Jul 4, 2008

Caitlin: Date Rape = True Love!

Caitlin: The Love Trilogy
True Love
by Joanna Campbell, Created by Francine Pascal

Let's wrap this horrible trilogy up, shall we? Last time, in Caitlin: The Love Trilogy, our astonishing heroine accidentally poisoned a little boy and somehow managed to cripple him at the same time. I still don't understand how that works, but let's forget that because we have more important things to worry about...like how awesome and hot Jed is when he all pissed off and inclined to rape someone. Joanna Campbell should be informed that date rape is not sexy. Really, I'm starting to wonder about her.

ANYWAY. Caitlin nearly gets raped, Jed runs off to Montana and goes into seclusion (taking a few brief moments to answer, like, two letters), and then Diana is magically cured of anorexia because Caitlin is skilled in the art of cosmetics. Oh, and Caitlin found out about her real father and shuns him in the same conversation, and she has a new boyfriend, Laurence, who suffers from the same issues as Jed, only he doesn't want to rape anyone. No, he just hits on women when they're in need of emotional support. You can catch up on all of this by reading recaps for Loving and Love Lost. If you can stomach it. I, sadly, don't think I can.

So, I give you the blurb:

For Caitlin, Laurence Baxter is there when she needs someone. But even with kind, handsome Laurence by her side, she can't forget Jed Michaels -- Jed, who has refused to see her ever since he discovered that she let Diana Chasen take the blame for the accident that crippled little Ian Foster. Yet it will take another tragedy for Caitlin to find peace at home and to finally discover which boy holds the key to true love.
Yes, how can one forget someone who tries to rape you? I'd say that's probably something you'd remember for life. In a deeply scarred sort of way.

Anyway, we're back at Highgate to begin Caitlin's senior year. Caitlin's secret has been kept by Diana and Laurence and Jed, so she's still angsting about how no one else knows while being glad that no one else knows. Laurence is spending all of his time acting like a puppy dog in love, and Caitlin appreciates it but is convinced that she can never love him like she loved/loves Jed, who once tried to "use her body" so he could take revenge for being duped into believing she was a good person when she was a manipulative bitch who probably cripples children for fun. For fuck's sake, just say he tried to rape her. But then that would make this book series much shorter and we can't have that.

Moving on, Jed is off chatting up other girls he'd potentially like to rape and Caitlin is all forlorn about it while telling herself she should be thrilled with Laurence. So what do we do in this situation? We throw a party! Only Caitlin has to get more depressed because Jed is there and he keeps throwing her these looks as sophomore girls keep falling over him and so forth. So Laurence takes her home. Then she has to go to the library, and I swear to God that was the most boring chapter I've ever read even with all the accidentally running into Jed that gives Caitlin another opportunity to cry. Seriously, Caitlin needs more bibliographic information on Wuthering Heights, so she has to go to the card catalog and she finds a book she needs in the closed stacks and, you know, I AM a librarian and I couldn't take it.

So after this chapter I started to skim pretty rapidly, which is all you need to do with these books. Caitlin discovers that Jed has been invited to go to DC with Tara so they can not have sex in her house, so what does Caitlin do? Well, she goes on another ride, of course! In the dark, but more sedately than at first, so she can forget all her problems but then get locked out of her dorm. Her roommate lets her in, so like that was a big problem. Then Caitlin fesses up to her, and she's all understanding. So then Caitlin, who has recently discovered that riding horses is therapeutic and has I guess invented this practice by sticking Ian up on her horse, Duster, goes off and tells Ian, who does not accept her apology and essentially gives her the cold shoulder. Then she tells his mom, who's all "oh, I should be angry but you've been so nice so I forgive you" or something like that.

Then there's some fox hunt or something. Whatever.

All of this leads up to the senior class picnic, which takes place on some Ryan Mining property. I know. GREAT place to have a picnic, right? When they get there they discover it's basically been strip mined or something equally awful. So, Caitlin, filled with the urge to do the right thing, sets off to go look in one of these mines so she can tell her grandmother how horrible she is for wasting the environment or something. Like she knows what's she's going to go look at. Anyway. She troops off into the mine, Laurence follows her, and then he trips and runs into a support beam and all this wacky stuff happens to the point where ultimately Jed is trying to save Caitlin from the mine as water starts to fill in the gaping hole and threatens to drown her.

But of course everyone is okay. Magically state troopers appear and everyone goes to the hospital. Faced with her imminent death (although she is not at all dying), everyone forgives Caitlin and Caitlin forgives her father for being nice and eager to reenter her life. And her grandmother tells her that she's been a cold bitch, but always loved her and wanted the best for her. And Laurence breaks up with Caitlin because he knows she loves Jed, and then Jed and Caitlin hug and ALL IS WELL because she's in love with her almost-rapist, who has now forgiven her for making him want to date rape her. Dandy!

So that's the Love Trilogy. There are two more trilogies that I will not be reading, but if you're just desperate for more Caitlin, The Dairi Burger is recapping them in hilarious fashion. In fact, she's just posted Tender Promises, one of the Promise Trilogy and sequel (I think) to this book, and it does involve drama, cat fighting, and some sort of horse race. It's just that I can't take this anymore and officially call my Caitlin venture complete.

I'm going back to Thoroughbred next for more camp shenanigans!

2 comments:

Monique said...

you know, Caitlin looks like a really fat Yasmin Bleeth. (from Baywatch, back in the day)

Anonymous said...

Really fat yasmin bleeth? Back then, that girl would be considered healthy and slender.

Have we moved on from these horrific 80's to move backwards in the 00's?