his underwear in tidy rows in his dresser? Will Gabbie ever get Carson to reciprocate her feelings, or will she be doomed to her own species for the rest of her natural life? The drama! The drama.

Okay, here are the two main things that I loved about this book. The first: Sam and Carson's first sexy encounter occurs in a "bordello on wheels." The bed may or may not "whirl around like a carnival ride." I kind of think that was metaphor working its magic, but I like to think of it as literal. The second: people spend most of the book thinking Juan the barn manager has lost, literally, all of his sense, because he will not stop acting like a private investigator who is very obvious at his job. This, however, is an act. By the end everyone does a collective who is this guy? and I fell in love with him...just a little bit. And I really love how he's like, "I'm out, bitches!" and just randomly leaves and everyone's too in awe of his awesomeness to really question it. Juan, you so deserve your own romance novel!

Anyway. I liked Sam's inability to function, while still demanding she can function just fine. Most romance novels seem to hinge on the girl being the most amazing girl ever and the boy being the most manly boy ever, and this book seems more focused on the two continually surprising each other, which would be great if it wasn't the characters moving away from their quirks and into the romance novel formula. For instance, as it turns out Sam can clean up nicely! And Carson can actually play sports, evaluate an engine, and fix fences! That said, the book does go the opposites attract route, and then does follow up on the suggestion that they'll never work out, like, twice. So that was interesting. Another fun aspect is the point of view changes. Every so often, Gabbie gets to step up and tell it like it is...despite not really knowing anything because she's a horse who cannot speak English. Gabbie makes the book and refreshes the old romance formula. Whenever Carson and Sam get sort of tiring, Gabbie is always portrayed perfectly. And Juan never gets old. Obviously.

So, other than a few small things and some typos (unfortunately for most of the population, "shoe-in" is a misspelling) I enjoyed it.

And I totally want Juan to get his own book. Please, Jami? Pretty please?

(The Gift Horse will be available in print at Amazon and B&N June 2009.)

Shall we eat tapas and talk about Spain some more?

Who's Cheatin' Who?
Thoroughbred Legacy #7
By Maggie Price
2008

Champion jockey Melanie Preston believes romance is a complication best avoided. She has enough to worry about with Quest Stables tottering on the edge of financial ruin! But when the gorgeous thorn in her side--horse trainer Marcus Vasquez--leaves to open his own stable, Melanie is torn between relief...and desire for a man she can't trust. For Marcus's dark good looks go hand in hand with a past that's just as mysterious....

Now, as he and Melanie are plunged into a dangerous plot, only Marcus's secrets can unlock Quest's Thoroughbred mystery...if they don't threaten Melanie's life!

For those of us who are keeping track of my foray with the Thoroughbred Legacy series, you might notice that I skipped a book. Typically, hell would have to freeze over for this to happen, but I have two words to describe the book that has been justifiably skipped: Formula One. Considering the fact that I can't sit through one lap of a NASCAR race, there's no way I'm dealing with a whole book about a country singer and a race car driver. Forget it. So I moved on.

Honestly, I think this series probably hit its high note with Millions to Spare. I don't see how you can get better than a plot that blatantly makes no sense, but is awesome anyway. Unfortunately for this book, it tries to move the series plot too far forward, makes a giant mess of it, and on top of it all it has a horrible name. Who's Cheatin' Who? There are a lot of awful Thoroughbred names out there, but this one is in a realm unto itself. Even the blatantly sexually suggestive names are better than this, because those are at least a little amusing.

For this book, we're back in Kentucky for the wedding of a couple of people who were important in a previous book. They don't matter anymore, but rest assured they're no longer living in sin. Melanie, spunky blond jockey not unlike Thoroughbred's Melanie, hikes her spike heels down to the training barn to question Marcus, the farm's trainer, about his quitting, because pretty much everyone is quitting Quest. At least, that's what I think was going on. Regardless, Marcus indicates that he's out of there by morning and would she like to make out with him? This is presented to her as some ridiculous Spanish tradition that I'm sure does not actually exist. They kiss and it's all fireworks and molten lava and such things.

But fear not! Naturally this disintegrates into woe, for they can only be "just friends" for the reason that Melanie cannot trust men (as her last boyfriend was actually married to a very pregnant woman, much to her eternal shock) and Marcus does not believe in love (because his daddy did not love his mommy, because she was Spanish and poor and he was English and a viscount). This information has so emotionally torn them apart that they cannot possibly get involved with other people, for they are too busy ruing the day they ever had things like previous relationships/dysfunctional family drama.

Because everyone in these books are remarkably inclusive, rich Formula One guy from book previous conveniently starts up a Thoroughbred racing stable. Marcus just happens to be the most awesome horse trainer ever, and Formula One guy needs a trainer! Wow, astonishing how that works out! Then Formula One guy buys 51% of Quest's big horse, Something to Talk About, and moves him to the new racing barn. Then Marcus convinces Melanie to come work for them so she can still ride Something to Talk About, giving Quest some tiny shred of hope against the looming threat of bankruptcy.

Just as an aside, this whole situation is ridiculous mainly for the fact that Melanie is this big time jockey who, for reasons that benefit pretty much no one, has made herself a contract rider. I don't get it. Then the situation gets more ridiculous when this random guy comes along and gets shot in the head.

You see, way back when, Marcus's half-brother bought Apollo's Ice, the stallion everyone has questions about. Previously, this horse was stabled at a farm called Angelina, and it was at this farm where the shenanigans occurred with the conception of Leopold's Legacy, the daddy issues horse we still have not seen, and most likely never will at this point. The guy who gets shot in the head here used to be a groom at Angelina, and he probably had all this information locked away in his brain that is subsequently blasted to bits. However, just in case this happened, he's backed up all this information on a cell phone. A cell phone that his son just happens to accidentally destroy! Oh, cruel fates. So the son, Carl or Carlos or some variation on that theme, runs out to find Melanie, and totally panics on her before running off like a startled deer, bound for Mexico...or so we all think. Then random guy with gun (marked by a hilariously obvious tattoo that matches the silk colors of some farm that is probably not Angelina, but probably is because that would be ridiculous and totally normal) appears and threatens Melanie. He knows her routine! He knows where the security cameras are! He, like, knows all about them! Only no one has seen this guy before. And then he dumps her unconscious body in with this crazy filly called Who's Cheatin' Who?, named after a particularly traumatizing divorce. Marcus, naturally, saves her and goes through some pent up romance hero berserker rage about it. The cops come, the cops go, everyone has a fit, and then Melanie goes Christmas shopping.

Marcus angsts some about his half-brother and this promise he made his mother about never telling anyone who his real daddy is. As if we all care, Marcus. Plenty of people don't really care, not to mention this promise is pretty asinine. Well, whatever, because Marcus mopes some more. Melanie reveals more about her previous relationship and how trust is so important. Marcus is totally walking on thin ice here, because his daddy issues are so frighteningly pressing. Really!

Christmas wanders along, getting caught up in the sexual tension that is causing lots of awkwardness. Eventually they break down. Sex is had. I think I tuned that out, because this author is all about tastes. Everyone tastes so tantalizing! This sort of disgusted me. Oh, yeah, and at some point they eat tapas. This was also a pretty big deal.

