Whitebrook Farm

The Saddle Club # 86: Secret Horse

2012-02-08T20:51:00.007-05:00

The Saddle Club # 86: Secret Horse

Cover:

This has to be one of my least favorite SC covers – at least out of those done in this particular style. I have…so many questions when I look at the front of this book.

Who is this horse supposed to be? Spoiler alert: this book is about Samson – Delilah and Cobalt’s son, who is unfailingly described as black. So who is this giant, nondescript chestnut?
Why is his halter askew/why is he wearing a stud chain?
Why are the girls wearing tennis shoes to the barn?
Finally, why are Stevie and Carol looking so…morose and vacant, respectively? Lisa’s expression is the only one I can remotely comprehend. She’s clearly marveling over the horse’s disproportionately large head. Or maybe she too is wondering who the heck the horse is.

Blurb:

“THE SADDLE CLUB HAS A SECRET!

Stevie Lake, Carole Hanson, and Lisa Atwood are hoping to compete in a prestigious horse show. To that end, they’re doing everything they can to stay on stable owner Max Regnery’s good side – including doing extra chores around Pine Hollow, such as exercising stable horses.

Veronica diAngelo is sure she’ll be making the trip to the horse show – just as she’s sure she’ll be bringing home a blue ribbon. And of course Veronica has no intention of lifting a finger to help anyone.

The Saddle Club would love to beat Veronica, but how? She and her horse are tough competition. Then Lisa takes one of the horses over a jump, and he’s a natural. Now the Saddle Club has to keep their secret weapon under wraps and teach Veronica a lesson she won’t forget.”

Summary:

The Macrae Valley Open is apparently the show of all shows – the kind of competition that attracts all the best riders from everywhere and has the USET members turning out in full force. It’s the kind of show the Saddle Club has only ever dreamed of going to, which explains why we’ve never heard of it before. Well, actually, Carole has but that’s to be expected. Stevie apparently can’t even pronounce it and Lisa gets butterflies at the mere thought – also par for the course.

Once the girls find out that Veronica is going to the Macrae, they immediately swing into “me too!” mode and set out to prove how indispensible they are to Max and the general running of Pine Hollow. You’d think by now Max would realize that his stable would fall apart without the hard work, dedication and know-how of three middle school girls. At least they’re not yet sleeping in the barn like they would be if they lived in the Thoroughbred series. This flurry of barn work comes at just the right time; Red, Pine Hollow’s head stablehand (I always assumed ONLY stablehand) is heading off to a famous rider’s farm to be a working student for a month. Because apparently, being Max’s right hand man/Veronica’s servant for umpteen years hasn’t taught him enough.

Spending their every waking moment the barn has its upside. When they’re not raking the driveway, cleaning endless piles of dirty tack and scrubbing water buckets, the SC girls get to exercise horses. This includes the Prince William of Pine Hollow, Samson. After learning the basics at a nearby trainer’s, Samson has turned into a fine riding horse and the girls can’t wait to try him out.

Lisa exercises the gelding first and after a great schooling session on the flat, she decides, in an uncharacteristic lapse of judgment, to try him over the jumps. Naturally, he’s phenomenal and Lisa starts dreaming of taking him to the Macrae, since that is the logical place to start a baby green, as a junior jumper in an A-rated show. (Note: in the hunter ring, Juniors compete at a height of 3’6” – I don’t know if that is the same height in the jumper division, but I’m willing to bet that it’s close. In contrast, Baby Green Hunters and Pre-Green Hunters compete over fences that are 2’6” and 3,” respectively.)

So, of course, once Carole and Stevie realize how talented Samson is over fences, they throw themselves into “Project Secret Horse” with reckless abandon. The plan seems to be threefold: train Samson over fences, prove their indispensability to Max by making Pine Hollow so clean you could eat off the barn aisle and spy on/befriend Veronica to stay on her good side so she won’t rent out the entire Pine Hollow van for herself – or something like that. I’ll admit, I’m not really clear on the third part of that plan – but then, what good is a Saddle Club project if it doesn’t involve a little espionage at Veronica’s expense?

