Cancelled

I wasn't really that interested in watching more of Luck after the first two episodes, but it looks like HBO is making up my mind for me because it's been cancelled.

Although it wasn't axed because it wasn't any good...supposedly. It's because Luck just couldn't stop killing racehorses. The third died recently, and HBO didn't wait for anyone to complete anything resembling an investigation. It just pulled the plug. Which might be an indication that they regret giving it a second season anyway, or maybe they just don't like being connected to horse deaths.

Either way, Luck is gone. Oddly, I'm more inclined to watch it now that I know there's a very limited amount of episodes to view.

But when I think back on the episodes I did see...eh, probably not.

Heartland 1.10: Born to Run

Heartland
1.10: Born to Run

So I overdosed on Heartland, meaning that I finished season one and then splurged on season two...finishing all twenty-two episodes in a matter of days without posting one recap.

What does this mean? Countless hours rewatching episodes and actually having thoughts on them other than mindless consumption, that's what.

So what's going on here? Let's break this down by character.

Amy is starting to grow out of her storming out on hard conversations phase, but naturally the next stage is acting righteous all the time. I actually like this Amy, since she is a) the voice of reason in the first five minutes of the episode, b) doesn't completely freak out when Lou tells her that Nick Harwell wants to buy Spartan, c) has completely lost patience with Ben in a way that is awesome, and d) saves mustangs from certain doom. +4 for Amy! Bonus of +5 for pointing out to Ben that he sucks as a rider, and as a human being.

But actually this episode provides all the proof I need that Lou is the most awesome character on the show. Okay, admittedly this proof is wrapped up in my love of her plaid coat and her quick thinking at the end of the episode. What does Lou do when all the men have lost their senses and resorted to fisticuffs? She finds Jack's shotgun, fires into the sky, and then pumps it for added effect. And yells confused threats.  +10!

Then we've got Ty, who is projecting his issues on the horses around him. When Wes, evil character for the foreseeable future, smacks mustangs with ropes, Ty comes at the guy and then he gets all emotional about not standing by while innocents are abused. Nice insight into your past family life, Ty. I'll give you +2 for that.

And then there's Jack and Tim, forever locked in a competitive battle over past slights and fairly large family problems. In a previous episode, they came to blows while Tim mocked Jack for being old. Great times were had by all. This time Jack threatens others while Tim checks up on his progress, indicating to me that they are in fact best friends. They just don't know it yet. You'll get there eventually, guys! +2!

Oh, and Mallory. Look, I like this kid. I like her random appearances when she shows up in the house wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a towel. I like her insistence that she's taking a mental health day when she decides to skip school. I don't like her middle grade horse book plot of assuming Lou is selling Copper, so she decides to steal the horse and trek out into the snowy wilderness with nothing but peanut butter, saltines, and two juice boxes. Good luck with that, Mallory. At least you took your cell phone so you'll be useful to the plot later. -3

In other developments, Ben decides to leave Heartland because Nick Harwell also points out that he is a horrible rider. And also he is a bad person. Ashley, insisting that Ben is the opposite of these things, convinces him to go ride at her barn, thus ridding me of Ben and his attitude. +2!

So that's 25-3.
1.10 Born to Run: 22
1.9 Ghost from the Past: 39.1

You think you can double cross people...like our Muslim president from Kenya?!

Luck
1.2: "Episode Two"

You know, I don't think I can fully support a show that doesn't bother to appropriately title their episodes. Are you above actual titles, David Milch?

Okay. Episode Two brings us some updates on these people that populate Luck's less than rainbows and sunshine world of horse racing. Ace meets his probation officer, who seems "decent" because he turns on the sink faucet when Ace has trouble urinating into a cup. Although I did like the little detail when the officer asked Ace what he did while he was in prison, because if you can't pee when someone's watching it must be horrible being male. Ace simply says that people made adjustments, which goes a long way in showing that this sweet little man who appears so polite and clean cut (who doesn't like it when his trainer curses, for instance) is actually very frightening.

But then there was a lot of random talking I didn't follow. I think someone wants to buy Santa Anita Park, in which case I'm sure there will be more random talking that I will completely tune out. I basically heard blah blah Santa Anita blah blah buy blah monies blah.

Speaking of monies, The Degenerate is busy blowing his portion of his pick six earnings on poker. Because he sucks at poker. This nameless guy keeps taunting him about it, which I think was my favorite part of the episode. Oxygen Man is pissed that The Degenerate keeps blowing their randomly earned dollars, because they went to great effort to remain anonymous. Oxygen Man can't have The Degenerate out there losing thousands of dollars a night. They have crappy reputations to maintain! The others do not agree. In fact, Third Wheel wants to claim the horse that won them the money (more on this in a minute), and Dick wants to buy spiffy suits so he can please the women. Women, as well all know, are all about shiny packaging.

So let's talk horses for a little bit. Nick Nolte grumbles some more about this horse that is the son of the previously awesome (now dead) Delphi. He decides to talk to Gary Stevens about how Delphi is actually Alydar. People insured him for $30 million and then broke his legs to collect the pay out. Gary Stevens, naturally, gets to ride Delphi's colt instead of Exercise Girl From England Or Somewhere.

And then we get to this claiming race, and the horse who shouldn't have been in the claiming race anyway. The trainer, who is completely crazy and I have very little patience for, gets pissed off that he was claimed and I just want to slap people when they make these decisions and then get angry when the very obvious outcome happens and they vow revenge. Which is basically what happens. Only Third Wheel does not wind up claiming the horse, as someone else had a claim in on it, and I think it's apparent that this quartet has crap luck when not gambling on horses.

Speaking of crap luck, Dick gets roofied by the women he's trying to seduce...I'm not sure why...and then they try to attack him during their unsuccessful threesome. He manages to escape and winds up bloodied and roofied outside of Oxygen Man's hotel. However, The Degenerate manages to hit a win streak at the poker table after losing yet more money, walking away with some amount of cash and reclaiming a little more of his dignity.

And then we wind up in bed with Ace again, as he monologues about something. I guess it was important. I, however, was too busy wondering if we were going to end every episode with Ace talking to his chauffeur as he lounges around on his bed in his PJs.

I just don't know about this show. I can't tell if it's really going anywhere, or, if it is, that I'll actually be interested in these people when it finally gets up to speed. For what it's worth, I liked this episode better than the pilot, but that's probably just because it's benefiting from all the ground work the pilot laid down.

It still makes me feel dirty after watching it, though. It's very good in this regard.

Heartland 1.9: Ghost from the Past

Heartland
1.9: Ghost from the Past

Psst. Did you know Ty knew actual people during his shady past full of group homes? Well, he did. And they are, shockingly, also shady. From this, I conclude that all orphans or otherwise abandoned youth are criminals in training.

But not to worry, Ty is a juvenile delinquent with a heart of gold, and isn't about to let some trashy memory with horrible taste in jewelry derail him from his goal of non-probation. This trashy memory is named Kerry-Anne, and she's working in the kitchen at Briar Ridge, home of resident antagonist, Ashley.

