Yet Another Star-Studded Story

Star of Shadowbrook Farm
By Joanna Campbell
Published: August 1992
Republished as Ashleigh's Thoroughbred Collection: May 1998

Alas, the public library system has failed me. Well, not really. It's just that some requested books are still in transit, so it might be a few more days yet before I receive them. I was doing some non-horsey (even though technically the book has horses in it) extra-curricular reading, but while reading Zorro: A Novel by Isabel Allende, I just caught a pretty strong whiff of the ripe smell of Mary Sue. As it turns out, there's a girl character in the book named Isabel. And I'm gathering that as I progress farther into the novel, she's going to know exactly who Zorro is and is going to use a sword herself, and likely ride by his side to help him fight Eeeeeevil! HA! Don't get me wrong, I adore the story of Zorro -- I'm a California girl, he's like our version of Batman and Robin Hood all rolled up into one -- but I think for the sake of my sanity, I needed to take a very quick respite from the toils of Zorro: A Novel, and do a book review.

I have a confession to make. Are you ready to hear it? Really ready? Well, here goes... I am a lazy ass. I repeat, I am a lazy ass. Instead of making myself do a tough 5 or so minutes of scanning the cover of the copy that I have, did a quick Google search, found that monstrosity, and called it a day. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful cover, or it would be, were it not for the fucking huge monstrosity that reads: ASHLEIGH'S THOROUGHBRED COLLECTION. Just clutters the whole thing up. That aside, I'm muchly glad that my copy is from the first printing six years prior to this, and therefore doesn't look like a butt-ugly eyesore. I always liked the balance of color and motion on the page; although I've always wondered where they are, since there's so much space behind them, it's too large for a stall.

Can Susan ever ride again?

Susan has fallen off her horses before. After all, she's been riding since she was young. But this last spill was different. Susan only broke her wrist, but she knows it could have been a lot worse for her or the horse. And it was her own fault. Now, just thinking about riding terrifies her.

Then Evening Star comes to the horse farm where Susan lives. Star's elegant gait and graceful stride show he could become a champion jumper. But he was mistreated by his former owner, and as a result he trust no one in the stable except Susan. Susan knows that only she can make Star a winner, but she also knows that she isn't ready to ride again...

Here we go! The timeless classic tale of a horse-crazy girl who gets badly rattled by a traumatic fall, and it takes a very special horse to help get her back in the saddle. And of course, that horse was mistreated by his past (and I'll raise the ante because you just know he was whipped!) and she has to help him so he can help her. Bully!

So our story begins with Susan walking into the Shadowbrook Farm stable office to collect her hard hat so she can go teach an intermediate jump class. We're then treated to a whole internal monologue about how Susan hates teaching this class because of this totally popular little bitch named Tara Pendleton, who is, I suppose your usual arch-nemesis the likes of Diana Carruthers, and Veronica DiAngelo (y'know, popular, pretty, rich -- maybe -- all the stuff that our valient heroines are not) and how different Susan feels from her because Tara is being treated like a sex object by the boys in their class, and yadda, yadda, blah blah. So off Susan goes to her lesson, maliciously hoping that Tara has caught Dengue Fever or Syphilis, but sucks to be her because Miss Pretty Bitch is just fine.

Now, this always was a perplexing issue for me, but the majority of the students in Susan's intermediate jumping class are all in their teens, thereabouts. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but most teenagers seem to be of the rather competitive nature. To be taught how to jump by a girl the same age as them must really be irritating, yet apparently nobody (not even Tara the Queen Bitch if you're you believe Susan) has possibly whined to any parents who then flip out about a teenager teaching their Pwecious! I mean, yeah, obviously Susan has to help teach lessons, but can't she I dunno, take on leadliners or something? Little short stirrup up/downers. Someone to whom your average 7 year-old can look up to, instead of potentially raising the ire of parents who pay all this money for their kid's riding lessons only to have a girl their own age teaching them. Also, Joanna described Susan's students as having "been jumping for several months" which means they've probably just graduated out of doing trot poles, and threfore shouldn't be considered "intermediate" jumpers. But it's a minor quibble I suppose.

Anyway, Susan rides a green horse named Jocko in her riding lesson. The hell, what is this, karmic retribution or something? Remember the exercise rider in Wonder's Promise? What'd he do, die and be reincarnated as a horse? Now, I've never really seen an instructor in the saddle while on a horse, particularly in a group lesson, and most especially while jumping. I mean, what if some student of hers clips a rail and brings it down? There's a pretty damn obvious reason why instructors are usually ground-bound, which ought to be a no-brainer. But clearly, this reasoning fails Susan, and during the midst of teaching, Tara takes over with her !witty commentary, and this sends Susan into a towering rage that she screams at Tara to "Butt out!" (And this is why 14 year old children should not teach other 14 year old children to ride) and proceeds to demonstrate to the class how incompetent she is jumping a green horse.

Thus Susan breaks her wrist when Jocko goes ape-shit and throws himself head-on at the ring fence. There is much pain, and humiliation when Tara takes charge, and Susan practically wants to die on the spot. And there's much humiliation to follow when Tara manages to get Jocko around the jump course a week later. Susan just about has apoplexy, and bolts for the woods, whereupon she stumbles across a water jump on the rich neighbor's property just in time to see the rich snotty teenage neighbor ride a big gray horse up to the jump. Except the gray horse refuses, and naturally the rider does what she's supposed to do -- give the horse a smack with the crop. He refuses again! So Maxine (the teenage rich snob) smacks him again. Rinse, recycle, repeat. She's just gonna keep flogging him all day (clearly we're treated to Joanna Campbell's personal crusade against horse abuse and whips) because she is Evil and Bad, and therefore pre-disposed to horse abuse because we're supposed to hate her. So finally wearing out her crop leather, Maxine gets the horse over the water jump, and off they go.


A few days later, Susan manages to make it to school, Tara puts on a Fake Sweet Bitch act and humiliates Susan some more in front of her classmates. Susan does this withdrawing act, and just basically shuts down until she gets home where she finds her dad bought the big gray horse that she'd seen Maxine riding. He's four years old, and is a Thoroughbred named Evening Star. And at some point, he jumps out of the pasture, and goes tearing off into the woods where Susan chases after him, and they come across a girl named Whitney Duncan. She catches Star, they take him back to her place and call Susan's parents. And the two girls talk and make friends, and it's all cool and that jazz. So Susan's dad suggests that Susan groom the horse because Star practically wants to crawl in her pocket.

So Susan takes Whitney to school, and Whitney blows off Tara, and hangs with Susan, and gets the whole story of the accident from both Tara and Susan. Susan grooms Evening Star, and fusses over him while Tara goes on and on about how she's going to buy a horse. And then one night, Susan's father tells her that Tara wants to buy Star, so Susan vows not over her dead body, and goes on the horse. It's instant love match, oh yay! And Susan finds out how to help condition Star properly. And it works, and she rides him, and oh yay some more. Tara keep on bragging and bragging about how much Evening Star gives her a hard on even though she hasn't ridden him yet (and that just makes me giggle madly) and when Tara sees Susan on Evening Star, she flips out like ninja and Susan finally manages to find the cajones to stand up to her. Hurrah for Susan!

And with Evil Tara's plans for riding Evening Star like an 1888 Whitechapel whore foiled (because clearly Tara owning Evening Star would be the kiss of death) Susan and Whitney can now begin to focus on their eventing careers. Tara of course, sulks around for a bit, and then gets a hard on for a new horse named Dickens. Whitney cleans out her closet and loads Susan down with clothes, and cuts Susan's hair, and Susan goes to school where everyone practically shits their pants because "Whoa, Susan is like Not a Freak!" and then Whitney bullies Susan into going to the Christmas dance where they actually get Susan to dance with members of the opposite sex. Brilliant!

So along comes Christmas Day, and it snows. So Susan, her parents, and older brother of course hitch a horse up to a sleigh and drive off to the Duncans' home, and then it's back home for Christmas treats for the horses (something that Joanna apparently really likes being as it's appeared in several books by now) and Susan gets a entire new wardrobe of show clothes from her parents. And then after Christmas, Susan teaches a beginner class again, and there's general trashing of how Tara is riding her horse like an 1888 Whitechapel whore, and they talk about her behind her back. Susan manages to jump fences again thanks to Star, and then Whitney invites Susan to some show at Madison Square Gardens.

So off to New York, New York the two girls go, and they meet this cute boy named Ronny who totally loves eventing. So he and Susan chat it up. Some time passes, Susan and Star turn into a team, and then comes the moment when Susan falls off Star doing gymnastics, and she freaks, but one of the assistant trainers on the farm makes her get back in the saddle. Crisis averted. Then the weather turns, and spring arrives and so Susan and Whitney go out on the cross-country course, and return to see Tara throwing a temper tantrum about wanting to go out there too. Whatever!