Meanwhile, Lisa combats some inner demons. She wants to ride Samson in the Macrae but isn’t sure she can or that she’ll be allowed. She also thinks that Carole will probably want to ride the gelding herself and doesn’t want to step on her friend’s toes. Oh, and she falls off Samson during a training session and that sends her into the classic Lisa Atwood spiral of paralyzing self-doubt. Which reminds me – how’s therapy going there Lisa?

Long story short, they debut their plan to Max (earlier than they would have liked, since he happened upon a training session one morning – the one morning he sets foot out of his office in weeks, apparently) and instead of being livid that they jumped his homebred youngster without his permission, he hears out their plan. Lisa gives a little speech, Carole vouches for Lisa to ride Samson, Stevie gets even with Veronica (somehow – doesn’t she always?) and Max agrees to let Lisa ride. It’s off to the Macrae Valley Open which we’ll read about in the very next book!

List:

Page 1: Huh. Right here on the first page, a reference is made to “stable employees.” Employees, plural. Who are these mysterious employees and why don’t we ever get to meet them?
Page 3: There goes Red, off to Vermont for a month. I’ll have to ask around – I wonder if one month is the average length of time for one to be a working student…seems like a pretty brief period to me, but then what do I know. I am interested, however, in what Red will do with his newly honed three day eventing skills when he returns from Toby MacIntosh’s farm. Surely he doesn’t need to go all the way to Vermont to become better at tacking up Veronica’s horse for her or teaching the little kids how to pick out a pony’s hoof.
Page 6: We make it this far before being reminded (a) how the girls formed the Saddle Club and (b) that there are only two rules, etc., etc. Also on this page, Carole mentions that the SC will pitch in to make up for Red’s absence. Pay attention to how much work they do. Red must be freakin’ Superman if it takes three able-bodied girls to do what he can do in a single bound.
Page 9: Ugh, how could I have forgotten Danny’s show name. Who names a show horse “Go For Blue?” I mean really.
Page 12: Here’s where the scheming begins. Call me naïve, but if Carole, Lisa and Stevie want to go to the Macrae in the Pine Hollow van, why don’t they just…ask? I know if I wanted to hop on board and go to a horse show, all I’d have to do is say “sign me up!” cut a check and pack my trunk. Pony Club must be different.
Page 16: If Carole wants to live up to the expectation that she will make “the Team” (USET) someday, girlfriend had better get a move-on in the junior division at rated shows! Scrubbing water buckets is only going to get her so far in life.
Page 18: Oh dear God, Stevie just found out that some riders – gasp! – pay someone ELSE to braid their horses for them!
Page 20: Lisa wonders aloud if Prancer’s girth will fit Samson. This launches Carole into a mini-lecture on tack fit and conformation. Boy if I was this girl’s friend in real life, I’d learn to tune her out in a hurry.
Page 24: Lisa’s out hacking Samson and after twenty minutes of “dressage” (because that sounds more impressive than “shoulder-ins, leg yielding and collection/extension,” which is, I guarantee you, the closest Lisa gets to doing “dressage”), she decides to take Samson over a jump. Here are my thoughts on this: (a) This horse doesn’t belong to Lisa, nor is he a school horse, (b) he is Max’s horse and he is young – she does not have permission to jump him and (c) there’s no one around – you wouldn’t catch me jumping a horse I’d never ridden before unsupervised.
Page 26: After trotting and cantering Samson over the small jump “several” times, Lisa decides, in her infinite wisdom, to jump the brush jump that is alternately described in this book as “big,” “huge,” and one that “only the best riders at Pine Hollow” practice over. *head smack* Oh dear, oh dear, Lisa. If anyone ever pulled a stunt like that at my barn, you can bet they’d be out the door in a heartbeat. I don’t want to overstate this but let’s be logical here: you’re on a horse for the first time, you don’t know how much training it’s had, you trot it over one fence and it completely over-jumps, proving that it’s completely green. Naturally, the next step is go galloping pell-mell toward the biggest jump on the property just for the thrill of it.
