I clearly didn't read enough Black Stallion books when I was a kid.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion

The Complete Second Season

Episodes 2.1-2.6

Sometimes I choose not to be productive, and this usually leads to a blog entry. Such is the case today, because I had this fabulous romp through the first six episodes of The Adventures of the Black Stallion, season two. This happened randomly, because Netflix just decided to send me this disc without much of an explanation. It certainly wasn't supposed to come along until later (as if there is a plan, or something!), but here we are and whatever.

Six episodes. I honestly thought they were all fabulous in a totally campy, hilarious way. Every single episode involves something nefarious happening to The Black, and in every single episode something totally convenient happens that causes The Black/Alec to escape the evil clutches of the villain of the week, and then someone has an even more illogical change of heart that ultimately leads to boy/horse bonding bliss!

They are also poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly produced. Everything you could possibly want! Also, they are filmed in France.

Consider:

2.1: Barn Burner

Nicole, the spunky French gypsy is introduced! Nicole wants to clean The Black's stall, but Henry says no in a repetitious way that has Nicole throwing empty cans at him in indignant fury! However, Nicole has other problems because someone keeps randomly lighting fires to horse barns in the area. At one point, she is actually in custody when one barn bursts into flame, but she is still held accountable! Oh, those French. Guilty until proven innocent is serious business there, but apparently developing police cars with doors that don't unlock from the inside is also an issue there because Nicole bursts out and singlehandedly saves all the horses except The Black, who kicks down the door and strides through the flames in super slo-mo. So who is the barn burner? The crippled ex-jockey, who, no joke, tries to run away from the cops. He gets about two feet before being slammed into the hood of a police car.

2.2: Diamonds

Arguably my favorite episode, in which The Black, Alec, and Nicole take on diamond thieves! When diamond thieves hide their diamonds in The Black's trailer in order to avoid police check points (although, quite frankly, that uzi is probably giving you away, guys), they are flummoxed and upset when they come back to discover their diamonds have predictably disappeared! (Nicole took them, hoping to finance her trip to America to find her wayward father, but that is not important.) In order to find their diamonds, they take Henry and his lady companion hostage while Alec is off vaulting on The Black, or whatever the hell it is he is doing. So Nicole and Alec ambush the thieves, which doesn't quite work because this leads to The Black being used as target practice. As an aside, the guy with the uzie really is a horrible shot. Nicole and Alec argue about some moral principles while The Black is getting shot at before Nicole finally gives up the diamonds and Alec plays into the evil thief's hands. Of course he's still going to shoot The Black! Hasn't Alec learned anything from all these other episodes? Only all that shitty target practice means the uzie is empty. The thieves turn on each other, and then somehow Nicole shows up in a carriage led by Friesians? Well, it happened!

2.3: Chateau Sauvage

The Black is kidnapped by a rescue group! I...have no idea why! And their aim is to send him back to the Arabian Penninsula, which I am sure is not a good idea. So Henry winds up getting shot with a horse tranquilizer, Nicole spends an hour clinging to the back of a horse trailer, and Alec is forced to prove that The Black loves him. The Black loves him.

2.4: Killer Stallion

The Black is doped! And because of this he goes stark raving crazy! And then someone hires a big game hunter "who likes to kill big animals" to track and shoot him! This one was actually a little forgettable, but I will always remember the hunter using his rifle scope to find The Black, when in reality the horse is about twenty yards away.

2.5: Machine Rider

Alec has a jockey nemesis! And this jockey knows he cannot beat The Black in a fair race, so he turns his whip into a cattle prod and uses it on The Black VERY, VERY OBVIOUSLY in a race. Nicole chews out France's most beautiful actor for being a poor father after she completely takes out the guy's toddler daughter in an effort to save her from The Black's state of pure crazy. Actor guy is suitably chastened, but the message doesn't sink home that he has to supervise his child until she somehow manages to wander out onto the track. The child stands in the grass, waves at the oncoming horses, and is then taken out by Alec as he sweeps her off the ground during the middle of the race. I will always remember the surprised shriek from the child as her legs go blurring off the screen. This seems to be what it takes for actor guy to promise Nicole that he will teach his daughter how to ride by himself, thank you. Lesson learned!

2.6: The Alhambra Zarr

Apparently there are four founding stallions in the Thoroughbred line, and The Black is now a Thoroughbred? Someone in America is not thrilled about this development, and has French people attempt to assassinate anyone who attempts to sanction The Black. Eventually his orders are to just kill them all. All of them! Yeah, that doesn't work. So The Black is headed back to America to race...apparently.

