Stop Sniffing Horsehair Before Bedtime, It Gives Me Nightmares

Wildwood Stables
#1: Daring to Dream
by Suzanne Weyn
First printing: March 2010

Taylor Henry loves horses, but her single mom can't afford riding lessons, much less a horse. So when she discovers an abandoned gelding and pony, Taylor is happy just to be around them.

But the rescued animals have nowhere to go, and Taylor is running out of time to find them a good home. Could the empty old barn on Wildwood Lane be the answer? And could Taylor's wildest dream -- of a horse to call her own -- finally be coming true?

You're in luck folks. Not only do I have time to write a review, but this book is practically hot off the printing press. It's barely 2 months old! I found it, and the second book while scoping out the children's paperback shelves at the public library. And they were very (very) quick reads for me. I've read both already. They were ... interesting, to say the least. Might even tempt me into trying to find the next two if I can.

What amuses me is that these babies are so freaking new, there's not even a single review on Amazon.com for them. Maybe I ought to be the first!

So, here we go. It's horselit, really. Your standard story about an adolescent female who has this whole dream about how horses will be the center of her life. (clearly she hasn't discovered boys and sex yet, but since I was never much impressed by the human male myself, I kind of see where this dream thing comes in ... horses give you a better ride -- har har, bad joke, bad joke!) Naturally, we need to throw in adversity of some kind. And an abused horse of course -- it's kind of expected at this point. And who can't forget that bitchy popular enemy. Hate to break it to ya, honey, but if there wasn't a bitchy rival I'd start to worry. But enough yappin', let's get to trashin'. (I kid, I kid.... mostly)

Meet Taylor Henry having this totally orgasmic daydream in the middle of her history/social studies/whatever class. She's totally riding a black Arabian stallion bareback in a field. It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant! I'll even share it later on, and defy you to tell me it's not orgasmic. And then her teacher yells at her, and she (I kid you not) daydreams about falling off this magnificent horse into her chair and desk at school. Weirdo! She needs to stop sniffing Elmer's glue when they do Arts and Crafts.

Speaking of Arts and Crafts, Taylor was totally doodling a horse picture (I'm sooo guilty of this too, I draw horses on almost everything) and her teacher acts kind of impressed and asks her if that's her horse. Which is the perfect chance for her total rival, Plum Mason (who, besides Gwyneth Paltrow names their kid after a fruit?) starts up with a snarky comment which prompts some boy to make a snarky comment to her and the teacher is an ineffective loser who just lets them walk out when the bell rings except he gives Taylor an extra report on the horse being introduced to Ancient Egypt to write. And Taylor runs off because she's going to miss a bus. Oh yay, wouldn't that be fun.

On the bus, Taylor looks at a Dover Saddlery catalog (which is right about the point this book starts dating itself as freaking NEW) and drools over all the expensive stuff because Dover Saddlery's stuff is really expensive (but nice, sometimes... too bad their shipping costs are ridiculous) and talks to her best male friend, Travis Ryan, who is a total comic geek, and we are treated to a trip down Memory Lane about this old cowboy guy named Ralph Westheimer who owned a barn she took lessons at when she was 10 and only recently stopped riding because her parents broke up and her mom was single and poor. And then the bus passes Ross River Ranch where Taylor oogles the horses owns by some rich socialite and tells Travis about dressage and Thoroughbreds as if they're magical butterfly-farting creatures.

Finally the bus comes to a stop, Taylor gets off and starts walking home, but her mom's friend, Claire Black shows up and tells her she has to rescue some abandoned horse and pony in a barn, so off they go to find a horse and pony abandoned by a divorced couple over a week ago and the horse promptly tries to brain her. He's of course, freaking black (what is it about black horses, what? why can't they be a normal average bay?) This black horse tries to kill her, and we go through a whole monologue about some other abused (naturally) horse that didn't like people who wore cowboy hats because her other trainer had been a evil cruel cowboy-hat-wearer, and thus Taylor takes off her baseball cap and the horse suddenly turns into a puddle of goo who tries to eat her hair. Oh yay, you just know how this is going to turn out.

So some guy comes with a trailer, but because Ralph Westheimer got new horses, and is trying to make room for boarders (because apparently fewer kids are taking lessons because of this very real-life economy) and thus has no room, they take the horse and pony back to Claire's house, build some run-in shed out of tarp, and Taylor's mom shows up to take her home. Which of course is the perfect chance for Taylor to outright beg her mom to keep the horse named Albert and the pony named Pixie. Naturally, her mother, being poor, says no and Taylor throws a hissy fit.

This doesn't stop her from going to Claire's the next morning and freaking riding Albert bareback and without tack, and one of Claire's neighbors gets a stick up her butt and calls the police about the horses in the yard. So now they have to go somewhere or the sheriff will have to sell them at auction. And of course, auctions are bad juju. At school, Plum actually talks to Taylor because she wants Claire's phone number to get the horse, and Taylor tells many lies to avoid telling her because Plum is apparently a horse killer. (She's the rival, so she has to be bad, and she has to be so bad that it would be awful for her to own Albert.) Taylor does poorly on her report on horses and Egypt, and her teacher tells her about this old broken down abandoned stable he used to ride at.

After school, Taylor goes to beg her dad who apparently doesn't pay child support, for money and he says no dice, but he also talks about that broken down barn, and Taylor decides to go check it out. It's a dump, totally dead rotted old dump, but she figures a stall is a stall, and goes to get Albert and Trixie and bring them there in the dark. And when she gets there, someone shines a light in her face because apparently the place isn't deserted after all. The person is Mrs. LeFluer and she just apparently became the owner of the place even through that rich socialite chick, Mrs. Ross was trying to buy it. Taylor convinces Mrs. LeFluer to open up the barn again, Claire and Taylor's mom show up, and Claire decides that because Albert and Pixie's old owners are giving her ownership papers, she'll just give them to Taylor. So hoo rah, Taylor has a horse even though she's dead broke and can't work because she's only 13. Except maybe Mr.s LeFluer can use them or something, in exchange for board. Yay, everyone's happy.

So Wildwood Stables gets all fixed up and jazz, Mrs. LeFluer is burning through her bank account like wildfire, a girl named Daphne Chang is the "riding instructor", some chick named Mercedes Gonzalez shows up and is the Junior Barn Manager and she proceeds to be a bitch to Taylor who doesn't tell her that Albert doesn't like people with baseball caps (so freaking juvenile) and then they finally make up and traa la la la. They try and use Albert to give a riding lesson, but he only wants Taylor to ride him. Plum's mother calls Mrs. LeFluer and tries to lease Albert. Travis shows up with tools. Yeah, and then they have to fix up the old stables and stuff. And that's probably the second book right there. So, eh, to be continued.

Random Quotes:

Taylor Henry rode bareback across the cornflower-strewn field of tall grass on a glistening Arabian stallion. Clutching the creature's glossy black mane, she leaned forward, gripping with her knees and thigh muscles, in a smooth rhythm with the ebony horse beneath her. (orgasmic, I tell you, orgasmic!)

Random Thoughts:

• I hate the people names in this book. They suck. I mean, Taylor Henry. Travis Ryan? Jake Richards. All sucky boring painful names. Don't even get me started on Plum Mason. No, just no.
• Daphne's horse, Mandy, is "mostly a barb with a little quarter horse blood in her too" -- uh huh. That doesn't make a lick of sense once I got to the second book. But that's for the second book.

So there we have it. Standard fare for your average teenage-level horse book. Brand spanking new series. Oh bully!

A Star Discovered Is Totally Being Cliche Put Him Back

Lucky Foot Stable #3: A Star Discovered

JoAnn S. Dawson

2008

LIFE AT LUCKY Foot Stable has settled into a comfortable routine for epic friends Mary and Jody and all their horses, especially as they are working hard to train Star for his very first horse show.

But a menacing threat from a mysterious stranger may destroy their perfect world, unless Willie can save the day.

Hey folks. Apparently my last book review was back in July of 2008. I’ve either been slacking off here, or my life has been crazy insane. I’m working full time (gotta pay for that pony after all!) and riding every day that I can to get the golden boy in shape for this summer’s trail riding. Also, I’m hoping to try a Competitive Trail Ride this year, if I can. So it’s understandable that I haven’t written a review in a dog’s age.

But I picked up this book at the library – I needed a quick read or I was gonna go nuts on the bus. Postal, people, postal! And it’s singularly horrifying, and really deserves a good lambasting. So here it is, my first review in a dog’s age.

This is book 3 in a series, so I’m probably starting off on the wrong foot by totally skipping the first two books, which were not on the juvenile fiction paperback shelf, but honestly, given how this book seems willing to rehash everything that happened previously. So it’s not much of a loss.

