Hoofprints in the Snow, TB #56

Hoofprints in the Snow
Thoroughbred #56
by Karle Dickerson

I honestly think that some of these books are little rewards for the round table of authors on this series. They slave away at writing characters they basically didn't create in a story they didn't create, and try desperately to insert things they have created to keep them interested. Like Jennifer Chu's California characters, Mary Anderson's Crazy Backstory of Doom, and Karle Dickerson's Lyssa. And they don't get any love for these creations at all, which is kind of sad. But then you have, well, Lyssa.

Lyssa Hynde knows the Wyoming winters are cold, lonely, and dangerous. But she wouldn't give them up for anything. There's nothing she likes better than to gallop her three-day event horse, Blue, through knee-high fresh powder snow. It's snow, okay?

One day when she's out for her morning ride, Lyssa follows a trail of mysterious hoof prints that take her high into the mountains. Climbing a snowdrift, she and Blue set off an avalanche that builds in force as it heads straight for her ranch.

Will Lyssa make it home in time to warn her family and save the other animals? The avalanche is not a plot point, and no one needs saved. Move on already. Will she find the mystery horse that led her astray in the first place? 

Frickin' Lyssa.

Here's the deal: it's January. For your reference, we were practically headed into May in the last book, when Parker went off to England and Christina had literally wedged herself into a corner to stare in fascination at her own fingers. We should be right on top of the Kentucky Derby at this point, but for whatever reason we have been hauled back four months in time to visit Frickin' Lyssa, who has not a) been accepted to train with USET yet, has not b) been to ROLEX yet, and c) has not met Tony yet. I think Tony was in one of those Parker books? Maybe I have a vague memory of this because he's introduced in this one. Whatever. The important thing to note: this makes no sense.

The cover...I have no feelings toward it. The cover artist really ramped up the Western outfit, but for all intents and purposes it fits the book. Lyssa does (sigh) ride Blue around a lot without a saddle, at least before she starts to take current events seriously.

So we begin with Lyssa. Frickin' Lyssa. She's bemoaning the price of supplements or something and basically has the same epiphany that Parker had in another book previously: she needs sponsors. Perhaps the feed store would sponsor her! But before she can feel that swift kick of disillusionment, she is distracted by a woman trying to buy a puppy. Naturally, this woman is suspect because she is not Lyssa and all animals in the world are at risk of being abused if they are not connected to the main character.

So Frickin' Lyssa adopts the puppy out from under the lady, who is peeved but gives up the dog. Lyssa, whose family is strapped for cash, immediately regrets this move, but hauls the puppy home and introduces it to her incredibly open minded family amidst chili and waxing poetical about the mountains and the fresh powder (ahem, snow. Just say snow already!).

Later on, Lyssa's friend Gabriela shows up to inform her that Mystic, the horse Lyssa found for her on one of those random trips teens take to California, is super lame and she's giving her up to Mrs. Peters, crazy animal lady down the road. Mystic will have a forever home and Gabriela is free to pursue boys. Everyone wins. Lyssa feels a deep sense of disdain and decides to ride Blue around in the powder for a while, coming across the school she doesn't go to (because she is "homeschooled.") There, a boy pops out of nowhere and insists that she leave. He is the security guard, you see. It is very important that Lyssa not trample school property.

Being a girl, Lyssa can't help but notice how pretty he is, which I would say violates her determination to judge Gabriela for liking boys and not Mystic, but naturally Blue isn't lame so whatevs. Like boys all you want, Lyssa.

Then there's a party that Gabriela drags Lyssa to so she can dump her by the punch bowl in favor of the new boyfriend, leaving Lyssa free to run into the boy security guard again. His name is Tony. They dance. I'm sure it was titillating, a Western version of the Samantha era's "haunting flamenco," if you will. But I digress.

Blah blah blah. Things happen. Lyssa insists on checking out the school again, and finds hoofprints leading into the mountains, where she assumes Tony has taken the horse to hide out, which is stupid because of the avalanche risk. But of course Frickin' Lyssa follows him up anyway, and just as it's getting a little too dangerous to be plowing around through horse-chest-deep high "powder", Blue flips out and starts an avalanche.

And then girl and horse outrace an avalanche.

So, hold on to your seats, you guys. It's going to be action packed from here on out.

Blue proves himself to be super amazing, runs all the way back to the ranch, and deposits a hysterical Lyssa on the ground. The avalanche missed the ranch entirely, detouring into a canyon somewhere, so everyone can be reassured that nothing awful will ever happen to these people ever. Her mom insists she stay home, but Lyssa can't just let Tony and the horse alone and is back out the next morning, with friend Mitch in tow. They find Tony, discover that he has Mystic of all horses, and listen to his story of woe (he is totally not a horse thief you guys...unless you take into account that he took someone's horse off their property without asking and has no intent of bringing it back. It's not stealing if you've got good intentions, right?)

He insists that Mrs. Peters is a fraud, and she sells her superfluous horses to the meat packers when things are getting tight. Lyssa is shocked, because no one has ever known Mrs. Peters to be anything but an animal hoarder, which is totally okay and couldn't possibly go wrong. She and Mitch are both suspicious of Tony's story, so they take Tony and Mystic back to Lyssa's ranch and Lyssa rumbles off in Mitch's truck to check out Mrs. Peters, only to discover that Mrs. Peters is the lady that wanted the puppy from the first chapter.

Le shock! Mrs. Peters only wanted the puppy because it's a purebred with papers and could probably get money for it...hmmmm, yeah. Totally reasonable. And then the meat packers helpfully show up, and Lyssa conveniently discovers that one of the horses with Mrs. Peters was on a stolen horse flier at the feed store. So Lyssa hides a bridle in her Thinsulate, gets it on the stolen horse, and tears out of there bareback as Mrs. Peters (I keep envisioning an old lady, for some reason) jumps in Mitch's truck and chases after them.

