Pine Hollow Tip: Stalking is perfectly acceptable if a boy doesn't want to talk to you.

The Trail Home
Pine Hollow #2
1998

Are there some problems even your best friends can't help you solve?

Callie Forester is out of the hospital after the car accident that nearly claimed her life. Now Carole Hanson and Stevie Lake are determined to help her on the road to recovery. But Stevie is still consumed by guilt. After all, she was driving the car; could it be her fault that Callie almost died? Scott Forester, Callie's brother, certainly seems to blame her. Meanwhile Carole Hanson wants to know what secret Ben Marlowe is hiding. Why won't he let anyone get close to him? What's he afraid of? And if she does find out, will it ruin their new friendship? As for Lisa Atwood, she's enjoying life in California, working on a TV show. Will she decide that California is the place to be and abandon her friends and boyfriend? This summer could mark the end of everything, or a brand-new beginning.

You know what's sort of annoying? This book. You know why it's sort of annoying? It reads like it was written by a life coach, or maybe a motivational speaker, or maybe someone who spends their time frolicking through fields of daisies. It mainly caused me to feel unnerved, because whenever I run into dialogue that is this formal (and therefore totally ridiculous) I get a little twitchy. For instance, this is a short book. Only 166 pages. But people tend to fly off into giant, unexpectedly deep discussions that I don't care about, which also seem rather redundant because you're pretty sure you always know what their conclusions will be. It's kind of like a lengthy episode of Dawson's Creek, only with shorter words. And it took me forever to finish it.

Also, this book is mainly about Carole's inability to mind her own business. Ben Marlowe is hiding something! He's quiet and sullen and totally not interested in people! Well, okay, why don't you just give him space then, Carole? Why do you suddenly feel the need to get in his business and decide to, I don't know, stalk him and stake out his house?

So while Carole is invading people's space in more ways than one, Stevie is upset because she was driving the car that sort of almost killed Fez and Callie. She immediately quits her pizza delivery job and goes to work at "the laundry." Callie's brother hates her. This is mostly left undeveloped. Her brother is still a giant twerp who actively hopes Lisa is miserable in California so she will come back to Virginia and his incessant hovering. Don't worry though, kids. He only does it because he "loves" her! Really!

But mainly it's all about Carole stalking Ben. And Ben catches Carole stalking him, because she somehow discovers his address and goes there to discover his giant secret. He is not...whatever it is she thought he was. He is poor. He lives on a street with rusted cars and not absolutely perfect lawns and dogs leashed to trees with frayed rope. You guys! Carole is attracted to the kid living on the wrong side of the tracks. It would be so adorable if she hadn't staked out his house and accidentally gotten caught because she actually decided to park right in front of his house. Oh, Carole. You dope.

And then Fez dies and Ben tells Carole all that she wanted to know and Carole has the nerve to tell herself that she kind of suspected what was up with Ben. Carole, shut up. You totally didn't, otherwise you wouldn't have been having a minor conniption fit over every tiny thing he wasn't telling you which leads to what? He's poor and wants to go to college? How is this even minorly interesting, CAROLE?

Oh, and Callie did therapeutic riding or something and PC is an equine angel. And Lisa is probably having the time of her life in California, but she keeps downplaying it because she's probably afraid of her boyfriend. I would be.

And then everyone had a deep conversation and decided that life was hard. The end.

• That meant untacking, grooming, watering, and feeding the sweet horse that had just exerted so much effort for their friend. Oh my God, is this how this book is going to be on every single page? *thumbs through book* YES. YES IT IS.

• "As if Max, or anyone here, could possibly ignore the needs of any horse!" And then Stevie picked up her skirts and sashayed back to the estate to resume her embroidery!

• Ben would never, ever, under any circumstances, do anything that would hurt a horse. That's great, person who wrote this. I kind of got it now! The Saddle Club characters aren't, like, animal abusers. I think it's very clear. You can stop being annoyingly repetitive now that you have gotten to page 28.

• Apparently helping Ben is going to be Carole's own personal Saddle Club project. What the hell does that mean? Carole, shut up about the stupid club apparently no one cares about anymore and do your damn job.