However, we're going to back up a second and witness Mrs. Bell have a heart attack, which I suppose is her graceful exit from the show. Mrs. Bell's pony, Sugarfoot, is transferred to Heartland, where he decides that he is above living in stalls and barges into the house to watch Lou shower. Lou, who has had a horse related epiphany thanks to her fond memories of Sugarfoot when she was a child, decides that this is all just great. In fact, they should never give Sugarfoot back. And when Mrs. Bell's niece comes to collect the pony, Lou has a panic attack and comes up with a lame reason to keep the pony right where he is...in the bathroom, in the house.

Meanwhile, Kerry-Anne is planting the seeds of discontent, or trying to, by being super outgoing and horrible to all around her. Somehow she manages to get in on one of those group dinners I love so much, casually chatting about how much sex she and Ty were probably having back in that group home, and also that they are super awesome together, and Amy had better watch herself. No one is impressed, but she keeps talking, and is rudely shot down by Ty afterward. Just what is Kerry-Anne thinking? Ty is a responsible horsey teen now! These people don't steal cars, Kerry-Anne. Pick up a horse book and you'll understand.

Rebuffed, Kerry-Anne immediately runs into Ashley, who takes her under her wing so she can hear all the Ty gossip. Kerry-Anne provides, and then steals Ashley's ugly horseshoe pendant. Ashley immediately decides that Ty was in on the stealing, so Ty has to go hunt down Kerry-Anne on her way out of town, fix her car, and take back the necklace. He arrives back in time to sit down with his probation officer, reputation still intact.

This episode was dull. I think I will probably resort to random point giving in the next installments, and I will now randomly assign points to this episode as a whole. That number will be 39.1.

Heartland 1.8: Out of the Darkness

Heartland
1.8: Out of the Darkness

Yet another episode tied directly to a series book by the same name, Heartland gives us serious trauma in the form of Gallant Prince and his trainer. Gallant Prince was once famous, in that he won something. Amy likes to casually watch his race to find motivation, during which the race announcer says, "and Gallant Prince pulls away! He's going to win...the race!"

Oh, yeah? He's going to win "the race." I always find attempts to rewrite race announcing hilarious, if not completely maddening (Secretariat, anyone?)

Anyway, Lisa's ex-husband (shhh, we don't know she has an ex-husband yet) trailers Gallant Prince over to Heartland and Jack goes off about how the ranch isn't equipped to hold a stallion. Just what are they equipped to handle? I am exceedingly unimpressed with this operation. Nevertheless, their unequippedness doesn't keep Gallant Prince away. Amy takes him on, and the first night a storm rolls through and completely pushes the horse over the edge. Gallant Prince, you see, was once involved in a fire and his trainer was "on watch" that night, and was also severely burned. But not to worry, Amy is on the case!

Meanwhile, Mallory tells Ty that he needs to just come out and tell the object of his pining affection all about his turgid love. For, you see, Mallory loves Ty and seems to be very bad at taking her own advice. Why can't Ty understand her nonsensical girl crush on him? Damn Amy and her stupid, perfect hair and her stupid, perfect face! Ty doesn't get it at all, so Mallory walks off in a huff and yells at Jack that he and Lisa are equally annoying and they just need to come out and tell Lisa he wants to date her and not do this stupid dancing around each other and pretending that they're only going to a horse auction. YOU ARE OLD, Mallory proclaims. YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE STUPID, LIKE TY.

Jack does not listen, and consequently he winds up stranded on the side of the road with Lisa and a picnic involving turkey sandwiches. And it was beautiful. I wanted to be there and soak in the beauty, and I probably would have yelled at them to shut up or go make out in their truck or something so I could appreciate the beauty in peace.

Eventually they get the auction, and Lisa's ex-husband pops up to say, "Hey, you know my wife!" And Jack plows out of there faster than he could (probably) spit tobacco onto the ground, abandoning Lisa in the middle of nowhere.

While this is happening, Amy is trying to talk Gallant Prince's owner out of his man cave. His wife stands by, utterly useless, and in a huff, Amy gives up and is subjected to Ty's attempt to be open about his feelings, nearly kissing her before Amy tearfully proclaims that she doesn't want their relationship to be ruined because kissing ruins lives.

Eventually, the trainer guy shows up anyway and bonds with Gallant Prince, who is thrilled to see him. But then Lisa's ex-husband shows up to yell about how the trainer cannot be near the horse, since it's all the trainer's fault the horse is crazy. Amy is all SEE SENSE, to the guy, but Lisa's ex-husband is blind to sense and orders the horse into the trailer. Lisa tells her ex-husband he is a complete ass, and then yells at Jack for leaving her at the auction, because if he'd stayed around he would have clearly had a better shot with her. And now...well, yeah, he still has a pretty good shot. Maybe Lisa has low standards?

But then it comes out that his assistant trainer or whoever/pathetic excuse of the ex-husband's son set the fire, and Gallant Prince knows. Of course he does. So ex-husband offers the trainer his job back, and all is well.

Oh, and Amy and Tim go on a horseback ride together. It was also pretty.

Heartland 1.7

Heartland
1.7: Come What May

Out of nowhere I started watching Heartland again, because I am, sadly, just a little bit in love with it. It's just so pretty, you guys. And there's teen angst, and storming out of family dinners, and riding that looks halfway competent if done by people who aren't Ty. How can one resist temptations such as this?

So I gave in.

I haven't read the book that corresponds with this episode, but having seen the back of the volume in question it looks like a mirror image. The ranch is taking on a pregnant mare, and they all freak because the ranch isn't equipped to have a pregnant mare. But take the mare they do, because they're all such adorable bleeding hearts. Meanwhile, Mallory -- the extraneous kid who is always there and seems to have no relation to anyone -- is teaching Ty how to ride and this results in galloping across the Canadian wilderness, hysterics, and falling. Only Ty loves it. He wants to gallop, be hysterical, and fall some more! For then he will be able to ride in the upcoming round up and be respected by Amy and finally, finally, he can put away the baseball cap and know the sweetness of the cowboy hat.

But because of this pregnant mare, Amy and Ty decide that she can't be trusted with her pregnancy and watch her like super parental hawks in four hour shifts. Meanwhile, Ben (who was previously seen in a domestic dispute with his horse) is attempting to avoid his aunt, and is put out that Amy decides the mare is more important than his show and he can just be an adult for once and go train himself. Except he's too busy being irate that his aunt sent him jumps from France and is acting out by storming out of the kitchen and throwing around half-peeled potatoes when Amy tries to persuade him to chat to the woman on the phone. Who will peel those potatoes now, Ben? You said you could cook and you are full of lies!

So Ty skips out on the pregnant mare, leaving Amy on double duty so he can go wave Jack's cowboy hat at cows. Jack is pissed that the lead on the round up is Tim, Amy and Lou's absent father, who points at Jack and informs him that he is old and one day soon he'll be asking good old Tim to help him onto his horse because Jack is too frail to mount by himself. Jack retaliates with physical violence, Ty falls down a ravine after doing something stupid with his horse and a cow, and then everyone doesn't chuckle later when Tim mends Ty's cracked ribs, because cracked ribs are not a joke, Ty. You are a horrible rider.

While the men of the story are off punching each other and taping up injuries in the dark of the Canadian wilds, the women are playing midwife to Melody, who decides she's going to give birth early and Scott, being a typical vet, is too busy and tells them to deal with it. They have all the shoulder length gloves they need. They'll be fine! *click* Lou, put out by this whole thing, shoves her hands up there with Amy and hauls that baby out of there to agonized squeals.