I honestly cannot figure out how this show was produced in France and New Zealand and the US. It totally boggles my mind.

Binoculars...of doom!

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
1.8: The Big Fix

As episodes go in this series, this would have been one of the better ones. It had actual racing, actual training, actual relationships that seemed to make actual sense. At least, it did right up to the point one of the characters whipped out a super high tech pair of binoculars that make horses go insane. Considering the binoculars make their first appearance at the beginning of the episode, things went downhill remarkably fast.

But anyway. Alec and Henry are training the Black for some race. They are at an actual racetrack (this receives a point from me for attempting a believable setting), and they are training the horse on the actual track. All very amazing! Nicely done, show. Only then this woman pulls out her binoculars and starts to shoot supersonic or something beams straight into the Black's head, making him go mad. Mad! And he dumps Alec and runs off. After this, they stick the horse in a paddock and let him calm down, figuring the problem must be that he's an Arabian. Yeah, that's it. So, the Black calms down, only to have crazy lady reappear with her binoculars and makes him go all crazy again.

So Henry calls in the vet, thinking that the only thing that can explain this wacky behavior must be internal. Perhaps he is drugged! My God, a rational explanation! Henry is deeply scarred, you see, because one of his assistants from yesteryear got involved with drugging because he was young and stupid, and Henry just happens to be racing the Black against this old protege in the upcoming Very Important Race. The crazy lady is the sister of this guy's trainer, and she desperately wants her brother to win this race, and the only way to do that is to get Henry to scratch the Black.

A vet examines the Black, but he just attributes his wacky behavior to being an Arabian. So Alec is standing in the stall with the horse when crazy lady pulls a Christina and climbs up in the rafters to shoot her binocular beams back into the Black's head. Her goal here is not only to get the Black scratched, but to wreck Alec's self confidence and belief that he and the Black are the best friends of all time. She completely accomplishes this.

But Henry's old friend or whatever is suspicious, and after trying to get Henry to listen to him and nearly getting a fist planted in his face as the vet screams "the horse wasn't drugged!" he obviously gets no where fast. Then Alec gets his confidence back and they decide to race the horse, so crazy lady gets all upset and pulls out her binoculars of doom again, ready to screw up the race. Only Henry's friend is on to this and alerts Henry. They have to find the crazy lady before she does serious damage.

She prepares to do serious damage, only then Henry and his friend catch her and the Black goes on to win the race after Henry manhandles her a little and steals her binoculars. She appears torn between whether to pout or be seriously troubled by Henry's exuberance.

Here she just looks a little sick. Henry, well, like I said. Exuberance. Or, maybe that's just how he is in every episode, when he isn't yelling.

So the Black is victorious, Henry and his old friend decide to let the guy's youthful inexperience go so they can actually be friends again, and I guess the crazy lady and her brother go to jail, because that's where people who mess with horses go in stories like this. There is never a fine, or a slap on the wrist. There is jail. Unless you're Brad Townsend, whose awesomeness eclipses any judicial system.

Overcoming stereotypes, while accidentally falling right into them.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
1.7: Pony Express Ride

This is an improbable situation that genuinely means to be all socially conscious and forward-thinking while at the same time somehow stumbling into every cliche a show can stumble into. It's just expected, is what it is.

So, this is what happens. Alec is offered a ton of money to take the Black and recreate the last pony express ride. The local Native Americans are disgruntled about this because they know the truth about this last ride that the organizers have not been forthright about, and that truth is the last pony express rider wasn't white. He was a Native American, and we know this because his last name was Coyote. Alec heads off on this ride, totally against Henry's wishes because the Black is a racehorse and Alec is in an "authentic" cowboy costume, and it's just completely ridiculous. Alec doesn't care. He starts off on his ride, only to immediately run into trouble because someone is switching the signs on the trails. He gets completely lost. Then someone leaps on him and the crazy starts just after that when his assailant nearly falls off a bridge. Alec helps him, but the assailant decides to follow him because he also got lost. Which is pretty amusing because he was the one that supposedly knew what was going on, and Alec was supposed to be the confused, lost one.

The fun part about all of this is the kid who jumped Alec is a Native American, who is the great great grand nephew of this Coyote person. He tells Alec all about the treachery here, and Alec agrees with him. The kid (I forgot his name, because it isn't important) becomes Alec's sidekick as Alec puts his survivor skills to use. Nice going, show.