Frickin' Lyssa, because she's amazing, loses Mrs. Peters and heads straight for the police station. So then the cops swarm everywhere, take in Tony, Mystic, Mrs. Peters and leave Lyssa wondering why life is horrible. Now Tony will be arrested for stealing a horse and deported to Arizona, where everyone knows jerks come from. It's accepted in Lyssa World as fact. But, of course, that doesn't happen. Don't worry you guys, Tony rides back on Mystic and says he bought her for cheap and he'll fix her feet because not only is he a 19-year-old horse thief with a heart of gold, he is also a budding eventer and an awesome blacksmith who knows "techniques." Also, he's going to stay in Wyoming or Montana or whatever and train with Lyssa and work for her dad and work for his relatives in Billings because he has them. So now Lyssa can blissfully fawn all over his spotty teenage neck scruff all she likes.

Hooray. USET invites for everyone!

FLICKA 3: THE RECKONING

FLICKA 3: THE RECKONING COUNTRY PRIDE
2012

When Toby and Flicka are hired at a stable, Kelly, the owner's teenage daughter, quickly bonds with the wild horse. Despite her mother's disapproval, she hopes to break Flicka for an upcoming competition. However with the competition fast approaching, a dishonest rival trainer, and a growing fear they may be forced to sell the stable, Toby must intervene to save the day. 

IT HAS HAPPENED. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYSSSSS. LOOK AT IT. LOOK.

Okay, wait. Wait. Let's just take a calm, deep breath. So, I wandered up to a Redbox after some solid life drama that I need a vacation from experiencing. Redbox, I said. Entertain me! And what does it give me? It gives me freakin' FLICKA 3: THE RECKONING COUNTRY PRIDE.

And then I stumbled all over myself to rent it. I am the reason movies like this exist. It's something I've come to accept. So, let's talk about it!

As you may have guessed already, Flicka is back. Accept here is the set up: the ranch BURNED DOWN. YOU GUYS. How the hell did this happen? Are Carrie and Hank even alive? What does Katy think of all of this? Did she even take some time off from vet school to help out and give a shit? No, all we are told is that the ranch burned down and Toby (from Flicka 2) sprained his ankle. This is shocking. I...well, anyway. So Toby, for some random reason, decides to get another temporary job as barn manager at Cherry Creek, a local eventing barn where all the kids wear collared shirts under cashmere sweaters while they ride. Oh, and they're rebuilding the ranch so Toby has brought all the ranch horses that didn't, I guess, die. Or something.

Enter Kelly. Kelly's dad died, so now she doesn't jump, but she does...just in secret or something. You know how it is. So she's off jumping this horse that belongs to Stephanie Meyers (really?), her former best friend. But Stephanie is blond, and classically enough Kelly can no longer be friends with her now that hormones have come into play over Briggs McBride, fellow rider who is honestly too pretty to be real. Anyway, Stephanie sees Kelly committing this crime and freaks out, letting her mother go to town on Kelly's mom for allowing this to happen. The horror. Why, oh why.

But then Flicka appears, kicking and screaming like The Black Stallion she so clearly wants to be. She kicks some poor guy in the gut and then rears off a trailer, complete with shot of pretty black horse back lit by the sun. Kelly goes into awe. Flicka stops being a little jerk and moseys up to Kelly and does a face plant into Kelly's hands, because of course.

So Toby gives Kelly permission to ride Flicka, and the two forever bond while Stephanie, Briggs and nameless girl train for some team regional whatever some such event. Only one of their riders is hurt, leaving a hole in the team. By this point, Kelly and Flicka are all over each other, and for whatever reason Kelly decides to trick everyone into watching her ride Flicka for the team by insisting she's a new girl on...a horse that is obviously Flicka? Everyone discovers that it's her in about five seconds, but she's allowed on the team because suddenly Flicka is awesome at jumping. Who knew! That Flicka is remarkably multifaceted. (Actually, she insists on being trained in jumping by poking a jump with her hoof and then jumping three oxers in a row.)

And then there is a dance, and Stephanie gets all pissed that Briggs likes Kelly, so she shoves Kelly into the dessert table and ruins her dress. Then they have a collective meltdown and try to match race over the cross country course to predictable disaster. Stephanie falls off and then has another meltdown in the office, pulling the plug on riding for Cherry Creek just as the trainer of the barn up and leaves for Triumph, taking Stephanie and Nameless Girl with her.

Woe!

But Briggs won't leave, so between he and Kelly they come up with a team last minute and enlist Toby to be their trainer. Toby's like, "whoa, I wear cowboy hats!" But naturally he's a great coach despite not knowing what he's talking about. And then there's a really long eventing sequence wherein Cherry Creek actually comes in second to Triumph and Stephanie.

Did you hear that? The antagonist won. What sort of horse movie is this? My faith in horse stories has been shattered.

However, it doesn't really matter because the brilliance of Kelly and Flicka's show jumping round makes Stephanie see the light and the two apologize to each other and are super best friends again, despite hormones and conflicting hair color.

AND THEN. Because this couldn't get weird enough, Toby leaves Cherry Creek to go back to the ranch, which has been fully rebuilt, and he takes Flicka with him. However, in the meantime he's struck up this romance with Kelly's mom and decides to give Flicka's son, THUNDERHEAD, to Kelly. Because he's "two, and can begin training." Ha! Oh, Toby. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'm pretty sure he doesn't own that horse. I mean, I can't remember who Toby was in Flicka 2, but I'm going to guess his title doesn't allow him the means to hand people horses for no reason.