Eventually it all ends with Ben's aunt, Lisa, getting the side eye from Jack, Ben and Lisa bonding over his third place ribbon, and Amy deciding to name the foal Daybreak...although I'm pretty sure the foal isn't hers to name. So, for all of us just catching up on Heartland, Amy didn't storm out at dinner in this episode, Lou did something disgusting and lived through it without soiling her pristine tank top, and Ty earned his cowboy hat by falling off a cliff. This is probably not the best story for him to tell to his future children, actually. He should seriously consider lying.

"You never get used to it. That's why they make Jim Beam."

Luck
1.1: Pilot

Luck might be interesting.

I say that since I could see my face reflected back at me on my computer screen as I watched the pilot episode, and mainly my expression was that of pained befuddlement. And I kind of got what was happening about three quarters of the time. No really!


We shall start with Ace (Dustin Hoffman). Ace just spent three years in prison for something. Maybe that something was mentioned and I tuned it out somehow, but he's been in prison and now he's out and he's kind of melodramatic and eccentric...in a cute way. At one point he gets all bent out of shape when one of his shady friends hesitates at his recording device and he throws a fit about how it's a helpful aid because he forgets things *tears shirt apart, buttons flying everywhere* and he was in prison and holy shit the buttons just flew off his shirt and now he's embarrassed and he needs new shirts because prison left him a physically smaller masculine specimen. And he sits down and tries to do his buttonless shirt back up.

He's adorable.

Meanwhile, since I suppose he was banned from the track, his chauffeur now owns all of his horses, one of which is a $2 million dollar pony that will not pass a bowel movement, irritating his trainer who gets mad at his bug jockey for saying things like "we're going to win big!" or something, because to talk about anything other than the weather on the backside is forbidden. (They do, actually, win big.)

Then there's Nick Nolte. I don't know what his name is, but he mutters to himself a lot and stares at his horse and I suppose some of those mutterings were about how someone killed the horse's father...or his own father. Regardless, someone (or some horse) is dead and Nick Nolte didn't stop it. Generally speaking, the second these words popped out of his mouth, I thought about that creepy shoebox of porn and a little part of this show was ruined for me.

Then there's the four handicappers who spend the whole episode plotting to win the day's pick six. I have no idea what their names are, but for me they will be known as Oxygen Man, The Degenerate, Dick, and Third Wheel. Oxygen Man is the ringleader who yells at The Degenerate a lot, since he has a gambling problem (ha! at a racetrack, you say?). No, no, he has a poker problem. He only gambles on racing to feed his urge to lose at poker. Dick and Third Wheel are sort of extraneous characters I don't care about, only Dick feels that he's entitled to blow his winnings on prostitutes and Third Wheel is essentially that. I have no idea why he's there. Anyway, they win $2.8 million dollars on the pick six, making them sort of well off after you divide that four ways and take out taxes. Don't get too excited, you guys. You'll only be back tomorrow.

Also, a horse dies...graphically. It was not too offensive, and did not insult my intelligence. They just outright show everything: bone snaps, vet shows up, screen goes up, intravenous pink liquid administered, horse dies. Pretty cut and dry. But the poor, previously enthusiastic bug has his heart broken and trampled upon, so Gary Stevens shows up to tell him how to cope: drink. Heavily.

However, it's an exercise rider girl who provides the moment I really liked in this pilot, which basically sold me on the entire series, where she rides Nick Nolte's horse in a breeze. It's beautiful. Girl and horse are galloping and then girl and horse are racing time, and the second that happens was pretty awesome to behold.

So it's a pilot that is putting down a lot of ground work. I can't say I was really wildly impressed with it, but it's certainly authentic. I felt a little dirty after watching it, just like days at the track usually make me feel. I suppose I'll keep up with it out of curiosity's sake or until I'm genuinely interested in the goings on, which apparently occur around episode five.

This will be a long race.

Wildfire: The End, Part Two

Wildfire
4.13: The Ties That Bind, Part 2

You guys, I am kind of upset that I don't have any more Wildfire to watch. It kind of concerns me that I feel this way. It's sort of how I felt when I realized there would be no more new Thoroughbred books to mock.

Well, here goes.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Clay informs Dani that he's going to take the high road with Brad/Ashleigh because he's the parent here, and surely being a parent means you have to Do The Right Thing sometimes. Sigh. I get it, Clay. I do. If only Doing The Right Thing could be as easy as manipulating others. +50

+ Ashleigh informs Brad that "it's always been" him. Thank you for proving me right, Ashleigh. +100

+ Clay opens up to Ashleigh and she smacks him down. Not that this isn't deserved. +5

+ Metaphor! Brad is off to Alaska, creating distance between himself and Ashleigh. Wonder just ran some super long race, but she ran the distance because she loves Ashleigh. Distance can't change love, blah blah blah. Nice attempt, Mike. I am pretty sure this is going to be the last time I reward you points, so I'll be nice and give you more than usual. +10

+ Pretty riding scene that ends in a surprise wedding, because Brad isn't going to Alaska after all, so everyone appears out of nowhere dressed to kill while Jean gives Ashleigh her old wedding dress? AWESOME. +5,000

+ Everything about the wedding (that, for a spontaneous wedding, was pretty ornate). The Brad & Clay reconciliation hug of manliness, the Dani & Ashleigh conversation about being sisters, the Jean & Ashleigh conversation about the dress. Then Ian and Jean give Wonder to Ashleigh as a wedding present, and she's all decked out in white flowers and ribbons and it is the best Thoroughbred fanfic ever. The End. +10,000

The Good: 15,165

The Bad:

- "What would you do with a stolen famous horse you can't sell?" Um, Ashleigh, the possible answers to that question are remarkably limited. The only answer I could think of was kill it. Ashleigh's answer is, "Set it free!" I don't know what this says about me as a person, but I'm pretty sure Brad, Mike, and Dani were definitely with me. -10

- So Wonder's been running around in the wild because some groom forgot to lock the stall door, discovered Wonder missing, and decided to stage a horse theft. Brilliant waste of time. -500

- The winner's circle afterward with Ashleigh, Mike, Jean, Ian and Wonder was a little too much. What with the giant check, the hefting of the trophy while Ashleigh's still on Wonder's back, Ashleigh proclaiming her love for Brad to the camera...oh, man, it just needed to stop. -500

The Bad: 1,010

15,165-1,010=14,155

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698
The Ties That Bind, Part 1: 4,654
The Ties That Bind, Part 2: 14,155

*tosses glitter and confetti!*

And that was the great Wildfire marathon that only took me a year and a half to complete. Next up in terms of television: Heartland, which is supposedly entering US syndication this fall. And then there's Luck, which will happen whenever HBO wants it to happen, I guess. I'm sure the point system will be back for both of those. Whenever they actually appear.

Wildfire: The End, Part One

Wildfire
4.12: The Ties That Bind, Part 1

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Any episode that starts out like this one wins a prize. We've got Brad/Ashleigh in a field, the Porsche, Wonder, pretty beams of light, and a full circle moment brought to you by that yellow flower you always see in the opening sequence. +5,000!

