Amazing Racer aka Shannon's Pride

Amazing Racer
aka Shannon's Rainbow
2013

Every so often, a movie comes along that tempts me back into blogging. A movie so inspiring, so awkward, so full of fake tears and melodrama, that I am forced to act. That movie is Amazing Racer. Or Shannon's Rainbow. I'm not sure why they changed the name, but that's probably your first clue.

We begin this fine tale in Florida, because it is crazy and that is where crazy things live. Shannon wakes up in a hospital, and we quickly learn that her father has passed away and there is some concern that Shannon's recent "accident" was "intentional." It totally was not, because she was too busy "crying" and driving at a fire hydrant because her uncle's wife yelled at her for picking at her food and it is uncle's wife's way or NO WAY. That spoiled orphan! NO ONE LOVES YOU, SHANNON. NO ONE.

We are then immediately informed that Shannon is the product of a teen union gone horribly awry. Shannon's dad's family absconded with Infant Shannon and told Shannon's mom's family that Shannon died. Somewhat Older Shannon was informed that her mother died when she was Infant Shannon. Who is confused? Even Therapist Daryl Hannah is like, "Wow, this is like a TV movie!" Oh, Daryl. We are just getting started.

Shannon's mother, Christine, is a pediatric surgeon or something living in Pittsburgh. So she flies down and gets Shannon, immediately tells her that no one really wants to deal with this situation because dude, this is ridiculous, but promises Shannon that they will give this a shot over the summer and if Shannon doesn't like it she can go back to Florida and live with her uncle's crazy wife who hates her. Awesome options! Anyway, they go back to Pittsburgh and Shannon goes from weepy teen to instabitch for no apparent reason and then yells at Christine about how her problems are worse than hers and Christine is like OH, ARE THEY? So Shannon shuts up.

But Christine has a horse, and her boyfriend owns a horse farm, and Christine wants Shannon to see the farm and Shannon doesn't want to because horses are horrible and this is a smoke screen. Shannon loves horses. Shannon's dad loved horses. Everyone loves horses. But Christine makes Shannon take a shower and go to the farm, so Christine can "race" her horse for thirty minutes or something and then proceeds to get in a sulky and gallop a Standardbred around in a circle.

It's that kind of movie. Who is excited?

Shannon pretty much immediately gets caught trying to make out with an unnamed filly and is lassoed into a job at the farm. Christine's boyfriend has an amazing heart to heart with her after he's tried to get her "behind a horse" in which he guesses that "you were on a horse when you found out (that your father died)!" And then he said, "Ohmigod, your mom was on a horse too when she found out (that you "died")!" And Shannon is now too confused to cry because what the hell? Who makes random conclusions like that? But anyway, this is why they both refuse/refused to ride. Only some light badgering got them to stop being traumatized.

So then Shannon and Christine separately admit that they hate Shannon's dad and there is yet more crying, followed by a montage of memories, which means that now Shannon can start smiling occasionally and "get behind a horse." This means that Shannon is handed the filly she tried to make out with and christens her Rainbow, because of course. Then they race and Rainbow is "something" and everyone group hugs except this random dude who looks uncomfortable.

THEN. We cut to the Evil Owner character shooting clay pigeons with a shotgun in front of his mansion as Stanford Blatch yells, "That's 9 out of 10!" and presents him with alcoholic beverages. Evil Owner's wife tells him all about how awesome Rainbow is and he laughs menacingly and racks his shotgun.

Meanwhile Rainbow comes in third in her maiden race because Shannon wasn't racing her and therefore there was not enough love to motivate her. In the next race, Rainbow is claimed by Evil Owner, who sneers at them and asks if they know what a claiming race is. Boyfriend offers him $40,000 and yells "What do you want!" Evil Owner says, "Payback."

So now we know who the smart characters are in this movie, as Stanford Blanch literally pries Rainbow out of Shannon's grip as she yells, "SAY HER NAME, STANFORD! SAY IT!" There is  more crying and collapsing in stalls. Evil Owner tells his trainer to make Rainbow forget the girl and mutters that the horse is weak. So Shannon relaxes in a hammock as Rainbow bolts around in a panic. Odd juxtaposition, but okay.

