Mixing the CIA with horse fiction is a bad idea.

On The Run by Iris Johansen 2005

For eight years, single mother Grace Archer has been living a picture-perfect life raising her daughter on a horse farm in the small town of Tallanville, Alabama. Watching Frankie grow into a talented and confident young girl has made Grace as happy as any mother could hope to be. Happy enough, even, to forget the past. But the past never quite goes away. Which is why a certain charismatic man also moved to Tallanville eight years ago to watch over her. But when violence threatens to shatter Grace and Frankie's idyllic home, the waiting is over. The ghosts of the past have returned. And they're hungry for blood. Now Grace must resume an identity she thought she had cast off forever, and match wits with an opponent as deadly as he is cunning. The prize: an extraordinary secret that only she can unfold. The forfeit: losing the thing more precious to her than life itself.

Occasionally, when I've lost all motivation to select my own horse books, I fall to the comforts/horrors provided by the requests page. This is one such request. We start, much to my surprise, with Val Kilmer. No, his name is not Val, but it is Kilmer, so my brain came to the logical conclusion. Val is in Morocco, driving recklessly. You see, Val is being chased by men with guns because he has stolen a bedazzled purse embroidered with white ponies. A purse that I like to think looks like this. And then he jumps out of a moving truck, into a helicopter, and flies to Alabama...or something. I know. You're thinking Val Kilmer does not steal purses in Morocco! Certainly not bedazzled purses! I'm here to tell you that he does. But don't worry, it will be all for nothing. Now let's talk about Grace and her genius-child, Frankie. Grace has lots of issues, namely because she was dragged all over the world with her dad, an infamous gunrunner or assassin or super secret double agent, or whatever. Her only brief moments of peace were the summers she spent on her grandfather's Australian horse farm, because I suppose her father saved that season for his bloodbaths. God knows, if I had a child and was in a gunrunning/assassin business, I'd send her away when I felt like getting involved in a massacre. Or whatever it is I do. Frankie is a child prodigy of the piano persuasion. She can compose orchestras at the age of eight. She acts like she's forty most of the time and singlehandedly reminded me of why I loathe suspense/romance books that involve children. Anyway, she's been living in Alabama all of this time with Grace, blissfully unaware that this evil guy, Marvot, wants her dead. Or alive, but he'd really prefer dead. His reasons for this are not all that clear, but for the record I didn't really care. Grace has been hiding out at a tiny horse farm in Nowheresville, Alabama, hoping that Marvot won't discover her location. Of course, he does. Throats are slit, rigor mortis sets in, cars explode, and Val swoops in to save the day. He totes Grace, Frankie, and Robert, CIA guy who's been looking over them to make sure cars don't explode in their vicinity, to a hotel. The next day they go back to the crime scene to take care of the horses and take their sweet time about it. Meanwhile I am thinking they should probably not be doing this, given that they just killed like fifteen henchmen there. But whatever. Eventually Grace stops being a stubborn mule for half a second and they go to Wyoming. Anyway. Val and Grace have lots of issues. Sexy issues. As you have probably already figured out by now, they conceived Frankie during their wild bouts of emotionless sex some nine years ago. Then something trust shattering happened and here we are. Grace glares a lot, Val is vaguely awesome a lot, and then more explosions happen. Not that we haven't had time for more emotionless sex in the barn, because rest assured that happened, and it happened a lot. Somewhere in all of this, we learn why we're here. I was happy about this, because when you're about two thirds through a book and you still have no idea what's going on, I will even take an info dump of Stephenie Meyer magnitudes to explain to me what the hell is happening. This is what is happening: Once, there was a man. I guess he explored a lot, because he excavated some Egyptian tomb and found (waiiiit for iiiiiiit) a never ending fuel-less battery cell! It's like the everlasting gobstopper of batteries! Neglecting to inform Egypt about this discovery, this guy decides to take his discovery to America, where congress is in awe of the engine he has developed around this battery. Sensing their global domination is going to be threatened, the oil industry collectively panics, and Marvot, mobster/oil magnate, intends to singlehandedly stop this insanity by killing this guy's father. Weirdly, this works. Engine man goes to ground, and literally buries his engine in the Sahara. All is lost! Except for the fact that the engine man has fashioned a way to find the engine: he breeds Arabian horses! Two of these horses were trained at the tender age of, like, one and a half, to find the engine. Only here is the kicker: they must remain together at all times, and they are sort of insane. They cannot be trained, they cannot be approached. One can hardly glance at them without being seriously harmed in some way. The only thing that sort of calmed them is Cosmo, the donkey, but Val, in his endless stupidity, stole the donkey about two months ago. Where, oh where, will we find a horse whisperer? Oh, wait, Grace is a horse whisperer! Ahem, I mean, she just talks to horses until they do whatever it is she wants them to do. Right. So then Frankie is kidnapped by Marvot, Grace walks into Morocco, sweet talks the horses, and then more explosions happen. Marvot dies, Grace walks out of there with the now tame horses. (Because finders keepers, okay? Sure, they belong to the estate/heirs of the dead engine guy, but GRACE IS BETTER THAN THEM. And possession is 9/10ths of the law, you guys. It's amusing because Grace and Val kind of explicitly state this to themselves afterward. No, really.) Fresh from stealing some horses that can find an engine that will change history, and obviously now billionaires, they retire to Alabama with their prodigy daughter, whom I think I have successfully ignored for most of this review. - People say shall, may and whom too much in this book. I appreciate correct grammar as much as the next person, but this was like reliving all of those elementary school reprimands all over again. (May I? vs. Can I? That was like every day.) - Val insists that he and Grace get married because sex is obviously the most important thing in any relationship. Sure, they have absolutely no chemistry together and seem to not care about each other's feelings, but that's not important! All of those kids who are getting married at the courthouse? They're doing it because of the sex, Grace. - The dialogue in this book drove me a little crazy, because people talk at each other instead of with each other. Then, all of a sudden, Val will start talking as if he's just heard Grace's thoughts and the "conversation" takes a totally weird turn from blah blah normal blah to sexy times based on a thought. - Iris hates commas with a passion. - Frankie jumps "barriers" with a palomino stallion that was gifted to her, because supposedly this makes her well-rounded. So, this is where I stop. Next, I think I'll continue through these requests and work on Rider in the Dark. If anyone else wants to torture me, feel free to leave your requests.