• Oh, good. I'm glad to know Fez isn't in "constant pain." He's just "in pain a lot of the time."

• Pine Hollow keeps the barn key in its "more or less secret hiding place under the mat outside the office door." Where do these people live? Utopia?

• Why do I get the feeling that this author should be editing Martha Stewart Living? Oh, it's because she uses words like piquant and tableau. PIQUANT and TABLEAU.

• Wow, Emily is a little go getter: Callie is going to do all the work and she's going to get better, and that'll make me look brilliant. With this author, I cannot tell at all if she is kidding.

• You think of me as someone who helps around the stable, someone you can laugh with or maybe rely on or borrow money from sometimes. Look, look! Friendship defined!

• Do we really need to read about Carole opening junk mail? What is pertinent about this?

• Oh hell. If Lisa is coding the fact that she's spending lots of time with Skye Ransom in a post card she's sending to the barn, she needs to break up with her boyfriend.

• "She's all yours, for now." Alex's creepy possessiveness rears its ugly head. Isn't it so fabulously attractive, ladies?

• Carole watched Ben work, gentle and kind. The veins stood out on his strong hands... This, kids, is why The Trail Home is a YA book. Well, this and the Dawson's Creek conversations.

Wildfire: This show depends far too much on Mike's stupidity.

Wildfire
2.12: For Love or Money

I didn't think it was possible for the "Breeders' Invitational" drama to become more convoluted, yet it somehow does. Also, I'm really feeling some remorse with Chad...not because I care about him, of course. I just feel that I should have renamed this character Tor. Oh, then my repackaging of this show as a Thoroughbred adaptation would be perfect! Well, clearly it's not like I can't proclaim a do over and start calling him Tor, which I will now do. I mean, this is my retelling, and he is now Tor. Kerry = Chad = Tor. We all good? Okay! Moving forward...

I watched this days and days ago, so I'll just hit the main points of this episode:

1. There is yet more confusion over who is going to get Samantha's vote for the Breeders' Invitational. Eventually, Ashleigh decides that the most fair thing for Samantha to do is pick the winner of a match race between Wonder and Her Majesty. Samantha, for whatever reason, thinks this is fantastic.

2. However, because picking the winner of a match race would be far too simple for this show, Wonder (Belladonna) goes into labor, and not surprisingly no one is around to help deliver this foal. (I never understood why there are tons of extras in the background of this show doing totally random things like longing horses in courtyards and such only to disappear when they're actually needed...it forever confuses me.) Ashleigh is, literally, the only one left at the stable to help out and the nearest vet is two hours away helping Jean get over Charlie's refusal to talk to her (or something). Jean tells her to call Mike, because surely he is responsible! What does Mike do? He looks at his ringing phone, says, "Let me turn this off." and turns it off. *facepalm* This is expected, Mike. Why do you have to suck so much? So Ashleigh is stuck at Whitebrook, the match race has to be stalled because not only are there no hands to help with the mare, there are no hands to drive Wonder to the track.

3. Brad and Dani have to look after the horses at Townsend Acres by themselves, and the backbreaking work motivates Brad to sell his percentage of the farm. He sells it to Samantha, who basically says, "Yeah, sure. Whatever." to Dani's proposal. Brad receives a huge chunk of cash, proclaims he hasn't loved horses since he was like eight, and then experiences a painful epiphany when Ashleigh calls him and panics about Wonder. Brad, because he is so heartbreakingly awesome, rushes to Ashleigh's side and helps with the birth, discovers his love for horses still exists, and is only verbally abused by Dani when he decides to tell her this revelation.

4. Dani manipulates Samantha into believing that Ashleigh and Wonder simply aren't showing up for the race, and I mainly blame Mike for all of this. Stop being stupid, Mike! At the end of the episode, Dani realizes that Samantha is in a relationship with Mike, and Mike scurries after Samantha like the boy toy he really, really is.

