Faith in an Extreme Long Shot

Faith in a Long Shot
Thoroughbred #57
by Alice Leonhardt

Does Image have what it takes to make Melanie's derby dreams come true?

Melanie and Jazz couldn't be more thrilled when Image comes in second in the Florida Derby. This is just the kind of proof they've been waiting for -- Image is ready to race in the big leagues! With high hopes, they decide to enter her to race in the ultimate competition: the Kentucky Derby.

Image has proven she has what it takes to win against other colts. But her competition at the derby will be really tough. Image will be running against Wonder's Star, Gratis, and Celtic Mist. Winning is a long shot. Does Melanie have enough faith in Image to make her derby dreams come true?

This summary misses the main point of the book, which is People Be Jealous. Otherwise, I suppose it's accurate. The cover, on the other hand, is composed based on all those winning shots of Kentucky Derby winners past, but in that style that makes you want to walk up to the artist and yell, "Since when do black horses look gray. Since when?" I'm having a hard time understanding this style's ability to depict black correctly. It's kind of basic. Then there's that buckskin in the background, which does make me a little ragey, I admit. They are running in front of a crowd that is wearing a lot of orange, blue and green. It does a good job of indicating the attendance of the race, but otherwise the colors amuse me. And Melanie's silks. Music notes on a field of green must be very hard to remember or draw...either way, she most certainly is not wearing red and blue.

But moving on...because pointing out the flaws of the covers and summaries is often like shooting fish in a barrel, right? Let's focus on the book, because Melanie is insistent on driving Image to Keeneland for the Ashland Stakes. For all of us wondering, that puts us back in April. So, that means that the events of Derby Fever have already happened, but Cindy's Last Hope is currently happening, and Great Expectations will happen...in May. Those being the three books leading up to Faith in a Long Shot. (Don't get me started on Hoofprints in the Snow.)

So, Image is entered in the Ashland Stakes after coming in second in the Florida Derby. Melanie starts to sense some attitude coming from the Whitebrook camp when she finds out that Ashleigh didn't want to put Catwink up against Image in the Ashland, and so decided to enter her in a claiming race because "Catwink needs it." I don't know why, exactly, but there you go. Impetus for drama ahead! Image wins handily, spurring Jazz into making crazy-eyed comments to similarly crazy-eyed reporters that this horse is running in the Kentucky Derby. OOOOOMG, says everyone. And then Melanie gets all crazy-eyed angry that Jazz hauled off and told everyone when she wasn't prepared for that sort of...reality? I thought they were thinking Kentucky Derby since Florida, but apparently this is news to Melanie.

Back at the shedrow, some guy tells Melanie that she doesn't know what she's in for with the media. They are relentless vultures that she cannot hope to handle, because she is a) a girl and her horse is also b) a girl. Also? The other Derby entrants are boys. OOOOOMG girls vs. boys! It's the biggest headline ever, because sex battles are the best. Everyone knows this. Melanie brushes him off. Surely the media frenzy for the Kentucky Derby won't be that bad, she thinks to herself. Surely!

And then she discovers that Catwink was claimed, which is somehow Melanie's fault because no one can trust Ashleigh to make a sound business decision if her life depended on it. Dear Ashleigh: if you want to keep your horse, totally and completely, don't enter it in a claiming race. You're not cut out for that type of gamble. But anyway, now Melanie thinks this is all her fault. Racing Image in anything means that Whitebrook will get screwed over, and then she realizes OOOOMG I'm racing Image against Star in the Derby! What will become of us all?!

So then we need Jazz to step in and tell Melanie that when he got famous, all of his previous friends who couldn't handle it got all butthurt and jealous of his success. People Be Jealous, he says. But that's okay, we're better than them. Did he lose a lot of friends chasing his dreams? Yes. Tons of them. They dropped like flies. But don't let that stop you from being a special snowflake, dammit! Melanie tentatively takes this advice and proceeds with plans to run Image in the Derby, despite what she feels is an increasingly icy atmosphere at Whitebrook. So icy, she stops riding Image on the track because that is apparently where Christina spends every waking moment relentlessly racing Star against the clock.

Compounding matters is the media frenzy. Because Whitebrook employs two people and lets random passersby wander their paddocks, the farm is trampled by reporters desperate for interviews and photo opportunities. Ashleigh has a meltdown about Whitebrook not being able to handle the attention. They've never had to go through this before! Ever! (Um, yeah.) And it's all Melanie's fault for entering an unworthy filly in the Derby as a distraction! Melanie tells reporters that she wouldn't have entered Image if she didn't think she could beat all the colts, upsetting Christina's delicate sensibilities, and causing to deepen the rift. And then Christina nearly runs over a reporter with her car, crossing the line between innocent girl we should feel sorry for and assault with a deadly weapon (vehicular.)

At school, Melanie is told she sucks at chemistry, and so she decides that she will force Parker into tutoring her. Because apparently he is back from England, although I was pretty sure he was supposed to be training for Burghley. But whatever. Apparently he has time to skip back and tutor Melanie in chemistry so he can hang around Whitebrook and make eyes at Christina, who has suddenly taken an interest in clothing and proper hair care. She is dressing and blowing out her hair like this girl who has walked out of a teen drama, much to Melanie's consternation. Feeling slovenly and unworthy, Melanie slinks off to talk to Jazz on the phone, who tells her he won't be in town until Tuesday. OOOOMG. Or whatever. It's like a week from the Derby now, and Melanie just wants this over with all ready, except then some guy decides that jumping into Image's paddock at night to get a photograph is the best time to do this ever and causes another collective meltdown. Image isn't safe! There could be people with cameras hiding in her stall! Lurking in the bushes! Sleeping at her feet! (Wait, that's Melanie...) She has to get out of here!

ENTER BRAD TOWNSEND.

So, apparently Celtic Mist isn't getting the attention Brad thinks he deserves. So he listens to Parker's business proposal that they allow Melanie and Image to stay at Townsend Acres so that Parker can finally have sex with his on-off girlfriend, and hears instead that he should have Image live at Townsend Acres so he can get in on the media frenzy. He approaches Melanie about his proposition, and Melanie is of course a petulant brat at first before Brad employs his awesomeness and she is stunned into accepting. In a haze, she tells Mike and Ashleigh about Brad's plan, and of course they all say that Brad is awesome and she should clearly do this. Of course, this could just be them trying to get rid of her, but Image must come first! Horses, then family. Always.

Melanie settles into her gargantuan and exquisite surroundings at the Townsend Acres guest house, and Image settles in under the watchful security cameras and Brad's all knowing stare. Much to her irritation, Melanie loves it. She loves the manicured grounds, and the helpful groom that has to work for her or be kicked out on his ass, and the microwave that looks like a bread box. She loves it. So much that she goes to a formal event at Townsend Acres. She wears a dress. And it is tight, and mid-thigh, and low-scooped, and splashed with primary colors. Even Jazz decides that tonight is not the night for his all black ensemble, or his groom outfit, or his geek costume complete with pocket protector. Tonight is the night for no ties and no socks. Jazz cannot be contained. Nor can Christina. She waltzes in wearing a short blue dress and strappy heels.

For a second--a brief, almost horrifying second--I imagined this as a CW show. And it almost worked. I could almost see it happening. But then Christina opened her mouth and started to accuse Melanie of abandoning family for the enemy, and then I couldn't decide if that made this vision worse or better. Melanie insists that she did it for Image. It was all for Image! Only Christina doesn't believe her and flounces off, somehow managing not to break her ankle while wearing heels for the first time in her life. Melanie then overhears people talking about how little a chance they believe Image has, and because she is a Thoroughbred series character she seriously takes this to heart.

When derby day dawns, Melanie puts Jazz's new silks on and stares at herself in the mirror long enough to feel self-conscious when someone else walks into the jockey's room. It was just a loose thread! Ha ha! I wasn't just staring at myself, or anything. Christina gives her a look, and probably rolls her eyes. Then Wolf gets into a jockey war of words that is ridiculous, and Melanie has to break it up before they start calling each other jerkface and proclaim that the other will eat their dust. OOOOMG. Jockey fights are the best.

Out in the paddock, Jazz kisses Melanie for good luck and off they go. Admittedly, I was bored, so I skimmed through the race, but rest assured that the announcer said something stupid and all the horses are so evenly matched that they all tried to run in front together. Only at the very end of the race do Image, Celtic Mist and Gratis break free of the clump and race on to victory. Star, as fate would have it, got stuck behind horses, which is a phenomenal achievement when there are only nine horses in the race. Nice work, Chris!

But then, after the high of winning the Kentucky Derby, Image breaks her leg and falls to the ground. Melanie goes into shock and wakes up in a hospital bed with a broken rib and a bruised lung, which means she is just sympathetic enough now for Chris to make the effort to make up. Everyone group hugs, and Melanie decides to let Image die, which is probably the most adult decision anyone has ever made in this series, considering it's a series of completely ridiculous recoveries and declarations of "we must try!" Melanie just throws in the towel, knowing that Image is the second coming of Ruffian and isn't going to stand for a sling and will probably tear down her stall.


And thus Perfect Image dies.

Ha! No, wait. This is still the Thoroughbred series. Here's what really happens: Melanie goes back to Townsend Acres, under the impression that she will stay there for a few days with Christina and Parker and Jazz and this is okay with all their parents despite them being rowdy teens. They are rowdy teens in mourning, I guess, so whatever. Before Melanie can get to the guest house ENTER BRAD TOWNSEND who is all come, Melanie, allow me to show you my super awesome medical facility that is part of my super awesome Thoroughbred farm because I am so super awesome I can barely be contained. COME WITH ME. And Melanie, because she cannot say no and has no power against him, goes. Brad shows off the whole place, and forces Melanie to agree that he is awesome. Although she is suspect, because Brad is cheerful and chipper, and for whatever reason everyone in this series gives Brad the side eye when he's happy. Then he shows her the pool, and lo...there is Image treading up a storm.