New Kid does provide matches, though, but that is clearly sub par to Alec's attempting to create fire by rubbing two sticks together. It is immediately clear who the manly man is here. Alec makes sure they don't starve, then he gives New Kid the special book that they're ceremoniously carrying to wherever, and they finish the ride. Alec tells New Kid to tell everyone all about the real story, but this is not important because the show goes immediately to credits before the New Kid can say anything of substance.

And that's it. I'm seriously thinking about skipping all of these pointless episodes, only the installment where high tech binoculars make the Black go into a homicidal rage is up next, therefore I cannot. Plus, we can't miss the candy bar episode, or the time Henry suddenly reveals he's illiterate. Right?

Alec overcomes a small town's prejudice against Down Syndrome by falling on his head.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
1.6: A Friend in Need

This is the Down Syndrome episode,wherein Alec befriends and is assisted by a kid with Down Syndrome. Let's just jump right in, shall we?

Pierre is pissed off. He has new beginner students, and they all suck, as all beginner students invariably do. One of these students has a son named Mike, our Down Syndrome hero. Mike starts the episode by trying to climb into the Black's paddock, which Alec immediately puts a stop to by yelling, as he always does. Mike's mom comes running over to deal with the situation, learning from Alec that the Black isn't exactly the safest horse to trust with interacting with strangers. Mike's mom tells Mike not to touch the horse, insisting that the Black is a "bad horse," which we will be hearing about repeatedly in this episode.

So after Mike learns that the Black is bad, Mike develops an affection for Alec. For instance, Mike and his mom are off eating sundaes when Mike spots Alec, drops everything, and runs up to him with chocolate smeared all over his face so he can give Alec a hug. Alec doesn't really know what to do here, so he lets Mike hug him as these tween kids walk by and say demeaning comments. Alec still doesn't know what to do, but Mike eventually lets go of him and returns to his sundae. Henry takes a moment here to inform Alec that Mike has Down Syndrome, and that he's just like the rest of us, just slower to understand things. He has a right to be treated normally, etc. I'm a little surprised that this speech is given by Henry, Mr. It's Not The Sport Of Queens, Ha Ha Ha, but it is.

Meanwhile, Belle has nominated Henry to do something with some local horse association, and Henry is freaking out because he has to give a speech about the Black, which results in him singing into a tape recorder:

So, inspired by Henry's speech about Down Syndrome, Alec decides to befriend Mike after standing up for him in front of the gang of tween assholes. Essentially, Mike wants to play basketball. Or. . . he runs up to them while they're playing basketball and they throw the ball at him and he fails to catch it, resulting in Mike getting beaned in the stomach a few times. Mike thinks this is all good fun, totally not picking up on the fact that he's being made fun of, but Alec immediately gets what's going on and comes to the defense.

So Alec rolls around in the dirt with someone who's probably 12 or something. It's all highly amusing. Later on he gets reprimanded by the adults that Mike didn't really get what was going on anyway, and to Mike he just looked like a crazed person. So Alec decides that it's time to be even nicer and takes Napoleon out for Mike to ride. Mike is hesitant about this, wanting to know if Napoleon is a bad horse. Alec assures him that he is not. So they go on a ride.

They do this without a helmet, of course. Real smart, Alec. Stick the kid with Down Syndrome on a horse without proper safety gear. Well, whatever. They decide to go riding by themselves, both not wearing helmets, and they run into the gang of tweens out in the woods, of course. They're all ohmigosh! because the Black is there and of course the tweens follow everything the Black does and worship him for no reason. While they're all in awe of the Black, Mike tells them that they can have the cookies he brought along for the ride and they're all "holy crap, cookies!" Alec is all "you don't have to give them your cookies, Mike!" But Mike wants to give them his cookies. So the tweens eat the cookies and their whole mindset is changed. Mike is accepted because of his cookies and his random connection to the Black. Everything is fantastic now.

Except they have to continue on their way, presumably cookieless, and run into this spastic border collie who barks at the horses and spooks the Black, resulting in horse hysterics as the Black jumps a fence. Alec, who is riding without a helmet, is knocked off and lands on his head in a shallow stream that is going to slowly rise until it drowns him. The Black runs off, but returns before Mike can really process what has happened. By the time Mike realizes that Alec ain't getting up, he can't do much about it because the Black is freaking out and won't let him wander over to Alec.