But then the big reveal comes along and Melanie realizes that Marcus is related to the guy that owns Apollo's Ice. Big shocker! Although, really, who cares? I frankly think Melanie was just so disgusted by the thought that Marcus could have an ugly and old half-brother that she overreacted. Then they race in what is called the "Gulf Classic" at Gulfstream, but I think this is probably the Florida Derby. I think they win. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Afterward, Marcus is being all freakishly needy about wanting to talk about how he's such a liar, and blah blah blah, and Melanie actually comes to the decision that she doesn't really want to talk. She wants to go home, except guy with the tattoo appears to threaten her needlessly again! Shocking! Then Marcus comes out of nowhere, because he was probably stalking her like some crazy co-dependent asshole, and comes to her aid. Melanie beats the guy with her crop and at some point Marcus accidentally kills him, which is just dandy with the police because "clearly it was self-defense." Naturally this means we don't have to go to the station or answer many (if any) questions, because Marcus is so self-assured (but apparently not) and all.

Then Melanie, completely amazed by what has happened, listens to Marcus's touching, but kind of stupid, testimonial about his mom being bitter, but more recently dead. For, you see, she had no love in her life. In fact, she was mostly used and rejected. But Marcus has love in his life, unless Melanie rejects him, and then God help her. Luckily for us all, Melanie accepts this remarkably juvenile explanation and they get back together.

Also, as an aside, why is Quest getting so much awfulness rained down on it from various racing authorities if this horse was never even bred there? I am going to have to keep going with this series, just so I can see how this completely improbable plot is eventually explained. It's easily the most convoluted Thoroughbred breeding mishap plot that ever existed.

Someone get these people some psychiatric help!

The Light of the Moon
by Luanne Rice
2008

Against a backdrop of stunning natural beauty, and in the shadow of a mysterious family legend, one woman is about to discover that to find your way home, sometimes you must travel far away.…

An accomplished anthropologist, Susannah Connolly suddenly finds herself adrift in the wake of a failed love affair and the loss of her mother. Boarding a transcontinental flight on the evening of her birthday, she’s decided to give herself a long-deferred gift. Encouraged by her late mother’s magical stories, she is traveling from the Connecticut shore to the fabled French Camargue, to see its famous white horses and find a mysterious “saint” linked to her family’s history.

Amid the endless silvered marshes, she will find a lonely man, his wounded daughter–and a part of herself she hadn’t known she’d lost…until she realized how hard it would be to lose it again.

Before I begin this post, let's all view a video! (It's pertinent, I promise.) Behold:



Okay, so let's regroup. After viewing the video (if you failed to view the video, go back and view it, otherwise you're going to fail at understanding how insane a certain portion of this book is when you get down to really imagining what is going on...and you're going to want to imagine this to the point where you don't want to imagine anymore, so view the damn video), you will notice the Camargue horses and the Camargue. You'll also notice the prancing and the standing on the horses as they prance through arenas and marshes and whatnot. Prance, prance, prance...it's just magical, okay? Now, this is pertinent because every time someone says something about riding a horse in this book, they really mean what is going on in this video. This book reads like Luanne Rice stared at this video for a year straight, actually. So just keep that in mind, especially for the later part -- the portion of this book I can't get into now, because it's way too early in any review for that. Seriously.

Someone requested this book, and I decided that the best way to get through this was by forcing myself to pay attention to it by listening to the audio book version. I've got a long commute, so this worked out for the book, because I was forced to sit through every minute of the thirteen and a half hours this book took of my commuting time. I later discovered this book is 400 pages long, and there is no way I was going to be able to get through that without skimming vast portions. The stupid audio book made me sit through a lot I wouldn't normally sit through. That is not a plus, but let's just get to the story.

Susannah is a cultural anthropologist (cue lots of talk about cultural anthropology and cave paintings that I didn't want to know about...thanks audio book!) who has toiled through 42 years of life without the love of a decent man. That is to say, she's got the love of a man...he's just not the right man. This man is Ian, her study partner in grad school. He wants to marry her, but he mainly just wants to keep benefiting from her work. Susannah rejects his marriage proposal, but he keeps clinging to the hope that she'll do what he wants, pissing her off in a really round about and infuriatingly calm way. Susannah's mom recently died, resulting in angst ahoy for Susannah, who didn't make it back from Turkey in time to see her mom before she died, leaving her feeling guilty, despite knowing that her mom wanted her to go and not plant herself next to her hospital bed. Susannah angsts anyway and decides to go to the Camargue, because that is where she was going to go with her mom, and it happens to be where she was conceived due to some divine intervention of Sara La Kali. Susannah also has violet eyes. I think that's all you need to know about Susannah right there.

Anyway, Susannah arrives in France and immediately finds herself trooping through the marsh because that's a great idea, Suzie! Instead of running into the horses she runs into a whole herd of bulls and is saved by Grey Dempsey in heroic fashion (ie. he gallops in on a white horse, grabs her hand, lifts her onto the horse, and they gallop back to her car). Grey is an American and hated by the gypsy people because he married Maria, the very best of all the local gypsies, and tainted her by impregnating her, resulting in the thirteen-year-old tear machine, Sari. You see, five long years ago, Maria ran off and Sari pitched a fit and hysterics ensued and this inevitably resulted in Sari falling off a horse and breaking her pelvis. Maria went to Nevada and Sari has issues. Since the fall she is completely color blind and she cries or whispers something in a tortured voice every three pages. I would like to say I am kidding, but I'm just not. If there was any emotionally traumatized person you want to slap, it is this kid.

Susannah and Grey start the most tentative relationship ever and angst ensues. Sari cries, Susannah thinks about crying, Sari cries, Susannah's eyes well up with tears, Sari cries, Susannah cries, Sari cries some more, and Grey is surrounded by INSANE PEOPLE. Okay. So everyone is walking on eggshells around Sari, Susannah winds up being totally accepted by the gypsy community because their saint, Sara La Kali, caused her very existence, and Grey obsesses over wanting to do something with Susannah without upsetting Sari, who is going to be upset anyway because every day she gets upset over something, for Christ's sake. Eventually Grey and Susannah go diving in some cave somewhere and later Ian pops up in some ridiculous romance novel attempt at staking claim. Grey totally acts like he's twelve (I was thinking it, and Ian voiced it, and I snickered mercilessly) and tosses Ian in a harbor. Then they go on some moonlit ride that may or may not have involved sex in a marsh. I lean away from this, actually, because Sari has to interrupt them to scream about this yearling she accidentally let out of the stable. Oops.

So Susannah and Grey find the yearling in a pool of quicksand, and they manage to save it after several minutes of angsting and Susannah trying to not be turned on by Grey's naked torso. I guess the sexual frustration reaches a fever point during all of this, because the horse pops out of the quicksand and they start making out. Of course, then Sari has to show up and throw another fit. Susannah leaves after this and flies back to Connecticut, where she teaches cultural anthropology. Her mentor, Helen, hears all about these adventures and tells her that she should really stalk Maria. Fantastic idea! Susannah goes to Nevada and checks into Maria's ranch/circus/whatever. She discovers that Maria is pregnant (not shocking, although of course Susannah was knocked over by this development) and actually not a villain. She's, like, totally agreeable. Only then this girl has to find a book on Sara La Kali in Susannah's room, and in a fit of emotional turmoil after a call from her gypsy friends (who have steadily ignored her for 13 years, but have now gotten over it because Sari's insanity is starting to actually trouble people), Maria totally breaks into Susannah's hotel room and reads the letters to Grey and discovers Susannah's true purpose for visiting. Susannah finds her and proceeds to drive the point home to the hilt: blah blah Sari blah blah crazy blah blah motherhood blah blah help blah.

Turns out that Maria left because she thought it would help Sari out in the long run, given that the gypsies sort of cursed her (or not, I don't really know about that) and has longed to hear news about Sari. Since then she's wanted another kid to make up for the fact that she left her daughter, but suddenly she can't have kids. She knows that it is Sara La Kali punishing her for what she did, so she decides to give up riding (see: vaulting or whatever we were discussing earlier). The night she decides to give up riding, she rides (vaults) out into the desert with her husband guy. They ride (vault) their horses over the sand. She, of course, is wearing a shimmering silky dress. Then her husband guy jumps onto her horse and they decide, hey, let's sit on the horse instead of doing this standing thing. And then sex on horseback happens. Yup. I know. I will never understand the mechanics that go into this, but I can only hope they thought to slow the horse down to a walk or something.

