Melanie's Double Jinx is actually more like double vision -- just look at those two sexy men on the cover! Thoroughbred #69: Melanie's Double Jinx.

Melanie's Double Jinx
Thoroughbred #69
By Mary Newhall
January 2005

Can Jinx beat a curse?

With Christina sidelined by a broken ankle, Melanie is doing a lot of riding for Whitebrook, but none of it is quite to her satisfaction. There are just too many distractions. Jazz is more distant than ever after nearly selling Image to Brad Townsend. Kevin, who has been helping Melanie train Hi Jinx, has been stirring up old romantic feelings in Melanie. And even though Hi Jinx's training has been going pretty well, Melanie is worried about his prospects for the future. No matter what she does—or how she looks at it—Hi Jinx seems to be … well… jinxed.

The Summary:

Yeah, um, no. Let's deconstruct this and assign point values for accuracy:

• With Christina sidelined by a broken ankle (true +1)
  
• Melanie is doing a lot of riding for Whitebrook (false -1)
  
• Jazz is more distant than ever after nearly selling Image to Brad Townsend (true, but he was already pretty distant, so we'll call it 0)
  
• Kevin, who has been helping Melanie train Hi Jinx, has been stirring up old romantic feelings in Melanie (false. WTF? There is, like, one sentence when he asks, "Do you remember when we broke up?" -1)
  
• And even though Hi Jinx's training has been going pretty well (false -1)
  
• Melanie is worried about his prospects for the future (true, but that hardly counts, especially because we already disproved the "training has been going pretty well" part.  Net score:  0)

So our grand total is -2. I think that speaks for itself.


The Cover:

OH WOW. I'm pretty sure words cannot do this cover justice, but I will certainly try, because this one is too amazing to go unreviewed forever. So, first we have Melanie, who has apparently been transported to a summer camp out west or something. (Yes, I know there's no saddle horn on Jinx's saddle, but the whole feel of the cover is very Colorado somehow.) She is wearing a fetching lavender T-shirt with the longest short sleeves I've ever seen, and her entire ensemble looks more like Christina than Melanie (not to mention her reddish-brown/auburn/brown/strawberry blonde hair, also very Christina-ish), but other than that, I'll give her a pass.

The leading men … hoo boy. We have (I'm assuming) Jazz on the left, in green, and Kevin on the right, in red. But honestly, these boys are twins. The one on the right has slightly more reddish hair and looks slightly more goofy, which is why I'm assuming he's Kevin. Neither one of them looks a bit like a rock star or has a ponytail, as Jazz does. And freakily, they are dressed alike. The green one (presumably-Jazz) is wearing a T-shirt, the red one (supposedly-Kevin) is wearing a polo shirt. Other than that, they're both wearing jeans, docksiders, and watches with brown leather wristbands on their left wrists. So I don’t know, maybe they've just come from some sort of twins lookalike contest and are ready to unleash their combined manliness on Melanie? Your guess is as good as mine. For what it's worth, the horse doesn't look very impressed either.


The Plot:

It's November, shortly after #68. Melanie has moved Jinx to Tall Oaks, and Kevin is helping her train him. They decide he's ready to race. Okay, so to be perfectly honest, I have been so caught up in the exciting time-travel experience that was Samantha's unofficial diaries, I didn’t actually reread Breaking the Fall because Claire already did that for you. (We can ignore Kaitlin's Wild Ride since it's all about Kaitlin's autumn of luuuuurve and has no bearing on The Star Show.) So if you have more patience than me, have at it.

The main plotline of this book is that Jinx is an asshole, Melanie is worried that Jazz will sell him, and Melanie and Jazz have grown apart. Or apparently they broke up or something already and I missed that too. Kevin and Melanie take Jinx to Florida to run in the What a Pleasure stakes. Melanie rides a horse for Ghyllian Hollis and brings her in third. Jazz is in Florida recording an album because there are no recording studios in New York and pops onto the page long enough to have a fight with Melanie: he thinks she's not paying any attention to him and that every time she ignores him, God kills a kitten. He also says that the horses are an investment and "if they aren't bringing in a return, you've got a problem." Melanie thinks how much he's like Brad, which is true, but it's also hard to argue with. Sorry, Mel, you may be able to pay the bills by running around in the pages of a book and wearing ugly jeans, but the rest of us have actual bills to pay.

So after that little nugget, Jazz drops a second bombshell: He's going to sell Image. Melanie decides that Jinx better start earning his keep and win some purses so she can buy both horses from Jazz. Unfortunately, she screws it all up during his very next work, when Jinx gets away from her. They come in third in the What a Pleasure stakes, and she has a less-than-stellar ride on Gratis as well. Kevin yells at her for her sucky concentration, and they go back to Kentucky. Ashleigh tells Melanie that Jazz asked if they wanted to buy Image, but they can't pony up the cash right now. Kevin feels bad and apologizes. He says that Melanie can get through to Jinx and he'll prove it to her.

So then we're treated to a rehash of the Champion Theory of Horse Training from Champion's Spirit. Remember that one, guys? It was all Cindy's fault because she was sad about Storm and making Champion behave badly? While I would love to blame everything on Cindy, let's face it, Champion was also an asshole sometimes. (Of course, I suspect that he was also an asshole the way entitled, bratty little kids are assholes and you can usually blame that on their parents, so maybe we're onto something here.) Anyway, Melanie decides that the secret is to relax and "think of an easy gallop on the beach rather than a tough race on a crowded track." And because this is Thoroughbred, it works out wonderfully and Melanie decides she's going to listen to Kevin from now on. Barf.

Jazz drops by to tell Melanie he's sold Image, but she doesn't want to hear it. Christina makes a Very Special Guest Appearance to spill the beans on that one: Ben bought Image, and she'll be going back to Tall Oaks. (This part is kind of cute because as Christina says, "She's going home to where she was bred.") Jazz admits that he didn’t really know what he was getting into when he invested in the horses, and that "we had such a good time when it was all going right," until they hit financial problems. "Things go wrong," Melanie says, "it's part of life." It's a pretty fair assessment of the situation, and if I were feeling charitable, I might even say that it's a pretty good life lesson as well. Beginnings are easy, it's continuity that's hard. (Thank you, Rita Mae Brown.)

Jazz has more good news: Ben is paying him so much money that Melanie can keep racing Jinx and buy him. I guess Ben is like a combination charity/bank here. Oh well, what's the use of being rich if you can't buy presents for annoying teenage jockeys? I have to say, though, the purchase of Image puts Cindy's Arabic saddle and bridle to shame.

Allie (henceforth Mary Sue) starts bonding with Jinx, and he's a big ball of fluffy kitten happy rainbow fur with her. It's Christmas, and Melanie thinks up the perfect gift for Sue: a plane ticket to Florida to see Jinx race. How thoughtful, Melanie. So your gift is to bring Susie with you … so she can work and take care of Jinx … thus giving you the money to buy Jinx. Very generous. We are also treated to a "poor little impoverished orphan" scene in which Mary Sue gets "new clothes, makeup kits (WTF? No Thoroughbred heroine is ever allowed to want makeup), horse supplies," and a journal. Oh God, if the series had gone on longer, we would have been treated to some special editions featuring the journals of Mary Sue Allie Allison Gordon Avery al-Rihani. Thank goodness they pulled the plug when they did.

Oh right, and then of course Melanie runs Jinx in the Spectacular Bid (get it?) and Jazz comes to congratulate her and she lets fricking Mary Sue into the winner's circle with her. Ugh. I mean, oh, how sweet. Not.

And that's it. Melanie and Jazz are finally officially broken up and I guess the idea was to get Melanie and Kevin back together, but the series ended just a few books later and anyway I was so exhausted by this point that I truly didn’t care that Kevin was even working with the horses again, much less who he was dating. So, for those of you who were really looking forward to a lengthy Twilight-style love triangle between Melanie and Kevin and Jazz, sorry to disappoint, but on the plus side, it means you don't have to slog through this drivel.

Points of Interest:

• It's Thoroughbred, starring the vapor lights again! They are the very first thing mentioned in the book. No joke. Right after the word "The."
  
• It seems that both Brad and Christina have honored their deal from The Price of Fame—Melanie thinks that Brad just backed out of the deal to buy/breed Image, and she and Kevin wonder why.
  
• Our famous horsie sighting comes up early, when Kevin encourages Melanie to point Jinx toward the Derby. Melanie is worried about the curse that says any horse who wins the Breeder's Cup Juvenile won't win the Derby. Kevin rebuts by mentioning Spectacular Bid. Later Jinx runs in the Spectacular Bid stakes.
  
• Mary Sue starts high school in this book, because someone in TB-land finally has some sense: "The school wouldn't allow it [homeschooling] for more than a few weeks," Melanie said. "Cindy said they require parents to meet certain education requirements themselves, and she doesn't even have her associate's degree. Besides that, she and Ben both agreed that Allie needs to be around more people her own age."
  
• Melanie rides a Whitebrook horse named Determined in this book. I sort of like that because it was one of the names that AU-Rebecca proposed for AU-Jazz in Ashleigh's Christmas Miracle.
  
• Apparently Terry, the groom from Townsend Acres, has defected to Celtic Meadows. His last name has changed from Bush to Conley. Perhaps he's joined the witness protection program. (Or maybe he's not supposed to be the same Terry and I just missed that.)
  
• On a date with Jazz, Melanie wears "green jeans, a green-and-purple shirt that echoed the Tall Oaks colors, and sneakers." Dear God, she really is channeling Christina. Stop the madness!

Next up: One more book of this to go. I'll take bets on whether I'm able to get through an entire book of Mary Sue or not.

Apparently the price of fame is to look goofy and wear hideous pink shirts. TB #64: The Price of Fame.

The Price of Fame
Thoroughbred #64
By Mary Newhall
April 2004

Christina saved Star from a stalker, but can she protect him from Brad Townsend?

When Christina first moved Star to Townsend Acres to keep him safe from his stalker, she couldn't stand the thought of keeping him under Brad's roof. But now that they've settled in, she can't complain: The facilities are great and Brad is keeping a polite distance. But just when Christina begins to let down her guard, she makes a shocking discovery. …

It turns out Brad is under a great deal of pressure from his investors to produce more moneymaking horses—horses bred from winners like Star and Light Fandango, a descendant of the famous Kentucky Derby winner Northern Dancer. Christina begins to suspect that Brad will force her to breed Star with one of his mares as payment for boarding Star. Christina will do anything to keep Star safe from Brad, but will she have a choice?

