Canada takes things seriously, okay?

Sometimes we all make silly choices.

Such as the choice I made last weekend to buy season two of The Adventures of the Black Stallion because it was $5 at Target. And with the remains of my gift card, that made it free. You know, that beautiful word I look for when hunting for horse-themed anything. Free.

Today I popped in a disc and reveled in the cracktasticness of this thoroughly horrible show. Today we will be discussing the episode Almost Home, because Alec and The Black have finished up with their French shenanigans and have decided to head on back to the good 'ol U.S. of A.

Only they are diverted to Canada, where our merry story will take place.

Alec starts off this episode by summing up his time in France. Oh, there was beautiful sightseeing and chances to meet new people, plus lots of fun new challenges like steeplechases and running from people on motorcycles and accidentally setting off a box of grenades that cause magical things like money showers! Ah, those silly, silly French! What a wonderous people!

However, all good things must come to an end, and so our band of heroes accidentally lands in Canada. For some reason, The Black must spend some amount of time in quarantine as they wait for their next flight. The vet at the quarantine center spends his time telling his helper son that he's an idiot, causing him to do pseudo-abusive things like throwing grain at horses. The horror.

Meanwhile, Nicole (French bandit/stable worker) has hidden herself in a pile of shrink wrapped cargo. How she survived is questionable, but she pops out and says, "America! I will find my lost father here, surely!" And Alec says, "Yeah, actually this is Canada. Good job, Nicole."  Then he walks off laughing. He's such a great friend.

Over at the quarantine facility, after Alec has yelled that he's not supposed to be here and the vet has helpfully informed him that he is, in fact, here, Julien the stable hand has taken the horses hostage with noise makers and a water gun. This is his domain! Bow to Julien and his party supplies! The Black, of course, immediately attracts his outrage. There's...noise made in the stallion's direction. It was probably shocking and horrible. There was probably glitter involved. Later on, Alec decides to exercise The Black, who takes that moment to attack Julien. Julien dives under a truck and The Black literally tries to crawl underneath it so he can punch the guy in the face with his hoof.

This results in The Black visiting the time out chair (ie, a small wooden box). Alec is appalled and begins to hatch a plan to bust The Black out of a government facility. Julien breaks out his taser, but he's too busy monologuing to The Black about how he feels so powerless and unloved to actually use it before Alec crawls through a window and tackles him. The Black gets out of his time out chair, stomps on Julien, who submits and cries about how he'll never be a vet. No one loves him. He should just be punched in the face!

Alec, after thoroughly kicking the crap out of him, decides that he's above punching Julien in the face. The vet is fired. Julien is helped off by a confused bystander. The Black is probably released from quarantine early, or it's possible that Alec and Nicole ride double on The Black's back, gloriously romping through the Canadian countryside on their way to the border, which we all know no one cared about in the early 90s. I'm sure they rode like the wind.

Hold on to your butts as Jessie Takes the Reins

Oh my God the Pony Camp trilogy. Just... my. God. Remember those books you read as a kid, the ones you loved but gave away for some reason, leaving them to ferment in your memories until you know you know that book, but can't exactly remember it? These are those books for me. I swear I must have had them damn near memorized at one point, but they hit the table at some garage sale or another. As I was putzing around the interwebs I unintentionally rediscovered them. Of course I HAD to order them. I mean, the nostalgia!!



Pony Camp vol. 1
Jessie Takes the Reins
by Susan Saunders

Will Jessie ever learn how to ride?

Jessie has always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. Now she's going to pony camp to meet the beautiful horse of her dreams. But Ranger isn't what Jessie expected.

He's spotted. He's stubborn. He's short.

And he doesn't like Jessie any more than she likes him!

Jessie wanted to be a great rider overnight. But learning to ride Ranger is really hard. What's worse, snobby Maxine from Jessie's third-grade class is a great rider who thinks she knows everything. Will Jessie need help from bossy Maxine to make her dream come true?

That's a long ass synopsis for a 90 page book, and it's not really all that accurate. Awesome.

So eight year old - I MEAN EIGHT AND A HALF since she mentions it twice on the first page (God it's first person narrative) - Jessie Johnson is a horse fanatic who's going to pony camp (no really?). She's also an idiot, but I'm getting ahead of myself. She's "read every horse book in the library, so I'm an expert on horses."

Jessie and her BFF Pam are off to this day camp where Jessie KNOWS you guys that she's going from beginner to expert in like five minutes, because she knows EVERYTHING about horses. Yep. She has wet dreams over the huge black thoroughbred that will be her magikal steed, named Thunder or something equally cliche.