This results with Mike waving his hand around and telling the Black that he's a bad horse. The Black just stares at him, remarkably bored by this situation. Then Mike deduces that if he takes the fence apart, he can lead Napoleon in, calm the Black down, and get to Alec. He does this, ambles up to Alec, and says, "Wake up, Alec." Then he sort of pokes him lightly in the shoulder. By this point the water has risen to cover nearly half of Alec's face, so that seems to wake him up. Alec is amazed to discover what Mike has done, blah blah blah, they go home, no one smacks Alec for not wearing a helmet, and then Henry changes his speech to talking about how Mike is so amazing. Mike does a bow in front of the horse association, and the tweens, who just happen to be there also, clap and smile politely because Mike gave them cookies.

And that is the episode in which Alec is saved by someone with Down Syndrome. Sort of. I'm further nonplussed with this section of the series, and further amazed that it survived through three seasons containing 26 episodes each. Anyway, next time on The Black Stallion, Alec and the Black overcome racial prejudice, continuing our trend of boy and horse cure society of random ills.

You can't make me do what I sort of don't want to do but really do want to do!

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
1.5: Stowaway

This is a fairly dull episode taking place almost entirely at a carnival. It also has very little to do with the Black, Alec and Henry, preferring instead to stick them in this episode as supporting characters serving as family counselors to the guest characters, which is ultimately boring.

But here we are anyway. Bobby is more or less the main character, and he isn't important because we'll never see him again. He is a runner and his dad pushes him too hard because he wants Bobby to get a scholarship, etc. Bobby is not happy, so after a blow up between the two he runs away and finds himself in that massive blue trailer they haul the Black around in.

After saving Bobby from getting his head kicked in by the Black, Alec and Henry take him to the carnival with them, where they will be racing the Black in some unimportant race. I particularly like Alec's windbreaker in this scene. Mainly because I think I had a windbreaker exactly like it when I was ten. Anyway, Bobby comes along with them and Alec gets to hear all about his various problems in life. Like he doesn't want to run. He wants to "play the guitar" and "go out." Then, because Alec is apparently starving, he and Henry go back into town for more food and run into Bobby's dad, who is a cop. So they tell on Bobby.

And we get a lot of family drama. Bobby's dad is the type to really lay down the law, and while trying to pull Bobby away from Alec and Henry he winds up smacking him. Bobby freaks out and runs off, causing Alec to chase him down with the Black so they can have their heartfelt conversation about how Bobby needs to stop running and face his father reasonably. Bobby comes back with Alec. Bobby's dad is mortified with himself, and thus is more willing to listen when Bobby tells him he's going to quit the track team and play the guitar instead. Bobby's dad is now more open to this guitar thing, and promises to listen to Bobby more in the future. But Alec and Henry are still unsure that this is going to end well.

We conclude this episode with Henry and Bobby's dad listening to Bobby play the guitar while Alec plays the harmonica. I think a harmonica was included in the original Black Stallion, so I guess that makes sense. Bobby's dad talks with Henry about stuff concerning making running fun again and they are all happy.

Like I said, a really forgettable episode. I will end this post with a screencap of Alec breezing the Black, because that happened but was not important enough for me to really care about including it in the recap.

I really cannot wait until they get to France. Because at least then the show is pretty.

He's a horse on the lam.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
1.4: Long Way Home

I'll say up front that there's a lot of hugging in this episode. From this you should immediately deduce that not a lot happens. I still have plenty of screencaps to share, however. Mainly because I had to get every hug cataloged for some reason. And The Black runs around a lot, which is pretty. Even I have to appreciate that.

Starting out, Belle splashes something in her eyes. I think it's ammonia. That doesn't go well, so she's forced to stick little pieces of gauze on her eyes for an unspecified number of days. While calling home (I guess), Henry gets the news about Belle's condition and tells Alec. This results in hug number one:

Then Henry packs Alec on a plane and proceeds to drive cross country with The Black. At some point, he decides to take The Black out of the trailer and lounge him around in a completely chaotic manner. This is where things go wrong, because he's right next to the road, giving the horse plenty of opportunity to spook and run away. The Black does this, resulting in Henry waving down a police car and asking the cop to help him look for The Black, who is now on the lam.

Meanwhile, Alec is hugging his mom:

So everyone is stressed out, Henry is keeping the fact that he lost the horse a secret, Belle doesn't know if she'll see again, and no one knows what's going on. Except for The Black, who is off gallivanting across the country.

