Mar 16, 2010

And then the horse with fangs ate him. The end.


The Heavenly Horse from the Outermost West
By Mary Stanton

The Dark Horse and his minions search for the last true Appaloosa for their own nefarious purposes, while, from the Courts of the Outermost West, the Dancer enters the world to save his breed from extinction.

I don't know what came over me, but I just had to hunt down this book. As it turns out, Heavenly Horse is a bit elusive and I was forced to use my magical librarian powers for what turned out to be a huge waste of time and effort.

The reason for this is pretty simple. I loathe fantasy novels. I'm trying to think of one right now that I even marginally tolerated, and not one title is popping up in my abused little brain. It's not that I can't sit down and make myself read them, because many years ago I forced myself through The Lord of the Rings and I'm still not sure how that even happened. It's like a blur of supreme boredom highlighted with intermittent screams of horror. I know, I know. Why, then, did I even bother? How could I, a hater of fantasy, be expected to push all of that aside for a book that has a rainbow Appaloosa fighting a fanged horse with claws on the cover? How can I rise above my biases to read and review this novel of talking horses who smell like wild thyme? How?

Yet again, the answer is pretty simple. I don't.

I tried, you guys. Really, I did, but ultimately I put the book down and promptly lost it in my apartment somewhere. I really hope I can find it, because I'm pretty sure magical librarian powers aren't going to get me out of that one.

Anyway, let me present some points of interest:

1. The Dancer. I guess he's super important because he is the leader of the mystical Appaloosa breed, which seems important to horses everywhere because of a very select list of breeds in the super horse breed army it happens to be alphabetically superior. The Dancer, when off in special la la horse world, is all the colors of the rainbow. He smells like wild thyme. He uses poetry to introduce himself. He also tries to rape someone. The Dancer is kind of a dick.

2. Duchess. She is a grade mare who is probably an Appaloosa in disguise. I didn't get to that part. Anyway, she's all emotionally scarred, believing that she could get beaten at any point despite the fact that she's never been beaten. Whatever. Then The Dancer tries to rape her. And she tries to tell all the other mares about it and they're all, "OMG you have to let him rape you! That's how babies are made!" And the barn cat is all, "LET HIM RAPE YOU." And the collie is all, "OMG, you so suck." But by then The Dancer realizes he's probably come across a little too strong in trying to rape her, so he sweet talks her into getting in foal. And by that point I was out of there.

3. The Mares. Are annoying. And they have lots of rules.

4. The People. They are probably English, but they keep making soothing sounds that make me think they are maybe German. I cannot even begin to explain this rationally.

5. The Collie. Everyone who talks to him uses his name so frequently it started to amuse me. OMG, Corey. You didn't just do that, Corey. I am so sick of your know-it-all attitude, Corey.

Truthfully, I did give up on this book after the failed rape attempt/love scene. It was weirdly reminiscent of those romance novels that involve the guy accidentally raping the girl, her being somewhat traumatized, but eventually she gets over it because it's true love, rape happens, let's make babies and forget that "control issue" thing ever happened, okay? Only with horses. Regardless, I tend to put books down after these instances.

Also, I loathe fantasy. (Oh, the only one I liked was Birth of the Firebringer by Meredith Ann Pierce. I knew there was at least one.)

3 comments:

Claire said...

I actually started reading this book for this blog also. And I also couldn't finish it. Which is extra funny because as an adolescent I loved this book and its sequel. OH well.

Molly said...

This book sounds SO stupid and demented I feel like I need to read it.

Fear Street said...

Thinking too hard about this one makes me dizzy...it's like equine acid.