Evil Owner's wife suddenly feels bad and says they should take the horse back and Evil Owner is all I WOULD RATHER IT DIE. Then he tells Stanford to kill the horse. Poor Stanford isn't getting a lot out of this relationship. So the wife gets Christine's boyfriend to intercept the moronic...veterinarians?...and buys the horse for $400 after Steve Guttenberg can not understand negotiations. So, hey, at least Idiot Boyfriend Character saved $39,600.

Then Christine yells at someone named Max, who is drunk, but apparently will save Rainbow who, after about two hours in Evil Owner's possession is at the brink of death. A night goes by and Rainbow has a full recovery from her phantom near death problem.

Shannon: "She should be dead, right Max?"
Max: "That's right."
Shannon (in baby voice): "But you aren't, are you, baby?" *smooches!* "Lovely Rainbow!"

No, really. And who the hell is Max, again? Anyway, I think he's sober now. Random dude (who is he?) who looked uncomfortable before is all, "Hey, Max and Rainbow!" Like they've been together forever. Later on, in some fit of paranoia, Max shows up at Christine's and is all "You have a spy! Evil Owner knows I'm working for you, or whatever I'm doing. WHO COULD IT BE? I'M OUT OF HERE!" And Christine is all, "Yeah, you gonna run? Are you a pussy, Max? Huh?" So she's finally like, "Oh, whatever."

Stupid Boyfriend makes Shannon the jockey for Rainbow's next race, the Pennsylvania Cup, because she's suddenly good enough and not an untested maiden or anything. Shannon finds Max passed out in Rainbow's stall (not surprising) and castigates him for not helping her. Max tells her some story about everyone's back story and apparently Evil Owner doesn't want Stupid Boyfriend to win the Cup. Ever. We have to take Rainbow to another farm and run Rainbow "fast and hard" and no one can know! Running fast and hard to Max, by the way, is trotting slowly in an arena. Then he explains basic racing strategy that everyone knows already as he is backlit by the sun and someone sings in the background and it is EMOTIONAL. FEEL THE EMOTION.

Then STUPID EFFING BOYFRIEND lets the random nameless dude know that Rainbow is up the road training in secret so no one will know, and then I guess says, "HAHA, CAUGHT YOU, DIRTY SPY." I don't know if this was a trap? He didn't catch him doing anything other than ask where the horse is so...in any case, nameless dude calls up Evil Owner and lies and I guess things are cool now. Or...oh, who cares. 

Now everyone voice overs to montage and Evil Owner's Wife cries some more as Evil Owner says something cryptic and walks around with most of his shirt buttons undone. I can't tell if this is foreshadowing or what, because Evil Owner is arrested at the race for, as the cop says, "attempted murder, conspiracy...well, just a whole bunch of stuff." Miranda Rights they most certainly aren't.

Rainbow wins. Super random black and white snapshot montage. Group hug.

It goes without saying that everyone should watch this. I think that's all that need be said.

Melanie's Double Jinx is actually more like double vision -- just look at those two sexy men on the cover! Thoroughbred #69: Melanie's Double Jinx.

Melanie's Double Jinx
Thoroughbred #69
By Mary Newhall
January 2005

Can Jinx beat a curse?

With Christina sidelined by a broken ankle, Melanie is doing a lot of riding for Whitebrook, but none of it is quite to her satisfaction. There are just too many distractions. Jazz is more distant than ever after nearly selling Image to Brad Townsend. Kevin, who has been helping Melanie train Hi Jinx, has been stirring up old romantic feelings in Melanie. And even though Hi Jinx's training has been going pretty well, Melanie is worried about his prospects for the future. No matter what she does—or how she looks at it—Hi Jinx seems to be … well… jinxed.

The Summary:

Yeah, um, no. Let's deconstruct this and assign point values for accuracy:

• With Christina sidelined by a broken ankle (true +1)
  
• Melanie is doing a lot of riding for Whitebrook (false -1)
  
• Jazz is more distant than ever after nearly selling Image to Brad Townsend (true, but he was already pretty distant, so we'll call it 0)
  
• Kevin, who has been helping Melanie train Hi Jinx, has been stirring up old romantic feelings in Melanie (false. WTF? There is, like, one sentence when he asks, "Do you remember when we broke up?" -1)
  
• And even though Hi Jinx's training has been going pretty well (false -1)
  
• Melanie is worried about his prospects for the future (true, but that hardly counts, especially because we already disproved the "training has been going pretty well" part.  Net score:  0)

So our grand total is -2. I think that speaks for itself.


