Just don't think. It's easier that way. TB#55: Great Expectations.

Great Expectations
Thoroughbred #55
by Karle Dickerson

Can Parker live up to the challenge?

Parker Townsend couldn't be more excited as he sets off for England to train for the Olympics, taking with him two headstrong horses and some very high hopes. At first he's thrilled to see the beautiful country estate where he'll be staying. But it's not too long before he discovers that the English do things very differently from what he's used to. Since he's a guest, he has to listen to whatever his trainers say, no matter how much he disagrees with them. Although Parker worries that this could jeopardize his Olympic dream, he's determined to find a way to prove to everyone, including himself, that he and his horses are Olympic caliber after all.

Maybe it's just me, but I fully expect that horse to do a face plant into the ground as soon as its hind legs ram into that jump. How it got to the jump in the first place with those front hooves is also very mysterious. They look like they were fashioned out of Play-Doh. Also, I'm sure someone with far more expertise can tell me what is going on with that bridle, but it looks odd to me. The drop noseband and the bit are not jiving visually or logically, along with everything else that is going on here. Perhaps this is just me, but Parker ceases to be cute on this cover. Actually, he is almost a complete duplicate of Wolf from the cover of Cindy's Last Hope. The only differences being Wolf is in a jockey's crouch and wearing a collared shirt and a worried, hopeless stare. The color scheme is duplicated as well, because according to this cover artist all men on book covers should wear tan pants and light green shirts. But whatever. We have a book to discuss.

So for reasons I can't remember, Parker is headed off to England to compete in Burghley. I think this decision was made in the cut chapter of Parker's last book, actually, making Thoroughbred that much more entertaining with its random fits of editing. Everyone at Whisperwood, plus Melanie and Christina (which amounts to like six people, max) surprises Parker with a going away party, during which Parker attempts to amuse people and small children are unimpressed. A little girl tells him to shut up and open his present, while Christina sits in the corner and stares at her fingernails in some state of emotional oblivion. These two, you guys. I don't even know what to do with them. If only they'd had some sort of break up sex scenario in the back of Parker's truck before he left for England.

...I am totally going to believe that is what happened from now on. Anyway! So, fresh from that ordeal, Parker gets on a plane headed for Heathrow and is subjected to the horrors of this blond girl who is messy and loud. Granted, I can feel Parker's pain here because no one wants to be stuck in a tube for over seven hours with someone who will not shut up about pointless shit you don't care about, especially when they start chastising you for not using proper British sayings. It is the WC in England, thank you. You Americans and your bathrooms. Go back to the colonies, yank!

Seriously, I would like to say that there isn't a lot of pointless chatter about British slang, but there is and it can't be helped. Upon arriving in England, Parker acts like he's shocked that England is its own country apart from the United States. They drive on the left hand side of the road! They say loo and cheerio all the time. Gasp! They have their own currency and their vending machines only take that currency. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO.

Okay, look. I know there are stupid people in this world. People try to pay with foreign money way more than we logical people know, I'm sure. Hell, the turnpike in Ohio is all with the "Only US Currency" signs plastered all over, suggesting that more than a few people try to throw Canadian coins at the tollbooth workers. But the thing here is that Parker kinda sorta definitely lived in England for most of his formative years. And he's shocked that the cars are driving on "the wrong side" of the road. And that sentence even came with an exclamation point. Let's all feel smug and/or visualize smacking Parker right across the face. It's okay. He deserves it.

So, upon arriving in London, Parker is lured into helping blond girl find her errant passport and his ride presumes he died in flight and abandons him. So Parker tries to scrounge up a cab that will leave the greater London area, of which only one will deign to honor Parker's request. Somehow they pass by Big Ben on their way from the airport to the country, which is quite a mighty detour. It's like twenty miles from Heathrow to Big Ben. Anyway, so Parker meets up with the Chillinghams, who are hosting Parker as a favor to Lavinia. Don't worry, you guys. The Chillinghams are super sweet and way nicer than Lavinia, which Parker goes on and on about because he hates his parents with an intense passion that honestly worries me. Down at the barn, Parker instantly starts acting like a complete ass hat the second someone talks to him, because he is an insecure goob who can't talk to others like a normal person. No, not Parker. Everyone is trying to find fault in him immediately and no one will ever give him a chance to blah blah blah.

Basically, the whole book is Parker acting like an arrogant twat and people giving him the side eye, which only enrages him into acting more like an arrogant twat. Then some kids talk bad about him behind his back and that's the beginning of the end for Parker and England. Or so we'd all like to think.

So, his lessons go horribly because, well, Parker is an arrogant twat. I mean, really, what were we all expecting? Then he falls a lot and people point and laugh. And Parker won't listen to anyone's advice, naturally, because Parker is a non-listener of advice. It is like his chosen profession. So Dalton, guy who was going to help Parker in England before deciding that Parker's attitude isn't worth it, runs off to a clinic after saying Parker should enter Merebrook, a tiny competition to get his feet wet.

Bah. A tiny competition you say? Parker is better than that! Or whatever. I don't even know anymore. But he goes and he insists on taking Ozzie with him and then he's like why am I such an idiot? Ozzie can't even jump things, much less act stable for five seconds. This is the horse that spends a whole chapter gallivanting around England by himself. Good going, Parker.