Anyway, so then we skip forward about a month to this festival thing. Grey has worked out this plan with Susannah and the gypsies, including Maria. They're all going to meet at the carnival and reintroduce Sari to Maria at a hugely attended event so as to maximize the potential for melodrama, I guess. Sari is in the middle of pitching yet another crying fit when Maria shows up on Grey's horse. Automatically Sari shuts her trap and Grey puts her on the horse with Maria and two seconds later everything is not only fantastic, Sari's ability to see color comes back. In the epilogue, Sari goes out to Nevada to see Maria and presumably stops being so flipping annoying. Susannah decides to move to France to be with Grey. The end.

• Publishers Weekly called the narrative in this book "maddeningly repetitive" and they are very right. Not to mention, Luanne doesn't just use one adjective to describe something. Oh no. Why use one when you can use three? And most dialogue begins with "Oh, Grey" or "Oh, Sari" or "Oh, Susannah," and maybe it was the way the woman on the audio book read that, but it drove me absolutely up the wall.

• After Susannah and Grey kiss, they always always have to describe what they taste like, and whether or not their lips are hot, cold or the intriguing combination of both. That also drove me crazy.

• As a librarian, if anyone in my field ever came up to me after I'd taken some strange trip to, say, this Bibliothèque du Cheval Blanc (I don't know if it's real, and I don't care), and said "How was your trip to the bibliothèque?" I would probably secretly hate that person.

The one thing I liked about this book was the suggestion that women don't have to pick and choose between what they want to do with their lives. There's all of this emphasis on picking between motherhood and whatever the hell else women might want to do, and being forced to give up everything for the fact that they are a mother. This resonates a lot with the Maria portion of the story, and how she eventually comes to the conclusion that you can have anything you want along with being a mother, etc. So that was okay. The rest of the book was way too long, way too repetitive, way filled with info dumps you never wanted to know or were never that important to begin with, and by the last chapter you have a sense that at least a chapter or two was cut because someone realized that this was getting out of hand. Publishers Weekly got it right. It's maddening and dull.

(But I still get to create that sex on horseback tag, so I'm pretty happy.)

This is the best horsey romance novel ever written.

Millions to Spare
Thoroughbred Legacy #5
by Barbara Dunlop
2008

Reporter Julia Nash has waited years to join the top ranks of investigative journalists. When a trip to Dubai reveals the key to a mystery in the world of Thoroughbred racing, Julia finds her chance. But then she's caught snooping…and held in the sole custody of Lord Harrison Rochester!

As long as it takes. That's what Harrison vows when he keeps Julia at his desert estate. He'll discover what the beauty has been up to—even if the search leads to an attraction neither expected. But when Julia's safety is compromised, they must say goodbye…or "I do."

I debated over whether or not to post this synopsis, because it's just so stupid it makes my head hurt. Okay, actually, when I bought this I bought it because of this synopsis. I'll admit that much. It made me laugh out loud in the grocery store, where I was standing shamelessly in front of a Harlequin novel display. (I was in Detroit. I didn't know anyone who wasn't related to me. It was okay.) I wanted this book to be a really awful Stockholm Syndrome crazyfest that happened to involve horses (somehow) and instead...oh, instead. Instead I got the most awesome romance novel that I've ever read. I actually stayed up into the early hours of morning to finish this thing, and that sort of obsessive behavior is usually reserved for the most awesome of books. Books that are not romances. Or horse books, as it turns out. Usually.

I know! That was unexpected. So let's just start. Because I might like this book a whole damn lot, but it's so insane that I do have to recap it. Julia Nash is at Nad al Sheba, doing something related to Quest and her Equine Earth (think Thoroughbred Times) job when she sees a horse that is the spitting image of Leopold's Legacy, the horse with father issues. Previous experience with Leopold's Legacy look alikes lead me to believe this horse is a plain bay, but this time out he's a distinctive dun with a flaxen tail. Well, whatever. Stunned, Julia goes to take a picture of the horse and is thwarted by security and this creepy guy with the end of his nose cut off. She is informed that this horse is Millions to Spare, owned by Cadair Racing. Julia, trying to be good at investigative reporting, climbs into the Cadair trailer to get a saliva sample from the horse, only to get stuck in the trailer and accidentally transported all the way back to Cadair, where she is discovered and hauled off to jail.

Jail in Dubai is glorious. No, actually, they strip search her and take away all her clothes, leaving her with a cotton cover up of some sort. Julia spends the rest of her time contemplating whether or not to pee in the drain, because no one seems interested in her bodily functions and she has no other option.

Now we get to meet Harrison and his lawyer friend, Alex. Because Harrison is English and apparently a diplomat, he's hosting this meeting over a pipeline or whatnot that was important for, like, a page. Because Julia shows up in his horse trailer, and this meeting is coming up, he comes to the stunning conclusion that Julia is a secret operative with the CIA. I know, right? It can't get better than this. For whatever reason, Harrison decides to bribe the police and get Julia put in his custody. Because it's more convenient for him to watch her just in case she does turn out to be a spy, in which case he's totally prepared to handle her when he willingly brings her into his home, the place she was (according to his logic) trying to get into in the first place? Either Harrison is remarkably hands on or he's insane. Because this book is so awesome, it's got to be the former.

Anyhoo, he goes and gets Julia, telling her that she'll be placed in his care until he feels convinced she's no threat, or some such. Julia immediately requests a phone, and he decides that, you know, he'd like to not let a potential spy have access to a phone. Instead he has her write down all her contacts and then tells her that he'll have his assistant tell, like, her family and all her friends, that she met a guy and would really like to whore around Dubai. He comes up with this plan because he's somehow found out that she was wearing a thong before the strip search, resulting in this gem of a conversation:

"You think that because I wear a thong I'll jump into bed with a man I just met?"
"I think your underwear was designed to share."
"Not with an insufferable bastard like you."
"But, Julia. Since your friends have never met me, they won't know I'm an insufferable bastard, will they?"

Oh, point taken, Harrison. Then he does super secret diplomat things, like checking out her magazine's website. Indeed Julia is a reporter, but then that could be a cover! He decides to keep her at his Dubai palace (because he has a Dubai palace) just in case. The next day, Julia decides that she's going to keep on not telling him that she thinks Millions to Spare and Leopold's Legacy are somehow related, and decides to do an impromptu interview that he just decides to go along with. Here we discover his full name and title is The Right Honorable Lord Harrison William Arthur Beaumont-Rochester Baron Welsmeire. And this pops up more than you might think. After this enlightening conversation, Julia runs into Millions to Spare in the stable and rips out some of his hair, because she now only owns whatever she left the jail in and therefore lost her previous sample. And then the horse dies, provoking Harrison into a fit that finally gets Julia to come out with her real reason behind all of this.

So everyone's on the same page. Finally. Harrison and Julia go to the Preston's hotel to sort things out and give Julia her life back, leaving Alex and Harrison's fiancee to be, Brittany, alone to bitch at each other. Something to Talk About (horse from previous book) runs in the Sandstone Derby and wins, during which Harrison tells everyone that Millions to Spare and Leopold's Legacy are related, resulting in some minor plot. Julia decides to stick around in Dubai until she can gather enough information to write a fantastic piece, only to discover that the police feel they haven't been bribed well enough and are out looking for her again. She tries for the airport, only to run back to Harrison, resulting in the most amazing romantic action sequence since Romancing the Stone. No. Really.