The Cover:

OH WOW. I'm pretty sure words cannot do this cover justice, but I will certainly try, because this one is too amazing to go unreviewed forever. So, first we have Melanie, who has apparently been transported to a summer camp out west or something. (Yes, I know there's no saddle horn on Jinx's saddle, but the whole feel of the cover is very Colorado somehow.) She is wearing a fetching lavender T-shirt with the longest short sleeves I've ever seen, and her entire ensemble looks more like Christina than Melanie (not to mention her reddish-brown/auburn/brown/strawberry blonde hair, also very Christina-ish), but other than that, I'll give her a pass.

The leading men … hoo boy. We have (I'm assuming) Jazz on the left, in green, and Kevin on the right, in red. But honestly, these boys are twins. The one on the right has slightly more reddish hair and looks slightly more goofy, which is why I'm assuming he's Kevin. Neither one of them looks a bit like a rock star or has a ponytail, as Jazz does. And freakily, they are dressed alike. The green one (presumably-Jazz) is wearing a T-shirt, the red one (supposedly-Kevin) is wearing a polo shirt. Other than that, they're both wearing jeans, docksiders, and watches with brown leather wristbands on their left wrists. So I don’t know, maybe they've just come from some sort of twins lookalike contest and are ready to unleash their combined manliness on Melanie? Your guess is as good as mine. For what it's worth, the horse doesn't look very impressed either.


The Plot:

It's November, shortly after #68. Melanie has moved Jinx to Tall Oaks, and Kevin is helping her train him. They decide he's ready to race. Okay, so to be perfectly honest, I have been so caught up in the exciting time-travel experience that was Samantha's unofficial diaries, I didn’t actually reread Breaking the Fall because Claire already did that for you. (We can ignore Kaitlin's Wild Ride since it's all about Kaitlin's autumn of luuuuurve and has no bearing on The Star Show.) So if you have more patience than me, have at it.

The main plotline of this book is that Jinx is an asshole, Melanie is worried that Jazz will sell him, and Melanie and Jazz have grown apart. Or apparently they broke up or something already and I missed that too. Kevin and Melanie take Jinx to Florida to run in the What a Pleasure stakes. Melanie rides a horse for Ghyllian Hollis and brings her in third. Jazz is in Florida recording an album because there are no recording studios in New York and pops onto the page long enough to have a fight with Melanie: he thinks she's not paying any attention to him and that every time she ignores him, God kills a kitten. He also says that the horses are an investment and "if they aren't bringing in a return, you've got a problem." Melanie thinks how much he's like Brad, which is true, but it's also hard to argue with. Sorry, Mel, you may be able to pay the bills by running around in the pages of a book and wearing ugly jeans, but the rest of us have actual bills to pay.

So after that little nugget, Jazz drops a second bombshell: He's going to sell Image. Melanie decides that Jinx better start earning his keep and win some purses so she can buy both horses from Jazz. Unfortunately, she screws it all up during his very next work, when Jinx gets away from her. They come in third in the What a Pleasure stakes, and she has a less-than-stellar ride on Gratis as well. Kevin yells at her for her sucky concentration, and they go back to Kentucky. Ashleigh tells Melanie that Jazz asked if they wanted to buy Image, but they can't pony up the cash right now. Kevin feels bad and apologizes. He says that Melanie can get through to Jinx and he'll prove it to her.

So then we're treated to a rehash of the Champion Theory of Horse Training from Champion's Spirit. Remember that one, guys? It was all Cindy's fault because she was sad about Storm and making Champion behave badly? While I would love to blame everything on Cindy, let's face it, Champion was also an asshole sometimes. (Of course, I suspect that he was also an asshole the way entitled, bratty little kids are assholes and you can usually blame that on their parents, so maybe we're onto something here.) Anyway, Melanie decides that the secret is to relax and "think of an easy gallop on the beach rather than a tough race on a crowded track." And because this is Thoroughbred, it works out wonderfully and Melanie decides she's going to listen to Kevin from now on. Barf.

