Nov 7, 2008

Wildfire: Introducing the love quadrangle.

1.2: Rescue

Rescue is basically an immediate follow up to the pilot, bringing in the horse to the plotline. This episode includes the important wine festival thing that everyone was all excited about in the pilot, and it includes Amber trying to get some wine despite the bartender telling her he was at her christening and no, she will not receive wine. Amber pouts and complains about the small town she's living in. Poor, poor Amber. She's just waiting to go to college and binge drink until she's hospitalized.

Anyway, it looks like Wildfire hasn't made the smoothest of transitions into police horse life. By this I mean he sucks as a police horse. A garbage truck makes him go crazy, and that is effectively it for his law enforcement career.

Back at the festival, Ken is telling Jean that she really should be careful about the new girl because Jean has two boys and the last thing she needs is Kris popping out a grandkid. Jean apparently really takes this advice to heart because she starts to eye Kris pretty hard, just waiting for her to do something wrong. This something occurs when Matt wanders up and starts to talk to Kris, who reveals to him that she kind of lied about telling him she learned to ride at camp. Camp is actually prison camp, and Matt is all shocked and touched and sympathetic and crap. Then there are fireworks and Matt takes this opportunity to kiss Kris. Kris puts a stop to this, telling him that she works for him and sadly they can never be (or not, whatever), but before she can do this Jean spots them making out. Jean overreacts completely, figuring that Kris is probably already pregnant with her first bastard grandchild. Horrified, Jean orders Pablo to take Kris away. Pablo drives Kris home, and Kris is insistent on not knowing what was happening before it happened and she will never kiss any boys ever again! Pablo's reaction is pretty, well, um, shall we say shitty?

Anyway, Kris still gets to stay on the farm, but she can no longer kiss boys. This does not bode well for Junior, who has struck a deal with his sister regarding Matt. Apparently she and Matt got into a stupid fight that was supposed to end in make up sex, but the make up sex just didn't happen. Junior understands his sister's plight, and decides he will act on her request to seduce Kris away from Matt, thereby allowing Dani the opportunity to get Matt back under control. So right when Kris starts to undress in her trailer, there's Junior at her window being a complete dork.

So, Junior wants her to go to a hot tub party. Clothing optional. Or maybe it's not allowed. Whatever. Kris is not tempted, and tells him so. She calls him Kenny and Junior refuses to be called by this name, breaking out his pathetic rich kid story. Kris doesn't buy it, stating that he drives a Porsche and wears clothes she's only seen in magazines. Junior realizes out loud that she's not buying his poor rich kid story, and just requests that she give him a good night kiss through the window. Kris shuts the blinds on him and has a private moment to smile (because she's probably secretly infatuated with him, and if he was Brad Townsend I would totally okay this).

Pablo and Jean have a long discussion about how they don't understand the modern world, having difficulties with updated training methods and VCRs. No wonder their farm is failing. Really, is there something wrong with VCRs and exercising a horse in a swimming pool? What is wrong with these people? They have obviously been infected by whatever the hell it is bit the Whitebrook people on the ass.

At this moment, Kris panics because she's discovered that Wildfire is going to be sold at auction. Maybe he'll be sold to kill buyers. Let's all panic and cry! Pablo and Jean won't help because they literally can't buy a horse that isn't the a bargain version of Secretariat. But Matt is all too willing to drive her to the auction, break into the auction house register's office, and help her steal Wildfire. We proceed to have an exceptionally long chase sequence, during which the whole nation becomes infatuated with Kris and her mission to rescue Wildfire from kill buyers. I have a hard time believing all this hoopla over a horse and a girl, but I guess in today's media coverage this might be possible. Anyway, they have live helicopter footage of Kris outrunning everyone on Wildfire, inspiring Jean to believe in her courageousness, Jean's father to want to buy the horse, and Junior to want to have sex with her more. Oh my gosh, girls who have been to jail are just so hot! Imagine all the showers! Or that's what's going through his head, anyway. People look like they want to smack him, and I don't blame them.

So they catch Wildfire and Kris, leading to Kris having to go back to camp for the next 90 days. Only Raintree buys Wildfire and Kris gets to go back to the farm when her sentence is up. Then Wildfire will become Raintree's one and only productive horse, I am sure, giving Jean her fantastic modern Great Depression scenario.

  • You were alone with him. What did you expect to happen? Wow, no one should ever come to Pablo for support after being sexually assaulted. He's one of those guys that would say: "Well, of course that guy tried to rape you. Just look at your skirt."
  • Jean doesn't know how to work a VCR? (I would hate to see how she reacted to DVD players and laptop computers.) She's also talking about the Great Depression like it was yesterday. What year does she think it is? 1950?
  • At the auction, Wildfire is described as a two-year-old thoroughbred colt. Um, sure. And they wonder why he didn't make a good police horse?
  • Apparently no one ever told Kris to never drink stream water. Especially obviously dirty stream water. I hope she enjoys the explosive diarrhea thanks to the giardia that is probably coming her way.
  • This episode has such a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid moment. Typing that sentence was almost painful for me, by the way.
So, that's this week's episode of Wildfire. I've still got to get through Karen Bentley's latest, and considering this book involves a young blond girl that is currently having a conniption over her ruined birthday, I imagine you can guess my opinions already. November is proving to be rather busy for me (53 hour work week! NaNoWriMo! Oh my God!), but the blog is going to see updates. When these updates occur, I couldn't tell you. Just look out for them.


Anonymous said...

this entire review was hilarious! and totally spot-on. you guys don't miss a thing!

sundae_mourning said...

oh man, i just about lost it with the "Look at your skirt" line. especially since i totally get a sexual predator vibe from Pablo.