Anyway, there’s this dairy farm, and there’s this old farmhand guy named Willie who is apparently really really pissed off that his boss is hiring someone else to do all the heavy work because Willie should be able to work himself into an early grave, damn it. But to make matters worse, there’s these two girls who board their horses at the farm, and they’re being whiny little babies about how this yearling colt named Star won’t square up for some halter show that’s 2 months down the road. So Old Willie growls at them, and stomps off to leave Mary and Jody flabbergasted before they see a dog and their yearling playing with a riding crop and see a beat-up old pickup truck with like junk and shit on it (just think Great Depression Era, folks) pull up, and Willie yells at them some more.

So Mary and Jody go see the dairy farmer’s wife, and she gives them HOT tea (gee, this lady doesn’t know weather, huh?) and starts talking about how Willie is old and stuff so he’s getting some help, and why don’t they ask Willie to help them with Star. And blah blah blah.

And there’s this other girl named Annie, and she’s sort of migrant-worker-trailer-trash, but she charms Mary’s horse, Gypsy and walks out of the stable which sort of puts a damper on Jody and Mary’s mood so they work with Star, and get into a tugging war with him when Willie shows up and lectures them.

And then fast forward like 2 months here, because they’re trying to load Star, and Willie helps them load him into the back of a pickup truck (I know of a guy who hauls a horse in a pickup) and they feed Star some grain because horses are happy eating and know they get good things in trailers. But Jody is a dumbass and the two girls take the back off the pickup without, you know, putting the freaking lead rope on and the colt gets away and runs off, and Annie catches him and walks him around with a dog leash of all things. Jody and Mary think Star needs grass, so they tie him up to a fucking harrow (I nearly shat my pants at this point … who the fuck are these moron girls?) and Mary thinks they can leave him there overnight. So is it any surprise that the poor pony gets himself wrapped up in the stupid rope and falls down? NO SHIT SHERLOCK! God, and to think they left him eating grass. Like Willie said, they were damn lucky he didn’t founder. So luckily, Star is ok and stuff, and then Willie says they need to pull his mane. And from Jody’s reaction you’d think he was telling her to kick a puppy dog. Stupid girl.

So the colt gets a bath, and they take him to this show and Jody has to mention that the colt’s name is Star of Wonder and he’s foaled on Christmas Eve (Of course he issss) and how they don’t know his sire. And he gets third place. But oh look, there’s a glaring man looking mysterious. And he comes over and starts playing 20 Questions with Willie. And Star wins his next class. Bully for him. And the mysterious man is even more angry and mysterious.

As it turns out, the mysterious man has every right to be angry. We’re told that the two girls, Mary and Jody, took Lady, one of their ponies, to a show and she got knocked up by this stallion and they decided to keep super hush-hush about it. And it’s an expensive champion stallion, and Mr. Mysterious wants his freaking stud fee. Of course, naturally, to two crying little tweenie girls like Jody and Mary, he’s a “horrible” man, but Willie does set their parents straight that he’s not horrible; he just wants to like, be paid for the fact that his stallion’s sperm made Star. But at least Mr. Mysterious is decent enough to let them maybe pay for the stud fee.

But this story’s starting to bore me at this point, because the next day the girls all feel sorry for themselves and Mrs. McMurry, the dairy farmer’s wife says they can earn money by helping prep dead chickens (Only these girls are like city slickers because they think they’re putting clothes on the birds) and Jimmy, Annie’s brother basically calls their shit so now Jody and Mary both grow a pair and pluck feathers off dead birds even though they were going to be sick. And then the next day some guy from a movie set shows up, and there’s going to be a movie, and it turns out Willie was this head wrangler-stunt-guy and they want him to be in charge and somehow Mary and Jody get to be extras in the movie. And Willie is a generous guy and says he’ll pay the stud fee, and everyone lives happily ever after, the end.

This book made me see red, really. It’s so damn cliché and shit. And the stupidity of Jody and Mary made me want to throttle them. But I guess it’s like a review or something. Maybe a review that people ought to stay away. For something that claims to be part of an award-winning series, it’s pretty lame. Maybe 2008 was a shitty year in publishing.

Yet Another Star-Studded Story

Star of Shadowbrook Farm
By Joanna Campbell
Published: August 1992
Republished as Ashleigh's Thoroughbred Collection: May 1998

Alas, the public library system has failed me. Well, not really. It's just that some requested books are still in transit, so it might be a few more days yet before I receive them. I was doing some non-horsey (even though technically the book has horses in it) extra-curricular reading, but while reading Zorro: A Novel by Isabel Allende, I just caught a pretty strong whiff of the ripe smell of Mary Sue. As it turns out, there's a girl character in the book named Isabel. And I'm gathering that as I progress farther into the novel, she's going to know exactly who Zorro is and is going to use a sword herself, and likely ride by his side to help him fight Eeeeeevil! HA! Don't get me wrong, I adore the story of Zorro -- I'm a California girl, he's like our version of Batman and Robin Hood all rolled up into one -- but I think for the sake of my sanity, I needed to take a very quick respite from the toils of Zorro: A Novel, and do a book review.

I have a confession to make. Are you ready to hear it? Really ready? Well, here goes... I am a lazy ass. I repeat, I am a lazy ass. Instead of making myself do a tough 5 or so minutes of scanning the cover of the copy that I have, did a quick Google search, found that monstrosity, and called it a day. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful cover, or it would be, were it not for the fucking huge monstrosity that reads: ASHLEIGH'S THOROUGHBRED COLLECTION. Just clutters the whole thing up. That aside, I'm muchly glad that my copy is from the first printing six years prior to this, and therefore doesn't look like a butt-ugly eyesore. I always liked the balance of color and motion on the page; although I've always wondered where they are, since there's so much space behind them, it's too large for a stall.

Can Susan ever ride again?

Susan has fallen off her horses before. After all, she's been riding since she was young. But this last spill was different. Susan only broke her wrist, but she knows it could have been a lot worse for her or the horse. And it was her own fault. Now, just thinking about riding terrifies her.

Then Evening Star comes to the horse farm where Susan lives. Star's elegant gait and graceful stride show he could become a champion jumper. But he was mistreated by his former owner, and as a result he trust no one in the stable except Susan. Susan knows that only she can make Star a winner, but she also knows that she isn't ready to ride again...

Here we go! The timeless classic tale of a horse-crazy girl who gets badly rattled by a traumatic fall, and it takes a very special horse to help get her back in the saddle. And of course, that horse was mistreated by his past (and I'll raise the ante because you just know he was whipped!) and she has to help him so he can help her. Bully!

So our story begins with Susan walking into the Shadowbrook Farm stable office to collect her hard hat so she can go teach an intermediate jump class. We're then treated to a whole internal monologue about how Susan hates teaching this class because of this totally popular little bitch named Tara Pendleton, who is, I suppose your usual arch-nemesis the likes of Diana Carruthers, and Veronica DiAngelo (y'know, popular, pretty, rich -- maybe -- all the stuff that our valient heroines are not) and how different Susan feels from her because Tara is being treated like a sex object by the boys in their class, and yadda, yadda, blah blah. So off Susan goes to her lesson, maliciously hoping that Tara has caught Dengue Fever or Syphilis, but sucks to be her because Miss Pretty Bitch is just fine.

Now, this always was a perplexing issue for me, but the majority of the students in Susan's intermediate jumping class are all in their teens, thereabouts. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but most teenagers seem to be of the rather competitive nature. To be taught how to jump by a girl the same age as them must really be irritating, yet apparently nobody (not even Tara the Queen Bitch if you're you believe Susan) has possibly whined to any parents who then flip out about a teenager teaching their Pwecious! I mean, yeah, obviously Susan has to help teach lessons, but can't she I dunno, take on leadliners or something? Little short stirrup up/downers. Someone to whom your average 7 year-old can look up to, instead of potentially raising the ire of parents who pay all this money for their kid's riding lessons only to have a girl their own age teaching them. Also, Joanna described Susan's students as having "been jumping for several months" which means they've probably just graduated out of doing trot poles, and threfore shouldn't be considered "intermediate" jumpers. But it's a minor quibble I suppose.

Anyway, Susan rides a green horse named Jocko in her riding lesson. The hell, what is this, karmic retribution or something? Remember the exercise rider in Wonder's Promise? What'd he do, die and be reincarnated as a horse? Now, I've never really seen an instructor in the saddle while on a horse, particularly in a group lesson, and most especially while jumping. I mean, what if some student of hers clips a rail and brings it down? There's a pretty damn obvious reason why instructors are usually ground-bound, which ought to be a no-brainer. But clearly, this reasoning fails Susan, and during the midst of teaching, Tara takes over with her !witty commentary, and this sends Susan into a towering rage that she screams at Tara to "Butt out!" (And this is why 14 year old children should not teach other 14 year old children to ride) and proceeds to demonstrate to the class how incompetent she is jumping a green horse.