The Summary:

This is probably the most accurate summary I've read lately.  In fact, I considered just copy and pasting the first paragraph below, because that's basically the deal:  Townsend Acres is beautiful and well-managed, but Christina and Melanie wonder what on earth they're doing there.  Of course, you have to deduct about six points for the two famous horsie references in the second paragraph.

The Cover:

Oh man.  I'm pretty sure this travesty was the reason I wanted to get back into writing recaps.  That, and because it pays so well.  Anyway, the style is just completely bizarre, sort of like a cross between anime and CGI.  Or is anime all computer-generated these days anyway?  Well, whatever.  It looks 100% strange and cartoonish.  Christina's eyes (assuming that's Christina) are as big as Star's and I guess it's just the angle at which she's lovingly and protectively lying across his neck, but she also looks like the fattest jockey in existence.

The Plot:

So after Christina's questionable taste in new friends, she retreats to Townsend Acres with Star, even though the stalker left for California at the end of the last book.  I'm not completely clear on why Christina didn't just take Star back to Whitebrook and agree not to befriend any more weirdo stalkers, but I guess they had to get Christina to TA somehow, since, as we all know, Melanie isn't good enough to carry a plot on her own.  I mean, it wasn't good enough that Melanie wanted to be a jockey and Christina wanted to event, oh nooooo, Christina had to want to race too.  Whatever.  So Melanie is working with Jinx, who is even crazier than Image.  She's also agreed to let Brad breed Image to Celtic Mist.

The first third or so of this book involves Townsend Acres being beautiful and well-managed, but Christina and Melanie wondering what on earth they're doing there.  Christina overhears Brad and Lavinia talking about a syndicate meeting that Brad has to attend.  Apparently this means that Brad sells shares of his horses to investors so he can keep having cash to make improvements to his beautiful, well-managed farm.

Brad invites Christina and Melanie to dine with him (complete with "chilled forks"—is that a thing?) and asks them to exercise-ride some horses for Ralph Dunkirk.  Most of this dinner is actually taken up by Brad's snide comments about Christina and her parents.  Confession time:  I am not a big Brad fan.  I don't think he's Batman and I had a really hard time writing that Brad/Ashleigh challenge ficlet that Mara asked for one time.  But here he's probably the most interesting he's been since the OG books because everything he says is true:  Ashleigh and Mike have never really shown off Whitebrook.  Almost every great winner they've had did come from TA bloodlines (except for Glory, and TA owns half of Glory anyway).  Brad says, "The animals we breed and train are income-producing stock. The challenge of breeding for racing excellence, to become the best, is what it's all about."  Christina counters with, "Horses are glorious, magnificent creatures with personalities, and there's nothing so wonderful as connecting with one of them," and while that's probably what we're supposed to think, it sounds pretty ridiculous right this moment.  There was an early Saddle Club book that featured horse-racing and Carole coming to the realization that some horses are not just for fun and worth a couple hundred or maybe a thousand dollars; for some, they are big money and it's almost like they're not the same animal as a pleasure horse at all.  Sorry, Christina, but I think you lose this round.

Oh, and this is so important that it gets its own paragraph:  after Christina's little declaration, Brad comes back with, "I don't need to get attached to the horses to enjoy the benefits they provide me."  I guess maybe it's true; he never did love another horse after they had to destroy Townsend Prince.

Christina rides some horses with incredibly stupid names:  Townsend's Silver Spoon, TA Illumination, and Pride's Light Fandango.  Light Fandango is the one who's supposed to be important, because he has Northern Dancer bloodlines (famous horsie reference of the book).  Also, I think some of those names exceed the 18-character limit, unless that's supposed to mean "Silver Spoon who belongs to Townsend" and "Light Fandango who belongs to Pride" … no, that doesn't make any sense.

Surprising no one, Light Fandango is amazing and all that.  Ralph asks her to ride him in the Kentucky Cup.  At first Christina says no, because "Brad would never want me to race a Townsend Acres horse."  Ralph says that's true (zing!) but they need a jockey, so Christina says yes.  Jinx has been performing well, so Melanie plans to enter him in the Kentucky Cup.  She can't believe it when Christina says she's agreed to ride Light Fandango for TA.  Christina tells Ashleigh, who is clearly pissed but decides to go the passive-aggressive route and say she doesn't mind.

The Kentucky Cup happens (that was quick).  Melanie wins on Jinx, Christina brings Light Fandango in second, one of Ghyllian Hollis' colts runs third, and a Whitebrook horse named American Jazz is fourth.  Light Fandango is really tired, so Ralph says they'll leave him at the track overnight.  Christina gets back to TA just in time to find Brad showing off for the investors, who do not seem impressed.  They don't want Celtic Mist's bloodlines, they want a Wonderpony, and Brad failed in his quest to get Champion back to TA.  They ask if Star will stand stud at TA.

Christina freaks out and wants to move Star right away, accusing Brad of planning this.  Brad just rolls his eyes and tells her, "I didn't find someone to stalk your horse so that I could offer to let you keep Star here, I didn't call my foreign investors and invite them to have an unplanned stockholders' meeting so that I could show off Star and Image, and I didn't tell them Star is mine."  Brad tries three different tactics:  first he tells her, "We're really not all that different, you and I. We both like to compete and we both like to win. … For all your righteousness, you're as aggressive and focused as I am. The big difference is that I recognize it in myself, and I'm okay with it."  When that doesn't work, he says that if she loves Parker, she should want Brad to be successful so he can inherit TA someday.  When that still doesn't work, Brad tells her that if she takes Star away from TA, he'll buy Image from Jazz.  Well, that does it.  Christina's not sure what to do.

Melanie gets back to the farm and gets a call from Jazz.  Turns out Brad has already made the offer, and Jazz is considering it.  Melanie is heartbroken.

Christina spends several pages stewing and moping, until she comes up with a brilliant plan.  (Note generous use of "brilliant" in that sentence.)  She goes to Whitebrook to talk it over with Ashleigh and Mike.  They agree, but to draw out the suspense, we don't find out what the plan is for about 10 pages.

Christina goes back to TA with a ginormous check for Brad—the amount of money she won in the Belmont.  Christina says it's to pay for Image's therapy and for Brad to relinquish his interest in her first foal.  She and Brad get to do a little more verbal sparring, in which Brad tells her that "I get the same thrill out of cutting a smart business deal as you get winning a race. We have different priorities, but it's all about using your skills to come in first," and Christina can't really disagree.  In the end, Brad agrees, but adds one condition to the deal:  "A breeding with Star to the mare of my choice."  Christina figures he's just trying to get a foal out of Image, so she stipulates, "Any mare that is owned by TA."  Brad grimaces and says, "You outmaneuvered me on that one," which I don't really get.  I mean, they haven't signed anything, so they could just as easily continue to argue about it (though maybe the whole point is that Christina figured out what Brad was trying to get out of the condition?).  Christina's final condition is that Brad not tell Melanie or Parker about their deal.  Brad tells Christina that he'll call Jazz and she should get off the farm that night.

Then we have one more chapter in which Image is no one's Wonderpony and refuses to get on the damn trailer, and Christina and Melanie go back to Whitebrook and we end with a scene so sappy it rivals Full House, in which "all the nice stuff in the world doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't feel like home."  Thanks, Ashleigh.  That would mean a lot more coming from you if you weren't the worst mother since Alice Wakefield.

Points of Interest:

• Ah, OG canon check:  passed!  "Aunt Caroline" did indeed date Brad before he met Lavinia.
  
• Melanie is thinking of "Misty Image" as a name for the foal.  That's great Mel, because we don't have enough horses that sound like My Little Ponies.  I guess that's better than Perfect Celtic.
  
• One of the investors says that Townsend Pride "hasn't sired a foal of any renown for years."  If he were still alive, he'd been awfully old by this time.  In Ashleigh's Diary he is four, which I've always thought was a bit of a weird retcon given that Wonder would have been conceived that year, and the way they were talking about Townsend Pride's foals, it seemed like he'd been at stud for a lot longer than that.  But okay, if we accept that he was born when Ashleigh was seven, he'd be 35 years old now.  Maybe he needs horse Viagra.

Next up:  Sorry, I forgot that The Price of Fame hadn't been recapped, so next it really is the Samantha weddingfest of Bridal Dreams.

Try not to yawn as much through this recap as I did through the book. Thoroughbred #60: Taking the Reins

Taking the Reins
Thoroughbred #60

By Jennifer Chu

August 2003

It's time for Christina and Melanie to make some big decisions.

Christina loves being a jockey. But a heartbreaking accident at the Belmont track forces her to reconsider veterinary medicine. Working with a horse that has Charismatic's bloodlines reminds Christina of Charismatic's amazing story—how he unexpectedly won the Derby and the Preakness in 1999, only to go down in the Belmont with a broken leg. It would feel pretty great to help horses in similar situations. But how can she turn her back on Wonder's Star?

Meanwhile, Melanie finds her relationship with her cousin strained when she decides to ride a horse for the very couple Christina holds responsible for her accident. For Melanie, her prospects as a jockey seem clear, but her future with the people she loves—Christina, Jazz, and even Image—is less certain. How will Melanie prove to Christina that she puts the people she loves first?

The Summary:

I will give it a generous 2/10.  Yes, there is a heartbreaking accident.  Christina goes on and on about being a vet (again).  Other than that, everything, including that entire second paragraph, is bullshit.  Their relationship is strained for, like, maybe half a page.

The Cover:

Um, the less said about this travesty, the better.  Are there even stirrups on that saddle?  Why does Christina look like she's riding a rocking horse?  Why is that horse's head a veiny mess?  (Though to be fair, if I were having a "heartbreaking accident," my face would probably be a veiny mess too.)  Also, let's note that the front-cover tag says "Will Charismatic's tragedy cause Christina to give up her dreams of being a jockey?"  Sorry, HarperCollins, not even close.

The Plot:

This book zips back and forth between Christina and Melanie, until it doesn't anymore.  So chapter 1 is a Christina chapter.  We pick up after the Belmont—literally right after; Christina's still standing in the winner's circle talking to reporters—when Christina runs into Patrick and Amanda Johnston, those annoying California people.  They ask her to ride one of their fillies, Noble Answer (Nobie). Christina and Parker get back together … right before he goes back to England and she stays at Belmont for the rest of the summer.  Yeah, that makes sense.