Eventually, Susan, Whitney and even Pretty Bitch Tara go to a horse show. Tara apprently has a huge case of the "butterflies in the stomach" because she tacks her horse up way early and starts warming him up. Whitney and Susan go off to change and Susan is horrified that she has to strip off her clothes in front of other women (honey, you 'aint got anything those ladies haven't already seen) and as they're warming up, Maxine walks over to confront Susan. Evening Star practically shits his pants thinks he's going to be flogged again. They wait for their rounds in jumping, and Tara has to ride first. She goes clean until the last fence when Dickens pulls the rail, thereby giving our Dynamic Duo the opportunity to discuss her FenceFail. But that's fine because Whitney fucks it up even more and gets two faults. Which leaves it all up to Susan to go clean and win the damn class. Bully! But not before having a near meltdown, and begging her horse to help her, which of course, he does.

Susan and Whitney aim for the Winter Horse trials, and Tara gets a case of sour grapes and bad mouths Susan all over school. And then it's time for the Winter horse Trials, and so far, Susan is ahead after a clean run in cross-country and show jumping. She runs into Ronny again, and goes gaga over him. Susan gets second in her event, and Whitney wins hers. And then three weeks later, Susan and Star win, and the whole family starts thinking they ought to enter Star in Groton Horse Trials, which I always thought was a bit much to expect of a five-year-old horse.

Moving along, our Dynamic Duo lurk around the tack store where they see Tara trying on $300 dress boots, and they talk about her behind her back. But this is clearly OK because they are the Good Girls and Tara's just the Bitch. And thus, as Susan is schooling her horse over the cross-country course, he spooks, throws her and she probably fucks her wrist up again. Ooops. Well, turns out Ms. Maxine was on the other side of the fence screaming hysterically and going postal at her horse, so Star shat his pants again. Anyway, Susan sprains her wrist and can't ride for a month. But clearly something must be done because Groton is coming up.

However! In what shall become a very familiar plot to readers of the Annoying Riding Princess Death Match, Susan proposes that Whitney ride Evening Star at Groton. Or at least ride Star and keep him in training for the month that Susan can't ride. Whitney finally caves in to her bestest friend, and sets to work. Of course, before all this happens, Tara has to gloat to Susan at school about missing any upcoming shows. But naturally, she just happens to be at the stable to see Whitney riding Star, so she has another freak out attack.

School ends, and Susan and Whitney go with their class to some park along the Housatonic River where they go canoing, and Whitney stands up in the canoe, and they tip over. Hooray, wet girls! And Tara just happens to be right there to point and laugh. But at last, they get to Groton, and they settle the horses in. Maxine apparently must have some superior power of telepathy because she waits until Susan, Whitney and their parents are all busy the next morning before going to Tara and asking her if she could take a look at Star. This of course is part of her devious plan to psych out the competition (more than likely completely destroy) because it's something worthy of Brad Townsend's awesomeness. In doing so, Maxine manages to make Star shit his hooves, and whimper like a fucking pussy just by standing in the stall (unless of course she managed to flog him with a whip while Tara's back was turned.)

This of course makes Star a nervous wreck, and he bites Whitney and she cries like a baby, and begs Susan to ride Star instead. Which Susan does, even though she hasn't ridden a horse in a month. And since Joanna already established the fact that Susan and Whitney wear the same size back when Whitney gave Susan all those clothes, they have an easy way of getting riding gear for Susan. And while waiting for her dressage test, Susan swears to Star that she'll pull a Cindy and sleep in his stall to protect him. Which either happens or it doesn't because we time travel to the following day where Susan does well, and they tie with Maxine for first place. Ronny shows up again, and chats with Susan a bit before they go back to the motel, and Susan's wrist is hurting like hell. Whitney feels bad, of course, and gets ice.

The next morning, it's time for the show jumping round, and Susan and Star get a clean round, and then Maxine's horse pulls the very last rail, which means Susan wins Groton for her division, and then passes out cold in front of her parents. And we all live happily ever after.

Points of Interest:

• Susan's father is named Mitch. Naturally this makes me giggle like a maniac because the only Mitch I can associate with the name is my golden boy.

• Double You Tee Eff! Whitney's parents have a BMW and a Jeep Cherokee. Seriously, does Joanna Campbell have stock in Jeep or something?

So anyway, I think I'm finally ready to venture back into the adventures of that masked horseman known as Zorro now. I'll likely regret it though if the Mary Sue-ism gets worse. I heard that the author was supposed to be so good, but between the Sue senorita and the telepathic connection between Diego and Bernardo (I fucking kid you not) it's a bit much to expect. Ah well, c'est la vie!

Caitlin: Date Rape = True Love!

Caitlin: The Love Trilogy
True Love
by Joanna Campbell, Created by Francine Pascal

Let's wrap this horrible trilogy up, shall we? Last time, in Caitlin: The Love Trilogy, our astonishing heroine accidentally poisoned a little boy and somehow managed to cripple him at the same time. I still don't understand how that works, but let's forget that because we have more important things to worry about...like how awesome and hot Jed is when he all pissed off and inclined to rape someone. Joanna Campbell should be informed that date rape is not sexy. Really, I'm starting to wonder about her.

ANYWAY. Caitlin nearly gets raped, Jed runs off to Montana and goes into seclusion (taking a few brief moments to answer, like, two letters), and then Diana is magically cured of anorexia because Caitlin is skilled in the art of cosmetics. Oh, and Caitlin found out about her real father and shuns him in the same conversation, and she has a new boyfriend, Laurence, who suffers from the same issues as Jed, only he doesn't want to rape anyone. No, he just hits on women when they're in need of emotional support. You can catch up on all of this by reading recaps for Loving and Love Lost. If you can stomach it. I, sadly, don't think I can.

So, I give you the blurb:

For Caitlin, Laurence Baxter is there when she needs someone. But even with kind, handsome Laurence by her side, she can't forget Jed Michaels -- Jed, who has refused to see her ever since he discovered that she let Diana Chasen take the blame for the accident that crippled little Ian Foster. Yet it will take another tragedy for Caitlin to find peace at home and to finally discover which boy holds the key to true love.

Yes, how can one forget someone who tries to rape you? I'd say that's probably something you'd remember for life. In a deeply scarred sort of way.

Anyway, we're back at Highgate to begin Caitlin's senior year. Caitlin's secret has been kept by Diana and Laurence and Jed, so she's still angsting about how no one else knows while being glad that no one else knows. Laurence is spending all of his time acting like a puppy dog in love, and Caitlin appreciates it but is convinced that she can never love him like she loved/loves Jed, who once tried to "use her body" so he could take revenge for being duped into believing she was a good person when she was a manipulative bitch who probably cripples children for fun. For fuck's sake, just say he tried to rape her. But then that would make this book series much shorter and we can't have that.

Moving on, Jed is off chatting up other girls he'd potentially like to rape and Caitlin is all forlorn about it while telling herself she should be thrilled with Laurence. So what do we do in this situation? We throw a party! Only Caitlin has to get more depressed because Jed is there and he keeps throwing her these looks as sophomore girls keep falling over him and so forth. So Laurence takes her home. Then she has to go to the library, and I swear to God that was the most boring chapter I've ever read even with all the accidentally running into Jed that gives Caitlin another opportunity to cry. Seriously, Caitlin needs more bibliographic information on Wuthering Heights, so she has to go to the card catalog and she finds a book she needs in the closed stacks and, you know, I AM a librarian and I couldn't take it.

So after this chapter I started to skim pretty rapidly, which is all you need to do with these books. Caitlin discovers that Jed has been invited to go to DC with Tara so they can not have sex in her house, so what does Caitlin do? Well, she goes on another ride, of course! In the dark, but more sedately than at first, so she can forget all her problems but then get locked out of her dorm. Her roommate lets her in, so like that was a big problem. Then Caitlin fesses up to her, and she's all understanding. So then Caitlin, who has recently discovered that riding horses is therapeutic and has I guess invented this practice by sticking Ian up on her horse, Duster, goes off and tells Ian, who does not accept her apology and essentially gives her the cold shoulder. Then she tells his mom, who's all "oh, I should be angry but you've been so nice so I forgive you" or something like that.

Then there's some fox hunt or something. Whatever.

All of this leads up to the senior class picnic, which takes place on some Ryan Mining property. I know. GREAT place to have a picnic, right? When they get there they discover it's basically been strip mined or something equally awful. So, Caitlin, filled with the urge to do the right thing, sets off to go look in one of these mines so she can tell her grandmother how horrible she is for wasting the environment or something. Like she knows what's she's going to go look at. Anyway. She troops off into the mine, Laurence follows her, and then he trips and runs into a support beam and all this wacky stuff happens to the point where ultimately Jed is trying to save Caitlin from the mine as water starts to fill in the gaping hole and threatens to drown her.

But of course everyone is okay. Magically state troopers appear and everyone goes to the hospital. Faced with her imminent death (although she is not at all dying), everyone forgives Caitlin and Caitlin forgives her father for being nice and eager to reenter her life. And her grandmother tells her that she's been a cold bitch, but always loved her and wanted the best for her. And Laurence breaks up with Caitlin because he knows she loves Jed, and then Jed and Caitlin hug and ALL IS WELL because she's in love with her almost-rapist, who has now forgiven her for making him want to date rape her. Dandy!