Oh, yeah, and the blond girl is Fiona, the Chillingham's granddaughter, who is now staying with them. Parker is sure that she is out to ruin his life. Also, the maid doesn't like him. And the assistant trainer doesn't like him. And the kids think he's stupid and fake. It's SPLENDID.

At Merebrook, it turns out that everyone on the face of the earth is there. And then Foxy steps in a badger hole and is scratched, leaving Parker with Ozzie the Unstable. After a gloriously horrible dressage test (but that's always a throwaway event, apparently, because no one likes dressage), Parker says SCREW THIS and decides that after this event they will leave England with its bangers and mash and coin currency. COIN DOLLARS ARE STUPID, says Parker. He is OUT. But he decides to just have fun during cross country, and miraculously this is the key. Moment of enlightenment achieved! Parker can now progress on to the next round.

Show jumping also goes well, and by some miracle Parker wins the show. Only during all of this he runs into Alexander the Grape, an old school friend with a fondness for sweets, who tells him he's an arrogant twat and he has always been an arrogant twat. Also? So was Dalton! That's why the two never get along, or something. And then the assistant trainer calls Parker an arrogant twat, and Parker agrees. Then Parker tells Dalton what an arrogant twat he is, and Dalton accepts Parker's self-realization and decides to train him.

I am not sure how winning the show caused Parker to realize that he's an insecure moron with an arrogant streak, but it did. Now we can move on to other things, like oddities.

• Great Expectations. Is this like satire? Just what the hell is this?
• Parker cannot do math. At least, he can't convert inches into centimeters, which would be a sad day for the American educational system if he hadn't been taught in English private school. 
• At one point, Parker hears someone speaking French and German during his walk around the course at Merebrook and later someone says that lots of international competition will be there this year. It's only then that he realizes, ah, those must have been international riders. OH. YOU THINK?

That's really it this time. I was just pretty astonished by Parker's massive display of stupidity in this installment. How he even clothes himself in the morning is anyone's guess.

Next: Lyssa. All glorious 172 pages of her.

Racing Into Trouble

Racing Into Trouble
Book 2: Timber Ridge Riders
by Maggie Dana
2012

Ever since Kate McGregor arrived at Timber Ridge Stables, Angela Dean has been making trouble for her. Maybe she’s angry because Kate’s a better rider than she is, or maybe she’s jealous because Kate’s the only one who’s allowed to ride Buccaneer, the barn’s willful new horse. To further complicate matters, a new girl — Jennifer West — moves into the neighborhood and Angela sets out to impress her. But when Angela makes a fool of herself in front of Jennifer, things begin to go wrong and Kate gets the blame. Is Angela behind the trouble? Kate and her best friend, Holly Chapman who’s learning to walk and ride again, can’t be sure. But they do know one thing. If Angela’s on the warpath, Kate is heading for trouble, and fast.

Volume two shakes things up pretty dramatically in Timber Ridge Riders, which begins with a couple of new additions: the extra excitable Buccaneer and the newest rider at the barn, Jennifer. The resident antagonist, Angela, has high hopes that she will commandeer both Buccaneer and Jennifer for herself, but it's pretty clear from the get go that both Buccaneer and Jennifer are way out of Angela's league. Angela can only handle well-trained, push-button horses, which Buccaneer is definitely not, and Jennifer appears to be polite and has spiky hair and a nose piercing. Le gasp! Who is this magical girl who seems to have some sort of personal style that is not normally defined as "grubby" and dares to ride horses? And why can't there be more of them in horse books?

So anyway. Liz, Holly's mom and resident adult, determines that only she will ride and train Buccaneer, but when she sprains her ankle Kate steps up to pick up all the extra chores around the barn. Naturally, Kate and Buccaneer hit it off over a roll of minty Life Savers and Liz hesitantly gives her the go ahead to exercise him. Magician, awesome horse from the previous book, is probably wondering why no one loves him anymore. Poor guy. Kate romps around on Buccaneer, only to be seen by Angela and, in an odd turn of events, winds up accidentally allowing Angela to go careening off on the horse. This ends in disaster, and since Angela is not to be shamed for the stupidity she gets herself into, people are going to pay. People being, well, mainly Kate.

And so begins the truly awe inspiring campaign to drive Kate completely insane. Antagonists everywhere could learn at the feet of Angela, because she is something to behold. Granted, some of her actions are based on pure chance, but the girl knows how to capitalize. And because Holly and Kate are too afraid to tell Liz what is going on for fear that Angela's mom will fire her and kick them all out of Timber Ridge for being competent, Angela's campaign is a smashing success. Everyone loses faith in Kate, who is eventually fired and forced to garden for the rest of the summer. (Ha! I'm kidding...or am I? Dun dun dun.)

Seriously. It was like watching a plane crash in slow motion. It just keeps tumbling to the ground and you keep expecting it to pull up and it just...doesn't. It hits the ground. Angela is officially the horsey main character slayer. Long live Angela! (No, not really. I don't like horse book antagonists that much. I just wish Brad Townsend had been this effective. I would have laughed and laughed...but that's besides the point.)

Anyhoo, the other major development is Holly's walking ability. She's been battling through two books to get over her hysterical paralysis, determined to one day ride Magician again. For some reason, no one takes this girl to a therapist, but that's neither here nor there. We're just waiting for her to climb out of her wheelchair and insert herself in the sort of romance that may or may not be budding between Kate and Adam. Love triangle of doom is on, you guys. Prepare yourselves!