Chapter 2:  Melanie wins a race on Blue Streak for the Johnstons.  She talks to Jazz on the phone.  Jazz tells her that Image is doing well, but Brad's served them with a massive bill, shocking no one.  Melanie angsts about whether she should give Image's first foal to Brad to pay the bills.

Chapter 3:  Christina rides some horses for the Johnstons and agrees to ride Matter of Time (Matt) in the Suburban.  She goes out to dinner with Aaron, and tells him that she got back together with Parker.  Burn.  Aaron gets sick, and Christina exercises Calm Before the Storm (Callie).

Chapter 4:  Melanie and Jazz have a hot date that includes walking Image and eating turkey and ham sandwiches.  Damn, they rival Christina and Parker for Passionate Romance of the Thoroughbred Century.  Jazz says he wants to buy another racehorse.

Chapter 5:  Christina rides Callie in a race.  He stumbles.  She's not sure what to do, but he keeps running, so she lets him … until he stumbles again.  He goes down, shattering some bones and tearing some tendons.  They haul him off to the vet clinic, which I think is the same as when they tell us at the shelter that a cat went to "the barn program."

Chapter 6:  Melanie asks Cindy for advice about being a jockey.  I’m not sure that Cindy is the right person to ask about this.  Melanie goes to Whitebrook for dinner with Ashleigh, Mike, Ian, Beth, Kevin, Sammy, Tor, Cindy, Ben … Jesus, what is this, a Whitebrook reunion?  These characters actually still talk to each other?  You could've fooled me. Christina calls to tell them about the accident.

Chapter 7:  The vet, Dr. Reuter, tries to operate on Callie, but he has "no chance of a meaningful recovery."  His owner, Marisa, agrees to have him put down.  Christina asks to see him, but the vet says that "he's in too much pain to recognize anyone."  Ahh, not bad work here, Jennifer, 'cause sometimes this is true.  (I may be a little bitter about this trope, having recently reread Goodbye, Midnight Wanderer.)  Christina gets all self-flagellating (wow, that sounds dirty) and blames herself for Callie's death.

Chapter 8:  Melanie goes to Belmont.  The Johnstons offer her a ride on one of their horses, Enigmatic, if Christina doesn't take it.

Chapter 9:  Christina is nervous and insecure about riding.  She lets Charisma get away from her during a work.  She's called to an inquiry about Callie's death.  She wonders if the Johnstons rushed him back to the track before he was sound.  Christina declines the ride on Enigmatic, and Amanda tells her that they already asked Melanie as a backup.  Christina proceeds to flip out and wonder how Melanie could possibly consider riding for such awful people who would kill a poor innocent defenseless horse.  Honestly, even for Christina, this is a stretch.

Chapter 10:  Melanie rides Enigmatic.  The stewards have dismissed the inquiry into Callie's death.  Christina is all sulky and crap, until Aaron shows her a tape of the race and she can't see the moment when Callie first stumbled.  After that, she's still all sulky and crap, but tells Melanie she just needs some time, and that she wants to be a vet.  Well, that wasn't so bad.  Only a few books of angsting and moaning; we're making progress here.

Chapter 11:  Christina tours Dr. Reuter's Super Secret Outer Space Other Hemisphere Ten Way vet facility and is all jazzed about being a vet, but decides she has to keep her word to the Johnstons and ride Matt in the Suburban.

Chapter 12:  Jazz comes to Belmont.  He tells Melanie that he made a deal with Brad:  they'll breed Image to Celtic Mist, and Jazz and Brad will share ownership of the foal 51-49.  Jazz and Melanie agree to look for another racehorse.

Chapter 13:  Christina rides Matt in the Suburban.  She's overly cautious, and at first he's 15 lengths off the lead.  Then she decides to snap out of it, and eventually brings him in third.  And thus ends Christina's racing career (I hope).  Thank God.  I've been waiting for this since book 40.

Points of Interest:

• This book is dedicated to "Barbara, Charlene, Cindy, Dominique, Marisa, and Patrick in honor of all our undergrad adventures," who all pop up as characters.  Barbara, Charlene, and Dominique are Melanie and Katie's friends; Marisa is Callie's owner, and of course Patrick is Patrick Johnston.  There's no Cindy, I guess because it would be too confusing with real!Cindy.  I can't decide if I find this sweet or annoying.
  
• We all know that Jennifer Chu was a fan of the books before she ever wrote any of them, which I normally like, but she's very hit-or-miss about the little details she throws in.  She tells us that Cindy missed riding Honor Bright, which is correct; she would've been eighteen (and in Dubai, then New York) when Honor was three.  We also find out that Honor and Glory's daughter, Honor and Glory (how's that for creative?  They must've really been missing Cindy's magic touch with the naming there), ran third in the Derby the year Christina was ten.  However, Jennifer also feels the need to remind us that "Cindy had played a large role in March to Glory's training. The horse had set a record in the Breeders' Cup Classic and had been named Horse of the Year after his three-year-old season."  As if anyone could have forgotten (and believe me, some of us tried).
  
• Also, Christina later rides March to Honor, another of Honor and Glory's foals.  I hope they didn’t have more than two; what would they have called it, March to Bright?
  
• In a well-meaning but misguided attempt to comfort Christina, Melanie tells her, "You have to believe that Callie will make it, just like Raven and Image did."  Yeah, that helps a lot, Melanie.  So far, I guess the accident count is Melanie 1, Christina 2.
  
• Whitebrook has a horse named Charisma, a daughter of Pride, not to be confused with Charismatic, who won the Derby and the Preakness in 1999 but broke down in the Belmont.  His jockey, Chris Antley, acted quickly to save his life.  Does that sound familiar?  I hope so, because that's your Famous Horsie reference of the book.
  
• Melanie thinks that maybe "Enigma" would be a good nickname for "Enigmatic."  She really has  been spending time with Cindy.
  
• Is it bad that I keep getting this book mixed up with Breaking the Fall?   Not on the basis of plot, just on the basis of title.  (Or maybe on the basis of plot after all; I think Breaking the Fall also features Christina and Melanie supposedly having a "fight" of some sort.)  I was always sort of glad that the Thoroughbred titling convention stayed far, far away from the Baby-Sitters Club-esque style of "Christina and the Broken Leg of Doom," but at the same time, it would be nice if the titles actually helped you keep the storylines straight.

Next up:  The hideously-titled Parker's Passion, already reviewed by Claire.  Next up from me:  I can't believe I'm about to say this, but in comparison to this festival of tedium, I'm almost looking forward to the Samantha Diary of Exposition.

I feel inspired, oh so inspired. Thoroughbred #59: Star's Inspiration

Star's Inspiration
Thoroughbred #59
By Mary Anderson
June 2003

It's Star's last strike. …

Christina Reese has always known that Wonder's Star is special. But as the third race in the Triple Crown approaches, it's unclear whether Star is up to the challenge. The competition is getting tougher every minute, and Christina's so stressed out, she wonders whether all the pressure she's feeling will affect Star's concentration.

But then Christina gets some fantastic tips from an unexpected source: a jockey who claims to have raced the legendary 1977 Triple Crown winner, Seattle Slew. Star and Seattle Slew have more in common than Christina ever realized. With this new advice—and the amazing support of her family and friends—Christina feels ready to take on the world at the Belmont! But will Star come through?

The Summary:

Oh look! A big fat 0% on this one. I guess Star's imaginary three-paragraph illness is supposed to be the "is Star up to the challenge?" part. Christina is far less stressed-out and annoying than she was before the Preakness, and she never actually talks to said legendary jockey at all. One point for both Seattle Slew and Star nearly dying of a viral infection, but otherwise, that's a solid F+, HarperEntertainment.  

The Cover:

What on earth is Christina wearing? It looks like a polyester business suit. The shoulderpads, the ribbons … is she riding in the Belmont, or going to be a secretary in the 1970s? Also, apparently Whitebrook's colors have become black and blue, not blue and white, and I'm not sure Christina's helmet is fastened there, so it's good she didn't fall off in this book. I'm going to guess that on the left, that's Emilio Casados on Celtic Mist, so I'll give them credit for a) the horse being a gray, and b) the jockey wearing some shade of green, although I'm pretty sure that's a green sport coat he's wearing. And to the right, on the black-ish horse … what is that, the pink blob of Belmont?

The Plot:

Christina is in the starting gate for the Belmont, having a flashback to the way Image broke her leg during the Derby two books ago. Damn, that was quick. No 150 pages of whining and moping before the Belmont? No, never fear, life would never be that kind, for it turns out that it's just a dream and Ashleigh wakes Christina up.

Then we get into a rehash of basically all the things that happened in the last book, such as: Parker is worried about Brad's designs on Melanie and Image. Christina is not sure what she wants to do after high school and after Star finishes racing. Dani tells Christina how glad she is she's going to college and how excited she is to be a vet. Image won the Derby, Celtic Mist won the Preakness, and Wild 'n' Free (that colt from Celtic Meadows) came in second in the Preakness. Wait, I think some of this was already rehashed in the last book. Well, that's okay, there's nothing like a good comprehension check in the middle of the story. There's going to be a quiz at the end, you know.

Ashleigh, Melanie, and Christina visit Ghyllian Hollis and Vince Jones at Celtic Meadows, which is apparently the U.S. offshoot of the main facility in Shannon, Ireland. Hmm, I bet this will be important in about seven books or so. Vince is looking for a jockey for a colt named Celtic Knot. Melanie is riding for Townsend Acres, so Christina says yes.

Christina wins a race on Charisma, and brings Celtic Knot in second. Melanie comes in second on two Townsend Acres horses. She's clearly been drinking the Kool-Aid, because when Brad suggests breeding Celtic Mist to Image, Melanie says that might be "one incredible foal." Don't worry, though; Vicky Frontiere is still there to reaffirm that we hate Townsend Acres and she doesn't want to ride for them.

Ian calls the track in a panic to say that Star is sick, but by the time they get home, he's fine. I guess this is supposed to interject half a chapter of tension into the story before we finally make it to the Belmont in Chapter 10. The next day Christina exercises Gratis because Wolf quit working at Tall Oaks after he was suspended after the Preakness. Christina suggests that Cindy ask Melanie to ride Gratis in the Belmont.

