Samantha's Journey is a long, boring road full of potholes

Samantha's Journey
Thoroughbred Super Edition
by Karen Bentley
Published: 1997

So I know what you're thinking. First off, it's probably "Where are the posts?" I totally understand and I offer two extremely weak explanations (at least, for me): Breaking Dawn happened and I had to attempt to read it and fail, and I became thoroughly obsessed with Guy/Marian from BBC's Robin Hood, which I find creepy because I've only watched three episodes, and he kinda sorta kills her in one of them. I don't know if this should indicate something to me or not...but I'm going to lean toward not being disturbed by this. Because I am drawn to somewhat-unrequited-but-not-really sexual tension above all else, it appears (and tall, dark and handsome morally ambiguous men, but we already knew that). And yes, this means I've been reading fan fic...which I haven't done for a while so don't judge me.

And now, back to the task at hand.


Yeah, I decided I didn't quite get enough of Karen Bentley. Actually, no, that's not true. I was going to read A Home For Melanie, but then this book came along and then I got all sidetracked with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome Who Isn't Brad Townsend and wow...that was a long journey. Anyway, so here we are. Another super edition I haven't read. It's not a horrible cover, except for the fact that I'm pretty sure that is a denim shirt. Thankfully there is no denim jacket to complete this outfit of evil. Plus, who rides their horse to a cemetery these days? Whatever. The horse, at least, looks good.

Haunted by the past...

Samantha McLean has a terrible scare when she sees Cindy, her adoptive sister, fall over Whitebrook's track rail during a workout. Cindy's accident is frighteningly similar to the one that caused Samantha's mother's death years earlier.

Cindy's accident brings forth a flood of troubling memories for Samantha. She begins reliving the traumatic years which followed her mother's death - a difficult time when she and her father, Ian McLean, traveled aimlessly across the country in search of a place where they could rebuild their lives. Will Samantha rediscover happiness at Whitebrook Farm? Or will she be tormented forever by the tragedies of her past?

Isn't it weird how a supposedly healed trauma just up and becomes an unforeseen issue resulting in a super edition? Also, what is up with the blue, red and pink color scheme of this book? It is horrible. Red text on a pink background is not acceptable. Even in 1997.

The prologue starts out in Whitebrookland, where the squirrels and the birds sing merry songs and Samantha dances around in her amazing storybook forest that smells like rhododendrons and violets. All she's missing is a poofy pink dress and a speaking unicorn with a rainbow-colored horn. Why is it such a great day? Well, it's not because she's found her true love or anything. No, Samantha is an independent female and is thrilled because she's just been offered the formal job title of assistant trainer at Whitebrook Farm. Call me unenthused if you will, but I kinda sorta already thought that was what she was doing. Nevertheless, Samantha's off hugging herself when Tor comes along to turn her independent womanhood into domestic subservience and asks her to marry him. Wow, things just could not get better!

Completely knocked over that her life is now more thrilling than it was previously, Samantha hauls Tor down to the training oval so they can share the news. Only then Cindy has to go fall off of Honor and Samantha has to have a flashback and run away. Like the suddenly irresponsible and delicate girl she never really was but now kind of is. Cindy may or may not be dead (that Samantha knows about...I mean, she runs off to the broodmare barn...who does that?) and that means that Samantha's life will never be fun and thrilling and full of love ever again. What does she do about this? She cries in the barn. Yeah, shocking. Didn't see that coming at all.

Now we're required to jump back in time to when Samantha was twelve and her life was super freaking fantastic. Her mom, Suzanne, is awesome. Her dad, Ian, is supposedly awesome but Samantha isn't really too sure because she spends every waking moment with her mom. And you know who else is awesome? Gulfstream Waves...the horse with horrible luck in names. Gulfstream Waves is a former claimer turned stakes horse, which means he is now more loved than any other horse in the barn. Except for Miracle Worker, who is a claimer and is loved by Samantha despite this horrible fact. Gulfstream is basically Suzanne's special horse, and is going to run in the Donn and make Ian and Suzanne filthy rich and will somehow finance an entire farm that has been their dream for ages. I continue to not understand how this is possible...it's not like a $400,000 purse goes straight to the trainer and even if it did I'm pretty damn sure a farm in Florida is going to cost way more than what Ian, with his five claimers and one claimer turned possible Grade I winner, can finance realistically. Considering they live in a mobile home and all. Honestly.

Well, whatever, because Gulfstream Waves is the perfect not so perfect horse and he wins the Donn anyway, this means Samantha is so close to owning a Triple Crown winner and getting a baby sister that she can practically taste it. But then Gulfstream Waves has to go remind everyone that he was a claimer (and therefore was abused, because all claimers who are not trained by Ian McLean are abused) and he goes crazy on Suzanne and Samantha thinks she'll help out but just manages to get in the way and accidentally causes her mom to go through the rail and break her neck or something. I find it interesting that this role Samantha has in her mom's death isn't immediately dragged out into the light of day...but it isn't. Gulfstream dies, her mom dies, and Ian immediately has an apoplexy about Samantha being within five yards of a horse that may or may not go crazy at a drop of a hat.

Once Suzanne dies, Ian goes a little off the handle and I suppose that means he's no longer financially sound either because that whole farm dream goes up into smoke and before you know it they're moving to Oklahoma City. Then they move to L.A. Then to Del Mar, Long Island, Finger Lakes, and then to Townsend Acres. I could get into the actual plot, which is they keep moving and Samantha keeps having issues with trying to keep her promises to her father so she won't be shoved off to live with her grandparents, but it was too boring and recapping it would be rather pointless. Anyway, it's essentially the same thing over and over. Samantha moves, finds a horse that needs her magical help, and then she has to move again. Occasionally she has friends, occasionally she doesn't. Occasionally everyone at school thinks she's either a misunderstood brat or a scrubby track kid they can torment for fun. This all lands her at Townsend Acres after about a year of wandering around the country, where she proceeds to act like a very repressed fan girl at the sight of Ashleigh Griffen, Charlie Burke and the handsome Mike Reese. And then we have a repeat of Ashleigh's Dream while Wonder's Pride stares all knowingly at Samantha. Because, as we all know, Wonder's Pride is not only perfect, he can see into the future.

Skipping back into our current time, Tor finds Samantha in the stall and convinces her that all is well and requests a kiss. Samantha complies. Fans of Thoroughbred groan and roll their eyes.

• "I'll train so many different types of horses," Samantha murmured. Oh, really, Sammy? As a thoroughbred racehorse assistant trainer these different "types" would be what, exactly?

• "Finding the next Kentucky Derby winner in an overlooked colt will be my specialty!" Just kill me with a blunt spoon now, so I can savor the pain.

• Do you know, just in general, how lame Tor's proposal is? In short: "I have news!" "Well, so do I!" "Great, you tell me your fantastic news first!" "No, I insist! You tell me your fantastical news!" "Okay! Why don't you marry me!" (This is news?) "Why, gosh, let me debate for a second if this is a dream...wait, I think I am in fact not dreaming! But wait, I need to hesitate for about ten seconds so I can give my future husband a heart attack. (...) Yes, I will marry you because you are blond and like horses, which is of the utmost importance!" "Yay! Let us carry the news to the rest of our equally perfect co-workers and friends and general townsfolk!" Yay! What is THAT?

