Apr 26, 2009

Pretty Woman isn't that entertaining, okay?

Wildfire
2.11: Who Are You

I'm glad to see everyone is falling back into their former roles in this episode. Brad is wealthy, Mike is insecure yet somehow attractive to older women, Ashleigh will do anything for Wonder, Ian is cheap and far too dramatic, Dani is manipulative, Jean wears pants that are too tight, and Ashleigh makes poor relationship choices.

Brad and Dani are holding the annual Townsend charity event, because to not hold the charity event would appear weak. All of the most fabulous will be there, dancing the foxtrot and such things, and because the Breeders' Invitational is an invitational in the truest sense of the word, Chad decides that Ashleigh should go and sweet talk Samantha McLean into casting her super shiny vote for Wonder instead of, say, Her Majesty. But Ashleigh does not know how to foxtrot! Nor does she know how to eat dessert when in the presence of rich people! And she wears tank tops over long sleeved tops! Clearly this means we need to reenact Pretty Woman. And we do. Oh...we do. If I knew how to vid, I would take this scene...

Chad: Don't slouch. Good posture shows confidence.
Ashleigh: I'm not slouching.
Chad: Yes. You are.

... and loop it over and over, because it's hilarious. Anyway, Chad informs Ashleigh of the "outside in" rule, and Ashleigh does her very best Julia Roberts impression. And then he buys her a spiffy dress and teaches her how to dance. Seriously, this went on way too long, and I really hated Chad by the end of it.

Meanwhile, Dani is going through a similar situation with Brad, only it is more along the lines of: "distract Samantha with your charming ways and get her vote for Her Majesty." And Brad rolls his eyes.

At the party, everyone foxtrots to...maybe Swan Lake? (And is it weird that I only know Swan Lake from this cartoon that I cannot believe I have memorized for some reason?) Ashleigh gets there and everyone is staring at her because she looks awesome in red and she's there with Mike as a pity date because no one his age likes him. Brad stares longingly at her before being distracted by some blond girl I will call Melinda. (Also, is it weird that all of his brief flings are blond? Why does this show always fall perfectly in sync with Thoroughbred? Why?) Melinda is in a female band called The Victims, and she's a little torn about this, but not enough, and Brad doesn't care, just for the record.

Eventually Ashleigh runs into Samantha in the bathroom, but she doesn't realize it's Samantha and predictably blurts out that she's supposed to kiss Samantha's ass for the benefit of her horse. Samantha says nothing, just complains about her ex-boyfriend. *coughforeshadowingcough* And then Samantha, for reasons I cannot begin to explain, falls in love with Mike despite this fantastic line that he blurts out upon her asking him to dance:

"Me? Uh, I um, I'm broke, I live with my mother, and my dad's a con man."

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

And Ian knows how to tango? And maybe how to swing dance? And he actually cracked a smile? And no one almost died as a result?

So, as it turns out Samantha was dating Chad, who broke up with her via voicemail. Samantha rejects Brad in favor of Mike (which means she also makes poor relationship decisions), but it means Brad and Ashleigh get to dance together and have fun and are oozing awesomeness all over the place, which Chad immediately picks up on because he sucks and can't allow that much awesomeness to exist on a fundamental level, so he cuts in and everything takes a nosedive shortly after.

Melinda rejects Brad because he is "land wealthy, money poor," the charity becomes a rush of creditors, Ashleigh doesn't get Samantha's vote because everyone walks in on Ashleigh making out with Chad, who is...an awful human being who breaks up with people on voicemail! How dare he!

So Samantha goes with Her Majesty and Ashleigh is left to rue the day she ever decided to pay attention to the .o1% of her that is attracted to Chad.

No comments: