Just don't think. It's easier that way. TB#55: Great Expectations.

Great Expectations
Thoroughbred #55
by Karle Dickerson

Can Parker live up to the challenge?

Parker Townsend couldn't be more excited as he sets off for England to train for the Olympics, taking with him two headstrong horses and some very high hopes. At first he's thrilled to see the beautiful country estate where he'll be staying. But it's not too long before he discovers that the English do things very differently from what he's used to. Since he's a guest, he has to listen to whatever his trainers say, no matter how much he disagrees with them. Although Parker worries that this could jeopardize his Olympic dream, he's determined to find a way to prove to everyone, including himself, that he and his horses are Olympic caliber after all.

Maybe it's just me, but I fully expect that horse to do a face plant into the ground as soon as its hind legs ram into that jump. How it got to the jump in the first place with those front hooves is also very mysterious. They look like they were fashioned out of Play-Doh. Also, I'm sure someone with far more expertise can tell me what is going on with that bridle, but it looks odd to me. The drop noseband and the bit are not jiving visually or logically, along with everything else that is going on here. Perhaps this is just me, but Parker ceases to be cute on this cover. Actually, he is almost a complete duplicate of Wolf from the cover of Cindy's Last Hope. The only differences being Wolf is in a jockey's crouch and wearing a collared shirt and a worried, hopeless stare. The color scheme is duplicated as well, because according to this cover artist all men on book covers should wear tan pants and light green shirts. But whatever. We have a book to discuss.

So for reasons I can't remember, Parker is headed off to England to compete in Burghley. I think this decision was made in the cut chapter of Parker's last book, actually, making Thoroughbred that much more entertaining with its random fits of editing. Everyone at Whisperwood, plus Melanie and Christina (which amounts to like six people, max) surprises Parker with a going away party, during which Parker attempts to amuse people and small children are unimpressed. A little girl tells him to shut up and open his present, while Christina sits in the corner and stares at her fingernails in some state of emotional oblivion. These two, you guys. I don't even know what to do with them. If only they'd had some sort of break up sex scenario in the back of Parker's truck before he left for England.

...I am totally going to believe that is what happened from now on. Anyway! So, fresh from that ordeal, Parker gets on a plane headed for Heathrow and is subjected to the horrors of this blond girl who is messy and loud. Granted, I can feel Parker's pain here because no one wants to be stuck in a tube for over seven hours with someone who will not shut up about pointless shit you don't care about, especially when they start chastising you for not using proper British sayings. It is the WC in England, thank you. You Americans and your bathrooms. Go back to the colonies, yank!

Seriously, I would like to say that there isn't a lot of pointless chatter about British slang, but there is and it can't be helped. Upon arriving in England, Parker acts like he's shocked that England is its own country apart from the United States. They drive on the left hand side of the road! They say loo and cheerio all the time. Gasp! They have their own currency and their vending machines only take that currency. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO.

Okay, look. I know there are stupid people in this world. People try to pay with foreign money way more than we logical people know, I'm sure. Hell, the turnpike in Ohio is all with the "Only US Currency" signs plastered all over, suggesting that more than a few people try to throw Canadian coins at the tollbooth workers. But the thing here is that Parker kinda sorta definitely lived in England for most of his formative years. And he's shocked that the cars are driving on "the wrong side" of the road. And that sentence even came with an exclamation point. Let's all feel smug and/or visualize smacking Parker right across the face. It's okay. He deserves it.

So, upon arriving in London, Parker is lured into helping blond girl find her errant passport and his ride presumes he died in flight and abandons him. So Parker tries to scrounge up a cab that will leave the greater London area, of which only one will deign to honor Parker's request. Somehow they pass by Big Ben on their way from the airport to the country, which is quite a mighty detour. It's like twenty miles from Heathrow to Big Ben. Anyway, so Parker meets up with the Chillinghams, who are hosting Parker as a favor to Lavinia. Don't worry, you guys. The Chillinghams are super sweet and way nicer than Lavinia, which Parker goes on and on about because he hates his parents with an intense passion that honestly worries me. Down at the barn, Parker instantly starts acting like a complete ass hat the second someone talks to him, because he is an insecure goob who can't talk to others like a normal person. No, not Parker. Everyone is trying to find fault in him immediately and no one will ever give him a chance to blah blah blah.