We end the book by officially declaring that no one likes Angela. No wonder she acts out all the time.

All said, this is a solid middle grade. The horse crazy tweens will lap it up, and that's okay by me because I'm again charmed by the fact that none of the main characters irritate me. There is crop usage (and visualizing smacking people in the face with the crop, so all is not perfect in main character land). And none of the horses act like special flowers waiting to apply themselves after the appropriate dosage of love and a well-timed, long winded speech. It's appreciated. Thanks Maggie Dana! I'll be on the look out for book three.

To get your own copy of Racing Into Trouble, head on over to Amazon or B&N. It's available in print, as well as being Kindle and Nook friendly!

Thoroughbred: Cindy's Last Words (or Hope, I guess.)

Cindy's Last Hope
by Mary Anderson

Will Cindy have to scratch Gratis? for insane reasons we don't even bring up in this summary?

Cindy McLean and her totally platonic, sarcasm-using partner, Ben al-Rihani, can't find a jockey professional enough to ride Gratis for two minutes on a training track in the Kentucky Derby. The only person besides Christina Cindy who can handle the difficult horse is a persistently annoying stubborn and inexperienced groom/secretary/exercise rider groom named Wolf, whom Cindy wants to punch in the face. But Cindy ironically doesn't like Wolf's attitude, and refuses to give him a chance instead of firing him for being insubordinate. Besides, he doesn't even have his jockey's license yet. (Hahahaha!)

Cindy wants to ride Gratis herself probably bareback and alone, like every other time, risking irreparable damage to her already injured shoulder. Ben won't allow it. But stubborn Cindy is hard to stop. Will someone come to our her rescue before it's too late?

There, fixed!

Now to the cover. My feelings about this one have always been somewhere between sighing deeply and confusion. For one thing, the main character of the story isn't even looking at us. Is this because she's 32, and therefore horribly old, her decrepit appearance unsuitable for a book cover meant for tweens? Or is it because the cover artist decided to be really faithful to the book, wherein Cindy stands around staring at things a lot? If so, why couldn't they have taken this scene from another angle? An angle where we can see Cindy's horrifying thirty-something face? Other thoughts: Gratis looks like a carousel horse. I'm not even sure if that pose is found within any natural stride. The neck on that poor creature astonishes me as well. Also, everything about what I assume is Wolf on that cover amuses me. He looks like he's completely forgotten something important, like how to ride the devil horse underneath him which currently looks asleep. And finally, Cindy's hair. What mysteries does it possess?

So this book is yet another pre-Derby book in the span of volumes that overlap each other in a tangled mess that is hopeless to understand. It is maybe a week or two or five or eleven billion away from the Derby, but the Derby is right on top of us and will be here any second! Or maybe not. Maybe we have time for a race or two or five or...you get the idea. We even have time to drag in a few extra ridiculous books about Parker and Lyssa, because why the hell not? 

We begin this book with Cindy staring at Champion, asking Ben if he's ever seen such astonishing beauty. Ben replies that of course he has, because he's looking at Cindy. Cindy has never looked more "radiant." Because they're both mentally eleven, blushing commences and they have to talk about that time when Cindy and Champion lived in Dubai and how they "belong" in Kentucky. But with all this small talk and blushing, they've totally forgotten about Gratis and his upcoming jockey try out. Which is about to start...with no one present at the track at all besides the horse and maybe Wolf, this kid we'll get to in a second.

So Cindy and Ben speed over to the track, just in time for Gratis's groom to quit in a huff because he's been bitten one too many times. The nerve of that animal! So then Gratis goes and dumps his new potential jockey, who also storms off in a huff. Then, like the equestrian miracle she is, Ashleigh descends on Tall Oaks with her proteges Christina and Melanie to tell Wolf that he can't race yet, for he has no experience. Everyone agrees, despite all of their collective history muttering in the background that they are all horrible hypocrites with the memory of goldfish. 

Wolf is the new kid at Tall Oaks, along with Beckie, the Australian groom. That brings the total of employees at Tall Oaks up to exactly five, if you count Ben. And I suppose we have to count him, since he owns a truck instead of a "European sports car," which means he is less "rich owner" and more "I haul heavy things and sometimes work with my hands." So we'll count him. Wolf has a way with Gratis, but because Cindy is harboring dreams that her wrecked shoulder will magically be okay to race ride again, she's hesitant about doing the obvious thing and get the kid a jockey license. Wolf is arrogant! And persistent! And annoying! And inexperienced! I hope we all see the writing on the wall.

So then Brad pops up to tell Ben that it turns out he doesn't think Champion was ever legally sold, beginning the most ridiculous scheme Thoroughbred has ever tried to force onto Brad. And, naturally, Brad almost succeeds because these people are morons. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Upon hearing this news, Cindy immediately dashes for Champion's paddock in a panic, convinced that Brad has already used his supernatural powers to spirit Champion to Townsend Acres. As it happens, Brad shows up to wave papers around in Ben's face, but gets distracted by Gratis and starts to mumble about Affirmed and Alydar, both being in the colt's pedigree. So he informs Ben that he can either take Champion, or Tall Oaks can drop out of the Kentucky Derby.