Thus Susan breaks her wrist when Jocko goes ape-shit and throws himself head-on at the ring fence. There is much pain, and humiliation when Tara takes charge, and Susan practically wants to die on the spot. And there's much humiliation to follow when Tara manages to get Jocko around the jump course a week later. Susan just about has apoplexy, and bolts for the woods, whereupon she stumbles across a water jump on the rich neighbor's property just in time to see the rich snotty teenage neighbor ride a big gray horse up to the jump. Except the gray horse refuses, and naturally the rider does what she's supposed to do -- give the horse a smack with the crop. He refuses again! So Maxine (the teenage rich snob) smacks him again. Rinse, recycle, repeat. She's just gonna keep flogging him all day (clearly we're treated to Joanna Campbell's personal crusade against horse abuse and whips) because she is Evil and Bad, and therefore pre-disposed to horse abuse because we're supposed to hate her. So finally wearing out her crop leather, Maxine gets the horse over the water jump, and off they go.


A few days later, Susan manages to make it to school, Tara puts on a Fake Sweet Bitch act and humiliates Susan some more in front of her classmates. Susan does this withdrawing act, and just basically shuts down until she gets home where she finds her dad bought the big gray horse that she'd seen Maxine riding. He's four years old, and is a Thoroughbred named Evening Star. And at some point, he jumps out of the pasture, and goes tearing off into the woods where Susan chases after him, and they come across a girl named Whitney Duncan. She catches Star, they take him back to her place and call Susan's parents. And the two girls talk and make friends, and it's all cool and that jazz. So Susan's dad suggests that Susan groom the horse because Star practically wants to crawl in her pocket.

So Susan takes Whitney to school, and Whitney blows off Tara, and hangs with Susan, and gets the whole story of the accident from both Tara and Susan. Susan grooms Evening Star, and fusses over him while Tara goes on and on about how she's going to buy a horse. And then one night, Susan's father tells her that Tara wants to buy Star, so Susan vows not over her dead body, and goes on the horse. It's instant love match, oh yay! And Susan finds out how to help condition Star properly. And it works, and she rides him, and oh yay some more. Tara keep on bragging and bragging about how much Evening Star gives her a hard on even though she hasn't ridden him yet (and that just makes me giggle madly) and when Tara sees Susan on Evening Star, she flips out like ninja and Susan finally manages to find the cajones to stand up to her. Hurrah for Susan!

And with Evil Tara's plans for riding Evening Star like an 1888 Whitechapel whore foiled (because clearly Tara owning Evening Star would be the kiss of death) Susan and Whitney can now begin to focus on their eventing careers. Tara of course, sulks around for a bit, and then gets a hard on for a new horse named Dickens. Whitney cleans out her closet and loads Susan down with clothes, and cuts Susan's hair, and Susan goes to school where everyone practically shits their pants because "Whoa, Susan is like Not a Freak!" and then Whitney bullies Susan into going to the Christmas dance where they actually get Susan to dance with members of the opposite sex. Brilliant!

So along comes Christmas Day, and it snows. So Susan, her parents, and older brother of course hitch a horse up to a sleigh and drive off to the Duncans' home, and then it's back home for Christmas treats for the horses (something that Joanna apparently really likes being as it's appeared in several books by now) and Susan gets a entire new wardrobe of show clothes from her parents. And then after Christmas, Susan teaches a beginner class again, and there's general trashing of how Tara is riding her horse like an 1888 Whitechapel whore, and they talk about her behind her back. Susan manages to jump fences again thanks to Star, and then Whitney invites Susan to some show at Madison Square Gardens.

So off to New York, New York the two girls go, and they meet this cute boy named Ronny who totally loves eventing. So he and Susan chat it up. Some time passes, Susan and Star turn into a team, and then comes the moment when Susan falls off Star doing gymnastics, and she freaks, but one of the assistant trainers on the farm makes her get back in the saddle. Crisis averted. Then the weather turns, and spring arrives and so Susan and Whitney go out on the cross-country course, and return to see Tara throwing a temper tantrum about wanting to go out there too. Whatever!

Eventually, Susan, Whitney and even Pretty Bitch Tara go to a horse show. Tara apprently has a huge case of the "butterflies in the stomach" because she tacks her horse up way early and starts warming him up. Whitney and Susan go off to change and Susan is horrified that she has to strip off her clothes in front of other women (honey, you 'aint got anything those ladies haven't already seen) and as they're warming up, Maxine walks over to confront Susan. Evening Star practically shits his pants thinks he's going to be flogged again. They wait for their rounds in jumping, and Tara has to ride first. She goes clean until the last fence when Dickens pulls the rail, thereby giving our Dynamic Duo the opportunity to discuss her FenceFail. But that's fine because Whitney fucks it up even more and gets two faults. Which leaves it all up to Susan to go clean and win the damn class. Bully! But not before having a near meltdown, and begging her horse to help her, which of course, he does.

Susan and Whitney aim for the Winter Horse trials, and Tara gets a case of sour grapes and bad mouths Susan all over school. And then it's time for the Winter horse Trials, and so far, Susan is ahead after a clean run in cross-country and show jumping. She runs into Ronny again, and goes gaga over him. Susan gets second in her event, and Whitney wins hers. And then three weeks later, Susan and Star win, and the whole family starts thinking they ought to enter Star in Groton Horse Trials, which I always thought was a bit much to expect of a five-year-old horse.

Moving along, our Dynamic Duo lurk around the tack store where they see Tara trying on $300 dress boots, and they talk about her behind her back. But this is clearly OK because they are the Good Girls and Tara's just the Bitch. And thus, as Susan is schooling her horse over the cross-country course, he spooks, throws her and she probably fucks her wrist up again. Ooops. Well, turns out Ms. Maxine was on the other side of the fence screaming hysterically and going postal at her horse, so Star shat his pants again. Anyway, Susan sprains her wrist and can't ride for a month. But clearly something must be done because Groton is coming up.

However! In what shall become a very familiar plot to readers of the Annoying Riding Princess Death Match, Susan proposes that Whitney ride Evening Star at Groton. Or at least ride Star and keep him in training for the month that Susan can't ride. Whitney finally caves in to her bestest friend, and sets to work. Of course, before all this happens, Tara has to gloat to Susan at school about missing any upcoming shows. But naturally, she just happens to be at the stable to see Whitney riding Star, so she has another freak out attack.

School ends, and Susan and Whitney go with their class to some park along the Housatonic River where they go canoing, and Whitney stands up in the canoe, and they tip over. Hooray, wet girls! And Tara just happens to be right there to point and laugh. But at last, they get to Groton, and they settle the horses in. Maxine apparently must have some superior power of telepathy because she waits until Susan, Whitney and their parents are all busy the next morning before going to Tara and asking her if she could take a look at Star. This of course is part of her devious plan to psych out the competition (more than likely completely destroy) because it's something worthy of Brad Townsend's awesomeness. In doing so, Maxine manages to make Star shit his hooves, and whimper like a fucking pussy just by standing in the stall (unless of course she managed to flog him with a whip while Tara's back was turned.)

This of course makes Star a nervous wreck, and he bites Whitney and she cries like a baby, and begs Susan to ride Star instead. Which Susan does, even though she hasn't ridden a horse in a month. And since Joanna already established the fact that Susan and Whitney wear the same size back when Whitney gave Susan all those clothes, they have an easy way of getting riding gear for Susan. And while waiting for her dressage test, Susan swears to Star that she'll pull a Cindy and sleep in his stall to protect him. Which either happens or it doesn't because we time travel to the following day where Susan does well, and they tie with Maxine for first place. Ronny shows up again, and chats with Susan a bit before they go back to the motel, and Susan's wrist is hurting like hell. Whitney feels bad, of course, and gets ice.

The next morning, it's time for the show jumping round, and Susan and Star get a clean round, and then Maxine's horse pulls the very last rail, which means Susan wins Groton for her division, and then passes out cold in front of her parents. And we all live happily ever after.

Points of Interest:

• Susan's father is named Mitch. Naturally this makes me giggle like a maniac because the only Mitch I can associate with the name is my golden boy.

• Double You Tee Eff! Whitney's parents have a BMW and a Jeep Cherokee. Seriously, does Joanna Campbell have stock in Jeep or something?

So anyway, I think I'm finally ready to venture back into the adventures of that masked horseman known as Zorro now. I'll likely regret it though if the Mary Sue-ism gets worse. I heard that the author was supposed to be so good, but between the Sue senorita and the telepathic connection between Diego and Bernardo (I fucking kid you not) it's a bit much to expect. Ah well, c'est la vie!