And then the horse with fangs ate him. The end.

The Heavenly Horse from the Outermost West
By Mary Stanton

The Dark Horse and his minions search for the last true Appaloosa for their own nefarious purposes, while, from the Courts of the Outermost West, the Dancer enters the world to save his breed from extinction.

I don't know what came over me, but I just had to hunt down this book. As it turns out, Heavenly Horse is a bit elusive and I was forced to use my magical librarian powers for what turned out to be a huge waste of time and effort.

The reason for this is pretty simple. I loathe fantasy novels. I'm trying to think of one right now that I even marginally tolerated, and not one title is popping up in my abused little brain. It's not that I can't sit down and make myself read them, because many years ago I forced myself through The Lord of the Rings and I'm still not sure how that even happened. It's like a blur of supreme boredom highlighted with intermittent screams of horror. I know, I know. Why, then, did I even bother? How could I, a hater of fantasy, be expected to push all of that aside for a book that has a rainbow Appaloosa fighting a fanged horse with claws on the cover? How can I rise above my biases to read and review this novel of talking horses who smell like wild thyme? How?

Yet again, the answer is pretty simple. I don't.

I tried, you guys. Really, I did, but ultimately I put the book down and promptly lost it in my apartment somewhere. I really hope I can find it, because I'm pretty sure magical librarian powers aren't going to get me out of that one.

Anyway, let me present some points of interest:

1. The Dancer. I guess he's super important because he is the leader of the mystical Appaloosa breed, which seems important to horses everywhere because of a very select list of breeds in the super horse breed army it happens to be alphabetically superior. The Dancer, when off in special la la horse world, is all the colors of the rainbow. He smells like wild thyme. He uses poetry to introduce himself. He also tries to rape someone. The Dancer is kind of a dick.

2. Duchess. She is a grade mare who is probably an Appaloosa in disguise. I didn't get to that part. Anyway, she's all emotionally scarred, believing that she could get beaten at any point despite the fact that she's never been beaten. Whatever. Then The Dancer tries to rape her. And she tries to tell all the other mares about it and they're all, "OMG you have to let him rape you! That's how babies are made!" And the barn cat is all, "LET HIM RAPE YOU." And the collie is all, "OMG, you so suck." But by then The Dancer realizes he's probably come across a little too strong in trying to rape her, so he sweet talks her into getting in foal. And by that point I was out of there.

3. The Mares. Are annoying. And they have lots of rules.

4. The People. They are probably English, but they keep making soothing sounds that make me think they are maybe German. I cannot even begin to explain this rationally.

5. The Collie. Everyone who talks to him uses his name so frequently it started to amuse me. OMG, Corey. You didn't just do that, Corey. I am so sick of your know-it-all attitude, Corey.