Melanie falls to her knees, totally stunned, and Brad lets out one final, "Yes, I am this awesome" before he magically disappears before Melanie or Jazz can find and thank him. At one point, someone actually says they should thank Brad..."wherever he went."

Brad Townsend = Batman. I'm just saying.

So then Melanie jumps in the pool and swims out to Image, and it's heartwarming and actually an okay ending. So there.

Talking Points:

• A lot is made of Whitebrook really depending on Star and expecting him to do well in the Kentucky Derby, but I'm not sure that's ever been the case. Case in point: see all the times everyone didn't want to race him after the virus. 
• Ashleigh never won the Triple Crown, apparently. She just won "jewels," much like Julie Krone.
• Also, Wonder never won the Derby after Winning Colors. 
• Also, Champion never won the Triple Crown. Whitebrook has now "never had a Triple Crown winner."
• Ashleigh, at one point, says that the farm isn't able to handle the kind of attention they're receiving. She waves her arms around and says, "Look at this place!" I think...I may be imaging some of it because I find it super amusing. But it's still basically what happened.
• I highly doubt Ashleigh would act like that much of a bitch to her niece. Christina, yes. I mean, that's a given any day of the week for any reason at all, but Ashleigh never had it in her to make Melanie feel that unwelcome. I think there's always been an undercurrent of Ashleigh finding Image unruly and not worth the trouble, but this book takes it too far. And where the hell is Mike to temper this craziness? 
• Brad has Melanie's dad and her stepmom ride some boat in some Kentucky Derby festival thing and they're all besides themselves because to ride this boat is reserved for dignitaries or whatever and I imagined Brad Townsend standing atop it, staring into the wind, being so full of awesome no one dare approach as the boat wins their festival race by daylight. 
• And then Image won and Star came in last. I still can't wrap my brain around this. Years have passed and I am still awed and confused by this decision.

 Anyhoo. So that's the Kentucky Derby. Next up, the Preakness (wherein Star still doesn't win.)

Perfect Challenge, or today we confirm that Florida is totally insane.

Perfect Challenge
Thoroughbred #52
by Alice Leonhardt

Melanie Graham knows Image is Triple Crown material. The problem is, the filly is too smart for her own good. She's difficult to train, hates to be stabled indoors, and fights with other horses. But if Melanie is going to run Image in the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont, the filly is going to have to get over herself.

For practice, Melanie takes Image to Florida to run in an easy fillies-only race. But when Melanie gets to the track, she discovers that her father has entered Image in the prestigious Florida Derby instead. He badly needs the purse money to save his failing business and he truly believes Image can win. Melanie is doubtful. Will Image rise to the challenge?

I'm kind of loving that this blurb automatically assumes that Melanie has been dead set on pointing Image toward the Triple Crown since day one. In fact, I've got to hand it to Melanie (for a change): Image was only ever the filly that didn't want to race, but had potential to possibly race well one day, and Melanie had the presence of mind to at least know that much. Image was never Super OMG Wonder Filly with fifteen exclamation points. It was only the casual change in plans brought to us by Melanie's dad and then Jazz that turned Image into Super OMG Wonder Filly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's fifteen exclamation points typed out. It's frightening, isn't it? Yes, I know it is. You have Mel's dad and Jazz to thank for that. Not Melanie, for a change. No sirree. 

Also, let's examine this book cover. It's atrocious, for one thing. The bit is sliding right through that bay's mouth, mainly because his jockey is exerting a lot of effort to punch Melanie in the face with his crop hand. Melanie has been captured in that "ooooh, shit" moment, right before she's about to get clocked in the head. Image, for whatever reason, is wearing a ginormous breastplate I am sure has never seen a racetrack ever in the history of time. Also, both horses look like tired plow ponies plodding into a headwind. In fact, Image looks like she's in the middle of stumbling over her own feet. This is kind of inspired by a fleeting moment in the book that I think someone took out of context or greatly exaggerated, but I guess of all the moments someone could have chosen to draw for this cover, I suppose it will do.

Anyway! So in the last book, Christina was training Star in California. The events in that book actually occur after the events of this book, since Melanie actually went to Florida when Christina was left at Whitebrook during Rising Star and was back in Kentucky by the events of Distance Runner. Melanie actually calls home to talk to Christina, who is mentioned as having Parker problems, which actually were mainly resolved during Distance Runner when they broke up. To make chronological sense, this book should have happened right after Rising Star, but for whatever reason...didn't.


We start out Perfect Challenge with Melanie and Joe stubbornly hauling a very petulant Image to Florida via van. There is screaming, destruction of property, and lots of blood along the way. I love how everyone's first thought concerning an animal who can't handle being contained in small spaces for more than thirty minutes and was banned from a relatively small time track in their backyard is to put it on a truck and haul it to another state to try racing it at a bigger track against better competition. Of course! Naturally this is the best option for everyone! Only when they finally get to Florida, they are immediately turned away at the gate of the farm they were supposed to board at due to strangles. So Image finds herself all cooped up at Gulfstream instead and Melanie is literally on the verge of a mental breakdown. Again.


But Image must race in the Bonnie Miss, since she won some race at that other track and now has to "prove herself" against better horses elsewhere for some reason. Melanie just wants to take this day to day, but her dad and Jazz collectively wear the pants in this relationship and she knows it. So Melanie is being a good employee, only she puts on the brakes severely when her dad says, "Oh, by the way, we're racing in the Florida Derby instead and it's kind of a week from now. Hooray?"


Melanie isn't feeling it. She decides that under no circumstances is Image ready to race a mile and an eighth against colts, and I'm all "Good for you! Logic has its uses, right?" But then Will puts on his puppy dog face and whines that his business is failing due to his unprecedented and horrible decisions. (Tip: Never, ever, support a band called Bugg Spray. The name should have been his first clue that the band members were unmanageable druggies. Not that being an unmanageable druggie has ever really been a bad thing in the music industry...but I digress.)


So Melanie is won over by her dad's plight and decides that hell, yes, she's totally running Image in the Florida Derby. Even despite Alexis, evil lady who once managed Tall Oaks, who's back with a Derby entrant called Speed.com who is owned by the fictional Bill Gates. I am about 100% positive you can't name a horse Speed.com, since it looks so incredibly stupid when I write it in a sentence. Speed Dot Com, sure. But I don't make the rules here, obviously.


Anyhoodle, Melanie decides to breeze Image to make sure she's good and tired and will therefore feel less inclined to terrorize everyone in her path. This ends disastrously, with Melanie falling off and Image taking a solo cruise around the track. Had Cindy been there, I'm sure she would have insisted Melanie be banned from American racing for life. But Mary Anderson isn't writing this book, so thankfully Melanie and Image get another chance. Only to blow it later when Image somehow gets loose (possibly due to Alexis, but Melanie cannot prove it so she suffers in silence) and decides to flirt with another Florida Derby entrant without a chaperone. That Image, she's such a harlot.


Being proactive for once, Melanie decides not to let the racing commission make a show of kicking her out of the track and trailers Image to Pine Haven, a rundown farm consisting of a pony called Baby and Jazz's band, Pegasus. Now Melanie is forced to divide her time between attempting to enjoy Jazz's band (and not degenerate into a self-conscious mess at the sight of Kristi, the bikini-clad wife of Pegasus's drummer, Nuke...I do not make up these names, you guys, I don't) and keeping an eye on Image. You see, guys, to listen to Jazz's band would be to have fun, which is a grave sin, because when one has fun something inexplicably horrible always happens. Like someone will take Baby to a birthday party and upset Image's delicate mental state. Or a teenaged, tube-top clad girl will get stuck in a tack room somehow. The point is, bad things happen. It's just better for everyone if Melanie puts away her black one-piece swimsuit she was so ashamed of anyway and camps out in Image's pasture, okay? Why can't we understand? It's best for everyone!

But despite all of Melanie's attempts to keep Image's life orderly and secluded, reporters find her anyway and descend upon her like a pack of starving, carnivorous squirrels. During her second attempt to work Image on the track, Melanie is peppered with idiotic questions by a school bus sized hoard while Alexis yells profanity-laced (I imagine, anyway) accusations about how Melanie has only entered Image into the Florida Derby to detract from Speed.com because Melanie has a vendetta against her. There are even hecklers. Hecklers! You know, I try to imagine this in my head and I just can't. Heckling at a racetrack has always included a good amount of alcohol, in my experience. This was a morning work. 


My only conclusion is that people in Florida must be downright crazy. But wait, it gets better!


On their way to the track for the Florida Derby, a pack of reporters is waiting, Mad Max style, to swoop in behind Image's trailer en route to the racetrack. And then, to really punctuate the unrelenting hospitality of Floridians, someone throws beer bottles at the truck and screams at them to take their horse back to Kentucky. Florida doesn't want Image. Florida never asked for some uppity girl horse thinking she's better than all the boys, okay? So the windshield shatters (although I'm suspicious that this is possible) and Melanie is screaming and all hell breaks loose. Only one of those Mad Max reporters decides to disengage from the pack and help them out, although that just confused me, really. If Joe can't see out the windshield, how is following Nice Guy Reporter going to help them out?