• Wow, just how fast did that ambulance arrive?

• Even though the four-year-old colt was a claimer -- a horse who ran in the bottom ranks of racing -- Samantha wasn't taking any chances on having him run away with her. This sentence suggests that not only do claimers tend to not "run out" as much as stakes horses, but that people don't really care if and when they do go berserk on anyone.

• Samantha knew that with her red hair and green eyes, she looked like her mother. Oh yeah? That's fascinating, Samantha. Please, tell us when you first "knew" about this ever so important fact?

• Galloping ahead, Samantha saw her mother... This suggests that Samantha is galloping ahead of her mother when it's the other way around. Is it so difficult to expect an editor to be able to write, or is this asking too much?

• Miracle wasn't in Gulfstream's class as a racehorse, but Samantha loved him anyway. This sentence speaks volumes of the Thoroughbred mindset, I think. That, and apparently it's much easier to love stakes horses.

• "Gulfstream's really wired." I think at this point Karen Bentley must have had a race scene outline pinned above her head in her office, and this line was required for all pre-race dialogue.

• I have a feeling even the most dense of traumatized twelve-year-olds would be able to recognize a dead body when they run right up to one and stare at it. Also..."Samantha, your mother is dead." Look, Ian, I love your blunt informative sentences most of the time, but that was poorly done.

• Samantha's never seen a mockingbird at age twelve? What is she? Blind?

• Random fact about Ian: He can drive for twenty hours straight. By himself. He is a man of steel.

• I'm torn between finding Samantha clutching her mother's boot either sweet or remarkably silly. At least, when she starts talking to this single boot...it is remarkably silly. Good job, Bentley. Good job.

• She realized she'd expected the Remington track to be second-rate after Gulfstream. Yeah, unfortunately, you know, it is second-rate after Gulfstream.

• So Samantha is shunned by the kids at her new school because she's wearing rancher clothing, or something to that effect. Just to be clear, she lives in OKLAHOMA CITY which is located in OKLAHOMA where it is FILLED WITH DUST and RANCHES. Where did she live previously? Miami. Are we supposed to believe that Oklahoma City has something on Miami in terms of fashion that we're not aware of? This feels like some sort of fashion Twilight Zone.

• Anyone notice how all of the main horses in this book win? Anyone?

• At the end, after Samantha visits her mom's grave, we get this weird discussion with her dad about how she's always blamed herself for getting in the way and causing Suzanne to go through the rail. And apparently Samantha was also pissed at Gulfstream for this? What? Wow, did none of that ever come up previously. Nicely done, Karen. It wouldn't be a Bentley book if the characters didn't suddenly state that they're over their inner turmoil over something no one was all that aware they were angsting over to begin with.

One thing that strikes me about this book is how it's basically the same chapter over and over and over again. Samantha moves. Samantha whines to herself. Samantha finds a horse she can secretly cherish. Samantha moves again. There was other stuff in there, but mainly I was bored by the amazing rate of repetition and am therefore going to ignore this book and move on to A Home For Melanie. Finally.

(Want more? Claire's review is here.)

What do horses and virginity have in common? Nothing.

Flying Changes
by Lynn Hall
Published: 1991

I swear I am going to get to A Home For Melanie soon. My library is failing me. Perhaps I will just have to skip it and move on to Cassidy's Secret, which just sits with all the other books, looking all enticing with its horrible cover. Yet, I am inclined to read them in order. Why do I have this horrible inability to skip books? It's not like I can't backtrack, for Christ's sake.

Well, in the meantime I am going to review this.

Denny had never known life could be so complicated. She has spent most of her seventeen years living happily with Gramma B., seeing her father, Doe, during his breaks from the rodeo circuit. Then Tyler, Doe's young roping partner, stays at the ranch for a while, leaving Denny wildly but uncertainly in love. While Denny is sorting out her feelings, she and Gram receive the disturbing news that Doe has been seriously injured in a rodeo accident, and Denny's long-absent mother, Rita, insists on rejoining the family and taking care of her "poor, crippled husband." As Denny struggles with love and loyalty, she is also attempting to ease the family's financial straits by training a star roping horse for a wealthy buyer. The much needed sale depends on the tricky flying lead change, and there is only one anxious week for the horse to learn the skill. As difficult as that may be, the sudden flying changes in Denny's own life may be even harder to master.

The book's summary is rather ho-hum, don't you think? I much prefer the School Library Journal's synopsis:

The versatile Hall presents an earthy, first-person narrative for her more mature fans. Denny, 17, thrives in an unorthodox Kansas family. Gramma B. runs the household till rodeoin' Daddy's injured and his prodigal wife (Denny's mom, Rita) returns to take her revenge. The story's theme is relationships between men and women, and how they shift from love to resentment. Denny herself is caught in the shift when she lusts after a sexy cowboy who loves her and leaves her. While coming to terms with her feelings, she busies herself with training a young horse. The horse's problem with flying lead changes gives the book its title and symbolizes the shaky foundations of love--Denny's, Gramma's, Daddy's, and Rita's.

That's the synopsis that convinced me to read this book. Prodigal wife come to wreak havoc on her "rodeoin'," yet injured, husband? Lusting after a sexy cowboy who's at the center of a love her and leave her plot? Well, I'll happily read that. It has a tortured soap opera feel to it, which is entirely off and completely not what the book is about at all. Despite that, it definitely reeled me in. I blame this on the fact that I can actually remember when Bo and Hope of Days of our Lives sailed off on Fancy Face for their round the world excursion in 1987. When I was six. Six-ish. I could have been five.

Well, anyway. Denny, who has a very unfortunate name, is from Kansas. Which I actually didn't really pick up on from the book, but there you have it. Kansas. Where it is dusty and windy and dry and monotonous. I've driven through Kansas...and that's all I've really got to say about it. Which I think is a favorable opinion, really. So, Denny is seventeen and working on this pretty little filly that just has a mental block about doing a flying lead change without stumbling all over herself and nearly falling down. Sun B-Q is her name, by Denny's father's stud, Bar B-Q. Tyler (the sexy cowboy) has a mare called Suzie B-Q (which I find adorable for some reason). I guess these are quarter horses, otherwise these names would make little sense to me. So anyway, Sunny hasn't been figuring out the flying lead change, despite nearly a month of training, and she's got an interested buyer and a price tag of $3,500...if Denny can get her to do this lead change. The buyer will be there in a week, and if the filly performs, Denny gets a nice fat check and the satisfaction of a job well done.

Denny is an extremely likable character. A HUGE change for me in the history of this blog. She's been through her loving a horse to death phase when her horse, Arrow, died of colic about a year previous, and is now officially learning the ropes of adulthood by training up these horses for her father so she can sell them for large chunks of money. Oh, and also? She sort of slept with Tyler and lost her virginity and is feeling a little conflicted because she knew it was probably a mistake that just compounds itself when Tyler starts to wave around his true colors and high tails it out of the ranch and back to the rodeo circuit so he can start earning some cash and sleep with all the dirty rodeo groupies.