And seriously, Thunderhead? Why couldn't this have been Thunderhead's movie? Isn't Flicka a little tired by now?

Nevermind. I'm finished here. Except, apparently, Flicka may not be through with us yet. The last lines of the movie are, basically:

Toby (after giving Thunderhead to Kelly): There's going to be more surprises.
Kelly's Mom: What do you mean?

Yes, Toby, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

(Well. All of that said and done, Flicka 3 is better than Flicka 2. Like, it's heads, shoulders, and a good portion of torso better than Flicka 2. Please, everyone let's all pretend Flicka 2 never happened.)

Riding Lessons (Or How to Be an Utterly Unreasonable Bitch)

Riding Lessons
Sara Gruen

As a world-class equestrian and Olympic contender, Annemarie Zimmer lived for the thrill of flight atop a strong, graceful animal. Then, at eighteen, a tragic accident destroyed her riding career and Harry, the beautiful horse she cherished. Now, twenty years later, Annemarie is coming home to her dying father's New Hampshire horse farm. Jobless and abandoned, she is bringing her troubled teenage daughter to this place of pain and memory, where ghosts of an unresolved youth still haunt the fields and stables—and where hope lives in the eyes of the handsome, gentle veterinarian Annemarie loved as a girl . . . and in the seductive allure of a trainer with a magic touch.

But everything will change yet again with one glimpse of a white striped gelding startlingly similar to the one Annemarie lost in another lifetime. And an obsession is born that could shatter her fragile world.

 I am back from my long, horseless reading stint to bring you what is possibly the worst adult equestrian novel I have ever read. It doesn't help that I had pretty high expectations going into this one, as I loved Water for Elephants.


Annemarie is the most unlikeable character I have met in a long, long time. She makes me itch to slap her silly. She is selfish and so self-absorbed it is no wonder her daughter hates her and her husband left her. Just saying.


As for the plot... well most it revolves around Annemarie's need to prove a horse her old flame rescues is fully related to Harry, who died in the accident years back that put an end to her competitive career. She becomes totally and uncompromisingly obsessed with this horse that she allows her family's business to fall into disarray.


I wanted to see her grow as a character and realize that her accident and loss is not an excuse to be a crazy bitch. This does not happen. I was just as annoyed with her at the end of the novel as I was at the beginning.


The reviews quoted on the cover suggest that this book at least as some romance to it. Maybe something would have developed beyond what it actually contained if Annemarie could get past herself and her needs and her, her, her, her. This is not a romance novel, people. I would rather throw The Horse Whisperer at you if that is what you are after. A Dan Brown novel contains more feelings and affection.


There is this one scene that amused me far more than it should. Annemarie, a total moron in the kitchen, gets it into her head to cook a gourmet meal for the love interest and basically almost burns down his kitchen. Such is level of her arrogance!


Basically, the whole book is batshit crazy. So many bad things happen in the space of a few weeks it is implausible. Not that Annemarie doesn't deserve them. She does. She deserves every single bad thing to come her way and then some.


And there you have it. I hated this book so hard.

Just don't think. It's easier that way. TB#55: Great Expectations.

Great Expectations
Thoroughbred #55
by Karle Dickerson

Can Parker live up to the challenge?

Parker Townsend couldn't be more excited as he sets off for England to train for the Olympics, taking with him two headstrong horses and some very high hopes. At first he's thrilled to see the beautiful country estate where he'll be staying. But it's not too long before he discovers that the English do things very differently from what he's used to. Since he's a guest, he has to listen to whatever his trainers say, no matter how much he disagrees with them. Although Parker worries that this could jeopardize his Olympic dream, he's determined to find a way to prove to everyone, including himself, that he and his horses are Olympic caliber after all.

Maybe it's just me, but I fully expect that horse to do a face plant into the ground as soon as its hind legs ram into that jump. How it got to the jump in the first place with those front hooves is also very mysterious. They look like they were fashioned out of Play-Doh. Also, I'm sure someone with far more expertise can tell me what is going on with that bridle, but it looks odd to me. The drop noseband and the bit are not jiving visually or logically, along with everything else that is going on here. Perhaps this is just me, but Parker ceases to be cute on this cover. Actually, he is almost a complete duplicate of Wolf from the cover of Cindy's Last Hope. The only differences being Wolf is in a jockey's crouch and wearing a collared shirt and a worried, hopeless stare. The color scheme is duplicated as well, because according to this cover artist all men on book covers should wear tan pants and light green shirts. But whatever. We have a book to discuss.

So for reasons I can't remember, Parker is headed off to England to compete in Burghley. I think this decision was made in the cut chapter of Parker's last book, actually, making Thoroughbred that much more entertaining with its random fits of editing. Everyone at Whisperwood, plus Melanie and Christina (which amounts to like six people, max) surprises Parker with a going away party, during which Parker attempts to amuse people and small children are unimpressed. A little girl tells him to shut up and open his present, while Christina sits in the corner and stares at her fingernails in some state of emotional oblivion. These two, you guys. I don't even know what to do with them. If only they'd had some sort of break up sex scenario in the back of Parker's truck before he left for England.

...I am totally going to believe that is what happened from now on. Anyway! So, fresh from that ordeal, Parker gets on a plane headed for Heathrow and is subjected to the horrors of this blond girl who is messy and loud. Granted, I can feel Parker's pain here because no one wants to be stuck in a tube for over seven hours with someone who will not shut up about pointless shit you don't care about, especially when they start chastising you for not using proper British sayings. It is the WC in England, thank you. You Americans and your bathrooms. Go back to the colonies, yank!