Well, they make it to the track, and Image and Melanie somehow survive on their way to the starting gate despite random Jazz kissage, and they come in second, which is like a victory because Speed.com came in third. So it looks like Will shouldn't have assumed horse racing was going to pull his business out of the toilet, although it doesn't matter because it went belly up anyway and he's decided to sell his interest in Image to Jazz. Melanie is all "oh hell no" because she doesn't want Jazz to be her sole boss, which he tells her isn't that important because he'll never sell Image. (Ha! So he thinks.) And then they kiss again, but they are super awkward about it because Jazz keeps insisting on talking about the Triple Crown in Melanie's mouth.


So I guess Image is going to the Triple Crown, and it ain't Melanie's idea either.


And you know what? I actually liked this book. Despite some things (Jazz's dangling gold earring, Alexis's black leather pants, Melanie's aversion to all activities that aren't standing sentry at Image's stall, the name Speed.com...all just the tip of an iceberg of reservations) it's solid. I could actually see a little bit of spark in Melanie this time around, but maybe that's just because Christina and Parker have been dominating my time lately...and as we all know neither one of them have any concept of life outside of their respective obsessions. And Melanie and Jazz have super cute banter when they put effort into it. Conversation between Christina and Parker is about as interesting as reading a legal document. 


Plus, you have to respect Image. She's the one horse in Thoroughbred land that doesn't seem to give a crap about being anyone's Wonder Pony. I do appreciate that. Now, if only Brad had been in this book. But I suppose I can't have everything.

Thoroughbred #50: Team Player

Team Player 

by Alice Leonhardt 

2001 

It seems that Team Player had the misfortune of being too long when it was a Word document sitting on some editor's hard drive, and instead of requesting a little editing to trim the story down to an appropriate length, the editor decided it would be easier to highlight the entirety of the last chapter and hit the delete button.

Oh, Thoroughbred. It's this dedication to quality that makes me love you so.

Will Parker make the team? 

Parker Townsend and his Thoroughbred mare, Foxglove, have proven that they have the talent to compete in the Olympics in combined training. But they still haven't made the team. Parker can't figure it out. He's won more events than any of his competitors, and Foxy is in top form. No jump is too high for them, no dressage course is too technical. So why haven't the Olympic stewards asked him to join the team? 

His trainer, Samantha McLean, knows why. Parker isn't a team player. He always does his best and usually wins, but sometimes that's not enough. In order to compete, Parker must show the Olympic stewards that he can help out his team members and ride for the team.

This summary is a tad exaggerated. Parker has in fact not "won more events than any of his competitors," nor does he "usually" win. The sad state of affairs is more subdued, but that doesn't make for good summary writing, apparently. The fact of the matter is that Lyssa has actually been the winner of all the events the summary seems to think Parker has been winning, therefore making the question of why Lyssa has been picked to be on the team and not Parker far less of a head scratcher.

But whatevs. Let's get down to business.

Parker is super busy. He's got responsibilities (horses to ride, Foxy to train, Kaitlin to yell at, mountains of tack to clean because we all know tack is forever dirty even two seconds after it's been scrubbed to death), unappreciative girlfriends to placate (Christina), parents to avoid (The Townsends, in all their awesome hilarity), and so many things to worry about (the Olympics, school, maybe buying a new horse with no money). It's hard to be Parker, okay? 

Because he has no money, he's been reduced to teaching kids how to pull the manes of their school ponies, which is a tremendous lesson in patience while Samantha is persistently nagging him to buy a young horse while trying to hide the magazine that proclaims Lyssa the next Olympic horse goddess. Lyssa has gotten on the USET team's short list, and Parker has not. Parker attempts to not be bitter, and fails. Samantha makes a casual remark about that chip on his shoulder and then whirls off to be unproductive somewhere else as Parker drags his feet to Whitebrook to remark about how his relationship with Christina has changed, and it's not for the better.

You see, Christina and Parker never see each other anymore, both aiming for their completely unreasonable dreams because everyone knows that after the age of eighteen it's standard practice to give up on yourself and help children you kind of know and/or created accomplish greatness. In other words, life loses all meaning when you're an adult. Parker tries to seek support from Christina regarding this whole Lyssa development (come on, people, we know you all just want to bitch about her. Just do it already) and gets nothing but, "That's great! They're still accepting young riders!" Of which they have one, so do they need more? Just saying.

Parker trudges off to class and then goes home to Townsend Acres, where he decides that it's finally time to suck up to his parents and try to get back into his trust fund. Brad, because nothing is better than racing -- nothing -- has cut off Parker and made him drive an unreliable truck and be poor until Parker shucks off his Olympics dreams and gets into the family business. Only all he's greeted with is a buffet table of eggs and bacon, which Parker falls upon like a ravenous honey badger while Lavinia looks on in sheer horror and Brad mutters about how a Townsend doesn't wear jeans during breakfast. They wear suits and diamonds, naturally. 

Fresh from that comical interlude, Parker runs off to Townsend Acres Version Warmbloods so he can look at a horse that is outside of his price range, because Samantha doesn't get that he has no money. That's when they meet Wizard of Oz, or Ozzie, burned out stadium jumper who has no interest in doing work ever again. Naturally Samantha's all ooooh, this one! And so they take Ozzie on trial, but not before they look down their noses at Ozzie's successful and therefore "arrogant" and obviously horrible owner.

There's a three-day event of some such that Parker wins, attracting the attention of Captain Donnelly of USET fame, which leads to Captain Donnelly deciding to move his two short list USET people (Lyssa and a Jeff who is of no import) to Whisperwood so he can stalk Parker and cause him great emotional turmoil. Parker drops the ball when put on the spot, but then manages to save things when he's invited to a lesson with Lyssa and Jeff, only to drop the ball again when he gets all internally uppity about being told what to do. Nobody knows Foxy like Parker!

You know, it's a real wonder that Christina and Parker couldn't make it through this book. They are so perfect for each other. Unfortunately they split. Or "take a break" after Parker misses a date and decides that hey, he won't try to call or do anything about it until later. How do these people not have cell phones? This is 2001!

Well anyway, Parker takes Ozzie out to mull his decision about whether or not to go further into debt in order to buy him and Lyssa, giver of bad advice, says that he totally should. Just stick him in a round pen (which doesn't wind up working, of course) and all will be fine! Oh, if only we could all be sponsored like Lyssa! What a magical life she leads. I'm shocked Parker hasn't gone crazy. I really am.

So Rolex rolls around. Samantha and Kaitlin strong arm Parker into going to the party beforehand, which Parker is of course staunchly against. Parties might mean fun is afoot, and as we all know fun is the work of the devil! I'm surprised Samantha even wants to take part in this horror show, but I suppose that she is an adult, and her life no longer has meaning or ambition. All the more time for parties! 

Parker goes to the party, only to run into his parents, who have come to the realization that there are rich people around the Rolex also! Let's mingle! Brad remarks that it's quaint that the winner gets a Rolex watch. Oh, if only Parker were into racing; he could have all the Rolex watches he desires should he give up on this fool's errand. Mission to destroy Parker's confidence accomplished, so back to mingling!

God, that man is just so awesome.

Samantha gets Parker's mood back on track on the first day of Rolex, and he completely crushes the dressage test and skyrockets into third. Then the cross country comes along the second day, and there's much angst. It is hot! Horses are dropping like flies. The jumps are terrific and difficult. If only Parker would listen to advice. Samantha is here to help with her so-so wisdom! Captain Donnelly wants him to do well, but not invite him on the team so Parker tosses his advice and goes for broke. Foxy barely makes it through the course in an effort that puts them in first place, but this effort is too much for the horse and there is pandemonium and tears and screaming and oxygen tanks and hypodermic needles and Parker feels like a total loser because his horse is probably dying right there at Rolex and...

That's the end of the book. No closure for you! That's just the way Thoroughbred rolls.

In all seriousness, Alice Leonhardt was awesome and supplied fans with the cut chapter. I once had it in my possession, and I once knew what it contained. But that was in 2001, so I've clearly forgotten it entirely and have lost the chapter in all the computers I've left in my wake.

That all said, despite the mysterious ending, Team Player is a solid installment in the series. Granted, I have a hard time wrapping my head around Parker trying to get on the USET team, especially when he has these hilarious moments of enlightenment about how he's competing against riders who are worlds better than him at Rolex and he's still expecting to get short listed. 

Maybe this series was always about supporting delusions of grandeur. It's all starting to make sense now!

#51, Distance Runner, aka Christina Discovers California And Fails to Appreciate It, is up next. 

Author Interview: Alison Hart

Today I'm talking to Alison Hart, author of over twenty mysteries and historical novels for children and young adults. The horsey set knows her best as the writer of the acclaimed Shadow Horse and its recent sequel, Whirlwind. Fans of the Thoroughbred series know her as Alice Leonhardt, who penned various volumes during the New Generation including Racing Image, The Bad Luck Filly, Living Legend, and more.


What inspired you to write Shadow Horse?

I am a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) who works with the court system to advocate for abused and neglected children. The pairing of foster teen with a rescue farm seemed like a great story; the insurance scam came after I did research.

What sort of research did you do for Shadow Horse and Whirlwind? 

I interviewed a social worker, a probation officer, an insurance agent and a police officer, and visited juvenile court and a rescue farm. I did extensive reading as well.

There was quite a wait for Whirlwind. What went into making the book finally happen?

I honestly don't know what took so long. I was busy writing historical fiction that was doing well for a different publisher. Sales for Shadow Horse were steady but not phenomenal, and in today's market/economy, sales must be phenomenal for a publishing house to request a sequel.

You wrote several books for the Thoroughbred series during its “New Generation.” Which character did you most enjoy writing? 

I pretty much created Melanie and Image, so they are the ones I most identify with.

What draws you to writing about horses, particularly for children and young adults?