Anyway, Jessie and Pam and put in a group with a fat boy named Peter, who is fat and messy and has a stupid haircut and eats candy all the time and ISN'T JESSIE'S NARRATIVE A GEM YOU GUYS? As well as Maxine who is neat and tidy and a good student and bad at sports and therefore a huge bitch and Jessie and Pam hate her OMG. Seriously, we get a lot of info about why Maxine is hate worthy. I mean, when Jessie hears Maxine has been taking riding lessons for a few months and is a natural, Jessie nearly shits her pants over how much that CAN'T be true.

So THEN Jessie meets the horse she's been assigned, an Appaloosa named Ranger. And apparently a spotted horse is a world ending situation, because while a black horse or a white horse would be an appropriate mount for little miss bitch, I mean bitch, I MEAN JESSIE - a black and white horse is OMG ugly kill it with fire.

But Ranger has the sense to be unimpressed with Jessie as well, and when Jessie utterly fails at EVERYTHING Jessie declares the HORSE has an attitude problem.

But if there isn't enough drama for you yet, we get introduced to our main antagonists, Kevin and Lisa Harris, and Lisa's BFF Sally. They're pretty much carbon copies of every horse book antagonist EVER. Except they really don't do anything in this book except trash talk. More on that later.

So the first time Jessie get's in the saddle she closes her eyes and lifts into a jump position and Ranger has the GALL to MOVE HIS HEAD A LITTLE BIT WHILE STANDING STILL. Jessie is ill prepared to handle such a wild movement and is pulled out of the saddle and onto his neck. Clearly this horse is out to get her. The first time they try a trot Jessie falls off and demands a new horse because Ranger is horse Satan or something.

So then there's some more smack talking from the Harris siblings that culminates in a swimming race which our "heroes" win. I fail to see the point.

And finally, Jessie happens to see an older rider taking Ranger over some jumps and gets all hot for the horse and decides to keep riding him instead of another horse, which Ranger is no doubt thrilled over. And we are treated to a saccharine ending in which Jessie comes to realize that she IS in fact a beginner. Gasp.

Things of note:

None of our four are typical horse book protagonists. Jessie and Pam are good students who love playing sports of all kinds. Maxine is very neat and tidy. Peter is... um... well, he doesn't really count.

The synopsis led me to believe that Maxine was the antagonist. And Pam and Jessie go on and on about what a bitch she is before she actually shows up in the book. Their proof of her bitchiness is: she's clean, bad at sports, and quiet. From the moment she appears she obviously has low self esteem, tries hard to be nice and helpful, and never comes across as condescending despite the fact that she OBVIOUSLY is a more knowledgeable and experienced rider.

Jessie is a bitch to her own BFF, getting mad at her for asking dumb questions and getting impatient with her for being nervous around horses. OUR HERO YOU ALL.

So obviously this thing doesn't coast on nostalgia, but then again as I read it I was reminded of the fact that I thought Jessie was a know it all bitch even when I myself was a young horse crazy child, so there you go.

War Horse (teaser trailer)

Firehorse - A review!

Firehorse
by Diane Lee Wilson
2010

My first horsey read in ages! I had not heard of this book before finding it in a second hand bookshop a few days previously. What a stellar read!

Firehorse focuses on fifteen year-old Rachel, her struggles with her family and their beliefs that a stable is no place for a girl. While Rachel dreams of galloping astride a horse, her father holds her back and insists on her acting as a girl in the 1800s should. Be meek and submissive and cast a good impression for the family's rise up social ladders.

Then The Governor's Girl comes into her life. The Girl is a Firehorse, one of a team of four that pulls the fire engines around Boston. Close to death and badly burned, The Girl is a spirited, willful animal that would prefer to plant a hoof in the head of any human rather than
allow them to help her.

Through The Girl, Rachel learns that she does have a place: as a veterinarian.

Hey, look. I am not a fan of historical fiction but there is something special about this novel. It is more than the healing power of love a la many horse novels out there. *cough* Rachel actually has complex
relationships with her family (and the rather hunky vet) and has her own personal battles to win too.

The writing is fantastic. The plot complex and intriguing. It is so good, in fact, that I cannot be snarky about it. Read it and do not be put off by the setting. Any horse-lover will enjoy this one!

A Vamp in the Stalls - Yea or Nay?

So...

Strange things are happening on the horse farm. It all started with the arrival of Gato, a little horse from South America. He was sluggish. Extremely sluggish. And under his mane were tiny bite marks. A creepy disease? Jarrod thought there was a vampire bat on the loose and went looking for it. I thought it would be fun, hanging out with Jarrod. But it’s not fun anymore. Jarrod’s getting paler by the day and he’s acting weird. And Tsar, my favorite pony, is sick now, too. What is really going on inside the barn? 

I'm thinking I may need to read this.Who else thinks this needs to happen?