+ Brad, Ashleigh, Clay and Townsend Acres, you say? Surely this cannot be done! It's kind of like how I always wanted Thoroughbred to wind up, which is my sad little admission, but there you have it. This show is kind of awesome. +5

+ Dani gives the best advice this season. Yes, Mike, you are entering Pride in this race in order to get back at Ashleigh for not picking you. I'm happy that you at least admit that much. +1

+ "Mike made her choose" between Townsend Acres and Whitebrook. Thank you, Jean! Finally someone is seeing sense. +3

+ Shirtless Brad. Not only that, but shirtless, wet Brad. I am pretty sure the writers were having a field day at this point. +200

+ Ashleigh is so gung ho on this relationship with Brad that it is starting to scare me. This "I don't care if you're going to Alaska, I am coming with you because that is what I want to do, so shut up already and MARRY ME" is like she's actually become decisive. +50

+ Surprise! We're going to get married after the race! +10 Will Jean and Ian walk Ashleigh down the aisle? Of course! +10 Does Clay look like he wants to kill something with his mind? +10

+ Ian and Jean are off making out in public, shocking Mike to speechlessness, as Dani says, "Everyone knows, honey." +5

+ So, Clay is fresh from being cut out of important wedding decisions (or cut out of manipulating important wedding decisions) and acts out by telling Ashleigh she is an opportunistic, ex-con who is also a whore. Ashleigh takes that rather well, but Brad is the one who strolls over and disowns him with about three words. They are all so awesome I hardly have words. +500

+ The melodrama at the end of this episode rivals just about every soap opera cliffhanger I can think of off the top of my head. "It's Wildfire! He's...gone!" Fade to black... +10

The Good: 5,804

The Bad:

- Mike, your childishness knows no bounds. I am so very sick of you. -100

- The great plot reveal: Wonder should come back from retirement to race one more time! Against juveniles! Because that's super logical! -1,000

- Raintree has silks? Has this become a giant inside joke or what? -50

The Bad: 1,150

5,804-1,150= 4,654

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698
The Ties That Bind, Part 1: 4,654

Wildfire: Being Mrs. Brad Townsend

Wildfire
4.11: Being Mrs. Junior

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ This episode starts out with Brad and Ashleigh attempting to pick a date for their wedding while Brad feeds her random items he finds in the fridge (grapes, whipped cream from a can). Sooo... +550!

+ Holy crap, you guys, the season changed. It looks like it might be late spring. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't autumn. Sure, this kind of puts their Kentucky Derby conversation in jeopardy, but I don't care because I am so happy to see some summer clothing I cannot tell you. +10

+ Brad is on a horse again! Oh, show. Thank you for anticipating my needs. +20

+ Brad attempts to defuse Mike's rampant jealous rage with humor. This only causes Mike to storm off in a huff, because all humor is lost on him always. Too bad. +3

+ Thankfully, Racing!Dani has decided to be the opposite of insane. I am thrilled about this. +3

+ Brad and Ashleigh have a conversation about whether or not she'll change her last name to Townsend, and a little part of me loved it beyond reason. +140

+ Mike, your idea to take on boarders is kind of a recycled one that I'm surprised you're bringing up now after all of this time, but I will give you a point for not being totally beyond reason this episode. +1

+ Clay, you little manipulative bastard. I like your conversations with Ashleigh and Jean, but you are such a little manipulative bastard! I love you anyway. +4

+ The engagement ring makes its debut! And there was much flouncing and flailing and maniacal laughing. +1,000

+ Ashleigh confronts Clay about his delaying their wedding and being a general manipulative bastard. Good on you, Ashleigh. +10

The Good: 1,738

The Bad:

- Dani's green dress. I can't do anything with that. -10

- More about Affirmed. I guess it would be fine if he had been a totally awesome sire of epic proportions, but he just wasn't. -10

- Mike/Dani. I see your attempt to come full circle, show. I just do not think this is a logical move. -20

The Bad: 40

1738-40=1,698

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698

Wildfire: The Comeback...to mediocrity

Wildfire
4.10: The Comeback

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ I am tentatively giving this episode points for more Townsend father/daughter bonding, even though that bonding may be motivated by sheer evil. Dani is going to run her filly against Clay's colt against Whitebrook's Wonder's Pride in some race I've forgotten the name of, and it is all very...uncomfortable. Mainly because of Noah, but we'll get to him in a minute. I give the bonding a point, despite the implication that it may be evil. +1

+ So, where does Brad want to go to get married? FIJI. And where do Brad and Ashleigh go to have sex after this announcement? A STALL. (I assume! Shut up.) Notes say +1,250. (My points are all over the place! I never thought I'd give that many points for stall sex, but I guess there's always a first time.)

+ Brad rides a horse! Really, he should do that more often. +5

+ Mike is a tracker again, because I guess someone remembered that he did that in season one. The only difference is that in season one he was motivated to find a horse, and in season four he's trying to find a couple of lost kids and is really pissed off about it. His basic opinion is that they should let the kids rot in the wilderness, and at the very least he shouldn't have to be bothered helping in the rescue effort. Oh, Mike. You have hit rock bottom for me, and I didn't even like the kids in this episode. +2 for finally cementing my opinion of you.

+ Hey, look, they are actually using the same silks in multiple races this time. If only because they aren't actually showing the races. Once they show another race, the silks change and we get a silly story to explain why Ashleigh needs to change her silks. Thanks for trying, show. +1

+ Clay is evil. Again. I liked it better when he was a soccer mom, but this works too. +1

+ Whitebrook's great comeback involves winning one race. And losing five races. The only horse that won is the very horse Mike wanted to sell in the episode previous, which means I get to give this whole scenario a point for the sake of irony. +1

The Good: 1,261

The Bad:

- There are children in this episode. Petulant, annoying children. And they shriek, and complain, and their outfits consist of primary colors and the most godawful red cowboy hats. I can almost see why Mike wanted to let the two brats who stole their horses and rode off into the wilderness die. -200

- Noah. Look, I get that you're concerned because Racing!Dani is a horrible person and Vet!Dani is so stable and likable. I, too, am concerned about this because I was really liking Vet!Dani and I thought she was over this whole Racing!Dani persona. But attacking her relationship with her father is probably not the way to go about making sure Racing!Dani doesn't make a comeback. (Also, what do you care? You haven't even met Racing!Dani.) -100

- Mike, contrary to your opinion, Ashleigh never actually lived with you. To say such a thing would imply that you had some arrangement where you "lived together" which is so not the case. -50 Also--no, not Brad's beautiful face! -100 Mike, stop trying to drown Brad in the river and act like a freaking adult. You so suck as a character. If I had created you I would have been ashamed. And then I would have killed you off. Maybe you could have been shipwrecked on an island and forced to live in solitude for the rest of your life. Yes, that would have been perfect. -350

The Bad: -800

1261-800=461

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461

(I realize my point system has become a skewed mockery of the totally asinine point system I had previously, but according to this it looks like sex in a stall saved this episode from totally pissing me off to no end. I think I am okay with that.)

Wildfire: Vows & Vegas

Wildfire
4.9: Vows

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ While Brad and Ashleigh are headed to Vegas via silver Porsche, he lets her know that he got Lavinia's dad to stop being such a prick. Ashleigh now has her jockey's license back, allowing for celebratory making out while driving. I see here in my notes that I wrote +1,000, so I suppose that is the number I'm going with. +1,000!