Basically, the whole book is Parker acting like an arrogant twat and people giving him the side eye, which only enrages him into acting more like an arrogant twat. Then some kids talk bad about him behind his back and that's the beginning of the end for Parker and England. Or so we'd all like to think.

So, his lessons go horribly because, well, Parker is an arrogant twat. I mean, really, what were we all expecting? Then he falls a lot and people point and laugh. And Parker won't listen to anyone's advice, naturally, because Parker is a non-listener of advice. It is like his chosen profession. So Dalton, guy who was going to help Parker in England before deciding that Parker's attitude isn't worth it, runs off to a clinic after saying Parker should enter Merebrook, a tiny competition to get his feet wet.

Bah. A tiny competition you say? Parker is better than that! Or whatever. I don't even know anymore. But he goes and he insists on taking Ozzie with him and then he's like why am I such an idiot? Ozzie can't even jump things, much less act stable for five seconds. This is the horse that spends a whole chapter gallivanting around England by himself. Good going, Parker.

Oh, yeah, and the blond girl is Fiona, the Chillingham's granddaughter, who is now staying with them. Parker is sure that she is out to ruin his life. Also, the maid doesn't like him. And the assistant trainer doesn't like him. And the kids think he's stupid and fake. It's SPLENDID.

At Merebrook, it turns out that everyone on the face of the earth is there. And then Foxy steps in a badger hole and is scratched, leaving Parker with Ozzie the Unstable. After a gloriously horrible dressage test (but that's always a throwaway event, apparently, because no one likes dressage), Parker says SCREW THIS and decides that after this event they will leave England with its bangers and mash and coin currency. COIN DOLLARS ARE STUPID, says Parker. He is OUT. But he decides to just have fun during cross country, and miraculously this is the key. Moment of enlightenment achieved! Parker can now progress on to the next round.

Show jumping also goes well, and by some miracle Parker wins the show. Only during all of this he runs into Alexander the Grape, an old school friend with a fondness for sweets, who tells him he's an arrogant twat and he has always been an arrogant twat. Also? So was Dalton! That's why the two never get along, or something. And then the assistant trainer calls Parker an arrogant twat, and Parker agrees. Then Parker tells Dalton what an arrogant twat he is, and Dalton accepts Parker's self-realization and decides to train him.

I am not sure how winning the show caused Parker to realize that he's an insecure moron with an arrogant streak, but it did. Now we can move on to other things, like oddities.

• Great Expectations. Is this like satire? Just what the hell is this?
• Parker cannot do math. At least, he can't convert inches into centimeters, which would be a sad day for the American educational system if he hadn't been taught in English private school. 
• At one point, Parker hears someone speaking French and German during his walk around the course at Merebrook and later someone says that lots of international competition will be there this year. It's only then that he realizes, ah, those must have been international riders. OH. YOU THINK?

That's really it this time. I was just pretty astonished by Parker's massive display of stupidity in this installment. How he even clothes himself in the morning is anyone's guess.

Next: Lyssa. All glorious 172 pages of her.

Thoroughbred #50: Team Player

Team Player 

by Alice Leonhardt 

2001 

It seems that Team Player had the misfortune of being too long when it was a Word document sitting on some editor's hard drive, and instead of requesting a little editing to trim the story down to an appropriate length, the editor decided it would be easier to highlight the entirety of the last chapter and hit the delete button.

Oh, Thoroughbred. It's this dedication to quality that makes me love you so.

Will Parker make the team? 

Parker Townsend and his Thoroughbred mare, Foxglove, have proven that they have the talent to compete in the Olympics in combined training. But they still haven't made the team. Parker can't figure it out. He's won more events than any of his competitors, and Foxy is in top form. No jump is too high for them, no dressage course is too technical. So why haven't the Olympic stewards asked him to join the team? 