There he is, drinking out of streams and running past cows. Henry tries to find him in vain, so eventually he and Napoleon have to make the call:

He keeps checking in on Alec, but doesn't tell him until around the end of the episode. Instead he gets a trucker to ask his fellow truckers for help, and he asks a local radio station to help out. The cop wasn't helpful, I should mention. He just sort of stared and Henry acted like a senile old man.

Meanwhile there's more drama at home. Alec and his mom discuss what they'll do if her blindness is permanent, which would be a really touching scene if Pierre hadn't walked right through it:

That was unexpected. But look at him go. Totally oblivious to everything going on around him. I still can't figure this show out. Did they want this to happen? Did they film this in one take and just shrug off Pierre's random interruption? Why has Alec abandoned his checkerboard shirt for this heather gray thing? I'm becoming convinced they filmed this season in a week and didn't bother taking multiple takes. I am so intrigued.

Anyway. Henry tells Alec about The Black. Alec reacts with concern and Henry flips out at him about trying to stay calm, despite the fact that Alec really is already calm. He has more important things to do right now, like take his mom to the hospital so they can take her gauze off of her eyes. They go to the hospital and cluster around her while the doctor takes off the gauze, tells her to open her eyes slowly, and informs her that if she can see things will be hazy. Wow. This version of fictional medical practice almost rivals the nurses letting Ashleigh and Mike ride off in a sleigh with their premature infant. Regardless, Belle announces that she can see and everyone is all YAY. Then they go home and there's The Black.

This results in hug number three. Then Henry comes home, all determined to find The Black, and is surprised, of course, to find the horse already home. Because this is his home. Duh, Henry. Everyone laughs. Roll credits.

Really, utterly pointless episode. I skipped through most of it, including the pretty scenes of the horse running around. Because I just didn't care.

It's not called The Sport of Queens for a reason.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
Season 1.3: First Among Equals

I'm going to start off this entry by reporting that yes, Alec does change his shirt in this episode. Briefly. Otherwise the old checkerboard monstrosity is still with us, proving that Alec may in fact only own four shirts. Four shirts, at least one pair of jeans, a shiny jacket with "The Black" written on it, and white high tops that appear to never be laced. I just need to see one person wearing a shirt decorated with puff paint and the horror will be complete.

But never mind all of this. What's important here is that The Black is so tired that Henry scratches him from some nondescript race, and since he's so super awesome he'd have to be pretty damn tired. Alec is upset about this, apparently preferring to race his special horse into the ground all for the sake of being the center of attention and parading around in front of his friends in Scranton. Wherever that is. I assume it's not the Scranton of Pennsylvania, given that would be a long drive from Langford wherever they are. British Columbia or something. Whatevs. They come home from wherever they were (there's a lot of random driving around in this show, since that giant truck and trailer has to be used), to a random track called "The Track" at Langford. I assume this exists, because it looks too old and decrepit to not be real. Anyway, shock of all shocks, Alec finds Catherine exercise riding! Apparently she's striking out on her own because her dream has always been to race. Screw this jumping thing.

So later on she finds Alec in the barn. He's stewing about why Henry had to scratch The Black. Damn all this rest and health and good of the horse stuff. Catherine interrupts these thoughts by asking him to come with her to talk to this guy who might let her ride one of his horses in a race. Alec thinks this is just dandy and, because he's secretly in love with her thick eyebrows, he gussies himself up with a curry comb he just happens to have handy for this occasion.

So they drive out to this other place and meet Zeke, who tells her that they should really talk to this Warrick guy about riding the horse. Warrick makes every horse story antagonist pale in comparison. Well, he has nothing on Brad given that Brad is just so awesome and had his own method of freaking everyone out. Warrick prefers to intimidate everyone by carrying a high powered bow around with him and randomly saying things like: "My jockeys must understand two things: loyalty to me and respect for my horses." Just randomly. Without anyone saying anything to him. Without anyone really being there to listen to this. Just randomly. He's all detached and arrogant and there is no way he's letting a girl ride one of his horses. Catherine can just forget it now.