So that's the Love Trilogy. There are two more trilogies that I will not be reading, but if you're just desperate for more Caitlin, The Dairi Burger is recapping them in hilarious fashion. In fact, she's just posted Tender Promises, one of the Promise Trilogy and sequel (I think) to this book, and it does involve drama, cat fighting, and some sort of horse race. It's just that I can't take this anymore and officially call my Caitlin venture complete.

I'm going back to Thoroughbred next for more camp shenanigans!

Joanna Campbell does teen romance in The Thoroughbred, much to my utter vexation.

The Thoroughbred
Bantam Sweet Dreams Romance #8
by Joanna Campbell
Published: 1981

Because I just can't get out of the 1980's lately, my next installment is Joanna Campbell's The Thoroughbred. This book is as old as I am (actually, it's younger by about five months), the main character's name is the Irish version of mine (which never fails to creep me out just a little bit), and I have no idea why this is called The Thoroughbred...it could have been called Pretty Black Pony for all the title has to do with the story.


As far as I could tell there is no easily attainable photo of this cover on the internet. Since I have no scanner (horrors!), here's my best reproduction of it using my super duper camera's close up application. I don't know why I bothered, really, other than this horrible need I have to document everything. I could have just said: "Imagine a blond you wearing a burgundy sweater and tweed jacket. Now imagine you wearing these items in 1981." That probably would have done the trick right there.

Maura is rich and pretty, but that means nothing when she has to compete against the boy she loves...

Things have always come easy for Maura -- good looks, good grades and a real talent for horseback riding. So when she and her friend Jill start their summer at a horse farm, Maura decides she's going to win first prize in the annual horse show.

Then Maura meets Kevin, a dark, handsome boy who rides as if he was born on a horse. Riding with Kevin is like dancing with a wonderfully graceful partner, and for the first time Maura falls in love. But Kevin wants too much from her too soon and she's scared. She needs a little breathing space.

Feeling rejected, Kevin decides to show Maura up by winning the prize that she has been working towards all summer. But Maura is determined to win, even if it means losing the first boy she's ever really loved.

This summary is absolutely too long for this book. That, or I'm so used to those stunted Thoroughbred blurbs that thorough summaries are foreign to me now. But then when I think this all I have to do is read that second paragraph again and I immediately start to make a horribly sour face right at "riding with Kevin is like..." because I really do no think so. I mean, come on. Dancing with a wonderfully graceful partner? Please.

Okay. First things first. Maura is a rich sixteen-year-old blond girl from Connecticut. She's a boarding school kid at a place called Maryvale and goes there with her best friend, Jill. She could own a horse, but chooses not to because she would only be able to ride this horse two times a week, which essentially is chalked up as abuse. Because Maura is so kind hearted she decides it's best not to own any horses, despite her earth shattering riding skills. Jill is the girl with the MG and the horse family background, who rides but doesn't really care about it, and will eventually be a very spunky whore when she grows up.

This summer Maura decides to pass up yet another opportunity to spend her summer in Europe so she can spend her time at Jill's uncle's horse farm in Danbury. There she instantly bonds with a mare called Blackfire after one ride, mainly because Maura is that finely tuned as a rider. She does everything perfectly. She is perfect. SUBLIMELY PERFECT. It is frightening. Even at the country club, she swims and dives perfectly. She tans perfectly. She looks beautiful in her white bikini...really, I think I sort of hate her. Anyway, moving on.

So, the farm is hosting this big summer show and Alex (Jill's uncle) decides that Maura is talented enough to enter the open jumping competition, which is the most fantabulous competition there is ever. Maura, being perfect, twitters about how she's just not that good and Alex is all, "shut it, you're competing in the show" and she acquiesces. Soon after this, Jill and Maura go riding around the countryside and happen upon this beautiful farm. Maura, being perfect, doesn't want to trespass, but Jill, being flawed, is all "to hell with that" and they trespass. Our typical male hero arrives to tell them they're trespassing on his daddy's farm, mocks them severely, takes some time to be grudgingly humbled/shocked that Maura is going to enter the open jumping show, and then sneers at them for good measure. Yes, it does sound like Brad Townsend has traveled back in time (although, by my calculations, Brad would be about five in 1981...not that I'm obsessed or anything), appearing here as the dark, handsome, arrogant neighbor that Maura has to clash wish because he's pompous and she's all perfect and annoying. Never fear! This guy is no Brad Townsend. This guy is Kevin DeAngelo, an incredibly horrible result of everything that's bad about Irish and Italian genes mixing. Honestly, say it with me. Kevin DeAngelo. Doesn't it make you want to scream and break something? If not, maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's my sheer hatred of the name Kevin. Or maybe it's the Irish first name with the Italian last name. Or maybe it's ALL of it. Yeah, that's probably it.

Anyway. After their clash with dear old "I wish I was Brad" Kevin, Jill is all pleased that he insulted her and Maura is damn certain she'll never be one of those many girls that fall at his feet because he has broad shoulders and tons of money. No sir. She'll die first. It's exactly like listening to Ashleigh whenever she always had to state that she never could understand why people thought Brad was attractive. At least Maura stops protesting when it becomes blatantly obvious that she wants to fall at his feet like all the others.

I don't really remember how they actually get together...it's something pretty basic, I know that much. He starts coming over to the farm where Maura is staying so he can practice on his horse, and eventually he asks her out on a ride and that morphs into other things and finally he becomes the absolute opposite of sexy snobby Brad wannabe and becomes a clingy, possessive asshole who whines too much. They decide to meet up at a pool party and he's late, so Maura finds herself talking to Bill (whom she thinks is perfect for Jill, although that will never work because their names together make me cringe), and Bill asks her out but before she can reply Kevin shows up to stake his claim like the infuriatingly insecure but painted as confident romantic hero he is, which pisses off Maura. That doesn't last for long, despite him being upset that she wasn't waiting for him at the party...like, what? Around here I was getting some really disturbing feelings that he's just waiting to morph into his final stage of creepiness...the physical abuser.

But just wait! Oh, just wait. So Kevin becomes more clingy, and Maura gets more flighty, and he eventually convinces her to come meet his folks in their palatial mansion. She agrees to this, has dinner with them all, suffers through his parents mock-threatening to kill each other (slowly, by grinding up glass and sticking it in food...nice detail, Joanna!) and then goes out on a walk with Kevin which somehow ends up in a stream with them both half soaked. She gets pissy again and decides to go dry off in the grass and he plays around in the stream by himself (further proof that I think a few bolts are loose there) then romps back up to her, completely soaked and without a shirt. Because this is sexy, I guess. She opens her eyes and is all, oh...shirtless you. And he's all yes, I am shirtless. They proceed to make out in the grass and then (yes, and then...) he tries to date rape her. I know! Totally didn't see that coming either! But then I so obviously did. So she hauls off and hits him and demands that he take her home and I'm all, good for you! But she's all weepy because she loves him and really, what?

So she avoids him for a while until she decides to go swimming. She's swimming around in the club pool and out of nowhere he surfaces in front of her. Like...this is stalking on speed or something. This girl needs a PFA immediately. So he demands that she answer his question of if she'll "go with him" or whatever. You know, she's 16. He's 18 and attends Harvard. Isn't there a better phrase we can come up with for this? Or shouldn't she be hitting him again and telling him he creeps her out instead of being all forlorn when she blurts out no and he gets all annoyed so he just climbs out of the pool and walks straight to his car like he's not dripping wet all over the place? Who does that?

Then he starts dragging this ditzy 20-year-old blonde around with him everywhere, intent on hurting Maura's fragile feelings. Maura is in a state of sheer panic about this, but starts to avoid him even more and before you know it she's determined to beat him at the show, which I guess is a healthy reaction and so the show comes along and they do their show stuff and it comes down to Maura and Kevin. Like we all knew it would. There are two jump offs, increasing the heights of perfection to proportions I didn't know existed before, until Kevin's horse comes up lame and they concede to Maura, who accepts her "hollow" victory and refuses to go to the after party because she has to go sulk alone in the stable for a while about how she beat Kevin or whatever.

In the stable, as she's grooming Blackfire, Kevin miraculously appears and they make up while using all this flowery romance language that I am so burned out on that I am now positive this was a bad reading choice after all those Nora Roberts books. Anyway, Maura decides to belittle herself a little by telling him she's sure he would have won the show had his horse not come up lame (really? what?) and he tells her he was just trying to hurt her by dragging that stupid blond twenty-year-old around, and then they decide to write to each other and get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then they kiss and he tells her not to tell him all these feelings that she's been having (ie, that she loves him and has decided she wants to have a boyfriend and practice the piano and ride horses before she enters college to get her degree in music so she can become some rich person's wife and spend her time arranging flowers and doing whatever it is rich wives do). Only it doesn't matter because Blackfire approves of Kevin and Maura kissing and therefore we all should pretend that whole groping and slapping incident didn't happen and approve also.

And now, quote time!