5. Tor will do "anything" for Ashleigh, and that apparently means he is also willing to stoop to granting sexual favors because he calls Ashleigh from a bed, tells her Samantha will give Wonder her vote, and in the bed next to him is Samantha, peacefully sleeping. Clearly this goes bad quickly, because only an idiot would think that this plan would somehow work. Honestly, Tor, please crash your plane now so you can stop annoying me.

Next up is the Breeders' Invitational, blackmail, and emotional explosions from everyone!

Close Call: The book that made me love Parker.

Close Call
by Karle Dickerson
Thoroughbred #41
Published: 2000

It's probably impossible to review/recap this book after Claire's awesome entry on it last June, but here I am anyway.

I give this cover my stamp of approval, mainly because it reminds me a little of the older covers. You know, the covers that bothered to put effort into depicting tack even somewhat correctly.

Parker's Olympic dream is at risk...

Parker Townsend and Christina Reese haven't seen much of each other lately. Parker is competing in the Olympic trials in combined training and Christina is racing Thoroughbreds. When Parker meets Lyssa Hynde, things only get worse.

Lyssa, the daughter of a Montana rancher who rides her horse without a bit, has been winning everything and is fast becoming a celebrity. Christina instantly befriends Lyssa, eager to learn all her tricks. Parker's jealous of Lyssa, and it's affecting his riding. Will Parker let Lyssa ruin his shot at the Olympics?

I'm going to run through this fairly quickly, because I can't say much more than Claire already has. So if you want the full review, check out hers.

That said, here's my opinion on this book: WHAT. I think that sums it up. I have never loved Parker more, but that's mainly because he is the ONLY voice of reason in this book. Everyone else is too busy instantly accepting Lyssa, and then fawning all over her to a point of borderline worship. It's no wonder Parker begins to come a little loose at the seams. If I was shoved into this situation, I'm pretty sure I'd snap. I give Parker so many points for having to go through these ridiculous scenarios that he almost instantly became the most awesome character in this series. In fact, I'll just say it now: Parker is the most awesome character in this series after Brad.

So, now let's focus on Lyssa's awfulness. Not only do I smell mary sue, I am going to scream it from the hills. Mary sue! Kill it! Look, it's not that she just randomly walks up with her horse and is annoying. It's that the first thing she does is criticize Parker's dressage test, and she's right. First, you think bitch. Just who is she? Then she shows up to warm up her horse using only a wire slung around its neck, and you think grandstanding bitch! And it gets worse from there. Lyssa wins the first event, throwing Parker into turmoil. Her horse follows her around like a lovesick puppy, and then all human characters follow suit. Samantha suddenly starts to use Lyssa's training techniques, for Christ's sake. It just does not stop, and it gets increasingly strange, and every single time someone mentions how fantastic/inriguing Lyssa is you want to run over and give Parker a hug and/or smack Lyssa just for being there.

Of course, who steps in to force things back into normalcy? Brad. Thank you, Brad. All it takes is Brad's appearance at Whisperwood to tell his son that eventing is just randomly hauling about over logs (because Brad Townsend will go so out of his way to drive home his disappointment in someone that he will resort to taking a road trip to Whisperwood), and Lyssa's annoying mary sue inclination of being the only one who will stand up to him (thus giving Parker back his confidence, which she was doing such a fantastic job of draining away in the first place), to set things right.

So, mutual dislike for Brad and Lavinia put Parker and Lyssa on somewhat okay terms. Big event comes along, and to my eternal aggravation, Lyssa beats Parker again. But because Parker has learned something about teamwork or whatever this is totally okay! Today is the best day of his life, and he learned stuff from Lyssa that...sort of got him somewhere that remarkably resembles exactly where he was in the beginning of the story? And his parents are totally okay with this result! And they're totally okay with telling everyone he's going to the Olympics! A totally okay ending!

Can I just interject here and say that it is totally not okay! After all of this, to have Lyssa win again just annoys me. It doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy that Parker has grown and accepted whatever lesson he was forced to learn in this book. It just makes me want Lyssa to fall off her horse and get dragged into a pool of water just deep enough to drown her.