Christina and Melanie graduate from high school and go out to dinner with Ashleigh, Mike, Samantha, Tor, and Parker. Samantha and Tor announce that they're having a baby. For some reason they don't go out with Ian, Beth, and Kevin (who is not mentioned in this book at all, but in later books they talk about how he's going to college in the fall). I might as well take this moment to rant about the fact that this is not possible at all. Melanie was born in the spring, Christina was born on Christmas, and Kevin was born the next spring. There's no way the three of them would be in the same class. Either Henry Clay has a September 1 cutoff, which means that Christina and Kevin could be in the same class but Melanie couldn't, or else they have a January 1 cutoff, which means that Melanie and Christina could be in the same class but Kevin couldn't. I can't begin to guess. My only fanon theory is that maybe Melanie got held back at some point. But trying to make this work logically is like trying to make the ages for Sweet Valley Twins line up, so I just don't even try anymore.

They take Star to Belmont and meet some famous people: Karen Taylor, Seattle Slew's owner; and Jean Cruguet, Slew's jockey. Oooh, I bet one of these people is supposed to be Star's inspiration. Five dollars, anyone? Cindy takes Christina to visit the farm where Legacy is at stud. The farm isn't all that nice, but the people are. They tell Christina and Cindy how much they love Legacy and how sweet he is. On the way back, Christina point-blank admits, "I never should have let him go." This is a rehash from earlier books too, but I like the way this whole thing plays out: Christina admits she was a brat, although probably no more so than most twelve-year-olds; we continue to acknowledge that Ashleigh was wrong to push racing so hard; and Legacy is fine, it's just sad that Wonder's supposedly-last baby never really got a chance. Bittersweet stuff all around.

Then we get back to Belmont and morph into a crossover with The Saddle Club: Speed.com has been stolen! Speed.com, if you remember, is trained by Alexis Huffman, who worked (dishonestly) for Fredericka Graber when she still owned Tall Oaks. I think I have that right. Check out the recap for #44: Perfect Image if you want to know more. Christina remembers that before the Preakness, Speed.com looked like he might be going lame. She speculates that Alexis arranged for him to be stolen. Gasps all around. All right, now let's get Deborah Hale to write an article and we will skulk around and get people to admit that … whoops, wrong series. Instead, Christina and Melanie skulk around in a car and try to find the horse. Right, because whoever stole him would be keeping him in a paddock next to the highway. They see a horse that they think could be Speed.com, and report it to the track security manager. Christina tells Melanie she's thinking of becoming a vet.

They draw positions for the Belmont:
Gratis – gate 1
Magnifique – 2
Derry O'Dell – 3
Wild 'n' Free – 4
Star – 5
Celtic Mist – 6
TV Time – 7
War Ghost – 8

For those keeping track, there were 9 in the Derby and 9 in the Preakness. I don’t know who we're missing—Ingleside, I guess. Granted, I know there have been small fields in the Belmont before, but I suspect that this painstaking listing of horses/gates/jockeys is because we're supposed to feel a deep kinship (or at least name recognition) with all these horses, and I really haven't been paying enough attention for that to work.

There's a pre-race party at Will and Susan Graham's the night before. There are a whole bunch of people there: Magnifique's owner, Ghyllian Hollis, Jilly Gordon and Craig Avery (hey, remember them? I'm sure they WON'T become an important plot point in about ten books). Will announces that they found Speed.com after Christina and Melanie's anonymous tip led them to a farm outside Elmont. It turns out Alexis did, indeed, engineer the theft of her own horse. Way to go, Christina and Melanie. That was the most boring Saddle Club mystery ever.

Finally, the goddamn Belmont happens. At first Star breaks badly, then he gets blocked in, then sees a hole and goes for it. She tries to keep Star under control, then remembers what Jean Cruguet said about Seattle Slew: "He just hung on and let the horse run the race his way." This is truly hilarious because the only person who ever actually said those words was Cindy, who was quoting something she read. Though really, Cindy probably would have been about as much help as Jean Cruguet here. A mere 118 words later, in the most underwhelming race scene/denouement ever, Star wins the Belmont. Turns out Parker came to watch the race and kisses Christina (even though they were still broken up or something like that), and Christina knows that "everything was going to be just perfect." Ugh.

There is a super-inspiring biography of Seattle Slew at the end. I guess it's supposed to be inspiring because Seattle Slew "nearly los[t] his jockey, Jean Cruguet, at the start of the 1977 Kentucky Derby" just like Star and Christina did here? I don't even know.

So there's your Triple Crown, folks.
Derby: Image, Mist, Gratis
Preakness: Mist, Wild 'n' Free, Gratis (disqualified), Star
Belmont: Star, Gratis, Mist. (Not sure about place and show—Gratis and Mist were fighting it out down to the wire but they don't confirm the exact finish. But it's not really supposed to matter because Star won !1!!1eleventyone!!)

Points of Interest:

• The vapor lights make an early appearance in chapter 1.
• At one point, Ashleigh says, "We had some great years at Edgardale when I was young" and gives a "heavy sigh." Christina knows "her mother must be thinking about the horses they had lost because of the epidemic." Ah, very observant, Christina. Good thing you want to become a vet and not a psychologist.
• For the party, Christina wears a "sleeveless blue-and-white dress." Okay, we get it, Christina. You like your horsies. You are allowed to pick other colors, you know. Maybe something else would set off your ever-changing hair better.
• Jilly is described as the person who "jockeyed Ashleigh's Wonder until a broken leg kept her from racing, forcing Ashleigh to get her jockey's license so that she could ride Wonder in the Breeder's Cup." Which is actually mostly correct. +1 for Mary.

Next up: the Breeder's Cup! No, just kidding. It's another Jennifer Chu book, which means those California people will be back.

Christina's Shining Star is not all that shiny. Thoroughbred #58: Christina's Shining Star

Christina's Shining Star
Thoroughbred #58
By Mary Anderson
April 2003

Can Christina and Star pull off a victory?

As Christina Reese's high school graduation draws near, she's filled with questions and not enough answers. Has she sacrificed too much to follow her dream of taking Wonder's Star to the top? She and Star failed to place in the Kentucky Derby. Can they win the Preakness and still have time for Parker, Melanie, the prom, and graduation?

An unexpected brush with the trainer of Affirmed—the famous 1978 Triple Crown winner—not only leaves Christina with some amazing insights, but confirms her belief in Star. Will Christina be able to show everyone how special Star is? Or will her doubts and distractions keep them out of the running … again?

The Summary:

Eh, 50% credit. I think they could have left out everything except the last two sentences, because that's basically what this book is about. It's amazing how you can stretch three weeks to fill 160 pages.  

The Cover:

I don't know what happened -- they must have switched to a new artist or something -- but starting with this book, some of the covers have this weird, cartoony, almost video-game-ish look to them. (Just wait till I get my hands on you, The Price of Fame.) I guess Star is curving his head around from his body, although it looks kind of like Christina has her hands on two different horses here. And what is she wearing? Is it ... the uniform of a Catholic schoolgirl? The puff sleeves that Anne Shirley so wistfully coveted in Anne of Green Gables? Yet another style of Whitebrook silks? The world may never know. What I object to most is the tagline "Can the legendary racehorse Affirmed inspire Star to glory?", which has little to nothing to do with the inspiration that actually happens in this book. Also, Affirmed died in 2001.  

The Plot:

In one of those awesome split-book-type-scenes, Christina's Shining Star picks up from the end of the Kentucky Derby. While Image is shooting across the finish line and breaking her leg, Star is getting boxed in and finishing dead last. The rest of this chapter is a total loss, since it helpfully informs us of things like the fact that Celtic Mist came in second, Gratis came in third, and Image gets moved to Townsend Acres to recover. This is why split-screen tends to work better in movies than books.

As for the actual book, it basically follows a pattern of something happening and then Christina whining and moping. She and Ashleigh have a couple of arguments about why Star got boxed in. One night at dinner she plays with her food, lining up her veggies " so that they formed the same bunching that had held Star up during the Derby." Aside from the fact that it makes Christina sound like she's two years old, this is kind of cute because it reminds me of the time she made a jump course out of her food. How times have changed.

Christina takes a little break from moping to go to the prom with Parker, but she puts her foot in it by asking Katie who came up with the theme, when Katie has told her several times that she was in charge of the decorations. Oops. The night gets even better when Parker tells her point-blank, "Your ego got in the way," and "if you had been more focused on the quality of horses Star was running against and not stuck on the idea that Star deserved to win, you might have done better." Christina throws a hissy fit and demands that Parker take her home, then wonders "why life had to be so complicated."

The next day, Cindy and Samantha come over to talk to Ashleigh about some breedings, including Sterling to Jazzman. Because he was trained as a jumper. Just like that time he ran in the Pimlico Special. Boy, there sure are some great jumps on that track, aren't there? Anyway, Christina whines and mopes to Cindy and Sammy how stressed she is, what with racing Star and fighting with Ashleigh and taking some finals in those, like, two classes she attends. One of them is "contemporary world problems." I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it's to show that Christina's whining and moping issues are nothing in the grand scheme of things. No, more likely it's to show that Christina's problems are as weighty as the problems of the world. Speaking of which, Katie is still ticked off at Christina, which is just so rude and unsympathetic because doesn't Katie know that Christina is the only teenager in the history of the world who's ever ridden in a horse race?

 Ashleigh and Christina fight some more about how Christina didn't pay attention during the Derby and needs to do better in the Preakness. At this point, and we're only about a quarter of the way through the book, I want to drop both of them in a pile of manure. You know, I feel bad for Ashleigh most of the time because it seems like she spends a lot of time caught up in boring administrative stuff and not doing what she wants to do, but all she seems to be doing here is telling Christina she needs to do better without actually giving her suggestions about how to do it better. Maybe that's Ian's job. He's still around, isn't he?

 The next day, a reporter shows up at the farm and writes a bitchy article about Christina and Star, which causes Christina to whine and mope. She goes to visit Melanie at her fancy Townsend Acres cottage and whines and mopes on the way home. She goes over to Tall Oaks and whines and mopes so much that Cindy suggests that she bring Star over to train there so she can get away from Ashleigh. Cindy also says that Gratis is such a handful because he has both Affirmed and Alydar in his bloodlines. Get it? AFFIRMED and ALYDAR? Remember those guys? Oh, do you not know who they are? Well, that's okay, because we will be glad to explain it to you! Honestly, sometimes these characters walk around sounding like they've swallowed Wikipedia.