Look Out Everyone! Olympic-sized Dreams Coming Through!

High Hurdles #1: Olympic Dreams
By Lauraine Snelling
Publish Date: 1995

As per Sundae's request, I'm going to be tackling The Golden Filly and High Hurdles series by Lauraine Snelling. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do so since all I had was book #1 of The Golden Filly lot, but since I've discovered that our inter-library loan for the TriCounties does have the books at branch libraries, I've gone ahead and put some on request. Only doing two at a time though because of the loan thing, and how it works (and because they'd think I'd have to pay $25 to replace the effing thing if it gets lost -- it's happened before, true story, and I managed to get out of it by the skin of my teeth because someone realized that "Hey, she checked it in, and it got lost on the way back!" So anyway, I'm just trying to cover my ass, mmkay, and keep the loan books down to a minimum.

Luckily, my local library already had High Hurdles #1 on the shelves so I snagged it today. Now, these books are written by Lauraine Snelling. Who, as I understand it, is quite religious. She looks a bit like Mrs Doubtfire, only with blonder hair, and a bit stouter figure. She's also been quoted in her FAQs as saying that Christian writers have a special gift because of the Holy Spirit, and blah blah blah .. something more meaningful.. yadda yadda. (I guess that means atheist writers are just shit out of luck or something.) I think The Golden Filly series is really a lot more about God and religion than High Hurdles seems to be. High Hurdles is more about relationships, since the only really churchy person I can think of in the books is DJ's grandmother, whereas Tricia spends half her time in The Race having a 'Come to Jesus' moment. My gut feeling is, because the High Hurdles books were written a number of years after The Race, Lauraine decided to focus more on DJ's relationships with her friends and family rather than making the Christian thing point and center.

Thirteen-year old DJ Randall wants nothing more than to compete as a show jumper in the Olympics. After years of riding and working with horses, she’s ready to start contending. Only once obstacle stands in her way—she doesn’t have a horse!

Together with her best friend, Amy Yamamoto, DJ puts her plan for earning horse money into action. But just when it seems as if buying a horse is a real possibility, everything goes wrong. DJ’s grandmother, who has always lived with DJ and her fast-track mother, announces she is moving out.

Horrified at the prospect of living alone with a mother who doesn’t understand her dreams, DJ fights to prevent the move. Without Gran’s support, DJ may never realize her Olympic ambitions!

All DJ needs is a chance…

Look, look right there at the synposis. I mean, wow... there's not even any mention of any Higher Power (namely God) anywhere in the entire thing. It's almost like The Race couldn't wait to throw out any messages from the Divine, but Olympic Dreams focuses instead on the tale of DJ's woefully inadequate life because she doesn't have a horse, and can't be in the Olympics then. Look, DJ honey, I don't know if anyone's told you, but you're probably better off getting a rich sugar daddy sponsor and doing what 3/4ths of the Olympic equestrian teams do and ride someone else's horse.

Nonetheless, we must begin our story with DJ's dream. To ride in the freaking Olympic games, whoohoo! DJ (Darla Jean -- I can see why she has a nickname) is sitting in her room, oogling a poster of a jumping horse. It's her dream to be the rider on that horse, and she's thirteen years old, with a birthday coming up. And as it turns out, she's gotten distracted by the poster because she leaves her best friend, Amy Yamamoto, waiting downstairs for quite some time -- and she's got a lesson to teach in a half hour. Yikes! The girls have to fly! Well, bike really really fast anyway. But that doesn't stop them from talking about how much DJ wants her a horse of her own. The thing I really have to admire about DJ is that she says straight up that her mother can't afford lessons, but instead of being one of those spoiled whiny little asshat kids (like say, Nickie the Whiny Baby) who throw shitfits about not getting riding lessons, DJ goes out and trades work for lessons at Briones Riding Academy all on her own. She just comes across as more self-sufficient compared to other adolescents in most horse books, and as such, her whinging about how she doesn't have a horse of her own can mostly be forgiven. So once they arrive at the Academy, DJ goes for some lovin with her favorite horse, a sorrel gelding named Diablo. See, Diablo has these owners -- yeah, the absentee kind who seem fully willing to pour hundreds of dollars into care for an animal but never seem to show up and get on its back. Sheesh, people, just buy Breyer models or something!

DJ has a group of beginner riders; two little girls, plus one that has asthma, so she misses the lesson that day. And they're only a few years younger than her -- it just rubs salt into the wound that they have their own horses. But nonetheless, DJ bucks her chin up, and buckles down for a snazzy good lesson with Diablo, the Appendix Quarter Horse Wonder. And it just gets better because DJ wants to learn how to jump, and Bridget, the barn manager/trainer/owner-whatever says she's only been waiting for DJ to ask, and offers to let her ride some old jumper. And then James, Mr. Spoiled Rich Kid with the Super Pretty Arabian Filly shows up, and DJ has some bad thoughts about him -- mainly along the lines that he's a stuck up little prick who needs to be strangled and buried in a hole.

And then it's off for home after cleaning the tack, and DJ solicits her grandmother for money for the entry fees. DJ's grandmother is really how I see my grandparents; loving, caring wonderful people who care deeply for their grandchildren. That they happen to be fervently religious is just a facet of who they are, and they don't push their beliefs off on their grandkids (it's like they understand my inability to sit still in a church and so are more than willing to let me stay home when we go visit them.) Anyway, DJ's Gran is just like that. She gives DJ the money she needs, and DJ skips off to her room to draw pictures of horses, happy as a lark.

But her world trembles the next day as she arrives at the Academy and finds Diablo's stall gate open, and the stall empty. Oh noes! Luckily, she runs into Bridget's office and before she can work up a really good cry, Bridget tells her that Diablo's owners came and took him away, post haste because they were moving. Of course, Bridget's not too happy about it herself since she didn't get her 30 days notice, but she gives DJ an envelop from the owners. Inside is $100 which while not loads of cash, is certainly enough to help DJ towards her horse fund. Come to think of it, if only DJ was looking for a horse 13 years after 1995, she'd probably have enough right there to buy at least half of one, if not more, considering the horse market these days. And i really have to hand it to her, she's pretty emotionally bummed out about Diablo being gone, but she gets her act together, and gets ready for her jumping lesson.

And amazingly, she doesn't turn into a star jumper in just one lesson; she miscounts strides, she gets left behind, she uses too much leg, but hey, she gets her act together and rides a decent fence which is enough to satisfy her trainer. And then she gets to work c leaning stalls before going home. Right when her mother gets home, and practically runs over her bike. Ooops. But, Lindy has the grace to apologize, and DJ gets to pour her pity parade out to her mother about Diablo moving away. Of course, it's just not enough to make her mother actually go out and buy a horse, sure she sympathizes, but hey, what's she gonna do. So things get a little heated between DJ and her mom, and Lindy actually flounces out of the room in a huff. And DJ of course has to inadvertently eavesdrop on her mother and grandmother talking about her, but then it gets too quiet, so she wanders back to her room.

I'm giving DJ some more credit, but she does try to make the next morning a better day. I know she probably thinks life is pretty crappy, but she throws herself into a nice hour long lesson, and even comes up with this idea of pony rides at birthday parties as a way of making money. What she and Amy will do is borrow a pony from the stables, lead them around, and Amy could take pictures of them. What a plan! They'll be rolling in dough before you know it! In the mean time, DJ's birthday arrives, and there's a birthday party for her in the tack room, and she sees candles, and something in her brain snaps and she remembers a terrible fire she experienced as a little kid. Yeah, apparently flames are a no-go for this kid, she's go primal or something. And DJ's mom shows she's not that big of a grouch because she and Gran buy DJ a nice show outfit for her birthday. But of course, Lindy drops a hint that she's trying to get her mother matched up with a policeman. Which makes DJ uneasy for some reason.

Moving along, DJ, Amy and DJ's students go for a trail ride in Briones State Park. Now, I did some looking, and couldn't find a Briones State Park, but I found a Briones Regional Park and the place sounds positively gorgeous. Someday, when I have a trailer, I think Mitch and I will take a ride up there. It's around his old stomping grounds, when he used to be a carriage horse for Fancy Ferriage. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't pulled a wedding carriage in the area. DJ amuses me in that she has a beesting kit in her saddle bags. After I was stung 30 times on a horse camping trip last summer, I took to carrying an EpiPen just in case. Also, DJ reminds me of me; toting around an emergency kit and all. Only, I keep my stuff in a fanny pack on me. Just in case. Thus, everyone has a nice ride, and everyone is happy.