Seriously, I would like to say that there isn't a lot of pointless chatter about British slang, but there is and it can't be helped. Upon arriving in England, Parker acts like he's shocked that England is its own country apart from the United States. They drive on the left hand side of the road! They say loo and cheerio all the time. Gasp! They have their own currency and their vending machines only take that currency. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO.

Okay, look. I know there are stupid people in this world. People try to pay with foreign money way more than we logical people know, I'm sure. Hell, the turnpike in Ohio is all with the "Only US Currency" signs plastered all over, suggesting that more than a few people try to throw Canadian coins at the tollbooth workers. But the thing here is that Parker kinda sorta definitely lived in England for most of his formative years. And he's shocked that the cars are driving on "the wrong side" of the road. And that sentence even came with an exclamation point. Let's all feel smug and/or visualize smacking Parker right across the face. It's okay. He deserves it.

So, upon arriving in London, Parker is lured into helping blond girl find her errant passport and his ride presumes he died in flight and abandons him. So Parker tries to scrounge up a cab that will leave the greater London area, of which only one will deign to honor Parker's request. Somehow they pass by Big Ben on their way from the airport to the country, which is quite a mighty detour. It's like twenty miles from Heathrow to Big Ben. Anyway, so Parker meets up with the Chillinghams, who are hosting Parker as a favor to Lavinia. Don't worry, you guys. The Chillinghams are super sweet and way nicer than Lavinia, which Parker goes on and on about because he hates his parents with an intense passion that honestly worries me. Down at the barn, Parker instantly starts acting like a complete ass hat the second someone talks to him, because he is an insecure goob who can't talk to others like a normal person. No, not Parker. Everyone is trying to find fault in him immediately and no one will ever give him a chance to blah blah blah.

Basically, the whole book is Parker acting like an arrogant twat and people giving him the side eye, which only enrages him into acting more like an arrogant twat. Then some kids talk bad about him behind his back and that's the beginning of the end for Parker and England. Or so we'd all like to think.

So, his lessons go horribly because, well, Parker is an arrogant twat. I mean, really, what were we all expecting? Then he falls a lot and people point and laugh. And Parker won't listen to anyone's advice, naturally, because Parker is a non-listener of advice. It is like his chosen profession. So Dalton, guy who was going to help Parker in England before deciding that Parker's attitude isn't worth it, runs off to a clinic after saying Parker should enter Merebrook, a tiny competition to get his feet wet.

Bah. A tiny competition you say? Parker is better than that! Or whatever. I don't even know anymore. But he goes and he insists on taking Ozzie with him and then he's like why am I such an idiot? Ozzie can't even jump things, much less act stable for five seconds. This is the horse that spends a whole chapter gallivanting around England by himself. Good going, Parker.

Oh, yeah, and the blond girl is Fiona, the Chillingham's granddaughter, who is now staying with them. Parker is sure that she is out to ruin his life. Also, the maid doesn't like him. And the assistant trainer doesn't like him. And the kids think he's stupid and fake. It's SPLENDID.

At Merebrook, it turns out that everyone on the face of the earth is there. And then Foxy steps in a badger hole and is scratched, leaving Parker with Ozzie the Unstable. After a gloriously horrible dressage test (but that's always a throwaway event, apparently, because no one likes dressage), Parker says SCREW THIS and decides that after this event they will leave England with its bangers and mash and coin currency. COIN DOLLARS ARE STUPID, says Parker. He is OUT. But he decides to just have fun during cross country, and miraculously this is the key. Moment of enlightenment achieved! Parker can now progress on to the next round.

Show jumping also goes well, and by some miracle Parker wins the show. Only during all of this he runs into Alexander the Grape, an old school friend with a fondness for sweets, who tells him he's an arrogant twat and he has always been an arrogant twat. Also? So was Dalton! That's why the two never get along, or something. And then the assistant trainer calls Parker an arrogant twat, and Parker agrees. Then Parker tells Dalton what an arrogant twat he is, and Dalton accepts Parker's self-realization and decides to train him.

I am not sure how winning the show caused Parker to realize that he's an insecure moron with an arrogant streak, but it did. Now we can move on to other things, like oddities.

• Great Expectations. Is this like satire? Just what the hell is this?
• Parker cannot do math. At least, he can't convert inches into centimeters, which would be a sad day for the American educational system if he hadn't been taught in English private school. 
• At one point, Parker hears someone speaking French and German during his walk around the course at Merebrook and later someone says that lots of international competition will be there this year. It's only then that he realizes, ah, those must have been international riders. OH. YOU THINK?

That's really it this time. I was just pretty astonished by Parker's massive display of stupidity in this installment. How he even clothes himself in the morning is anyone's guess.

Next: Lyssa. All glorious 172 pages of her.

Racing Into Trouble

Racing Into Trouble
Book 2: Timber Ridge Riders
by Maggie Dana
2012

Ever since Kate McGregor arrived at Timber Ridge Stables, Angela Dean has been making trouble for her. Maybe she’s angry because Kate’s a better rider than she is, or maybe she’s jealous because Kate’s the only one who’s allowed to ride Buccaneer, the barn’s willful new horse. To further complicate matters, a new girl — Jennifer West — moves into the neighborhood and Angela sets out to impress her. But when Angela makes a fool of herself in front of Jennifer, things begin to go wrong and Kate gets the blame. Is Angela behind the trouble? Kate and her best friend, Holly Chapman who’s learning to walk and ride again, can’t be sure. But they do know one thing. If Angela’s on the warpath, Kate is heading for trouble, and fast.