Kevin's breathing became more rapid. He pulled his lips from hers for a moment and whispered hoarsely against her cheek, "Oh, Maura, Maura, I love you." His left hand moved her back and gently touched her breast.

Maura stiffened. She wasn't ready for this. She had to stop him before he went any further.

"Kevin," she gasped, pushing his hand away, "stop...please stop."

"Maura," he rasped huskily, "I love you...I need you."

"I'm not ready! Please..."

He began kissing her again. She closed her mouth tightly and tried to turn her head away. His kiss became more forceful.

"Kevin, stop! Stop!" She brought her hands around to his bare chest, trying to push him away. But he wouldn't move.

This wasn't the Kevin she knew. What was he doing? Why wouldn't he listen to her? In desperation she slapped him soundly across the cheek.

His head jerked. His eyes snapped wide as he suddenly lifted them to look down at her frightened face.

"Let me go, Kevin!"

~

I am so utterly disoriented. Not to mention? At this point Joanna Campbell is starting to make me feel dirty and I had no idea that was possible.

I need a Thoroughbred book and their ridiculous, sun shiny plots to ease the pain.

Were we expecting The Wild Mustang to act wild?

The Wild Mustang
by Joanna Campbell
Published: 1989

I'm headed back into Joanna Campbell's pre-Thoroughbred era before I delve into the backlog of books waiting on me. So we're trooping back into the '80s with The Wild Mustang. Aren't you thrilled? I know I am.

This cover just screams The Black Stallion meets The Phantom Stallion meets My Friend Flicka meets denim-clad Cindy McLean. Which probably means that me and this book should be parting paths pretty soon because if I see one more 12-year-old blond girl in denim I am not going to be pleasant to be around. Here we've got this kid named Tracy, who has that gleeful window-shopping look about her. That "I simply must have this or I will scream so loud you will appease me with promises you can't follow through with to get me to shut up!" look. We all know that look, and it's making me nervous. Anyway, the horse is going through a serious case of wind blown hair, which is just so romantic and beautiful and would be just fine if Tracy's hair was doing something at all similar. Which it isn't.

Could Tracy ever give up Whitestar?

Twelve-year-old Tracy Jordan loves exploring the lands around her family's Wyoming sheep ranch. It's always a thrill when she spots a herd of wild mustangs grazing in the mountain meadows. Tracy wishes with all her heart that she could have a horse of her very own. But for some reason, her father seems to hate all horses, especially mustangs.

One day Tracy and her brother Colin rescue an injured black mustang near their home. Tracy is determined to keep the mustang, which she names Whitestar, until he has healed, but she knows that her father will be furious if he finds out what she's done.

When Whitestar's hiding place is discovered, Tracy is frantic. She knows that the only way to save the mustang is to set him free--but will she have the courage to say goodbye to her dream horse?

I'm not going to take issue with this blurb, other than the name Tracy Jordan annoys the hell out of me because from this moment on I'm going to think 30 Rock every time her name is mentioned.

Plot:

Little Tracy Jordan (who is not a highly medicated, fictional actor living in New York, but a small, blond girl living in Wyoming and who probably has no sense of humor) lives on a sheep ranch and she loves horses. Unfortunately for her, her father keeps insisting on sticking any wild horse he sees on a trailer and sends it to slaughter...which I am under the impression has been illegal since 1971, so in theory all little Tracy would have to do is call the BLM and they'd come out and probably ruin her livelihood because her father is a moron. In fact, her father hates all horses because of something that happened once, long ago ($10 says his wife was trampled and killed by a wild horse) and Tracy is not satisfied with his vague answer. So it is decreed that no horse shall live on Tracy's farm, and instead we'll all just get around in Jeeps and waste as much gas as humanly possible. Yes, JEEPS.

So the deal here is that Tracy and her little brother, Colin, go out every day to foil her father's plans to keep his sheep safe. They find all the traps that have been set out for the coyotes, springing them or removing poisoned meat, and spook any mustangs off the property before they can be illegally transported for slaughter. They're out doing this one day when they discover a horse has stepped into one of the traps, catching its leg. In an inspired attempt to free the animal, Caitlin somehow finds herself without a hoof to the forehead and a new horse at the end of a rope. Because all horses in Joanna Campbell's world are at least halfway tame, even if they've been "wild" their entire lives, and know instinctively to respond in gentle fashion to children offering apples. Since they can't take this injured horse back to the ranch, Tracy decides to take it to the old hermit's cabin in the woods, where no one ever goes, and she'll get a few bales of hay or whatever, which no one should miss. Sound familiar, anyone?

After about two weeks of caring for this horse, the wound is scabbed over and you'd think they could release Whitestar, but they don't. Tracy begins to recognize a special bond with the horse and begins to wonder if his super magical awesomeness is because he's got a little bit of thoroughbred in him, because thoroughbreds are the prettiest horses on earth it's not good enough for Whitestar to simply look like a mustang. Then Jason pops up. Jason would be Tracy's super hot snub-nosed, twelve-year-old love interest if Tracy was extremely bored and if they were older than twelve. Jason likes Tracy despite her braces and because she isn't like other girls. She is driven and humorless and Jason just can't get enough of it. So he promises to keep her secret and give her some supplies from his father's stables in exchange for a few favorable glances in his direction. Tracy is not without her feminine wiles, after all.

Eventually we get to summer and the three kids have sort of started to train the horse to accept a saddle and a bridle, and they're learning to ride at Jason's ranch. Then Tracy and Colin have to go to the dentist, which is the outing that is the secret's undoing. The ranch hands find Whitestar and drag him up to the ranch, where he's to await transportation to slaughter. Oooh, drama! Tracy and Colin immediately degenerate into tears, their father screams a lot about horses being worthless and nothing better than dog food, and unfortunately he can't get a hauler there fast enough to take the animal away. This leaves Tracy a two day window to do something, which includes more crying and screaming and melodrama.

It is finally revealed that Tracy's grandfather was killed by a wild stallion while he and her father were trying to break it to saddle. Tracy's dad went into a rage after watching his father be trampled to death, and decided to take out his anger first on the stallion and then on every horse after that. I was so betting on the wife, who died of an accident also. Well, I feel cheated. Anyway, Tracy can't stand it anymore because no matter how much she proves that Whitestar is a good stallion, her dad just starts screaming whenever he sees her try to touch the horse. Seriously, her dad needs get over it. Luckily for us he does, only too late. In classic fashion, he decides he's a giant asshole just after Tracy makes off with Whitestar and releases him to freedom. So the book ends at 2am in the middle of a meadow, Tracy all forlorn and her dad all "I'll get you any horse you want, and maybe Whitestar will come back, sweetie!" and she's all, "Yeah, screw you." You can just tell their relationship is fucked, and she'll have plenty of horses, but will need lots of future therapy.

Oddities:

• He lifted his injured leg as if it pained him. No kidding. Really? Who ever thought an injury might actually be painful?

• I don't think the words "tiny" and "wing" together with "ranch house" work very well. Am I supposed to believe these people are moderately wealthy and that their daughter occupies a wing of the house, or is wing supposed to be synonymous with room? Because it's not the same.

• Tracy's friend has a horse, and just guess what its name is. Guess. I'll put it in white inside parentheses just for added shock value. (Cindy.)

• Whitestar prances, which is supposed to remind Tracy that he is, after all, a wild horse. Let me tell you, there is nothing more threatening than prancing. If something prances near me I'm long gone.

• I'm trying to imagine a working ranch, including both sheep and cattle, without horses. I don't think you can completely replace a horse with a Jeep. Surely that would make things difficult.
  

...and I have nothing else to say about this. That's it, folks.

Caitlin: discovering the many purposes of cosmetics!

Caitlin

The Love Trilogy, Love Lost
Created by Francine Pascal
Written by Joanna Campbell
Published: 1985

These covers are pretty hideous, but it's a toss up between these and the reprints they made in the early 90s (yes, they actually republished these books for some unexplainable reason) involving photos of people attempting to act out these crazy scenes, so I'm not sure which ones are better. Here we've got another image of Caitlin's giant head hovering over the most infamous scene of the book, and quite possibly the series. Caitlin weeps in a gazebo while Jed stalks off in his white tuxedo, appearing to be walking down a very steep hill...or perhaps he's intentionally falling down...I can't really explain why his whole body is at that odd diagonal to the ground. Anyway. On to our melodramatic summary!

She'd stolen his love. Now she'd pay the price.

Caitlin. Beautiful. Dazzling. Charming. Outrageous. Rich. Unforgettable. And very, very clever. To everyone at her exclusive Virginia boarding school, she seems to have it all. But there is a secret need that haunts her life. A need for love.

None of the boys Caitlin's dated has ever made her feel so special or so wanted as Jed Michaels. Everything is perfect -- until the Highgate Prom, the night that suddenly becomes a nightmare. Has Jed discovered her terrifying secret, the lie that she's been living since the accident that crippled little Ian Foster and forced Diana Chasen to leave Highgate? And now Diana is hospitalized, dangerously ill and crushed with guilt over the accident she thinks she's caused. Only Caitlin knows the truth. How can she make amends? She has to save Diana, or she can never save herself -- or ever face Jed again.