Jazz drops by to tell Melanie he's sold Image, but she doesn't want to hear it. Christina makes a Very Special Guest Appearance to spill the beans on that one: Ben bought Image, and she'll be going back to Tall Oaks. (This part is kind of cute because as Christina says, "She's going home to where she was bred.") Jazz admits that he didn’t really know what he was getting into when he invested in the horses, and that "we had such a good time when it was all going right," until they hit financial problems. "Things go wrong," Melanie says, "it's part of life." It's a pretty fair assessment of the situation, and if I were feeling charitable, I might even say that it's a pretty good life lesson as well. Beginnings are easy, it's continuity that's hard. (Thank you, Rita Mae Brown.)

Jazz has more good news: Ben is paying him so much money that Melanie can keep racing Jinx and buy him. I guess Ben is like a combination charity/bank here. Oh well, what's the use of being rich if you can't buy presents for annoying teenage jockeys? I have to say, though, the purchase of Image puts Cindy's Arabic saddle and bridle to shame.

Allie (henceforth Mary Sue) starts bonding with Jinx, and he's a big ball of fluffy kitten happy rainbow fur with her. It's Christmas, and Melanie thinks up the perfect gift for Sue: a plane ticket to Florida to see Jinx race. How thoughtful, Melanie. So your gift is to bring Susie with you … so she can work and take care of Jinx … thus giving you the money to buy Jinx. Very generous. We are also treated to a "poor little impoverished orphan" scene in which Mary Sue gets "new clothes, makeup kits (WTF? No Thoroughbred heroine is ever allowed to want makeup), horse supplies," and a journal. Oh God, if the series had gone on longer, we would have been treated to some special editions featuring the journals of Mary Sue Allie Allison Gordon Avery al-Rihani. Thank goodness they pulled the plug when they did.

Oh right, and then of course Melanie runs Jinx in the Spectacular Bid (get it?) and Jazz comes to congratulate her and she lets fricking Mary Sue into the winner's circle with her. Ugh. I mean, oh, how sweet. Not.

And that's it. Melanie and Jazz are finally officially broken up and I guess the idea was to get Melanie and Kevin back together, but the series ended just a few books later and anyway I was so exhausted by this point that I truly didn’t care that Kevin was even working with the horses again, much less who he was dating. So, for those of you who were really looking forward to a lengthy Twilight-style love triangle between Melanie and Kevin and Jazz, sorry to disappoint, but on the plus side, it means you don't have to slog through this drivel.

Points of Interest:

• It's Thoroughbred, starring the vapor lights again! They are the very first thing mentioned in the book. No joke. Right after the word "The."
  
• It seems that both Brad and Christina have honored their deal from The Price of Fame—Melanie thinks that Brad just backed out of the deal to buy/breed Image, and she and Kevin wonder why.
  
• Our famous horsie sighting comes up early, when Kevin encourages Melanie to point Jinx toward the Derby. Melanie is worried about the curse that says any horse who wins the Breeder's Cup Juvenile won't win the Derby. Kevin rebuts by mentioning Spectacular Bid. Later Jinx runs in the Spectacular Bid stakes.
  
• Mary Sue starts high school in this book, because someone in TB-land finally has some sense: "The school wouldn't allow it [homeschooling] for more than a few weeks," Melanie said. "Cindy said they require parents to meet certain education requirements themselves, and she doesn't even have her associate's degree. Besides that, she and Ben both agreed that Allie needs to be around more people her own age."
  
• Melanie rides a Whitebrook horse named Determined in this book. I sort of like that because it was one of the names that AU-Rebecca proposed for AU-Jazz in Ashleigh's Christmas Miracle.
  
• Apparently Terry, the groom from Townsend Acres, has defected to Celtic Meadows. His last name has changed from Bush to Conley. Perhaps he's joined the witness protection program. (Or maybe he's not supposed to be the same Terry and I just missed that.)
  
• On a date with Jazz, Melanie wears "green jeans, a green-and-purple shirt that echoed the Tall Oaks colors, and sneakers." Dear God, she really is channeling Christina. Stop the madness!

Next up: One more book of this to go. I'll take bets on whether I'm able to get through an entire book of Mary Sue or not.

I feel inspired, oh so inspired. Thoroughbred #59: Star's Inspiration

Star's Inspiration
Thoroughbred #59
By Mary Anderson
June 2003

It's Star's last strike. …

Christina Reese has always known that Wonder's Star is special. But as the third race in the Triple Crown approaches, it's unclear whether Star is up to the challenge. The competition is getting tougher every minute, and Christina's so stressed out, she wonders whether all the pressure she's feeling will affect Star's concentration.