There's a horse show a few days later, and DJ runs around helping people while feeling just a little bit sorry for herself that she doesn't have a horse to ride. Gray Bar, Jame's gray Arabian filly, goes batshit loading (thank you Jeebsus that my horse is an easy loader!) and thus she goes batshit again in the ring, and James is a prick and blames DJ for it. Asshole! DJ keeps herself busy and thus doesn't actually miss riding in the show as much as the thought.

And the next day, DAj and Amy have the first of their pony birthday parties. Unfortunately, they don't become instant millionaires overnight, and it's hardly a rousing success because a little boy tries to feed Bandit a pink flower, a little girl goes postal about wearing the cowboy hat and the pony takes a shit in the driveway. And just when they're about to clean up the manure, the mother of the birthday child shows up and announces cake and ice cream, which starts the mad rush for the house. And get this, three -- not just one -- three children step squish squish into horseshit and run into a house with white carpet. Mother freaks. Yeah, well, listen lady, you have a child, white carpets should have been the least of your concern. Luckily for Amy and DJ, they still get paid, and it's time to bring Bandit home so DJ can hustle her butt back to her house for the dinner with the copper. Who turns out not to be too bad for an old guy. And the best part is, he's got a horse. A horse named Major. But then what turns out to be bad about him is that Gran seems to really really and I mean really like him. Doh!

this really peeves DJ off. I mean, how dare her widowed grandmother who has spent the last decade caring for her, fall head over heels in love with a man. It's positively obscene! And it gets worse the next day because they're already going out on dates even though they've only met each other a few hours earlier. And DJ gets accused of stealing a bridle and a saddle, so she flips out like ninja. The pony party seems to go better this time, and the girls even get lemonade. And when DJ gets home, she finds out her grandmother clearly is so lovesick, she doesn't even pay attention when DJ says she slapped some little kid upside the head. Clearly, Gran is coming down with the LoveBug Fever and doesn't give a shit about anything else. Crikey!

DJ evenbtually runs into James. Turns out, he's the one that said she stole the tack. So she threatens to cut the bitch. Unfortunately, Bridget finds them in a stall, and puts both of them on probation. This doesn't help DJ much because she's already had a fight with her mom that was probably nearly homicidal, and her grandmother keeps dating the policeman. DJ goes home, sulks, and finally has a Come to Jesus moment, which is the first time it's happened (and it's page 101) which is a vastly different scenario to Tricia who can't seem to stop her prayerfests long enough to take a breath. And she goes to bed feeling sorry for herself.

Things just don't get better the next day because Meg comes up lame, so she can't have her jumping lesson, and their pony parties all get canceled because of chicken pox. And DJ has to go to a barbecue at Joe the Policeman's house, where she meets his kids and grandkids. And then holy shit, but Gran just about shatters her world because Joe has a big announcement to make ... that he and Gran are gonna tie the knot. NOOOOO! Say it isn't soooooo! DJ is so heartbroken by this, she up and leaves the party, forcing her mother to come chasing after her in the car. DJ's mom lays the smackdown on her, no teaching lessons and no riding for pleasure for two whole weeks. But DJ still has to go to her job and clean tack and muck stalls. And Gran and Joe call the wedding off, which serves to infuriate Lindy. Well, shit!

DJ feels like shit, and so she wakes up in the middle of the night and contemplates runningoff with her life saving of $382. But before she can do that, she has to go to work at the Academy. She workrides a new horse named Patches and leaves Bridget a note. She then goes and gets all her money out of the bank, and prepares to run off. But before she leaves entirely, she goes back to the Academy to say goodbye to some horses and runs into James. James' life isn't hunky-dory either, sure his parents are rich, but his mom's an absentee mother and his dad is a drunkard. And they want to ship him off to military school because Daddy Dear thinks James needs "discipline" so he's pretty bummed about that because he can't see his horse. And worse, his father's going to sell her! Oh noes! And James finally confesses that he's just jealous of DJ and he hid the saddle, and all that shit. Well, at least they seem to be friends now.

DJ goes home, and her mother finds her with a sleeping bag and a backpack full of her world goods. Oh great, she's gonna get the smackdown now. But yeah, anyway, Gran's still going to marry Joe, and they're buying a house right near the Academy. Bridget grounds DJ from riding period for a month, but says she'll give her plenty of other work. James tells DJ they're not selling Gray Bar, but that she's going with him to the military school. DJ goes to the wedding and afterwards Joe tells DJ that since he's retiring, the horse he rides on patrol is also retiring, and that he'll sell him to DJ for $400 so she'll finally have her own horse. Hooray!

I don't think there's a lot of points of interest for this book. At least, I didn't pick up anything while reading that seemed particularly noteworthy.

So, that was Book #1 of the High Hurdles series. Like I said before, the God thing really got toned down from the Golden Filly series. Don't get me wrong, it's still there, but not so in your face preachy-like. DJ only prays to go maybe twice, and both times they come pretty late in the book. Earlier I compared Gran to my own religious grandparents, and she seems to always be reading a Bible, but she doesn't stand there preaching at anyone. Even when her own daughter starts screeching that she doesn't want to be preached at, Gran didn't come across as a religious fanatic or anything like that. I think it added it's share of layers to the relationships in the book, and really, it was an enjoyable read without coming across as some kind of Christian doctrine in disguise. Book #2 is on request, so hopefully I'll get that within a day or two. But for right now, I think I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I requested some other books from the library, and get some non-horsey reading in.

Time for a Little Cross-Dressing Fun So She Can Race Her Dreams

To Race A Dream
By Deborah Savage
Published 1994

So believe it or not, this isn’t a book from my childhood, and although its publishing date roughly fits the time when I was deeply engrossed in the Saddle Club world and enjoying Thoroughbred dreams, I never read this one. Maybe it’s because I never knew it existed, at least not until now. A few weeks ago, I was at the public library for the first time in a dog’s age. And stumbled across this book on the spinning rack of paperbacks, and figured “What the hell.” Before I begin though, I really have to inform readers of this blog that this book was written by some chick who was like the great-granddaughter of M.W. Savage – so it’s no wonder that Mr. Savage amounts pretty much to Godhood here. Granted, he might have been a very generous person, and I suppose his descendants would have known about him best, but holy shit, the man can literally do no wrong within these pages, and is probably more saintly than Jesus Christ. Un-believe-able!

He was the fastest horse on earth… and she would so anything to race him.

Theo has a secret dream – to be a great jockey. But in 1906, the very idea of a girl racing horses is unthinkable. Theo’s parents would never allow it.

Then Theo’s sister, Claudia, becomes very ill. With her family distracted, Theo seizes her chance. She passes herself off as a boy and gets a job on the neighboring horse farm. Soon she is given the opportunity of a lifetime: to drive the best race horses in the country—including the legendary Dan Patch, a magnificent stallion who has broken the world record for harness racing.

In order to live out her dreams, Theo will have to live a lie. But how long can she keep pretending.

How … National Velvet-ish. Girl passes herself off as a boy to work with horses. And apparently almost everyone around her is too fucking dumb to figure it out. Sweet! And I really think that the use of the phrase “to be a great jockey” is something of a misnomer. Jockey would imply that one rides a horse, although the dictionary does indicate that one could drive a horse. However, I’d imagine that the harness would want to make a very clear distinction that they are drivers as opposed to jockeys. Perhaps it’s splitting hairs, and maybe “to be a great jockey” sounded better than “to be a great driver” but it’s like apples and oranges. Or maybe I’m just too picky.

Needless to say, our story begins at the turn of the 20th Century (give or take a few years) with our disgruntled heroine, Theodora, bitching about the unfairness of life as she traipses off into the Minnesota countryside. It seems that life is unfair because Theodora (I fucking hate her fucking nickname of ‘Theo”) has this dream; as dream of horses and harness racing and getting to invade that hallowed sanctum of the International Stock Feed Farm. You see, the International Stock Feed Farm was a big deal for this little Minnesota town that used to be called Hamilton. But then a rich dude by the name of Marion Willis Savage bought a horse, and that horse made history, and everyone in the town decided to orally pleasure the guy (in the figurative sense) and rename the whole blooming town after him. And it’s Theodora’s dream to get to this wonderful farm, and see the place for herself. That, and drive the harness horses.

But anyway, life just isn’t fair, according to her. As it turns out, she was going to visit the farm on the last day of school, and why she’d even get to win this thing called The English Prize (which is I guess some medal for being able to write a good story in English class) but now it’s all going to pot because of Claudia, her older sister. Theodora’s family is not your normal family of the early 1900s. Her mother, Maude is a suffragist, her father, Stevenson, is a lawyer who’s apparently big on equal rights for women, and her sister is an alternate on some big orchestra thing. And because her sister has these big dreams and goals and this whole thing about standing up to men in her own right, and all Theodora wants is horses (which you know is only supposed to last until she discovers boys) she is clearly not the apple of her mama’s eye. And what luck! Somehow, two violinists get sick right at the same time (gee, something they both ate perhaps?) and it seems that Claudia is the only one capable of playing in an upcoming concert. So instead of going to the farm of her dreams and getting the medal for writing, Theodora is bustled off to Minneapolis with her parents to watch her sister perform.