Also, this final exchange further makes me want Lyssa to meet an awful end:

Parker: I've learned so much from you.
Lyssa: Ah. So you finally admit it?
Parker: So what?
Lyssa: Well, if it's any consolation, I managed to learn something from you, too.

WHAT.

And those are my thoughts.

Other random points!

• In autumn, you cannot enter a horse in the Blue Grass Stakes. What's more, you can't even agonize about the Blue Grass Stakes because it's KIND OF IN APRIL, KARLE.

• Brad enjoys eating French toast and/or Eggs Benedict in the morning, and because Parker turns his nose up at this we instantly know that eating large portions of rich food is clearly evil. This begs the question of what is an acceptable breakfast food to our beloved main characters, and the answer is doughnuts.

• Parker attempts to go to school in jeans and sneakers (I suppose he forgot his shirt?) and Brad gives him a look, as well he should because Parker is obviously forgetting something. Brad is all, "My professors would never allow this!" Surely! And, on the off chance I'm supposed to just assume Parker put on a shirt, in what era did Brad go to college? This must be some crazy continuity issue, because I will forever believe Brad went to college in the 90s.

• Karle, thank you for confirming my suspicion that Brad went to an Ivy League school.

• You know, I know I'm supposed to laugh at Lyssa's story that someone might dare to show up for riding wearing "stockings and high heel sandals" but mainly I can't help thinking that this is a faux pas for all sorts of other reasons.

• It occurs to me that if these people think flatwork is boring, and whine about it constantly, perhaps they're in the wrong profession.

• I'm pretty sure that somewhere in here Samantha tells Parker to relax, by which she means "go make out or have sex with your girlfriend if that is where you are in your relationship." Christina is so not at that stage in their relationship, much to Parker's distress.

• Intriguingly, Dylan shows up in this book, if only briefly and always off screen.

So. That was a Thoroughbred book!

I spend all day waiting for the greatest two minutes.

With I Want Revenge scratched, the Kentucky Derby is down to nineteen runners. Who do you like, guys?

Here's to all of the brave horses!

Champions
1984

The thing that most astonishes me about this movie is that Kirstie Alley is involved. Seriously, the second her name appeared on the screen I had to blink and reconsider what I was about to watch.

So, if you're English or into steeplechasing in general, you might know about Bob Champion and/or Aldaniti. Since I am not English or all that much into steeplechasing, I don't know either. But then this movie came out when I was three, so whatever. Anyway, Bob Champion was a big amazing steeplechase jockey and Aldaniti was a big amazing steeplechaser. Right at the high point of his career, Bob is struck down with cancer. About three quarters of this movie is about Bob and cancer, so if you're squeamish you can just skim right through that. There's lots of groaning and and sweating and needles and dry heaving...but do not worry! Bob gets over it and moves into the last quarter of the movie, which is the fun part.

While he's trying to get back into shape, Aldaniti suffers what is considered a career ending injury himself. Only he miraculously recovers just in time to act as Bob's personal motivation. Bob and Aldaniti get better, find themselves in the Grand National, and this is a true story so you can guess the ending.

• At the beginning of the movie, Bob shows up in some Southern state in the U.S., where, as we've been shown previously, women are insatiable nymphomaniacs. He finds Kirstie Alley, a large animal vet who has one purpose: sleep with Bob so she can get a look at his testicles and inform him that he should probably get that swollen area checked out.

• Bob and Kirstie's deep connection amounts to: 1) Kirstie is massaging this horse, 2) Bob would like to be massaged, 3) Kirstie rolls her eyes, 4) inexplicably, Kirstie and Bob have sex and Bob gets his massage, 5) Kirstie says she feels safe with Bob because he's leaving, 6) Kirstie: When did that horse kick you? Bob: Three months ago in Stratford. Kirstie: Shakespeare! 7) Kirstie: You need to get that checked, like, now. 8) Two years later, Kirstie has been pining for Bob and he rejects her for Jo. Sorry, Kirstie. Southern girls are only around for cheap sex, not lasting relationships.
  