+ We follow this up with Brad and Ashleigh waiting in line in front of one of those quickie wedding chapels, which looks way too nice to exist in Las Vegas. (Due to the greenery, and lack of sheer awful.) They must have picked out the nicest quickie wedding chapel in the world. And they're all nervous and adorable and then Jean has to go ruin things by getting run over by a horse. Why, Jean? Why do you do this to me? I was so close to closure, and you had to go rip it away. +2 for cuteness, I guess.

+ Here is an episode with such a Thoroughbred plot, I dare anyone question the similarities. Jean gets run over by a high strung horse, so Ashleigh decides to "encourage, not criticize" the horse in its next work because everyone is so critical and demanding all the time. Love and support will work wonders, surely. And then Mike storms up and basically says he doesn't want to see that horse ever again because of what it did to Jean. It must be sold! Preferably in the next five seconds! Poor, poor Champion Nikiya, or whatever. +10 for amusing me.

+ Noah is back, because I guess he was somewhere doing something, and I feel that a break did wonders for our relationship. I don't know how or why he's now in a relationship with Dani, but I am surprisingly not horrified by this development. I am tentatively giving Noah a point. +1

+ The misty scene where Ashleigh is grazing Wonder on one side of the fence, and Brad drives up in his Porsche on the other side of the fence and she informs him that everyone else can go right to hell because she is not letting them formulate her opinions of him for her anymore? Notes say +1,000. And it is so deserved. +1,000! Also, an added +20 for being ridiculously pretty.

The Good: 2,033

The Bad:

- "She's the great granddaughter of Affirmed." Seriously? Who dares question the similarities to Thoroughbred, now? -5, just because I hate hearing how horses are the great grand anything to anyone.

- Are we still going to do this love triangle thing? Really? Well, I guess I'm not surprised, Mike. -100

- Spring! For a half-second! -.5

- Can we all step back for a second and realize that it is insane to encourage two people to get together and then freak out about it after they've actually done the getting together? Ian, you can't tell Brad to man up and tell Ashleigh how he feels, and then tell him he shouldn't have done that a day later when your encouragement results in Brad/Ashleigh. This relationship appears to break everyone's brains. -50

The Bad: 155.5

2,033-155.5=1,877.5

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5

Wildfire: Seriously, let's finish this.

Wildfire
4.8: Life's Too Short

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Ashleigh gets over the fact that she's basically permanently banned from jockeying in order to help out with Flame and Whitebrook's "Dirty Dozen" that have wound up actually being talented. I approve of this. +1

+ Brad and Clay wear matching leather jackets. It's the little things about this show that I have to appreciate. +1

+ Brad does not understand Ashleigh's backpedaling in terms of their relationship. Yes, Brad, I don't understand either. In fact, it is beginning to irritate me beyond words right about now because we've been doing this for four years now. Yet, oddly I am a fan of whenever Brad looks like he wants to punch something. So... +3

+ Brad and Mike are back in competition for Ashleigh. It's kind of hilarious, but also really annoying. Thankfully, Brad always lets some humor shine through these moments when he doesn't want to punch something. +2

+ Fresh from thinking he has a chance due to Ashleigh's moving back to Whitebrook, Ashleigh goes and breaks Mike's heart again in no uncertain terms. She just goes around breaking everyone's hearts these days, but I am finally satisfied. No Ashleigh/Mike. Thank you. +1

+ Ian. I don't hate you this episode! Nicely done. +1

+ Brad and Ashleigh finally have that "maybe we should talk about why I didn't get married to Lavinia" moment, and it is the BEST MOMENT EVER. +2,500!

+ "RJ was the one." Dani, you come along and make my Brad/Ashleigh glee all sad and depressing because you still can't seem to grasp that he is in a coma. He'll wake up any day now, I swear it. +5

+ I don't understand how Ashleigh can't be with Brad and live at Whitebrook. I don't understand the concept, because I think Mike can act like a big boy and stop being stupid IF HE FELT LIKE IT, which is PROBABLY NEVER, so...never mind. Anyway. Brad senses that Ashleigh is torn about this quandary, so he puts a stop to it by asking her to marry him and run away together. And Ashleigh basically says OMGYES. And I automatically give them 2,500 points. It is probably too much, but I just don't care.

+Dani. God, never stop being awesome. +20

+ For a second there, I thought Brad and Ashleigh wouldn't get their moment of driving off into the sunset via Porsche. BUT I WAS WRONG. +2,500 *tosses glitter and confetti*

The Good: 7,534

The Bad:

- The backpedaling. DUDE. This is so not the time for a love triangle, I don't even want to begin to discuss it. It upsets me that much. It verges on making no sense whatsoever, but this is usually how love triangles work. It's why I hate them. Ashleigh keeps holding them both at arm's length, doesn't give Mike any cues whatsoever other than wanting to move back to Whitebrook, Brad certainly doesn't know what the hell is going on, and EVEN MIKE is saying, "Ashleigh, it's Brad, okay? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" But then he's totally going back on those exact words later on, because Brad has to go say that he doesn't think it's happening and just UGH. -1,000 (I am going to have to carve a chunk out of the points I gave this episode somehow, guys.)

- Ashleigh is wearing a green camouflage shirt and a baby pink down vest. Ashleigh, sweetie, you dress like a hobo most of the time. It's kind of cute, in a way, but I disapprove of this. -5

- Clay drags Dani to an auction, where she falls in love with this filly. Clay says that yes, sure, she's great. Only she is a filly. That dastardly sex has no place at Townsend Acres! Seriously. Yes, seriously. -873 Only he buys her for Dani anyway, so +213.

- Jean, I fail to see how Ashleigh/Brad is a complication. How is it a complication? I fail to understand! -900

The Bad: 2,565

7,534-2,565=4,969

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969

Wildfire: No one can make up their mind around here.

Wildfire
4.7: Commitment Issues

Ugh, filler episodes. You just give me reasons to deduct points.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Jean. Jean gets lots of points for her slow build back to racing and resolving her problems with Ashleigh. I am happy to see her being less bitter, at the very least. +5

+ Dani supporting Ashleigh in front of the racing board when she could have gone in there and argued for them to reinstate her racing license instead. (+3) Dani telling Ashleigh, "Who wants to get to know the girl who thinks coming in first is the best thing in life?" I think every horse book author needs to study this line before writing another word. (+7) Dani getting her racing license anyway and hiding it away in her desk, silently resolving never to tell anyone about it because she's done racing. (+8)

+ Brad suddenly has poor presentation skills. I cannot believe this! In Brad's defense, he is sidetracked by some wedding photography, reminding him of all the splendid angst that is his life. I kind of like this. +1

+ Lavinia's congressman dad has his revenge on Ashleigh by personally refusing to let Ashleigh's jockey license be reinstated. That's pretty impressive, and exactly what Lavinia's dad would do. +3

+ So, normally I don't give out points when horses win (usually I take them away), but I liked Flame's first race. +1

+ More flashbacks! I cannot explain why I love these so much, but whatever. +1

The Good: 29

The Bad:

- Ian. Look, I like that you've gotten over your issues this episode. But I think your reasoning is kind of insane and I dislike it whenever you say something stupid about how you don't want people messing around with Wonder because you've had plenty of gimmicks of your own the past four years. So shut up. You annoy me. -3

- Spring shots! I notice these things, show. I also think you have enough fall footage in your show of eternal autumn to make sure these things don't happen. -.5

- I hate all episodes that involve the racing board. The monologuing! The angst! The pleas for mercy! It's so boring. -2

- There is too much Mike/Ashleigh hugging in this episode. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I would deduct a point for each time they embrace, but I refused to keep count. -2

- It was a total mistake to let me see the program for Flame's race, show. For one thing, racing programs aren't that simplistic. For another thing, two-year-old maidens don't race against five-year-old maidens. -1

- Matt, you interrupted the Brad/Ashleigh moment! This is so like you to frustrate me to no end. (-3) That said, there was some Brad/Ashleigh to bridge the gap between "Hey, I just stopped my wedding for you." to "Hey, I just stopped my wedding for you, so maybe we should discuss this?" Because there wasn't a lot of anything to indicate that Brad/Ashleigh would happen (and I would be sorely annoyed if I didn't know what happens) in this episode except for the avoiding and Brad's love admission that was interrupted by MIKE, YOU BIG STUPID JERK. -3 again!