But not before she wishes something truly heinous would happen to Claudia, and wouldn’t you just know it, but after playing amazingly well, Claudia collapses during the concert. And we find that she has polio. Polio is bad juju because the cure for this disease wouldn’t be found for another 82 years, which means Claudia is pretty much screwed. Her parents bring her home, and Theodora’s aunt, Harriet, arrives. Harriet is a doctor, and so she settles in with the family to help take care of Claudia.

Most importantly, because Aunt Harriet isn’t sure if polio is contagious or not, the family pretty much kicks Theodora out of the house during the day, and she’s left to her own devices. While at the general store with her aunt, she runs into Marion Willis Savage, and goes all fangirl on him, and begs him to help get sheepskins for her sister to lie on. He’s nice (c’mon, the bloody book’s written by his great-granddaughter, as if she’d say anything bad about the guy who made the money in her family, pssh!) and says he’ll help. And Theodora practically pisses her pants with joy. And this makes her more determined than ever to be with the horses. Thus, she enlists the help of a schoolmate, a Swedish boy named Carl. Carl is sixteen, so a year older than Theodora, and his family is a big family of poor farmers with bad English skills. That’s not to demean them in anyway, mind you, but it does show the hardship that immigrant families face, especially back in the early days of the Industrial Revolution. Carl is smart, Carl wants to be something in life, and Carl wants books. Theodora gives Carl books to read, and then pretty much blackmails him with her dreams – and he helps her get some clothes so she looks like a boy, and off she goes to the International Stock Feed Farm to work as a stablehand running water buckets and cleaning. But what she really wants to do is work with the horses.

Now, Theodora’s matter of disguising herself is to dress up in boy’s clothes, and pin her long hair up under a cap. That’s so so bloody cliché. At least Velvet Brown has the sense to actually cut her hair off, but Theodora only pins it up under a cap. And despite the fact that she’s running around doing any number of chores, including ones that surely must involve bending down to pick something up, her cap never ever falls off her saintly little head. Which begs the question of what kind of a cap is she wearing? Because surely someone would notice that her hat does not sit down firmly on her head, but seems to be held aloft a few inches by the mass of hair underneath it. But they don’t, which means all the men are stupid, and she is smart. Girl power, and all that tripe.

Well, almost all the men, because there’s this old rat-catcher guy who figures out she’s a girl before she even opens her mouth (maybe it’s the way she walks or something) but Carl takes her to see Dan Patch because of the obsessive way that Theodora lusts after the stallion, and she gets to feed him apples, and M.W. Savage asks her name, and she’s a dope and calls herself Theodore Stevens. Which is dumb because her knows her father, and saw her at the general store. So anyway, the long and the short of it is that she keeps working at the farm all day, and then goes home, and sees her sister lying motionless in bed. And tries to give her some water, and succeeds only in soaking her sister, Maude freaks out and Theodora screams at her aunt for coming there and ruining the whole family while her mother screams at her (ah, such familial bliss!)

And it just gets better because Theodora meets up with Carl the next day, and they talk about families, and Carl being observant for a boy, notes that there’s some weird tension between Maude, Stevenson and Harriet when they’re all in a room together. And they go their separate ways when they get to the farm. There, the old rat-catcher guy, Amon Szabo, takes Theodora to the track just when it starts to rain and one of the young horses spooks, and his driver falls out of the sulky. Theodora jumps (I kid you not) into the seat, and grabs the reins. And then there’s this whole mumbo jumbo thing about how she calls out some secret name and the horse stops and everyone shits their pants at how amazing she is, even M.W. Savage. And then it starts to really rain, and Carl and Theodora take refuge in the barn. Only, Theodora hid her clothes by the creek, and when they get there, everything got washed away. Ooops.

Thus chastened, she has to return home, where her mother finds out she’s been masquerading as a boy to work at the horse farm and practically flies into a homicidal rage because damn it, they’ve given her everything so she can be an intelligent, smart young woman with a future and there she is wasting it on horses. Plus, like dude, she’s totally going to ruin the future of the world for women like me and many readers of this blog, by pretending to be a boy. Gasp! So Theodora screams at her mother, her mother screams back, and everyone is unhappy.

And in the midst of this, Carl and his father, Gustav show up. Gustav has found the books that Theodora and her family have lent to Carl, and he thought that Carl stole them. There’s more yelling and fighting, and finally Stevenson convinces Gustav to let Carl go back to school, and gives him another book to read. Only this book is On the Origin of Species, which has always been rather confrontational in terms of religion, even now. And Gustav is like uber-religious. So there’s obviously some forcing his hand there. Bully!

Carl asks Theodora to come to the dance on the Fourth of July, and this leads to the conversation between Aunt Harriet and Theodora about how Harriet had the hots for this guy, and he had similar feelings and proposed to her. But oh no, Harriet has to be a doctor, and there's no way she could possibly be a wife and a mother at the same time because she's got this driven goal of women's rights, and producing children would just discredit her in the world. Anyway, she never says her beau's name, and says that Claudia has to make the same kind of decision ... but oh, she wants to do Theodora's hair for the dance, so that Carl sees her as a young woman. Talk about mixed messages there, Harriet. Honestly!

Theodora does go back to the farm, but she doesn't have to hide her dress anymore because she can leave the house wearing Carl's old clothes. And M.W. Savage says he's going to turn her over to this guy named Bill Turner who can teach her to drive harness horses. But not until after the Fourth of July parade. And then comes the parade, and Gustav brings his wagon to take Claudia, and Carl sits next to Claudia and pays a lot of attention to her, and Theodora practically gnaws her own liver in jealousy. And along comes Dan Patch being driven in the parade, and he remembers her from when she fed him apples, so he practically drools all over her, which gives Mr. Savage a chance to get a really good look at Theodora all dressed up. Oh, and Carl's like totally hiding behind Theodora, just so Mr. Savage won't put two and two together.

It's time for the dance, and Theodora wears a dress her mother wore when she met Stevenson. And Maude, and Harriet and Stevenson all sigh and awwwh over her. And Maude has a headache, but insists that Harriet go with Stevenson to the dance. And there's Carl, and Amelia, the rich banker's daughter is a bitch, and Carl brushes her off. Theodora dances with Carl, and he kisses her. And then she looks at her father, her aunt and her mother on the front porch, and the whole thing hits her like a clue-by-four. Yay! Love triangle!

So Theodora gives Carl a story to read, and then she goes to work with Bill Turner who must be this book's version of crusty old Charlie Burke because he's not talkative, stout, and really old. And he teaches Theodora how to drive this horse named Brown City Lad. And times goes by, and Claudia starts to get better. And she even can sort of walk one day. And Theodora gets pissy at Aunt Harriet again, and screams to her mother how much she hates her, and confronts her about the whole thing between Harriet and Stevenson. Hurrah! And Mumsy Maude doesn't even deny it. Even better!

So anyway, the next day, Carl tells her that he's turning in his notice and won't be working at the farm. Which means that it's her last day there too. And with the help of Amon Szabo, along with a loose stallion, she gets into the sulky pulled by Dan Patch and drives him. Yeah, she just freaking gets in when everyone is busy, and drives the famous race horse. And nobody gets mad afterwards because Mr. Savage tells her he knew she was a girl ever since the day of the parade. So that's the end of Theodora's working at the farm, because she has to quit anyway, and did it with a bang.

And finally, they go to the Minnesota State Fair. Theodora received tickets from Mr. Savage to sit in the grandstands and watch Dan Patch's race. And so her father, Claudia and Carl all get to go along. And Carl told Theodora that he copied the story she gave him, and sent it in to these publisher people who now want her name so they can publish it. And he kisses her again, which makes her older sister and father act and look interested in something else (hahaha) and it's off to the Fair.

At the Fair, they find their seats, and watch as Dan Patch's pacer horses come out onto the track. And there's the big horse himself. And off he goes, pacing along until he breaks his own record, trotting a mile in 1:55. And Theodora is happy, and everyone lives happily ever after.

However, as an interesting side note, that day that Dan Patch trotted a mile in 1:55, the time was record was made unofficial due to the use of a dirt shield by his prompter. Deborah Savage seems to build up the suspense of how amazing this horse was by adding in an afterward that the record was not broken for 20 years. However, perhaps it might have served her better to acknowledge that the record of 1:55 for the mile was unofficial. Otherwise, it just makes the book more fictional than it was by twisting the truth.