His trainer, Samantha McLean, knows why. Parker isn't a team player. He always does his best and usually wins, but sometimes that's not enough. In order to compete, Parker must show the Olympic stewards that he can help out his team members and ride for the team.

This summary is a tad exaggerated. Parker has in fact not "won more events than any of his competitors," nor does he "usually" win. The sad state of affairs is more subdued, but that doesn't make for good summary writing, apparently. The fact of the matter is that Lyssa has actually been the winner of all the events the summary seems to think Parker has been winning, therefore making the question of why Lyssa has been picked to be on the team and not Parker far less of a head scratcher.

But whatevs. Let's get down to business.

Parker is super busy. He's got responsibilities (horses to ride, Foxy to train, Kaitlin to yell at, mountains of tack to clean because we all know tack is forever dirty even two seconds after it's been scrubbed to death), unappreciative girlfriends to placate (Christina), parents to avoid (The Townsends, in all their awesome hilarity), and so many things to worry about (the Olympics, school, maybe buying a new horse with no money). It's hard to be Parker, okay? 

Because he has no money, he's been reduced to teaching kids how to pull the manes of their school ponies, which is a tremendous lesson in patience while Samantha is persistently nagging him to buy a young horse while trying to hide the magazine that proclaims Lyssa the next Olympic horse goddess. Lyssa has gotten on the USET team's short list, and Parker has not. Parker attempts to not be bitter, and fails. Samantha makes a casual remark about that chip on his shoulder and then whirls off to be unproductive somewhere else as Parker drags his feet to Whitebrook to remark about how his relationship with Christina has changed, and it's not for the better.

You see, Christina and Parker never see each other anymore, both aiming for their completely unreasonable dreams because everyone knows that after the age of eighteen it's standard practice to give up on yourself and help children you kind of know and/or created accomplish greatness. In other words, life loses all meaning when you're an adult. Parker tries to seek support from Christina regarding this whole Lyssa development (come on, people, we know you all just want to bitch about her. Just do it already) and gets nothing but, "That's great! They're still accepting young riders!" Of which they have one, so do they need more? Just saying.

Parker trudges off to class and then goes home to Townsend Acres, where he decides that it's finally time to suck up to his parents and try to get back into his trust fund. Brad, because nothing is better than racing -- nothing -- has cut off Parker and made him drive an unreliable truck and be poor until Parker shucks off his Olympics dreams and gets into the family business. Only all he's greeted with is a buffet table of eggs and bacon, which Parker falls upon like a ravenous honey badger while Lavinia looks on in sheer horror and Brad mutters about how a Townsend doesn't wear jeans during breakfast. They wear suits and diamonds, naturally. 

Fresh from that comical interlude, Parker runs off to Townsend Acres Version Warmbloods so he can look at a horse that is outside of his price range, because Samantha doesn't get that he has no money. That's when they meet Wizard of Oz, or Ozzie, burned out stadium jumper who has no interest in doing work ever again. Naturally Samantha's all ooooh, this one! And so they take Ozzie on trial, but not before they look down their noses at Ozzie's successful and therefore "arrogant" and obviously horrible owner.

There's a three-day event of some such that Parker wins, attracting the attention of Captain Donnelly of USET fame, which leads to Captain Donnelly deciding to move his two short list USET people (Lyssa and a Jeff who is of no import) to Whisperwood so he can stalk Parker and cause him great emotional turmoil. Parker drops the ball when put on the spot, but then manages to save things when he's invited to a lesson with Lyssa and Jeff, only to drop the ball again when he gets all internally uppity about being told what to do. Nobody knows Foxy like Parker!

You know, it's a real wonder that Christina and Parker couldn't make it through this book. They are so perfect for each other. Unfortunately they split. Or "take a break" after Parker misses a date and decides that hey, he won't try to call or do anything about it until later. How do these people not have cell phones? This is 2001!