When we last left Caitlin she'd decided she wasn't going to tell Jed about having accidentally poisoned and inadvertently crippled a child. She also decided that she was going to let Diana wallow in her misplaced guilt some more, because no matter how close Diana slips toward being committed for the rest of her life, Caitlin is still rich and privileged and above facing her fears. She has servants who do that for her, damn it! Besides, she's just so busy drowning her guilt-ridden sorrows in sappy declarations of love, fluttering hearts, and dazzling eyes lately that who are we to blame her? Caitlin's forgotten all about her conniving ways and is now a do-gooder, shoving sundaes down little Ian's throat and showering him with presents as she single-handedly pushes him through physical therapy.

So it's almost the end of the school year and everyone's all excited about prom and what they're going to do over the summer. Jed has invited Caitlin to his father's Montana ranch, which their friends aren't sure what to make of. People start to make fun of Caitlin breaking her perfect nails and wearing jodhpurs on a cattle ranch...clearly they do not recognize her transformation! Instead of snapping back some catty remark she just gazes at Jed, totally enamored and oblivious. Because they are IN LOVE and thus they have no time for petty infighting among their clique of followers.

Naturally, Caitlin's grandmother isn't too excited about her idea of going to Montana. Caitlin asks her and receives a "we'll talk about this after school ends." Caitlin doesn't seem to remember all her amazing efforts at persuasion in Loving, so she takes this time to feel dejected and disappointed because not getting an immediate "YES, oh GOD YES -- Go frolic in the Montana fields and skinny dip in the rivers!" is not good enough.

While Caitlin is off bemoaning her grandmother's delayed answer, Emily drops a bomb shell. Diana "has anorexia nervosa" and is in the hospital! However Caitlin doesn't have much time to let this nag at her, because her grandmother is back with a present: a red Nissan 280 ZX, an eighties car if ever there was one. Blinded by this ultimate show of material affection, Caitlin doesn't realize it's a bribe to get her to stay in Virginia for the summer. Jed is not so easily manipulated (um, of course not), but Caitlin ignores his worries. Instead they take the car back to Caitlin's mansion to drop off some boxes of books, and somehow that old poetry book containing the infamous letter winds up in the glove compartment. Because Caitlin is driving a sports car and needs gas every two minutes, they stop by a gas station and Caitlin foolishly leaves Jed with the car. Naturally he finds the letter, briefly considers destroying something with his bare hands, and then decides that breaking up with her now is too easy. Oh, no...he's going to wait for the prom, when he can most easily punish her!

During the prom Jed acts like an asshole who can't decide if he's attracted to Caitlin or disgusted by her. He's purposely late to pick Caitlin up, making snide comments at her expense whenever he can, but dances with her and acts like he's touching acid. It is so VERY uncomfortable. Everything comes to a head at the party afterward...when he tries to rape her in a gazebo. NO KIDDING. I'll transcribe some sections of that a little later, because it's priceless. However, his intrinsic goodness stops him from "using" her, which has got to be the silliest term for raping someone I've ever heard. Basically: "Stop!" "No, I'm going to use you!" Yeah. So, Caitlin starts crying hysterically, Jed vaguely alludes to what she's done to cause him to want to, um, rape her, and then he stalks off while Caitlin pretends to not understand what he's talking about.

After the lovely night in the gazebo, Caitlin goes home for the summer and finds out that not only is Diana anorexic, she's had a mental breakdown and is in some special hospital or whatever. I'm just waiting for someone to break out the phrase "loony bin" at this point. So Caitlin comes up with a plan. Follow along closely here, because it's pretty crazy:

1. dress up like an anemic librarian who hasn't seen the sun in fifty years (look accomplished with a severe ponytail, pale lipstick, pale powder, blue eyeshadow, dark foundation to apply under the eyes, and fake glasses)
2. wear baggy jeans to hide her glamorous figure
3. while wearing costume, become a volunteer at Diana's hospital
4. while wearing costume, cure Diana of anorexia without revealing who she actually is

Seriously. It's such a fantastic plan that I am SO SURE it will work! If not, I'm sure step five will be "prepare for lawsuit."

Caitlin proceeds to volunteer as "Karen Martin" and is assigned the task of bringing reading material to the patients, thereby starting on her task of finding Diana by checking every room in the hospital and offering reading material to whomever she finds inside. She finally finds Diana after two days of work, and it appears she wouldn't need a disguise because Diana's basically just a blond heap in a hospital bed, spending all her time staring vacantly at a wall. Yes, good times.

Caitlin decides to camp out next to Diana's bed, but nothing changes until Caitlin starts to vehemently tell Diana that it wasn't her fault. It was m...someone else's! That, of course, does the trick. Diana's no longer a vegetable. Once Diana's cogent, she sees through Caitlin's disguise without much trouble, but of course keeps this secret. THEN, Caitlin runs into the hospital director who of course had a relationship with her mother and is most probably her father. Only he has no clue Caitlin's mother is dead and was driven away by Caitlin's bitch of a grandmother. Oh, how will things turn out for our intrepid characters?

Caitlin tells Diana all about the incident with the shed and Diana immediately forgives her. We all saw that coming, so now Caitlin can finally wash off all that make up and go back to being glamorous. Diana's practically set to be canonized at this point. Diana tells Lawrence about Caitlin's admission, who reacts by immediately hitting on Caitlin. Jed still hates/loves/is prepared to rape Caitlin. Caitlin still sort of loves Jed, but now also really likes Lawrence. The hospital director, Gordon Westwood, reveals that he's Caitlin's father and Caitlin flips out and rejects him. Caitlin's grandmother reacts by showering her with more materialistic affection that Caitlin mistakes as actual love (hello pretty dress and black pearls!).

Now everyone is set to reconvene at Highgate. Caitlin with her new boyfriend, Jed still fresh with the rage, and poor Gordon will probably be stalking Caitlin and watching her sleep through her dorm window as he slowly slips into madness.

Oddities:

• Bret, with his tall, dark looks, and Dorothy, sleek and blond... I was just waiting for some comment on how they were perfect because their looks are so different, a la Brad and Lavinia, only I forgot that only Jed and Caitlin matter in this series. Silly me!

• Shouldn't you ask someone's permission before you start to shine fruit on their pants?

• The decor in Caitlin's mansion is ice green and peach with Louis XIV gilded furnishings. I'll just let that sink in for a minute.

• Who actually says "she has anorexia nervosa" when you're gossiping about someone?

• Is Joanna Campbell trying to tell me that rich boarding school kids don't have phones in their rooms and have to use pay phones in the dorm hallways? Really? Is this possible?

• Apparently Jed is so pissed off he's talked to no one and has gone into seclusion in Montana to round up cattle all day. Man, when people self-destruct in this series they don't hold anything back.

• I love how everyone's writing letters as means of communication. It's like these people have never heard of a phone.

• She was on a mission of good, convinced fate wouldn't allow anything to go wrong. Yeah, Caitlin, you and fate are on the outs recently, remember? You crippled a boy, your boyfriend found out about it and tried to rape you...you know? Perhaps you should quit while you're marginally not totally embarrassed and/or sexually assaulted.

And here's the scene we've all been waiting for:

But instead of gently caressing her back as he'd always done before, his touch was much rougher, more insistent. He pulled her tightly against his chest as he trailed a stream of kisses down her neck to the edge of the bodice of her dress.

They'd been together like this before, but this time Caitlin sensed something different in Jed -- an urgency that almost scared her.

But this was Jed, she told herself, her wonderful Jed. There was nothing to be afraid of. She wanted to enjoy his touch and his kisses.

His touch grew more daring.

His hand on her waist moved slowly upward. As his mouth recaptured hers, his hand reached the neckline of her gown.

"Oh!" she cried involuntarily against his mouth.

"Shhh," he whispered. "Let me touch you, Caitlin. . . let me. I love you so much."

His words were almost hypnotic. She couldn't deny the shivers of excitement that rippled through her body at his touch.

Caitlin felt her back arching and heard herself moan. Slowly, gradually, he leaned her back against the cushions. His hand drifted back down over her midriff, over her hip, and the skirt of her gown.

Again, Caitlin tried to protest, but again he silenced her with his mouth as his hand began moving in gentle circles. She was trembling with the sensations he was bringing her. She wanted him to stop -- yet something inside her wouldn't allow her to protest.

Sensing her resistance, he brought his lips up to her ear. "Caitlin, I love you. Let me show you. I've wanted to do this for so long."

"We can't, Jed. We can't."

"I'll be careful. Don't worry."

"No--I can't!"

"You love me, don't you?" he persisted.

"Oh, of course. Of course, I love you."

"We belong together...we always will. Between us it's good, it's beautiful."

"Oh, Jed, Jed," she cried.

He kissed her again, but this time his kiss was hard, violent. She felt as if he were bruising her mouth, and she tried to pull away.

"Stop, Jed. Stop!" She pressed her hands against his chest.

"Not now, Caitlin. Not now, I need you...I need you too much."