Points of Interest:

• Theodora's mother is an odd bat. She continually tells her daughter not to mess up her clothes, however while she's inside her house, she wears her husband's clothes. Does this not contradict her near-homicidal rage when she finds out that Theodora has been wearing Carl's clothes?

• Deborah Savage likes to use the word "man's" to indicate clothing and things that women should not be using. For example, she states that Aunt Harriet was carrying a long man's umbrella tucked her her arm. For god's sake, just say it's a long black umbrella. It's not like anyone would mistake it for a frilly parasol!

• Theodora is stating a new story about a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes and was from Norway, and was adopted by Indians. Holy moly, she turned Carl into a Larry Stu!

• Also, Theodora is dumb as rocks. For someone who likes horses as much as she does, mustangs do not win the freaking Kentucky Derby.

So that's To Race A Dream. And I can't get this thing back to the library fast enough. I'll have to see what else there is to read. I've put book #2 of the Golden Filly series on request for an inter-library loan and it's on its way.

What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The Shadow (Horse) Knows

Shadow Horse
by Alison Hart
First Printing in Hardcover: 1999
First Printing in Paperback: 2001

In my avoidance of reading more books of the Ashleigh series, I ended up at Borders with $9 remaining on my Christmas gift card that I just had to get rid of somehow. So I cased the young adult/juvenile section, and picked up a mystery by Alison Hart, which is of course the pen name for a Thoroughbred author. It was an Edgar Award Nominee; not sure if it won or if it was the only book nominated that year or something, but heck, I gave it a stab (har har) and read the thing.

After assaulting the owner of the horse farm where she works, thirteen-year-old Jasmine Schuler must face the inside of a courtroom and then juvenile hall.

Jas knows no one will believe her defense -- that the man she attacked had poisoned Whirlwind, the mare she loved. Wealthy horse owner Hugh Robicheaux is powerful enough to shift all blame to Jas's grandfather. But Jas refuses to give up. After the judge pronounces her guilty of assault and puts her into foster care at Second Chance, a farm for abused animals, she remains determined to prove her charge against Hugh.

The key becomes a scrawny brown gelding she rescues at a horse auction. She's sure Shadow is somehow connected to the mare she lost, but how?

Brilliant! It’s a grand synopsis. Pretty spot on, does Random House have better synopsis writers than Harper Collins or something? Other than the fact that the rescued horse turns out to be chestnut, and not brown, I think it fits pretty well. There’s the story in three simple paragraphs. Also, Hugh Robicheaux is sort of sleazy, and does not ever meet the awesomeness that is Brad Townsend. Just because.

So we begin with a flashback; one I think was adequately enough written that I feel I ought to share. It certainly beats out other beginning paragraphs in other books.

She was a flash of gold as she cantered around the ring. Ears pricked, neck arched, she moved like a movie star in the spotlight as she sailed over the last fence. Landing smoothly, she slowed to a trot, tossing her mane as if to say, “Wasn’t I great?”

Because she was great. She was the most beautiful horse in the world.

But now, she was dead.

The whole mane-tossing horse “talking” bit aside, I rather liked that, it seemed pretty and all. So thus we begin with Jasmine moping sadly over a picture of her favoritest horse in the whole world in the middle of the court holding room, whilst clutching a paper bag full of (possibly dirty) underwear and wearing handcuffs, which only serves to add to her embarrassment because said bag fall on the floor, and everyone can clearly see that Jas (because obviously, she needs a nickname to make her seem bad-girl) does not go for racy lacy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Needless to say, this draws the attention of Vince, a future gangbanger/drugdealer who feels the need for his very own bitch. So he hits on her, and she plays coy, and tries to brush him off before the cops come, and take her into the courtroom.

You see, it is then revealed that Jas has done what Ashleigh Griffen and the rest of the TB-verse girls would never in their wildest dreams have dared do. She freaking tries to rip off the face of our Wicked Villain, Hugh Robicheaux, with a piddly-ass hoofpick. Unfortunately for Jas, a hoofpick is neither sharp or dangerous, and she does nothing more than slash his cheek (if Hugh was actually bleeding as a result, he’s a fucking pussy.) This however means that Jas is now branded as a juvenile criminal, and being as she’s pretty much poor trailer trash, she has been appointed a public defender, while Hugh can afford a sleazy lawyer who practically convinces the judge that Jas is the Second Coming of Jack the Ripper. Bonus points for Skeevy Lawyer to insinuate that the judge has no knowledge of horses whatsoever by informing him what a hoof pick is used for (and double bonus points for him calling a hoof a ‘foot’ and Jas for mentally correcting him.)

And then the Rich Evil Bad Guy™ goes up in front of the judge and just starts oozing sleaziness about what happened on the afternoon of June 1st. Which of course kicks in another flashback for Jas. It seems that her grandfather pretty much had a heart attack/stroke/apoplexy after Hugh grills him mercilessly about a yew branch that turned up in Whirlwind’s pasture. Which of course apparently sends Jas over the edge according to Hugh and he paints a very nice picture of her as a crazy psychopath while the best that Jas can do is mentally insult him by calling him a “dirty, fat liar.” Awwh, c’mon girl, tell us what you really think of him, please! So then we get to the fun part, of the farm manager coming to the stand and get to hear his side of the story. Turns out, Jas does slash Hugh’s cheek. And it bleeds. So yeah, he’s one fucking big pussy. How pathetic can that be? I can’t even manage to scrape my hand with a hoofpick, either Jas is stronger than she looks or Hugh is on a power trip and keeps razor sharp hoofpicks in his tackroom.

And then, it gets it even better because once Hugh and Jas are alone after she assaults him, he threatens and gloats over her which adds a whole new dimension to their relationship. But that’s all in a nice flashback, because we’re thrust back into the present, with Jas being found guilty and being placed into foster care. And she gets to wear one of those electronic monitor bracelets which will enforce her lockdown. Whoop! This gets better and better. Once Social Services and the probation officer lay the smackdown on Jas, it’s off to Second Chance Farm where she’ll be staying.

Jas is excited at first because her foster home is run by a chick named Miss Hahn, and there’s horses. But then, her first view of the place pretty much confirms that Second Chance Farm (the sign actually reads S COND CHANCE ARM) is a real shithole. Because it’s rundown, and the animals there are *gasp* mutts and stuff. At least the dogs are, and one only has three legs, which is clearly Jas’s rude introduction to the world outside the perfectly manicured estate of Mr. Rich Evil Asshat Villain who only keeps blue-blooded purebred critters on his land, thank you.

So anyway, Jas goes up into her room, but just because she’s now a criminal mastermind, she keeps her hand in by snooping around the room of her foster parent. And lo and behold, she finds several pictures of Miss Hahn riding a horse, and in one picture, who should be lurking sinisterly in the background – but Rich Asshat Villain himself. *SHOCK!* However can Jas trust Miss Hahn now?

Jas then takes a shower. And I gotta hand it to Alison Hart at this point because she actually acknowledges in a book that Jas is buck naked in the shower because y’know, people are usually buck naked in the shower. And there’s no reason it ought to really be glossed over in a book for teens, right? Teens are ever so aware of their burgeoning sexuality, after all. And in the meantime, she steals some of Miss Hahn’s scented shampoo. That criminal mastermind, her!

And just as Jas emerges from the shower, she gets a phone call from a mysterious stranger. Well, actually, it’s a guy who claims to be called ‘Dr. Aladdin’ and he’s calling about her grandfather. Now, at this point, I’d say something’s seriously fucked up with the situation because Dr. Aladdin turns out to be Hugh – and if Miss Hahn has past connections with Hugh, she’s got to be the dumbest broad on the face of the planet if she can’t recognize his voice. Also, someone in Social Services is a squealer. Or something. Because Hugh knew exactly where Jas was. And anyway, he calls her, and it practically gets her heart racing. Now, my gut feeling right there is Hugh gets a hard on when he threatens Jas – I can just imagine him jacking off while he talks to her over the phone because the guy sounds really creepy, and a lot like some sick stalker. (But hey, maybe it’s my sick twisted mind at work, but I doubt that.) And he does ask Jas to say hello to Diane for him… Diane being Miss Hahn. Which adds more doubt into Jas’s mind that her foster parent is in cahoots with Hugh.