Cindy thinks it's great to have Christina at Tall Oaks because Wolf needs to learn some good old-fashioned jockey manners. I don't think Christina is the person to teach him about that, but okay, whatever you want, Cindy. She and Christina go on a trail ride, and Cindy says she's going to start taking courses at community college this fall, so that she can be "more of a help to Tall Oaks than just a horse trainer." Very subtle. Of course, Cindy is the one who came up with "Wonder's Champion," so … never mind. Wolf and Christina work their horses together, and Christina accuses him of interfering with her, but Wolf tells her that he never touched her and she's just being too timid. Christina whines and mopes.

Christina takes Star to Pimlico a few days before the Preakness, where she just happens to run into Steve Cauthen, who won the Triple Crown on Affirmed in 1978. Right, Affirmed! Remember him? The horse we were just talking about? Purely coincidental, of course. Anyway, Ghyllian Hollis and Vince Jones are also there with a colt called Wild 'n' Free, also a descendant of Affirmed, who's racing in the Preakness too. I think we're supposed to care, but honestly, I have a hard time keeping track of all these different farms/horses and which ones are supposed to win/place/show in which races. Later, some other awesome horse named Magnifique turns up too, and he is magnificent. Get it?

Christina overhears some of the other jockeys talking about Wolf's reckless riding style, but decides not to say anything to him, particularly after he makes fun of her for losing a race on another one of Ghyllian Hollis' horses. Dani tells Christina more than she ever wanted to know about her college course schedule, which is "worth the effort because I'll be able to help the animals I love." Is anyone seeing a pattern here, or is it just me? No? Just me. Okay then.

Brad and Lavinia come by Star's stall, explaining to a group of investors (? Friends? Groupies?) that Christina bought out his interest in Star, and that they are so pleased that she's turned him back into a nice riding horse, even if he no longer has the competitive spirit. Christina rallies and says Brad is lucky "to be able to buy a colt with such good bloodlines, since you couldn't produce one worthy of the Triple Crown at Townsend Acres." Oooh, if this were a movie, there would be a cool sound effect right now. Ghyllian Hollis comes by to agree that Brad is a pompous jerk and to invite Christina to a party that night, where she runs into Steve Cauthen again. His sage advice is that "all you need is a little more confidence in your connection with your horse. Going out there knowing you've got a great horse under you is really important." Funny, this is exactly the same logic I use when I play the lottery. You can see how well that's worked.

Then the Preakness happens. This has to be the most boring race in the history of Thoroughbred. (Note: I have not read, um, most of the books lately, so I'm willing to take nominations for the actual winner of the "most boring race" award.) It is 14 paragraphs of actual race and the only thing of note is that Wolf cuts Christina off, and Star comes in fourth. Ian and Ashleigh tell her what a great/terrific job she did, though they don't sound particularly enthusiastic. Christina says they only placed fourth, but Wolf was disqualified, so Star is moved up to third. Celtic Mist wins, Wild 'n' Free comes in second. Wait, that was it? And the point of this would be … what? When you stop whining and moping and just have confidence in your horse, you place third? Sounds like a solid game plan to me.

And thus we enter a dark age of Thoroughbred, where every book includes an encounter with a famous person/horse that is supposed to be somehow relevant to the plot. I can't decide if this is better or worse than the famous-horsie-trail-ride that Cindy took in Ashleigh's Farewell -- at least those horses weren't real.  

Points of Interest:

• "Christina had been so sure that Star's start from the number three position would put them in a good place right at the beginning of the race, she hadn't thought beyond it. She hadn't anticipated Perfect Image, Gratis, and Speed.com getting into a speed duel right from the start. All I could think about was the fact that I'm actually racing Star in the Kentucky Derby. What am I going to do? she berated herself, searching intently for a way to move Star ahead." I always like when Christina (and characters in general) acknowledges that she was stupid and that she did something wrong. Unfortunately, this scene occurs very early in the book, and none of it seems to carry over into the rest of the plot. So Christina was too confident, and the solution is … to be more confident?
  
• "[Christina] thought of Miss America's bay colt, Royal Blue, wondering if the Blues King foal might be her next chance for a Triple Crown win. She quickly dashed the idea away, feeling as though she was being untrue to Star by thinking ahead that way." Right, because if Christina really loved Star, she'd figure out a way to invent time travel so he can run again next year.
  
• For the prom, Christina wears a blue dress that is "almost the same color as her racing silks." Wait, didn't Cindy do that once?
  
• Christina's "pearlescent blue" dress also catches the golden light as the "sun shone brightly through the bedroom window." I'm pretty sure Cindy's horses also used to do this during morning workouts.
  
• Parker brings her a blue-and-white corsage and picks her up in a blue limousine. What the hell? He must have inherited that decorator gene from his mother.
  
• Parker wears a black tuxedo to the prom. This is how you can tell this book wasn't written by Joanna: it's not white.
  
• I haven't been rereading in order, so maybe I missed this, but Christina mentions (perhaps for the first time) that she regrets giving up Sterling and Legacy, and wonders what she'll do after Star stops racing. I know I made fun of all the anvils about college, but I think that's actually pretty logical given that she only got into racing because of the angry fans with pitchforks Star.
  
• Christina refers to Brad as "Bradley Whiplash," after the way he disappeared from the horse cabana in the last book. Ha.
  
• Sammy has been looking "pale" lately. Gosh, I don't know what that could mean. She must be … um, not getting enough vitamin D. Yeah, that's it.
  
• Celtic Meadows' silks are "dark green shamrocks scattered over a white background." Ghyllian wears a green sundress to the race. I guess she went to the Lavinia Hotchkins-Ross Townsend Decorating School, too.
  
• Mary's favorite vapor lights make an appearance at the beginning of chapter 9.
  
• Christina is jealous that Jazz is writing a love song for Melanie, because "Parker would never do something like that." Um, Christina, that is because Jazz is a singer and a songwriter. It's his job. He gets paid for it. Parker's job is to muck out stalls and little teach kids how to tack up their horses. I'm sure if you asked nicely, he'd muck out a stall for you.
  
• Ashleigh tells Christina that there will be more horses running at Pimlico. Except that the field is the same size, with Wild 'n' Free replacing Image. Last I checked, Ash, nine was the same as nine.

Next up: the Belmont. I'm off to play some more lottery numbers! I'm feeling very confident.

Faith in an Extreme Long Shot

Faith in a Long Shot
Thoroughbred #57
by Alice Leonhardt

Does Image have what it takes to make Melanie's derby dreams come true?

Melanie and Jazz couldn't be more thrilled when Image comes in second in the Florida Derby. This is just the kind of proof they've been waiting for -- Image is ready to race in the big leagues! With high hopes, they decide to enter her to race in the ultimate competition: the Kentucky Derby.

Image has proven she has what it takes to win against other colts. But her competition at the derby will be really tough. Image will be running against Wonder's Star, Gratis, and Celtic Mist. Winning is a long shot. Does Melanie have enough faith in Image to make her derby dreams come true?

This summary misses the main point of the book, which is People Be Jealous. Otherwise, I suppose it's accurate. The cover, on the other hand, is composed based on all those winning shots of Kentucky Derby winners past, but in that style that makes you want to walk up to the artist and yell, "Since when do black horses look gray. Since when?" I'm having a hard time understanding this style's ability to depict black correctly. It's kind of basic. Then there's that buckskin in the background, which does make me a little ragey, I admit. They are running in front of a crowd that is wearing a lot of orange, blue and green. It does a good job of indicating the attendance of the race, but otherwise the colors amuse me. And Melanie's silks. Music notes on a field of green must be very hard to remember or draw...either way, she most certainly is not wearing red and blue.

But moving on...because pointing out the flaws of the covers and summaries is often like shooting fish in a barrel, right? Let's focus on the book, because Melanie is insistent on driving Image to Keeneland for the Ashland Stakes. For all of us wondering, that puts us back in April. So, that means that the events of Derby Fever have already happened, but Cindy's Last Hope is currently happening, and Great Expectations will happen...in May. Those being the three books leading up to Faith in a Long Shot. (Don't get me started on Hoofprints in the Snow.)

So, Image is entered in the Ashland Stakes after coming in second in the Florida Derby. Melanie starts to sense some attitude coming from the Whitebrook camp when she finds out that Ashleigh didn't want to put Catwink up against Image in the Ashland, and so decided to enter her in a claiming race because "Catwink needs it." I don't know why, exactly, but there you go. Impetus for drama ahead! Image wins handily, spurring Jazz into making crazy-eyed comments to similarly crazy-eyed reporters that this horse is running in the Kentucky Derby. OOOOOMG, says everyone. And then Melanie gets all crazy-eyed angry that Jazz hauled off and told everyone when she wasn't prepared for that sort of...reality? I thought they were thinking Kentucky Derby since Florida, but apparently this is news to Melanie.

Back at the shedrow, some guy tells Melanie that she doesn't know what she's in for with the media. They are relentless vultures that she cannot hope to handle, because she is a) a girl and her horse is also b) a girl. Also? The other Derby entrants are boys. OOOOOMG girls vs. boys! It's the biggest headline ever, because sex battles are the best. Everyone knows this. Melanie brushes him off. Surely the media frenzy for the Kentucky Derby won't be that bad, she thinks to herself. Surely!

And then she discovers that Catwink was claimed, which is somehow Melanie's fault because no one can trust Ashleigh to make a sound business decision if her life depended on it. Dear Ashleigh: if you want to keep your horse, totally and completely, don't enter it in a claiming race. You're not cut out for that type of gamble. But anyway, now Melanie thinks this is all her fault. Racing Image in anything means that Whitebrook will get screwed over, and then she realizes OOOOMG I'm racing Image against Star in the Derby! What will become of us all?!

So then we need Jazz to step in and tell Melanie that when he got famous, all of his previous friends who couldn't handle it got all butthurt and jealous of his success. People Be Jealous, he says. But that's okay, we're better than them. Did he lose a lot of friends chasing his dreams? Yes. Tons of them. They dropped like flies. But don't let that stop you from being a special snowflake, dammit! Melanie tentatively takes this advice and proceeds with plans to run Image in the Derby, despite what she feels is an increasingly icy atmosphere at Whitebrook. So icy, she stops riding Image on the track because that is apparently where Christina spends every waking moment relentlessly racing Star against the clock.