This isn't how it's supposed to be, something inside Caitlin cried. She'd dreamed of the day she'd finally give her love to Jed -- but not like this!

He began kissing her neck, but his kisses were almost painful. "You're such a tease, Caitlin...such a tease," he murmured. She could barely hear him. Her heart was beating in panic. "You'd use anyone to get what you want, wouldn't you?"

No, she couldn't have heard him correctly. What was he talking about?

"Now, I'm going to use you."

"No! No, Jed. Stop! I don't want this! Please!"

- End dramatic date rape attempt! -

We'll be finishing up the Love Trilogy with True Love, in which I'm sure everyone figures out who really loves whom and for what reasons, a little later. Right now I think my eyes are too scarred to continue promptly.

A Horse of Her Own: in which Joanna Campbell tests her theory of old man helps horse crazy girl equals championship gold!

A Horse of Her Own
by Joanna Campbell
Published: 1988

Today A Horse of Her Own arrived in my mailbox. (Yes, that means I purchased it, and yes I know I've apparently gone nuts...but just wait. It gets worse.) It's a remarkably short book -- only 118 pages -- but the story is fairly simple. There's not a whole lot going on, but there are a few things to take note of given how this book came out a few short years before A Horse Called Wonder.

Nothing to complain about, really. It's a horse. It's a bay. The girl's outfit doesn't totally offend my eyes, and the scene is relevant to the story. Moving on to the freakishly correct summary:

Making dreams come true

Penny Rodgers loves horses more than anything, but her parents say lessons are a waste of money. Penny is determined to ride, though, and asks a neighbor if she can work with his horse. Bones looks like a sorry old animal, but Penny knows what a lot of love and hard work can do.

Soon Penny is spending all her free time grooming and training Bones with her best friend, Jan. This is the best summer of her life -- until her parents tell her that once school starts she has to stop "playing" with Bones. Somehow, Penny has to prove to her parents that riding isn't just a game -- it's the most important thing in the world to her. Now she just has to do well at the end-of-summer horse show. Not only is the blue ribbon on the line, but her lifelong dreams as well!

Okay, to the plot!

Penny is your average 13-year-old horse crazy girl with way more motivation than she knows what to do with. Jan is her partner in crime. However, quite possibly for the first time ever, Jan is the more accomplished rider, having ridden since she was around eight, and takes lessons regularly. Sure, Penny might be better, but given that her parents don't have the money for lessons we'll never know. As it stands at the beginning of the book, Jan is the one who not only supports the main character with her friendship, she's instrumental to Penny's plans! No kidding. I was shocked also.

The book starts off with Penny wanting horseback riding lessons. So bad. But Penny's mom, who spends every free moment inspecting her check book, won't let her. She just doesn't understand Penny's giant ordeal, so Penny takes this opportunity to walk down the road to stare at the only horse in her suburban area of Connecticut. Connecticut must be lacking in horses, but that's besides the point. While she's staring at this nondescript bay horse, she decides that she's going to act on every single day dream she's ever had about this horse and ask its owner if she can "take care of it" and ride it and such. Luckily for her the owner, one Mr. Billings, is an old man who doesn't care what she does or how much times she wastes. He lets her have at it, while also warning her that the horse doesn't do much of anything and has never been ridden before. Penny, who doesn't know what she's doing, immediately enlists Jan's help. They clean the horse (whose name is Bones, which I do find absurdly cute) up and Jan finds some used tack for Penny to purchase, as well as acting as Penny's expert regarding all things horsey.

Between the two girls, they get Bones adjusted to a saddle in a matter of a couple of weeks and begin to get him used to a rider. After their first successful walk around the paddock with Penny in the saddle, Mr. Billings congratulates them in a way that seems a little too similar to Charlie Burke, and then tells Penny that he has a surprise for her waiting in the barn. What is the surprise? 100 pounds of grain! Yay! And in another really weird Ashleigh and Charlie moment, Penny comes rushing out of the barn to thank Mr. Billings, who's already walking back to the house and waving her off. So now she doesn't have to pay for grain and can pay for shoeing instead. Things are certainly falling into place for Penny.

Only then her parents start getting worried because now she's "too busy" and is getting behind on her chores. Her little brother decides to help her out a little by doing some of her chores in exchange for the use of her "cassette player and headphones" when she's not around. In any case, her parents decide to give her through the summer to work all she likes with Bones. But when school starts up again, she'll have to limit it to weekends. Naturally this is not acceptable to Penny, being horse crazy, so she's determined to improve and show her parents how much it means to her to ride.

Penny and Jan cook up their grand plan to convince Penny's parents that riding is all Penny wants to do: win the end-of-summer show! So they start training both Penny and Bones to jump, with the assistance of Mr. Billings, who's helping without being asked and trying to hide the fact that he enjoys it. Sound familiar? Penny is like the daughters and granddaughters he never had (not to say he doesn't have them...he's just disappointed in them).

Eventually reality starts to get shoved to the side and Penny is working at five foot jumps by mid-summer. She at least doesn't do this perfectly, so that's all I can really say about that. By the time they're clearing pretty good jumps, Jan works it out so Penny can exercise Bones over the jumps at her stable, but when they get there Bones doesn't perform. Instead he's reacting to all the other horses, being attention starved of horses for so long, and Mary Lou (our resident riding school bitch) starts to taunt them enough for Penny to ask Jan for her crop. Yeah, that's a few thousand steps away from normal for Joanna's books. Penny touches Bones on the shoulder with it, immediately gets his attention, and off they go...taking the course at the stable perfectly. I am pretty shocked by this development, I have to admit. The main character in a Joanna book asks for a crop, uses the crop responsibly, doesn't cry about it, and gets a positive result. Who knew she was capable of this? I certainly didn't.

The riding instructor at the stable suggests that Penny enter Bones in the Junior Advanced show, but she thinks that's pushing it and enters in the Intermediate. (Clearly I'm reading too much of Cindy because I expected her to take the instructor's advice for a minute.) But, a week before the show Bones gets a superficial cut on his leg! Gasp! He heals up and Penny takes him to the show and they win. And Jan wins (or, at least, it's heavily implied) her advanced class. And the antagonist wins her class (weirdly enough). Then Penny's parents miraculously understand how much riding means to her and allow Mr. Billings to give her Bones, with his help for board and feed. The end.

Oddities:

• "Oh, go away, Gregg. You're such a pain." Normally this little piece of dialogue wouldn't be an issue, only it is because Penny and her friend, Jan, say it in unison. Unless this is like their prearranged plan regarding Gregg it is impossible.

• "Well so are you two. All you talk about is horses - yuk." Well, our most prevalent theme has reared its ugly head in the first chapter. It makes me curious if Joanna Campbell had the same conflict with her ex-husband. I'm betting she did considering he traded Moe for that motorcycle. (WHY do I remember these things?)

• Now, you'd think Gregg would become a major antagonist, but he doesn't. In fact, he disappears after proclaiming that horses are yucky.

• Ah, finally. Jan tells Penny that she's a natural at riding and is picking it up faster than she did. Of course she did. She's the main character! They always have to be supernaturally good at this stuff.

• Oh, man, Mr. Billings calls Penny "Missy."

• Just as Penny starts getting super confident (on her first day of jumping, no less) she tries to go over a makeshift jump that's two and a half feet tall. Thankfully she falls and her ego returns to normal.

• Wow, another antagonist. I didn't see that coming. Mary Lou rides at the same stable as Jan, and she's the kind of girl who "smiles snidely" at the mistakes of others. Then Penny takes to calling her Miss Boots because this girl is obsessed with her expensive riding boots. I find this odd. If only Joanna's other antagonists had strange nicknames. I can't help but wonder what Brad's would have been.

• Again we have another scene involving a backfiring car. Penny doesn't hear the backfire, but "old Bones here sure must have." The whole exchange between Mr. Billings and Penny is directly from Battlecry Forever, or should I say it's the other way around?

• "My money's on you in the show!" says Penny's brother. Penny replies, "Oh, Jimmy. You watch too much TV." I don't think she gets what he's saying. Anyway, that response comes flying out of nowhere.

• Get ready for it: Penny uses a crop on Bones again! During the show she uses it to get attention. I really cannot understand what caused the change between this book and the Thoroughbred Series. It's like night and day.
  

• For as often as Penny's parents worry about their lack of money, the ending, when Penny is given Bones, is remarkably irrational. Even if Mr. Billings insists on helping her out with board and feed.

You know, I'm actually not regretting the $4 I spent on this. Yes, Penny probably advances further than is possible given she's being coached by her friend, and yes the story is simple and ends rather unrealistically, but it's a horse story and the main character is actually nice and doesn't freak out at crops or use a crop and then cry about it. Nor does she obsess over winning. It's a nice little breath of fresh air before I finish up the Cindy books with another installment featuring scowling, whining, crying, demonstrating an irritating inability to listen to medical professionals, and shrieks of pain (from Cindy, and most likely myself).

Battlecry: give him a kiss and he'll kick you in the teeth.