Volume two shakes things up pretty dramatically in Timber Ridge Riders, which begins with a couple of new additions: the extra excitable Buccaneer and the newest rider at the barn, Jennifer. The resident antagonist, Angela, has high hopes that she will commandeer both Buccaneer and Jennifer for herself, but it's pretty clear from the get go that both Buccaneer and Jennifer are way out of Angela's league. Angela can only handle well-trained, push-button horses, which Buccaneer is definitely not, and Jennifer appears to be polite and has spiky hair and a nose piercing. Le gasp! Who is this magical girl who seems to have some sort of personal style that is not normally defined as "grubby" and dares to ride horses? And why can't there be more of them in horse books?

So anyway. Liz, Holly's mom and resident adult, determines that only she will ride and train Buccaneer, but when she sprains her ankle Kate steps up to pick up all the extra chores around the barn. Naturally, Kate and Buccaneer hit it off over a roll of minty Life Savers and Liz hesitantly gives her the go ahead to exercise him. Magician, awesome horse from the previous book, is probably wondering why no one loves him anymore. Poor guy. Kate romps around on Buccaneer, only to be seen by Angela and, in an odd turn of events, winds up accidentally allowing Angela to go careening off on the horse. This ends in disaster, and since Angela is not to be shamed for the stupidity she gets herself into, people are going to pay. People being, well, mainly Kate.

And so begins the truly awe inspiring campaign to drive Kate completely insane. Antagonists everywhere could learn at the feet of Angela, because she is something to behold. Granted, some of her actions are based on pure chance, but the girl knows how to capitalize. And because Holly and Kate are too afraid to tell Liz what is going on for fear that Angela's mom will fire her and kick them all out of Timber Ridge for being competent, Angela's campaign is a smashing success. Everyone loses faith in Kate, who is eventually fired and forced to garden for the rest of the summer. (Ha! I'm kidding...or am I? Dun dun dun.)

Seriously. It was like watching a plane crash in slow motion. It just keeps tumbling to the ground and you keep expecting it to pull up and it just...doesn't. It hits the ground. Angela is officially the horsey main character slayer. Long live Angela! (No, not really. I don't like horse book antagonists that much. I just wish Brad Townsend had been this effective. I would have laughed and laughed...but that's besides the point.)

Anyhoo, the other major development is Holly's walking ability. She's been battling through two books to get over her hysterical paralysis, determined to one day ride Magician again. For some reason, no one takes this girl to a therapist, but that's neither here nor there. We're just waiting for her to climb out of her wheelchair and insert herself in the sort of romance that may or may not be budding between Kate and Adam. Love triangle of doom is on, you guys. Prepare yourselves!

We end the book by officially declaring that no one likes Angela. No wonder she acts out all the time.

All said, this is a solid middle grade. The horse crazy tweens will lap it up, and that's okay by me because I'm again charmed by the fact that none of the main characters irritate me. There is crop usage (and visualizing smacking people in the face with the crop, so all is not perfect in main character land). And none of the horses act like special flowers waiting to apply themselves after the appropriate dosage of love and a well-timed, long winded speech. It's appreciated. Thanks Maggie Dana! I'll be on the look out for book three.

To get your own copy of Racing Into Trouble, head on over to Amazon or B&N. It's available in print, as well as being Kindle and Nook friendly!

Thoroughbred: Cindy's Last Words (or Hope, I guess.)

Cindy's Last Hope
by Mary Anderson

Will Cindy have to scratch Gratis? for insane reasons we don't even bring up in this summary?

Cindy McLean and her totally platonic, sarcasm-using partner, Ben al-Rihani, can't find a jockey professional enough to ride Gratis for two minutes on a training track in the Kentucky Derby. The only person besides Christina Cindy who can handle the difficult horse is a persistently annoying stubborn and inexperienced groom/secretary/exercise rider groom named Wolf, whom Cindy wants to punch in the face. But Cindy ironically doesn't like Wolf's attitude, and refuses to give him a chance instead of firing him for being insubordinate. Besides, he doesn't even have his jockey's license yet. (Hahahaha!)

Cindy wants to ride Gratis herself probably bareback and alone, like every other time, risking irreparable damage to her already injured shoulder. Ben won't allow it. But stubborn Cindy is hard to stop. Will someone come to our her rescue before it's too late?

There, fixed!

Now to the cover. My feelings about this one have always been somewhere between sighing deeply and confusion. For one thing, the main character of the story isn't even looking at us. Is this because she's 32, and therefore horribly old, her decrepit appearance unsuitable for a book cover meant for tweens? Or is it because the cover artist decided to be really faithful to the book, wherein Cindy stands around staring at things a lot? If so, why couldn't they have taken this scene from another angle? An angle where we can see Cindy's horrifying thirty-something face? Other thoughts: Gratis looks like a carousel horse. I'm not even sure if that pose is found within any natural stride. The neck on that poor creature astonishes me as well. Also, everything about what I assume is Wolf on that cover amuses me. He looks like he's completely forgotten something important, like how to ride the devil horse underneath him which currently looks asleep. And finally, Cindy's hair. What mysteries does it possess?

So this book is yet another pre-Derby book in the span of volumes that overlap each other in a tangled mess that is hopeless to understand. It is maybe a week or two or five or eleven billion away from the Derby, but the Derby is right on top of us and will be here any second! Or maybe not. Maybe we have time for a race or two or five or...you get the idea. We even have time to drag in a few extra ridiculous books about Parker and Lyssa, because why the hell not? 

We begin this book with Cindy staring at Champion, asking Ben if he's ever seen such astonishing beauty. Ben replies that of course he has, because he's looking at Cindy. Cindy has never looked more "radiant." Because they're both mentally eleven, blushing commences and they have to talk about that time when Cindy and Champion lived in Dubai and how they "belong" in Kentucky. But with all this small talk and blushing, they've totally forgotten about Gratis and his upcoming jockey try out. Which is about to start...with no one present at the track at all besides the horse and maybe Wolf, this kid we'll get to in a second.