This, of course, everyone saw coming. Even Denny. She first met Tyler a year and a half ago, when her father carried him into the house because he was drunk and unconscious. Nice. Only he's really pretty. Like...Shoshone/Irish/Norwegian pretty. And he somehow has dark blond hair that shades into black without the aid of dye. I don't understand that, but Tyler somehow manages it. Tyler is her dad's roping partner, and Denny sort of falls into this giant crush that goes nowhere until Suzie B-Q gets injured and Tyler wanders back to the ranch for a month to wait for the mare to heal up and try to train a new horse just in case she doesn't heal fast enough for the championship whatsitcalled or something. Her dad is still on the circuit, leaving Tyler to play with whatever he wants. Denny allows this because she's fallen in love/lust with his awesome hotness. Can't blame her, really. Only then Tyler leaves and she's all frustrated and pissed off at herself for still sort of being in love with him.

Then Denny's dad has to go break his back because he drunkenly climbed onto the bucking stalls at the rodeo in order to hang a bra from a giant clock. Denny's dad is, shall we say, an immature jackass. Only you sort of like him despite his jackassery. He goes to rodeos and sleeps with the groupies and Denny was a product of one of these unions, forcing him to marry a groupie that he was never faithful to, causing all sorts of bitterness. This is Rita. Who has been long absent. He calls up Rita, probably during the middle of a morphine-induced fog of confusion, and asks for help. So Rita shows up in Kansas, causing all sorts of turmoil with Gramma B., who moves out.

Eventually Denny's dad gets to come home from the hospital, and he's paralyzed from the waist down. Denny worries a bit about money and about how Sunny is still being as clumsy as humanly possible. Only they have this saddle store that Rita is in the midst of converting into a full out western wear shop with her little dog grooming business in the back, and is suddenly making money. So hey, who knew. These people actually can be successful, even if Rita has her heart set on sleeping with every man with a working penis just to piss off Denny's dad. Whoring yourself out is the best revenge. I guess.

Anyway, in the midst of all this are nice little discussions between Denny and her grandmother, best friend (Sue), mother, and father. There's even one talk that strikes a chord between Denny and her father's best friend, Hoyt. All which reassure Denny about who she is and help her get over Tyler, who is, yes, a complete jackass. Sexy, sure, but Brad Townsend he is not. (I mean, who possibly could be?) So, coming down to the end, Denny meets the buyer and rides Sunny for him, and Sunny seems to have ironed out all her kinks because she's feeling pretty feisty and happy that morning for her audience, and manages the flying lead change. The buyer is pleased, tries her out for himself, and leaves with a horse. Denny has her $3,500, gets to pay her father's medical expenses, and everything looks like it's going to work out. Also, Tyler? Tyler who? Nice, Denny. It's only a week later, I think you remember his last name, but your new found confidence is satisfying.

• My biggest gripe: the book takes place over one week. I just don't see this as a realistic time frame for getting over the guy you're supposedly in love with and gave your virginity to. Unless Denny is super composed, which she really isn't. She's got a lot of self-doubt raging inside of her. She's got a pretty stiff upper lip, though. Maybe it's believable, but I would have liked to see this book be a little longer and over a longer span of time.

• Denny's parents. Rita tells Denny's dad basically that she's come back to help out, although really she's just going to irritate the his pride by flirting and/or sleeping with every man she comes into contact with. There's nothing built on this except for a conversation between Gramma B. and Denny regarding how Denny's parents are basically children and will probably figure it out eventually. This wasn't too hot. I expected more.

• I loved Denny's friendship with Sue. Sue isn't into horses. In fact, she's all in love with swimming. Yet there's this nice scene where Denny informs us all about the time when Sue's cat died and then Arrow died so the two decided to do just what they did with Sue's cat and dug a giant hole to bury Arrow in, so they had blisters on their hands for two weeks. I just liked that.

• Not a huge book about horses, exactly. The horses are there, but this isn't an "ohmigosh what would I ever do without Insert Horse Name Here?!" book. Denny doesn't fall in love with Sunny. She sells Sunny. Which is fine with me.
  

Okay, so I really liked this book. It's not exactly perfect, but it's a solid young adult read. So I'm going to stop talking about it now. Good. Perhaps I'll get a Thoroughbred book reviewed next.

No Small Thing, Blah Blah Blah

No Small Thing
by Natale Ghent
Published: 2005

I picked this up a while back and just now got around to reading it. No Small Thing was short-listed for the Canadian Library Association's Book of the Year and the Rocky Mountain Book Award, so I guess this is what's called a quality horse book. Well, a quality horse book aimed to the 9-12 crowd in any case.

When twelve-year-old Nathaniel and his sisters, Cid and Queenie, discover an ad for a free pony, they can hardly believe their luck. But how will they afford to take care of it? And what will their struggling single mother say? Amazingly, she says yes. And so begins a year of discovery for Nat, who must deal with his father's absence, look out for Queenie, who is "different," and sort out his feelings about a rich, pretty girl at school. Life isn't easy, but Nat knows he has his very own pony waiting for him at the end of every day. Until a fire destroys the barn....

This is another one of those first-person stories told from the male perspective. Which is fine, really, and would be great if not for the fact that Nat is superbly dull. Granted, I didn't expect this to be a Judy Blume novel or anything, but honestly we've got a twelve-year-old kid who, upon being bestowed with his first kiss, starts to fantasize about marriage and babies? What? Well, we'll get to that later.

The novel starts out with the ad for the free pony. Nat and his sisters, Cid and Queenie, had ponies previously back when their life was splendid and the picture of domestic bliss. But that was before. When they lived in Illinois. I think. But then they moved to Ontario and their dad left and now their mom makes almost no money and they never have new jeans to wear. These people sound like prime candidates for pony ownership, don't you think?

When they see the pony they practically fall upon it like the pony-starved children they are. The people who are giving it away couldn't get their own kids interested in it, so Nat takes Queenie's bridle (she asked for a bridle one year, and thus got a bridle...despite not owning a horse at the time) and puts it on the pony and off they go. Oh, I should also mention that this pony is pretty much just how it looks on the cover, its name is Smokey and it is a stallion. That's right. A stallion.

They walk Smokey off back to town and once they are far enough down the road they start to ride it. Bareback. Without helmets. Once they stick little 8-year-old Queenie up there you just know something horrible is going to happen. I mean, really, this is just too obvious. So what happens, you may ask? A giant dog comes out of nowhere and attacks them. Bet you didn't see that happening, right? Well, either way, something was going to happen and Queenie falls off and everyone tries to kick this dog and Smokey runs away, but comes back. Only Queenie breaks her collarbone, which means their mother is going to have to know about this pony thing. So they stick Smokey in an extremely cheap nearby boarding stable and go home, where Nat's mom proceeds to slap him around before whisking Queenie off to the hospital. When she comes back she demands that Nat take the pony back, and he erupts into one of his "i hate you!" fits and runs away. To the barn. And because his mom is all shocked and dismayed that her son blames her for his lot in life, she lets him keep the pony so long as he keeps paying for it out of his paper route money.

