Fear the insecure teen with green hair!

Season 1, Episode 2: Stray, Part 2
Aired: March 11, 2000

We're bouncing back to season one in this installment, mainly because I don't care to watch them in order, it's not really necessary to watch them in order, and my television makes it impossible to deduce any semblance of order. So here we are, back at the beginning, more or less. Stray is a three-part episode, and we've landed in the middle of it, pretty much right when Caitlin arrives in Montana.

We start out with the bus ride. Caitlin is having flashbacks to when her life was all fantastic and such. Her mom was alive and constantly read to her from a book about a horse called Bandit and everything is so great it gives Caitlin a chance to get all emo in present time. Naturally an Angela Lansbury look alike is sitting next to her, eager for spoil Caitlin rotten and listen to all of her problems. Caitlin is reticent to do this, but eventually she gets over it and before you know it Angela Lansbury is succeeding in buying her film for Caitlin's manual camera. Caitlin takes a moment to reflect about life, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, Griffen is annoyed that his parents are taking on this cousin of his. I guess as it turns out they're first cousins once removed? Maybe? Anyway, Brett and Eric are intrigued by the new addition and ask Griffen about her. Griffen doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't care what she looks like, even when Brett exclaims, "But she's a girl!" Brett, obviously Griffen would not be interested in Caitlin's appearance. Besides being related to her, he is gay. It is so screamingly obvious by this point.

So Griffen and his parents jump in their massive Jeep and go get Caitlin at the bus stop. Immediately Caitlin and Griffen establish some rules, mainly consisting of staying out of each other's way, and when they get there they are immediately ambushed by Brett and Eric, who are just so excited they cannot contain themselves any longer. They have to get a look. This results in Eric wiggling his butt at her as he rides his bike. Griffen apologizes for Eric's inane behavior, just warning Caitlin to watch out for that one. Caitlin ominously declares that Eric will have to watch out for her, you guys. Caitlin is so bad ass.

At the ranch, Caitlin is all forlorn that Montana is not like Philadelphia in that there is nothing in Montana. Then she's all wary of Dori giving her a whole room to herself. How dare people be nice and expect nothing in return.

Meanwhile, these two guys are trying to illegally round up a band of very tame mustangs, of which Bandit is the stallion. I should mention that one of them is Andy Dick. The other one is Dave Thomas. I have no idea why they are in this. None at all. Dave Thomas is the slightly competent rustler who rides a four wheeler and Andy Dick is the totally incompetent rustler on a horse. Andy Dick also has a rope he calls Wilbur. And he seems to not know what it does while being able to chase Bandit down with it and rope him with it. I say he doesn't really know what the rope is, or how to use it, because he spends a good portion of the time messing around with it and looking at it as if it might bite him. Then he falls off the horse and manages to get rope burn on his hands despite wearing gloves.

I HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY?

That said, let's move on. Andy Dick ropes Bandit, Bandit gets away, and proceeds to get caught in the woods. Cue Caitlin, who's off roaming the Montana wilderness because she feels like it, okay? She's bad ass and she'll do what she damn well wants, OKAY? There's also a rabid wolf running around. Have I set the scene properly? OKAY.

Caitlin stumbles across Bandit after Bandit has already kicked the rabid wolf in the side. She frees Bandit, only to have the wolf come back. She throws a rock at the wolf and it runs away. Again. This was all very anticlimactic. Bandit runs away, having done not much to save his future special person. This leads us back to the rustlers, whose new plan is to tempt the herd of non-wild horses using salt blocks. Andy Dick talks about Moby Dick a lot, and gets very confused because, you know, he's incompetent.

After this, it's first day of school time, kids. Caitlin spends extra time primping and comes up with this ensemble:

That picture doesn't even show the bindi and the hair glitter. She's like a walking, sacrilegious glow stick. Caitlin is basically Melanie of Thoroughbred if Mel had been slightly more stereotypical. So Griffen tries to clue Caitlin in on how things work at the school, such as which tables in the cafeteria are cool and which aren't. Caitlin just shuts him down here and now, telling him that she knows, you guys. She hasn't even been to this school before and she knows it as if she's been there her whole life. Like that guy there? (Eric.) He's the asshole (obviously, Caitlin, you met him already.) That guy? (Brett) He's the guy everyone wants to be and every girl wants to have sex with. This girl? (Taylor) She's the girl everyone wants to be and every guy wants to have sex with. (Awesomely enough, Taylor perks up here. Taylor beats Caitlin every time in terms of being awesome.) This guy? (Poor nameless soul.) He's the guy no one wants to talk to. YOU? (Griffen.) You're the guy who's worried about cool lunch tables. You SUCK, Griffen. Caitlin has just told you everything you need to know about EVERYTHING simply by judging people by their outward appearance. Nicely done, Caitlin. That wasn't totally shallow and emotionally immature or anything. Then, to ram the point home that Caitlin is awesome and knows all, she already knows that the principal's office is down the hall and to the right. She knows the plan of the school because she is that super amazing.

Griffen is not thrilled, pegging her an egotistical bitch. Well, those are my words. But you know that's what he wants to say. So Caitlin gets her schedule and comes back to her English class, where, of course, EVERYONE important to the story is located. Eric immediately labels her a freak in front of the class. Taylor gives her that "I'm better than you" look. Griffen tries to not appear interested. Brett, of course, is very interested because he is the polar opposite of Griffen. The teacher tells Eric to shut it and swiftly hands down punishment for being an ass hat -- a ten page research paper. Seriously, this is the same guy that made Caitlin and Griffen clean the boy's bathroom as punishment for spraying soda. This guy is the most creative high school teacher ever.

Anyway, he tells Caitlin to introduce herself. She comes up with: "Well, I never really wanted to come here. I don't expect you to like me, and I don't expect to like you! So stay out of my face and no one gets hurt!"

Yeah, that's right. The girl with the green streaks in her hair and the bindi and the glitter is going to KICK YOUR ASS. Suitably, no one is impressed and Caitlin is left looking like a deflated, glittery moron as she stomps to the back of the classroom and takes a seat.

And that concludes Stray, Part 2. Ironically, I much prefer Season Two Caitlin, the girl that desperately wants to be all bad ass, but is very obviously trying desperately for popularity and acceptance and a life of living by the rules. Season Two Caitlin is uncool and nonthreatening and much more hilarious because this makes her that much more petulant. Season One Caitlin just gets on my nerves. Green hair? We already got Melanie's reason for green hair: insecurity and low self-esteem. This is boring, and hits Caitlin right on the mark. Perhaps we'll be back with Season Two Caitlin next time.