Battlecry Forever
by Joanna Campbell
Published: 1992
Republished: 1998, 2007

I've been curious about the new edition of Battlecry Forever for a while now, so when I got it from the library I made sure to get the 2007 copy published through Stabenfeldt and printed in, of all places, Germany. It also has a new cover, which I have provided.

This is what we're used to. The old Paul Casale oil painting of the big black horse being ridden by someone who can't possibly be 5'3" and looks like she might teeter right off and into the water at any second. Frankly, I always loved everything about this cover besides the girl. She looks like she has just about as much experience as a friend of mine who once tried to ride a horse like she was sitting in a lounge chair.

Anyway, moving on to 2007...

New cover art provided by one Jennifer Bell. I have yet to discover the reason behind the new artwork, but I'm assuming it must have been a copyright issue considering how similar the covers are. Honestly, I almost like the new one better as the girl is at least attempting to ride the horse in a manner a racing thoroughbred would be ridden. I also like her outfit about 100% more than the horrible early nineties attire and cowboy boots (please, this takes place on Long Island) in the original cover.

15-year-old Leslie can have any horse she wants; her parents own stables where they train retired Thoroughbred racers to become pleasure horses. But the only horse Leslie wants is Battlcry [sic], a racer everyone else has given up on. "He's wild... untrainable," they tell her.

Leslie knows Battlecry is so much more than that. Beneath his unpredictable behavior is a spirited horse that would give his all to win races again -- for Leslie.

Finally Leslie's parents give Battlecry a chance to prove his worth. Leslie doesn't know that by entering him in a race, she'll risk losing him forever...

Yes, it would tell you the production quality of this company when they've got typos in their back cover summaries; there are typos in the text as well.

Here's the original summary:

"Battlecry is a loser."

Fifteen-year-old Leslie D'Andrea can have any horse she wants—her parents own stables where they train retired Thoroughbreds to become pleasure riders. But the only horse Leslie wants is Battlecry, a racer everyone else has given up on as wild and untrainable.

Leslie knows Battlecry is something more. Beneath his unpredictable behavior is a spirited horse who would give his all to win races again—for her.

Finally Leslie's parents give Battlecry a chance to prove his worth. Leslie doesn't know that by entering Battlecry in a race, she'll risk losing him forever...

So, plot wise? This one is pretty well done. Leslie D'Andrea lives on Long Island, almost right on the beach (hence our two covers), at D'Andrea Farm. The farm is unique in that it's a not-for-profit rescue operation on top of a thoroughbred training facility (not to mention an accidental breeding farm, but we'll get to that in a second). The book opens up at an auction in New Jersey, where most of the horses are being sold off to slaughterhouses. Leslie's father is looking to buy a few horses for the rescue operation, and there's Battlecry. Leslie immediately goes for the horse, but her father is a tougher sell. Battlecry is a known terror among New York racing circles, coming in dead last in all his previous races. In a last minute bid, they win the horse at auction for just over $400 and take him home to Long Island, where he's initially planned for gelding and retraining as a jumper, but mainly is interested in mares and proceeds to get three of them in foal by accident.

But, being in general a very blonde, blue-eyed version of Ashleigh Griffen, Leslie halts these plans in their tracks when it becomes apparent that Battlecry has some racing talent buried deep down. Leslie convinces her father to give her two months to turn the stallion around, and she manages to successfully train Battlecry to the point where he's able to race. His first time out in a maiden race he circles the field and sets a new track record (of course) and then he does it again in an allowance race at Belmont Park. So, two track records broken everyone starts to think big time. They enter him in the Nassau County Handicap at the suggestion of Nick Bates, who's been Battlecry's number one fan behind Leslie, and he races off to win and equal the track record. All of this, naturally, without the aid of a crop.

Then we have our two stumbling points in the story. The first is easily overcome: some famous racing family wants to buy Battlecry for $500,000. Nick Bates says no way. Leslie says no way. Leslie's mom says no way. So they don't accept the offer. Battlecry stays! The second is more difficult: Battlecry has to be scratched before the New England Classic because he's such a jerk in the gate that he injures himself.

Meanwhile, Leslie is having some friendship drama with Kim, who's off fraternizing with a college drop out. When it becomes obvious that the guy is a jerk who's mentally abused her and treated their relationship as an open one when Kim thought it was exclusive, Kim whips up to Leslie's house in her Jeep (obviously it's a Jeep, this is a Joanna Campbell book) and winds up getting into a shouting match because Kim is still disillusioned and Leslie is bitter because she's nearly lost her friend. They patch this up pretty quickly around the end of the book. ANYWAY.

Battlecry wins the Iselin Handicap, only he comes out of it exhausted and feverish. So he's all boring and blah for several weeks before he perks up again. Then they supplement him into the Breeders' Cup Classic and he wins that, only winds up collapsing after the race after a massive coronary drops him dead. I remember being devastated about this when I was eleven, so I'll give the book extra points for my very vivid memories of sobbing my eyes out and wishing I'd never read it.

Then the first of Battlecry's few babies is born -- Son of Battle, who is born in late December, and thus would have his entire racing career screwed unless Leslie's parents hid the foal's actual birth date from the Jockey Club. Although Leslie is somewhat happy again at the birth of the foal, so the book ends on a good note.

Oddities:

• There is no antagonist in this book, although with Battlecry's antics I don't think one was really needed.
  

• However, because there is no antagonist in the book, there is no serious second plotline. So the book is fairly dull. Battlecry is retrained, Battlecry wins the races he's entered in, Battlecry dies. Yay, suspense!

• I really love Leslie's dad. He's just about the most realistic character Joanna Campbell ever wrote, despite his preference for saying "gee" in a serious context.

• Again with the refusal to use a crop. Obviously it's more impressive for horses to win because they're encouraged with only a hand ride, but when does this ever happen consistently?

• Two broken track records, and one equaled track record out of five starts. I don't think any more needs to be said.

• I really love Battlecry's attitude. Out of all the horses Joanna Campbell ever wrote, she finally got a racehorse's most common personality right: absolute, priceless arrogance with no patience for sentimentality.
  

I always expected a sequel to this book featuring Son of Battle, but instead we got the crossover in Ashleigh's Dream, which is unfortunate because Leslie is probably a stronger character than Ashleigh & Co. In fact, if Battlecry Forever had been a series I definitely would have been obsessed with it and I probably would have wanted to see a whole lot more of Nick Bates.

Thus ends, like, the third or fourth review of the day.

Caitlin: manipulating everyone for her own selfish pleasure since 1985

Caitlin
The Love Trilogy #1, Loving
Created by Francine Pascal, written by Joanna Campbell
Originally Published: 1985

Caitlin won't wait for him to love her

Caitlin. Beautiful. Dazzling. Charming. Rich. And very, very clever. To everyone at her exclusive Virginia boarding school, she seems to have it all. But there is a secret need that haunts her life. A need for love.

Only one boy can make her forget her cold home life, can fulfill her need for love: handsome, sensitive Jed Michaels. Jed, who has already given his heart to another girl.

Still, headstrong Caitlin is determined to win him for herself, one way or another. But then a tragedy occurs, a terrible event that has such far-reaching consequences that not even she can deal with them. Will Caitlin lose Jed forever, or can she find a way out of the horrible ordeal?

The other day I was wandering through the online catalog for the city's public library system and ran across two novels written by Joanna Campbell that I'd never heard of before. These were part of the Caitlin series (three trilogies, the first entitled the "Love Trilogy" including Loving, Love Lost and True Love), which our beloved Joanna Campbell did, in fact, write back before Thoroughbred. So I couldn't help myself. I had to have them. Immediately.

So let's start off. Caitlin Ryan is the most popular junior at Highgate, a prestigious prep school in rural Virginia. Her life is perfect and every girl clamors for her attention, quite willing to be stepped on and used if it means Caitlin might favor her with a glance every so often. The boys are in love with her. Every single freaking one of them. Caitlin likes to call herself an orphan, as she was raised by her grandmother, a mining magnate, who has no love in her cold, withered heart for the girl that killed her daughter in child birth. Not to mention Caitlin's father abandoned her, but that piece of information is too awful for her to tell anyone because it just doesn't fit into the image she's fashioned for herself at Highgate, where Bentleys litter the parking lots and make the occasional "Mercedes look like a Honda."

Jed is the new heartthrob recently arrived from Montana, and Caitlin is quick to pounce. Only in a pathetically desperate, manipulative way that sends Jed packing for Diana, the nearest normal girl who wears all the wrong colors and probably will drive a Honda when she gets her drivers' license. Yes, horror of horrors, Jed falls for the girl attending Highgate on scholarship! It looks like showing off on her horse (Jed pays too much attention to the horse! Damn it!), willfully manufacturing damp eyes and batting her eyelashes (he is impervious to manipulation!), and flirting nonstop just don't do it for Jed.