Truthfully, I did give up on this book after the failed rape attempt/love scene. It was weirdly reminiscent of those romance novels that involve the guy accidentally raping the girl, her being somewhat traumatized, but eventually she gets over it because it's true love, rape happens, let's make babies and forget that "control issue" thing ever happened, okay? Only with horses. Regardless, I tend to put books down after these instances.

Also, I loathe fantasy. (Oh, the only one I liked was Birth of the Firebringer by Meredith Ann Pierce. I knew there was at least one.)

No, Nick Nolte. No.

Nick Nolte circles HBO's upcoming series 'Luck'.

If this series starts to resemble Simpatico, I might watch it out of sick fascination alone. But only if they cast someone pretty to look at. Sorry, Dustin Hoffman.

This is a movie that is missing tween girls and vampire bats.

The Black Stallion Returns
1983

Here's the thing about The Black Stallion: it took the basic premise of the book to a different level. It rose above the insanity, if you will, that horse books wallow around in to the point of absurdity. It did this by making sure no one spoke too much, thereby limiting the crazy. Also, I seem to remember a horse fight on a boat that didn't happen...or maybe I'm just dreaming this up. I'm pretty sure I'm not, because The Black strikes me as the sort of horse that can win horse fights on land and on water.

What I'm saying is that the movie version of the book did its best to strip the sheer crazy right out of that story. The movie version of The Black Stallion Returns embraces that crazy, opening the door for the unparalleled weirdness that occurs in The Adventures of the Black Stallion some years later, which opens the floodgates of awful for The Young Black Stallion.

I would like to see The Black Stallion and Flame turned into a movie, where The Black and Flame stop trying to kill each other long enough to take down a vampire bat. Yes, I said vampire bat. How can we insert a tween girl into this picture? It could be done somehow!

The Black Stallion Returns starts normally enough. The Black and Alec are living in some upstate New York farm, where The Black prances to dramatic music. Meanwhile, Abu Ben Ishak and his daughter, Tabari, are entering the country and looking all shady. They speak to a customs official, basically heavily implying that they're there to steal a racehorse (because customs officials hear that sort of stuff all the time, I'm sure). That night, they arrive to discover Kurr, some guy from some rival tribe, is already at the farm attempting to steal The Black, who is all predictably homicidal for seemingly no reason.

Kurr, dismayed that this horse is totally nuts, decides that the best way to steal him is to set the barn on fire. Which is a brilliant plan if you were planning on just standing around hoping that someone will come along and save the horse for you so you don't have to be held responsible for killing the horse because you sort of set it on fire. Yet again his masterful plan backfires, because Ben and Tabari swoop in and steal the horse while he was off somewhere doing something.

This prompts a very chaotic scene involving running around storage containers for a while, but ultimately Alec is forced to smuggle himself aboard a plane to Morocco. It occurs to me now that I'm pretty sure The Black was transported by sea, in which case the timeline for this movie makes no sense. Anyway, Alec proceeds to run around Morocco screaming "Shetan" at anyone who looks like they have the capability to hear. This is amusing to me, since he's basically screaming "Devil" at people, as if they're expected to understand that he's talking about a horse.

At some point, Alec finds himself hitching a ride with Kurr, who then abandons him in the desert. Alec is picked up by a roving public bus, where he meets Raj, who reprimands him a lot. Eventually they get lost in the desert and nearly die, only to be found by Raj's people. Alec, who at this point has perfected forcing people to be hospitable to him, is dropped off with Ben, who is so not thrilled about this situation.

Insert a moment of The Black loves Alec and not Tabari, who for some reason likes to kick her horses in the ribs and scream in their ears. Tabari, you're kind of forcing Ben's hand here. But eventually Alec and The Black get kidnapped by the rival tribe, only to escape. Ben is thrilled again, Alec decides to race The Black in the upcoming desert race of awesomeness, which they win after lots of sand and guns and race fixing and friendly male bonding and such. Alec leaves The Black in whatever country that was, presumably wandering back to New York alone.

- I love how Alec is discovered on the plane. When asked how he got in there he basically says, "I don't know. Hey, can I eat that bread?" And then he starts to consume what looks to be a half-eaten sandwich as the copilot looks on in horrified confusion.

- I kind of always had a huge crush on Raj. I admit it.

- The Black chooses his girlfriend over Alec. Yet again proof that The Black doesn't really care all that much. Sex is better than special super fabulous lifetime friends, apparently.