Of course it's all about Caitlin.

Season 2, Episode 46: All About Caitlin
Aired: March 17, 2002

In case you might have missed it, Caitlin is an ARTIST. This means that she has to stand on Bandit's back and take pictures of this by herself, not only proving how serious she is as a photographer, but also how mindlessly reckless she's capable of being. The only problem is, Bandit doesn't feel like cooperating. So Caitlin calls in Griffen to keep Bandit still right up until the picture, when Griffen has to dodge out of the frame. The point of all of this is that Caitlin is an ARTIST and therefore feels the deep, unyielding urge to branch out and copy someone else's work.

What she's aiming to do, but isn't actually stated, is she's double exposing...the lazy way. True double exposing is exposing the actual film multiple times. Caitlin is taking photos and projecting them on top of each other. That's not challenging. For some reason Caitlin is treating this as if only one other person in the world has come up with this technique...and has used it to superimpose an image of dolphins on top of something else...I don't know. It's not important. What is important is that these people don't know what they're talking about.

So she's got, like, TONS of work to do in the darkroom they suddenly have at the ranch. Too much work to do in order to play with Brett's little sister, Julie, who is staying with Caitlin's family while her family is out of town. Julie is boarding her horse at the ranch, so she desperately wants to go riding with Caitlin and be cool...like Caitlin. Only Caitlin is way busy. She has to go be an ARTIST, and that takes precedent.

Meanwhile, Griffen and Taylor are arguing over the yearbook. Taylor wants an actual book, and Griffen wants it to be online. I have never heard of online yearbooks, but then I graduated high school in 1999, before it was possible to accidentally e-mail porn to an entire student body. Anyway, Griffen gets the teacher's approval for an online yearbook before Taylor can get to the school, but the teacher wants to see the whole thing by Monday, giving them the weekend to complete what seems (to me) a gigantic and impossible project. Taylor is pissed off because a) she wanted a book and b) she seems to be operating under some strange delusion that Griffen has been pining for her since kindergarten. I thought it was well known by know that Griffen is gay. I mean, he tried with this Nicole girl, but it ended in failure. As we all knew it would. Well, it looks like Griffen has another test to pass. Taylor tells her friend via cell phone as she's standing in the middle of nowhere that she'll just make sure she and Griffen won't be in the same room together, making it impossible for him to declare his love for her, because she and Brett are happy now and she doesn't need more male attention.

That said, they go off and do their yearbook thing. Taylor is awkward. Griffen doesn't know what her problem is (obviously). Julie starts to nag Caitlin by randomly barging into this makeshift darkroom whenever she feels like it (clearly no one understands the basic premise of a darkroom to the point that even the name of the room wasn't enough to drill it home that light in a darkroom is bad). Julie wants attention, and Caitlin doesn't want to give it to her. Essentially, Julie wants Caitlin to teach her how to vault. By this she means she wants Caitlin to teach her how to stand up on her horse's back. Caitlin tells her that she did it with Bandit because Bandit trusts her and blah blah blah...totally leaving out the fact that Griffen had to keep Bandit still. Naturally Caitlin would be loathe to admit that there is no bond between her and Bandit. In all the episodes I've seen she's either accidentally injured him, done something stupid, or he's dumped her and run off to save himself. What a bond.

So Julie decides to vault by herself, but that doesn't work. So she gets Bandit out and tries to vault with him, and Bandit goes crazy because ONLY ONE PERSON CAN RIDE HIM and that person is Caitlin. So Caitlin has a temper tantrum about Julie riding her horse, which makes her sound all of about five. Then she storms off to the darkroom to do some more lazy double exposing. Julie then starts listening to Caitlin's CDs and then finds Caitlin's leather jacket and starts to wear it, while Taylor accidentally tells her that Caitlin was a juvenile delinquent and has a record and that's meaningful to Julie for some reason. So Julie rides her horse around and Caitlin is missing a roll of film that she finds in the paddock after reaming Julie out about taking her jacket, only the film has been exposed. Damn it all. Sigh sigh huff sigh storm off again.

Back in Griffen's cabin, because he has one now, Taylor has accidentally screwed up his computer by exposing it to the "love bug virus." Only Griffen has the strongest anti-virus software known to man and it's okay. Then the two get into it again and Taylor accuses him of liking her. He denies this (of course) and asks her if she only wants men to like her because she's lacking affection at home. OH MY GOD, this is it! Taylor's dad is, you know, not much of a dad. So they decide to become friends.

Then Caitlin decides that her lazy double exposing sucks. It just is not as good as this other guy with his dolphins. Julie comes to the rescue to indicate to Caitlin that her original photography is good and she needs to stop copying other people's ideas. Again, like this double exposure thing is a new idea or something. And Caitlin realizes that Julie is right. Caitlin's work is awesome by itself!

Thus, our ending voice over: "I thought Julie was getting in my way, but I lost my sense of direction all by myself. And she helped me find it again. I guess art is no different from most things you do. It has to come from inside of yourself to be true."

Or something.

Caitlin's Way: They're all pairing off...except for Griffen, of course.

Season 2, Episode 43: Juliet and Her Romeo
Aired: April 22, 2001

I watched this episode this morning, and I'm so glad I did because it really perked up an otherwise rainy day. Also, much to my immense disbelief, this is actually a decent episode. Of course, when I say that, it's still melodramatic and ridiculous, bordering on still more narcissism on Caitlin's part, but that's just Caitlin's Way for you. It's the quality of the writing I've come to expect these days, so given that I'm thrilled to announce that this is the first episode I actually liked. Well enough, anyway.

So we start out with Griffen playing his guitar and all of the other cast members besides Caitlin recite lines from Romeo and Juliet. The camera shots are moody and deep, you guys. Oh my God, there are shots of sunsets! And people who are back lit and shot at low angles! Holy crap, this show means business now. Naturally I enjoyed this section far more than I realistically should have, mainly because of how moody it was.