So Cindy and Ben speed over to the track, just in time for Gratis's groom to quit in a huff because he's been bitten one too many times. The nerve of that animal! So then Gratis goes and dumps his new potential jockey, who also storms off in a huff. Then, like the equestrian miracle she is, Ashleigh descends on Tall Oaks with her proteges Christina and Melanie to tell Wolf that he can't race yet, for he has no experience. Everyone agrees, despite all of their collective history muttering in the background that they are all horrible hypocrites with the memory of goldfish. 

Wolf is the new kid at Tall Oaks, along with Beckie, the Australian groom. That brings the total of employees at Tall Oaks up to exactly five, if you count Ben. And I suppose we have to count him, since he owns a truck instead of a "European sports car," which means he is less "rich owner" and more "I haul heavy things and sometimes work with my hands." So we'll count him. Wolf has a way with Gratis, but because Cindy is harboring dreams that her wrecked shoulder will magically be okay to race ride again, she's hesitant about doing the obvious thing and get the kid a jockey license. Wolf is arrogant! And persistent! And annoying! And inexperienced! I hope we all see the writing on the wall.

So then Brad pops up to tell Ben that it turns out he doesn't think Champion was ever legally sold, beginning the most ridiculous scheme Thoroughbred has ever tried to force onto Brad. And, naturally, Brad almost succeeds because these people are morons. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Upon hearing this news, Cindy immediately dashes for Champion's paddock in a panic, convinced that Brad has already used his supernatural powers to spirit Champion to Townsend Acres. As it happens, Brad shows up to wave papers around in Ben's face, but gets distracted by Gratis and starts to mumble about Affirmed and Alydar, both being in the colt's pedigree. So he informs Ben that he can either take Champion, or Tall Oaks can drop out of the Kentucky Derby.

This is pretty insane, actually. Since Gratis hasn't exactly done anything (you know, at all) there's no real threat to Celtic Mist at Tall Oaks. I'm going to assume that Brad does these things just to mess with everyone around him. Maybe he's just bored. But what really gets me is that everyone totally falls for it. They actually think that they might have to give in to this craziness, which is only possible because Clay is off in Europe and can't be reached by phone, e-mail, snail mail, fax, telegram, smoke signals, or carrier pigeon. Also, Ben's dad is apparently at death's door, or is old and ill and no one wants to disturb him or whatever. So Ben starts to think that yes, maybe they will have to scratch Gratis, because Brad might be right, and while they're trying to prove whether or not Brad is right...they're just going to let him do whatever he wants? What? The hell?

So now Cindy is really panicking. She wants desperately to ride Gratis, but her doctor won't let her. Even Ben's thoughtful reminiscing about those grand, emotionally turbulent days in Dubai cannot calm Cindy. So Ben decides to go buy some "desert horses." Ahem, I mean Arabians, with which they can trail ride around on the farm to cheer up Cindy, who only takes it as an opportunity to go dashing off and nearly giving Ben a heart attack. But Arabians are harmless! What possible trouble could she get into?

Then there are like five chapters saying the same thing. Cindy angsts, jockeys don't work out for Gratis, Brad and his lawyer threaten to take Champion away after they discover that Tall Oaks probably won't run Gratis in the Derby anyway, and Ben says over and over that he thinks Brad is going to win this little battle as he scrambles around for a document that says something coherent and sends his operatives to Europe to track down Clay, who is probably holed up in the Alps somewhere.

Eventually Wolf gets bored with everything that's going on around him and makes a comment about how Cindy is a has-been, causing her to flip out and fire him on the spot. Then she stalks over to Gratis and decides that today is the day she will ride him. On the trail. Where he has never been. By herself. Of course! So she does this, and naturally a quail convinces Gratis that the world is ending, and he bolts through the wilderness with a visibly hurt Cindy attempting to stay in the saddle. Then, of course, Wolf rides bareback up to Gratis on one of Ben's "desert horses" and saves the day. And he's still irritating. So Cindy tells him to take her to the hospital as repayment for saving her life.

So, now that Cindy has proven that she cannot ride Thoroughbreds anymore, she is sure that Gratis will not race in the Derby and Brad will sneak off with Champion. But, magically enough, Ben's dad speaks from Dubai and sends the necessary paperwork to prove that the whole sale was legal in the first place. Huzzah! Brad stalks off, plan foiled, probably thinking on the new details of his next dastardly plan as he drives off in his European sports car.

Then Cindy has her come to Jesus moment concerning Wolf, who is still irritating, since Ben has been dropping comments all over about how much he thinks Wolf and Cindy are alike. They are both equally irritating. So she gives in and gets Wolf his gate test, and decides to put Gratis in some unnamed prep race. Possibly the Derby Trial? Or something at Churchill Downs. Whatever. It isn't important. Gratis and Wolf win, and Cindy takes a moment to wave at Brad from the winner's circle before Ben kisses her in the win photo.

Yay. I guess.   

Oddities

"I remember the year you spent at my father's stable." - Yes, Ben, I'm sure Cindy does remember. Were you afraid she'd forgotten again? After having spent twelve years brooding about it?

And then Ben attempts a "joke" that he then "laughs at." Meanwhile, Cindy rolls her eyes.

Ben tells Cindy all about Brad's nefarious "I still own Champion!" declaration and Cindy's first reaction is RUN. Followed by Ben catching up with her and asking her why she ran and Cindy becoming confused and saying..."I panicked?" I can't tell if this is satire...or not? Maybe it's a Joanna Campbell homage?