Anyway, that party/meeting is happening when Julia arrives. The police are not far behind her, so Harrison decides to drive her out into the desert, but not before Brittany decides that she has to swap clothes with Julia in order to serve as a proper decoy. Alex and Brittany ride off on horseback, leaving Julia in this silver evening gown...in which she is going to evade police! Fantastic. Harrison (also in a tux, I should mention) and Julia drive off into the desert, starting a police chase that doesn't end until they hit full on sand dunes. Alex and Brittany, because they are the second romantic couple in this book, and also happen to be awesome, ride their horses to a shack and then call a taxi to go to some city...but I'll get back to them in a minute, because Harrison and Julia are fending off desert raiders on camels and horses! In evening wear! Oh my God.

Actually, they just go faster than horses and camels can travel, leaving the raiders behind. Although they do notice that the guy with no nose was among the raiders, looking threatening. Wow, a double pronged threat. Police and crazy mob/raiders...all after Julia for seemingly no reason. Anyway, Harrison and Julia wind up at this oasis and spend some time with one of his people's relatives. There they decide that they should really have sex, because we've gone a lot of pages without sex, and this is a romance novel. So sex happens, and he spontaneously starts muttering French, and she spontaneously understands him, to which he's all shocked and she asks him if they could just blame the adrenaline. Then this conversation:

"I mean, have you ever..."
"Had sex?"
"Had sex like that."
"You mean in French?"
"I didn't realize you spoke French."
"No kidding."
"You're not going to tell me you just had the most incredibly mind-blowing experience of your life, are you?"
"Are you the kind of guy who needs to hear that?"
"It must have been the adrenaline."

Just in case you're curious...it gets more awesome from here because Brittany and Alex are at a water park. I am not kidding. I couldn't even begin to embellish this because this book is just that hilarious. So, yeah, Brittany and Alex are buying swim suits, and he challenges her to wear the most hideous thing he can find, which she totally accepts because she's into one upping him at any opportunity. So she wears his choice and knocks him dead in it, of course. And they, like, go on water slides. And apparently this is sexy or something. I was astonished. Amazed. I would read it again. It totally beat out that time in that other romance novel where the main couple went to Toys R Us.

But back to Harrison and Julia...they are currently at the oasis and dealing with a sand storm. Yup, a sand storm. Which would give them opportunity for more sex, but they have to talk about Brittany and so they don't have sex. Instead they decide that there is a way for Julia to get back on a plane bound for Kentucky! She would have to have a diplomatic passport...the kind she could only get if she happened to marry a diplomat, which Harrison just happens to be. But Harrison puts his foot down. No...nope. He's marrying Brittany because she's the acceptable choice, and he cannot get married to an American in the middle of the desert. No. He would sooner pack up the Jeep and find a way to illegally smuggle her out of the country. Yes...that is a much more fantastic plan! But then, the next morning, he has a change of heart. They are so going to get married in the desert. And they do. They actually do. Only if they immediately get divorced. Julia agrees and then they send for a helicopter and helicopter her passport out to be changed to a diplomatic passport, which comes back swiftly in time for them to hop in the helicopter and realize, to everyone's immense astonishment (only a little too late because they are in the air) that the no nose guy is flying the freaking helicopter. Harrison has to beat the guy up while they're taking turns flying the helicopter, resulting in hysterics before, quite out of nowhere, Harrison pushes the guy out of the helicopter. At this point, Julia decides to ask him if he can fly a helicopter. He responds that of course he can fly a helicopter. I mean, notice how they aren't crashing right now.

Meanwhile! Oh, meanwhile. Brittany and Alex decide that she should really stop being a virgin because she's 25 and clearly he is the best choice to remedy her curiosity. But she is supposed to get engaged! To Harrison, with whom they share so many things in common, like "religion, politics, art and mutual friends" (and this is stated several times, just like this, much to my amusement). So they have sex and ponder openly to each other:

"I can't believe I'm about to ruin our lives."
"Never stop ruining my life."
"I could ruin your life forever."

That is the best, best, BEST sex talk ever, I think.

Okay, then things calm down. Harrison and Julia have their last night together, during which he's supposed to find the Arabic initials to his name in the henna designs on her body, only belatedly realizes he doesn't know how to read Arabic. She informs him that she would like a Dalmatian puppy named Herman, and then they have sex. They go to Kentucky, where they get all upset about this marriage thing and how he's supposed to propose to Brittany, who clearly is not interested in him, but they don't know that, and they part ways thinking it's over. Harrison visits Brittany, who cuts him loose by saying she's in love with this American (Alex), Harrison meets Alex and tells him Brittany is in love with an American, Alex is all "WHAT AMERICAN?!" Ha ha. Harrison is all, "um, I think she means you." Alex then rushes to Brittany and they decide to get together, no matter what her father wants for her, because Alex is sort of wealthy. Alex says that they could tell her father that he "used to kill people professionally and blow things up recreationally." Because that will surely change Brittany's dad's mind. Brittany's all, "yeah, probably not. Let's just get married." I guess they get married.

Cue Harrison! He goes back to Kentucky with a Dalmatian puppy he names Herman. Only Julia has also acquired her own Dalmatian puppy, also named Herman. They meet at her cabin at Quest (because she lives there for some reason) and ponder this serious two puppies development. They decide that they should stay married, own both puppies, live in Windsor, raise Dalmatians, plant a cherry orchard, and travel on their diplomatic passports.

THE END.

So, maybe it doesn't make much sense, but then it is part of this series that is not ever going to resolve its horse daddy issues until the very last book. I'm sure. So I loved it. If I didn't have so many horse books to read, I'd freaking read it again. Best. Horse. Romance. Novel. Ever.

Hotter. Deeper. Amazing...er.

Something to Talk About
by Joanne Rock
Thoroughbred Legacy #4
2008

Well, I'm navigating my way through the racing world through Harlequin's eyes, an experience that by now I'm starting to have second thoughts on. Like...why the hell am I reading these? Why do I continue to read them when I inevitably start skimming two thirds through? Why do I do this to myself?

But then the answer comes to me: I have a blog. And I am its willing slave.

Widowed single mom Amanda Emory wants a fresh start—far away from Los Angeles and her troubling past. All she wants out of her new job is a secure income and a safe haven for her kids. But her matchmaking nine-year-old has other ideas….

Horse trainer Robbie Preston has never shied away from risks. And the sparks between Robbie and Amanda are definitely dangerous. Yet her past—and his reputation—stand between them. It will take some serious courting to change Amanda's mind, but Robbie is up for the challenge…even if it does give everyone something to talk about!

I'm going to keep this entry short and to the point, and hopefully in doing so I won't have an enormous tantrum over this book, which I have a feeling is some horrible romance novel take on the Oedipus Complex. Yes, I did say that, and yes, I think Robbie has been working through this stage of development for all twenty-eight years of his life.

Robbie is the youngest son of the Kentucky Prestons, and he was recently passed over on the head training job by his father, who has issues with Robbie's responsibility. I guess that was the issue, anyway. I skimmed through a lot of their internal angsting, which I think is a justified action. Amanda is a forty-year-old mother of two, widowed when her cop husband was killed in a drug bust. She's moved to Kentucky to become the Quest office manager, try to keep her family safe from possible gang related revenge, and sharpen her claws for possible cougar style seduction.

Okay, maybe she's not exactly a cougar. I hate that term anyway, but I can't help using it here because what the hell is up with this trend? I cannot take it anymore. Why can't people ever be interested in other people who happen to be about the same age as they are in these books? Why are they always (always) consistently ten to twelve years younger or older or...this just pisses me off. Especially here, because at all points in this book Amanda is described as maternal and it creeped me out in a big way. She also wears skirts with tulips on the hem, and her pajamas have ducky patterns. It is so many realms of not good.