This is pretty insane, actually. Since Gratis hasn't exactly done anything (you know, at all) there's no real threat to Celtic Mist at Tall Oaks. I'm going to assume that Brad does these things just to mess with everyone around him. Maybe he's just bored. But what really gets me is that everyone totally falls for it. They actually think that they might have to give in to this craziness, which is only possible because Clay is off in Europe and can't be reached by phone, e-mail, snail mail, fax, telegram, smoke signals, or carrier pigeon. Also, Ben's dad is apparently at death's door, or is old and ill and no one wants to disturb him or whatever. So Ben starts to think that yes, maybe they will have to scratch Gratis, because Brad might be right, and while they're trying to prove whether or not Brad is right...they're just going to let him do whatever he wants? What? The hell?

So now Cindy is really panicking. She wants desperately to ride Gratis, but her doctor won't let her. Even Ben's thoughtful reminiscing about those grand, emotionally turbulent days in Dubai cannot calm Cindy. So Ben decides to go buy some "desert horses." Ahem, I mean Arabians, with which they can trail ride around on the farm to cheer up Cindy, who only takes it as an opportunity to go dashing off and nearly giving Ben a heart attack. But Arabians are harmless! What possible trouble could she get into?

Then there are like five chapters saying the same thing. Cindy angsts, jockeys don't work out for Gratis, Brad and his lawyer threaten to take Champion away after they discover that Tall Oaks probably won't run Gratis in the Derby anyway, and Ben says over and over that he thinks Brad is going to win this little battle as he scrambles around for a document that says something coherent and sends his operatives to Europe to track down Clay, who is probably holed up in the Alps somewhere.

Eventually Wolf gets bored with everything that's going on around him and makes a comment about how Cindy is a has-been, causing her to flip out and fire him on the spot. Then she stalks over to Gratis and decides that today is the day she will ride him. On the trail. Where he has never been. By herself. Of course! So she does this, and naturally a quail convinces Gratis that the world is ending, and he bolts through the wilderness with a visibly hurt Cindy attempting to stay in the saddle. Then, of course, Wolf rides bareback up to Gratis on one of Ben's "desert horses" and saves the day. And he's still irritating. So Cindy tells him to take her to the hospital as repayment for saving her life.

So, now that Cindy has proven that she cannot ride Thoroughbreds anymore, she is sure that Gratis will not race in the Derby and Brad will sneak off with Champion. But, magically enough, Ben's dad speaks from Dubai and sends the necessary paperwork to prove that the whole sale was legal in the first place. Huzzah! Brad stalks off, plan foiled, probably thinking on the new details of his next dastardly plan as he drives off in his European sports car.

Then Cindy has her come to Jesus moment concerning Wolf, who is still irritating, since Ben has been dropping comments all over about how much he thinks Wolf and Cindy are alike. They are both equally irritating. So she gives in and gets Wolf his gate test, and decides to put Gratis in some unnamed prep race. Possibly the Derby Trial? Or something at Churchill Downs. Whatever. It isn't important. Gratis and Wolf win, and Cindy takes a moment to wave at Brad from the winner's circle before Ben kisses her in the win photo.

Yay. I guess.   

Oddities

"I remember the year you spent at my father's stable." - Yes, Ben, I'm sure Cindy does remember. Were you afraid she'd forgotten again? After having spent twelve years brooding about it?

And then Ben attempts a "joke" that he then "laughs at." Meanwhile, Cindy rolls her eyes.

Ben tells Cindy all about Brad's nefarious "I still own Champion!" declaration and Cindy's first reaction is RUN. Followed by Ben catching up with her and asking her why she ran and Cindy becoming confused and saying..."I panicked?" I can't tell if this is satire...or not? Maybe it's a Joanna Campbell homage?

"Alydar and Affirmed had both raced in the Triple Crown series years earlier." Try decades earlier. Also, this is a completely ridiculous sentence that doesn't even come close to indicating the gravity of Alydar and Affirmed.

As it turns out, Ben did bring back all that tack Cindy bought in Dubai and failed to give it back to her with all her other stuff because it would "remind" Cindy of her unhappiness at the time. Like a diary couldn't have done that, or anything. Not so sharp, Ben. 

Ben's heart can't take surprise anymore. How old is this person? 

"You may be a small Arabian, but you have the spirit of a true Thoroughbred." Stupidest statement of the book award, right here.

 Ben asks Brad's lawyer what Townsend Acres "will do with the stallion" once Brad reclaims Champion. And the lawyer says ominously that this is essentially privileged information, and Ben cannot know what torture Townsend Acres has devised for a Triple Crown winning stallion. I'm sure it will involve lots of horse sex, and maybe a big stall, and a paddock, and more horse sex. Those bastards.

ETA: Ben's dad does give half-interest in Champion to Cindy by the end of the book. Without her knowledge, as if that is possible. Because he has apparently mellowed in his old age, and internet stalked Cindy while she was in New York, and eventually grudgingly admitted that she is kind of okay. 

So, we're almost there, you guys. I have a non-Thoroughbred book to post next, and then we're back to the adventures of Parker and Lyssa. The important thing to realize is that we are officially done with Cindy's point of view. Perhaps we are not done with her stupid decisions, but we at least don't have to hear about them first hand. So there's the slight silver lining to Cindy's Last Hope. I knew it was there somewhere.

Thoroughbred: Derby Fever

Derby Fever
#53
by Mary Anderson

Every so often, a book rolls around that reminds me how stunningly ridiculous stories somehow find their way into print. Thoroughbred as a whole is sort of a good example of this, but that's really too easy. Since the past two books in Thoroughbred are Distance Runner and Perfect Challenge, which are two pretty solid books in terms of not feeling the burning need to kick the main characters in the head, the bar was set quite high for Derby Fever. And it crashed right into that bar, stumbled around drunkenly, and then fell down while everyone stared and mocked it.