Enter abbreviated opening sequence before we focus in on Caitlin, who is sitting alone in the drama classroom singing along to her CD player. Cue drama teacher. Drama teacher walks in and informs her that she's singing. Caitlin's like "what are you gonna do about it?" or something. The teacher flutters on about how Caitlin should try out for the musical they're going to put on, Juliet and Her Romeo. Caitlin thinks to herself that her voice isn't all that bad, so hey, why not? Only the thing is her life is so unlike that of Juliet for she has no boyfriend! Damn. We're still at the point where Caitlin is wearing her hair down, so of course this means Caitlin is still desperate to attract the opposite sex. Namely, she wants to attract Will, who I guess she got together with in earlier episodes and has since broken up with (for amusing reasons...at least, to me, but I'll get to that in a minute).

Dori and Jim are reading for parts as Juliet's parents, and they manage to read into their parts to the point that we're making comparisons between the Capulets and their parental guardian capabilities regarding Caitlin. Of course this was bound to happen. This isn't really important. They bicker over whether or not Jim made Caitlin break up with Will or whether Caitlin did it because she wanted to.

Moving on, Caitlin is getting something out of her locker when Will and Griffen run up in fencing uniforms. They fence and speak their lines from the play and there is a MOMENT when Will and Caitlin have to look at each other. Oh my God, it's too much! Or something, so they fence somewhere else and Caitlin goes to read for the play. The teacher likes it and has her called back later so she can read some more. Seriously, this is a community play. How much deliberation do we need here?

Apparently we need a lot, or just enough to pit Caitlin against Taylor, the Blond Girl. They both want to be Juliet, and since they sort of hate each other or are friends but are competitive or are friends because they are both so attention starved they have only each other and can't stand it, this was bound to happen. So Taylor and Brett apparently hooked up at some point earlier on, but they broke up recently. Brett is going to be Romeo, so they're going over the play because Taylor figures she's going to be Juliet and she must be prepared, damn it. But she points out that there is no way in hell they are going to kiss on stage because it would be AWKWARD given they, like, kissed in real life previously. Brett takes some time here to push her hair back and find the necklace that she's wearing...the same necklace that he gave her! At some point! Taylor brushes this off and says there's someone else now. Someone who is so way better. And this someone better is Will.

So Taylor and Will drive off on his dirt bike, leaving Brett and Caitlin on the sidewalk to commiserate. Only this eventually leads to Will and Griffen practicing fencing some more at the ranch, resulting in DISCUSSION about how Mercutio and Tybalt apply to their daily lives because dying for friendship/family is relevant in this show? Maybe? Well, anyway, after this practice session, Will runs into Caitlin outside the barn and they get into another fight where Will is mostly right:

Caitlin: "You think she's shallow and stuck-up! You're only going out with her to get back at me!"
Will: "I don't do anything because of you! I like Taylor! She's fun. She's beautiful. And you know what? She doesn't play mind games!"
Caitlin: "I don't play mind games!"
Will: "Yes you do! You pretend you're cool, like you do whatever you wanna' do. But really, you follow the rules just like all the people you put down!"
Caitlin: "That's not true! I just wish I had never even met you!"

So it's established that Caitlin plays mind games and is really uncool, and Will is trying to make Caitlin jealous. That's pretty much obvious. Then they both pull a Joanna Campbell. Caitlin rips out of there on Bandit and Will rides his dirt bike into a ditch. So he gets whisked to the hospital. In the meantime, I guess Taylor has come to her senses about what a bad prospect Will is (don't worry, reasons for this are coming) and tells Caitlin that she more or less doesn't want to be with him and wishes her luck on the try out for Juliet. This means Caitlin has to go to the hospital instead of try out for the play, I suppose. So Taylor goes and tries out for Juliet, acting with Brett during the scene where they would, of course, kiss. They act it out and the drama teacher likes it despite the fact that Taylor turns her head to the side so they don't have to kiss. Then Taylor changes her mind and kisses him. So they start making out on the balcony set, completely ignoring the teacher screaming at them to stop.

Meanwhile, I guess Griffen has a girlfriend? This is the most unexpected thing ever, but then my suspicions of this are proven when they break up because he's spending too much time with the guys and since she's now taken over the part of Mercutio it will be easier to fence with her if he doesn't hold back and keep treating her like a girl he might have been interested in if he was a good boyfriend, which he isn't. So they break up. THAT I expected.

Caitlin goes to the hospital and starts to talk to Will, thinking he's sleeping. Only he's not sleeping and she gets pissed at him for actually hearing what she said. This results in this gem of a conversation:

Caitlin: "I really miss you. I want us to be together but you just keep pulling me into your darkness and I don't wanna' go there."
Will: "I don't wanna' go there either. I miss you too. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Caitlin, I'm messed up. I know that. But I really wanna' get my stuff together because I wanna' be with you. Will you help me?"
Caitlin: "Yes. Of course I will."

You guys, he was pulling her into his darkness. Considering I haven't seen any of these purportedly dark episodes, I can only giggle at the possibilities of what his darkness is. Although I think at one point his darkness included getting Caitlin to make a crop circle with him? Or something? Well, anyway, all I can help thinking is there should be no way Caitlin should need to help Will with his darkness problems. She's sixteen. Best not to deal with darkness now, Caitlin. If he has darkness issues at sixteen, who knows how that's going to manifest when he's actually expected to act like a responsible adult.

Coming back to Taylor and Brett, they're walking across a parking lot and she's talking about how she guesses they can do the kiss now without their hatred for each other coming across to the audience. Then they sort of realize how idiotic that is, so she gives him that look that implies that she'd really like him to prove her wrong so they can kiss in public again, and he gets it and kisses her. Yay them. I actually like them. I...feel really weird about this.

And we end with Caitlin singing some song from the musical about Romeo while sitting out in a field with Will and Bandit. Her voice over insists that she's not like Juliet because her love is not doomed. It's starting. Yeah, sorry to break it to you, sweetie, but it's doomed. Please refer back to your earlier hospital room conversation for proof of this.

Humiliation, Caitlin's Way style.

Season 2, Episode 32: All Night Long
Aired: January 14, 2001

Well, guys, for this installment I'm going to have to think back to my New Kids on the Block days. Yes, I was in third grade when New Kids on the Block took the teenage female portion of America by storm, leaving us all wondering exactly why we liked boys who lip synced while "dancing" to oddly repetitive music. I remember having a New Kids on the Block poster in my room. After third grade, the phenomenon ended and thankfully we all returned to our lives. I never paid attention to boy bands again, graduating into what I like to call the sane portion of my life (relatively, anyway).

