In case you wanted more of Jockeys...

Animal Planet has ordered seven hour long episodes to arrive in late summer. Garrett Gomez and Corey Nakatani will be added to the cast. So I guess this means we'll see more footage of Garrett walking around in a suit and acting like he's Batman. And maybe we'll see Corey punch someone. What fun this will be!

(Full announcement here.)

Random note on Jockeys

So did anyone watch the end of Jockeys and wonder why they thought they could spin the Breeders' Cup as being all about Mike Smith? How did that happen?

The Classic has and will always be the last race on the card for the Breeders' Cup. I'm sorry, Animal Planet, but you failed so hard. If you're going to wrap up a show that is all about racing, that just happens to hit its finale during the Breeders' Cup, and you're going for what some might call realism (as this is "reality" and all) you can't ever try to convince people that filly and mare races somehow get the limelight, because they don't. Ever. The big headline of the Breeders' Cup was that Curlin lost. Zenyatta won, which is great and all, but that was a footnote to the CURLIN LOST moment. Okay? Okay.

Oh, reality television. Never stop being so factually inconsistent and/or blatantly wrong for the sake of a random storyline no one really cares that much about.

Jockeys: Yeah, I can't think of a title.

Jockeys
1.4: Losing Grace

I remember liking this episode, but oddly I don't have a lot to say about it. After serving as a supporting character in the first three episodes, Jon Court arrives on his motorcycle to shock and awe us with a truly impressive display of cursing that is, thanks to our adorable American sensitivity, bleeped out entirely. Although you know what he's saying, and it's stuff I don't even say. Normally.

Anyway, Jon Court tells us that he's extremely blessed (maybe, I honestly don't remember, but he probably thinks that so if he didn't say that verbatim, I'll gladly shove those words in his mouth), but he's never gotten to, like, the very pinnacle of greatness, so there's a little bitter spot in him that he's worrying over. He rides in some race that doesn't turn out well for him, so he flips and has that moment with the boots (making Garrett Gomez look a little disturbed). People assure him that he "rode good," and Jon has some choice words for the horses he rides. Jon, sweetie, it's in poor taste to bad mouth the horses you ride. But it's okay, I like you anyway.

Kayla wanders around looking for rides, Jon eats dinner with his family and has another one of those weird Jack and Coke moments with his wife, who obviously is not taking this staged drama well and decides she needs to go check on these cookies she's baking in a desperate attempt to get out of the shot.

There is some more Kayla drama as she finishes poorly in many, many races and the shots make the entire track look like they really care about her performance. Especially that guy in the white tank top. I really got sick of him, to be honest. Actually, I could do without seeing most of the people at the track. It also just occurred to me that the race calls are all redone for the benefit of the jockeys on this program, and this show makes a piss poor attempt to point out where the jockeys we care about are in the race. Like, hovering Kayla's name near a pack of horses doesn't exactly tell me where she is on the track. Not even if you make her name purple. Or yellow. It doesn't help me. These people need to discover the amazing helpfulness of arrows. And then Kayla wins a race, so we can all take a breath for Kayla and move on to Jon Court, who wins a race on Orthodox, an "up and coming two-year-old" who finished seventh in the Juvenile Turf last year. Jon Court is all smiles, and Joe Talamo suddenly comes out of nowhere to congratulate him in that irritating way of his, gaining a few points in my book. Jon smiles some more. Yay Jon.

Next time on Jockeys: Jockey/Mike's Girlfriend (aka Chantal) rides a horse! Also, if you just absolutely need to have the music featured in Jockeys (God only knows why) you can find the song titles here.

Jockeys: It's all about the win.

Jockeys
1.3: At What Cost?

I cannot keep up with television on Fridays, and basically I have Joss Whedon to blame. Frankly, the man loses out to Friday Night Lights, but I have to watch Dollhouse, and then Jockeys gets shoved to later in the night, which is unfortunate because I actually really liked this episode. (And by "really liked" I mean I found myself cheering out loud for Brandon, and I think I cheer out loud at races about three times per year.) Clearly my life revolves around work, books, writing, and television. Yes, I am single. Yes, I own a cat. Shut up.

Okay! Let's talk about the new kid, Brandon. Brandon is twenty and from Chicago, where he comes from a long line of people involved in the racing industry. His dad is a jockey based in Chicago, and apparently not much of a father. Brandon's one great hurdle in life is overcoming his height...he towers to the astonishing five feet, six inches. I'm five four, the average height of jockeys at Santa Anita, I am helpfully informed by the ever wise narrator, so theoretically I've got a better shot of being tossed up on a horse than he does. Bob Baffert comes out of nowhere to hurl his cocky opinion at us (I'm sorry, I just wince every time that man opens his mouth) about Brandon's height, which shouldn't really bother people in the racing industry because Brandon, in one of those dramatic Coke and Jack moments (only this time over french fries...not wise, Brandon!), informs us that he throws up most of his meals.