But then one of the other boarders gets all snippy because Smokey is a stallion. Smokey is the most pleasant stallion around, but the other boarder won't have it and Nat glumly decides to cut off Smokey's balls. Poor, poor Smokey. Nat certainly disapproves of this, because he wouldn't want his balls cut off, after all. No, really. So they spend the rest of his money on gelding Smokey and Nat worries about whether or not Smokey will be the same. Of course, he's still the same. They proceed to ride him around bareback without helmets and then come up with this method of driving him around by attaching twine to his halter and making him drag their sled and if this sounds like some teenybopper fantasy, then it really is.

Eventually Nat probably starts having wet dreams about this girl named Cheryl, who gets all excited about Smokey. But this is not a Judy Blume book, so Nat bottles these feelings down deep and thinks about Cheryl's tight sweater and about how wonderful it will be when she's carrying his children or something to that effect. Cheryl kisses Nat, provoking all of these domestic feelings, but Cheryl is unfortunately rich and cannot be seen with Nat and inexplicably decides to start seeing this high school boy who can drive although she's only 13, so ew. Nat is suitably crushed, so he can stop worrying about his appearance and focus on how Smokey is living in sub par conditions. The owner of the barn has a horse he doesn't really take care of, so during a blizzard he really doesn't take care of the horse and this means a beam has to fall on said horse and break its neck.

This makes every other boarder leave the stable except for Nat and Smokey, because he can't afford to go anywhere else. Poor people, after all, can't be choosers. So he just waits around until the barn goes up into flames. Smokey is okay, but the barn is done. The owner of the barn suggests that they sell Smokey to these rich people who want to enter Smokey in some pony shows or whatnot. Now, I will try to completely ignore the fact that this drunkard guy with the worst stable in the city knows well-to-do people well enough to suggest a horse for their precious snobby boy to buy, but...no, I can't ignore that. Like hell the guy who's hardly been around in the novel is suddenly going to pop up and tell Nat that his rich friends want to buy his pony. Right. Anyway, right about here Nat's mom tells the kids that she has to sell the house. She can't pay her electricity bill, and has $5 in her account at one point that she spent on a Christmas tree, so the house has got to go. Nat and Cid freak out on her, but eventually come to their senses and decide to sell Smokey.

Only the snobby boy comes to pick Smokey up and Nat can't do it. He rides off on Smokey and fantasizes some more about living on the land with his sparkling fairy pony. Then a police cruiser finds him and he tries to outrun the cruiser and nearly runs over an old lady before being cornered and told that he has to, you know, go home. He goes home, and his mom tells him he can keep Smokey because the money they'll get from the house will cover his expenses. Although, given that I just sold a house, methinks someone is incredibly short sighted.

Thrilled that he can keep Smokey, Nat goes and takes a bath and ponders the meaning of the universe. Not surprisingly, Smokey is the center of the universe.

• So, who is really sick of the we're-poor-but-we-can-keep-a-pony/horse-no-problem! plot? The whole point of No Small Thing is that Smokey is NO SMALL THING. He's big and important and should be difficult to take care of when you have $5 TOTAL. Then again, if you only have $5, methinks you probably shouldn't have a mortgage.
  

• At the end, Nat just goes and takes a bath. No one stops to think about how they're going to pay for this pony's upkeep until the house is sold and they'll suddenly have this surplus of cash. Where is Smokey going to live? Their back yard?

Well, whatever. The biggest issue with this book is that very little seems to happen. Although, I will always be amused with Nat being all dismayed because he has to geld Smokey. That was pretty entertaining. The rest was a bit overblown, in my opinion.

Bonnie and the Haunted Farm, or Why Dogs and Stepsisters are Evil

Bonnie and the Haunted Farm
by Barbara van Tuyl
Published: 1974

If you're wondering to yourself if this book was published in October right in time for the holidays, then you would be completely correct. Yeah, it seems rather silly, but I'm not kidding. October 1974. I guess someone at Signet thought horse crazy girls everywhere would finish up their trick or treating and then read this book by flashlight in their darkened room because this book has it all: insane asylums, ghosts, murder...even implied incest! Yes, truly this was the Halloween book to buy in 1974.

Accidents, or evil?

When young trainer Monty Everett presented Julie with a new stallion, Cache, Julie's happiness seemed complete. Bonnie, her champion racer, was soon to be a mother, and now she had a second horse to call her own. Between training Cache, worrying over Bonnie, and befriending handsome Dirk Markham and his sister Alexis, the new owners of Croydon Farm, Julie found her days filled with excitement.

And then accidents started happening at Croydon: Julie was hurt in an inexplicable fall, Cache was injured, and Julie had to spend a terror-filled evening at Croydon, with only the ghost of its tragic past for company. Coincidence or campaign of terror? Was someone trying to scare Julie away from the Markhams and Croydon Farm? Julie could not know the danger her quest for answers would bring to her and her prized Sunbonnet....

This blurb is in the past tense, which for some reason really annoys me. It's like someone decided to treat it like a book report instead of a summary intended to sell copies of this book. Plus, Dirk Markham? What is this, Harlequin Romance all of a sudden? Julie gives Ashleigh Griffen herself a run for her money in regards to acting completely and irritatingly innocent, and we're going to throw a DIRK in her direction? This just seems extremely wrong to me.

Well, whatever. Dirk or no Dirk, Julie's nineteen now and she's going to have to learn about the wonders of sex somehow. If Monty doesn't get around to it eventually, Dirk is ready and willing. However, I'm getting ahead of myself. We haven't even met Dirk yet. Dirk. God, what the hell? For sanity's sake, I wandered over to www.babynames.com and discovered it's a German form of Derek meaning Famous Ruler, and that still doesn't help.

This book opens up with Julie going all crazy about this girl called Lisa Marsden. Apparently Deepwater or Fieldstone Farm (I am pretty sure this book takes place at Fieldstone Farm, Deepwater's breeding farm, but I can never be sure who's supposed to be where and why...it is very confusing) broke her horse for her because her horse is persnickety when it comes to bridles. Julie is all excited because Lisa is going to ride this horse in a show and yay, oh yay, let's all go and see this horse. Leon Pitt agrees, but not before Julie sees his newspaper and discovers that Croydon Farm has been sold. Croydon Farm is the neighboring farm that's been uninhabited for something like a decade because all these horrible things happened and Leon immediately delves into it because it's important to set the scene. Leon tells Julie that this young couple bought the farm and their kid managed to drown in a pond on the property. If this wasn't bad enough, the couple decides to adopt this orphan who winds up taking an ax to their heads when he's a teenager. Everyone is appropriately stunned and so the kid confesses to his best friend and is pronounced quite crazy and shuffled off into some state hospital where he's destined for shock therapy and padded walls.

Therefore Croydon Farm is evil. Moving on to the show. Julie meets up with Lisa, who's only purpose seems to be discussing why Monty and Julie aren't having sex. Only this is 1974, so she's asking why they aren't married already. Julie is embarrassed and tries to hide the fact that she's blushing and not thinking about having sex with Monty because oh my God she is 19 and he is 23 and what is the world coming to? Well, whatever, because she gets home from the show and there's Monty, complete with a new horse just for her. So she loses it and kisses him (which might be their first kiss, but then it might not be because the book is playing around with this relationship to the point of absurdity and Barbara van Tuyl is apparently extremely coy) and Monty is all pleased. The horse is a gray stallion...yeah, it's Cache. With a ch and not an sh, but Julie does not care so for all we know she spells it Cash.