That said, who remembers a band called mytown? All lowercase, no space, group of four kids that are now somewhere between the ages of 28 and 32? All Irish or something? Does Danny O'Donoghue mean anything to anyone? Well, this band apparently existed in all its thrusting-in-time-to-music glory, and Danny O'Donoghue was a part of it. And, you guys, Caitlin totally knows Danny O'Donoghue! It's time to just pass out in shock now, because the absolute last thing I ever expected from Caitlin's Way was this episode. Brace yourself, because this is when Caitlin discovers that she really does want to be liked, be popular, hang out with a boy band, and obsess over the opposite sex.

Starting out, it's time for the school dance. Everyone is pairing up. It's just so cute. Except Caitlin is watching all of this love bird behavior and is so disturbed because she doesn't have a boy to pair up with. Caitlin ponders to herself if she's just above all of it, or outside all of it, or maybe people don't like her and she's going to be the only one without a date. I think it's the last one, Caitlin, seeing as how you're all eager to be liked now.

Anyway, the boy of her dreams landed in Caitlin's life in season 2. His name is Will and he's played by someone called Jason McSkimming, who went on from this role to MTV's Undressed. Do we all remember that show? God, I hope I'm not the only one shamed with this memory. After Undressed, he mysteriously disappeared. He's sort of dark and handsome for someone whose last role was Undressed. The Blond Girl (Taylor) is totally in love with him, but he, of course, is only in love with Caitlin. But in that cool, I'm better than this way. Which allows convenient room for confusion.

Coming back from the abbreviated opening sequence, Griffen and his friends, Brent and Eric, are dancing to, I don't know, probably mytown. I would assume. The whole episode is a mytown vehicle. They are all horrible, and Griffen knows this, so he takes a moment to complain about things. I briefly wondered what on earth they were doing, but then it is revealed that they are going to perform this monstrosity at the school dance. Upset that they suck at boy band dancing, Caitlin appears to say that she totally knows Danny O'Donoghue, you guys! Eric looks at her and says, "That is the stupidest thing you have ever said." I completely agree with him. But Caitlin is not put off. She insists that she can get Danny O'Donoghue to come play at their dance and she's going to call him and just you wait.

So she goes home and calls someone in L.A., and that doesn't go well. So she sulks with Bandit and Dori, telling them that Danny O'Donoghue lived with her in a foster home in Philadelphia and she wants him to know how she's doing and blah blah blah. None of this is at all believable. So Dori suggests Caitlin look at mytown's website and get in contact with them that way and it works! Oh, joy! While the family is playing croquet (...Caitlin, you're starting to concern me), Danny calls her up and they agree that he will thrust his hips and lip sync at the school dance! Oh, wonderful news. Let's all be happy now.

After this, Will rides up on his horse. Of course he has a horse. It's the prerequisite for all horse stories: the main girl's love interest has to love horses too. It could be the only thing they have in common, but seeing as how horse story girls usually have only one interest, I guess this works out. So he hands her the notes she lent him and they get all awkward because they know they want to go to the dance together, but no one says anything, but he asks her if she'll be around later and she says yes. And on my God, you guys, he's so going to call her! Are we excited yet?

Caitlin goes off to groom Bandit, and later she gets involved in some weird phone tag issue that results in all of Griffen's friends asking her to the dance. I don't know why and it's not important. Anyway, Griffen's friends nix the boy band idea for this rap thing that this other guy is doing. So rap guy joins the band, causing band hysterics that we can ignore for right now. Because, you see, Caitlin asks Will to the dance! Only she does it because she doesn't want to go alone and he gets offended and tells her off. Then they all go to the dance, and Caitlin wears her hair down for the first time ever and doesn't wear black. The world ends AGAIN.

Griffen and band have issues in public that cause a band break up at the dance. This, to us, is not important. The main thing is mytown doesn't show. Caitlin stands in the same spot for three hours and waits for them, but mytown is a no show and the dance just sucks. Only Will arrives and Caitlin accuses him of coming to the dance just to rub it in that it was better to go alone than go with her. And he points out that she sucks because she only thinks of herself. He is correct.

Anyway. Mytown shows up late and Danny O'Donoghue is a horrible actor. The extra band members laughing at their stupid predicament in the background are better actors than he is. Then they dance and thrust and sing while Caitlin and Griffen (the only ones still there, I guess because no one can really stand either of them anymore) dance awkwardly.

And that is the end.

Caitlin's Way: Money is not important, except when it really, really is.

Season 2, Episode 29: Money Walks
Aired: October 14, 2000

Well, gang, here we are for another fun-filled Caitlin's Way episode, where Caitlin and Taylor (the blond girl) find themselves stuck in "the city," Eric and Brent discover the trials and tribulations of shopping, and Griffin spends all of his time alternating between being stuck on a bench and writing a song. Let's just delve right in, shall we?

The show opens up in class. Taylor informs everyone that they have enough money to buy a gift for their teacher, who's getting married. Caitlin is reading some local paper and discovers a photography exhibit in "the city," which she can't get to because she has no money. Caitlin takes a moment to ponder the unfairness of life, while Griffin notices that some shop in "the city" is selling used amps. The boys really want an amp because they have a band, so they decide to pool their money together and buy this thing. Taylor announces she's going to go into "the city" to buy a tablecloth with the $110 the class raised (because a tablecloth is the centerpiece of a home, you see), and Caitlin sees her opportunity to get a ride into the city, so she stands up and announces that she's coming too. Blond Girl...I mean Taylor...is stunned speechless, but looks pretty pissed. Enter opening sequence.

Since this is season 2, it looks like whoever controls things like the opening sequence realized it was too long and sucked. So they cut it down, thereby giving me less to complain about. It still sucks, though.

Okay, back on point. Taylor and Caitlin arrive in "the city." The city looks to be Calgary, where this show was shot, which would then make some amount of sense given the largest city in Montana is Billings. If you haven't heard of Billings, don't worry. It doesn't matter. All that really does matter is that apparently Caitlin's town does not sell tablecloths. Who knows why. So the two girls arrive in this Calgary-type town that doesn't exist in Montana, and Taylor is already pissed because Caitlin threw coffee or something on her shirt. Really, this is a bitchy move on Caitlin's part. By the age of 15, I'd think kids should be past throwing liquids on each other in retribution, but Caitlin apparently isn't. So Taylor stomps off to look at tablecloths in this tablecloth-filled city in Montana. Caitlin starts taking really shitty pictures of everything around her, which is not remarkable or interesting or remotely approaching being good subject matter. She should really stop wasting her film.