Yes, weight management is at the forefront this time on Jockeys. Jockeys are weight obsessed; they'll do almost anything to shave off pounds, be it starvation to spending half their afternoon in a hot box. Weight, narrator guy says in dramatic voice over, should be kept at 109 to 112. Brandon, at 5'6", resembles a stick with arms. But it's okay! Brandon gets through this episode without having a camera follow him into the bathroom, and he manages to win a race. I was thrilled for him. The jockeys throw ice water and eggs at him in celebration, sending Kayla into emotional turmoil because, while she got second in her race she wound up being disqualified, leaving her still on the outs and searching for her first, well, anything. She's having a tough time.

Brandon calls his dad, figuring his father probably watched his son's race on the several screens at Arlington, only to learn that his dad forgot he was running in a race because he had a date. Brandon looks suitably crushed. That poor kid. Someone go buy him some sugar free chocolate! Or maybe, like, sugar free Jell-o or something. A ten calorie snack would cheer him up. A Diet Pepsi always cheers me up, Brandon. Go treat yourself. Brandon just ends the phone call with his dad and feels satisfied that he did something his dad never managed: won a race at Oak Tree.

So, let's go back to Kayla. The girl is having a hard time, and she managed to pull at my little heartstrings this time around because she got on her horse in the only race she's running for the afternoon and somehow manages to completely botch it, run up on the heels of another horse, and fall off. Then it looks like she got run over by at least two other horses. Kayla certainly is not going to get her freezing water and raw egg initiation after that.

Next time on Jockeys: we get to see if Kayla lives or dies! And Jon Court apparently has an attitude. That scene of the jockey knocking down all those boots? Totally Jon Court.

Jockeys: Zenyatta!

Jockeys
1.2: One Good Horse

It occurs to me that I didn't watch the Breeders' Cup last year, and sort of completely ignored Zenyatta, who appears in this episode of Jockeys and is easily the star of the whole show. If you don't count Garrett Gomez walking around in slow motion, acting like he's a very short, moody James Bond. So I just need to say that Zenyatta is a gorgeous horse, and I think Chantal harbors some jealousy over the fact that Mike gets to ride her.

Alrighty, so from where we left off, a horse fell and everyone's all "is it Joe?" Because I guess we all really care about Joe. No, actually, Corey Nakatani fell and broke his collar bone. Dear Joe won the race. Now we can ignore Joe and move on to Kayla, an Australian jockey who is trying to break into the scene at Santa Anita, and is finding little luck during morning work outs, where she offers to ride horses for free, like all the other jockeys who are desperate to find and maintain good relationships with trainers. Kayla doesn't do at all well and gets no rides that morning or afternoon, giving her tons of time to drink at a bar with her "friend" who lobs her these questions that obviously give her the opportunity to talk about how she wants to make it big at Santa Anita and that horse racing means so much to her that winning a race is better than sex. Move from here to some high class restaurant somewhere, where Mike Smith and "Jockey/Mike's Girlfriend" Chantal talk about how Mike is experiencing pressure to keep winning the big races, although with these big jockeys, especially when they talk about how that one time they made just over six million in one day, I have a hard time believing that any meet is a make or break situation. Of course, I love Mike Smith, so he can talk and play with the stage drama of this show as much as he likes. Chantal, on the other hand, with her attempt to not look bitter over his riding Zenyatta, needs to get on a horse and shut up.

Race time! Kayla finds a mount, but unfortunately for her she's found a crazy one and comes in last. Then we can leave her for a while and focus on Garrett Gomez as he saunters in his suit, and then lazes around the jockeys' room half naked while others talk about how he's got an attitude compared to Mike Smith's happy-go-lucky awesomeness. Power rider vs finesse rider, is the point. Garrett is riding Hysterical Lady in the Lady's Secret, and she's virtually the only other filly that could beat Zenyatta. I know how this turns out, so it's not shocking when Zenyatta pulls off to win the Lady's Secret as Chantal cheers Mike on in the jockeys' room. Chantal...get on a damn horse already. Is she going to ride on this show, or be a girlfriend? It's also not shocking when a montage rolls through. Garrett Gomez glares at unspecified things, while Mike Smith blesses babies. I liked the end of this episode. Mike Smith smiles and says he's just happy he gets to ride Zenyatta. Sunsets and kisses for everyone!