But then Christina gets some fantastic tips from an unexpected source: a jockey who claims to have raced the legendary 1977 Triple Crown winner, Seattle Slew. Star and Seattle Slew have more in common than Christina ever realized. With this new advice—and the amazing support of her family and friends—Christina feels ready to take on the world at the Belmont! But will Star come through?

The Summary:

Oh look! A big fat 0% on this one. I guess Star's imaginary three-paragraph illness is supposed to be the "is Star up to the challenge?" part. Christina is far less stressed-out and annoying than she was before the Preakness, and she never actually talks to said legendary jockey at all. One point for both Seattle Slew and Star nearly dying of a viral infection, but otherwise, that's a solid F+, HarperEntertainment.  

The Cover:

What on earth is Christina wearing? It looks like a polyester business suit. The shoulderpads, the ribbons … is she riding in the Belmont, or going to be a secretary in the 1970s? Also, apparently Whitebrook's colors have become black and blue, not blue and white, and I'm not sure Christina's helmet is fastened there, so it's good she didn't fall off in this book. I'm going to guess that on the left, that's Emilio Casados on Celtic Mist, so I'll give them credit for a) the horse being a gray, and b) the jockey wearing some shade of green, although I'm pretty sure that's a green sport coat he's wearing. And to the right, on the black-ish horse … what is that, the pink blob of Belmont?

The Plot:

Christina is in the starting gate for the Belmont, having a flashback to the way Image broke her leg during the Derby two books ago. Damn, that was quick. No 150 pages of whining and moping before the Belmont? No, never fear, life would never be that kind, for it turns out that it's just a dream and Ashleigh wakes Christina up.

Then we get into a rehash of basically all the things that happened in the last book, such as: Parker is worried about Brad's designs on Melanie and Image. Christina is not sure what she wants to do after high school and after Star finishes racing. Dani tells Christina how glad she is she's going to college and how excited she is to be a vet. Image won the Derby, Celtic Mist won the Preakness, and Wild 'n' Free (that colt from Celtic Meadows) came in second in the Preakness. Wait, I think some of this was already rehashed in the last book. Well, that's okay, there's nothing like a good comprehension check in the middle of the story. There's going to be a quiz at the end, you know.

Ashleigh, Melanie, and Christina visit Ghyllian Hollis and Vince Jones at Celtic Meadows, which is apparently the U.S. offshoot of the main facility in Shannon, Ireland. Hmm, I bet this will be important in about seven books or so. Vince is looking for a jockey for a colt named Celtic Knot. Melanie is riding for Townsend Acres, so Christina says yes.

Christina wins a race on Charisma, and brings Celtic Knot in second. Melanie comes in second on two Townsend Acres horses. She's clearly been drinking the Kool-Aid, because when Brad suggests breeding Celtic Mist to Image, Melanie says that might be "one incredible foal." Don't worry, though; Vicky Frontiere is still there to reaffirm that we hate Townsend Acres and she doesn't want to ride for them.

Ian calls the track in a panic to say that Star is sick, but by the time they get home, he's fine. I guess this is supposed to interject half a chapter of tension into the story before we finally make it to the Belmont in Chapter 10. The next day Christina exercises Gratis because Wolf quit working at Tall Oaks after he was suspended after the Preakness. Christina suggests that Cindy ask Melanie to ride Gratis in the Belmont.

Christina and Melanie graduate from high school and go out to dinner with Ashleigh, Mike, Samantha, Tor, and Parker. Samantha and Tor announce that they're having a baby. For some reason they don't go out with Ian, Beth, and Kevin (who is not mentioned in this book at all, but in later books they talk about how he's going to college in the fall). I might as well take this moment to rant about the fact that this is not possible at all. Melanie was born in the spring, Christina was born on Christmas, and Kevin was born the next spring. There's no way the three of them would be in the same class. Either Henry Clay has a September 1 cutoff, which means that Christina and Kevin could be in the same class but Melanie couldn't, or else they have a January 1 cutoff, which means that Melanie and Christina could be in the same class but Kevin couldn't. I can't begin to guess. My only fanon theory is that maybe Melanie got held back at some point. But trying to make this work logically is like trying to make the ages for Sweet Valley Twins line up, so I just don't even try anymore.