Compounding matters is the media frenzy. Because Whitebrook employs two people and lets random passersby wander their paddocks, the farm is trampled by reporters desperate for interviews and photo opportunities. Ashleigh has a meltdown about Whitebrook not being able to handle the attention. They've never had to go through this before! Ever! (Um, yeah.) And it's all Melanie's fault for entering an unworthy filly in the Derby as a distraction! Melanie tells reporters that she wouldn't have entered Image if she didn't think she could beat all the colts, upsetting Christina's delicate sensibilities, and causing to deepen the rift. And then Christina nearly runs over a reporter with her car, crossing the line between innocent girl we should feel sorry for and assault with a deadly weapon (vehicular.)

At school, Melanie is told she sucks at chemistry, and so she decides that she will force Parker into tutoring her. Because apparently he is back from England, although I was pretty sure he was supposed to be training for Burghley. But whatever. Apparently he has time to skip back and tutor Melanie in chemistry so he can hang around Whitebrook and make eyes at Christina, who has suddenly taken an interest in clothing and proper hair care. She is dressing and blowing out her hair like this girl who has walked out of a teen drama, much to Melanie's consternation. Feeling slovenly and unworthy, Melanie slinks off to talk to Jazz on the phone, who tells her he won't be in town until Tuesday. OOOOMG. Or whatever. It's like a week from the Derby now, and Melanie just wants this over with all ready, except then some guy decides that jumping into Image's paddock at night to get a photograph is the best time to do this ever and causes another collective meltdown. Image isn't safe! There could be people with cameras hiding in her stall! Lurking in the bushes! Sleeping at her feet! (Wait, that's Melanie...) She has to get out of here!

ENTER BRAD TOWNSEND.

So, apparently Celtic Mist isn't getting the attention Brad thinks he deserves. So he listens to Parker's business proposal that they allow Melanie and Image to stay at Townsend Acres so that Parker can finally have sex with his on-off girlfriend, and hears instead that he should have Image live at Townsend Acres so he can get in on the media frenzy. He approaches Melanie about his proposition, and Melanie is of course a petulant brat at first before Brad employs his awesomeness and she is stunned into accepting. In a haze, she tells Mike and Ashleigh about Brad's plan, and of course they all say that Brad is awesome and she should clearly do this. Of course, this could just be them trying to get rid of her, but Image must come first! Horses, then family. Always.

Melanie settles into her gargantuan and exquisite surroundings at the Townsend Acres guest house, and Image settles in under the watchful security cameras and Brad's all knowing stare. Much to her irritation, Melanie loves it. She loves the manicured grounds, and the helpful groom that has to work for her or be kicked out on his ass, and the microwave that looks like a bread box. She loves it. So much that she goes to a formal event at Townsend Acres. She wears a dress. And it is tight, and mid-thigh, and low-scooped, and splashed with primary colors. Even Jazz decides that tonight is not the night for his all black ensemble, or his groom outfit, or his geek costume complete with pocket protector. Tonight is the night for no ties and no socks. Jazz cannot be contained. Nor can Christina. She waltzes in wearing a short blue dress and strappy heels.

For a second--a brief, almost horrifying second--I imagined this as a CW show. And it almost worked. I could almost see it happening. But then Christina opened her mouth and started to accuse Melanie of abandoning family for the enemy, and then I couldn't decide if that made this vision worse or better. Melanie insists that she did it for Image. It was all for Image! Only Christina doesn't believe her and flounces off, somehow managing not to break her ankle while wearing heels for the first time in her life. Melanie then overhears people talking about how little a chance they believe Image has, and because she is a Thoroughbred series character she seriously takes this to heart.

When derby day dawns, Melanie puts Jazz's new silks on and stares at herself in the mirror long enough to feel self-conscious when someone else walks into the jockey's room. It was just a loose thread! Ha ha! I wasn't just staring at myself, or anything. Christina gives her a look, and probably rolls her eyes. Then Wolf gets into a jockey war of words that is ridiculous, and Melanie has to break it up before they start calling each other jerkface and proclaim that the other will eat their dust. OOOOMG. Jockey fights are the best.

Out in the paddock, Jazz kisses Melanie for good luck and off they go. Admittedly, I was bored, so I skimmed through the race, but rest assured that the announcer said something stupid and all the horses are so evenly matched that they all tried to run in front together. Only at the very end of the race do Image, Celtic Mist and Gratis break free of the clump and race on to victory. Star, as fate would have it, got stuck behind horses, which is a phenomenal achievement when there are only nine horses in the race. Nice work, Chris!

But then, after the high of winning the Kentucky Derby, Image breaks her leg and falls to the ground. Melanie goes into shock and wakes up in a hospital bed with a broken rib and a bruised lung, which means she is just sympathetic enough now for Chris to make the effort to make up. Everyone group hugs, and Melanie decides to let Image die, which is probably the most adult decision anyone has ever made in this series, considering it's a series of completely ridiculous recoveries and declarations of "we must try!" Melanie just throws in the towel, knowing that Image is the second coming of Ruffian and isn't going to stand for a sling and will probably tear down her stall.


And thus Perfect Image dies.

Ha! No, wait. This is still the Thoroughbred series. Here's what really happens: Melanie goes back to Townsend Acres, under the impression that she will stay there for a few days with Christina and Parker and Jazz and this is okay with all their parents despite them being rowdy teens. They are rowdy teens in mourning, I guess, so whatever. Before Melanie can get to the guest house ENTER BRAD TOWNSEND who is all come, Melanie, allow me to show you my super awesome medical facility that is part of my super awesome Thoroughbred farm because I am so super awesome I can barely be contained. COME WITH ME. And Melanie, because she cannot say no and has no power against him, goes. Brad shows off the whole place, and forces Melanie to agree that he is awesome. Although she is suspect, because Brad is cheerful and chipper, and for whatever reason everyone in this series gives Brad the side eye when he's happy. Then he shows her the pool, and lo...there is Image treading up a storm.

Melanie falls to her knees, totally stunned, and Brad lets out one final, "Yes, I am this awesome" before he magically disappears before Melanie or Jazz can find and thank him. At one point, someone actually says they should thank Brad..."wherever he went."

Brad Townsend = Batman. I'm just saying.

So then Melanie jumps in the pool and swims out to Image, and it's heartwarming and actually an okay ending. So there.

Talking Points:

• A lot is made of Whitebrook really depending on Star and expecting him to do well in the Kentucky Derby, but I'm not sure that's ever been the case. Case in point: see all the times everyone didn't want to race him after the virus. 
• Ashleigh never won the Triple Crown, apparently. She just won "jewels," much like Julie Krone.
• Also, Wonder never won the Derby after Winning Colors. 
• Also, Champion never won the Triple Crown. Whitebrook has now "never had a Triple Crown winner."
• Ashleigh, at one point, says that the farm isn't able to handle the kind of attention they're receiving. She waves her arms around and says, "Look at this place!" I think...I may be imaging some of it because I find it super amusing. But it's still basically what happened.
• I highly doubt Ashleigh would act like that much of a bitch to her niece. Christina, yes. I mean, that's a given any day of the week for any reason at all, but Ashleigh never had it in her to make Melanie feel that unwelcome. I think there's always been an undercurrent of Ashleigh finding Image unruly and not worth the trouble, but this book takes it too far. And where the hell is Mike to temper this craziness? 
• Brad has Melanie's dad and her stepmom ride some boat in some Kentucky Derby festival thing and they're all besides themselves because to ride this boat is reserved for dignitaries or whatever and I imagined Brad Townsend standing atop it, staring into the wind, being so full of awesome no one dare approach as the boat wins their festival race by daylight. 
• And then Image won and Star came in last. I still can't wrap my brain around this. Years have passed and I am still awed and confused by this decision.

 Anyhoo. So that's the Kentucky Derby. Next up, the Preakness (wherein Star still doesn't win.)

Hoofprints in the Snow, TB #56

Hoofprints in the Snow
Thoroughbred #56
by Karle Dickerson

I honestly think that some of these books are little rewards for the round table of authors on this series. They slave away at writing characters they basically didn't create in a story they didn't create, and try desperately to insert things they have created to keep them interested. Like Jennifer Chu's California characters, Mary Anderson's Crazy Backstory of Doom, and Karle Dickerson's Lyssa. And they don't get any love for these creations at all, which is kind of sad. But then you have, well, Lyssa.

Lyssa Hynde knows the Wyoming winters are cold, lonely, and dangerous. But she wouldn't give them up for anything. There's nothing she likes better than to gallop her three-day event horse, Blue, through knee-high fresh powder snow. It's snow, okay?

One day when she's out for her morning ride, Lyssa follows a trail of mysterious hoof prints that take her high into the mountains. Climbing a snowdrift, she and Blue set off an avalanche that builds in force as it heads straight for her ranch.

Will Lyssa make it home in time to warn her family and save the other animals? The avalanche is not a plot point, and no one needs saved. Move on already. Will she find the mystery horse that led her astray in the first place? 

Frickin' Lyssa.

Here's the deal: it's January. For your reference, we were practically headed into May in the last book, when Parker went off to England and Christina had literally wedged herself into a corner to stare in fascination at her own fingers. We should be right on top of the Kentucky Derby at this point, but for whatever reason we have been hauled back four months in time to visit Frickin' Lyssa, who has not a) been accepted to train with USET yet, has not b) been to ROLEX yet, and c) has not met Tony yet. I think Tony was in one of those Parker books? Maybe I have a vague memory of this because he's introduced in this one. Whatever. The important thing to note: this makes no sense.

The cover...I have no feelings toward it. The cover artist really ramped up the Western outfit, but for all intents and purposes it fits the book. Lyssa does (sigh) ride Blue around a lot without a saddle, at least before she starts to take current events seriously.

So we begin with Lyssa. Frickin' Lyssa. She's bemoaning the price of supplements or something and basically has the same epiphany that Parker had in another book previously: she needs sponsors. Perhaps the feed store would sponsor her! But before she can feel that swift kick of disillusionment, she is distracted by a woman trying to buy a puppy. Naturally, this woman is suspect because she is not Lyssa and all animals in the world are at risk of being abused if they are not connected to the main character.

So Frickin' Lyssa adopts the puppy out from under the lady, who is peeved but gives up the dog. Lyssa, whose family is strapped for cash, immediately regrets this move, but hauls the puppy home and introduces it to her incredibly open minded family amidst chili and waxing poetical about the mountains and the fresh powder (ahem, snow. Just say snow already!).