• Speaking of Jo, just who does she think she is? Bob needs help, you guys. He's not as strong as he used to be, and really needs love and support and a spotter when he works out. Jo, being the selfish girl she is, has elected to better herself while he's been away in America rejecting Kirstie, and decides to take business classes. Bob is suitably unimpressed. She should, like, totally not do that because it's a waste of time and money when she could be spotting him when he works out!

• During his cancer, Bob is taking a break at his sister's and watching his niece jump her pony. Little niece asks him what he thinks and he tells her the pony is leaving her behind and she's all "That isn't polite, is it?! Tell me I'm good!" Bob sticks to his principles, but I think this girl is a Cindy character waiting to happen.
  

• Aldaniti plays himself in this movie, which I find extremely impressive.

• I watched this on an HD television that makes horse racing look like the most impressive sport that ever existed, so maybe it's just the television that made me sit in awe of the Grand National scene, but that race was intense. At one point, the whole scene goes into slow motion and these horses are literally flying across the screen. Everyone says Seabiscuit somehow revolutionized how horse racing is filmed, but I'm pretty sure this movie makes Seabiscuit look tame.

• At the same time, if you'd rather not watch lots of horses and jockeys falling, this movie may not be for you. Also, if you don't like small children yelling "yay!" this movie might not be for you.
  

Well, I liked the end of it. The first half was easily not entertaining. For those interested in watching it, but not interested in putting forth effort to get it, it's on YouTube. Here's the Grand National scene (although not as awesome, because it's been reformatted).

Pretty Woman isn't that entertaining, okay?

Wildfire
2.11: Who Are You

I'm glad to see everyone is falling back into their former roles in this episode. Brad is wealthy, Mike is insecure yet somehow attractive to older women, Ashleigh will do anything for Wonder, Ian is cheap and far too dramatic, Dani is manipulative, Jean wears pants that are too tight, and Ashleigh makes poor relationship choices.

Brad and Dani are holding the annual Townsend charity event, because to not hold the charity event would appear weak. All of the most fabulous will be there, dancing the foxtrot and such things, and because the Breeders' Invitational is an invitational in the truest sense of the word, Chad decides that Ashleigh should go and sweet talk Samantha McLean into casting her super shiny vote for Wonder instead of, say, Her Majesty. But Ashleigh does not know how to foxtrot! Nor does she know how to eat dessert when in the presence of rich people! And she wears tank tops over long sleeved tops! Clearly this means we need to reenact Pretty Woman. And we do. Oh...we do. If I knew how to vid, I would take this scene...

Chad: Don't slouch. Good posture shows confidence.
Ashleigh: I'm not slouching.
Chad: Yes. You are.

... and loop it over and over, because it's hilarious. Anyway, Chad informs Ashleigh of the "outside in" rule, and Ashleigh does her very best Julia Roberts impression. And then he buys her a spiffy dress and teaches her how to dance. Seriously, this went on way too long, and I really hated Chad by the end of it.

Meanwhile, Dani is going through a similar situation with Brad, only it is more along the lines of: "distract Samantha with your charming ways and get her vote for Her Majesty." And Brad rolls his eyes.

At the party, everyone foxtrots to...maybe Swan Lake? (And is it weird that I only know Swan Lake from this cartoon that I cannot believe I have memorized for some reason?) Ashleigh gets there and everyone is staring at her because she looks awesome in red and she's there with Mike as a pity date because no one his age likes him. Brad stares longingly at her before being distracted by some blond girl I will call Melinda. (Also, is it weird that all of his brief flings are blond? Why does this show always fall perfectly in sync with Thoroughbred? Why?) Melinda is in a female band called The Victims, and she's a little torn about this, but not enough, and Brad doesn't care, just for the record.

Eventually Ashleigh runs into Samantha in the bathroom, but she doesn't realize it's Samantha and predictably blurts out that she's supposed to kiss Samantha's ass for the benefit of her horse. Samantha says nothing, just complains about her ex-boyfriend. *coughforeshadowingcough* And then Samantha, for reasons I cannot begin to explain, falls in love with Mike despite this fantastic line that he blurts out upon her asking him to dance:

"Me? Uh, I um, I'm broke, I live with my mother, and my dad's a con man."