The Bad: 14.5

29-14.5=14.5


The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5

Wildfire: Friendship vs Passion

Wildfire
4.6: Friendship/Passion

Mmmm, the definitive Ashleigh/Brad episode. Let's see how many points this one is going to accumulate, because I am feeling so very generous right now.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ After insisting that they remain apart forever and always, right before all of the kissing that will make this all the more awkward, Brad spends the first portion of this episode literally running away from Ashleigh at any opportunity. So while he peels out in his Porsche, Mike mutters, "Wedding stress." This episode is rather witty. +2

+ Jane's resolve to hate Ashleigh is melting. Melting! +1

+ Townsend family bonding! I love it when Clay tries to be supportive as his children roll their eyes and attempt to pretend none of this is happening. +3

+ Mike, I respect your refusal to be the shoulder Ashleigh cries on over Brad. The thing is, this reminds me that Mike/Ashleigh actually happened on this show, and I felt a little bit sick. So while I thought about rewarding you with a point, I am going to have to downgrade it to a half point. .5!

+ Who makes someone memorize a poem for a wedding? Really? Lavinia, you are awesome. +1

+ Ashleigh does sort of unconsciously sabotage Brad's wedding by making Lavinia extra pissy. And Mike tells her so. Mike is right. WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE? I, just, I...I don't know. +2?

+ I really, really, really like Ashleigh standing around with Wonder before Brad's wedding. And I like that she's in her bridesmaid dress. And I like everything about this so much that I am going to give it ten points. +10

+ And then Wonder jumps out of the paddock, and Brad has driven away from his wedding to "get some air," and they accidentally meet up outside of Whitebrook (because that is apparently Brad's default setting) and they go chasing through the countryside, delaying the wedding by I don't know how long to find this horse that is speeding around because metaphors are awesome! +10!

+ And then a random fisherman tells them they should get married. I'm not sure where the metaphor went, but I wasn't expecting that. +1

+ Ashleigh admits to unconsciously sabotaging Brad's wedding, because she is all truthful now. (+1) Brad says he doesn't care and they should run away together. (+4) Now Ashleigh is the one saying that they can't because of...responsibility, I guess. And she doesn't want to be the one to break up his wedding. Dude. *cries* Why do you hate me, show?

+ Wedding scene interspersed with Brad/Ashleigh flashbacks! Oh, flashbacks. You were from a simpler time. +5

+ I cannot believe I am about to say this, but my notes read "Go Mike!" Yes, that's right. I am cheering on Mike's efforts to beat sense into the thick skulls of Brad and Ashleigh right there at the Brad/Lavinia wedding, because he's decided to skip reading the Lavinia poem and subtly inform Brad that Lavinia is all wrong for him while making it seem like this is precisely what Lavinia wants to hear. Well done, Mike. I'm going to give you, like, two points for that. We'll work our way up to the bigger numbers after I start trusting you a little more. +2

+ And then the lights go out. Brad tries to light a candle, fails, and says to Lavinia, "No spark!" Oh, show. +1

The Good: 43.5

The Bad:

- If Wonder is jumping out of her pasture, I think it would help if they got a bigger pasture. Not that this would help when there's metaphor afoot. -1

- Jean and Ian are having with the uncomfortable attraction. I dislike this. In no way should Jean/Ian happen. Jean/Clay would have been so much more appropriate and/or awesome. So, to sum up: Jean/Ian = *horrified screaming* -3

The Bad: 4

43.5-4=39.5

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5

Wildfire: The "Friend"

Wildfire
4.5: The Friend

I so need to finish watching this series. It's dragged on long enough!

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Admittedly, I love how evil Lavinia becomes in this episode. She goes from perky blonde to suspicious and manipulative in the blink of an eye. I approve! +1

+ Just in general, watching Brad and Ashleigh step around each other over the Brad/Lavinia wedding is amusing and just angst-ridden enough to amuse me to no end. +1!

+ Ashleigh calling out Brad on whatever it is that's going on with them since he saved her from death by burning support beam is appreciated. I just don't know what her point is because Lavinia has started eavesdropping and bursts in at the last possible second before it all becomes clear (he loves her, he wants to do more than have eye sex with her, etc.) +2!

+ Oh, no. A deep conversation in which Ashleigh insists that Brad put everything important in his life after Lavinia. This, not shockingly, includes Ashleigh herself. Brad looks like he does not want to hear this and would rather punch a tree. I am further taken with this episode, because quite frankly I have kind of forgotten that it isn't Thoroughbred fanfic. +5!

+ Brad in a leather jacket and a bottle of champagne? Yes. I know. +3

+ Brad shows off his public speaking skills in order to sell the personal wind turbine project to reporters, while simultaneously alluding to how important Ashleigh is to him in the most vague way possible. I am not even sure how that worked, but there you have it. +2

+ In response, Lavinia raises the stakes. Ashleigh is now a bridesmaid! Oh, that manipulative witch. +1

+ Dani to Ashleigh: Are you still in love with Brad? Ashleigh to Dani: *shocked stare* +3

+ Noah. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I kind of don't hate you this episode. Nice job. +1

+ Ashleigh takes a walk with Brad. (+1) She basically throws it all out there about how she's still hopelessly in love with him. (+4) Brad looks like he wants to punch a tree again. (+2) Brad proceeds to reject her and insist that they can't know each other after he's married (unlikely to happen, but I'll give it a point [+1]). Then he kisses her in a desperate manner and stalks off. (+10!)

+ Fresh from that experience, Ashleigh learns that Jean doesn't want her on the farm more than she has to be, because there was some maneuvering from Mike to get Ashleigh a place to live at Whitebrook so she can continue to help with Pride. I grudgingly respect Ashleigh's mute stare of resilience about this. +1

The Good: 38

The Bad:

- Dani/Noah. It's just...wrong. RJ is totally coming out of that coma at the end of the series, Dani. It's okay! Don't settle! -1

- I honestly can't decide if Jean's unrelenting anger toward Ashleigh is warranted at this point. She holds onto a grudge, so I suppose I'll respect that. But, still, eh. -2

- Mike's opinion on marriage is that there will always be someone better than your wife, but because you are married you will wrap up that attraction to the woman who is not your wife, tie a bow on it (for some reason) and then bury it in the cold, hard ground. There is something very unsettling about this, and I can't decide if it's because Mike is such an idiot most of the time or because he's possibly being a little truthful. Either way, I don't like it. -3

The Bad: 6

38-6=32

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32

Season 4 is looking better and better, you guys.

