Dec 22, 2008

First annual toy review, just in time for the holidays!

I haven't actually found any sort of time to wander around the toy aisles lately, so it's good that I have other contributors on this blog who apparently set aside time to do just that. Today I got an e-mail from Elizabeth, Whitebrook Farm's Saddle Club correspondent, in which she shared two links to toys that astonished and delighted her (or just confused her, which was mainly my reaction). This inspired my perusal of other horse themed toys, which I haven't done since I abandoned My Little Pony. I thought I would share my finds here, for those who desperately need a last minute, horse-related gift for some ridiculously lucky child somewhere. Here we go.

FurReal Friends - Butterscotch Pony:
Price: $263.20 on Amazon

No one should have to spend $300 on a robotic pony covered in plush fake fur, but for those of us who genuinely want to spend this sort of money on amazingly spoiled children, there is the FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony. If your child prefers non chestnut ponies, there is also Smores, the black and white pinto pony. Apparently you can groom this thing and sit on it and it "reacts" somehow and honestly if this thing had existed when I was five I would have desperately wanted it. I'd sort of desperately want it now, if I didn't ride real horses. If you go this route, know that you're spending nearly $300 on a pony that does everything except have bowel movements and actually transport your child from point A to point B. So, if movement is what you're looking for, you want this:

Giddyup N' Go Pony
Price: $399.99 on Amazon

Yes. It moves. The webpage also actually instructs parents to watch both the child and the pony closely in case they wander off into steep territory. It also admits that the brake is not quick to use. Awesome toy! You might want to pitch in an extra few bucks for helmet, parents.

Do you not want to spend a shitload to make your kid happy? I completely understand that.

My Little Pony Crawling Newborn Pinkie Pie
Price: $9.25 on Amazon

I know. I KNOW. What the hell is this thing? Look, I was as happy as any other horse loving child who happened to be born in the eighties when Hasbro brought back My Little Pony, but this is pushing it. This poor thing looks like it was electrocuted. And it looks happy about it. Nevermind for a moment that ponies, even My Little Ponies, don't crawl. The baby My Little Ponies from the eighties were lightyears better.

Speaking of the eighties, this is actually awesome. It is the 25th anniversary of the My Little Pony (I am older than My Little Ponies, a fact that just depresses me), and they have reissued certain 1983 and 1984 toys.

My Little Pony Original 1984 Collection II
Price: $24.99 on Amazon

Maybe I'm only excited about this because I owned that purple pony in the middle there. In fact, I still have it. I still have every My Little Pony I ever owned. Except for those sea horses...those naturally didn't survive the mildew. Anyway, I can't criticize the original My Little Pony. They're too chubby and adorable.

Bratz Passion 4 Fashion Horse
Price: $16.99 on Amazon

I know almost nothing about Bratz besides the fact that they've apparently finished what Britney Spears started with the sexualization of young girls. And that Barbie just successfully sued them. Who knows. Perhaps Bratz will be no more, in which case maybe then they'll stop sexualizing horses. Please, won't someone think of the horses? What horse can reasonably expect to have a mane as glorious and super enticing as that? Look, I had a Lady Lovely Locks Silkymane back in, I don't know, 1986 or something, and that was a lot of purple hair, but at least that horse could stand up on its own. These...can't. Which should seem obvious considering the andalusian is only balancing on two hooves. Come on, people. This isn't rocket science. Okay, so obviously this is the toy to avoid. Just buy your daughter a Barbie horse and stick the Bratz doll on it. At least the horse will stand on its own. And it will probably be glittery. Hey, maybe it will have wings! What more do you really want?

So that's my 2008 toy review. Go and spend that money wisely, folks!


Elizabeth said...

I LOVE YOU. (And I would have totally wanted Butterscotch or S'mores as a kid, even if they do kind of creep me out now.)

Monique said...

Ok, I want the Barbie horse with wings. Please, Santa? And can you make it a REAL one too???

Anonymous said...

The Butterscotch horse neighs when you pet it, and makes chewing movements with its mouth if you stick a plastic carrot in it. It's the type of toy that the novelty wears off after got my 32nd Breyer horse this Christmas SQUEE...and that Bratz horse is ugly a$$