Horses have been in my life since I was five years old, but horses and humans have been intertwined since as early as 3500 BC when horses were raised for milk and meat in Kazakhstan. (see the fascinating March 2009 article in National Geographic)


Since then, horses have been used (and exploited) by humans in all parts of the world. In America, horses became extinct about 10,000 years ago and were then reintroduced by 16th century Spanish Explorers. That gives me centuries of history to write about. My current books focus on the 1800’s when horses were used for transportation, farming, racing and war --see my historical suspense Gabriel's Horses, Gabriel's Triumph and Gabriel's Journey, Emma's River and Anna's Blizzard--as well as modern-day novels like Taking the Reins, Shadow Horse and Whirlwind.

Do you have any upcoming horse books or other writing projects on the horizon? (Possibly a sequel to Whirlwind, perhaps?) 

I'd love to do a sequel to Whirlwind, and have an idea plus a possible title, but again, the sales of Whirlwind have to be phenomenal for Random House to even consider it. In 2011, Risky Chance, book seven in the Horse Diary series, will be published. It's about horse racing during the 1930's. I also have a second American Girl book called Dive Right In, part of their InnerStar U series, which allows readers to choose their own endings. It's not about horses but still fun!

*

My thanks to Alison for taking the time to answer a few questions!

Links:
http://www.alisonhartbooks.com
Whirlwind's Facebook Page - Become a fan!

The Whirlwind is not a metaphor.

Whirlwind
by Alison Hart
Release Date: May 25, 2010
Sequel to Shadow Horse.

When thirteen-year-old Jas Schuler found her beloved mare, Whirlwind, dead in her paddock, she thought her heart would break. Now Jas knows the truth.

Whirlwind is alive.

Wealthy horse breeder Hugh Robicheaux faked the mare's death, collected insurance money on her life, then sold her to an unsuspecting buyer. And he's going to get away with his scheme, too. Unless someone can find Whirlwind. And that's exactly what Jas plans to do.

But hunting for Whirlwind is dangerous. Hugh has threatened to destroy everything Jas holds dear unless she stops her search. As she struggles with her desire to find Whirlwind without letting the people she loves get hurt, Jas must ask herself: Is all this worth risking for a horse she may never find?

I have heard repeatedly about the amazing Shadow Horse, Alison Hart's award nominated horsey mystery. For some reason, I never got around to reading it, even when I knew Whirlwind was right around the corner. After reading this, I'm making Shadow Horse a priority.

Because Whirlwind is pretty awesome.

Two months after the beginning of Shadow Horse, Jas is nearing the end of what is essentially court ordered house arrest. She's pretty obsessed with the idea that Whirlwind might still be alive, and so is the insurance company that Hugh Robicheaux has a history of scamming. Hugh, however, has no intention of being brought down, because people like him "always win." People like Jas have ankle monitors and live in mobile homes, like they're supposed to. Lucky for Jas, she's not about to accept anything that Hugh says, and uses just about every resource around her to marshal interest in finding Whirlwind.

Enter the insurance agency's investigator, M. Baylor. All of a sudden finding Whirlwind stops looking like a crapshoot and more of an actual possibility. Hugh knows it, too, and starts to threaten not only Jas, but Second Chance Farm. Hugh also knows more than he should, leading Jas to suspect there's a spy in their midst, but at a charity case rescue like Second Chance Farm, who could be feeding information to a man they all loathe?

There's illegal search and seizure, sexual tension, and murder.

There's even a hurricane.

It's awesome like that.

What I like about Whirlwind is that it's not just a horse book and it's not just a horse mystery. It's a young adult novel about a girl who's going through a lot, as well as trying to grow up. She's a barely fourteen-year-old kid taking care of her elderly grandfather, navigating a possible romance, and trying to take down the most influential man in town. It sounds like a lot for one girl and a rescue farm to tackle, but it's done with a gritty realism that had me immediately addicted.

Jas isn't a spoiled brat with horse ownership on the brain. She's human. She gets prickly and lashes out (usually at Chase, the boy she's in teenage love with, which never fails to amuse me), and she recognizes the need to apologize (usually to Chase, as it turns out) in order to remain a likable horse girl. And while she mostly lands in serious main character territory, she knows how to apply some humor into her life. She's also (dare I say it?) proactive. Nothing just randomly turns out in Jas's favor that she doesn't work hard for, something I think we can all appreciate.

Plus, she doesn't like Twilight. I mean, that alone is enough.

While this book does have a beautiful and satisfying ending, it leaves plenty of undeveloped plot for another sequel. I'll go ahead and say that I'm expecting this to be a second book in a trilogy. It may take another ten years to see it, but the potential is definitely there. In the meantime, Whirlwind is strong enough to stand on its own.

Overall: Totally worth your money. Go buy it.

Racing Image, and bankrupting friends.

Racing Image
by Alice Leonhardt
2001

I am pretty positive that the plot for this book is only possible because Fredericka Graber is completely incapable of making good decisions, and our beloved main character is putting on a front of helping her when in fact she is profiting off of her horrible mistakes. Yes, I'm talking about you, Melanie.

Will Image ever behave herself on the track?

Melanie Graham's dream has come true - a chance to ride Perfect Image in her first race. Image has been running great, and it looks like they may even have a shot at winning some big-time races.

But Melanie and the black filly's trainers have forgotten how unpredictable Image can be. When she's disqualified from her first race, they wonder if she has the temperament to race at all. How will Melanie prove that with a little special treatment this very special filly can make it all the way to the Triple Crown?

Anyway, Claire already wrote up a beautiful summary of this book, which means I get to be a little lazy in reporting my own findings, which I will present to you now in the form of a list. Fantastic? I think so.

Finding #1: Melanie makes selfishness look like pure philanthropy. Way to love your fellow person, Melanie! The problem Melanie is facing is great indeed: she is in love with a horse that is owned by a person who cannot figure out her own finances. For Fredericka, this means bankruptcy and the inevitable fate of living out her life in a retirement villa while our Thoroughbred Series characters remember her fondly, but routinely fail to visit. For Melanie, this means that she may lose the horse she loves to the evil clutches of Brad Townsend, who still wants to retire and breed Image, and we all know this is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to a horse. Especially Image, who just wants to roam around in a field all day, can't stand the track, and can't tolerate being left in a stall for more than two minutes straight. I mean, obviously a racing career is perfect for her. Retirement as an unshod broodmare would be too low a path to even consider!

As Freddy bemoans her stupidity, hinting at Brad's ruse of sincerity by wanting to buy up her stock, Melanie puts her foot down. Like hell she'll let Brad buy all of Freddy's stock and thereby help her save her farm! That means Image will be swaybacked and pregnant by the time she's three instead of four! She will train Image herself to race at the end of the month, and surely the tiny purse of a maiden race will convince the bank that Freddy is good for the rest over the course of two or three years in which Image might win the amount Brad is willing to pay now--probably in cash, because that's how he is--excluding the cost of feed and board and fees and things of that nature. This plan totally makes sense! And Freddy buys it all, allowing Melanie to puff up her head with silliness about talking to the bank and telling them how important she is despite having no money. Therefore, Melanie's brand of helping a person out is to protect her own interests and make it look like she's really in it to help Fredericka. Which is brilliant, but probably not what the series is going for in terms of teaching morals to preteens.

Finding #2: Image hates racing. Seriously, that's not even me reading between the lines. It's pretty obvious. Having never read the books that lead up to Image's run at the Kentucky Derby, I never really got why she was such an extreme dark horse. She is the definition of a dark horse, and now I get why everyone (everyone who recognized the insanity of the plot, anyway, and didn't just support it because at least it wasn't Star and Chris) was more or less disgusted that she actually won the race. So I am more in awe of the way Melanie and her band of merry followers can dismiss this plain fact, as if babying her will make Image a sane, even enthusiastic racehorse. Because sure, she has talent, but she hates it. Even Melanie seems to recognize this on more than one occasion, but she keeps pushing it as Image's "career." And I keep wondering what is wrong with this girl and why she has to push the whole feminist movement onto a two-year-old filly that hates what she's doing and/or is terrified about 75% of the time and homicidal the other 25%.

Finding #3: (This is sort of a general series observation.) Why are these people even invested in horse racing? I am always amazed by the hypocritical statements they always make about racing and retiring. You can't race a horse because it's possible abuse, but you can't retire a horse because you can't for varying reasons, one of them being (as it is here) that breeding is vaguely awful for no reason I can quite figure out other than it makes mares swaybacked and fat. Thoroughbred, your weird issues are hurting my brain.

Finding #4: I would like to see a horse sudden stop dead at the quarter mile pole, spin around, run the opposite direction into oncoming traffic, spin back around after having dodged a couple of horses by the narrowest of margins, and still win the race. I mean, people got upset when Glory won the Breeders' Cup Classic by 31 lengths, but I'm thinking this is the more impossible scenario of the two.

Finding #5: Melanie finds herself irrationally upset when she finds out that her father doesn't have $500,000 of capital sitting around to invest in a racehorse for his little girl, ultimately going to Jazz to be co-crazy racehorse owners. This results in a talk with Ashleigh and Christina concerning how she just can't expect horse racing to be like 4-H. Come on, Melanie. You don't just give away racehorses! Sure, Ashleigh may have been handed half interest in Wonder out of the goodness of Clay Townsend's heart. Samantha may have been given Shining because Ashleigh and Mike are nice like that. Christina may have been given the opportunity to buy up the Townsend share in Star because Brad was feeling sort of charitable that day. Allie may have been given a stallion for no reason at all that anyone can figure out ever. But you? You don't get handed a racehorse because that would be silly! This is a business, Melanie. Look at Cindy. Did she get her own horse? No. And why? Because no one liked her. Take from that what you will.