So after Warrick has successfully delivered his "no woman will EVAR ride my horse(s), now get out of my way so I can shoot something" line, Catherine road rages while Alec hunkers in the passenger seat and hopes she doesn't kill them. Life IS NOT FAIR. Catherine yells about how her family always had race horses and she's always wanted to race and ALWAYS WITH THE JUMPING. People, Catherine is not thrilled. Men are stupid. Stupid men. Alec, being male, tries to assure her that it's just one race and that ain't cutting it. He is a stupid man like all the others! Alec feels her pain and gets really pissed when Henry echos Warrick. Women are, like, women! What's with this putting them on racehorses thing? That's like...weird. It's the sport of KINGS after all. Ha ha. Um, no. Alec isn't having that and he storms off in a huff. He goes to visit Warrick and throws it down, demanding that Catherine will race Hunter's Light (one of Warrick's horses) against Whistler (one of Warrick's horses) against The Black, who I guess is not tired anymore.

Henry is not amused by the situation. He won't get out of the way...until he gets a phone call...on a cordless phone...? Well, anyway. That does it and off Alec goes to the track.

So the race goes off. It's not exactly a race so much as an unrecognized match race of sorts. The Black wins, and Catherine loses because she's interfered with. She channels her inner Cindy, whipping out the indignant outrage of having to deal with people who won't play by the rules. Meanwhile, Henry and Pierre are there and Pierre breaks out the angry French. They yell in French and then Pierre tells her that her dream only exists because her father is a meanie she wants to rebel against.

It's certainly not that she wants to prove to herself that she can do it. It's just more parent problems, like always. Alec doesn't understand any of this. People talk about fairness some more. Only then The Black is injured. Uh-oh. Looks like Alec actually is stupid. Henry calls Catherine a French filly, and gets all annoyed at Alec for using the horse to impress Catherine.

Alec bemoans his stupidity. It is all his fault! He shouldn't have raced. Now Catherine will never jockey anything and The Black is hurt. So what do we do? We accidentally injure someone somehow and this leads to Alec offering to ride Warrick's horse, only they substitute Catherine instead without Warrick knowing about it, and Catherine wins the race. Hooray! Everyone gets what they want in the end, except The Black, who is still injured.

So Pierre lets Catherine continue this jockey thing so long as she keeps training seriously in jumping. Extra hooray!

The Black Stallion: I am grugingly appreciative of this show's simpler ways.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
Season 1.2: Vigil

I'm convinced this episode should have been called "Hostage" or "That One Time Alec Went Completely Insane." Vigil is a little too peaceful a word for what these people went through in this episode, although they really created their own problems.

Basically, it all starts with Napoleon. That feisty scamp! He's busying himself by working on the latch to his paddock gate, opening it and wandering out into the open field where Catherine is (recklessly) jumping her horse. Meanwhile, Alec is talking to his mom about his aunt and uncle, who are coming to see him race the Black at the local fair. I guess this is where I have to interject that they can't race the Black on normal circuits because he has no papers. Because the series was so fundamentally unrealistic, I give the show some points for reminding everyone that it's basically impossible for the Black to actually be raced, given that no one exactly knows what he is. I have vague memories of the book indicating that he was something more than Arabian, but I can't recall if it ever got into the stickiness of racing the Black against thoroughbreds like Sun Raider and Cyclone. I'm betting it didn't. Anyway, the Black has no papers = the Black is limited to worthless country races that people attend while eating cotton candy. It's the lowest of the low, and I have a feeling they only do it because the Black has to race or he'll go bonkers and kill something.

SO. Back to the plot, Alec's aunt and uncle are going to the fair and that's where Belle is going so she can meet up with them before Alec and Henry arrive with the Black. So she leaves and then Napoleon gets kicked in the side by Catherine's horse.

Totally unexpected, right? And look. There's that damn shirt again. I can't decide whether to hate it completely or be grudgingly appreciative of the fact that shows back then actually thought it was okay for their characters to wear the same thing more than once. Anyway, they get all up tight about Napoleon possibly colicking because of this. I have no idea if this is possible, so I'll just roll along with it. Although Henry keeps saying, "we might have a horse with a colic" like it's A broken leg or A ruptured intestine or something. I find that annoying. So Pierre tells them that the vet is coming and they can leave Napoleon with him and Catherine so they can get the Black to the fair.

Meanwhile Belle is enjoying herself at the fair in her shoulder pads that are attached to that peach jacket. She finds the relatives, who have no real role in this episode other than to hover around Belle and look confused. So they're waiting at the fair, and since these are pre-cell phone days they are unaware of the goings on with Napoleon, which are beginning to disintegrate, and not because the horse is actually getting sick. It's mainly because everyone's social skills completely break down.