Well anyway, Parker takes Ozzie out to mull his decision about whether or not to go further into debt in order to buy him and Lyssa, giver of bad advice, says that he totally should. Just stick him in a round pen (which doesn't wind up working, of course) and all will be fine! Oh, if only we could all be sponsored like Lyssa! What a magical life she leads. I'm shocked Parker hasn't gone crazy. I really am.

So Rolex rolls around. Samantha and Kaitlin strong arm Parker into going to the party beforehand, which Parker is of course staunchly against. Parties might mean fun is afoot, and as we all know fun is the work of the devil! I'm surprised Samantha even wants to take part in this horror show, but I suppose that she is an adult, and her life no longer has meaning or ambition. All the more time for parties! 

Parker goes to the party, only to run into his parents, who have come to the realization that there are rich people around the Rolex also! Let's mingle! Brad remarks that it's quaint that the winner gets a Rolex watch. Oh, if only Parker were into racing; he could have all the Rolex watches he desires should he give up on this fool's errand. Mission to destroy Parker's confidence accomplished, so back to mingling!

God, that man is just so awesome.

Samantha gets Parker's mood back on track on the first day of Rolex, and he completely crushes the dressage test and skyrockets into third. Then the cross country comes along the second day, and there's much angst. It is hot! Horses are dropping like flies. The jumps are terrific and difficult. If only Parker would listen to advice. Samantha is here to help with her so-so wisdom! Captain Donnelly wants him to do well, but not invite him on the team so Parker tosses his advice and goes for broke. Foxy barely makes it through the course in an effort that puts them in first place, but this effort is too much for the horse and there is pandemonium and tears and screaming and oxygen tanks and hypodermic needles and Parker feels like a total loser because his horse is probably dying right there at Rolex and...

That's the end of the book. No closure for you! That's just the way Thoroughbred rolls.

In all seriousness, Alice Leonhardt was awesome and supplied fans with the cut chapter. I once had it in my possession, and I once knew what it contained. But that was in 2001, so I've clearly forgotten it entirely and have lost the chapter in all the computers I've left in my wake.

That all said, despite the mysterious ending, Team Player is a solid installment in the series. Granted, I have a hard time wrapping my head around Parker trying to get on the USET team, especially when he has these hilarious moments of enlightenment about how he's competing against riders who are worlds better than him at Rolex and he's still expecting to get short listed. 

Maybe this series was always about supporting delusions of grandeur. It's all starting to make sense now!

#51, Distance Runner, aka Christina Discovers California And Fails to Appreciate It, is up next. 

Love triangles, Thoroughbred style! or TB #33, Racing Parker

Racing Parker
Thoroughbred #33
by Dale Gasque
Published: 1999

I don't know if I can shed much more light on Racing Parker, given that Claire did just a wonderful job the first time around. But I will try to point out a few more things in this book. And yeah, they might be totally Brad Townsend related. I'm not apologetic about this. Obviously.


These covers just don't get better, do they? This is a scene from the book, but it's taken completely out of context and makes Christina look like the wild one as Parker is left looking at her like she's lost it or something. Also, don't they both look remarkably pink?

A Reckless Decision

Christina Reese is confident that her horse, Sterling, is ready for higher jumps. But Christina's trainer, Mona, won't let her move up to training level. Christina feels as if she and Sterling are being held back unfairly.

Then Christina meets Parker Townsend. If he can handle training level, then why can't she? Maybe Christina lacks experience, but Sterling has talent to spare. They're a perfect match! How far will Christina go to prove she's as good as Parker?

I've been reading Brideshead Revisited this week, unaware until I opened up Blogger that Racing Parker is the perfect Thoroughbred companion to Evelyn Waugh. Can't you just imagine Parker graduating from his English private school, going to Oxford, and then eating strawberries and consuming champagne while smoking Turkish cigars with other wealthy Oxfordites (who may, or may not, be obsessed with stuffed animals) before running off and sleeping with those wealthy Oxfordite's dysfunctional sisters? Yes, I think you can. Or maybe it's just me.