Anyway, while Monty is home from the track we have to take advantage of this situation. The new neighbors arrive and Leon or Stash or someone tells Julie to bring a welcome basket over. Because that there's a woman's work. Julie drags Monty along with her because she's scared of the place and doesn't know what to expect. Apparently she wasn't expecting Paul Newman to answer the door, but believe me when I say that Monty is really annoyed about it. Dirk Markham is just a dream boat, who actually is described as a "young Paul Newman." How can we resist such a temptation? He's all, yay visitors! And Monty is all oh no. Julie is all, tell me all about your horses and your animals while I completely ignore the fact that you are staring at me while Monty glares at you! And then there's Dirk's sister, Alexis, who is basically the ice queen. Dirk wants them to all stay and visit for a while and Monty's trying his hardest to get Julie out of the house because he's the jealous type, and Alexis is thrilled to see them leave because she's also the jealous type and can we see the plot developing here? Okay, just checking.

Then we all begin the wait for Bonnie to give birth. While this happens, Julie's new dog, Pushy, a St. Bernard, injures himself and she has to take him off for some stitches while Stash and Leon (doing their best Dr. Holmes and Mr. Watson impression) go to Julie's cottage to find out why. Well, it doesn't take a lot of guessing. There's broken glass all over the kitchen floor, and they pick it all up and take it to the barn to reconstruct whatever it was that broke. This...must have been extremely time consuming. However, they manage to put it back together because there's this red paint on the glass (not blood, we are helpfully informed, because someone has read their Dostoyevsky and remembered that blood turns brown when dry). So, what's the broken object? It's a glass ax! But oh my gosh, this clearly is a sign because the Croydon murders were committed with an ax! Let's not tell Julie what's going on because, you know, that would just freak her out and ruin a giant plot point we can save for later. So Julie comes back and Bonnie has her twins (Deerstalker and Highland Tam), only the filly is all weak and the vet wants to kill her on sight because that's what people did in novels by Barbara van Tuyl and K.M. Peyton. Julie saves the filly, again doing her best Ashleigh Griffen impression, and Tam grows up all healthy but small and therefore will probably be no good at anything.

This is when Dirk makes his appearance again, causing chaos between Leon and Stash as Stash ruthlessly roots for Monty and Leon doesn't appear to really care either way. Dirk invites Julie to come see his crazy off track thoroughbred he's renamed Soul-searching. I hate horse names involving hyphens. I can't explain it. But that's besides the point. Julie starts coming over to Croydon all the time because Dirk wants to help her out with retraining Cache to jump. Or do something vaguely event oriented with. I don't know. There was so much technical jump/hunter/blah blah blah talk in this book I zoned out a lot when something evil wasn't happening. So then Dirk falls in love with her. He tells her so. Julie's response?

"I'm quite certain, Mr. Markham, that we'd better not mention the subject again until I've thought it out some."

Damn, I should have taken some pointers from Julie when I was her age. Anyway, determined to wait her out, Dirk then asks her a neighborly favor of feeding the horses and dogs (he's got a kennel of hounds for his drag hunting purposes) tomorrow while he's away. Julie agrees and thus he goes away. She comes over the next day, drags her own dogs with her (remember back to Sunbonnet: Filly of the Year, when I said you can make any plot work by giving your main character a dog? Well, keep that in mind) takes care of everything, and winds up with all 20 hounds running loose on the property. She keeps putting them in the kennel and they keep getting out and eventually she discovers there's a second door that's open and so once that's solved she sticks them all in the kennel and then her dog runs away. Seriously, Julie, put the dog on a leash. Nana looks responsible, but she's annoying as all hell.

Thus she winds up in the house, with her car dead, and somehow falls asleep in the den. When she wakes up there's a raging storm outside and she discovers that there's a giant bloodstain on the floor. So this would be the room where the ax murder happened back when, although Julie is not at all scared. She's all, well, great, I'll just leave now. But then the wind or something slams the door shut and she's stuck because the door is all warped and won't work. Now she's basically locked in the house's most upsetting room and this is when the noises start. Shuffling footstep noises and so forth. Then her St. Bernard appears in the window and she opens it up and he hops inside. It's pouring out, thus she doesn't want to go outside. Which I find stupid because, you know, I'm not good in potentially threatening situations where I'm cornered in a room. I'd rather jump out the window, but not Julie. Not even when the footsteps become banging noises out in the hall. Then someone throws a rock through the window. Julie takes this all in stride, like it's normal.

This keeps going and going until Monty, Leon and Stash show up and crawl in the window also. After she's been gone for hours on end I guess they decided something was up, and rather then go to bed they went after her. They manage to open the door and discover that the banging noise was that stupid BEAGLE who got her head stuck in a grease jar and was banging her head repeatedly against the wall. The footstep noise was Pushy, because he drags his giant dog feet.

Anyway, we discover that Alexis is really Dirk's stepsister. And Dirk is like 28. Alexis has been all rude or not around when Julie is at Croydon, which is supposed to imply that because she's actually not related to Dirk she wants his manliness for herself. Then Julie kisses Monty and Monty kisses her back and oh my God hearts and rainbows, only it involves coffee and awkwardness and the word "disengaged," which I hate. Absolutely nothing comes of this.

So then the following stuff happens:
1. Julie and Dirk measure a sequence of jumps. They go to tack up the horses and come back to the jumps, going through them as planned except the last jump has been moved. This causes Julie to fall off. Damn.
2. Dirk offers his saddle to Julie to test out, because his saddle is super awesome. She jumps with it and the stirrup breaks and she falls and twists her ankle. Damn.
3. Cache injures himself in this stirrup episode. Double damn.
4. Instead of putting pink antibiotic cream on Cache's injury, the containers get confused and merc-oxide blister gets put on it instead, causing a complete leg melt down and lays up Cache for six weeks instead of a few days.
5. Dirk invites Julie on a drag hunt, and her horse is all slow and then a "figure" spooks her horse and this is meant to freak her out or something.

This all takes a while, as you can imagine. I'm just being efficient at this point. In the middle of this, Alexis keeps telling Julie that she thinks there are ghosts on the property and Stash thinks Dirk is really the crazy guy who somehow escaped from his padded room and came back to exact revenge, or something. All of this culminates in a) Stash and Leon yelling at Monty to tell Julie he loves her for Christ's sake and b) Bonnie being stolen again. This is really kind of a been there, done that sort of plot. Only this time Nana comes to the rescue and finds Bonnie on Croydon's property. Dirk is all pissed off, so they take the mare back to Fieldstone Farm and Alexis is there and Alexis goes all pale and, as you have probably guessed by now, Alexis is our culprit because she wants her stepbrother and was all pissed off because he wanted Julie.

In classic fictional form, Alexis comes out with all of it. She planted the glass ax, which shattered because Pushy scared her. She did all the rest of it, and stole Bonnie, thinking that would at least distract Julie for a while until she could put Bonnie back on Fieldstone's property. So...yeah. Nevertheless, Dirk does not want to have sex with his stepsister, so she gets sent to the padded room. Then everyone muses about how they thought Dirk was the crazy ax murderer guy, and he says haha that's funny but actually I'm that guy's best friend.