Now that I've sort of gotten that off my shoulders, let's continue. Robbie complains a lot, Amanda tells herself not to be attracted to Robbie, the two can't stop thinking about each other as per the normal requirements of a romance novel. There is some suggestion that her dead husband was not that great of a guy (which is also a necessary point because in romance novels no other man on earth can aspire to being on the same level as the male lead, right down to penis size comparisons, and no I'm not kidding, although thankfully here we limit it to skill with weapons, preparedness, and smoldering ability). Amanda's oldest kid keeps trying to push the two together, not like this is really important, but I guess it works because Amanda gives in to the tingles and lets him come on to her.

Only to step on the breaks immediately! How does she muddle through her feelings about her dead husband and Robbie and blah blah blah. Okay, step back on the gas because those ducky pajamas are a real turn on for Robbie for some reason, but no! Step on the break! It goes back and forth like this for a while before she randomly decides to step on the gas again and keep going forward at a moderate rate. They have sex. There is more sex. There is completely unnecessary talk about "young studs" which I did not need. Then the random guy that wants to take his revenge on Amanda's family shows up, hauls her oldest son out into the woods, and Robbie appears to blow the guy's foot off with a shotgun. Hooray Robbie.

Later they confess their love and decide that instead of getting engaged immediately they'd like to act like horny teenagers instead.

- According to this book, Churchill Downs is not a pretty track because there are people there who smoke and gamble. So instead of going there for the day, they go to Keeneland. Granted, I agree that Keeneland is a quaint track that is actually nicer than Churchill Downs, but it's not like people don't smoke and gamble there. It's probably because, you know, horse racing exists specifically as a form of gambling in most countries. Shocking, I know, but it's true!

- There's this horse called Something to Talk About, and I think we all know what I'm going to say, but this name is impossible. Twenty-three characters...I think not.

- Can you tell that I skimmed this one? And it still took me three days to get through. Go figure.

High Stakes, Part 2: Loins as a sexual euphemism must stop.

High Stakes
by Lisa Jackson
Published: 2008

Every so often I run into a romance novel I can't help liking, despite factors that should make it abhorrent to me on a basic level. I didn't like the first book in this two in one, so I didn't expect to find the second one any better. But, you know, it is better, even if the main character is named Tiffany (a name I just cannot take seriously). Let's get started.

DEVIL'S GAMBIT

Tiffany Rhodes's horse farm was in trouble long before she met Zane Sheridan, a breeder with a shady reputation. Yet she couldn't help but feel relieved when Zane offered to buy her out. Though Tiffany didn't trust him, she was drawn to him like a magnet. What did this mysterious man want from her...and why was he using a gambit with her heart?

This is another one published in 1984, but it's not as obvious. Tiffany is twenty-five and a widow. Zane is 36 and Irish. Thankfully, this book does not take place in Ireland, because I'm still pretty burned out on Ireland and the Irish in general. However, Zane's Irishness isn't in your face, in that no one talks about fairies for the entirety of the book. I have a feeling it's the first romance involving the Irish I've read for this blog where fairies didn't figure prominently. Yes, I am serious when I say that.

Anyhoo, Zane may not talk about fairies, but he is all hyped up on revenge. Apparently, long ago, back when he was much more trusting, Ellory Rhodes (Tiffany's dead husband) hustled him out of 200 grand. Ellory ran off and bought the Rhodes Breeding Farm with this money, leaving Zane to build himself back up the honest way so he could buy another farm in Ireland. Ellory got married to Tiffany, had some affair with this Stasia person on the side, and then died in a trailer accident that also killed the farm's Kentucky Derby hopeful, Devil's Gambit.

Since Zane is on a revenge kick, and since his original target died, he decides to act out this scenario on Tiffany. But when he gets to the farm he discovers that Tiffany is not a bitch, making his attempts to buy the farm and freak Tiffany out with his news that Devil's Gambit is not, in fact, dead, less satisfying. Add to this the farm's problems with a bunch of mares that are giving birth to dead or dying foals, and Tiffany has way more than she can handle. Zane, being Irish and a romance novel anti-hero (if that's possible?), decides to help her out with one of the foaling mares, and by the time the dead foal is born it's late and he has to spend the night. Tiffany is distraught, a perfect time for him to comfort her with sex, only this does not happen. I was confused by this development, but then I was able to rest assured when he declared he had to stay over for the night and, instead of sleeping in the guest room like he was supposed to, he pulls an Edward Cullen and decides to watch Tiffany sleep.

Of course, Zane is not a vampire with a sleep disorder, so he falls asleep in his chair and wakes up to a pissed off Tiffany. Around this point they discover their mutual attraction for each other and they have to separately muse to themselves about this astonishing, yet obviously predictable fact. Also around this point, Zane's, um, attraction to Tiffany happens to occur in his loins. This is another word that I hate. Just like the words slumber, Kevin and Steve. In this case loins pops up at least ten times. Maybe more. Loins are stirring and having conniptions all over the place, and it disturbed me greatly. I have a feeling this is because I immediately think of pork loin, and by the time I apply that word to a man and his issues I've already thought of pork and then I'm just disgusted. Sexy thoughts and loins just should not mix. Ever.

So Zane tells Tiffany his theory: that Ellory wanted to cash in on Devil's Gambit's insurance (for some reason) so he faked the crash (maybe he died, maybe he didn't) and then they shipped the horse to Ireland, where he took the place of another horse called King's Ransom and began to breed him under that horse's name. For some reason I can't remember, I admit. Maybe there was no reason. Anyway, Tiffany thinks all of this is insane, but she's got this whole foal problem to think about and then, before you know it, they're wrestling around on the floor only to stop because Zane is all "you'll hate me later" blah blah blah. Then he trots out of the house and goes on this manhunt for his ex-wife, Stasia, Ellory's girlfriend.

Are you confused yet? I almost am. Anyway, Zane comes back after discovering Stasia's hiding place. She tells him everything, including the fact that Ellory is indeed dead and that Devil's Gambit is alive and serving stud duty for this King's Ransom horse. Somehow. By this point, Tiffany has already seen Ellory's brother, Dustin, who just happens to own the farm that owns King's Ransom. Zane comes back, finally has sex with Tiffany out in the woods somewhere, and then they nearly get run over by the farm's famous stallion, who is off romping around. It comes out later that Dustin let the stallion out, and then everyone remembers that Dustin was on the farm when the mares were bred, explaining why their foals died. They presume he injected them with something or another, however that works I don't know.

Eventually it comes down to Dustin freaking out, Zane punching Dustin, Dustin being taken away, and Zane and Tiffany having their basic happy ending.

So I don't know. It held my attention, which is a plus. Zane calling Tiffany a "sweet lady" was way too much, not to mention the repeated mentions of Zane's loins was not so great. Ugh, it still creeps me out now. Then there's the suspense plotline regarding the horse, and while it might be pretty improbable, I still have to give it points for keeping me interested. And it gets points for not having the male character support and comfort the exhausted/traumatized female character with spontaneous and unsafe sex. Not to say the rest of it was safe, because rest assured it wasn't, but you know. Whatever.

High Stakes, Part 1: Even I had the incredible urge to shake Becca. I admit it.

High Stakes
by Lisa Jackson
Published: 2008

Harlequin calls this genre "contemporary suspense" and I'm not quite sure what that means, considering High Stakes is a two in one reprint of novels published in the mid-eighties. The suspense part I get, because once a gun pops up in a romance novel it's suddenly called suspense, even if the gun is never used and, in this instance, when it does pop up the main character decides he'd rather break out the whiskey than pursue the culprit. I will admit that I thought this was not only hilarious, but unusually brilliant for a romance novel.