New Books

Dare to Dream
by Valerie Lilian
Pub Date: 3/15/2011

Dreams only lead to disappointment. I've had dreams of finding a family and of having my own horse. Something always goes wrong. Look what happened when I took a ride with those boys. The main reason I went was to see some dumb horses; horses that landed me in the hospital and are soon to land me in that hole they call a home. My dreams are history. If I expect the worst I won't be disappointed. Jan Allen wakes up in the hospital after a drunk-driving accident with high school friends. Although innocent, Jan is no longer wanted by her foster parents and is forced to return to the horrible girl's home upon her recovery. Jan used to live in a dream world, but after twelve years of foster-homes and countless foster families, she's convinced herself that dreams do not come true. When Jan meets Tammy, a competitive horse rider, her life is changed forever. Tammy's elaborate schemes present Jan with her dream horse and a compassionate young cowboy. But Jan's dream becomes a nightmare when she crosses paths with Celia, a jealous and vengeful girl who stops at nothing to see Jan ruined. Dare to dream is an exhilarating story filled with the magic of horses, teenage romance, and the struggles of a young girl who Dared to Dream. 

Finding Somewhere
by Joseph Monninger
Pub Date: 11/8/11

Two girls: Best friends Hattie and Delores feel that life in their small New Hampshire town is a dead end.
One horse: Old and about to be put down, Speed gets a reprieve when Hattie and Delores decide to save him.
A road trip: Determined to set Speed free, Hattie and Delores drive him west in search of rangeland. But the road takes some unexpected turns as the girls get their own taste of freedom—and as they confront the reasons they left home.

True Blue
by Jane Smiley
Pub Date: 9/27/11

True Blue is a beauty, a dappled gray, and when Abby gets to take him to her family's ranch, she can hardly believe her luck. The horse needs a home: his owner—a woman brand new to the riding stable--was tragically killed in a car crash and no one has claimed him. Daddy is wary, as always. But Abby is smitten. True Blue is a sweetheart, and whenever Abby calls out, "Blue, Blue, how are you?" he  whinnies back.

But sometimes True Blue seems...spooked. He paces, and always seems to be looking for something. Or someone. Abby starts to wonder about True Blue's owner. What was she like? What did she look like? One moonlit night, Abby could swear she hears a whisper in her ear: "He's still my horse." Filled with riding scenes and horse details, this newest middle-grade novel from a Pulitzer Prize-winner offers a mysterious and suspenseful almost-ghost story.

Star Gazer
by Chris Platt
Pub Date: 9/1/11

Thirteen-year-old Jordan McKenzie loves draft horses gentle giants, as they're known in the horse industry. Her favorite is the sweet, dependable Black Percheron, and she hopes that her mom will let her have one someday. But considering they don't own even one animal on the small farm they rent in their new southern Michigan town, that seems very unlikely. Jordan's fortunes change at a local livestock auction. With the help of a Mennonite boy, Jacob Yoder, she and her mom bid on a draft mare who is in danger of being sold to a slaughterhouse. She's thrilled to become the proud owner of a large, two-thousand-pound draft horse named Star Gazer. But Jordan's joy is short-lived when she learns that her new horse, once the winner of many log pulling contests, is lame and depressed due to years of neglect. Furious, Jordan vows to beat Star Gazer's former owner in the state pulling contest at the end of the summer but can she get Star Gazer's health and confidence back?

 Winter Pony
by Iain Lawrence
Pub Date: 11/8/11

In the forests of Siberia, in the first years of the 20th century, a white pony runs free with his herd. But his life changes forever when he's captured by men. Years of hard work and cruelty wear him out. When he's chosen to be one of 20 ponies to accompany the Englishman Robert Falcon Scott on his quest to become the first to reach the South Pole, he doesn't know what to expect. But the men of Scott's expedition show him kindness, something he's never known before. They also give him a name—James Pigg. As Scott's team hunkers down in Antarctica, James Pigg finds himself caught up in one of the greatest races of all time. The Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen has suddenly announced that he too means to be first to the Pole. But only one team can triumph, and not everyone can survive—not even the animals.

Flicka: Part Deux

Flicka 2
2010

Carrie is a big-city teenager whose life is turned upside down when she moves to a horse ranch in Wyoming to live with her father. But everything changes when Carrie meets Flicka, a wild, jet-black mustang who's just as free-spirited and strong-willed as Carrie. The two form a special bond and Carrie opens her heart to her father and a handsome, local boy, but when a jealous rival puts Flicka's life in jeopardy, Carrie must do whatever it takes to save her best friend.

I would just like to point out that I had the option of watching this as an in-flight movie back in July, but I decided not to do that because I was sitting next to someone I did not want to embarrass myself in front of. Probably not because I was watching a really dumb movie, but because I would have started snickering like crazy in public. Sort of like what happened when I watched Twilight over the Atlantic and my friend kept giving me these weird looks when I couldn't contain my laughter.

I wasn't going to do that again. I am an adult, damn it!