Later on, Lyssa's friend Gabriela shows up to inform her that Mystic, the horse Lyssa found for her on one of those random trips teens take to California, is super lame and she's giving her up to Mrs. Peters, crazy animal lady down the road. Mystic will have a forever home and Gabriela is free to pursue boys. Everyone wins. Lyssa feels a deep sense of disdain and decides to ride Blue around in the powder for a while, coming across the school she doesn't go to (because she is "homeschooled.") There, a boy pops out of nowhere and insists that she leave. He is the security guard, you see. It is very important that Lyssa not trample school property.

Being a girl, Lyssa can't help but notice how pretty he is, which I would say violates her determination to judge Gabriela for liking boys and not Mystic, but naturally Blue isn't lame so whatevs. Like boys all you want, Lyssa.

Then there's a party that Gabriela drags Lyssa to so she can dump her by the punch bowl in favor of the new boyfriend, leaving Lyssa free to run into the boy security guard again. His name is Tony. They dance. I'm sure it was titillating, a Western version of the Samantha era's "haunting flamenco," if you will. But I digress.

Blah blah blah. Things happen. Lyssa insists on checking out the school again, and finds hoofprints leading into the mountains, where she assumes Tony has taken the horse to hide out, which is stupid because of the avalanche risk. But of course Frickin' Lyssa follows him up anyway, and just as it's getting a little too dangerous to be plowing around through horse-chest-deep high "powder", Blue flips out and starts an avalanche.

And then girl and horse outrace an avalanche.

So, hold on to your seats, you guys. It's going to be action packed from here on out.

Blue proves himself to be super amazing, runs all the way back to the ranch, and deposits a hysterical Lyssa on the ground. The avalanche missed the ranch entirely, detouring into a canyon somewhere, so everyone can be reassured that nothing awful will ever happen to these people ever. Her mom insists she stay home, but Lyssa can't just let Tony and the horse alone and is back out the next morning, with friend Mitch in tow. They find Tony, discover that he has Mystic of all horses, and listen to his story of woe (he is totally not a horse thief you guys...unless you take into account that he took someone's horse off their property without asking and has no intent of bringing it back. It's not stealing if you've got good intentions, right?)

He insists that Mrs. Peters is a fraud, and she sells her superfluous horses to the meat packers when things are getting tight. Lyssa is shocked, because no one has ever known Mrs. Peters to be anything but an animal hoarder, which is totally okay and couldn't possibly go wrong. She and Mitch are both suspicious of Tony's story, so they take Tony and Mystic back to Lyssa's ranch and Lyssa rumbles off in Mitch's truck to check out Mrs. Peters, only to discover that Mrs. Peters is the lady that wanted the puppy from the first chapter.

Le shock! Mrs. Peters only wanted the puppy because it's a purebred with papers and could probably get money for it...hmmmm, yeah. Totally reasonable. And then the meat packers helpfully show up, and Lyssa conveniently discovers that one of the horses with Mrs. Peters was on a stolen horse flier at the feed store. So Lyssa hides a bridle in her Thinsulate, gets it on the stolen horse, and tears out of there bareback as Mrs. Peters (I keep envisioning an old lady, for some reason) jumps in Mitch's truck and chases after them.

Frickin' Lyssa, because she's amazing, loses Mrs. Peters and heads straight for the police station. So then the cops swarm everywhere, take in Tony, Mystic, Mrs. Peters and leave Lyssa wondering why life is horrible. Now Tony will be arrested for stealing a horse and deported to Arizona, where everyone knows jerks come from. It's accepted in Lyssa World as fact. But, of course, that doesn't happen. Don't worry you guys, Tony rides back on Mystic and says he bought her for cheap and he'll fix her feet because not only is he a 19-year-old horse thief with a heart of gold, he is also a budding eventer and an awesome blacksmith who knows "techniques." Also, he's going to stay in Wyoming or Montana or whatever and train with Lyssa and work for her dad and work for his relatives in Billings because he has them. So now Lyssa can blissfully fawn all over his spotty teenage neck scruff all she likes.

Hooray. USET invites for everyone!

Just don't think. It's easier that way. TB#55: Great Expectations.

Great Expectations
Thoroughbred #55
by Karle Dickerson

Can Parker live up to the challenge?

Parker Townsend couldn't be more excited as he sets off for England to train for the Olympics, taking with him two headstrong horses and some very high hopes. At first he's thrilled to see the beautiful country estate where he'll be staying. But it's not too long before he discovers that the English do things very differently from what he's used to. Since he's a guest, he has to listen to whatever his trainers say, no matter how much he disagrees with them. Although Parker worries that this could jeopardize his Olympic dream, he's determined to find a way to prove to everyone, including himself, that he and his horses are Olympic caliber after all.

Maybe it's just me, but I fully expect that horse to do a face plant into the ground as soon as its hind legs ram into that jump. How it got to the jump in the first place with those front hooves is also very mysterious. They look like they were fashioned out of Play-Doh. Also, I'm sure someone with far more expertise can tell me what is going on with that bridle, but it looks odd to me. The drop noseband and the bit are not jiving visually or logically, along with everything else that is going on here. Perhaps this is just me, but Parker ceases to be cute on this cover. Actually, he is almost a complete duplicate of Wolf from the cover of Cindy's Last Hope. The only differences being Wolf is in a jockey's crouch and wearing a collared shirt and a worried, hopeless stare. The color scheme is duplicated as well, because according to this cover artist all men on book covers should wear tan pants and light green shirts. But whatever. We have a book to discuss.

So for reasons I can't remember, Parker is headed off to England to compete in Burghley. I think this decision was made in the cut chapter of Parker's last book, actually, making Thoroughbred that much more entertaining with its random fits of editing. Everyone at Whisperwood, plus Melanie and Christina (which amounts to like six people, max) surprises Parker with a going away party, during which Parker attempts to amuse people and small children are unimpressed. A little girl tells him to shut up and open his present, while Christina sits in the corner and stares at her fingernails in some state of emotional oblivion. These two, you guys. I don't even know what to do with them. If only they'd had some sort of break up sex scenario in the back of Parker's truck before he left for England.

...I am totally going to believe that is what happened from now on. Anyway! So, fresh from that ordeal, Parker gets on a plane headed for Heathrow and is subjected to the horrors of this blond girl who is messy and loud. Granted, I can feel Parker's pain here because no one wants to be stuck in a tube for over seven hours with someone who will not shut up about pointless shit you don't care about, especially when they start chastising you for not using proper British sayings. It is the WC in England, thank you. You Americans and your bathrooms. Go back to the colonies, yank!

Seriously, I would like to say that there isn't a lot of pointless chatter about British slang, but there is and it can't be helped. Upon arriving in England, Parker acts like he's shocked that England is its own country apart from the United States. They drive on the left hand side of the road! They say loo and cheerio all the time. Gasp! They have their own currency and their vending machines only take that currency. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO.

Okay, look. I know there are stupid people in this world. People try to pay with foreign money way more than we logical people know, I'm sure. Hell, the turnpike in Ohio is all with the "Only US Currency" signs plastered all over, suggesting that more than a few people try to throw Canadian coins at the tollbooth workers. But the thing here is that Parker kinda sorta definitely lived in England for most of his formative years. And he's shocked that the cars are driving on "the wrong side" of the road. And that sentence even came with an exclamation point. Let's all feel smug and/or visualize smacking Parker right across the face. It's okay. He deserves it.

So, upon arriving in London, Parker is lured into helping blond girl find her errant passport and his ride presumes he died in flight and abandons him. So Parker tries to scrounge up a cab that will leave the greater London area, of which only one will deign to honor Parker's request. Somehow they pass by Big Ben on their way from the airport to the country, which is quite a mighty detour. It's like twenty miles from Heathrow to Big Ben. Anyway, so Parker meets up with the Chillinghams, who are hosting Parker as a favor to Lavinia. Don't worry, you guys. The Chillinghams are super sweet and way nicer than Lavinia, which Parker goes on and on about because he hates his parents with an intense passion that honestly worries me. Down at the barn, Parker instantly starts acting like a complete ass hat the second someone talks to him, because he is an insecure goob who can't talk to others like a normal person. No, not Parker. Everyone is trying to find fault in him immediately and no one will ever give him a chance to blah blah blah.

Basically, the whole book is Parker acting like an arrogant twat and people giving him the side eye, which only enrages him into acting more like an arrogant twat. Then some kids talk bad about him behind his back and that's the beginning of the end for Parker and England. Or so we'd all like to think.

So, his lessons go horribly because, well, Parker is an arrogant twat. I mean, really, what were we all expecting? Then he falls a lot and people point and laugh. And Parker won't listen to anyone's advice, naturally, because Parker is a non-listener of advice. It is like his chosen profession. So Dalton, guy who was going to help Parker in England before deciding that Parker's attitude isn't worth it, runs off to a clinic after saying Parker should enter Merebrook, a tiny competition to get his feet wet.

Bah. A tiny competition you say? Parker is better than that! Or whatever. I don't even know anymore. But he goes and he insists on taking Ozzie with him and then he's like why am I such an idiot? Ozzie can't even jump things, much less act stable for five seconds. This is the horse that spends a whole chapter gallivanting around England by himself. Good going, Parker.

Oh, yeah, and the blond girl is Fiona, the Chillingham's granddaughter, who is now staying with them. Parker is sure that she is out to ruin his life. Also, the maid doesn't like him. And the assistant trainer doesn't like him. And the kids think he's stupid and fake. It's SPLENDID.

At Merebrook, it turns out that everyone on the face of the earth is there. And then Foxy steps in a badger hole and is scratched, leaving Parker with Ozzie the Unstable. After a gloriously horrible dressage test (but that's always a throwaway event, apparently, because no one likes dressage), Parker says SCREW THIS and decides that after this event they will leave England with its bangers and mash and coin currency. COIN DOLLARS ARE STUPID, says Parker. He is OUT. But he decides to just have fun during cross country, and miraculously this is the key. Moment of enlightenment achieved! Parker can now progress on to the next round.

Show jumping also goes well, and by some miracle Parker wins the show. Only during all of this he runs into Alexander the Grape, an old school friend with a fondness for sweets, who tells him he's an arrogant twat and he has always been an arrogant twat. Also? So was Dalton! That's why the two never get along, or something. And then the assistant trainer calls Parker an arrogant twat, and Parker agrees. Then Parker tells Dalton what an arrogant twat he is, and Dalton accepts Parker's self-realization and decides to train him.