Since this is a two in one novel, I'm going to split this up into two posts. Because I know how we all like our romance novels around here (or maybe not...whatever).

Gypsy Wind
by Lisa Jackson
Published: 1984

Passions run high in horse-racing circles, but thoroughbred breeder Becca Peters keeps a tight rein on her emotions. Except when it comes to Brig Chambers. Six years after he shattered their relationship with dangerous accusations, he's back, stirring up trouble...and undeniable heat.

I love this summary, because it's just so wrong. The book starts off with Becca Peters freaking out and dropping her coffee cup, which shatters into a gazillion pieces and gets coffee everywhere. Then she knocks all of these papers into the spilled coffee. And then she starts moaning incoherently at her quaint little black and white television. A tight rein on her emotions indeed.

Here's the deal: Jason Chambers, an oil tycoon, crashed his private plane. Becca happens to know him because he spawned Brig Chambers, the guy she used to have sex with on some sort of consistent basis. She is upset because she thinks Brig might be on the plane. There are rumors of passengers, and of course all of them are deeply bruised, possibly crispy corpses now. So Becca is having a major episode in front of her television as she ponders the possibilities of Brig's hypothetical death. Then her brother walks in and is all "hell yeah!" about it because Becca borrowed $50,000 from Jason in order to breed this filly, Gypsy Wind.

Anyway, because this is 1984, Becca has to wait until the next day so she can rush out and read the newspaper and crumple to the ground when she sees Brig's photo in the newspaper. He is alive! Now Becca can cry some more and rub herself against the newspaper, totally keeping her emotions in check as she does this. I'm sure. Because she can't contain herself any longer, Becca decides that she is going to fly to Denver and confront Brig about this $50,000 she owes his dead father, because it is so important. Maybe it's just me, but if you're the owner of a massive oil company, isn't $50,000 a paltry sum? In the long run, who really cares? But Becca cares so much that she decides she's not even going to attempt to get ahold of Brig at the company, and instead goes straight for the jugular. She actually drives out to his cabin in the woods, where I suppose she just hopes he'll be, because that was really random, actually. Of course, he's there, and he's getting drunk because of the stress, you understand.

She shows up and he immediately drags her to the bedroom, where they can immediately proceed with the sex, despite not having seen each other in six years. They also have more than enough baggage, so this is sudden. And in the middle of it all he actually wonders why his head is so fuzzy, and I think "it's probably because you drank three rather large glasses of scotch, you moron."

So they have sex and wake up the next morning to hang overs and Brig's sudden desire to "shake sense into" Becca. There's a lot of this desire to "shake" her, which I also find fascinating. Why do romance novels romanticize this sort of violence? I mean, Becca isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, clearly, but I don't think this justifies frustrated shaking. Of course, Becca keeps coming back for more. Then they drag the past up so they can stare at their baggage some more.

You see, long ago, Becca bred herself a filly. It was the most amazing filly there ever was, or ever will be, but unfortunately she's got a problem: she's sort of the shittiest filly there ever was, or ever will be. Naturally, that's a huge defect, but Becca is not going to be deterred. She's going to take this giant ass horse with legs the size and strength of tiny needles and race her into the ground! Brilliant! No, seriously. Eventually, she meets Brig because he happens to be in the racing scene. Her brother, Dean, wants to see if Brig wants to buy the horse, but when Becca discovers this she puts a halt to plans of buying Lady. Obviously at this point I wonder why they even bothered to drive the three hours to her farm from a yacht to look at this horse at two in the morning. What did you THINK he wanted to see the horse for, Becca? See, she's kind of a dim bulb. Anyway. Then they have sex. And Becca decides she's in love with him afterward, because five hours and a one night stand is all it takes to fall in love.

So they continue on in this manner for a while until the Ruffian vs. Foolish Pleasure plot rears its ugly head. Basically, Brig's colt is awesome and fantastic. Becca's filly is also awesome and fantastic, besides being genetically flawed and basically waiting to crumple to the dirt because her legs suck...you know, that's obviously going to be a problem. So someone somewhere decides a match race is in order and Lady totally fails and breaks down and they discover that she'd been given a dose of illegal steroids that would have disqualified her had she not been inherently unsound. Oh, the drama. The drama.

Back in the present, the two essentially accuse each other of drugging the horse. And then Brig discovers that Becca has gone off the deep end and petulantly bred a full sister to Lady. He's all "what the hell is wrong with you?" And she's all "I am so right and you are so wrong and you probably drugged Lady but I love you and let's have sex again." But they do not have sex. No, Brig overcomes his need to shake more sense into her so they can romp off into the meadows and hold hands and smell the woodsy sent of the woods and race through the daisies and whatever the hell that was. They arrive back at the house and have more sex. Despite basically accusing each other of all this treachery beforehand. I couldn't figure this out. It was like they had extreme short term memory loss, or something.

Anyway, they come to the end of their Colorado weekend getaway and Brig randomly wants to marry her, but she's all "we're only now beginning to trust each other and I still think you drugged my horse and I still want to race Lady's full sister despite my complete inability to think reasonably about breeding practices." And so she flies off to California and he eventually follows her and more sex happens, etc.

As we have all figured out by now, Becca's brother drugged the horse. We'll just skip to that reveal, because there was a lot of blathering that I suppose was suspenseful, but probably wasn't, about stuff that happened between then and now regarding Dean and his fooling around with some girl that resulted in a pregnancy and really...we'll move on. Dean is a gambler, and he wanted some quick cash, so he drugged Lady for Brig's (apparently evil) father. Dean then pissed that money away, and decided to take care of his sister out of guilt. Only then he's eventually arrested and the authorities actually take what he did seriously. That surprised me. So the story skips on and touches lightly on things that happen later. Brig and Becca get married, Gypsy Wind starts to race, wins the filly triple crown, and then the public starts to demand a match race. Just randomly, despite there being no other horse to really race her against, the public wants a match race...uh huh. That's likely. So the Triple Crown produced three different winners for each race, and they all race together, and predictably Gypsy sort of breaks down. Despite it only being a tendon injury, Becca totally overreacts and says "no more racing!" Just like that. Not only that, no more breeding! Maybe! (Honestly, that decision probably would have been a good one for the industry.)

So they go home and Becca thinks that maybe she won't give up the horse breeding, because now that she's married to Brig her farm is actually pretty now. But he says that maybe it's a good thing to give it up for a while, because, you see, she has to carry his children eventually and now would be the best time. Oh, Brig. Just try to refrain from shaking sense into her while she's pregnant, okay?

• After the match race between Ruffian and Foolish Pleasure, the colt's trainer's dad said "First time they threw some speed at her, and the bitch comes unbuckled." People thought that was a little, um, uncalled for, to say the least. It's also something you really remember, and I wasn't even alive in 1975. So what does Lisa Jackson do? She paraphrases: "We threw a fast pace at the bitch and she just broke down." After this, you know the next scene: fictional horse dies the Ruffian death right down to the letter.

Now comes the moment when I have to address the sex scenes. Seriously, there were a lot of them in this book, and it's not a long book, so I'll just leave that to your imagination. I can't be trusted there, as I'll start giggling and this entry will take a sharp dive. However, after the first sex scene, I started skipping straight to dialogue within the sex scene and only reading that. For instance:

"Undress me."
"I want to make love to you. I want to make love to you and never stop."
"Then do, Brig, please make love to me."
"These last few weeks have been torturous. I tried to stay away -- Lord knows, I tried, but I couldn't. You're just too damned mystifying and I can't seem to get enough of you."
"I hope you never can."
"You're beautiful. I want you."
"Then love me, Brig, love me."
"I want you, Brig. I want you more than I ever have."
"Oh God, Rebecca, I do love you."