Eric and Brent arrive and head to the guitar shop place or whatever, where they listen to the sales guy talk about amps, all of which I didn't attempt to comprehend. Brent calls Griffin, who's stuck on a bench waiting for his bus, who asks Brent to ask the sales guy about an amp that would fit a more Latin sound. Brent is reticent to do this, but does and is shocked that the sales guy is all into Latin stuff. They pick an amp that is too expensive, so they go out into Billings or Calgary or wherever and try to awe people with their skateboarding skills to get money. Which they don't get because no one cares. In fact, they're mostly nuisances.

Meanwhile Taylor finds Caitlin and tells her all about this great tablecloth she found! Like, oh my God! It's a fancy label and it's $20 more than what she can spend because she bought a shirt to replace the one Caitlin ruined. See, it's all Caitlin's fault. Caitlin gets all bitchy again and goes to play that stupid three-card trick game to get Taylor's $20. Taylor informs her it's a scam, and Caitlin stupidly says that she knows that, therefore she can win the game. So she plays and completely loses. Then she plays again and completely loses. Seriously. It's a scam for a reason, Caitlin. If she knew all the tricks in the book, then she'd know the one where the card she's looking for is taken out of the equation entirely, making winning impossible. I have no option but to presume Caitlin is stupid now. This is pretty much Taylor's opinion also. Plus, she's really pissed off because now they only have $70. Which they lose when Caitlin throws liquid on her again and she snaps, throwing liquid on Caitlin.

So the girls decide to go put the $70 they don't have to use, and Eric and Brent find the $70 and buy the amp. Then they all accidentally meet up and discover what happened, so Brent takes the amp back and they sell their bus tickets and decide to just get the stupid present later. Only this kid wanders by and Caitlin goes all "I was a street kid too!" on the poor thing and insists on buying him lunch and a bus ticket (he wasn't actually a street kid, I should mention, because he was trying to get to Seattle or Chicago and lost his ticket during a bus break, getting him stuck in Calgary/Billings) with the money they have. Then Griffin shows up and plays his new song for everyone. People start to give them money while they play, and that's where we end.

No horses this time around, guys. Perhaps next time.

Caitlin's Way: Bears are cuddly and harmless! Don't listen to the experts!

Season 1, Episode 8: Bear With Me
Aired: 4/9/2000

If you're at all curious, the title is, in fact, literal. There is a bear on the loose in High River, the Montana town Caitlin lives in. Look at me, picking up on facts! So the show opens up with Caitlin running into a Grizzly that's rummaging through some trash. As it turns out, the bear has escaped from a zoo (which would then imply that there is a zoo somewhere near this podunk town, which I tend to doubt in general) and Jim, as the sheriff, needs to catch it. Enter Caitlin to screw this plan up. Wild things should not be in cages! Shock of all shocks, Caitlin does not believe in zoos or keeping animals captive, unless they're wild horses that "choose" to stay with their human masters by being kept in pastures and stalls and given no chance to be free, when they would actually be able to choose, and if there is ever a point where they get loose, they're hunted down and returned to their stall. If that's choosing, Caitlin needs to hunt down a dictionary.

Nevertheless, Bandit chose to stay with Caitlin! (Except for that one time when he got loose and she had to catch him, which was totally just him working out, like, restlessness or something, and not him wanting to be free again. Sure.) But the bear is wild and therefore must totally want to be wild! Despite being in captivity his whole life and probably having no clue what the hell he's doing outside in the "real world"! Not to even mention that whole danger to humans issue. Caitlin ain't touching that.

So, everyone else thinks Caitlin is being completely unreasonable about this. Also, Jim is up for re-election and he actually has competition this year, giving Griffen fits over whether or not his dad will have a job come...whenever the term is up and everyone votes again. The competition is Eric's dad, so the two boys get into this campaign war that I am going to ignore.

Meanwhile, Dori sets up a bear trap. It's one of those tin can things with a trap door, which is completely safe, but she has to show Caitlin how it works so Caitlin can be pacified and learn how to sabotage it later. Which she does. Then she rides Bandit out in the woods and happens across the bear. Bandit, being smart, high tails it out of there. Caitlin, being an idiot, stays and gives the bear food. And she sits there within striking distance and takes its picture.

Does anyone remember Grizzly Man? About the crazy guy who lived as close to bears as possible and was very possibly deranged and then he got eaten? That was all I could really think of while I was watching this. She's giving a most probably starving bear food and then she sits there like the main course on the bear's menu. You can not be stupider. But, of course, the bear doesn't try to kill Caitlin. In fact, she makes this a regular part of her routine. Ride the horse, be bitchy, feed the wild/not wild starving bear, be bitchy some more...it's all in due course for Caitlin.

Until the bear finds the food Griffen has been preparing for his dad's annual barbecue and has a field day in their back yard. Griffen finds the bear and nearly gets his face ripped off, which finally makes Caitlin come clean about all she's been doing regarding the bear. She takes them out into the forest and shows them what she's been up to. The bear freaking comes when called and the zoo handler puts a chain around the bears neck and walks it, like it's a dog, back to wherever they came from. I really have no words.

Jim wins reelection and the bear doesn't go back to the zoo, but to a refuge. It's suggested that this was their doing, which I highly doubt because they don't own the damn bear. But whatever. Everyone is happy and they go out to eat because Jim still has a job. Yay!

Caitlin's Way: Veterinary science is no match for love.

Season 1, Episode 22: Under Western Skies
Aired: 9/3/2000

"Winter. When I lived in the city, I didn't think about it very much. That's 'cause it wasn't much fun. This is my first winter with Bandit. Being with him makes everything special. I guess if you love something, it doesn't matter where you are."

Too true, Caitlin. It is winter. And Caitlin is having fun despite this because she loves Bandit, which means that if she were to lose Bandit, winter would really suck. That's the first issue in this episode. The second is about Griffen trying to get on the junior hockey team, which seems difficult for him despite the fact that Jim is the coach. Also, he's upset that girls are allowed on the team this year. This is like sacrilege to Griffen, who holds fast to his belief that girls and boys should not play hockey together. His friend (who I've been calling "other guy," but actually has a name, which is Brett), just likes to watch them because girls in shoulder pads are hot. To him. This whole episode doesn't do Griffen any favors, I should just say now.