This is not a high point for the series, is what I'm saying. But who cares! Let's get right back in the saddle.

Can Ashleigh Help Christina?With the Kentucky Derby only a few weeks away, Christina Reese is stressed out. Star is in top form, but Christina is starting to wonder if the colt might be better off with a more experienced jockey in the saddle. Her mother the trainer, the renowned jockey Ashleigh Griffen, knows Christina is the only rider for Star. But she also knows what her daughter is feeling - she's been there herself.

Flash back to the days of old, when Ashleigh raced Wonder in the Triple Crown. Drawing inspiration from the past, Ashleigh dreams up a plan to calm Christina's nerves and prep her for the most exciting race of her life!

Okay, let's stop right here. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. First, I don't know what that blurb is even trying to say. I just know that it is 95% wrong. Ashleigh does, indeed, come up with "a plan." That is the only thing that is remotely correct about this whole thing. Also, that cover. I am going to be maybe more lenient about this than Monique and Claire during their attempts to explain how this doesn't make sense, because I actually like the composition. It says to me that Melanie and Christina are on the outs (again...oh, yet again). And there's Ashleigh, which would be way more awesome if she wasn't turned away from us. She's a major character, so she gets to be included again. Although she is old, and therefore cannot grace us with her face. It might be too horrifying, despite the fact that she still looks like she's 14. The rest of it, however... Okay, look. Image looks like a gray, Star looks like some horrible mutt bred in someone's backyard, The Rein Situation confuses and dazzles me, and Ashleigh's left hand. What is she trying to indicate? What does it all mean? And, Chris, we will speak later about that outfit. I know this was like ten years ago, but that is no excuse.

Now to the book, which spends about 65% of its time on Christina's invalid complaints and 35% of its time trying to rewrite Samantha's Pride from Ashleigh's perspective. Why is this happening, you may be asking yourself. This is the Thoroughbred attempt at a mea culpa, in which they attempt to convince us all that they aren't just publishing fan fiction. You see, lots of people were annoyed with the reinvention of the series and over the course of the New Generation TPTB tried several methods to get everyone to like them again. Cue Mary. Mary was the knight in shining armor. She wanted to give the fans some assurances that someone was listening to their wants and needs, championed bringing back old characters and forgotten history. And in true Thoroughbred fashion, this is what happens.

Christina is super worried that they are about a month out from the Kentucky Derby and Ashleigh has yet to schedule Star in one last prep race. In fact, Ashleigh refuses to let Star do anything faster than jogging with the occasional trail ride thrown in for variety. Christina insists that the only way to keep Star in his winning ways is to keep racing him every week with breezes every other day, as this is clearly sensible. Ashleigh, showing a backbone and confidence for the first time possibly ever, tells her daughter no. Christina's reaction to this is to sucker punch Ashleigh with a classic "You're a Star-hater. You hate Star!" And then she flounces off, leaving Ashleigh to gaze at all the win photos that clutter her office and ponder why her daughter is such an irrational bitch.

But, you guys, Ashleigh has her reasons! You see, when Wonder's Pride was racing, Ashleigh actually supported racing him too much. Because when horses are pretty and "spirited" they are clearly ready to race in grueling tests of stamina and strength! Only Charlie was there to set her straight, although Ashleigh persisted in this line of thinking and it was too late. Pride wins the Florida Derby and then the Blue Grass by many lengths and Charlie and Samantha are all DAMN IT, except Clay, Brad and Ashleigh are like yay, let's win the Kentucky Derby! But oh, if only Ashleigh had known then what she knows now and how will she ever get her daughter to understand how psychologically traumatizing it all was for her? Ashleigh is just trying to head Christina off at the pass where she overraces her horse, okay?

Meanwhile, Christina has noticed that Star is too hyper to eat his hay. Proof positive he needs to race! So she gets up super early and takes Star out first thing, only to get caught and told in no uncertain terms that there will be no breezes for Star. In fact, Ashleigh is certain that Christina just wants to race regardless of whether it's on Star of not, so she schedules Chris to ride Raven at Turfway. Naturally, Christina is too busy thinking about Star during the race, makes a dumb move with Raven, and causes a giant wreck. But don't worry, you guys! Christina doesn't get suspended for being a moron, and Raven only severs every tendon and ligament in her leg, but isn't put down on the spot. People have to yell No! And Ashleigh has to tearfully admit that she wants to give Raven a chance. So they pack the filly full of sedatives and string her up in the stall, because that's what's better for the horse.

The only upshot here is that Christina admits that she was in the wrong and she'll pay for all of the vet bills, and then she has the nerve to be stunned that her parents agree with her. Ah, gotta love ya, Chris. Only then Ashleigh insists that it's not Christina's fault, she must ride Star, and now let's flash back to the Derby, when Samantha got all pissy that they were even running in the Derby and Ashleigh can't understand what co-ownership means.