"Alydar and Affirmed had both raced in the Triple Crown series years earlier." Try decades earlier. Also, this is a completely ridiculous sentence that doesn't even come close to indicating the gravity of Alydar and Affirmed.

As it turns out, Ben did bring back all that tack Cindy bought in Dubai and failed to give it back to her with all her other stuff because it would "remind" Cindy of her unhappiness at the time. Like a diary couldn't have done that, or anything. Not so sharp, Ben. 

Ben's heart can't take surprise anymore. How old is this person? 

"You may be a small Arabian, but you have the spirit of a true Thoroughbred." Stupidest statement of the book award, right here.

 Ben asks Brad's lawyer what Townsend Acres "will do with the stallion" once Brad reclaims Champion. And the lawyer says ominously that this is essentially privileged information, and Ben cannot know what torture Townsend Acres has devised for a Triple Crown winning stallion. I'm sure it will involve lots of horse sex, and maybe a big stall, and a paddock, and more horse sex. Those bastards.

ETA: Ben's dad does give half-interest in Champion to Cindy by the end of the book. Without her knowledge, as if that is possible. Because he has apparently mellowed in his old age, and internet stalked Cindy while she was in New York, and eventually grudgingly admitted that she is kind of okay. 

So, we're almost there, you guys. I have a non-Thoroughbred book to post next, and then we're back to the adventures of Parker and Lyssa. The important thing to realize is that we are officially done with Cindy's point of view. Perhaps we are not done with her stupid decisions, but we at least don't have to hear about them first hand. So there's the slight silver lining to Cindy's Last Hope. I knew it was there somewhere.

Thoroughbred: Derby Fever

Derby Fever
#53
by Mary Anderson

Every so often, a book rolls around that reminds me how stunningly ridiculous stories somehow find their way into print. Thoroughbred as a whole is sort of a good example of this, but that's really too easy. Since the past two books in Thoroughbred are Distance Runner and Perfect Challenge, which are two pretty solid books in terms of not feeling the burning need to kick the main characters in the head, the bar was set quite high for Derby Fever. And it crashed right into that bar, stumbled around drunkenly, and then fell down while everyone stared and mocked it.

This is not a high point for the series, is what I'm saying. But who cares! Let's get right back in the saddle.

Can Ashleigh Help Christina?With the Kentucky Derby only a few weeks away, Christina Reese is stressed out. Star is in top form, but Christina is starting to wonder if the colt might be better off with a more experienced jockey in the saddle. Her mother the trainer, the renowned jockey Ashleigh Griffen, knows Christina is the only rider for Star. But she also knows what her daughter is feeling - she's been there herself.

Flash back to the days of old, when Ashleigh raced Wonder in the Triple Crown. Drawing inspiration from the past, Ashleigh dreams up a plan to calm Christina's nerves and prep her for the most exciting race of her life!

Okay, let's stop right here. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. First, I don't know what that blurb is even trying to say. I just know that it is 95% wrong. Ashleigh does, indeed, come up with "a plan." That is the only thing that is remotely correct about this whole thing. Also, that cover. I am going to be maybe more lenient about this than Monique and Claire during their attempts to explain how this doesn't make sense, because I actually like the composition. It says to me that Melanie and Christina are on the outs (again...oh, yet again). And there's Ashleigh, which would be way more awesome if she wasn't turned away from us. She's a major character, so she gets to be included again. Although she is old, and therefore cannot grace us with her face. It might be too horrifying, despite the fact that she still looks like she's 14. The rest of it, however... Okay, look. Image looks like a gray, Star looks like some horrible mutt bred in someone's backyard, The Rein Situation confuses and dazzles me, and Ashleigh's left hand. What is she trying to indicate? What does it all mean? And, Chris, we will speak later about that outfit. I know this was like ten years ago, but that is no excuse.

Now to the book, which spends about 65% of its time on Christina's invalid complaints and 35% of its time trying to rewrite Samantha's Pride from Ashleigh's perspective. Why is this happening, you may be asking yourself. This is the Thoroughbred attempt at a mea culpa, in which they attempt to convince us all that they aren't just publishing fan fiction. You see, lots of people were annoyed with the reinvention of the series and over the course of the New Generation TPTB tried several methods to get everyone to like them again. Cue Mary. Mary was the knight in shining armor. She wanted to give the fans some assurances that someone was listening to their wants and needs, championed bringing back old characters and forgotten history. And in true Thoroughbred fashion, this is what happens.

Christina is super worried that they are about a month out from the Kentucky Derby and Ashleigh has yet to schedule Star in one last prep race. In fact, Ashleigh refuses to let Star do anything faster than jogging with the occasional trail ride thrown in for variety. Christina insists that the only way to keep Star in his winning ways is to keep racing him every week with breezes every other day, as this is clearly sensible. Ashleigh, showing a backbone and confidence for the first time possibly ever, tells her daughter no. Christina's reaction to this is to sucker punch Ashleigh with a classic "You're a Star-hater. You hate Star!" And then she flounces off, leaving Ashleigh to gaze at all the win photos that clutter her office and ponder why her daughter is such an irrational bitch.

But, you guys, Ashleigh has her reasons! You see, when Wonder's Pride was racing, Ashleigh actually supported racing him too much. Because when horses are pretty and "spirited" they are clearly ready to race in grueling tests of stamina and strength! Only Charlie was there to set her straight, although Ashleigh persisted in this line of thinking and it was too late. Pride wins the Florida Derby and then the Blue Grass by many lengths and Charlie and Samantha are all DAMN IT, except Clay, Brad and Ashleigh are like yay, let's win the Kentucky Derby! But oh, if only Ashleigh had known then what she knows now and how will she ever get her daughter to understand how psychologically traumatizing it all was for her? Ashleigh is just trying to head Christina off at the pass where she overraces her horse, okay?