So Caitlin goes on a ride with Bandit so she can take pictures. While she's taking pictures, she allows Bandit to wander around the area by himself, which obviously wasn't a good idea because he walks right into one of those claw trap things. Caitlin runs off to get Dori, who is a vet and can supposedly help. She takes the claw trap off and move Bandit to the barn. Caitlin acts like a brat, Bandit goes into shock and his heart stops, but Dori gets it going again with an adrenaline shot.

On Griffen's end, he sucks at hockey. His prissiness isn't suited to brutal team sports, and this is emphasized by the fact that Blond Girl (actually, her name is Taylor) rams into him and his dad calls it fair play and wow, it sucks to be Griffen. He's chosen to be an alternate while Blond Girl gets on the team, equaling lots of father-son bickering. They come home to the drama with Bandit, which inevitably leads to Caitlin being a huge bitch to Dori because Dori's decisions might not have been the right ones and it's all Dori's fault! Yeah, she might as well have been the one that let the horse wander around an area she didn't really know that well! Screw her and her veterinary skills!

So Caitlin and Griffen sit in the barn and talk about love coming from the heart and they get all mushy. Then Caitlin and Dori sleep in the stall. And then Bandit is magically better the next day and Caitlin gives Dori this photography project she was working on as thanks. And Griffen and Jim practice hockey because Griffen still sucks at hockey. And Caitlin swallows her bitchiness and goes to help Dori with something. The End.

• Who hates it when someone, like a vet, says that an injured horse might strike out and the Special Girl protests vehemently about how her Special Super Horse would never hurt her?

• This episode was boring.
  

• That is all.

Caitlin's Way: Caitlin is so complicated she doesn't even understand herself.

Season 1, Episode 19: Playing Caitlin
Aired: August 13, 2000

We're starting out this episode in what looks to be drama class. I'm sure these kids probably have something like fifteen different classes as required by whatever plot the show is going for at the moment, and at this particular juncture, the show is going for high school plays/teenagers are emo, right? So the kids are in drama, and they're all in it together. I proceed to not understand how this school system works, but it's not really important at this point.

Anyway, they're all in drama. They are talking about something, which leads to the teacher whipping out Caitlin's play and reciting a few lines. The play Caitlin has written is obviously about her life. Naturally, Caitlin finds nothing as interesting as herself, so her play is all about how no one understands her and then she gets arrested for stealing a camera. The teacher just loves her play, but Caitlin understandably is pissed that the teacher read the passage in front of everyone.

Enter Caitlin's whiny voice over about why adults want to get inside the heads of teenagers. Or, gasp, maybe they just want to get inside Caitlin's head! Honestly, I don't see how anyone would want to go in there. They'd just be bored out of their mind.

Returning from the horrible opening sequence (I'm still not over its awfulness), Griffen and his friends, Eric and some other guy, are playing basketball while Eric tells them that he's signed them up to put on a play instead of writing a paper for drama. Initially Griffen is hesitant, but then he decides that this is a good idea. Although Eric and the other guy tell him that they can't use Griffen's play because there are no girls in it. I think it's about time that Griffen just embrace his gayness. Seriously, the signs could not be any clearer at this point.

Cue Caitlin. She wanders onto the basketball court and Eric falls on her like an small, excited dog in attempts to convince her to let them put on her play. Eventually she says yes, although she doesn't really know why. I imagine it's probably another way for her to be the center of attention, regardless of what she's actually saying. So they're all happy. On to the auditions, leading to a ridiculous series of girls bouncing up and down and hiccuping and trying to act seductive, or something like that. Only then this blond girl shows up and sweeps Griffen off his feet because she's blond and kind of pushy. I don't remember her name, so henceforth she will be referred to as Blond Girl. Yeah, I'm not feeling creative today.

Immediately Caitlin starts being critical of Blond Girl's acting, because Blond Girl can't possibly understand Caitlin's motives for being a whiny bitch. Eric is over there getting into his role as the cop that arrests Caitlin, leading to some ridiculous scenes involving roller blading that were not needed. Eventually Eric decides he wants a bigger role that will include a motorcycle, but Caitlin refuses to write that in, dashing Eric's delusions of grandeur. Only then Blond Girl still isn't getting Caitlin's mysteriousness, despite the script supposedly being right there. I don't see how this could be such a problem, but it nevertheless is and this inevitably leads Blond Girl to the decision that the only way to understand Caitlin is to live Caitlin's life.

Don't worry! This is not Single White Female. Blond Girl decides to spend a night in a back alley, where she sits in cat pee and then decides to go home after Griffen somehow wanders across her and asks her what the hell she's doing.

After this, Blond Girl is further confused. She does not understand Caitlin! How could she? The script, you see, is not clear! No one understands why Caitlin stole this stupid camera and why she allowed herself to get caught when she could have hopped over a fence to freedom had she just left the camera where she dropped it. I guess these people don't understand the concept of show not tell, because they need it spelled out for them. Blond Girl decides that she needs to come on to Eric the cop, because I suppose she figures that Caitlin is a whore. Then she opts for crying, because she figures Caitlin is girlier than Caitlin would like to admit in public. That's when Caitlin gets fed up and walks out on the production so she can ride Bandit out to a field and then angst over a copy of her script.

So then she has her great moment of enlightenment. They are right! The script makes no sense because it's just so damn vague. Standing in the field with Bandit, Caitlin plucks a pencil out of thin air and edits her script. Then I guess she races Bandit back to the wherever she came from and shows Blond Girl and Co. the new script at the dress rehearsal. Blond Girl refuses to do the new pages because she can't remember the lines and should therefore probably start looking for another possible career, and Eric throws up and refuses to be a part of the play. So the rehearsal would be falling apart if not for Caitlin's insistence that she play herself. She should have done it all along!

And then we cut to a monologue about how Caitlin wanted to steal the camera because that would mean she's free and would stop having such annoying parental issues and would hopefully stop crying for attention. Everyone at the dress rehearsal loves it, and then I guess Caitlin goes on to personally deliver her private issues to hundreds of her classmates at later performances.