So, if you made it through that, congratulations. I didn't even pick the scene where he randomly calls her his cherished lady, or something. Who needs to read the details when you have that?

The second part of this two in one is called Devil's Gambit. I'll be back later to deal with that one.

In my defense, I did start skimming.

Picture of Perfection
by Kristin Gabriel
Thoroughbred Legacy #3
Published: 2008

The tag line here is: "How deep does perfection go?" Well? How deep does perfection go? I would say this is somehow relevant to the plot, but it isn't. So let's move on.

Veterinarian Carter Phillips wants answers. The scandal surrounding his employer's prizewinning horse has left Carter unable to clear Quest Stables' name or his own. But then Carter spies an exquisite painting of an unknown horse that could finally lead him to the truth.

Artist Gillian Cameron knows exactly who the horse is: he's her family's Thoroughbred, Picture of Perfection. But Carter's suspicions compromise the horse's future and that of her family. She knows she can't trust Carter's agenda, so why does she find herself wanting to trust him with a mystery of her own?

This series, for some reason, continues to intrigue me. However, what I find more disturbing is my new found ability to knowledgeably compare these books to other horsey romance novels. I...never wanted that ability, needless to say. But I guess we'll roll with it, because it's necessary to say that this book is channeling Karen Robards pretty hard. In a skimpy, Harlequin way that isn't exactly fully fleshed out. As far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing. It's both hilarious and bad, but not that bad. Not Karen Robards bad.

So let's begin with our characters. Carter is Quest's vet, and is thirty-three. He's off at Del Mar for their meet, and intends to be in California for about two or three weeks. For some reason he starts off the book at an auction, where he runs into the most fantabulous painting of a horse that looks just like Leopold's Legacy, the often mentioned but never seen stallion with daddy problems. Stunned at this, Carter buys the painting, thinking that somehow this is key to discovering who the sire is of their bastardized horse. Conveniently, a meet and greet is scheduled between Carter and the artist, Gillian.

Gillian is messed up. No, really. She's off having nightmares constantly about the fire she was in when she was ten, which killed her parents and shuffled her off to her godfather, who proceeded to gamble away her entire inheritance somehow. So she's sort of poor, but not really because she has a racehorse called Picture of Perfection, which she is obsessed with and paints all the time. He is the horse in Carter's painting. So when Carter gets to the farm (called, appropriately enough, Robards) he and Gillian hit it off right before he lets her know about his theory that Picture of Perfection and Leopold's Legacy might have the same sire. Weirdly enough, Picture of Perfection's sire is listed as Apollo's Ice (no, I'm not making these names up), the same sire that was supposed to be Leopold's sire before the insanity happened, leaving everyone confused and pissed off. Gillian, using her skills of deduction, refuses to let Carter make off with some of her horse's blood and basically he's ordered off the property. Of course, this is all after they have their typical romance novel first meeting, in which they shiver and act all moonstruck and ponder about each other and why they are so interested, etc.

Oh, and Gillian is twenty-two. Of course she is. To Carter's credit, he thinks their age difference is inappropriate. This, naturally, does not stop him later. Much, anyway. Typical romance novel. It's so typical it's disturbing at this point.

Anyway, having ordered him away this does not stop Gillian from obsessing over him some more. Somehow Carter wanders back into her life the next day, or something like that, and asks her to this dance. They go to the dance and they're still all moonstruck and dopey about each other. And they kiss. Huzzah. But the kiss, you see, is too earth shattering, so Gillian slams on the breaks and demands to be taken home, where they will not have sex, thank you very much.

After this Gillian decides to do some hypnotherapy to get her brain in order about these lost memories of the fire. They angst about this a lot, at one point Gillian thinks she started the fire, then they think her godfather started the fire, and then it becomes obvious that someone else started the fire. Some blurry face she can't make out in her memories. During all of this, she's going to this local gallery, where her art is going to be displayed. The gallery owner does not apparently care that she only has paintings of horses, but eventually she starts this painting of Carter, of course, because her two passions have to be horses and this guy. There are no other passions!

Anyway, eventually Picture of Perfection goes into shock after receiving a tainted batch of bute. No one realizes this is the cause until well after the threat is over, but Carter happens to be there and gives him a shot of something or another and it works, but not before he's sent off blood work to a lab and ordered DNA tests. Oh, the scandal. He determines that he should do this because the horse might have some genetic problem, but you know he just wants to know who the daddy is. He doesn't tell Gillian about this, because that would derail her plan to sleep in the nearby stall so they can keep an eye on the horse. They sleep in the stall. Well, actually, they have sex in the stall. Apparently she's been carrying a condom around with her ever since their first kiss, which was like three days ago. Maybe less than that.

This sex scene made me giggle, I will just say that right now. Right around the point where he says, afterward, that he tried to resist her for as long as possible but had to give in when she started to lick him I burst into laughter. I mean, come on. They're practically naked and in a stall and he's still resisting and the only thing that convinces him this is a good idea is her licking him? On top of which, she was licking along the waistband of his jeans, which also earned a lot of laughter from me. Wow, sexy. Ugh.

Alright, so obviously the horse is okay and despite his going into anaphactic shock they determine he can still race in the Pacific Classic that weekend. Which is probably in two days, or something. I don't know. Anyway, then Gillian discovers that Carter ordered DNA tests and gets pissed off and tells him off and then she goes to the gallery. Where the gallery owner decides that he is insane.

Here is what happened: gallery owner painted Gillian's mom and decided they were in love. Gillian's mom was not enthused about this, so gallery owner tried to burn the house down and save her mom, only accidentally saved Gillian instead. Gallery owner changes his name and returns twelve years later so he can transfer his obsession to Gillian. They are so in love! Gillian disagrees, throws paint thinner in his eyes and tries to escape. Carter, somehow, arrives and beats up the gallery owner, who has a gun and is randomly shooting things. Then they tie up the gallery owner while people on the street ask them if they're doing performance art. That was cute, I guess.

And then Picture of Perfection wins the Pacific Classic, is actually the son of Apollo's Ice, Carter decides to leave Quest so he can become a professor at UC-Davis, and proposes to Gillian. They are so in love! The end.

• You can't name a racehorse Picture of Perfection. That's 21 characters, including spaces. The limit is 18. I am not even going to get into the vet and racing stuff Kristin is going on about, because I don't have the time or inclination to care.

• Gillian is poor, yet not. I don't understand how anyone is making any money here, especially when she has a racehorse and seems to do nothing but paint horses all day. Also, her great dream is to have a horse sanctuary at Robards Farm, which she should really think about because with a name like that it's probably likely that one of her horses is going to be violated and then brutally slaughtered at random.

• Typos. I have never seen a book with as many misspellings and typos as this one.

• I don't buy the notion that Quest is going to be banned from North American racing because one horse has pedigree problems. This is an industry where people who seriously drug their horses are merely suspended for a few months, if that. Come on, people.

So, that's really it. In the next book, the rich son of Quest gets it on with an office manager. Yay, gold digging!

Spin number two on the Harlequin round robin.

Biding Her Time
by Wendy Warren
Thoroughbred Legacy Series #2
Published: 2008

So, here's a disturbing fact about me: I anonymously badgered my local library system, of which I am a fully functioning employee (because like hell I'm putting my name on all of these requests, you know what I mean?) to buy this whole series. Badgered like you will not believe. I'm not normally like this, so I guess I'll chalk up this irrational behavior to being a blogger. And a librarian. That's a pretty tricky situation, that. Anyway, I am pleased to announce that the system purchased the whole damn series. For me. And I am freaking thrilled about this for the fact that I have more silly horsey romance novels to throw away my time on.