But then Melanie comes home, fresh and super excited to be racing in the Derby. Since Melanie loves all black horses, she immediately shuns Christina for essentially killing Raven and "riding into a wreck." Okay, Melanie, you can be angrier than that. Christina caused the wreck! Go for the throat! Anyway, Melanie glares a lot and proceeds with the silent treatment. Because reporters instantly know when something uncomfortable has happened between Chris and Mel, one of them shows up to ask Christina all about her internal feud. Then they dash off to jog Star some more, while Brad drives up to take a look at the competition and cause conflict, because obviously. He drops a few remarks about how glad he was to offload Star, which I bet he is considering the boatload of drama surrounding him at all times, and then drives off, his work here done. Ashleigh flashes back to the time she told Brad that she wasn't going to bring Pride back to Townsend Acres to train (possibly the one moment she didn't give him whatever he wanted and wasn't forced to give up something big and extraneous in return for her refusal, stunningly). Then we have the Preakness, where everyone freaks out when Pride basically can't lift his head anymore. He's so tired! But he's so pretty! And Triple Crown! Ashleigh literally cannot make sense of any of this.

So anyway, because we only do things in the morning at Whitebrook, Christina is sent to Keeneland to pick up tack before school and happens to see Parker and his "new girlfriend" cozying up with the Townsends. Desperate to get out without anyone seeing her slovenly attire, Christina runs off to Tall Oaks so she can see Champion and talk to Cindy, who tells her to listen to Ashleigh and stop being pitiful. Because this is coming from Cindy, I'm having a hard time accepting it, but accept it Chris does and decides that yes, she will mind her mother, although her mother is only going to lead Star down the path to trail horsedom. That will show her!

At some point Melanie gets in a car wreck, probably because she was overwrought thinking about Raven, who, as it turns out, is perfectly fine! She can even have babies, when previously the vets were all predicting certain doom. So, things are sort of better. Only then Ashleigh has another flashback to the Belmont Stakes, which is pretty inconsequential because it stops right after Pride loses the race and we don't get to see Mary's take on Brad's verbal tirade in public. Oh, how magical that would have been! Only then Samantha shows up and says, "Yeah, I never wanted to run Pride in those races. In fact, I would have just let him graze all day every day if it had been up to me because I am this annoying. Listen to me be uppity and condescending!" Then she tells Ashleigh that she's wrong and Christina is right, overracing a horse is definitely okay? Um. I... Wasn't she just saying that no one listened to her about overracing Pride, but because Pride and Star are different horses...it's okay to overrace Star, haver of the Doom Virus? Where Pride had nothing but...sensitive feelings?

I...

So Ashleigh's irked and confounded. How will she tell Christina she was right all along, and how will they get a race into Star before the Derby? Why, they will just stick Star, Image, and Catwink on the track together and force them to duke it out in a speed duel. I guess that will work okay, too. Everyone comes by to watch, except for Samantha and Tor because they are "busy." Image and Star tie during their makeshift race, and then everyone makes uncomfortable statements about how one of them has to win the race and damn it, it's going to be Image/Star/Gratis. It will!

Interesting Points I Sort of Remember:

• I find it exceedingly strange that Samantha's Pride can be twisted in such a way that you've got Ashleigh's character reduced to "Pride is pretty and spirited, which must mean he wants to run." How does that even happen?
• Brad's quote that they lost Pride's Triple Crown thanks to a geriatric trainer and an inexperienced teen is priceless. 
• Ben shows up wearing slacks, and yet no one castigates him for essentially raiding Brad Townsend's closet. Also, I want Cindy to force him into jeans just once.
• The Triple Crown isn't closed to horses born outside America. That is ridiculous. Shut up, Ben.
• Red-gold and red-brown have names! They do! (I wonder if Joanna Campbell's penchant for "red-gold" rubbed off on Mary?)
• In my mind, Raven died. Okay, I said it. She died and Melanie did her Joanna Campbell-esque run off with the car, and then she got into a wreck, and then she broke her arm, and then she couldn't ride Image and then Chris and Star STILL lost the damn Derby. And then Celtic Mist won. He won ALL THE RACES. Hahahahahaha.
• Oh, yeah, Parker's "new girlfriend" is in fact his cousin, product of the unnamed Brad Townsend's Sister. Apparently she's just as anti-Townsend Acres as Parker. That was disappointing.
• Ashleigh's training is pretty shoddy in this book, too. I mean, honestly. You'd think she had PTSD or something.

Okay, that's it. I can't anymore.

Cancelled

I wasn't really that interested in watching more of Luck after the first two episodes, but it looks like HBO is making up my mind for me because it's been cancelled.

Although it wasn't axed because it wasn't any good...supposedly. It's because Luck just couldn't stop killing racehorses. The third died recently, and HBO didn't wait for anyone to complete anything resembling an investigation. It just pulled the plug. Which might be an indication that they regret giving it a second season anyway, or maybe they just don't like being connected to horse deaths.

Either way, Luck is gone. Oddly, I'm more inclined to watch it now that I know there's a very limited amount of episodes to view.

But when I think back on the episodes I did see...eh, probably not.

Perfect Challenge, or today we confirm that Florida is totally insane.

Perfect Challenge
Thoroughbred #52
by Alice Leonhardt

Melanie Graham knows Image is Triple Crown material. The problem is, the filly is too smart for her own good. She's difficult to train, hates to be stabled indoors, and fights with other horses. But if Melanie is going to run Image in the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont, the filly is going to have to get over herself.

For practice, Melanie takes Image to Florida to run in an easy fillies-only race. But when Melanie gets to the track, she discovers that her father has entered Image in the prestigious Florida Derby instead. He badly needs the purse money to save his failing business and he truly believes Image can win. Melanie is doubtful. Will Image rise to the challenge?