Finding #6: Funny quotes. Example: "Well, Vince is Image's trainer so I guess he has to be involved." Yes, Melanie. I guess he does, like, have to do his job.

Finding #7: Fashion. Thoroughbred, you fail at it. Example: Jazz's all black ensemble. Freddy's all blue pants suit, complete with blue pumps, handbag and gloves. Everyone's love of variations on brown and khaki, especially when wearing tweed.

Finding #8: I liked the book. The ending was predictable, but well done. Sure, Melanie may be forcing a career on a horse that wants no part of it, but she's realizing her dream. Which is to force things on others and bankrupt good friends along the way. Way to go, Mel!

Perfect Image: I am not on board this crazy train.

Perfect Image
Thoroughbred #44
by Alice Leonhardt

Will Melanie save Image?

Image is wild--perhaps too wild to train for the track. But she's fast, and Melanie Graham wants nothing more than to be her jockey. If only Image's owner and trainer would let her work with the temperamental filly.

Melanie isn't the only one interested in Image. Greedy Brad Townsend wants to add her to his breeding stock. Melanie is sure that Image's talent would be wasted as a broodmare--the filly was born to run, and with the right rider she could win big. Will Melanie prove that Image can race before it's too late?

This, you guys, is a synopsis that makes sense. It's okay to be amazed, I promise.

However, the book itself is...troubled. It walks a thin line between annoying self-righteousness as usual and tremendously strange to the point of awkwardness. Then there is this tiny little problem of me reading it and not really processing anything that was happening. It had that "we've been there and done this about 44 times, so what else is new" feel to it that made me want to smack the book against my forehead in a pathetic display of mental exhaustion brought on by creative stagnation.

This book is about Melanie being awfully tenacious, as our Thoroughbred characters usually are. Her problem, however, is that Vince Jones hates this pesky quality about her, and Freddy just seems amused by it, which gets Melanie just about nowhere except into an offhanded conversation about Freddy's husband's Civil War gun collection. Melanie persists--tenaciously--and gets Vince to offer her a job at his stable at Keeneland, where Image is slowly being "drugged" into a stupor in her dark "jail cell" of a stall.

Only Melanie will have to start out as a groom! Because this is the only proper plot device we can dream up. Melanie is okay with this, but spends most of her time shirking her duties and acting indignant at the handling of Image when most of the employees just don't want their heads bashed in by one of her metal shod hooves. A twitch? How dare you! A gag bit? I don't even know if that's logical, but clearly Vince is the most evil trainer there is ever! Except...he isn't. Somehow he gets away with just about everything that Brad Townsend would have been verbally and ineffectually bitchslapped for.

Speaking of Brad, he is still plotting to turn Image into a baby mama and probably doing something very enticing when he's off screen and Melanie is not there to disapprove of how awesome he is. There is also Alexis, whom Melanie is increasingly suspicious of because she seems to support selling Image, and those that want to sell Image are clearly evil.

During her time at Turfway and Keeneland, Image apparently went quite mad. Like...locked in solitary for months without seeing the light of day mad. But don't worry, kids, the moment Melanie gives up on Image is the moment Image does a complete 180 and nuzzles Melanie's cheek, or whatever, causing Melanie's hope to blossom like the trembling little flower it is. Convenient? Maybe! Expected? Oh, hell yes. And don't worry, because one major convenience isn't enough in this book. It happens again when Vince randomly decides that sure, yeah, he'll do exactly what Melanie wants and send Image back to Tall Oaks with an additional stay at Whitebrook because naturally he's a-okay with letting other people train her. Uh-huh.

So Image goes back to Tall Oaks, and Melanie has some near disasters caused completely by Alexis. Eventually Melanie makes the discovery that Alexis is sweet talking Freddy into purchasing horses she can't afford in order for Alexis to collect hefty broker's fees. Since Brad has wanted to buy Image, this is a fee on the line for Alexis, and Melanie's repeated success is just enough for her to contemplate serious rein-cutting sabotage! I am so let down. Honestly, Freddy has got to be the most adorably ignorant person on the face of the earth.

And then Image does well in her training and is shipped off to Whitebrook, the most splendid horse paradise in all the land!

Also:

• Someone mentioned Brad's hands in an effort to emphasize how horrible he is, and I blanked out again.

• Image can't possibly become a broodmare now! She would be swaybacked and fat by her third birthday! As opposed to being swaybacked and fat by her...fourth birthday! Damn you, Brad Townsend! Damn you!

• I'm loving the seeming abuse going on with Image, and the fact that Vince isn't immediately maligned by every Whitebrook character in existence. If this was Brad Townsend's barn, someone would be having a conniption fit right about now.

• "Christina Reese got what she deserved. She was always bragging about how wonderful that colt was..." says the anonymous Keeneland groom who has only glowing things to say about Brad's new colt. I admit that I find this fascinating. I have a feeling that if I could poll every random character in this series, the majority would say that Whitebrook farm irritates the crap out of them.

• Why do you insist on dressing Brad in navy, Alice?

• Whoa, Ashleigh has chin-length hair all of a sudden.

• I'm glad to report that Alice has at least incorporated a starting bell with her insistence on a starter's gun. Although this begs the question: does she really think the starter is firing a gun and opening the gates at the same time? Doesn't this present some coordination issues?

• I do like Melanie's concern over her weight in this book. It brings an element about jockeying you rarely see in this series.

• Mike also practically looks like a teenager now. Why? Because he has flowing blond hair, that's why! Flowing hair is to male teenageness as baseball caps are to female teenageness. I suppose. This is all so disturbing.

• Congratulations, Alice! You win the most inadvertently hilarious racing scene award for the Blue Blood Stakes. I'm not even talking about the actual race. That went along fairly normally. It was the actions of everyone around the race that entertained me to no end. Lavinia is over there clapping happily to herself during moments of tense silence. And she says "I declare" in a way that is supposed to be serious. Melanie says, "I think someone needs to punch the announcer in his fat face" and Cindy fantasizes about mussing Lavinia's hair. It was just...brilliant. That was what this scene was.

• You know, I'm about 1000% sure that no one at the Kentucky Derby gives much of a shit about whether or not the winning horse is bred in Kentucky. That holds absolutely no sway for multitudes of reasons, the main one being who really cares about this ever, and the second being most Thoroughbreds are bred in Kentucky. It isn't a racing/breeding backwater, Alice.

• If Freddy calls Image her "princess" one more time I am going to go mad.

• "We're turning into the driveway!" OH MY GOD!

• Did David Guterson, Snow Falling on Cedars, and the PEN/Faulkner Award just get name dropped in Thoroughbred? Did that just happen? Why are they talking about Kabuo Miyamoto? This is Thoroughbred, Alice. No one wants to know about what your book club was reading when you wrote this.

So that was a Thoroughbred book. I'm finding it really hard to like these characters these days. Their attitudes annoy me. They are smug brats most of the time, which tends to irritate me even more when they act so catty toward characters like Lavinia, who in the New Generation strikes me as more of a fashionable socialite who believes it's always happy hour somewhere. How does this deserve their scorn?

I guess this is why I so love it when the random anonymous characters in this book treat Whitebrook with open disdain, and appear so frustrated by pretty much everything the main characters do and say. Because at this point, I honestly do not see the difference between Townsend Acres and Whitebrook Farm.

Okay. I have officially thought about this too much. I am done now.

The Bad Luck Filly, or the pot calling the kettle black.

The Bad Luck Filly
Thoroughbred #42
by Alice Leonhardt
2000

This book is hilarious! Let's take a look, shall we?


I never really liked this cover, mainly because the composition doesn't even try for pleasing. It also occurred to me recently that Melanie has selected a coat that Dracula would love. This isn't really surprising to me, come to think of it, because Melanie is the girl who wears purple fringed suede of her own free will. Despite that, I do like the background of this cover. I even like the attempt at shadows, and the vague suggestion that someone is leading that bay horse...totally ignoring that Melanie just got her ass handed to her and Image is about ready to tear out of her paddock.

Melanie has her hands full....

Melanie Graham can't help herself--she's fallen in love with the high-spirited black filly, Perfect Image. More than anything, Melanie wants to help train the filly and be the first one to race her.

Despite her name, Image is anything but perfect. The filly has been spoiled by her doting owner since birth, and is impossible to handle. In fact, her trainer wants to give up and turn Image into a broodmare, hoping her foals will have better sense than she does. But Melanie is sure that Image was born to win. Will Melanie fight for the horse she loves?

The Bad Luck Filly is initially amusing because it's about an old lady spoiling a filly rotten, thereby creating an animal that is impossible to handle, and it takes one of our beloved main characters, who are just as guilty of this behavior pretty much always, to correct it. It's actually mind boggling if you sit and ponder this plot for any stretch of time.

Because we haven't actually heard from Melanie's perspective in a while--all the way back to Dead Heat, under far different circumstances--this book takes a bit of adjustment. You don't really know where Melanie's mindset is, much less know anything about her relationship with Kevin. This convinces me that Melanie should have been thrown out as a main character when the Wonder's Legacy Trilogy occurred, because after five Christina books encompassing about three years, we don't know much at all about Melanie other than the following: she got her apprentice license, was pretty good up until she fell off Fast Gun, is now suffering through what can only be called self-esteem issues, and Kevin broke up with her because she's boring. That's all that can be said for her over three years, guys. What story can we dream up that makes her at all interesting?

Don't count Alice Leonhardt out! Oh, Alice will spin you a story. A rather obvious, predictable story that takes the Do It Yourself concept to a whole other level. We start out with Melanie and Christina exercising horses for Vince Jones. Christina is doing super fantastic lately, and Melanie is trying not to be jealous, but sort of failing. She is upset with herself that she's not as good as she wants to be, upset that Christina gets more attention, and upset that she doesn't have a super fantastic awesome wonder pony upon which she can slather attention. What is a sixteen-year-old senior in high school (is this possible without skipping a grade?) to do? Why, she has to find a super special horse totally out of the blue the moment she's feeling at her lowest about her failures at being awesome.