How did Audrey Griffin - a blacksmith by trade - become a wine hostess? Sure, she's all about "seizing the day," but she's a tomboy, not a booth bunny. Granted, her makeover has transformed her into a hottie - but when you're working with a straitlaced Aussie god like vintner Shane Preston, a little fashion goes a long way!

Unfortunately, no-strings-attached doesn't work for Shane. Something about Audrey makes him want more from their fiery attraction - despite the fact that "commitment" leaves Audrey shakier than a horse on Rollerblades. Is she balking at love or simply biding her time?

So, look, I don't enjoy this, okay? It's petty and trite and ridiculous, but I'm reading it because it's called "Thoroughbred Legacy" and therefore why would I not read it? I don't like romances because women are commonly painted as independent while they're really aching to be dominated and men are displayed as heroic and supportive when they're one step away from being abusive, if they aren't obviously being abusive. It's not sexy, okay? Unfortunately for me, most of the romances I've read for this blog fall into this category. Men dominate, women love to be dominated (because it's somehow liberating?), blah blah yell yell kiss kiss blah blah babies! It's really tiresome. Imagine my surprise when this book totally exceeded my expectations.

By saying this, of course, realize that it's still a romance novel. My expectations were pretty low. I was expecting the usual story, and instead got this hilariously weird Harlequin version of the Thoroughbred series meets Sweet November. If that makes sense. Well, let's just get to the plot.

Do we all remember Quest and the Leopold's Legacy ordeal? No? Well, Leopold's Legacy was going to win the Triple Crown, but just before the Belmont Stakes the racing industry collectively decided to start acting like the Jerry Springer Show and had a fit about the horse's paternity. So Quest had to pull the horse from the race and all hell broke loose and Quest is going through some hard times. Quest is owned by the American Prestons. As opposed to the Australian Prestons, which also exist. Okay. That all said, Audrey Griffin is Quest's blacksmith. She's a tomboy and doesn't eat properly (her idea of dinner is popcorn covered in caramel sauce, if you wanted an example) and likes jeans. There's not much feminine about her, other than she is female. Then you have Shane, one of the Australian Prestons. I feel like I should develop a family tree to explain this, but he's the nephew of the owners of Quest. He's all suave and rich and whatnot. We begin our story in a bar, while Audrey is dancing around and watching him and trying to talk herself into being daring while he gives her a look and then proceeds to ignore her. That was kind of awesome.

So Audrey is left dancing with a jockey in a chaotic and unimpressive manner while Shane talks to his cousin about wine or something because that's what they do. He may be an Australian Preston, but he was the younger son and therefore not into horses, I guess. So he's dealing with his handicapped cousin, whose parents died in a tragic tractor accident that left her paralyzed. Shane has taken over the business and is desperately looking for a way to get her back on her feet in a literal sense. Later on Audrey and Shane discover each other at Quest, resulting in hilarity while Jenna, Quest's matriarch, demands that Audrey be Shane's "booth bunny" during their wine show/tour/whatever that was. Booth bunnies are apparently the wine world's porn actresses, or something, which means that Audrey is the last person Shane needs to come with him to this wine thing. But Audrey has always wanted to travel, and Jenna's all urging her to go so she won't quit because she needs health insurance because she was a cancer victim when she was a kid and could relapse at any time. Audrey's prickly about this, refusing to talk to anyone about her cancer ordeal, especially considering she might be relapsing at that very moment. She's just refusing to think about it, preferring to just live for the moment. Shane is the very opposite of this. Planning is a turn on for him. Seriously.

Eventually they work it out so that she'll be his booth assistant. I found it sort of endearing that their first kiss happens while she's splattered caramel all over her shirt (in a non-sexy way, if caramel can be sexy, which I'm pretty sure it can't be, but still) and somehow managed to smear it all over his sleeve. They manage to not have sex immediately, waiting until after they get to New York and after she decides it's time to cut her hair for the first time since growing it back after chemo. So she pretties herself up and Shane is all wow, you're even more of a girl. Astonishing! He tries to take her out to a fantastically boring dinner, but she demands that they go to Toys R Us instead and eat vendor food. I found all of this fascinating. Then they have sex. The non-disturbing kind that couldn't be construed as rape. All very wonderful. Unfortunately here I sort of dozed off. Wine is not important to me. It's just, you know, a beverage.

Getting through these wine shows quickly, we'll just say that they happened. Good. Audrey continues to get sicker, not wanting to tell anyone about her cancer ordeal from years past, but then it gets to a point that Shane's all, "look, tell me what the hell is going on" and she still won't, so everything implodes and she decides that now is about time to go see her mom, who abandoned her after her cancer went into remission for the first time. She goes out to visit for the first time, astonishing herself into understanding that she has a choice here: be healthy or sick, loved or not. So she decides she likes her blue jeans and that she has to get over everything and go to the doctor. They do the biopsy, and just before the results are announced Shane and his cousin show up. Actually, everyone shows up, and Audrey comes clean and Shane's all yeah, I know because no one can keep your secrets, you know. And it's such a romance novel at this point, only in a good way. He wants to marry her despite her probable inability to have kids (he wanted to have four at one point, as part of his grand plan, which I found pretty damn funny), and as an engagement present he has not a ring, but a horse -- this filly that Audrey loves called Biding Her Time (hello title of the book...they're all named after the horses, I guess). I found this fitting. Then the doctor announces that she doesn't have cancer, but does have some non-fatal virus, and needs to not eat caramel for dinner anymore. It's kind of sweet. Sickeningly so.

The horse scene is less prominent in this book, which is too bad because this one is a hell of a lot better than the first book in the series. The overall plot of the series progresses a tiny bit in that everyone outside Quest decides to blame Brent Preston (the breeder and/or trainer) and the vet. That's all there.

• I like Shane. He is the first romance novel guy I have ever actually liked. And I like him mainly because people keep dirtying his clothing and he doesn't seem to care. And he doesn't act all possessive. And he's fairly laid back. And he lets Audrey take him to a Toys R Us store. And he brings his cousin ice cream and when she tells him she can't eat any because she ate too many cookies he says: "You can. Each carton comes equipped with its own miniature spoon" like this is the most amazing invention ever.
  

• The sex scene is pretty tame by Harlequin standards. It's actually pretty tame by Joanna Campbell's standards circa 1981. This I also appreciated, because there is nothing like poorly written sex. In that it is horrible.
  

• I kinda wanted Audrey to have cancer at the end, because in this instance the end was almost too sappy. I can take a fairly high level of sap and keep going, but this book's ending was definitely difficult for me to get through without rolling my eyes.

• At one point, Melanie, random Preston daughter, tells Audrey that they might have to sell Biding Her Time to someone that would put the filly into "claiming stakes." This is clearly the worst thing that can ever happen to a horse.
  

• Yes, I also liked Audrey. I liked that her first thought after screwing things up with Shane wasn't to run after him, but to fly out and meet her mom for the first time in ten years. And I like that she missed her jeans and came to her decision to choose life without having Shane present for that decision. It was weird and very non-romance novel.
  

So, I liked it. It still fell into the tired old romance novel concepts (especially the ages: Audrey is 24 and Shane is 34...that is about as romance novel as you can get), but it managed to not make me feel dirty simply by opening the book, and for that I give Wendy Warren a heartfelt thank you.

Next up, I venture back into Karen Bentley's world. By this I do not mean that I will review Ashleigh's Hope. But what else is there, you might be asking yourself. What else, indeed.

With that, Happy Halloween!