While they walk Napoleon around, Henry lets the Black out of his stall. This is a HUGE mistake, because this allows the Black to go into hysterics when they try to lead Napoleon back into the barn. The Black jumps a fence, rushes into the barn to be with his sick friend, and is prepared to beat the living crap out of anyone that dares enter.

Just for the record, I really don't buy this situation. Alec is supposed to be the Black's be all and end all, not Napoleon. This scene culminates in Alec trying to talk the Black down like he's a jumper clinging to the side of a building, and the Black somehow bloodies Alec's nose while Napoleon is lying down in his stall (although not thrashing, which from all I can tell is a good thing). After the Black basically punches Alec in the nose, things calm down a little and Alec can get in to see Napoleon.

So Alec begins to miracle work Napoleon back to health with a sponge while the vet yells instructions into the barn. The Black still won't let anyone in, and everyone outside the barn starts to become increasingly agitated. What if Napoleon dies! The Black might go mad! Mad! The vet seems to be the most vocal about wanting to get in there so she can just put the horse down and get the hell out of there. I mean, I don't blame her. The situation is increasingly crazy, but she's also clearly a bitch. So while Henry talks to Alec, who has apparently been talking to the Black in their secret language between boy and horse or whatever and is all "the Black knows, Henry," the vet and Pierre sneak into the back door and try to get at the stall. But the Black rushes them and this really breaks all of Alec's trust. He starts yelling.

Yes, it's frightening. I know, but there's a lot of this going on around the end of this little drama. The Black knows! You all don't understand my emotional history with this animal! Napoleon is going to be JUST FINE! JUST FREAKING FINE!! Because THE BLACK KNOWS, HENRY!!! Also, Richard Ian Cox has some really crooked teeth. I don't know if I wish he'd had braces or to be grudgingly appreciative of a simpler time when actors didn't have to have perfect teeth.

Well, as it happens, Catherine finds Belle, who abandons Alec's aunt and uncle at the fair (seriously, she just rushes off and they're left with further confusion). She appears at the barn and miraculously understands that yelling at her son will further cause him to slip into insanity, and if that happens she'll probably never get him out of the barn. So she lets him do whatever the hell he wants to do in there and tells everyone else to back off. That means you, bitchy vet. So the vet goes home and Pierre proceeds to not care, I guess, and that leaves Henry to sleep outside in his lawn chair while Alec nurses Napoleon. And in the morning, Napoleon is just fine! What a miracle! Never saw that one coming or anything.

Therefore we learn that the Black is right, and Alec is right, and everyone else with their human logic just suck. Then Alec and Henry fix the gate and Napoleon can frolic in peace and limited freedom. Hurrah!

The Black Stallion: Reinventing a children's favorite to mild jazz music.

The Adventures of the Black Stallion
Season 1.1: Where There's A Will

So this is the first of my Black Stallion marathon, which would make this the second time I've watched this season this year. Weirdly enough. I decided to go back through it because it proved pretty popular in the online poll here, and what the hell, right?

I should first admit that I haven't read most of the Black Stallion books. I think I mainly determined that they were boring on top of being unrealistic adventures I could never exactly get into completely. In fact, I don't think I've read all of The Black Stallion, but like that matters here. The first thing you need to know about this series is that you don't need to know very much about The Black Stallion, because it reinvents the storyline. For instance, Alec Ramsey is suddenly a teenager in 1990 (instead of the 1940s). Instead of living in New York, he lives somewhere in British Columbia. His parents owned Hopeful Farm before his father died. (I presume this happened during the shipwreck...bringing up some questions about what the Drake was considering this is 1990. A cruise ship, perhaps? What was the Black doing on a cruise ship? Well, whatever.) Hopeful Farm is a showing stable, and this is where the Black is currently training. In a field, I guess. The only thing that still holds true to the original story is that there was a shipwreck, the Black saved Alec's life, and they lived on an island for a while. Afterward they came home and ran into Henry. Then...I'm not really sure where the story goes. It just picks up here, in 1990, in British Columbia.

That said, let's get on with this. I don't know if this is the pilot or whatever aired after the pilot, because if it's the pilot...I have a hard time believing it. It's a really random episode, driven entirely by the fact that Henry (and for the record, I did type Charlie just now and had to delete it...who knows how many times that is going to happen) is OLD. He is, like, decrepit. So he's watching Alec and the Black gallop in a circle in a field (this is their training method) and he has something similar to a heart attack after screaming about how the Black needs a ring bit and everyone comes rushing over to help. They call 911 and rush him to the hospital, resulting in emo!Alec.