And everyone sort of shuts up very quickly. So it turns out that the crazy ax murderer guy sort of went extra crazy and started saying he saw his dead parents, but twisted it around and said he killed them when he didn't. Dirk always believed that he never killed his parents, but no one could ever prove it, especially when the guy confessed. So Dirk bought the place thinking he could find some clue to prove the guy innocent. As luck would have it, Julie was doing some snooping before the drag hunt, and found the murder weapon under the previously stained, recently sanded floorboard. The murderer's prints are all over it because the guy was apparently stupid, and Julie told no one because no one tells anyone anything in these books. Because sharing important information is seen as "worrying someone unnecessarily." So they get the cops back and they find out that some crazy person who was not the couple's adopted son was the real killer and so now Dirk's friend is free to roam the Kentucky countryside. And, as it always happens in these books, Tolkov is there with job in hand for the previously crazy ex-lunatic. Because Mr. Tolkov is awesome and apparently has no standards.

• Julie describes Monty as antediluvian. Which means "of or relating to the period before the flood described in the Bible." Poor Monty.

• The end of the book is basically dedicated to the budding competition between Monty and Dirk for Julie. Here I thought we'd come to some closure on this topic by now, but no. We are treated to all sorts of talk about how Monty is a closer and Dirk is a front runner and how this race is going to come down to the wire. They have this grudging respect for one another now as they talk about tote boards while Julie's playing around with her dogs, completely oblivious to the fact that she's being treated like a prize. It makes me want to hit both of them.

So, that's it. One more book left in this series, because Bonnie is headed back to the racetrack in The Betrayal of Bonnie. To Barbara's credit, she does say rather point blank that mares who have been bred rarely, if ever, return to their racing careers. So she makes a point of stating that it's almost ludicrous to expect Bonnie to make a comeback. The only reason I can think of for this plot even happening is because she needs to get Monty and Julie together soonish, and Bonnie's foals are too young to provide much plot, therefore Bonnie is our dependable fall back plan. We shall see how it works.

the word is spreading

Want more recaps and reviews of Thoroughbred and various other horsey books? It looks like XTra Pony's Bookshelf is ready and willing to help fill the astonishing void the Whitebrook Farm Blog has been attempting to fill all by itself. We all need more fun horse book recaps, right? I'll be placing a link to it over in the links section, for further reference.

And really, are we this big already? Five contributors and 115 posts in half a year? Damn, I'm going to have to actually write an About Us statement and formally introduce everyone, aren't I?

Damn.

Yet Another Star-Studded Story

Star of Shadowbrook Farm
By Joanna Campbell
Published: August 1992
Republished as Ashleigh's Thoroughbred Collection: May 1998

Alas, the public library system has failed me. Well, not really. It's just that some requested books are still in transit, so it might be a few more days yet before I receive them. I was doing some non-horsey (even though technically the book has horses in it) extra-curricular reading, but while reading Zorro: A Novel by Isabel Allende, I just caught a pretty strong whiff of the ripe smell of Mary Sue. As it turns out, there's a girl character in the book named Isabel. And I'm gathering that as I progress farther into the novel, she's going to know exactly who Zorro is and is going to use a sword herself, and likely ride by his side to help him fight Eeeeeevil! HA! Don't get me wrong, I adore the story of Zorro -- I'm a California girl, he's like our version of Batman and Robin Hood all rolled up into one -- but I think for the sake of my sanity, I needed to take a very quick respite from the toils of Zorro: A Novel, and do a book review.

I have a confession to make. Are you ready to hear it? Really ready? Well, here goes... I am a lazy ass. I repeat, I am a lazy ass. Instead of making myself do a tough 5 or so minutes of scanning the cover of the copy that I have, did a quick Google search, found that monstrosity, and called it a day. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful cover, or it would be, were it not for the fucking huge monstrosity that reads: ASHLEIGH'S THOROUGHBRED COLLECTION. Just clutters the whole thing up. That aside, I'm muchly glad that my copy is from the first printing six years prior to this, and therefore doesn't look like a butt-ugly eyesore. I always liked the balance of color and motion on the page; although I've always wondered where they are, since there's so much space behind them, it's too large for a stall.

Can Susan ever ride again?

Susan has fallen off her horses before. After all, she's been riding since she was young. But this last spill was different. Susan only broke her wrist, but she knows it could have been a lot worse for her or the horse. And it was her own fault. Now, just thinking about riding terrifies her.

Then Evening Star comes to the horse farm where Susan lives. Star's elegant gait and graceful stride show he could become a champion jumper. But he was mistreated by his former owner, and as a result he trust no one in the stable except Susan. Susan knows that only she can make Star a winner, but she also knows that she isn't ready to ride again...

Here we go! The timeless classic tale of a horse-crazy girl who gets badly rattled by a traumatic fall, and it takes a very special horse to help get her back in the saddle. And of course, that horse was mistreated by his past (and I'll raise the ante because you just know he was whipped!) and she has to help him so he can help her. Bully!

So our story begins with Susan walking into the Shadowbrook Farm stable office to collect her hard hat so she can go teach an intermediate jump class. We're then treated to a whole internal monologue about how Susan hates teaching this class because of this totally popular little bitch named Tara Pendleton, who is, I suppose your usual arch-nemesis the likes of Diana Carruthers, and Veronica DiAngelo (y'know, popular, pretty, rich -- maybe -- all the stuff that our valient heroines are not) and how different Susan feels from her because Tara is being treated like a sex object by the boys in their class, and yadda, yadda, blah blah. So off Susan goes to her lesson, maliciously hoping that Tara has caught Dengue Fever or Syphilis, but sucks to be her because Miss Pretty Bitch is just fine.

Now, this always was a perplexing issue for me, but the majority of the students in Susan's intermediate jumping class are all in their teens, thereabouts. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but most teenagers seem to be of the rather competitive nature. To be taught how to jump by a girl the same age as them must really be irritating, yet apparently nobody (not even Tara the Queen Bitch if you're you believe Susan) has possibly whined to any parents who then flip out about a teenager teaching their Pwecious! I mean, yeah, obviously Susan has to help teach lessons, but can't she I dunno, take on leadliners or something? Little short stirrup up/downers. Someone to whom your average 7 year-old can look up to, instead of potentially raising the ire of parents who pay all this money for their kid's riding lessons only to have a girl their own age teaching them. Also, Joanna described Susan's students as having "been jumping for several months" which means they've probably just graduated out of doing trot poles, and threfore shouldn't be considered "intermediate" jumpers. But it's a minor quibble I suppose.

Anyway, Susan rides a green horse named Jocko in her riding lesson. The hell, what is this, karmic retribution or something? Remember the exercise rider in Wonder's Promise? What'd he do, die and be reincarnated as a horse? Now, I've never really seen an instructor in the saddle while on a horse, particularly in a group lesson, and most especially while jumping. I mean, what if some student of hers clips a rail and brings it down? There's a pretty damn obvious reason why instructors are usually ground-bound, which ought to be a no-brainer. But clearly, this reasoning fails Susan, and during the midst of teaching, Tara takes over with her !witty commentary, and this sends Susan into a towering rage that she screams at Tara to "Butt out!" (And this is why 14 year old children should not teach other 14 year old children to ride) and proceeds to demonstrate to the class how incompetent she is jumping a green horse.