I am not sure how winning the show caused Parker to realize that he's an insecure moron with an arrogant streak, but it did. Now we can move on to other things, like oddities.

• Great Expectations. Is this like satire? Just what the hell is this?
• Parker cannot do math. At least, he can't convert inches into centimeters, which would be a sad day for the American educational system if he hadn't been taught in English private school. 
• At one point, Parker hears someone speaking French and German during his walk around the course at Merebrook and later someone says that lots of international competition will be there this year. It's only then that he realizes, ah, those must have been international riders. OH. YOU THINK?

That's really it this time. I was just pretty astonished by Parker's massive display of stupidity in this installment. How he even clothes himself in the morning is anyone's guess.

Next: Lyssa. All glorious 172 pages of her.

Thoroughbred: Cindy's Last Words (or Hope, I guess.)

Cindy's Last Hope
by Mary Anderson

Will Cindy have to scratch Gratis? for insane reasons we don't even bring up in this summary?

Cindy McLean and her totally platonic, sarcasm-using partner, Ben al-Rihani, can't find a jockey professional enough to ride Gratis for two minutes on a training track in the Kentucky Derby. The only person besides Christina Cindy who can handle the difficult horse is a persistently annoying stubborn and inexperienced groom/secretary/exercise rider groom named Wolf, whom Cindy wants to punch in the face. But Cindy ironically doesn't like Wolf's attitude, and refuses to give him a chance instead of firing him for being insubordinate. Besides, he doesn't even have his jockey's license yet. (Hahahaha!)

Cindy wants to ride Gratis herself probably bareback and alone, like every other time, risking irreparable damage to her already injured shoulder. Ben won't allow it. But stubborn Cindy is hard to stop. Will someone come to our her rescue before it's too late?

There, fixed!

Now to the cover. My feelings about this one have always been somewhere between sighing deeply and confusion. For one thing, the main character of the story isn't even looking at us. Is this because she's 32, and therefore horribly old, her decrepit appearance unsuitable for a book cover meant for tweens? Or is it because the cover artist decided to be really faithful to the book, wherein Cindy stands around staring at things a lot? If so, why couldn't they have taken this scene from another angle? An angle where we can see Cindy's horrifying thirty-something face? Other thoughts: Gratis looks like a carousel horse. I'm not even sure if that pose is found within any natural stride. The neck on that poor creature astonishes me as well. Also, everything about what I assume is Wolf on that cover amuses me. He looks like he's completely forgotten something important, like how to ride the devil horse underneath him which currently looks asleep. And finally, Cindy's hair. What mysteries does it possess?

So this book is yet another pre-Derby book in the span of volumes that overlap each other in a tangled mess that is hopeless to understand. It is maybe a week or two or five or eleven billion away from the Derby, but the Derby is right on top of us and will be here any second! Or maybe not. Maybe we have time for a race or two or five or...you get the idea. We even have time to drag in a few extra ridiculous books about Parker and Lyssa, because why the hell not? 

We begin this book with Cindy staring at Champion, asking Ben if he's ever seen such astonishing beauty. Ben replies that of course he has, because he's looking at Cindy. Cindy has never looked more "radiant." Because they're both mentally eleven, blushing commences and they have to talk about that time when Cindy and Champion lived in Dubai and how they "belong" in Kentucky. But with all this small talk and blushing, they've totally forgotten about Gratis and his upcoming jockey try out. Which is about to start...with no one present at the track at all besides the horse and maybe Wolf, this kid we'll get to in a second.

So Cindy and Ben speed over to the track, just in time for Gratis's groom to quit in a huff because he's been bitten one too many times. The nerve of that animal! So then Gratis goes and dumps his new potential jockey, who also storms off in a huff. Then, like the equestrian miracle she is, Ashleigh descends on Tall Oaks with her proteges Christina and Melanie to tell Wolf that he can't race yet, for he has no experience. Everyone agrees, despite all of their collective history muttering in the background that they are all horrible hypocrites with the memory of goldfish. 

Wolf is the new kid at Tall Oaks, along with Beckie, the Australian groom. That brings the total of employees at Tall Oaks up to exactly five, if you count Ben. And I suppose we have to count him, since he owns a truck instead of a "European sports car," which means he is less "rich owner" and more "I haul heavy things and sometimes work with my hands." So we'll count him. Wolf has a way with Gratis, but because Cindy is harboring dreams that her wrecked shoulder will magically be okay to race ride again, she's hesitant about doing the obvious thing and get the kid a jockey license. Wolf is arrogant! And persistent! And annoying! And inexperienced! I hope we all see the writing on the wall.

So then Brad pops up to tell Ben that it turns out he doesn't think Champion was ever legally sold, beginning the most ridiculous scheme Thoroughbred has ever tried to force onto Brad. And, naturally, Brad almost succeeds because these people are morons. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Upon hearing this news, Cindy immediately dashes for Champion's paddock in a panic, convinced that Brad has already used his supernatural powers to spirit Champion to Townsend Acres. As it happens, Brad shows up to wave papers around in Ben's face, but gets distracted by Gratis and starts to mumble about Affirmed and Alydar, both being in the colt's pedigree. So he informs Ben that he can either take Champion, or Tall Oaks can drop out of the Kentucky Derby.

This is pretty insane, actually. Since Gratis hasn't exactly done anything (you know, at all) there's no real threat to Celtic Mist at Tall Oaks. I'm going to assume that Brad does these things just to mess with everyone around him. Maybe he's just bored. But what really gets me is that everyone totally falls for it. They actually think that they might have to give in to this craziness, which is only possible because Clay is off in Europe and can't be reached by phone, e-mail, snail mail, fax, telegram, smoke signals, or carrier pigeon. Also, Ben's dad is apparently at death's door, or is old and ill and no one wants to disturb him or whatever. So Ben starts to think that yes, maybe they will have to scratch Gratis, because Brad might be right, and while they're trying to prove whether or not Brad is right...they're just going to let him do whatever he wants? What? The hell?

So now Cindy is really panicking. She wants desperately to ride Gratis, but her doctor won't let her. Even Ben's thoughtful reminiscing about those grand, emotionally turbulent days in Dubai cannot calm Cindy. So Ben decides to go buy some "desert horses." Ahem, I mean Arabians, with which they can trail ride around on the farm to cheer up Cindy, who only takes it as an opportunity to go dashing off and nearly giving Ben a heart attack. But Arabians are harmless! What possible trouble could she get into?

Then there are like five chapters saying the same thing. Cindy angsts, jockeys don't work out for Gratis, Brad and his lawyer threaten to take Champion away after they discover that Tall Oaks probably won't run Gratis in the Derby anyway, and Ben says over and over that he thinks Brad is going to win this little battle as he scrambles around for a document that says something coherent and sends his operatives to Europe to track down Clay, who is probably holed up in the Alps somewhere.

Eventually Wolf gets bored with everything that's going on around him and makes a comment about how Cindy is a has-been, causing her to flip out and fire him on the spot. Then she stalks over to Gratis and decides that today is the day she will ride him. On the trail. Where he has never been. By herself. Of course! So she does this, and naturally a quail convinces Gratis that the world is ending, and he bolts through the wilderness with a visibly hurt Cindy attempting to stay in the saddle. Then, of course, Wolf rides bareback up to Gratis on one of Ben's "desert horses" and saves the day. And he's still irritating. So Cindy tells him to take her to the hospital as repayment for saving her life.

So, now that Cindy has proven that she cannot ride Thoroughbreds anymore, she is sure that Gratis will not race in the Derby and Brad will sneak off with Champion. But, magically enough, Ben's dad speaks from Dubai and sends the necessary paperwork to prove that the whole sale was legal in the first place. Huzzah! Brad stalks off, plan foiled, probably thinking on the new details of his next dastardly plan as he drives off in his European sports car.

Then Cindy has her come to Jesus moment concerning Wolf, who is still irritating, since Ben has been dropping comments all over about how much he thinks Wolf and Cindy are alike. They are both equally irritating. So she gives in and gets Wolf his gate test, and decides to put Gratis in some unnamed prep race. Possibly the Derby Trial? Or something at Churchill Downs. Whatever. It isn't important. Gratis and Wolf win, and Cindy takes a moment to wave at Brad from the winner's circle before Ben kisses her in the win photo.

Yay. I guess.   

Oddities

"I remember the year you spent at my father's stable." - Yes, Ben, I'm sure Cindy does remember. Were you afraid she'd forgotten again? After having spent twelve years brooding about it?

And then Ben attempts a "joke" that he then "laughs at." Meanwhile, Cindy rolls her eyes.

Ben tells Cindy all about Brad's nefarious "I still own Champion!" declaration and Cindy's first reaction is RUN. Followed by Ben catching up with her and asking her why she ran and Cindy becoming confused and saying..."I panicked?" I can't tell if this is satire...or not? Maybe it's a Joanna Campbell homage?

"Alydar and Affirmed had both raced in the Triple Crown series years earlier." Try decades earlier. Also, this is a completely ridiculous sentence that doesn't even come close to indicating the gravity of Alydar and Affirmed.

As it turns out, Ben did bring back all that tack Cindy bought in Dubai and failed to give it back to her with all her other stuff because it would "remind" Cindy of her unhappiness at the time. Like a diary couldn't have done that, or anything. Not so sharp, Ben. 

Ben's heart can't take surprise anymore. How old is this person? 

"You may be a small Arabian, but you have the spirit of a true Thoroughbred." Stupidest statement of the book award, right here.

 Ben asks Brad's lawyer what Townsend Acres "will do with the stallion" once Brad reclaims Champion. And the lawyer says ominously that this is essentially privileged information, and Ben cannot know what torture Townsend Acres has devised for a Triple Crown winning stallion. I'm sure it will involve lots of horse sex, and maybe a big stall, and a paddock, and more horse sex. Those bastards.

ETA: Ben's dad does give half-interest in Champion to Cindy by the end of the book. Without her knowledge, as if that is possible. Because he has apparently mellowed in his old age, and internet stalked Cindy while she was in New York, and eventually grudgingly admitted that she is kind of okay. 

So, we're almost there, you guys. I have a non-Thoroughbred book to post next, and then we're back to the adventures of Parker and Lyssa. The important thing to realize is that we are officially done with Cindy's point of view. Perhaps we are not done with her stupid decisions, but we at least don't have to hear about them first hand. So there's the slight silver lining to Cindy's Last Hope. I knew it was there somewhere.