They take Star to Belmont and meet some famous people: Karen Taylor, Seattle Slew's owner; and Jean Cruguet, Slew's jockey. Oooh, I bet one of these people is supposed to be Star's inspiration. Five dollars, anyone? Cindy takes Christina to visit the farm where Legacy is at stud. The farm isn't all that nice, but the people are. They tell Christina and Cindy how much they love Legacy and how sweet he is. On the way back, Christina point-blank admits, "I never should have let him go." This is a rehash from earlier books too, but I like the way this whole thing plays out: Christina admits she was a brat, although probably no more so than most twelve-year-olds; we continue to acknowledge that Ashleigh was wrong to push racing so hard; and Legacy is fine, it's just sad that Wonder's supposedly-last baby never really got a chance. Bittersweet stuff all around.

Then we get back to Belmont and morph into a crossover with The Saddle Club: Speed.com has been stolen! Speed.com, if you remember, is trained by Alexis Huffman, who worked (dishonestly) for Fredericka Graber when she still owned Tall Oaks. I think I have that right. Check out the recap for #44: Perfect Image if you want to know more. Christina remembers that before the Preakness, Speed.com looked like he might be going lame. She speculates that Alexis arranged for him to be stolen. Gasps all around. All right, now let's get Deborah Hale to write an article and we will skulk around and get people to admit that … whoops, wrong series. Instead, Christina and Melanie skulk around in a car and try to find the horse. Right, because whoever stole him would be keeping him in a paddock next to the highway. They see a horse that they think could be Speed.com, and report it to the track security manager. Christina tells Melanie she's thinking of becoming a vet.

They draw positions for the Belmont:
Gratis – gate 1
Magnifique – 2
Derry O'Dell – 3
Wild 'n' Free – 4
Star – 5
Celtic Mist – 6
TV Time – 7
War Ghost – 8

For those keeping track, there were 9 in the Derby and 9 in the Preakness. I don’t know who we're missing—Ingleside, I guess. Granted, I know there have been small fields in the Belmont before, but I suspect that this painstaking listing of horses/gates/jockeys is because we're supposed to feel a deep kinship (or at least name recognition) with all these horses, and I really haven't been paying enough attention for that to work.

There's a pre-race party at Will and Susan Graham's the night before. There are a whole bunch of people there: Magnifique's owner, Ghyllian Hollis, Jilly Gordon and Craig Avery (hey, remember them? I'm sure they WON'T become an important plot point in about ten books). Will announces that they found Speed.com after Christina and Melanie's anonymous tip led them to a farm outside Elmont. It turns out Alexis did, indeed, engineer the theft of her own horse. Way to go, Christina and Melanie. That was the most boring Saddle Club mystery ever.

Finally, the goddamn Belmont happens. At first Star breaks badly, then he gets blocked in, then sees a hole and goes for it. She tries to keep Star under control, then remembers what Jean Cruguet said about Seattle Slew: "He just hung on and let the horse run the race his way." This is truly hilarious because the only person who ever actually said those words was Cindy, who was quoting something she read. Though really, Cindy probably would have been about as much help as Jean Cruguet here. A mere 118 words later, in the most underwhelming race scene/denouement ever, Star wins the Belmont. Turns out Parker came to watch the race and kisses Christina (even though they were still broken up or something like that), and Christina knows that "everything was going to be just perfect." Ugh.

There is a super-inspiring biography of Seattle Slew at the end. I guess it's supposed to be inspiring because Seattle Slew "nearly los[t] his jockey, Jean Cruguet, at the start of the 1977 Kentucky Derby" just like Star and Christina did here? I don't even know.

So there's your Triple Crown, folks.
Derby: Image, Mist, Gratis
Preakness: Mist, Wild 'n' Free, Gratis (disqualified), Star
Belmont: Star, Gratis, Mist. (Not sure about place and show—Gratis and Mist were fighting it out down to the wire but they don't confirm the exact finish. But it's not really supposed to matter because Star won !1!!1eleventyone!!)