The horse is Image. What's weird about this is she's met Image before, but I guess the light bulb didn't click on until now. That's highly suspicious, Melanie. I doubt your commitment to the wonder pony! I'm not all that sure what attracts Melanie to Image, other than her shiny black wonder pony coat, but then she's seen that before, so I don't get it. She just springs at the filly like a twelve-year-old girl does to a chestnut horse, and that's that. Wonder pony/special main character bond of love and trust and awesomeness commences!

Or maybe not? Because then Image gets loose and nearly runs over Melanie, who has this idea that if she stands right in front of a charging horse she will: A) stop that horse in its tracks and B) make that horse fall in love with her and not C) accidentally be trampled. As it happens, Image just avoids her, ignores her totally, and Melanie falls in love. This is not what anyone intended, but I guess Melanie will just have to work with what she's given.

So, Image runs onto the track, causes an accident with Christina and Gratis, and everyone yells that Image is an idiot filly with a teeny tiny idiot brain. Melanie tries to say that she is really the smartest filly there ever was, only no one cares and shuts her up halfway through her spiel about Image's big, idiot brain. Vince decides to ship Image back to Tall Oaks, and Melanie manages to wiggle her way into helping train the filly in her spare time, because otherwise Image will be prepared for the ultimate doom...breeding. Yes, yes, are we all properly horrified? I thought you might be!

But first, Melanie has to go to a concert with Parker, Christina, and this guy named Fred. Because the concert is hot and makes the kids appropriately sweaty (in a G-Rated sort of way), Parker suggests that they go swimming. Christina is all for this, but wants to stop at home to get her swimsuit only to be laughed at, making her all flustered because just what is Parker implying? Surely it's not...of course he wouldn't...like, no way! Yes, no way. Parker is implying that they swim in the clothes they've got on, Chris. You and your dirty mind! So they go to this house, where there is a lifestyles of the rich and famous party going on. Brad is there, drinking cocktails, probably drunk, regaling anyone who will listen about his awesomeness. And Ashleigh and Mike are there, for some reason, dancing all over the place in bare feet. I'm not sure what's going on here, but I have a feeling Brad's awesomeness has gotten to them. They have traded their jeans for silk shift dresses, so you know now that Brad has won the war.

Anyway, during the party Brad makes fun of Melanie's interest in Image, which comes totally out of nowhere. Kevin, however, knows why Brad doesn't want Melanie to care about Image! Kevin, please explain this to me, because I'm pretty sure this is baseless stupidity on Alice's part! Kevin: Brad is angry that he sold Image's dam to Freddy, blah blah blah, wants her back, blah. This is ridiculous, Kevin. I find this explanation lacking. Maybe he's just, I don't know, telling Melanie the truth. God forbid! Okay, maybe he's just toying with her for the fun of it. And then the kids jump in the pool.

So, as it happens, Image is quite insane. And quite annoying. And very out of control. And Melanie is completely out of her depth with her attempts at training her, which does not come as a surprise at all because she's never actually tried to train a horse before. So after a week goes by, and Melanie tries to saddle the filly, and the filly goes bonkers, who is surprised? No one? Naturally. Melanie gets Kevin to help her with Image. Things go splendidly, until Alexis (or the evil farm manager who only Melanie only senses is evil, of course) drives a van by the farm and spooks the filly. Kevin smacks his knee, and bruises himself badly enough to miss most of his soccer season, potentially throwing his soccer scholarship in doubt. To which I have to say that Ian probably has enough money to pay for Kevin's college in one fell swoop, so don't give me this bullshit about scholarships, Thoroughbred. The Wind Chaser storyline be damned!

Melanie goes through all the levels of self-doubt through this book, comes to the conclusion that she really doesn't know what she's doing, that she was stupid to believe she could just magic a connection between herself and Image, and then goes to the trusted, most valued source for advice. The great Ashleigh Griffen. So we get another rousing story of Ashleigh's Wonder and the meaning of hard work, and how you have to believe in your goal, because if you just want to train a horse to prove your doubters wrong you are totally not going anywhere! Although, Ashleigh, sweetie, are you forgetting that whole PROVING BRAD WRONG motivation that you KIND OF HAD all through, OH, FOUR BOOKS?

Sigh. SIGH. At this point, Melanie decides that Pirate is going to help Image get over her bitchiness. Pirate smacks Image around a little, teaches her the meaning of respect, and just like that Image calms down enough to be trained enough to pony well next to Pirate. Vince comes along, proclaims her racehorse material because she can pony without killing something, and decides to take her back to the track with him...where Melanie will never see her again! Melanie feels the unfairness of life. Poor her.

Because Brad has advised Ashleigh that she needs to take Star to Belmont (because Brad knows how to train racehorses better than she does...which is wildly apparent in some books, and this is one of them), Christina, Mike and Ashleigh go to Belmont and leave Melanie to her own devices. Melanie goes to Tall Oaks to see Image one last time, only to see her carted off to Turfway. Melanie suffers yet another mental break, pitches a fit, but Image is still carted off to Turfway. Then Kevin gives her a motivational, albeit brief, speech about...something. Then they follow the filly to Turfway.

• She was awesome. Awesome!

• I can't decide if U Got It is a really horrible attempt at fictionalizing U2, or if it's just the most pathetic attempt at band naming ever to exist in the history of Thoroughbred.

• Strumming his guitar, Mikey Krash, the lead singer for U Got It, belted out the last line. The drummer beat his drums and cymbals in a frenzy, and the backup singers gyrated and wailed. That's it. Alice, I'm putting you on my list of authors never to take seriously ever again.

• Who ever thought a song called "Jam With Me" might include lyrics "You gotta jam with me!" Alice, you are cementing my decision!

• Who widens their eyes at Porsches, Jaguars and BMWs? Those are the cars of the sort of rich, but not flagrantly, stupidly rich. Get a grip, Mel.

• Brad drives a blue sedan? I disapprove! Or maybe that's just the car he drives when he's trying to be inconspicuous?

• Okay, it's time for another one of Brad's amazing fashion moments. Observe: Dressed in white pants with a perfect crease, his signature navy blue blazer with gold buttons, a crisp white shirt, and a blue cravat, Brad looked as though he were about to sail off on a yacht. ALICE. WHY. Also, this just lends more proof to my theory that the New Generation authors think Brad was born in the 1800's.

• And why are Ashleigh and Mike at this party? Why are they wearing fancy clothes? What is going on here? I...just don't comprehend.

• Why in the hell is Star running in 1 1/2 mile races at two?

• "Belmont's got a mile-and-a-half Grade I race for two- and three-year-old colts." No it doesn't. Just...no. It really doesn't.

• Whitebrook hadn't had a horse like Star since Wonder's Pride had won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness. Damn. There are so many things wrong with this statement, I don't even know where to start.

• [Mike] was clutching the dashboard, his knuckles white. You know, this seems like a hard thing to do. Also, stop being a drama queen, Mike!

• For the last time, Alice, there is no starting gun.

• The Whitebrook crew is so American. Hot dogs, hamburgers, or fried chicken. Every night!

• "I assume Image is a horse and not the name of your new boyfriend." Funny how you should say that, Will.

• Alexis tells Melanie: "Welcome to the real world." Real world? What is this real world of which you speak? Thoroughbred doesn't attempt real, okay? It specializes in the literary equivalent of hugs and kisses.

• "That's the girl I know and love!" Well, that was awkward. Nicely done, Kevin!

So, I did enjoy this book for the hilarity. I also enjoyed it for the fact that things don't end in hugs and happy whinnies. I also find it interesting that suddenly Whitebrook hasn't had a racehorse on par with Star since Wonder's Pride, which must have something to do with the editor's orders that nothing from the Cindy era ever be mentioned in the New Generation. At this point, Mary Anderson hadn't torn through that wall, so Wonder's Champion and March to Glory aren't just ignored, they don't exist. Frankly, I kind of like this version of Thoroughbred.

Living Legend applies to who, exactly?

Living Legend
Thoroughbred #39
by Alice Leonhardt

Hey, look. A Thoroughbred book!


I love this cover. If I had to pick, I would say this is my favorite cover in the series, right above A Horse Called Wonder, Wonder's Yearling, Wonder's Promise, and Wonder's First Race. I like it because it's the first scene in the book, and there's nothing outwardly offensive about it. Star looks great, Christina looks totally enraptured with Star, and it's just a simple scene. It doesn't have any random elements shoved in (see Ashleigh's Dream and Breaking the Fall) and it doesn't look like people are posing for no reason (Samantha's Pride, Cindy's Heartbreak). Good.

Can Christina measure up?

Ever since Christina Reese won her very first race on Wonder's Star, she's been feeling pressure to live up to her mother's reputation as a great jockey. The racing press is full of articles with headlines such as "Like Mother, Like Daughter!" and "Winning Races Must Be in the Genes!"

But after a disappointing finish in her next race, Christina decides there is no way she can meet such high expectations -- she'll never be as good as Ashleigh. After only two starts, will Christina give up racing forever?

I have no idea where we are now in Thoroughbred time, but Star runs in something called the Spring Stakes, so I'll pick up on the hint and assume we're still in spring. I'm finding this hard to swallow, considering how everyone seems to like racing this horse every two to three weeks AND it's only spring, AND Alice is writing this one, the very same writer who was behind the spring yearling training hysterics of Star In Danger. What the hell, Alice?