Well, anyway. Racing Parker is the Brad/Mike/Ashleigh love triangle that never happened. Usually I absolutely hate love triangles because most of the time the main couple is obvious and the third party is just a seductive smile and a crooked finger that lures one of them into unfaithfulness or something and it goes absolutely nowhere. Jean/Logan/Scott from X-Men, Bella/Jacob/Edward from Twilight, Marian/Guy/Robin from Robin Hood...I mean, honestly. What is so enticing about this besides the fact that I am always...always...rooting for the love triangle to break up the established pair? When does this ever happen? Never, that's when. Lucky me, Thoroughbred is here to answer my cry for mercy on my little shipper heart. Unfortunately it decided to do this about 29 books too late with a different set of characters completely. Damn it.

Racing Parker was big news when it came on the scene back in 1999. Samantha and Tor reappeared, Mona is (apparently?) marginalized (finally), and Parker (previously Ross, which makes more sense in a Townsend way given the fact that almost every person I've ever met who has a trust fund is named after their mother's maiden name...it's like an illness) and Brad and Lavinia and Clay Townsend. It's like a giant family reunion where everyone squabbles at each other before some misfortune lands everyone in a hospital. So given all the returning characters, it's got to be good. Dale Gasque sort of lives up to expectations.

However, the book opens up again with Christina being all petulant about how she knows Sterling. Sterling is talented. No one understands Sterling like she does. Blah blah blah. Mona wants to keep her at novice for a while longer. The world ends. Blah blah blah. Then Parker comes onto the scene, and I've got to say I really liked Parker, which is unfortunate because I never really paid attention to him previously. He is definitely Brad Townsend's son in this book. Or, well, he's the son of Brad Townsend when Brad's busy being awesome.

Because Samantha is back in Kentucky and I guess living at Tor's old stable that now actually has a name, she's busy buying horses while Tor is busy being mysteriously absent. I do not trust that man, and I have a feeling most of the other writers don't either considering how often he's not around. At this auction, we meet Foxglove, Clay and Parker. Clay buys Foxglove for Parker, trying to get him preoccupied with something so he won't get bored and accidentally get himself kicked out of another private school again. Parker is appreciative, but considering he goes and rides a motorcycle through his school later on I don't think he's being very serious about this promise. That said, because he is just about as dashing as a fourteen-year-old boy fresh from England can be, Christina immediately starts blushing and goes tongue tied in his presence. Parker, with his dark hair and gray eyes, is just too much for her to resist.

But resist she does! Christina likes Dylan, despite still maintaining some sort of silly friend policy with him, easily allowing herself to slip away without feeling too remarkably guilty later. Despite her repeated assurances to herself that she likes Dylan, Parker keeps slipping in to whisper in her ear to the point that you have to remind yourself that Christina is twelve. Do that enough and this book starts feeling remarkably weird. Anyway, Parker has a horse now and he rides that horse like he was born to do it, and Christina is further smitten. Then Parker's asshole and devilish riding starts turning her on, so you know it's only a matter of time. Parker is succeeding fantastically in his seducer role without even having to try all that hard. Big bonus points for Parker.

Dylan, meanwhile, is losing to Parker in just about everything. During the hunt picnic, Parker beats him in their race thing. At the hunt ball, Parker gains most of the attention and cuts in on a dance between Dylan and Christina, winning himself a riding partner in Christina at some paired jumping thingamajig because Christina is too busy being flustered at falling into him to really think about what she's saying. Dylan is not thrilled about this development, but he's got to go to Ohio for a wedding and this leaves Christina free to jump with Parker at their event whatever it's called. Because Parker is reckless (which is probably why he's so blatantly winning Christina over), his attitude starts to rub off on Christina. Christina, who tends to let this crap happen to her far too much, takes after his example and starts to push Sterling again. The thing is, however, that Sterling is relishing the challenge. Perhaps Mona has been wrong all this time! (Which, at this point, is not remarkable.) Therefore at the upcoming event, Christina goes back on her form and puts herself into training level instead of novice. Everyone reacts with displeasure, but Christina sticks to her decision, blatantly uses her mother's past with Wonder in efforts to get what she wants, and succeeds.