Points of Interest:

• The vapor lights make an early appearance in chapter 1.
• At one point, Ashleigh says, "We had some great years at Edgardale when I was young" and gives a "heavy sigh." Christina knows "her mother must be thinking about the horses they had lost because of the epidemic." Ah, very observant, Christina. Good thing you want to become a vet and not a psychologist.
• For the party, Christina wears a "sleeveless blue-and-white dress." Okay, we get it, Christina. You like your horsies. You are allowed to pick other colors, you know. Maybe something else would set off your ever-changing hair better.
• Jilly is described as the person who "jockeyed Ashleigh's Wonder until a broken leg kept her from racing, forcing Ashleigh to get her jockey's license so that she could ride Wonder in the Breeder's Cup." Which is actually mostly correct. +1 for Mary.

Next up: the Breeder's Cup! No, just kidding. It's another Jennifer Chu book, which means those California people will be back.

secretariat saves his own movie, because he's that awesome

Secretariat
2010

You guys, I know. If you still visit this blog, you probably wonder just where I went and if I still read horse books and view horse movies and torture myself endlessly with their varying shades of something we might call "quality."

I would like to sit here and tell you that I have a huge back load of books and movies to review, but I would be lying. The best excuse I can come up with is...I just haven't been trying very hard? Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

Seriously, that and I needed a break. It was glorious.

Now, that said, I did run off and see Secretariat on opening weekend. I have pondered whether or not I liked it since. I never really cared about Penny Chenery, and I can say with some seriousness that I still don't really care about Penny Chenery. Am I a little dismayed that they should have called this movie Chenery: Housewife Turned Inspirational Rogue? Somewhat,  yes. Because this movie is basically Chenery: Housewife Turned Inspirational Rogue masquerading as a movie about Secretariat because, as the movie's makers probably figured out well before me, Penny Chenery? Yeah, not so much.

That one time when Cindy freaked out over nothing for twelve years.

Cindy's Bold Start
by Mary Newhall Anderson

I have a soft spot for this cover, only because I think this is the best depiction of Cindy in the history of Thoroughbred book covers. At least, the best depictions of adult Cindy, and considering there were only three of those covers and one of those only showed the back of her head, it doesn't have a lot of competition. The rest of it brings up some questions, mainly involving the horse and the tack. That's a huge horse. Look at all of that space between Cindy's knee and the front of the horse's chest. It's like a racing Clydesdale. Also, that is not a racing saddle. Plus, there is no view to speak of at Belmont Park, but I still like the overall composition.

What will Cindy do now?
When Cindy McLean goes back to Belmont to clean out her apartment, she finds her old diary and is taken back to the days when she started racing in New York, after she fled Dubai...

Find out what happened in Cindy's own words as she struggled to compete against the best male jockeys in the country. She was new to the tough Belmont trainers and had trouble getting rides. But Cindy never stopped trying, and in time she was winning big races on a filly no one else thought could run.

Now that Cindy can't ride anymore, her life has changed drastically. She'll need to tap some of that old determination as she sets off boldly in a new direction.

This is a really horrible summary. Why read the book now? Not only do you know what happens, they don't even bother to spark your interest. Cindy struggles, Cindy succeeds, Cindy must tap some old determination and guzzle it down like a binge drinker at a keg party... What is the point?

Racing Image, and bankrupting friends.

Racing Image
by Alice Leonhardt
2001

I am pretty positive that the plot for this book is only possible because Fredericka Graber is completely incapable of making good decisions, and our beloved main character is putting on a front of helping her when in fact she is profiting off of her horrible mistakes. Yes, I'm talking about you, Melanie.

Will Image ever behave herself on the track?

Melanie Graham's dream has come true - a chance to ride Perfect Image in her first race. Image has been running great, and it looks like they may even have a shot at winning some big-time races.

But Melanie and the black filly's trainers have forgotten how unpredictable Image can be. When she's disqualified from her first race, they wonder if she has the temperament to race at all. How will Melanie prove that with a little special treatment this very special filly can make it all the way to the Triple Crown?

Anyway, Claire already wrote up a beautiful summary of this book, which means I get to be a little lazy in reporting my own findings, which I will present to you now in the form of a list. Fantastic? I think so.

Finding #1: Melanie makes selfishness look like pure philanthropy. Way to love your fellow person, Melanie! The problem Melanie is facing is great indeed: she is in love with a horse that is owned by a person who cannot figure out her own finances. For Fredericka, this means bankruptcy and the inevitable fate of living out her life in a retirement villa while our Thoroughbred Series characters remember her fondly, but routinely fail to visit. For Melanie, this means that she may lose the horse she loves to the evil clutches of Brad Townsend, who still wants to retire and breed Image, and we all know this is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to a horse. Especially Image, who just wants to roam around in a field all day, can't stand the track, and can't tolerate being left in a stall for more than two minutes straight. I mean, obviously a racing career is perfect for her. Retirement as an unshod broodmare would be too low a path to even consider!