I'm kind of loving that this blurb automatically assumes that Melanie has been dead set on pointing Image toward the Triple Crown since day one. In fact, I've got to hand it to Melanie (for a change): Image was only ever the filly that didn't want to race, but had potential to possibly race well one day, and Melanie had the presence of mind to at least know that much. Image was never Super OMG Wonder Filly with fifteen exclamation points. It was only the casual change in plans brought to us by Melanie's dad and then Jazz that turned Image into Super OMG Wonder Filly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's fifteen exclamation points typed out. It's frightening, isn't it? Yes, I know it is. You have Mel's dad and Jazz to thank for that. Not Melanie, for a change. No sirree. 

Also, let's examine this book cover. It's atrocious, for one thing. The bit is sliding right through that bay's mouth, mainly because his jockey is exerting a lot of effort to punch Melanie in the face with his crop hand. Melanie has been captured in that "ooooh, shit" moment, right before she's about to get clocked in the head. Image, for whatever reason, is wearing a ginormous breastplate I am sure has never seen a racetrack ever in the history of time. Also, both horses look like tired plow ponies plodding into a headwind. In fact, Image looks like she's in the middle of stumbling over her own feet. This is kind of inspired by a fleeting moment in the book that I think someone took out of context or greatly exaggerated, but I guess of all the moments someone could have chosen to draw for this cover, I suppose it will do.

Anyway! So in the last book, Christina was training Star in California. The events in that book actually occur after the events of this book, since Melanie actually went to Florida when Christina was left at Whitebrook during Rising Star and was back in Kentucky by the events of Distance Runner. Melanie actually calls home to talk to Christina, who is mentioned as having Parker problems, which actually were mainly resolved during Distance Runner when they broke up. To make chronological sense, this book should have happened right after Rising Star, but for whatever reason...didn't.


We start out Perfect Challenge with Melanie and Joe stubbornly hauling a very petulant Image to Florida via van. There is screaming, destruction of property, and lots of blood along the way. I love how everyone's first thought concerning an animal who can't handle being contained in small spaces for more than thirty minutes and was banned from a relatively small time track in their backyard is to put it on a truck and haul it to another state to try racing it at a bigger track against better competition. Of course! Naturally this is the best option for everyone! Only when they finally get to Florida, they are immediately turned away at the gate of the farm they were supposed to board at due to strangles. So Image finds herself all cooped up at Gulfstream instead and Melanie is literally on the verge of a mental breakdown. Again.


But Image must race in the Bonnie Miss, since she won some race at that other track and now has to "prove herself" against better horses elsewhere for some reason. Melanie just wants to take this day to day, but her dad and Jazz collectively wear the pants in this relationship and she knows it. So Melanie is being a good employee, only she puts on the brakes severely when her dad says, "Oh, by the way, we're racing in the Florida Derby instead and it's kind of a week from now. Hooray?"


Melanie isn't feeling it. She decides that under no circumstances is Image ready to race a mile and an eighth against colts, and I'm all "Good for you! Logic has its uses, right?" But then Will puts on his puppy dog face and whines that his business is failing due to his unprecedented and horrible decisions. (Tip: Never, ever, support a band called Bugg Spray. The name should have been his first clue that the band members were unmanageable druggies. Not that being an unmanageable druggie has ever really been a bad thing in the music industry...but I digress.)


So Melanie is won over by her dad's plight and decides that hell, yes, she's totally running Image in the Florida Derby. Even despite Alexis, evil lady who once managed Tall Oaks, who's back with a Derby entrant called Speed.com who is owned by the fictional Bill Gates. I am about 100% positive you can't name a horse Speed.com, since it looks so incredibly stupid when I write it in a sentence. Speed Dot Com, sure. But I don't make the rules here, obviously.


Anyhoodle, Melanie decides to breeze Image to make sure she's good and tired and will therefore feel less inclined to terrorize everyone in her path. This ends disastrously, with Melanie falling off and Image taking a solo cruise around the track. Had Cindy been there, I'm sure she would have insisted Melanie be banned from American racing for life. But Mary Anderson isn't writing this book, so thankfully Melanie and Image get another chance. Only to blow it later when Image somehow gets loose (possibly due to Alexis, but Melanie cannot prove it so she suffers in silence) and decides to flirt with another Florida Derby entrant without a chaperone. That Image, she's such a harlot.


Being proactive for once, Melanie decides not to let the racing commission make a show of kicking her out of the track and trailers Image to Pine Haven, a rundown farm consisting of a pony called Baby and Jazz's band, Pegasus. Now Melanie is forced to divide her time between attempting to enjoy Jazz's band (and not degenerate into a self-conscious mess at the sight of Kristi, the bikini-clad wife of Pegasus's drummer, Nuke...I do not make up these names, you guys, I don't) and keeping an eye on Image. You see, guys, to listen to Jazz's band would be to have fun, which is a grave sin, because when one has fun something inexplicably horrible always happens. Like someone will take Baby to a birthday party and upset Image's delicate mental state. Or a teenaged, tube-top clad girl will get stuck in a tack room somehow. The point is, bad things happen. It's just better for everyone if Melanie puts away her black one-piece swimsuit she was so ashamed of anyway and camps out in Image's pasture, okay? Why can't we understand? It's best for everyone!