• "Come on, Caitlin. No one ever comes to our plays. Not after last year's production of Cats." I've never seen Cats, but I can imagine a high school production of it would be horrible.
  

• "It's in the literary tradition of The Outsider with stylistic reference to The Phantom Menace." Wow, am I the only one that thinks this play is a really bad idea? Is it even possible to make a stylistic reference to The Phantom Menace? And are we really going to compare Caitlin's life to Albert Camus seriously? Because I think we need to take a good look at this show before we do that.
  

• The Blond Girl's audition is her in a Halloween witch costume as she reads from Macbeth. Griffen's response is: "You never see blond witches!" I...yeah, no. I'm just going to keep going.
  

• "Black everything. Cheap jewelry, sullen makeup." The Blond Girl takes note of Caitlin's appearance and hits it spot on. Cheap and sullen. She said it better than I ever could.

• What is with everyone just casually wandering into the public bathrooms? Caitlin strolls into the boy's bathroom, the guys just walk right into the girl's bathrooms. This is a public high school, not a private liberal arts college. Okay?

• "My dad won't let me shave because I'm too young. This is my face!" Caitlin's monologue inspires Griffen's other friend to rebel and start shaving. My, how Caitlin inspires us all!

Okay, I swear I am reading, but I'm a bit busy at the moment, so these Caitlin's Way episodes more than provide me enough fodder for the blog. I'll have a few books ready to post next week.

Caitlin's Way: Money = Trust

Season 1, Episode 16: Caitlin's Trust
Aired: July 23, 2000

We're delving a little further into season one with Caitlin's Trust in this review, where the ultimate question is answered: what should garner more trust? The unconditional love and support of family members who feed, clothe, and shelter you or a trust fund that sits around collecting interest? Rest assured, we are about to find out.

This episode opens with Griffen and Caitlin walking home from school. Griffen has received a new e-mail from his "cyber pen pal" Jocelyn about the brilliance of Radiohead, and Griffen is reading aloud her e-mail to Caitlin, who isn't impressed. Griffen adores Jocelyn, who is French and therefore "deeper" than American girls because they don't diet and have no body image issues. Caitlin is about to make fun of this, but that's when she finds a government check in the mail that she of course rips open to discover that Dori and Jim are being paid $300 every unspecified number of weeks or months or something because they've taken in Caitlin and it's standard government procedure to hand cash to foster families. Griffen takes this in stride and goes that extra step further by telling Caitlin jokingly that she has a horse and is a drain on the family resources. Because Caitlin has no sense of humor and is basically a really horrible meld of Cindy and Melanie with an eyebrow piercing, she grabs onto this phrase and runs with it. A drain on the family? How dare they think that!

Enter horrible opening sequence. God, it's so bad.

Continuing on, Caitlin approaches Dori, who is nursing a baby moose. I don't know why, so I'm just going to skip that. Caitlin tells Dori that they need more apples for Bandit, who is an apple whore. Dori says that yeah, sure, she'll get them or something but then she dares to mention that she thinks Caitlin is feeding Bandit too many apples. Bandit will become spoiled! Caitlin immediately reverts to her street days, I guess, and gets all offended, but before she can really blow a gasket over this stupid comment, Dori pulls out a vintage jacket she found while she was going through her old clothes for some themed high school reunion she and Jim are going to. Caitlin accepts the jacket, but is not swayed from her earlier anger. She'll get the damn apples herself!

Caitlin puts on her jacket and rides Bandit into town. She basically parks him and ties him up to a lamppost, then admires herself and her jacket in the reflection of a window. Right about here I'm thinking that the jacket is way too small for her bustiness and right when that thought goes through my head she bends down and rips the jacket to shreds. Poor Caitlin. She is too busty.

Meanwhile, Griffen and his friend Eric discover an eating contest at the local diner. The winner will get to go to Paris! Thrilled that he will be able to proclaim his love to his "cyber pen pal" in person, Griffen starts to eat lots of hamburgers.

Moving back to Caitlin, she's busy throwing the ripped jacket at Dori and demanding to know why she doesn't get anything new out of her aunt and uncle who selflessly took her in, because shelter and security are secondary to shiny new things! Dori really doesn't know what to say to this, but then Jim drives up in their brand new shiny Jeep. Yes, a JEEP. Everyone fawns over the new car, while Caitlin grumbles to herself about how the car is probably bought on her government money fund, so she figures it's really hers. Dori and Jim then go out to the reunion, but not before Caitlin can make some snide comment about all the money they're making because she's a bitch.

So, left without supervision, Caitlin, Griffen and Eric decide to drive the Jeep to town so the boys can go eat more hamburgers at the diner. On her way back to the house, I guess Caitlin drove through a swamp in the middle of Montana because her windshield is so full of dead insects that she can no longer see the road. That's when she randomly veers off the road and crashes the Jeep. A hospital visit later, Caitlin is grounded and Jim is rethinking this whole raising a juvenile delinquent thing. Caitlin suffers one of those I-can't-stand-staying-away-from-my-wonder-horse issues and goes to ride Bandit despite being grounded, but Griffen stops her and insists that if she does that she'll be moved to a new foster home for sure and he wants her to stay.

Then Caitlin had to go get all touching about Jim and Dori's routine in the morning, and how great it is being at Lowe Ranch, and I actually liked that part. So Griffen goes to plead Caitlin's case to his parents, and he reveals that he was sort of in on driving the Jeep too, and Caitlin is further touched, and she does her best sincere apology and so she can stay. Also, the money the government has been sending Jim and Dori has been put into a trust fund.

So while Caitlin and Griffen are doing their community service as part of Jim's requirement of paying their dues to society, Eric wins the eating contest and gets the France trip. He's all thrilled because this means he can go to Paris and impress Jocelyn with his 20 touchdowns, only Griffen has a surprise in store for everyone. Jocelyn is actually a guy, which he just now discovered, further cementing my belief that Griffen is gay.

We end with a lovely voice over from Caitlin about how Jim and Dori won her trust by giving her money. So, you see, the trust fund is more important after all. Thank you for sharing such wise moral advice, Caitlin!

• While Caitlin is recovering from the car accident, Eric convinces Griffen not to say he was in on driving the Jeep to town because he wouldn't want to go to jail, would he? Yeah, something tells me grand theft auto just isn't going to be applied here, Eric.