As Freddy bemoans her stupidity, hinting at Brad's ruse of sincerity by wanting to buy up her stock, Melanie puts her foot down. Like hell she'll let Brad buy all of Freddy's stock and thereby help her save her farm! That means Image will be swaybacked and pregnant by the time she's three instead of four! She will train Image herself to race at the end of the month, and surely the tiny purse of a maiden race will convince the bank that Freddy is good for the rest over the course of two or three years in which Image might win the amount Brad is willing to pay now--probably in cash, because that's how he is--excluding the cost of feed and board and fees and things of that nature. This plan totally makes sense! And Freddy buys it all, allowing Melanie to puff up her head with silliness about talking to the bank and telling them how important she is despite having no money. Therefore, Melanie's brand of helping a person out is to protect her own interests and make it look like she's really in it to help Fredericka. Which is brilliant, but probably not what the series is going for in terms of teaching morals to preteens.

Finding #2: Image hates racing. Seriously, that's not even me reading between the lines. It's pretty obvious. Having never read the books that lead up to Image's run at the Kentucky Derby, I never really got why she was such an extreme dark horse. She is the definition of a dark horse, and now I get why everyone (everyone who recognized the insanity of the plot, anyway, and didn't just support it because at least it wasn't Star and Chris) was more or less disgusted that she actually won the race. So I am more in awe of the way Melanie and her band of merry followers can dismiss this plain fact, as if babying her will make Image a sane, even enthusiastic racehorse. Because sure, she has talent, but she hates it. Even Melanie seems to recognize this on more than one occasion, but she keeps pushing it as Image's "career." And I keep wondering what is wrong with this girl and why she has to push the whole feminist movement onto a two-year-old filly that hates what she's doing and/or is terrified about 75% of the time and homicidal the other 25%.

Finding #3: (This is sort of a general series observation.) Why are these people even invested in horse racing? I am always amazed by the hypocritical statements they always make about racing and retiring. You can't race a horse because it's possible abuse, but you can't retire a horse because you can't for varying reasons, one of them being (as it is here) that breeding is vaguely awful for no reason I can quite figure out other than it makes mares swaybacked and fat. Thoroughbred, your weird issues are hurting my brain.

Finding #4: I would like to see a horse sudden stop dead at the quarter mile pole, spin around, run the opposite direction into oncoming traffic, spin back around after having dodged a couple of horses by the narrowest of margins, and still win the race. I mean, people got upset when Glory won the Breeders' Cup Classic by 31 lengths, but I'm thinking this is the more impossible scenario of the two.

Finding #5: Melanie finds herself irrationally upset when she finds out that her father doesn't have $500,000 of capital sitting around to invest in a racehorse for his little girl, ultimately going to Jazz to be co-crazy racehorse owners. This results in a talk with Ashleigh and Christina concerning how she just can't expect horse racing to be like 4-H. Come on, Melanie. You don't just give away racehorses! Sure, Ashleigh may have been handed half interest in Wonder out of the goodness of Clay Townsend's heart. Samantha may have been given Shining because Ashleigh and Mike are nice like that. Christina may have been given the opportunity to buy up the Townsend share in Star because Brad was feeling sort of charitable that day. Allie may have been given a stallion for no reason at all that anyone can figure out ever. But you? You don't get handed a racehorse because that would be silly! This is a business, Melanie. Look at Cindy. Did she get her own horse? No. And why? Because no one liked her. Take from that what you will.

Finding #6: Funny quotes. Example: "Well, Vince is Image's trainer so I guess he has to be involved." Yes, Melanie. I guess he does, like, have to do his job.

Finding #7: Fashion. Thoroughbred, you fail at it. Example: Jazz's all black ensemble. Freddy's all blue pants suit, complete with blue pumps, handbag and gloves. Everyone's love of variations on brown and khaki, especially when wearing tweed.

Finding #8: I liked the book. The ending was predictable, but well done. Sure, Melanie may be forcing a career on a horse that wants no part of it, but she's realizing her dream. Which is to force things on others and bankrupt good friends along the way. Way to go, Mel!