I still want to see The Black Stallion and Flame take down a vampire bat. I don't think that book was vaguely covered in The Adventures of the Black Stallion. It should have been, because their attempt at The Black Stallion Revolts and The Black Stallion Challenged were both pretty amusing.

News: Bonnie is back!

Poppet Press has reissued the Bonnie books, starting with The Sweet Running Filly and A Horse Called Bonnie. Both are available on Amazon.com, and the rest of the series will soon be available.

I don't know about anyone else, but that was the most fantastic series involving a girl, her naturally doped wonder horse, a man in a cowboy outfit, the most annoying beagle on earth, and illicit step-sibling unrequited love that I have ever read.

Wildfire: Flames

Wildfire
4.4: Flames

You know, the day I find out Wildfire is available to me in its entirety at hulu.com is the day I totally lose interest in actually watching it. Yet, here I am, committed to seeing this through to the end. We are so close! Just a little bit further! I promise this won't be awful! Really!

The Good:

+ "I don't do things on the down low anymore," says Ashleigh. Whenever someone says "down low" it's hard for me to not burst into laughter. Mainly because I think it is the stupidest term since "my bad," which for some reason enrages me. That said, I am thrilled that Ashleigh isn't doing anything on the down low anymore. My little self-righteous, sanctimonious Ashleigh is back! *hugs Ashleigh tight* Never leave us again, Ash! +3!

+ Wonder's Pride has a photo album tucked away in the Townsend Acres office. Of course Brad keeps a photo album of Pride in his office. Doesn't this make sense? And within that photo album are some really horrible pictures that have been photoshopped beyond saving. For some reason, I like this. +2!

+ Brad saunters in with a briefcase of cash. Awesome? Yes. +10!

+ I even like the rocking out Ashleigh, Mike, Brad and Dani do in the truck. And the way Ashleigh and Dani say, "I used to hate you!" And the way Ashleigh says, "I can't believe I punched you in the face!" I can't believe any of this is happening. +3!

+ And then there is Ashleigh/Brad eye sex. That's right. +5!

+ Brad goes and saves Ashleigh from a flaming support beam by tackling her, picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder, and escaping a roaring barn fire. Well. +4!

+ So, I can't give Mike many points just as a basic rule. However, he rides Pride through a flaming wall, almost rivaling Brad's level of general awesomeness. But because I kind of doubt a horse is going to randomly burst through a flaming wall, I will only give this one point. +1!

+ Dani slaps Noah. This is deserved and needs to happen more often. +2!

+ Brad tells Ashleigh that he had to choose between her and Pride during the barn fire. And obviously he chose her because they are so obviously in love because they are dedicated friends who have eye sex a lot. +2!

+ Pride looks like a racehorse, whereas Wonder always looked like a very stout plow pony. +1!

Good: 33

The Bad:

- MIKE. Your stupid plans to train Wonder after she's just barely recovered from her broken leg are stupid. Please seek therapy. -3

- MIKE. Cantering away from your paying clients and leaving them in a field because they keep calling you Michael means -3

- NOAH. You are annoying. -2

Bad: 8

33-8=25

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25

That one time when Cindy freaked out over nothing for twelve years.

Cindy's Bold Start
by Mary Newhall Anderson

I have a soft spot for this cover, only because I think this is the best depiction of Cindy in the history of Thoroughbred book covers. At least, the best depictions of adult Cindy, and considering there were only three of those covers and one of those only showed the back of her head, it doesn't have a lot of competition. The rest of it brings up some questions, mainly involving the horse and the tack. That's a huge horse. Look at all of that space between Cindy's knee and the front of the horse's chest. It's like a racing Clydesdale. Also, that is not a racing saddle. Plus, there is no view to speak of at Belmont Park, but I still like the overall composition.

What will Cindy do now?
When Cindy McLean goes back to Belmont to clean out her apartment, she finds her old diary and is taken back to the days when she started racing in New York, after she fled Dubai...

Find out what happened in Cindy's own words as she struggled to compete against the best male jockeys in the country. She was new to the tough Belmont trainers and had trouble getting rides. But Cindy never stopped trying, and in time she was winning big races on a filly no one else thought could run.

Now that Cindy can't ride anymore, her life has changed drastically. She'll need to tap some of that old determination as she sets off boldly in a new direction.

This is a really horrible summary. Why read the book now? Not only do you know what happens, they don't even bother to spark your interest. Cindy struggles, Cindy succeeds, Cindy must tap some old determination and guzzle it down like a binge drinker at a keg party... What is the point?