Meanwhile, Christina has noticed that Star is too hyper to eat his hay. Proof positive he needs to race! So she gets up super early and takes Star out first thing, only to get caught and told in no uncertain terms that there will be no breezes for Star. In fact, Ashleigh is certain that Christina just wants to race regardless of whether it's on Star of not, so she schedules Chris to ride Raven at Turfway. Naturally, Christina is too busy thinking about Star during the race, makes a dumb move with Raven, and causes a giant wreck. But don't worry, you guys! Christina doesn't get suspended for being a moron, and Raven only severs every tendon and ligament in her leg, but isn't put down on the spot. People have to yell No! And Ashleigh has to tearfully admit that she wants to give Raven a chance. So they pack the filly full of sedatives and string her up in the stall, because that's what's better for the horse.

The only upshot here is that Christina admits that she was in the wrong and she'll pay for all of the vet bills, and then she has the nerve to be stunned that her parents agree with her. Ah, gotta love ya, Chris. Only then Ashleigh insists that it's not Christina's fault, she must ride Star, and now let's flash back to the Derby, when Samantha got all pissy that they were even running in the Derby and Ashleigh can't understand what co-ownership means.

But then Melanie comes home, fresh and super excited to be racing in the Derby. Since Melanie loves all black horses, she immediately shuns Christina for essentially killing Raven and "riding into a wreck." Okay, Melanie, you can be angrier than that. Christina caused the wreck! Go for the throat! Anyway, Melanie glares a lot and proceeds with the silent treatment. Because reporters instantly know when something uncomfortable has happened between Chris and Mel, one of them shows up to ask Christina all about her internal feud. Then they dash off to jog Star some more, while Brad drives up to take a look at the competition and cause conflict, because obviously. He drops a few remarks about how glad he was to offload Star, which I bet he is considering the boatload of drama surrounding him at all times, and then drives off, his work here done. Ashleigh flashes back to the time she told Brad that she wasn't going to bring Pride back to Townsend Acres to train (possibly the one moment she didn't give him whatever he wanted and wasn't forced to give up something big and extraneous in return for her refusal, stunningly). Then we have the Preakness, where everyone freaks out when Pride basically can't lift his head anymore. He's so tired! But he's so pretty! And Triple Crown! Ashleigh literally cannot make sense of any of this.

So anyway, because we only do things in the morning at Whitebrook, Christina is sent to Keeneland to pick up tack before school and happens to see Parker and his "new girlfriend" cozying up with the Townsends. Desperate to get out without anyone seeing her slovenly attire, Christina runs off to Tall Oaks so she can see Champion and talk to Cindy, who tells her to listen to Ashleigh and stop being pitiful. Because this is coming from Cindy, I'm having a hard time accepting it, but accept it Chris does and decides that yes, she will mind her mother, although her mother is only going to lead Star down the path to trail horsedom. That will show her!

At some point Melanie gets in a car wreck, probably because she was overwrought thinking about Raven, who, as it turns out, is perfectly fine! She can even have babies, when previously the vets were all predicting certain doom. So, things are sort of better. Only then Ashleigh has another flashback to the Belmont Stakes, which is pretty inconsequential because it stops right after Pride loses the race and we don't get to see Mary's take on Brad's verbal tirade in public. Oh, how magical that would have been! Only then Samantha shows up and says, "Yeah, I never wanted to run Pride in those races. In fact, I would have just let him graze all day every day if it had been up to me because I am this annoying. Listen to me be uppity and condescending!" Then she tells Ashleigh that she's wrong and Christina is right, overracing a horse is definitely okay? Um. I... Wasn't she just saying that no one listened to her about overracing Pride, but because Pride and Star are different horses...it's okay to overrace Star, haver of the Doom Virus? Where Pride had nothing but...sensitive feelings?

I...

So Ashleigh's irked and confounded. How will she tell Christina she was right all along, and how will they get a race into Star before the Derby? Why, they will just stick Star, Image, and Catwink on the track together and force them to duke it out in a speed duel. I guess that will work okay, too. Everyone comes by to watch, except for Samantha and Tor because they are "busy." Image and Star tie during their makeshift race, and then everyone makes uncomfortable statements about how one of them has to win the race and damn it, it's going to be Image/Star/Gratis. It will!

Interesting Points I Sort of Remember:

• I find it exceedingly strange that Samantha's Pride can be twisted in such a way that you've got Ashleigh's character reduced to "Pride is pretty and spirited, which must mean he wants to run." How does that even happen?
• Brad's quote that they lost Pride's Triple Crown thanks to a geriatric trainer and an inexperienced teen is priceless. 
• Ben shows up wearing slacks, and yet no one castigates him for essentially raiding Brad Townsend's closet. Also, I want Cindy to force him into jeans just once.
• The Triple Crown isn't closed to horses born outside America. That is ridiculous. Shut up, Ben.
• Red-gold and red-brown have names! They do! (I wonder if Joanna Campbell's penchant for "red-gold" rubbed off on Mary?)
• In my mind, Raven died. Okay, I said it. She died and Melanie did her Joanna Campbell-esque run off with the car, and then she got into a wreck, and then she broke her arm, and then she couldn't ride Image and then Chris and Star STILL lost the damn Derby. And then Celtic Mist won. He won ALL THE RACES. Hahahahahaha.
• Oh, yeah, Parker's "new girlfriend" is in fact his cousin, product of the unnamed Brad Townsend's Sister. Apparently she's just as anti-Townsend Acres as Parker. That was disappointing.
• Ashleigh's training is pretty shoddy in this book, too. I mean, honestly. You'd think she had PTSD or something.

Okay, that's it. I can't anymore.