Jul 6, 2008

I can haz messed-up whores... I mean horse- Heartland 2!

Riiight, so I thought we were due for another visit to Heartland. The second volume, After the Storm, is a little less angsty than the first.
With an idea I sort of stole from another blog somewhere, I give you Heartland 2: The Script!

Amy: (sobbing) I miss my mother so much! It is my fault she is dead.
Lou: I am your sister and I am here for you, though I might move back to the city to be with my asshole boyfriend, Carl.
Ty: Look, Amy! We are going to try and fix Spartan, the horse that was involved in the accident! Yay!
Amy: Spartan hates me! He blames me too! I can't do it! I am such a whiny, self-abosorbed bitch!
Lou:Yes you are. I have plans for Heartland that will raise money and you won't listen to them! I feel like I have no place here! Maybe I should go back to the city with my asshole boyfriend, Carl.
Spartan: *attempts to kill Amy*
Grampa: We need to kill him! He is nasty and unpredictable!
Amy: I don't listen to anyone or anything! Spartan is going to be fine! I will just have to do something when you people aren't around to tell me what to do.
Ty: *converts oxygen into carbon dioxide*
Spartan: *rages*
Carl: Hi Lou! I am your smarmy, asshole boyfriend. I just got a job in Chicago and I know you want to move there with me! *g*
Lou: Oh gee. It is such an unclear choice. Maybe I need some proof that you are a wanker before I decide.
Carl: Ok. I will give you time while I hatch up some scheme! Mwahahahaha!
Amy: Gee Spartan, who knew that chasing you around in the middle of a storm would cure you? I bet Monty Roberts would be uber proud of me!
Spartan's Owner: I know you found me but you people gelded my prize special horse and now I don't want him anymore!
Amy: But Spartan loves you with an Undying Love that Only Fictional Equines Have For People!!!
Lou: Forget about that,we have a fundraising barn dance thing to organise! I am so happy that asshole Carl will be there too!
Amy: Wow! I was wrong to doubt you, Lou! This is going to be a success.
Carl: I am back and I know that job offer you got is so great and you're just going to move to Chicago with me, Lou!
Lou: You set me up! I did not see this coming! Fuck off!
Amy: Yay! Now Lou is going to be able to lust after Scott, the hot Vet!
Grampa: The party went so well. Now we have money again! At least for the rest of this book!
Amy: I am going to ride Spartan in a practice round at a show. I know he's not been jumping for more than a week but he has such talent!
Spartan's owner's grandkid: Gerry! You really have a cool name, Geronimo, but we have to give you a stupid nickname instead! I need to ride you in my class. My pony is lame!
Amy: Wow. Spartan loves this girl with a love like no other. I think she must take him home. I know I made Cindy look like an angel in this book, but I am now over blaming myself for my mother's death.

Spartan/Gerry: Neigh!

I have to admit that the books sort of get better after this one, when Amy grows up a little and stops throwing hissy fits all over the show. The twist with Spartan going to the grandkid was kind of sweet if overdone with the whole Special Bond thing. After reading this, I am even more convinced that Heartland and Chestnut Hill have been written by different people. Now that the drama has abated for the time being, I sort of enjoyed this one. It kept my attention for the hour or so it took me to read it. Although, my enjoyment is relative to the last book I read!

More Heartland? Chestnut Hill? Or maybe I will attempt to read Claire's TB Book of Doom, Star's Chance!


Claire said...

oh, i vote star's chance! i'd love to see someone else's take on lyssa.

Monique said...

If I must... ;)

Molly (formerly anonymous) said...

I got a few of these books in eBay lots and never bothered to read them. I'm pretty glad I didn't waste my time. I don't think I could take the whole OMG SPECIAL BOND crap outside of the TB series.

God, if these people wrote reality, just about every horse EVER would be miserable and pining for its one true human love.

Anonymous said...

Amy's a whiny, self-absorbed bitch? Uh...she had some pretty traumatic things happen to her not to long ago. But yeah, that stupid bitch.