Thus Susan breaks her wrist when Jocko goes ape-shit and throws himself head-on at the ring fence. There is much pain, and humiliation when Tara takes charge, and Susan practically wants to die on the spot. And there's much humiliation to follow when Tara manages to get Jocko around the jump course a week later. Susan just about has apoplexy, and bolts for the woods, whereupon she stumbles across a water jump on the rich neighbor's property just in time to see the rich snotty teenage neighbor ride a big gray horse up to the jump. Except the gray horse refuses, and naturally the rider does what she's supposed to do -- give the horse a smack with the crop. He refuses again! So Maxine (the teenage rich snob) smacks him again. Rinse, recycle, repeat. She's just gonna keep flogging him all day (clearly we're treated to Joanna Campbell's personal crusade against horse abuse and whips) because she is Evil and Bad, and therefore pre-disposed to horse abuse because we're supposed to hate her. So finally wearing out her crop leather, Maxine gets the horse over the water jump, and off they go.


A few days later, Susan manages to make it to school, Tara puts on a Fake Sweet Bitch act and humiliates Susan some more in front of her classmates. Susan does this withdrawing act, and just basically shuts down until she gets home where she finds her dad bought the big gray horse that she'd seen Maxine riding. He's four years old, and is a Thoroughbred named Evening Star. And at some point, he jumps out of the pasture, and goes tearing off into the woods where Susan chases after him, and they come across a girl named Whitney Duncan. She catches Star, they take him back to her place and call Susan's parents. And the two girls talk and make friends, and it's all cool and that jazz. So Susan's dad suggests that Susan groom the horse because Star practically wants to crawl in her pocket.

So Susan takes Whitney to school, and Whitney blows off Tara, and hangs with Susan, and gets the whole story of the accident from both Tara and Susan. Susan grooms Evening Star, and fusses over him while Tara goes on and on about how she's going to buy a horse. And then one night, Susan's father tells her that Tara wants to buy Star, so Susan vows not over her dead body, and goes on the horse. It's instant love match, oh yay! And Susan finds out how to help condition Star properly. And it works, and she rides him, and oh yay some more. Tara keep on bragging and bragging about how much Evening Star gives her a hard on even though she hasn't ridden him yet (and that just makes me giggle madly) and when Tara sees Susan on Evening Star, she flips out like ninja and Susan finally manages to find the cajones to stand up to her. Hurrah for Susan!

And with Evil Tara's plans for riding Evening Star like an 1888 Whitechapel whore foiled (because clearly Tara owning Evening Star would be the kiss of death) Susan and Whitney can now begin to focus on their eventing careers. Tara of course, sulks around for a bit, and then gets a hard on for a new horse named Dickens. Whitney cleans out her closet and loads Susan down with clothes, and cuts Susan's hair, and Susan goes to school where everyone practically shits their pants because "Whoa, Susan is like Not a Freak!" and then Whitney bullies Susan into going to the Christmas dance where they actually get Susan to dance with members of the opposite sex. Brilliant!

So along comes Christmas Day, and it snows. So Susan, her parents, and older brother of course hitch a horse up to a sleigh and drive off to the Duncans' home, and then it's back home for Christmas treats for the horses (something that Joanna apparently really likes being as it's appeared in several books by now) and Susan gets a entire new wardrobe of show clothes from her parents. And then after Christmas, Susan teaches a beginner class again, and there's general trashing of how Tara is riding her horse like an 1888 Whitechapel whore, and they talk about her behind her back. Susan manages to jump fences again thanks to Star, and then Whitney invites Susan to some show at Madison Square Gardens.

So off to New York, New York the two girls go, and they meet this cute boy named Ronny who totally loves eventing. So he and Susan chat it up. Some time passes, Susan and Star turn into a team, and then comes the moment when Susan falls off Star doing gymnastics, and she freaks, but one of the assistant trainers on the farm makes her get back in the saddle. Crisis averted. Then the weather turns, and spring arrives and so Susan and Whitney go out on the cross-country course, and return to see Tara throwing a temper tantrum about wanting to go out there too. Whatever!

Eventually, Susan, Whitney and even Pretty Bitch Tara go to a horse show. Tara apprently has a huge case of the "butterflies in the stomach" because she tacks her horse up way early and starts warming him up. Whitney and Susan go off to change and Susan is horrified that she has to strip off her clothes in front of other women (honey, you 'aint got anything those ladies haven't already seen) and as they're warming up, Maxine walks over to confront Susan. Evening Star practically shits his pants thinks he's going to be flogged again. They wait for their rounds in jumping, and Tara has to ride first. She goes clean until the last fence when Dickens pulls the rail, thereby giving our Dynamic Duo the opportunity to discuss her FenceFail. But that's fine because Whitney fucks it up even more and gets two faults. Which leaves it all up to Susan to go clean and win the damn class. Bully! But not before having a near meltdown, and begging her horse to help her, which of course, he does.

Susan and Whitney aim for the Winter Horse trials, and Tara gets a case of sour grapes and bad mouths Susan all over school. And then it's time for the Winter horse Trials, and so far, Susan is ahead after a clean run in cross-country and show jumping. She runs into Ronny again, and goes gaga over him. Susan gets second in her event, and Whitney wins hers. And then three weeks later, Susan and Star win, and the whole family starts thinking they ought to enter Star in Groton Horse Trials, which I always thought was a bit much to expect of a five-year-old horse.

Moving along, our Dynamic Duo lurk around the tack store where they see Tara trying on $300 dress boots, and they talk about her behind her back. But this is clearly OK because they are the Good Girls and Tara's just the Bitch. And thus, as Susan is schooling her horse over the cross-country course, he spooks, throws her and she probably fucks her wrist up again. Ooops. Well, turns out Ms. Maxine was on the other side of the fence screaming hysterically and going postal at her horse, so Star shat his pants again. Anyway, Susan sprains her wrist and can't ride for a month. But clearly something must be done because Groton is coming up.

However! In what shall become a very familiar plot to readers of the Annoying Riding Princess Death Match, Susan proposes that Whitney ride Evening Star at Groton. Or at least ride Star and keep him in training for the month that Susan can't ride. Whitney finally caves in to her bestest friend, and sets to work. Of course, before all this happens, Tara has to gloat to Susan at school about missing any upcoming shows. But naturally, she just happens to be at the stable to see Whitney riding Star, so she has another freak out attack.

School ends, and Susan and Whitney go with their class to some park along the Housatonic River where they go canoing, and Whitney stands up in the canoe, and they tip over. Hooray, wet girls! And Tara just happens to be right there to point and laugh. But at last, they get to Groton, and they settle the horses in. Maxine apparently must have some superior power of telepathy because she waits until Susan, Whitney and their parents are all busy the next morning before going to Tara and asking her if she could take a look at Star. This of course is part of her devious plan to psych out the competition (more than likely completely destroy) because it's something worthy of Brad Townsend's awesomeness. In doing so, Maxine manages to make Star shit his hooves, and whimper like a fucking pussy just by standing in the stall (unless of course she managed to flog him with a whip while Tara's back was turned.)