And then it all clicks together for Jas – that Aladdin is actually the name of a horse that died when she was 8, and she saw the dead horse, and it’s mentally scarred her tiny little mind for life. So anyway, she dries her hair, and runs into this boy who works at the farm named Chase. And he takes her out to the barn, and shocks her out of her frigid little mind because the farm is like a freaking barnyard with llamas and cows, and geese and other assorted farm creatures beyond your average equine specimens. And the stable office is like a dump compared to the immaculate cleanliness of Hugh’s High Meadows Farm, and this just breaks Jas’s heart because Second Chance Farm is basically a place for abandoned animals – or as she puts it … “rejects.” (Gee, isn’t she a high and mighty little snob, considering how close to being a reject she is.)

To make a long story short, Jas runs across one of the ‘rejects’ at Second chance Farm -- an emaciated horse – and it shocks her sheltered snobby trailer trash self in such a way that she literally sicks up her guts at the sight of it. So she freaks out at Chase, and pretty much says that the vet ought to put all the horses down because they’re “no good” and Chase gives her whatfor by calling her a horse snob. Go Chase!

Jas gets to go along with Miss Hahn and Chase to a horse auction, and she practically shits a brick when she hears they only have a budget of $850. I mean, holy hell, that sure won’t buy y’know, a Thoroughbred. And lookee there, kill buyers. I really really gotta hand it to Alison here, you’d never ever hear a hint of kill buyers in the Thoroughbred world (because even the slowest nag in the world lives in a magical land of sunshine and rainbows and the selfsame sparkly golden butterfly farts from Magikal Gypsy Vanner butts) so I really really gotta say how happy I am that Alison is not wrapping this story up in more of the above. It’s real. Yeah, kill buyers are total shit and all, but y’know, they do exist, and people should be aware of them. And shit, they’re hauling ‘em away in a double decker. It’s the seedy underbelly of horse society. And it’s real, and there’s no reason anyone ought to be wrapped in cotton about it. Just tell it like it is.

So while at the auction, Jas spies a horse being led around. A big horse with weird orange hair. And she realizes what’s wrong with the horse. And gets into an argument with the seller, who’s very blunt at telling her he’d rather the horse went to the kill buyers because he could actually make some money rather than paying to get the horse’s problem fixed. And man, that guy must really need to get laid, because he tries to hit Jas up and proposition her. Sicko! If Jas doesn’t have enough problems with the guy, Reaves, she then gets into a fight with Chase about the horse and how he can be fixed up and sold for big money. Which only pisses Chase off because the horse was dumped because he wasn’t valuable anymore. Luckily, Jas runs into Miss Hahn, and they get the horse, and he becomes Jas’s project to work with. Hurrah!

The next day, Jas goes to see her grandfather in the nursing home. Her granddad suggests she talk to Hugh’s vet, Dr. Danvers, because Danvers would have had to examine Whirlwind after the horse’s death. Hmm, how thoughtful. So Jas files that away for reference, and then tells her grandfather about the horse they rescued the day before, whom she named Shadow. And along the way, she finds out that Danvers is pretty much donating time to the horse rescue, which means she’ll get to talk to him face to face. What glee!

So after Dr. Danvers gives the Shadow some meds, and they talk about the thyroid issue a bit, Jas seizes her chance, and asks the vet about the yew killing Whirlwind. And it turns out, the yew itself didn’t kill her, but rather the colic reaction she experienced with a twisted gut (and god, that was hard for me to read for a second there, given Flair’s death due to intestinal colic of that severity) but needless to say, Dr. Danvers is no longer the vet for our evil villain. This obviously raises him in Jas’s esteem because she invivtes him to come over for dinner. Because hey, he’s kinda got this thing for Miss Hahn, and apparently she wants to screw him blind or something. Excellent, so not only is Jas a criminal mastermind, she’s a human version of a dating hotline. Brilliance!

So our intrepid heroine suspects that Hugh killed Whirlwind for the insurance money, but as she later finds out, Whirlwind was only insured for fifty grand, but this makes her even more suspicious, and she throws all caution to the wind, and asks Phil about Aladdin. Aladdin it seems also died of colic (one of the number one killers of horses anywhere) and was only worth thirty grand so he didn’t have a full autopsy. Hmm, the mystery grows!

And as it turns out, Shadow is a chestnut. Whoda thunk! And he’s turning into a big old monster. Which doesn’t add to Jas’s problems because now she’s pretty much at it in a drop dirty fight with Chase. Who continues to insist that she’s a bloody horse snob with a swelled head the size of Texas. They scream at each other a bit, and Chase finally admits he’s jealous that Jas can ride so well. And Jas puts Shadow out in pasture. Whereuopn they learn the horse can jumping a fucking five foot wall as if it were a cavaletti. And herd cattle too. Just like the dead Aladdin. What’s going on here? Is it time to even start to cue the ominous mystery music?

Now, it turns out that Jas’s social worker contacted her mother. Jas it seems is the product of a teen pregnancy, and her mother dumped her off on her parents, and took off after that to become a jockey. And she doesn’t want Jas anyway, so that’s settled. And then Jas recruits Chase, and Lucy (a girl who works at the farm and can drive) into sneaking over to the one place that she’s been banned from for life – High Meadows. And she steals the photo album and her grandfather’s dog. Assult, and theft .. whoo, this kid’s racking up the brownie points. But the photo album was necessary because as it turns out, Shadow has the exact same markings as Aladdin does. Can it be… are they one and the same? Could Shadow have risen from the dead?

Or, as Jas’s grandfather suggests, could Shadow have been a ringer for Aladdin? Because Hugh then bought two horses for over a million dollars … but if Aladdin was only insured for 30 grand, then where’d the rest of the dough come from? Unless … the ringer was the one that died, and Aladdin is Shadow. Dun dun dun!

Does this also mean that Whirlwind is not truly dead? The suspense builds!

Jas enlists the help of the vet, and they scan Shadow for a microchip. And lo and behold, the horse has one. Suspense! But alas, the vet can’t find Aladdin’s file, so he’s not sure if the numbers all match up. But in the meantime, Miss Hahn and Jas haul Shadow over to a friend’s house. Now, this friend is apparently rich, and probably is screwing Hugh the way Jas imagines Miss Hahn is. But just before they leave, Dr. Danvers phones with the most unexpected expected news possible (I mean obviously!) The numbers match up. Shadow is Aladdin, Aladdin is Shadow. Hugh is a dirty rotten double timing crook. Like duh!

They arrive at Miss Hahn’s friend’s place, and Jas goes into the tack room to get a saddle, only to find her crazy creepy potential rapist stalker there. (Man, Hugh really gets around.) And she confronts him, and he admits that Whirlwind isn’t dead. And he threatens her.

But here comes to save the day! Miss Hahn is on her way! Because now it’s Girl Power against Evil Villain Scum! And Hugh retreats, muttering “If it wasn’t for that meddling Miss Hahn” which leaves Jas free to ride Shadow over fences and pretty much give Miss Hahn’s friend a hard on over how well the horse jumps. Bully! And the best part is, Miss Hahn turns her down flat, and offers Jas and her grandfather a home at Second Chance Farm. Hooray! And life can now be happily ever after. Plus, maybe Jas can try and find Whirlwind.

Points of Interest:

• Vince is in Juvie because the cops caught him with weed. He's 13, and already doing drugs. This is a far cry from the world of Thoroughbred where apparently except for a minor incident with drugs, the backside is surprisingly drug free because Whitebrook people let their kids run around the place by themselves.

• Miss Tomlinson, Jas's social worker, talks about the horses that Miss Hahn has as being "big ones, small ones, pretty ones." but admits she doesn't know one horse from another and I like it... the non-horse world far outnumbers the horse world, where some people don't know jack about a horse -- it just makes for a refreshing change.

• Chase seems to start to say something, and then stops. And Jas mentally fills in something she'd think she'd like to hear like .."because you're cute." etc. It's amusing, because Chase does kiss her later on in the book, but I'd almost have hoped he'd turn out to be gay or something, and have something else in mind than Jas's conveniently mental conversation endings.

• Miss Hahn apparently had a wealthy father with a fancy horse farm. I betcha anything High Meadows probably used to be in her family before Hugh got his hands on it.

• Jas's mother was only 16 when she got pregnant. Teenage pregnancy is not avoided in this book, even if it's only a brief mention.

This was a good book, I must say. I’d have to give it a 6 out of 10 because it was realistic, focused and actually examined the seedy underberlly of the horse world; in a way that Thoroughbred and many of its ilk seemed to brush things off. In the same way, Alison doesn’t brush other aspects of society off either; the fact that Jas is in trouble with the law, and she has to have a probation officer, etc. It’s not sunshine and butterflies. My only regret is that there never was a sequel. It seemed so much like it was building up to one in the end, and then it all went flat. I certainly would have been interested in a continuation.

So there we have Shadow Horse, and coming up next, we step back in time to an America long past with To Race A Dream which I foresee I'm likely to be fleeing from at the very end.