Wildfire: Flames

Wildfire
4.4: Flames

You know, the day I find out Wildfire is available to me in its entirety at hulu.com is the day I totally lose interest in actually watching it. Yet, here I am, committed to seeing this through to the end. We are so close! Just a little bit further! I promise this won't be awful! Really!

The Good:

+ "I don't do things on the down low anymore," says Ashleigh. Whenever someone says "down low" it's hard for me to not burst into laughter. Mainly because I think it is the stupidest term since "my bad," which for some reason enrages me. That said, I am thrilled that Ashleigh isn't doing anything on the down low anymore. My little self-righteous, sanctimonious Ashleigh is back! *hugs Ashleigh tight* Never leave us again, Ash! +3!

+ Wonder's Pride has a photo album tucked away in the Townsend Acres office. Of course Brad keeps a photo album of Pride in his office. Doesn't this make sense? And within that photo album are some really horrible pictures that have been photoshopped beyond saving. For some reason, I like this. +2!

+ Brad saunters in with a briefcase of cash. Awesome? Yes. +10!

+ I even like the rocking out Ashleigh, Mike, Brad and Dani do in the truck. And the way Ashleigh and Dani say, "I used to hate you!" And the way Ashleigh says, "I can't believe I punched you in the face!" I can't believe any of this is happening. +3!

+ And then there is Ashleigh/Brad eye sex. That's right. +5!

+ Brad goes and saves Ashleigh from a flaming support beam by tackling her, picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder, and escaping a roaring barn fire. Well. +4!

+ So, I can't give Mike many points just as a basic rule. However, he rides Pride through a flaming wall, almost rivaling Brad's level of general awesomeness. But because I kind of doubt a horse is going to randomly burst through a flaming wall, I will only give this one point. +1!

+ Dani slaps Noah. This is deserved and needs to happen more often. +2!

+ Brad tells Ashleigh that he had to choose between her and Pride during the barn fire. And obviously he chose her because they are so obviously in love because they are dedicated friends who have eye sex a lot. +2!

+ Pride looks like a racehorse, whereas Wonder always looked like a very stout plow pony. +1!

Good: 33

The Bad:

- MIKE. Your stupid plans to train Wonder after she's just barely recovered from her broken leg are stupid. Please seek therapy. -3

- MIKE. Cantering away from your paying clients and leaving them in a field because they keep calling you Michael means -3

- NOAH. You are annoying. -2

Bad: 8

33-8=25

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25

Romping through Disneyland!

Disneyland: The Bluegrass Special
1977

Welcome to The Wonderful World of Disney, originally called Disneyland. Running from 1954 to 2008, Disneyland apparently caused the "Davy Crockett craze of 1955," according to Wikipedia. This may be a fact that I find endlessly amusing, but yes, Disneyland did feature many, many episodes about Davy Crockett. When they weren't fangirling over a long-dead frontiersman, they were showing the innocent American public Texas John Slaughter: Killers from Kansas (awesome) to Rob Roy (probably without the blood and rape) to The Pigeon That Worked a Miracle (also sounds sort of awesome). What I'm saying here is Disney had a wide range of stories to work with, many of them westerns and animal stories, a few of them involving horses.

The Bluegrass Special is one such story. This episode came out in 1977, but it could have very well have appeared in 1954. It's got the weird/happy music, secondary characters that are in fact chickens, unexplainable antagonists (okay, so unexplainable antagonists are in 90% of horse stories, but whatever...), and random fisticuffs. Could this be awesome, you might be asking yourself? Well, let's go deeper.

Penny lives with her father and aunt at some backwater racetrack. They own one horse named Margot and a chicken named Clocker (or Clucker, but I'm hoping it's Clocker because Clucker seems too obvious and/or stupid.) Penny has one aspiration in life: to become the best female jockey ever. In fact, she has a whole wall devoted to photos of female jockeys. It resembles a shrine the obsessed or homicidal might make of their possible victims. Who knows where she got those professional head shots from. But I digress.

The meet at this tiny backwater track is about to start, and Penny sees the most beautiful dark bay/black colt that is also a rapscallion. His name is Woodhill, and he's busy trying to kill a few people. Penny tries to help, but her father isn't having any of this nonsense. Woodhill could very well damage poor Penny's head, and then where would we be? Leave it to Penny's aunt to go buy Woodhill for some paltry amount, disregarding the colt's bad reputation in order to give Penny a shot at greatness that I guess they assume they might find with Woodhill.

Enter Davy Jones of The Monkees. So apparently Davy used to be an apprentice jockey. I...did not know that. Here he is Davey (conveniently), resident top jockey, who is sort of a dick to Penny. His jockey friend, Billy Joe (or something) eggs him on. They eventually tell Penny that she can't be a jockey because she's a girl and girls don't have what it takes (aka guts). And yet Penny tames Woodhill with carrots and the use of Clocker the rooster, going on long beach rides and progressing until she finally convinces her father to enter Woodhill in the Bluegrass Special.

Only the racing secretary isn't having it. No, no, he loves that Penny will ride, but he can't wrap his head around Woodhill's antics in Tijuana. And so the racing secretary turns down their nomination and Penny is relegated to getting herself into a match race with Davey and Billy Joe. Woe.

On the morning of the match race, they discover that Clocker has gone missing. And because this chicken is all that stands between Woodhill and sheer madness, everyone is quite upset. They all stand around talking about what to do before some guy walks up with the chicken and implies that one of the jockeys took him. Aaaand, on to the match race, where Davey wins and then beats up Billy Joe afterward for stealing the chicken. Davey might be a recovering misogynist, but he plays fair, damn it. And then they all decide to race again in the Bluegrass Special, because the racing secretary saw enough to be awed by Woodhill, but not enough to be enraged that there was an illegal match race going on right in front of him.

So I like this for two reasons: the main character doesn't annoy me and it is 48 minutes long. There is also a completely gratuitous scene of beach riding, and you really can't go wrong there. And thanks to this epsiode of Disneyland, I have found two other British programs that I want to watch: Trainer and Horse in the House. More than likely, I will never see these programs, which I find upsetting because this description of Horse in the House is something I could totally get into:

Children's TV-show about kids who attempt to hide their horse, called Orbit, in the main larder in the third east wing of their country mansion, seeing as mum and dad wants to sell the horse to an Arab oil billionaire.

I am all about any television show that tries to hide a horse in a pantry/refrigerator in the third east wing of a country mansion in order to avoid oil billionaires. Honestly.

The Calm before what?

Wildfire

4.3: Calm

This show keeps getting weirder, and I am back to bring you the fabulous point system that will in no way make anything clear. Let's go!

(Remember, I supplement Thoroughbred series characters for Wildfire characters. This show is in no way related to the Thoroughbred series, although it mirrors it in a really amusing, fan fiction sort of way.)

The Good:

+ Apparently Townsend Acres is now Townsend Industries, and Brad has been made CEO, which may just be a figurehead for the time being, but I am still all about this development. +1!

+ Brad literally cannot remember stealing some poor guy's prom date, during prom. Look, I went to prom, and I remember it quite clearly as the giant waste of time that it was. How awesome do you have to be to forget that you stole someone's date? Has Brad attained some super echelon of awesome? I think that he has. +3!