This of course makes Star a nervous wreck, and he bites Whitney and she cries like a baby, and begs Susan to ride Star instead. Which Susan does, even though she hasn't ridden a horse in a month. And since Joanna already established the fact that Susan and Whitney wear the same size back when Whitney gave Susan all those clothes, they have an easy way of getting riding gear for Susan. And while waiting for her dressage test, Susan swears to Star that she'll pull a Cindy and sleep in his stall to protect him. Which either happens or it doesn't because we time travel to the following day where Susan does well, and they tie with Maxine for first place. Ronny shows up again, and chats with Susan a bit before they go back to the motel, and Susan's wrist is hurting like hell. Whitney feels bad, of course, and gets ice.

The next morning, it's time for the show jumping round, and Susan and Star get a clean round, and then Maxine's horse pulls the very last rail, which means Susan wins Groton for her division, and then passes out cold in front of her parents. And we all live happily ever after.

Points of Interest:

• Susan's father is named Mitch. Naturally this makes me giggle like a maniac because the only Mitch I can associate with the name is my golden boy.

• Double You Tee Eff! Whitney's parents have a BMW and a Jeep Cherokee. Seriously, does Joanna Campbell have stock in Jeep or something?

So anyway, I think I'm finally ready to venture back into the adventures of that masked horseman known as Zorro now. I'll likely regret it though if the Mary Sue-ism gets worse. I heard that the author was supposed to be so good, but between the Sue senorita and the telepathic connection between Diego and Bernardo (I fucking kid you not) it's a bit much to expect. Ah well, c'est la vie!

The Saddle Club weird peripheral book: Just For Girls: Happy Horse Day!

Just For Girls: Happy Horse Day!
Bonnie Bryant
Published: June 1990

I'm jumping straight to the most hilarious and shameful Saddle-Club-related thing that Bonnie Bryant ever penned. It's a short story that was printed with a Fabulous Five short story (another book series for girls, attributed to Betsy Haynes) that was apparently supposed to encourage girls ages 6-11 to buy Jean Naté's children's cosmetic collection, Petite Naté, which is "just for girls" (get it?). It gets better:

Holidays are for good times and parties. But the best times are spent with best friends. The best times are

JUST FOR GIRLS

The Saddle Club
"Happy Horse Day"
Carole, Stevie and Lisa are throwing their own party on New Year's Day--with horses on the guest list! As the horses get groomed for the big event, the girls will be busy getting ready--the JUST FOR GIRLS way!

HAHAHA. I enjoyed the summary so much that I included the following quote about it on the Saddle Club Wikipedia page: "In the story, which is only 20 pages long, the girls plan to have a sleepover and use Jean Naté products, which strains credibility for anyone familiar with Stevie and Carole's personalities."

The actual story is only slightly less hilarious. It's late December, and Stevie's cousin's birthday is coming up. Stevie had a lot of fun buying her cousin a birthday present, because she found some bubble bath she liked so much she bought herself some, too. Oh, squee! Apparently all the horses at Pine Hollow have morphed into registered Thoroughbred racehorses, because Carole says they all have the same birthday: January first. Stevie decides they should have a birthday party for the horses.

That night, the girls have a sleepover at Stevie's house and Carole offers to take the first bath. This sounds like the start of a seedy fanfic. Stevie tells her to try some of her new bubble bath, because "It smells wonderful. It's sort of a light smell, not like a heavy perfume. And look at those neat beads floating in the bottle." I think one of BB's other personalities must have taken over and written this. Carole puts bubble bath in the water, "creating clouds of big, fragrant bubbles. It was warm and relaxing--just what she needed after their vigorous ride. Soon she was clean and sweet-smelling." Seriously, do we even need a recap? I could just stop right here.

When sweet-smelling Carole gets out of the bath, Lisa and Stevie are talking about Pepper, the horse Lisa normally rides. Lisa says he was cranky today; Stevie the Wise and Carole the Fragrant realize he's actually got colic. They run back to Pine Hollow, thereby undoing the effects of Carole's pungent bath. The vet, Judy Barker, says that someone has to watch him all the time, to make sure nothing happens and he doesn't have a bubble-bath-induced seizure.

Naturally, the girls volunteer. Judy thinks Pepper might be about to kick it. Lisa is agonized. Then he gets better by New Year's Day, just in time for the birthday party. Lisa is thrilled. Who'd have guessed?

The girls gussy themselves up for the horse birthday party, because of course before you go to a stable, you should "do something nice for yourself." Lisa shows off her Christmas gift from her aunt: "Shampoo, hair detangler, talc, bubble bath, after-bath splash--the works. Are we ready?" Stevie says they can "all wash our hair and then try new hairdos!" Carole tries the skin lotion, Lisa tries the talc, and Stevie tries the cologne spray. Carole loves having "soft smooth skin--better than horse hair!" This really isn't supposed to be funny at all.

We only hear about the birthday party after it's over and the girls are congratulating themselves over ice cream sundaes. Turns out it was a "smashing success." Pepper was well enough to participate. He had more fun than any of the other horses. He just dived into the water when it was time to bob for apples. He also did well at Musical Water Buckets and got first place in Pin-the-Rider on the Saddle. In Spin the Feedbag, some horse got to nuzzle Garnet, Veronica diAngelo's Arabian mare. Garnet got a horrified look on her face when she had to nuzzle poor old Patch. HUH? Is this all some kind of shared delusion on the part of the Saddle Club? Do Petite Naté products turn your brain into Swiss cheese? These horses make Whirlwind look like a Borg.

And, that's pretty much it. The girls eat some ice cream and reaffirm that the Saddle Club is the best club there is. And apparently, in this book, the most vapid.

Points of Interest:

• The cover art is the art from the first edition of #1 Horse Crazy, with a purple background instead of a pink one. I admit that on the front and back covers, the title is just "Happy Horse Day" with no exclamation mark. But the exclamation mark makes it so much funnier.
  
• By June 1990, the first ten books of The Saddle Club had been published. My guess, though, is that even though these stories were written in the spring, the book and the bath products may not have come out until the holiday season of 1990, which would fit with the New Year's theme.
  
• For some reason Stevie's birthday has magically migrated to August (rather than June, as established by book #6 Dude Ranch), and Carole's has migrated away from December. All it says is that her birthday and Lisa's are "months away," which doesn't make sense unless BB means she's already had her birthday for the year. Then again, Carole's birthday isn't established in canon until book #31 Hayride, long after this one.
  
• Lisa's Lhasa Apso, Dolly, makes an appearance, although not by name and has turned into a "he."
  
• Whichever of BB's personalities wrote this, it must have skimmed through #4 Horse Power, because the story references the time Stevie tried a new hairdo on Lisa and she ended up with "little springy curls." Except Lisa actually ended up with huge boingy curls.
  
• Stevie orders orange sherbert with all-natural strawberry topping, marshmallow topping, whipped topping, and a cherry. Mmm. Maybe she'll get colic next.

And that's about it. Savor this one, because there's no other Saddle Club book that is quite so unintentionally hilarious.