• Still with the "she broke the law!" At least Dori has the sense to say, "yeah, but you don't have to press charges." Seriously.

• Grant, I suppose the second policeman in town after Jim, sees Caitlin driving the Jeep and turns to follow her up to the crash site. All this time he's bemoaning Caitlin's stupidity, basically, but I can't tell if it's supposed to be voice over or the worst syncing that ever existed.
  

Just to let everyone know, Caitlin's Way is on The N, some network for teens I did not know existed until now. So set your DVR or whatever and follow along!

Caitlin's Way: You can't comprehend Caitlin's issues! Do not try!

Season 1, Episode 4: Boundaries
Aired: March 12, 2000

So, I guess by sheer luck I started out this series with an episode relatively close to the beginning. Caitlin (Lindsay Felton) is still sort of fresh off the Philadelphia streets, where (as the opening sequence suggests) she spent all her time dying her hair, acting emo, and trying to trick people out of their money. Really, who falls for the three-card trick? Do people still do this, or is it something you only see on television?

This episode starts with Griffen Lowe, Caitlin's cousin, snooping around in her room. He rummages through her things, stares at a CD case as if he has no idea what it could possibly be, and somehow winds up in her underwear drawer. From this, I suppose we can deduce that Griffen has been repressing some dirty sexual urge and now that his female cousin is living with him he's going to start acting on his desires. Only in a very "I'm fifteen and harmless" sort of way. Actually, I had the distinct impression that Griffen is gay. Although that might be because at one point he goes on and on about this green shirt that will look so good with his new shoes. And also because Caitlin seems to routinely beat him up.

Okay, anyway, Caitlin finds him wandering around in her room and she does not like this. Griffen doesn't like it either, because her room used to be his game room, and really he was just up there looking for this old Nintendo cartridge, but Caitlin doesn't buy this and throws a pillow at him. Yes, Griffen, let this be a lesson to you! Stay out, or Caitlin will batter you with more feather-filled objects! Well, everyone is all "oooh, she threw something! she's so hard core!" and Griffen retreats.

Enter really ugly opening sequence. Seriously.

So Caitlin is listening to her music when she hears Bandit, the buckskin mustang wonder horse she saved or something, causing a ruckus in the barn. Caitlin rushes down to the barn and starts talking to Bandit about his hurt neck, because I guess he hurt it, and then starts to project her problems onto him. Does Bandit really want to say? Won't Bandit try to stick around a few more days? Then she sleeps in the barn with the horse. Her aunt wakes her up in the morning and blabbers about testing boundaries and something or another, giving Caitlin pause to mope about her situation. Then they eat breakfast. All hell breaks loose over the last pancake, which Griffen claims as his own by licking it and then shoving it in his mouth. Caitlin then compares her new life to jail and goes off to ruin Griffen's "best" shirt. The two kids scuffle around in the gravel for a minute before aunt and uncle (Dori and Jim) break it up and force them to do something together. Therefore they will be cooking dinner when they get home from school tomorrow. Boo, is essentially the verdict delivered by the kids.

They go to school. Griffen's friend tries to scuff up Griffen's perfect white shoes (...) and Caitlin gets in the guy's face. Stop trying to scuff up my prissy cousin's white shoes! And Griffen is all offended because his friend was just trying to be funny and he leaves in a huff because Caitlin is so serious all the time and does not like to be social, nor understands how to be anything other than emo. This all comes to a head after their Lit class, where Caitlin seems to not understand what the river means in Huck Finn, giving Griffen (who happens to be in the same class, of course) the chance to jump in and give his answer that it's all about life's journey! Caitlin acts emo some more. Then she storms into the men's bathroom to confront Griffen over this stupid river and how she was going to say that it's about something else all literary and meaningful that is also right, only it's more right because it's Caitlin's answer. Then she squirts him with water from the sink. Ohmigosh! She's even more hard core! Feather pillows and squirting water! It's too much for Griffen's rural mindset to compute! So he tries to squirt his Fresca all over her, but misses and gets the teacher instead. Damn. They both get detention and have to clean the bathroom. Something I don't see happening at all. High school teachers are never that creative.

Meanwhile, Dori tries to take Bandit out of the barn without a lead for the nonexistent blacksmith and of course she loses him. So Bandit is off running around and Dori and Jim have to go find him as Dori whispers about how much Bandit means to Caitlin.

Then the kids miss their bus, although frankly they missed it because Caitlin had to go into a long ass talk about how her life is so much more difficult than Griffen's because sometimes she didn't know where home was in Philadelphia. Yeah, Griffen, don't you dare try to tell Caitlin that you have problems too. She doesn't care about your problems because hers are always worse. Always. So they walk home. And nearly get gored by a bull. And they argue some more about how much their situation sucks and about how Caitlin doesn't have to do anything anyone tells her because she's hard core.

Eventually a neighbor comes along and Griffen abandons Caitlin to get a ride home in the neighbor's truck. She won't get in because there's a pig in the bed. Or something that looks like a pig. Anyway, Caitlin covers up this pig abhorrence with just being mean and irritating because she can, and Griffen goes off with the truck. Only then he sees Bandit running around and has to alert Caitlin. So he alerts Caitlin and miraculously they find Dori and Jim and Bandit. They all sort of converge together in a very convenient manner that would never possibly happen realistically. And Caitlin uses her magical horsey ability to calm wild mustangs and all is well. Perhaps Montana or Calgary or wherever the hell she is won't be so bad after all!

And they walk home, Caitlin and Griffen's problems are weirdly shoved to the side because Caitlin has magical horse-calming abilities, and then presumably they eat pizza.

• Caitlin calms Bandit with her magical words of "whoa!" Griffen says: "Dad, did you see that? Did you see that?" Jim: "I'm standing right here, Griff." It becomes apparent that Jim has the best lines in this series. Obviously he saw Caitlin's magic. He was, as he said, right there.

• Griffen continues his insane blubbering over Caitlin's horse magic and she says, "It comes with the territory." What territory? What is she talking about?

• You know what I dislike? When they replace the main horse actor with another horse actor that is obviously different. Like, the main horse that plays Bandit has no blaze. The actor they have for running scenes has a blaze. It's obvious the horse has a blaze. You can't miss it.
  

So, that is my first Caitlin's Way episode. I hope you enjoyed the innocent teenage angst and melodrama.