After wandering around in the field with the Black for a while, he spends some time cuddling with Henry. Only Henry has to wake up eventually, asking for hot dogs and such. Alec is hesitant to give him any processed meat given that Henry basically had a heart attack (it was something heart related...not that I remember now, and no, it's not that important). The doctors discharge him and Henry goes back to Hopeful Farm so he can be depressed over the fact that he's old and decrepit. He's so old and decrepit, he tells Alec he can't handle training the Black anymore. No one could possibly expect him to drive that giant ass trailer they cart the Black around in, after all. And no kidding. The thing is huge.

I have a feeling that trailer gobbled up the bulk of the show's budget, actually. And that's for hauling around one horse. Maybe two if Napoleon is involved. It must be the most awesome horse trailer ever. I can't remember if it makes its way to France and New Zealand later on (really, this show was very cool. France and New Zealand?), but if it did this show gets bonus points.

Moving on, Alec is upset by Henry's admission that he is no longer going to train the Black. He has a long talk with his mother about Henry's condition, where she assures him that Henry is just scared of living now that he's had his brush with death. He's lost hope that he can live life to the fullest now that he's old and decrepit, you see. It's common, so the doctors have told her. I have a screencap of this scene, just because it involves the Ramsey kitchen, which needs to be documented for posterity.

Yes, those are purple cabinets and counter tops. May this never happen again. I'm not even going to discuss Alec's shirt. I remember fashion in 1990 too well, and if I get into the sheer hideousness of this article of clothing I might have to dredge up my own awful memories of this time period. I mean, this was 1990. This was the era where every television show and movie had that hideous saxophone music playing in the background. Who remembers this? Who wants to just die every time you hear it? This show has plenty of that horrible background music, people. It's earsplitting in its mellow, jazzy way.

So Alec troops out to where Henry has stationed himself in his lawn chair, dutifully waiting for someone to pick him up and take him to a retirement home in Florida. Alec insists that Henry is just waiting to die and tries to motivate him, but it doesn't work and Alec storms off to brood. This results in another chat with his mom (her name is Belle, which I'm sure was not the case in the books) that I also have to screencap.

Yes, she's wearing one earring and yes, it's practically touching her hand. She's going on about how she was feeling (sort of, I can't tell if she just forgot her lines and the director liked it or if she actually wasn't supposed to say anything meaningful) when Alec's dad died, but all I could do was stare at that earring. Alec asks her what they should do with Henry (note: almost typed Charlie again) and she just smiles and they walk off, where I guess they're going to come up with a way to sabotage Henry's Florida dreams.

This happens in the form of Pierre. Pierre is Henry's nemesis. Sort of. In that he is Hopeful Farm's riding instructor and Henry thinks anything that is not racing is a waste of time. Pierre thinks the exact opposite, so they never get along. I was almost always convinced that Pierre and Belle would eventually get married, but since they both disappear when the show moves to France I'll just have to fabricate that story in my head. If I cared, anyway. So Pierre tells Henry that he's going to start training the Black, something that Henry is immediately suspicious of. How dare that French riding instructor take over Henry's job! He's just besides himself as he watches Pierre instruct Alec, who falls off of the Black for seemingly no reason. Henry yells about how they're "doing it all wrong" and that there can only be one trainer and Pierre immediately agrees and walks off, giving Belle a thumbs up. Everyone is thrilled!

And Henry and Alec continue to train the Black to run around in a circle in a pasture. Then they load him into that giant trailer and haul him off somewhere while discussing all the junk food they're going to consume on the road.

• The guy who is riding the Black is an obvious stunt double, but at one point they use him in a scene where Alec is supposed to be speaking to Catherine (the French girl that is training at Hopeful Farm, but really wants to be a jockey and will disappear after this season), but they're still using the stunt double and trying to sync Alec's words over the image when the double's mouth is not moving. To their credit, I never noticed this before now. And I probably only now noticed it because I'm watching it on a computer. So. Yeah. Anyway.
  

• Napoleon is a chestnut in this series. Boo.

• At one point Alec, in a fit of rage after being unsuccessful in tempting Henry back into his job, throws a water bucket at a wall, upsetting the Black. The Black screams and is upset and Alec just yells, "it's not you!" at him. Like...no kidding. You just threw something at the wall next to your horse. I think this kid has anger issues.

So, that's all here. More Black Stallion episodes to come.