+ Dani goes through this episode being right about everything. I like it when Dani is right about everything. It just feels...natural, somehow. +1!

+ The poor MIT graduate that got his prom date stolen wants to know how Brad discovered his address. Really, is anyone shocked? He's Brad. +2! It is also kind of sweet that Brad will go this far to apologize to someone for something he can't remember doing that was probably awesome an unspecified number of years ago. (How old are these people? I am so confused.)

+ I kind of like the wind turbine idea. However, I don't know how anyone would feel about having a six foot turbine attached to their house. Also, does it work when it's not windy? Also, how does MIT guy have power if he has his whole apartment attached to the turbine that he has to blow into in order to turn on a light? Regardless of these questions, I still give a point! +1!

+ Brad will stop global warming! +5!

+ I said it once, and I'll say it again. Dani and Ashleigh being friends is awesome. Plus, considering neither have any other friends whatsoever, it's about freaking time. +2!

+ The scene where Wonder jumps out of her little baby paddock to nuzzle Ashleigh is...actually good. For a while there I was doubting the super girl and wonder pony plot, because Wonder was a little sidelined last season by the melodrama, and it's nice to actually get a completely unexpected and unrealistic reaction from Wonder. Thank you Thoroughbred...I mean Wildfire. +4!

+19!

The Bad:

- Who the hell is Ian to come waltzing into Dani's equine clinic to demand that Ashleigh leave town? Dude, this is not the old west. I think Ashleigh can coexist in the same town with you. Don't make me take Ashleigh's side, Ian. You know how I don't like to do that. -2!

- Wonder is whored out for the good of Whitebrook for the, oh, fourth time. Once a season is usually our average, and someone always gets upset about it, despite the fact that this someone has, without fail, whored out Wonder in the past. This time, instead of taking Wonder to a child's birthday party, she is a photo op for all of Whitebrook's dude ranch guests. And Mike, who dreamed up the birthday party scenario from seasons previous, is upset. Mike, how much do you suck? -2!

- While I do think Jean had a lot of reasons to be pissed off last season, now she's just being a rampant jerk. Granted, it doesn't help matters that Ashleigh is acting like a kicked puppy, but I just want some realistic anger, not insane psychobabble, okay? Is this asking too much? -1!

- Wonder ties up, which in Thoroughbred/Wildfire land means she falls over and can't get over it without magical super girl tears. Or, actually, I guess Ashleigh just happens to walk by and everything is better. I don't know what's going on there. It was too Thoroughbred series to make any sense. -1!

- Noah still creeps me out. Stop digging for love with Dani, Noah, because she is so going to get back together with RJ when he magically comes out of his coma! -1!

-7!

19-7=12

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1

Calm: 12

Not bad, show. Not bad.

I clearly didn't read enough Black Stallion books when I was a kid.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion

The Complete Second Season

Episodes 2.1-2.6

Sometimes I choose not to be productive, and this usually leads to a blog entry. Such is the case today, because I had this fabulous romp through the first six episodes of The Adventures of the Black Stallion, season two. This happened randomly, because Netflix just decided to send me this disc without much of an explanation. It certainly wasn't supposed to come along until later (as if there is a plan, or something!), but here we are and whatever.

Six episodes. I honestly thought they were all fabulous in a totally campy, hilarious way. Every single episode involves something nefarious happening to The Black, and in every single episode something totally convenient happens that causes The Black/Alec to escape the evil clutches of the villain of the week, and then someone has an even more illogical change of heart that ultimately leads to boy/horse bonding bliss!

They are also poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly produced. Everything you could possibly want! Also, they are filmed in France.

Consider:

2.1: Barn Burner

Nicole, the spunky French gypsy is introduced! Nicole wants to clean The Black's stall, but Henry says no in a repetitious way that has Nicole throwing empty cans at him in indignant fury! However, Nicole has other problems because someone keeps randomly lighting fires to horse barns in the area. At one point, she is actually in custody when one barn bursts into flame, but she is still held accountable! Oh, those French. Guilty until proven innocent is serious business there, but apparently developing police cars with doors that don't unlock from the inside is also an issue there because Nicole bursts out and singlehandedly saves all the horses except The Black, who kicks down the door and strides through the flames in super slo-mo. So who is the barn burner? The crippled ex-jockey, who, no joke, tries to run away from the cops. He gets about two feet before being slammed into the hood of a police car.

2.2: Diamonds

Arguably my favorite episode, in which The Black, Alec, and Nicole take on diamond thieves! When diamond thieves hide their diamonds in The Black's trailer in order to avoid police check points (although, quite frankly, that uzi is probably giving you away, guys), they are flummoxed and upset when they come back to discover their diamonds have predictably disappeared! (Nicole took them, hoping to finance her trip to America to find her wayward father, but that is not important.) In order to find their diamonds, they take Henry and his lady companion hostage while Alec is off vaulting on The Black, or whatever the hell it is he is doing. So Nicole and Alec ambush the thieves, which doesn't quite work because this leads to The Black being used as target practice. As an aside, the guy with the uzie really is a horrible shot. Nicole and Alec argue about some moral principles while The Black is getting shot at before Nicole finally gives up the diamonds and Alec plays into the evil thief's hands. Of course he's still going to shoot The Black! Hasn't Alec learned anything from all these other episodes? Only all that shitty target practice means the uzie is empty. The thieves turn on each other, and then somehow Nicole shows up in a carriage led by Friesians? Well, it happened!

2.3: Chateau Sauvage

The Black is kidnapped by a rescue group! I...have no idea why! And their aim is to send him back to the Arabian Penninsula, which I am sure is not a good idea. So Henry winds up getting shot with a horse tranquilizer, Nicole spends an hour clinging to the back of a horse trailer, and Alec is forced to prove that The Black loves him. The Black loves him.

2.4: Killer Stallion

The Black is doped! And because of this he goes stark raving crazy! And then someone hires a big game hunter "who likes to kill big animals" to track and shoot him! This one was actually a little forgettable, but I will always remember the hunter using his rifle scope to find The Black, when in reality the horse is about twenty yards away.

2.5: Machine Rider

Alec has a jockey nemesis! And this jockey knows he cannot beat The Black in a fair race, so he turns his whip into a cattle prod and uses it on The Black VERY, VERY OBVIOUSLY in a race. Nicole chews out France's most beautiful actor for being a poor father after she completely takes out the guy's toddler daughter in an effort to save her from The Black's state of pure crazy. Actor guy is suitably chastened, but the message doesn't sink home that he has to supervise his child until she somehow manages to wander out onto the track. The child stands in the grass, waves at the oncoming horses, and is then taken out by Alec as he sweeps her off the ground during the middle of the race. I will always remember the surprised shriek from the child as her legs go blurring off the screen. This seems to be what it takes for actor guy to promise Nicole that he will teach his daughter how to ride by himself, thank you. Lesson learned!

2.6: The Alhambra Zarr

Apparently there are four founding stallions in the Thoroughbred line, and The Black is now a Thoroughbred? Someone in America is not thrilled about this development, and has French people attempt to assassinate anyone who attempts to sanction The Black. Eventually his orders are to just kill them all. All of them! Yeah, that doesn't work. So The Black is headed back to America to race...apparently.

I honestly cannot figure out how this show was produced in France and New Zealand and the US. It totally boggles my mind.