But despite all of Melanie's attempts to keep Image's life orderly and secluded, reporters find her anyway and descend upon her like a pack of starving, carnivorous squirrels. During her second attempt to work Image on the track, Melanie is peppered with idiotic questions by a school bus sized hoard while Alexis yells profanity-laced (I imagine, anyway) accusations about how Melanie has only entered Image into the Florida Derby to detract from Speed.com because Melanie has a vendetta against her. There are even hecklers. Hecklers! You know, I try to imagine this in my head and I just can't. Heckling at a racetrack has always included a good amount of alcohol, in my experience. This was a morning work. 


My only conclusion is that people in Florida must be downright crazy. But wait, it gets better!


On their way to the track for the Florida Derby, a pack of reporters is waiting, Mad Max style, to swoop in behind Image's trailer en route to the racetrack. And then, to really punctuate the unrelenting hospitality of Floridians, someone throws beer bottles at the truck and screams at them to take their horse back to Kentucky. Florida doesn't want Image. Florida never asked for some uppity girl horse thinking she's better than all the boys, okay? So the windshield shatters (although I'm suspicious that this is possible) and Melanie is screaming and all hell breaks loose. Only one of those Mad Max reporters decides to disengage from the pack and help them out, although that just confused me, really. If Joe can't see out the windshield, how is following Nice Guy Reporter going to help them out?


Well, they make it to the track, and Image and Melanie somehow survive on their way to the starting gate despite random Jazz kissage, and they come in second, which is like a victory because Speed.com came in third. So it looks like Will shouldn't have assumed horse racing was going to pull his business out of the toilet, although it doesn't matter because it went belly up anyway and he's decided to sell his interest in Image to Jazz. Melanie is all "oh hell no" because she doesn't want Jazz to be her sole boss, which he tells her isn't that important because he'll never sell Image. (Ha! So he thinks.) And then they kiss again, but they are super awkward about it because Jazz keeps insisting on talking about the Triple Crown in Melanie's mouth.


So I guess Image is going to the Triple Crown, and it ain't Melanie's idea either.


And you know what? I actually liked this book. Despite some things (Jazz's dangling gold earring, Alexis's black leather pants, Melanie's aversion to all activities that aren't standing sentry at Image's stall, the name Speed.com...all just the tip of an iceberg of reservations) it's solid. I could actually see a little bit of spark in Melanie this time around, but maybe that's just because Christina and Parker have been dominating my time lately...and as we all know neither one of them have any concept of life outside of their respective obsessions. And Melanie and Jazz have super cute banter when they put effort into it. Conversation between Christina and Parker is about as interesting as reading a legal document. 


Plus, you have to respect Image. She's the one horse in Thoroughbred land that doesn't seem to give a crap about being anyone's Wonder Pony. I do appreciate that. Now, if only Brad had been in this book. But I suppose I can't have everything.

Heartland 1.10: Born to Run

Heartland
1.10: Born to Run

So I overdosed on Heartland, meaning that I finished season one and then splurged on season two...finishing all twenty-two episodes in a matter of days without posting one recap.

What does this mean? Countless hours rewatching episodes and actually having thoughts on them other than mindless consumption, that's what.

So what's going on here? Let's break this down by character.

Amy is starting to grow out of her storming out on hard conversations phase, but naturally the next stage is acting righteous all the time. I actually like this Amy, since she is a) the voice of reason in the first five minutes of the episode, b) doesn't completely freak out when Lou tells her that Nick Harwell wants to buy Spartan, c) has completely lost patience with Ben in a way that is awesome, and d) saves mustangs from certain doom. +4 for Amy! Bonus of +5 for pointing out to Ben that he sucks as a rider, and as a human being.

But actually this episode provides all the proof I need that Lou is the most awesome character on the show. Okay, admittedly this proof is wrapped up in my love of her plaid coat and her quick thinking at the end of the episode. What does Lou do when all the men have lost their senses and resorted to fisticuffs? She finds Jack's shotgun, fires into the sky, and then pumps it for added effect. And yells confused threats.  +10!

Then we've got Ty, who is projecting his issues on the horses around him. When Wes, evil character for the foreseeable future, smacks mustangs with ropes, Ty comes at the guy and then he gets all emotional about not standing by while innocents are abused. Nice insight into your past family life, Ty. I'll give you +2 for that.

And then there's Jack and Tim, forever locked in a competitive battle over past slights and fairly large family problems. In a previous episode, they came to blows while Tim mocked Jack for being old. Great times were had by all. This time Jack threatens others while Tim checks up on his progress, indicating to me that they are in fact best friends. They just don't know it yet. You'll get there eventually, guys! +2!

Oh, and Mallory. Look, I like this kid. I like her random appearances when she shows up in the house wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a towel. I like her insistence that she's taking a mental health day when she decides to skip school. I don't like her middle grade horse book plot of assuming Lou is selling Copper, so she decides to steal the horse and trek out into the snowy wilderness with nothing but peanut butter, saltines, and two juice boxes. Good luck with that, Mallory. At least you took your cell phone so you'll be useful to the plot later. -3

In other developments, Ben decides to leave Heartland because Nick Harwell also points out that he is a horrible rider. And also he is a bad person. Ashley, insisting that Ben is the opposite of these things, convinces him to go ride at her barn, thus ridding me of Ben and his attitude. +2!

So that's 25-3.
1.10 Born to Run: 22
1.9 Ghost from the Past: 39.1