The remarkably forced melodrama is not so hot (i.e. awkward introspective moments over Jack and Coke!), but the rest of it is actually interesting. I just don't want to see Mike and Chantal having relationship issues on camera. That will probably be my breaking point.

Next week: bulimia! Don't think jockeying is all fun rivalries, drinking and glory, kids.

Jockeys: Because I can't help myself, I'm taking a quick detour into reality tv.

Jockeys
1.1: Starting Gate

You know, for one horrible moment this show reminded me of The Fast and the Furious...just without Vin Diesel and illegal street racing. Which reminds me of the time I accidentally found myself within an impromptu street race, but that was on a highway about two miles from New Jersey (where I'm sure this happens all the time...because it's New Jersey) and it was sort of awesome. People should always drive gaudy yellow cars at 100+ miles per hour on the freaking shoulder of insanely busy highways. Right?

Anyway, I make this comparison because of the music selection in Jockeys. Because I'm pretty sure those people in the gaudy yellow cars listen to similar crap while they're street racing in New Jersey during rush hour.

Never fear! Jockeys is not about illegal horse racing in the streets of New Jersey. It's about legal horse racing on the synthetic race track of Santa Anita, in Los Angeles. We have the following jockeys to follow during the Oak Tree Meet, which all took place last year:

Joe Talamo (18, arrogant, probably will get punched in the face eventually.)
Mike Smith (The really, really, ridiculously talented one.)
Jon Court (Looks really, really familiar, but fails to jog my memory.)
Kayla Stra (Girl. Prefers racing horses to having sex.)
Chantal Sutherland (Girl. Probably prefers having sex to racing horses.)
Aaron Gryder (Family man. Also looks familiar, but again I fail to remember him.)

We start off our program with the music and the montages, because if anything horse racing programs rely heavily on montages. Then, once I am thoroughly convinced that horse racing is dangerous for everyone, we skip to Aaron and his kids. Aaron plays with his kids, totally not pandering to the camera crew, I'm sure. We learn that Aaron is riding at Pomona before Oak Tree, where Joe Talamo is surely going to be, acting like he has some rivalry with Aaron, who seems to not outwardly pay him any attention.

"When people ask me what my son does for a living, I tell them that he's a jockey," says Joe Talamo's mother, while my mother decides she's not a fan of this show, gets up and mutters, "I guess that's what you would have to say seeing as how that's what he does." Thanks, Mom! She took the words right out of my mouth. Like mother, like daughter.

Anyway, much is made of how Joe is "young, aggressive, cocky" while Joe shoots his mouth off and Aaron looks like he wishes someone else would walk over to the kid and smack him in the mouth. Aaron is currently too good to care much about him, but we'll see how that goes. The show continues to reinforce that jockeying is dangerous, okay, and considering the race footage to wreck footage ratio, a totally ignorant person would probably assume that something awful happens in every race run. Nice, Animal Planet.

To balance this out, Chaplain Pete is here to pray for everyone, just in case you didn't think race tracks had chaplains...and I actually didn't know that they did. This seems a little sacrilegious, given the whole point of horse racing is gambling, and, you know, I remember my Southern Methodist Bible school, unfortunately, well enough to find the humor here. People sort of put up with the prayer, and then they get out there to race some more in a big horse race, where Tice shows up. A horse I actually remembered immediately as Silverbulletday's 2002 foal, formerly named Duckornodinner. Just thought I'd throw that out there. The little guy was claimed last year to the trainer you see in this show, so let this serve as a reminder: sometimes a horse gets claimed and then winds up on a reality show! Happy endings do happen!

Well, anyway. Tice happens to suck in this race, finishing out of the money under Aaron, while Joe goes and wins on a horse called Booyah, probably inadvertently setting the scene for the rest of the series. I find this fitting because now we get to talk about Chantal Sutherland, the jockey who did that underwear photo shoot a few years ago. She is also Mike Smith's girlfriend, so she will be forever known in this show as "Jockey/Mike's Girlfriend." And she cries a lot about leaving Canada for Mike in Los Angeles, and spends most of her time this episode supporting Mike and taking over his closet space.

Another big race rolls around, in which it looks like Joe may or may not have fallen, because we go to credits and a preview of the next episodes, when Chantal continues in her girlfriend role by privately musing to Mike if she should go back to Canada and Mike calls her "man" and indicates he'll be just fine. Oh, Chantal, go get on a horse and stop supplying the romantic drama, okay? And Gary Stevens comes out of nowhere to play with fire. Yay Gary!

So I'm definitely going to watch more. If only because I can't wait to see someone punch Joe in the face.