Completely blindsided by why Jed would pick a mousy, plain, unfashionable girl to shower with his masculine attention, Caitlin backpedals and decides to go after the girl. Because that's the classy thing to do. Inviting everyone to Ryan Acres...or Estate...or whatever the hell her grandmother's lavish countryside manor is called, Caitlin first tries to knock Diana out of the loop by casually forgetting to invite her. Then Jed's cousin invites her anyway. Caitlin essentially decrees that fine, she will allow Diana to attend her party because she'll have the chance to upstage her. That pathetic, unspoiled, non-rich, average girl will cower in the face of her wealth and general superiority! Unfortunately that backfires in her face also, and Jed just gets closer to Diana. It appears Jed is unaffected by black leather pants and pissy attitude!

Then all hell breaks loose. Caitlin's big event -- a male beauty contest -- needs a pitchfork. Like, now. Despite the fact that they're only going through a rehearsal, they absolutely have to have this flipping pitchfork. So Caitlin breaks into a shed in the back of one of the faculty member's houses, takes the pitchfork, and stalks back to the rehearsal, fuming the entire way because Diana has Jed! Damn that unsophisticated bitch! Then before we know it an ambulance is called. As it turns out, the faculty member's kid got into the unlocked shed and started wolfing down poison, as eight-year-olds are so wont to do, and falls into a coma. Horrors! The big twist? Diana was babysitting the kid! Shock! And Diana can't handle it. She literally goes into shock and then the kid's parents arrive and pretty much spit in Diana's face and then Diana's parents come along and flip out about how they never should have thrown her in with all these spoiled rich kids and take her away. Despite Jed trying to keep Diana away from her parents because her mother will "drive her right over the edge." Right over the edge and into insanity!

So, like, weeks later Caitlin is eating her breakfast prepared by her maids and reads the newspaper. She finds out that the kid was poisoned! Discovering that it was she who left the shed unlocked, Caitlin flips out and has herself a good chaotic ride on her grandmother's craziest horse. A la Brad Townsend with Nightengale and Caroline Griffen with a car. I suppose this is the only way Joanna's characters handle personal tragedy. So Caitlin covers her manic behavior with the fact that everyone forgot her birthday. (You see, Caitlin's busy feeling sorry for herself because Jed and her grandmother didn't come to her male beauty contest...those self-absorbed assholes. How dare they hurt Caitlin's feelings!)

Wracked by guilt, Caitlin avoids Jed for weeks. Jed, in turn, decides to come on to her. They start to go out. Caitlin decides she won't tell anyone about her unlocking the shack because she figures Diana will get over it and be happy in her new school. Three months pass. She tells Jed all about her horrible home life (Days alone in a mansion with servants, but no love...poor, poor girl. Feel her desperation! Feel it!). Jed takes this moment to support her and then grope her. Touched by his...um, feeling, Caitlin can no longer go on with her charade. Diana has left her new school and is apparently two steps away from a straight jacket, so she must tell him! Bravely putting the truth in a letter, she meets him at lunch and is about to give him the letter when he starts in on his anger about what happened with Diana. Caitlin decides not to give him the letter, because he's so angry about Diana giving him the letter will just make him more angry with her! As if he wouldn't be already. She goes back to her dorm room, sticks the letter in a book of love poems (how lovely) and decides to wait until they know each other better and are committed, or something. Because telling him after they've had sex and are living together and about to get married is clearly the better course of action.

Now, the best quote of the book:
“I love you, Jed.” She let him pull her closer, and his mouth covered hers, she was enveloped again in a dizzying cloud of happiness, until his hand slid slowly, gently over her breast and down the curve of her hip. She tensed. The subtle pressure of his hand made her aware of where they were heading.

But don't worry, they're sixteen. I'm sure they save the sex for some angry scene in book 2, when he surly finds out about the letter. More on Caitlin's exploits later!

I give you Whitebrook's wonder horse: TB #14: Cindy's Glory

Cindy's Glory
Thoroughbred #14
by Joanna Campbell
Original Publication: 1995

I'm pretty convinced this book set the standard for Karen Bentley, as this is Joanna Campbell's last book. It's filled to the brim with enough general racing information, horse training technique and sixth grade math to bore one to tears. But don't worry, we've got our typical happy ending as well.

I give you the cover:


This cover was always pretty blah to me, but its only now that I'm struck by how Saddle Club it is. Not that there's anything wrong about the Saddle Club. It's just that, look, Glory is sold at the Keeneland January sale. The Keeneland January sale doesn't involve yellow handpainted banners, nylon halters, and dumpy women wearing sweatshirts, okay? It just doesn't.

Will Cindy and Glory both be able to stay at Whitebrook Farm?

Cindy Blake couldn't be happier, now that she lives at Whitebrook Farm. When her adoption is final, Cindy will finally have a loving home with the McLean family. And Glory, the stolen colt that Cindy rescued from abuse, shows more promise as a racehorse every day.
But suddenly Cindy's worst nightmares begin to come true. First her adoption is not approved. Then Glory's real owner puts the colt on the auction block. Will Whitebrook Farm and her beloved Glory soon be just another memory for Cindy?

One little note about this blurb: Cindy's adoption isn't rejected, it's just slow to finalize and they have to go through an interview. That's pretty much it.

Plots:

1. Glory. Specifically: secretly training Glory. The entire book, which covers about two months and a week, is about two eleven-year-old girls trying to condition a two-year-old racehorse. Sound implausible? Yeah, it really does. There's a lot of talk about how Cindy doesn't really know what she's doing, and how to the best of her knowledge she thinks she's doing things right and oh, if Mike and Ian find out what she's doing people will be pissed off and you know what? She's right about everything and no one gets mad and she gets her horse in the end. Yay, Cindy. Yeah. Moving on.

2. I'd say the adoption plot, but really it wasn't a plot as a mere blip on the screen.

Oddities:

• Then Glory jumped the fence and escaped into Whitebrook land. -- I know Joanna means to imply that the land is Whitebrook's possession, but the way it's worded seems like Whitebrookland! A happy, wonderful place filled with butterflies and rainbows!

• Yet again no one is standing up during the races. I really find this phenomenon quite intriguing as I don't think it's possible for people so invested in these races to remain sitting the entire time.

• Don't you love how whenever something bad happens everyone suspects Lavinia? She's not even at the race and they're all making with the shifty eyes after Ashleigh's stirrup snaps off and whispering, "Maybe it was Lavinia!" Yeah. Right. Because she really cares when her horse isn't involved. Uh-huh.

• Again with the fried chicken. Only this time it's baked instead of fried, which seems to imply then that it hasn't been fried at all because what would be the point if it's already been baked? Someone please explain this to me!

• Why the hell are they allowing an eleven-year-old kid without much formal training take a two-year-old racehorse out on a trail without supervision? Nevermind that it's a racehorse they don't own? Sounds like a real smart plan there, Whitebrook people.

• Joanna really got into the whole the horse tosses his head "as if to say" yay! or I am such a badass! or I love you so much you tiny, idiot girl! thing.

• Yes, Cindy. Glory isn't winded because you only cantered him down a lane for a few minutes. I've ridden teenaged ex-broodmares who've accomplished the same. Please shut up already.

• Okay, look. I'm a librarian. I get the huge power of information and all that crap, but I also know that you're not going to train a racehorse successfully because you read a book about it. This is sort of why I always wanted Glory to kick Cindy in the head.

• Ah, Angelique is still around. I imagine that's an interesting side story that was never told. And, of course, Yvonne beats Angelique in their show because the blond antagonists never win as a rule.

• Wow, what a coinkydink. Glory actually is a Glory! The astonishments never cease.

• Okay, Ian rules out training Glory because he figures the attorneys for the owner's estate wouldn't allow it. But he sees no problem in letting his eleven-year-old foster child with little to no experience ride the horse. Yes. I know. The gap in thought is tremendous.

• Mandy, an 8-year-old, is calling Cindy "girl." That...is very awkward.

• Yeah, Cindy, Heather's carrying a measuring tape a quarter of a mile long. Didn't you see her hauling it around with her on the trail? To Heather's credit, her answer to Cindy's stupid question is "no, of course not." Good for you, Heather. Way not to be an idiot.

• Okay, now the random populace is driving around in Jeep Cherokees. Seriously. What is it with the Jeep Cherokee? How crazed can one be over a car?

• So Blues King goes from retired to going back into racing in the spring. Just like he went from being a gelding to a stallion and from coming in second in the Breeders' Cup Sprint to winning it.

• The great saving grace for this book: Cindy completely fails to breeze Glory in front of everyone on the training oval. Like, epic fail.

• Of course, after Glory does his magic everyone convinces Ian to focus more on their next "wonder horse" than to discipline Cindy because that would involve, you know, parenting.

• The magic number for this installment is 10,000. Unfortunately Glory is sold for $12,000, ruining the consistency and importance of the number 10,000, but otherwise it's said like once a chapter for 3/4 of the book.

So that's it, guys. There's Joanna Campbell's 14 volumes of relative fame. Now we get to go through the maddening process of rewriting Cindy, hauling Brad back into the fold and making him a twit, and making every horse the "fastest horse in the world!"

I betcha Joanna Campbell didn't think that "wonder horse" comment was going to come back and bite the series on the ass.