Only then Parker has to go be reckless some more and wrecks into a cross country jump, bringing everything back to reality for Christina, who realizes how stupid she was being. Parker goes off to the hospital, Christina discovers how depressed and crazed for attention Parker is, and then confronts the Townsends about it. They react by deciding not to ship Parker off to another private school and Parker is determined to not be an asshat anymore by doing the right thing by Foxy, who is now going to live at Samantha's place while Parker heals up and works around the barn. The book ends with Dylan still in a tentative lead for Christina's twelve-year-old heart because he's been such a good guy, according to Christina. However, considering Christina finds him about as stimulating as an old stuffed animal, I doubt that's going to last long.

Points (which, yes, have mostly to do with Brad):

• Gasque helpfully informs us, through Dylan, that Samantha wouldn't want to be around racehorses as her mother died because of one. Not like this fact EVER STOPPED HER IN PRE-GASQUE HISTORY or anything.

• He seemed too self-assured to be one of the Townsend Acres grooms. ...what? Are all grooms naturally self-conscious or is this something Brad Townsend drills into them upon signing their W-4?

• Brad Townsend was one of those trainers that looked like he'd never gotten his hands dirty. Okay, I have several issues with this statement: 1) if it looks like he's never gotten his hands dirty, it's probably because he's mainly an owner. 2) Just because he's clean we're supposed to dislike him? 3) Since when is Brad clean, anyway? He was always out on horseback before Gasque had to go Handi Wipe him to death.

• He was one of Ashleigh's least liked people in the racing world. Yeah, but only in the racing world. Excuse me while I giggle at this.

• "I don't know why he's always felt so competitive with Ashleigh." Oh, please. I've got a ton of valid theories, along with the ones that involve him secretly lusting after her and hating her for it, so I think Gasque could have gone out on a limb instead of doing the literary equivalent of a helpless shrug.

• Brad had almost messed up Wonder's chances of winning the Kentucky Derby by overracing her in the weeks leading up to it. Uh, she ran three times before the Kentucky Derby. In the course of four months. I don't think it gets more normal than that.

• I have waited so many books for Brad's return and his first line in this book is "That's the way, kid!" as he pumps his fist in the air. I so disagree with this line. Blah.

• Parker is exciting and funny, but Dylan is as comfortable to be with as Rags. Christina's turmoil over the boys reaches a critical point. For all those not in the know, Rags is a stuffed animal. I don't know about anyone else, but I think when you're comparing a potential love interest to a stuffed animal, your mind has pretty much made itself up.

• Dale Gasque is a little too obsessed with adam's apples. I mean, I'm as appreciative of male-specific human anatomy as the next...person who's interested in those things...but come on. Plus, considering adam's apples pretty much only develop during puberty, these are some freakishly fast developing kids.

• One thing I love about this book is Lavinia's character. I always thought Joanna Campbell had it totally wrong when she had Lavinia exercising racehorses. I just didn't see that as even remotely plausible considering who Lavinia was. In fact, I'm dead positive it was just another way to pin unfortunate accidents on the Townsends and Lavinia was the most convenient way for those accidents to happen. Gasque makes it known that Lavinia has no respect for anyone in the lower levels of racing, including exercise riders, which I think is far more realistic in regards to how much of a bitch Lavinia is.

• That said, I don't like how she handled Brad and Mr. Townsend. It's like the two have completely reversed roles. Brad was always the one that led Clay around by the nose, with extremely brief moments of lucidity shown on Clay's part. Brad actually acting like a shamed kid at the age of 38 or something is just not right. Clay Townsend acting like he actually cares about anything besides his work...just not right.

• "What charm school did she flunk out of?" Precisely, Melanie. Lavinia really was perfect this time around.

So yeah, you know, I need to put an end note here or something. On the Track is next and then I think I'll finish up the crazy/insane adventures we have come to know as Bonnie and Julie's canine-ridden journey through horse racing scandal heaven.