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

And Ian knows how to tango? And maybe how to swing dance? And he actually cracked a smile? And no one almost died as a result?

So, as it turns out Samantha was dating Chad, who broke up with her via voicemail. Samantha rejects Brad in favor of Mike (which means she also makes poor relationship decisions), but it means Brad and Ashleigh get to dance together and have fun and are oozing awesomeness all over the place, which Chad immediately picks up on because he sucks and can't allow that much awesomeness to exist on a fundamental level, so he cuts in and everything takes a nosedive shortly after.

Melinda rejects Brad because he is "land wealthy, money poor," the charity becomes a rush of creditors, Ashleigh doesn't get Samantha's vote because everyone walks in on Ashleigh making out with Chad, who is...an awful human being who breaks up with people on voicemail! How dare he!

So Samantha goes with Her Majesty and Ashleigh is left to rue the day she ever decided to pay attention to the .o1% of her that is attracted to Chad.

I am going to be so busy this year...

Lots of stuff to look forward to, guys! Take a look:

• Fans of Alison Hart's Shadow Horse can rest easy -- a sequel, entitled Whirlwind, is in the works and scheduled for release next year.

• Chris Platt also has a new book -- Storm Chaser -- set for release on October 1. No summary yet, but by the looks of the cover I wouldn't be surprised if this is somehow related to Moon Shadow.

• Bug Boy by Eric Luper: It is the summer of 1934, and even at the height of the Great Depression, money is no object for the socialites at posh Saratoga Race Course. The trouble is times are tough for everyone else, especially penniless track workers like fifteenyear- old Jack Walsh. When Jack suddenly graduates from exercise rider to apprentice jockey, or bug boy, he is an overnight sensation. Success brings him all sorts of attention, including that of a brainy blond beauty who is more involved with the gritty underbelly of the track than she lets on and a vicious thug who presses Jack to break his code as a jockey for a payoff that could solve all his family’s problems. Set amid the rough backstretch of Thoroughbred racing, this edge-of-your-saddle read follows the course of a young athlete whose rise to glory in the most popular sport in America is accompanied by ever-increasing pressure to do something that could leave him trampled in the dirt. (July 21)

• Wild Girl by Patricia Reilly Giff: Lidie lives in Jales, Brazil, where she’s free to ride, to be a wild girl, and to dream of going to live with her father and older brother, Rafael, in New York City. Finally Lidie is 12—time to leave Brazil for New York. Meanwhile, a filly is born and begins her journey to a new home. As Lidie’s story unfolds, so does the filly’s. Lidie’s father runs a stable at a famous race track, and Rafael is training to be a jockey. As much as they want to make Lidie feel welcome, they still think of her as the little girl they left behind. They don’t even know what a strong rider she is, and that she’s determined to befriend and ride the wild filly her father has just bought: Wild Girl. (September 2009)

• The Silver Brumby Series by Elyne Mitchell finally arrives as what looks like a giant omnibus in June. I have a feeling this will be an audio book.

• Homestretch by Paul Volponi: A runaway boy with nothing finds everything he needs, including a family, in the most unlikely of places--at a racetrack. (September 22)

• The Golden Filly by Lauraine Snelling is being republished as two collections. (Oct. 1)

• The Georges and the Jewels by Jane Smiley: Jane Smiley makes her debut for young readers in this stirring novel set on a California horse ranch in the 1960s. Seventh-grader Abby Lovitt has always been more at ease with horses than with people. Her father insists they call all the mares “Jewel” and all the geldings “George” and warns Abby not to get attached: the horses are there to be sold. But with all the stress at school (the Big Four have turned against Abby and her friends) and home (her brother Danny is gone—for good, it seems—and now Daddy won’t speak his name), Abby seeks refuge with the Georges and the Jewels. But there’s one gelding on her family’s farm that gives her no end of trouble: the horse who won’t meet her gaze, the horse who bucks her right off every chance he gets, the horse her father makes her ride and train, every day. She calls him the Ornery George. (September 8)