Anyway, that synopsis sort of hits a fraction of the plot behind this book, and I give it credit for focusing on one of Christina's issues. The main issue is that Christina doesn't think she's good enough. The second issue pops up when Ashleigh decides to ride Star for one race, giving the media fodder for sentimental fluff stories concerning Ashleigh coming back from a twelve year retirement to ride her precious mare's precious son, spinning Christina in a merry-go-round of self-pity. The book is mainly about Christina's attempt to be better at her current career path/passion/whatever because, you see, she sort of sucks.

Starting out the book, Christina isn't exactly hunky dory, but the important thing is that Star appears more than thrilled to have Christina as his jockey. The horse is happy, so everyone is happy. This means that Brad and Ashleigh have decided to let their age old struggle for dominance rest so they can be chummy and eat brunch together with their less important spouses. Of course, Christina is still worried, and can't help reading into the nonexistent pressure:

"All they want is for Star to win, win, win. He's only two. I don't want him to burn out or, even worse, break a leg!"

Please take note: this quote occurs while everyone is eating brunch (or maybe it was dinner...morning became night in about five seconds flat right here), totally ignoring Christina, and for all we know the only reason Christina is saying this is because it's a requirement for the main character to worry about the well being of the horse at least once and then blame something (if not the horse's possibly not perfect well being) on the Townsends, even if there has been no legitimate reason for them to worry. This is normal behavior at this point.

So before the race, Christina has a bad encounter with George, this hard luck jockey who feels the need to personally educate every apprentice in the art of being harassed. Christina can't banter, so she's not exactly easing into the jockey banter, and when George decides he's going to make Christina's life difficult she doesn't react well. During the race, George and some other guy block Christina in. She doesn't see the hole on the inside, determines that (for absolutely no reason) it would be dangerous and irresponsible to go to the outside, and settles for fourth. I have no idea what the hell that was about, but I guess we can chalk it up as yet more random well being of the horse stuff. If anything, it would have been more dangerous going to the inside, but whatever. After this, Christina decides she's no good and will not jockey Star anymore because he deserves better. She decides that she needs more experience before she rides Star (which is exactly what Brad wanted in the last book, I just have to point out, and everyone was all "no! your realistic and down to earth opinion is so cruel!"), and Christina decides that this experience will come by racing claimers.

Ashleigh puts her foot down. Absolutely no claimers for Christina. Claimers are beneath her Whitebrook born and bred daughter (that isn't said, but it's what I was thinking), and Christina does the typical thing and goes and does it anyway. On a Thursday morning, so I guess school is out, otherwise I suppose Chris and Mel really aren't going to school anymore. Christina finds this Phil guy who is willing to put her on his horses, and she does moderately well. Eventually she gets Ashleigh to agree to let her race claimers, so that continues in a parent sanctioned way.

Meanwhile, Ashleigh has decided that she will ride Star. She is super excited about this, and the press goes nuts over it, making Christina feel left out and lonely and she wants her scrapbook for Star to be about memories of her, not her mother. Won't someone think of Christina's scrapbook? Ashleigh is acting like a kid again with Star, but Ian is not convinced. Star's times are poor, and he asks Christina to work the colt while Ashleigh is away to see what happens. Predictably, Star does this amazing level of well. The best Whitebrook work EVER, in fact. And they're all like "let's not tell Ashleigh, because that would ruin her attitude" or something. So either Ashleigh is a complete idiot, has lost her touch completely, or she knows exactly what's going on and isn't telling anyone for some reason known only to her. I don't know anymore.

So Ashleigh rides Star in his next race, and they win in the last few strides. There's all this talk of the Kentucky Derby and how he just beat "up-and-coming three year olds" and Christina is manhandled by crazed fans before she can get to the winner's circle because everyone apparently turns into a raving fangirl at the sight of Ashleigh Griffen on a horse. When Christina starts talking about how Ashleigh will ride Star in his next race, Ashleigh stops her and says that Christina is riding Star...blah blah blah. So that plot point comes to a swift end.

Then Christina rides one of Phil's horses, Favorite Game, who turns out to be way more interesting than Star could ever hope to be. Seriously, I loved that horse. He was adorable. Unfortunately for Chris, George grabs Christina's reins and makes it look like she interfered with him, disqualifying her and getting her suspended on top of it. Eventually Christina works things out with George, and then Ashleigh goes and uses her super powers to convince the stewards to lighten up Christina's sentence. Because Ashleigh is so different from Brad and would never use her influence to sway officials...uh huh. So Christina can ride in Star's next race, to the joy of all! Even Brad has to yell "go get 'em!" at her and Christina is too shocked to act like a bitch about Brad's enthusiasm. Then she wins. Like we all knew she would, because Star and Christina are a team, just like Wonder and Ashleigh, okay? Do we all see that clearly now?

• Brad and Lavinia are dressed up at eight in the morning, which is clearly a giant flaw to Christina. The New Generation is confusing about this, because they're insisting that Brad isn't a horseman (because he doesn't wear jeans, or something) while at the same time indicating that he is an accomplished trainer, knows what he's doing, and is, in effect, an all around horseman. Considering Alice was the last person who wrote Brad in a trainer role, I have to pose this question to her: what is up with this back and forth description, Alice?

• The navy jacket and khaki pants fashion needs to stop now. That doesn't make me think wealthy, powerful horse owner. It makes me think prepubescent prep school kid. This is not good.

• It's Alice's first real attempt to write about training a race horse, and so she's under some impression that people actually use starting guns. No one uses starting guns during training or during a race. There is a starting bell that goes off when the starter opens the gates, and the horses are trained to jump out when the gate opens. They aren't scared out of the gate by gunshot.

• Imagine this scene: Brad, Lavinia, Ashleigh and Mike having a light conversation during brunch. They are getting along. It's weird! I can't handle it when Brad is playing nice.
  

• Well, Star isn't a Townsend horse anyway. How so? Are people having a problem comprehending the 50/50 co-ownership plan again?
  

• This whole Townsend Acres black and red silks thing is annoying, especially when someone else gets the green and gold silks later in the book.

• Apparently Melanie and Kevin are a couple? And they double date with Christina and Parker occasionally?

• Ashleigh decides to ride Star and she asks Brad: "Is that okay with you?" And he says, "Do I have a choice?" I laughed at that, considering he's called every single shot and everyone has meekly scurried into line with his decisions during the past two books (or, if they didn't scurry, they had to break ranks using deception, which was absolutely priceless). Since when has he ever acted like Ashleigh had a decision? This whole "let's be friends" stint is so freaking weird.

• "And Wonder's Star wins the Laurel Stakes by four lengths! A colt to watch out for, especially since he's Ashleigh's Wonder's colt." Wow, announcers do not say that sort of stuff. Plus, it's so clunky and bad it offends me.

You know, it's a strong book. It's an interesting book, what with the Whitebrook/Townsend friendship going on as well as it possibly ever could, given Brad's propensity for superiority and Christina's inclination toward insane overreacting to his blind optimism (which somehow means he might abuse something...watch out!) and what all. Parker was actually cute in this book, so he gets some points. Alice is trying with the racing scenes, and while I think there were way too many, she does a much better job in comparison to Mary's furlong-by-furlong description that took about forever and a half to get through. So, all together, if I gave ratings out to these books, which I don't, I'd give it a passing grade.

And now my rambling will cease.

As it turns out, love can cure everything!

Star in Danger
Thoroughbred #37
by Alice Leonhardt
Published: 1999

I was extremely reticent to move on to this book after Without Wonder, mainly because I can't really handle it when Alice Leonhardt writes Christina and she tends to turn Brad into a chaotic mess stuck somewhere between a serious, well-deserved power trip and drunkenness. I'll get to that later, because really, this book made me cackle out loud on several occasions.

I really dislike this cover for a multitude of very obvious reasons that Claire already pointed out in her review. Plus, it looks like Star is shying at the pot of flowers in the lower right corner. Like, holy crap, petunias! Unfortunately, this is totally in character for Star. He's a nut case.

Will Christina ever see Star again?

Christina Reese is worried. She's been taking care of Wonder's Star ever since his dam, Wonder, died. Now Star has been sent to Townsend Acres, and Christina misses him terribly. She dreamed of eventing Star in the Olympics on day, but Brad Townsend has already started training him to race.

The only way for Christina to be near her colt is to work with Brad. But Star has changed since he left Whitebrook. The once sweet and gentle colt has become wild and difficult to manage. Can Christina save her beloved Star from being ruined?

Essentially: Special horse needs special treatment, but gets smacked with reality by dastardly, yet special, antagonist, thus the special horse prefers his special treatment that his special human deals out with special treats and specialness. Got it. After this book, I really am tired of the word special.

Okay, all that said, Alice should have stuck with Melanie. The last time she attempted Christina, we had Christina's Courage, and we know what a screwed up effort that was. However, I will say that Alice did a better job of it this time around, but it was touch and go there at the beginning because Christina is not willing to put up with this any longer, people. She wants her special horse back at his special farm now, and no dallying is going to placate her.

So we start off this installment yet another six months to a year after Without Wonder, or something like that. Really, all you need to know is that Christina is now 15. Parker is 17, Melanie is almost 16, etc. I guess I only mention their ages because I am always so shocked when the series skips years, given that it just spent twelve books on three months of time. More or less. I'm still desperately trying to adjust to these people actually being teenagers, and I've had a rather hard time of it. Anyway, it's March and everyone is eagerly anticipating Miss America giving birth to yet another foal that Melanie immediately names Miss Perfect, making me want to grab one of these authors and shake them repeatedly while screaming "Why do you name all your horses Perfect this, something's Heart or combine both words in some horrible attempt to sugar coat everything to death! WHY?" I'm really just waiting for someone to name a horse Perfeart, and the tragedy will be complete. Anyway, it's very obvious that Ashleigh is still shell shocked over Wonder and Mike is all "just drop it! don't upset her, for Christ's sake!" whenever Christina points out that Star might very possibly belong at Whitebrook. It's clear that they're all walking on eggshells, desperate to maintain a semblance of calm so Ashleigh won't flip out and do something they'll all regret. Whatever that may be.

So Christina visits Star at Townsend Acres and Brad is being all upbeat about his championship potential, calling him their next champion and next Derby winner and next Triple Crown winner and seriously, Brad, like whoa. You can bring down the cheerfulness just a little because you're wasting it on Christina, who is determined to be sullen about everything. Brad informs her that they are going to start backing Star and Christina immediately has a hissy fit right there about how it is ONLY SPRING. Holy hell. So she brings it up to everyone who is anyone and everyone agrees that Brad is awesome and Christina should shut up already. Okay, they obviously didn't say Brad was awesome. I said that. Because it's true. And Christina should shut up already. But Christina is not to be deterred, because she is a main character in a horse story, and we know their MO by now. She and Melanie go to Townsend Acres to check in on Star and nothing is well. In fact, everything predictably sucks. Townsend Acres is too perfect. Too clean. Too successful. Too heavenly. Clearly it must be spoiled and rotten inside the, um, hearts of all their employees and whatever, because Star is being abused. Of course. Here we go again, kids. Let's strap ourselves in, for this is going to be a wild ride.

So Christina pitches another fit and Mr. Dunkirk, Brad's trainer who is fat and good at his job but not good, if you get my meaning, is no help and Christina threatens that she's going to be back! With her parents! Later today! And, seriously, Christina, you don't say that. This gives them a chance to prepare. Any moron with a slightly functional brain would know to keep their mouth shut. Clearly Christina is challenged in this area. So she comes back with her parents and clearly the horse is just dandy, but clearly only Christina can pick up on Star's not being totally dandy. Personally, I got a huge kick out of this section because they arrive during some random party Brad is throwing at the main residence and this is what he has to say:

Coming up beside Christina, he put his arm around her shoulder. "What do you think? Are we taking good care of your baby?"

Since he's been drinking what appears to be a lot of champagne, I can only conclude that Brad is smashed. That would really be the only way to explain this behavior.

Anyway, Mike and Ashleigh determine that Star is just fine. Christina does not accept this, and it takes Parker to explain to her that she's babied Star and he expects sweetness and light and doesn't really understand that life is not a boatload of rose petals all the time. Christina determines that it's all her fault. And, yeah, it might be Nana the goat's fault. God, Nana just won't go away. Parker then tells Christina that she should get a job at Townsend Acres as a groom and then he invites her on a private picnic, where they dash around on their horses and have this wonderful exchange that finally won me over a little more on the subject of Christina/Parker:

Christina: "That sounds like a date."
Parker: "So? Are you afraid of a date, Reese?"
Christina: "No way." *dashes off on some race thing*

And YES, I totally like this because he calls her Reese. Shut up. Parker then kills the mood by screaming whoowee, and then Christina totally does chicken out on the date and kills Parker's confidence, resulting in lots of confusion and annoying attempts to avoid each other.

Christina then becomes a groom at Townsend Acres, getting the grand tour by none other than Brad himself as he carts Christina around in a truck while completely winning her over on the grand majesty of the farm. This results in this conversation:

Brad: "Why are you so interested in working with Star? Whitebrook has a lot of nice colts and fillies. Besides, I thought you and Parker were only interested in that eventing business."
Chris: "We are. But Star's special When Wonder died, my mom was so upset, she wanted nothing to do with him. I took over and kind of became his mom. I'm sure that sounds silly to a professional horseman like you."
Brad: "No. It sounds like someone we both know very well. She was younger than you when she fell in love with Wonder, but she was just as obsessed."
Chris: "My mom, right?"
Brad: "Right. I never had any idea what she saw in that crippled foal. I was pretty certain Wonder wouldn't amount to anything, and boy, was I wrong."

But just wait for it. Waiiiit...

Brad: "Wonder's Star is going to be Townsend Acres' next champion. And no one is going to mess with that, especially not you."
Chris: "Wh-what do you mean?"

See, Alice can't get it straight with Brad. Nice, nice, nice...oops, too nice, let's swing all the way to evil! Brad isn't a psychopath, Alice. Please. Anyway, Christina learns all the military rules that Brad has suddenly decided to employ with Townsend Acres and Parker keeps delivering these ominous declarations of "he knows what you're doing all the time, Christina. he's watching you. he knows. he knows." Like, at this point I wouldn't be at all shocked if Christina woke up at night to find Brad sitting in the corner of her room, casually keeping tabs of her every movement and recording it all in a notebook entitled "Surveillance on the daughter of my arch nemesis/potential one time love interest."

Anyway, so it becomes very apparent that Brad knows, you guys. He knows everything. He knows without even having a person there to witness things that may be going on. He is clearly a demi-god, or he's got some special super powers that I can't even begin to seriously ponder. And Christina has fallen under this spell, much to Parker's shock.

Christina: Maybe you never gave Townsend Acres a chance.
Parker: I should have known.
Christina: Known what?
Parker: That you'd get sucked into my father's web.

The web of Brad! God, sign me up.

So Christina is all pissed about this, so she goes and long lines Star or whatever and almost gets trampled before Matt, random groom who is sweet and 18, comes in to sort of help her not get trampled. And Matt is cute. And adorable. And sweet. And Christina totally thinks he's cute, and then he takes her home on his motorcycle. And right here, right where she's clinging to his waist as he motorcycles her home, I started laughing. I didn't stop laughing for a while. Meanwhile, Melanie's all "Chris, you're dense." And Chris is all "Huh?" And Melanie smacks her head against a wall, or does the equivalent of this, probably, in private, and tells Christina that Parker is in love with her and she's motorcycling around with Matt, which Brad knows about because he knows everything? (Why does he care about this, is the grand question.) Christina, well, she just doesn't know. Then she does this Meadowbrook event with Sterling, but that sucks because she's not focusing on it and then Matt motorcycles out of nowhere to tell Christina that Brad is backing Star! Like, now! So Christina drops everything and Matt takes her back to the farm and she grabs his waist again and again I just die laughing.

Then the obvious happens. Brad is evil and is backing Star, but Christina demands that she help, resulting in Star flipping over and crushing the rider. Brad gets pissed at Christina for not controlling the horse...really it's just about everyone's fault at this point...and orders Parker off the farm when he comes to her defense. Then he orders Chris off the farm. Then Parker leaves in a huff, takes Christina with him and they drive back to Whitebrook and then back to the event, all the while having this "intense" (this is my "air quote" word for this conversation, not theirs, although I'm sure it totally would have been) talk about how much they like each other and then they start making out on the side of the road because it's so intense and their lives are so dramatic and Brad probably can see all of this happening in his super enhanced brain and is probably seething over it. Anyway, they get to the event after deciding to stop making out in the truck and Christina tells Ashleigh all about it and Mike tries to jump in to shield Ashleigh from the horror of having to deal with reality, but she stops him and they go off and save Star from Brad's handsome, long, wonderful fingers...yeah, I'm getting side tracked.

Okay, what really happened was Christina finds Star randomly still tied up with long lines or something, to the point that his nose is practically tied to his chest, something I really don't see happening at all, given that Brad sees and knows all and he's an amazing trainer given everyone's testimony and his singlehanded training job with March to Glory. I mean, seriously. So Christina cuts the lines and frees Star and Brad knows and shows up to defend himself or something and threaten her. Then Ashleigh comes in and everyone sort of goes still. At least I did. Brad and Ashleigh are interacting! My inner fangirl squees despite Parker over there being a downer with his "if you keep Star here you'll break his spirit, just like you did mine." And, you know, please. So Brad's getting it from all sides and he eventually just turns to Ashleigh and says, "She's your daughter, all right," which I find very weird. Like...what? Am I supposed to be reading into that as much as I did? So he also puts some conditions on giving Star back to Ashleigh. Like Star has to be phenomenal and win at least one of his first two races. Phenomenally. Or he's coming back to Townsend Acres. Ashleigh agrees. They pack up Star and go home to special Whitebrook to proceed with their training regimen of specialness.

• He was always polite to Christina, but whenever she saw him, she had a hard time being cordial in return. No freakin' kidding, Chris. Your overreaction to Brad being nice is legendary at this point.
  

• "Hmpf." Okay, Brad does not, under any circumstances, hmpf.

• On Brad and Wonder: "Didn't he try to make her lose one of her races on purpose?" Uh, no?

• On Ashleigh and Wonder: "I just remember what happened to Wonder when we pushed her too hard in training." Which was when?

• On Christina and Parker: She didn't know why one hug was making her feel so flustered. Chris, sweetie, you're fifteen. He's seventeen. If someone walked up and smacked her on the back of the head right now, it would be justified.

• On Christina and Brad: Would she have to call Brad "sir"? More important, would she have to do everything he told her to do? Oh, man, my brain went to a really bad place at this point. I am so ashamed.

• Christina has kissed many boys before Parker? What? Who are these many boys besides Dylan?
  

• Star rears and Brad immediately moves to shield his face. I couldn't help but think, "No! Not his beautiful face!" Yeah, I'm either pathetic or just that amused.

You know, I actually enjoyed this far more than I should have. Not because it was good, but mainly because it was just so damn funny. In fact, if all of the books could have been like this one, I wouldn't have complained. Or maybe it's just late and I'm in a ridiculously good mood for no reason. Maybe it's just that.

...

Maybe.