Page 36: In a nice little blip of continuity “an Olympic horse” Carole has ridden is mentioned. Based on the context, I can only assume we’re talking about Southwood.
Page 37: Apparently, “Max doesn’t need another show horse.” I wasn’t aware that Max actually HAS any show horses. Doesn’t the man run a Pony Club branch? Who rides these “show horses,” I wonder?
Pages 39 and 42: Lisa never learns. Just once I’d like her to say, “Actually Mom, these Greek vases are about the most boring things I’ve ever seen” and “You know Mom, Veronica’s a bitch.” But oh no, we mustn’t make waves. It’s always “maybe you’re right, Mom.”
Page 52: Here is the only time you’ll read about any of the girls second-guessing their decision to train Samson as a jumper. Carol wonders if what they’re doing is “stupid and reckless.” In a word, yes.
Page 56: Oh man, Carole tells Lisa that “no matter how talented a horse is, you don’t want to rush him.” Yeah, ‘cause you guys are really going at a snail’s pace here. From totally green over fences to junior jumpers at a top-rated show in about a month – that’s standard, right? Riiiiiight.
Page 58: Again, I’m a little flabbergasted at the amount of work these girls are doing around the barn. From sunup to sundown, sometimes staying after dark…I’d love to see their tans at the end of the summer.
Page 83: No, Carole, Lisa isn’t “very sensitive to other people’s feelings,” she’s a doormat who doesn’t have the stones to come right out and ask for what she wants. “Hating conflict” doesn’t even scratch the surface, darlin.’
Page 84: Geez, just how big IS the brush jump? BB makes it sound about five feet tall!
Pages 85 thru 87: These three pages pretty much convince me that everyone in this book is totally clueless. Lisa lets Samson get too strong during her ride because she doesn’t want to hamper his enthusiasm. So, like green horses are wont to do, he blasts over a fence and jumps Lisa right out of the saddle. At no point do Carole or Mr. Grover (an actual horse trainer) call out to her to collect him or slow him or any variation of “whoa!” Then when Lisa (rightly) says that the mistake was hers, Carole brushes it off and basically says it happened because Samson is green and this was bound to happen eventually. Because God forbid we shatter Lisa’s confidence.
Page 103: Why is Stevie surprised that Veronica’s bedroom is one giant display of ostentatious frivolity?
Page 112: I actually really enjoy Stevie’s response to Carole and Lisa asking why she doesn’t want to ride Samson in the Macrae. I have the feeling that writing Stevie must be very enjoyable.
Pages 115 thru 117: Max discovers what the Saddle Club is up to. Dun dun DUN! Lucky for them he’s not mad – although I can’t fathom why. I also can’t fathom how he didn’t figure it out earlier.
Page 119: Ha ha! Max is “a horseman” who is “responsible for his horses and his students.” Again, I have to ask how he didn’t figure out what the girls were doing, responsible hands-on horseman that he is.
Page 121: I can’t really explain why, but when Lisa says “Samson by Cobalt out of Delilah” I grind my teeth a little. She knows that his sire and dam aren’t famous, right? I mean, they’re both really nice horses and everything, but what does she think she’s proving by throwing that out there? Maybe it’s just supposed to add an unnecessary flourish to her little speech.
Page 138: I get a migraine just reading Mrs. Atwood’s dialogue. She. Is. Such. A. Moron. Her daughter just told her she gets to achieve a life goal and ride a fabulous horse that she’s been helping train herself in a hugely important show and the woman goes on and on about how important a society event this is and how she’ll need a haircut and if Lisa wins “the trophy” she’ll get to go to the winner’s circle (Mrs. Atwood clearly doesn’t realize this isn’t the Kentucky Derby), and on and on. Again, can I get a “cram it, Mom!” Lisa?
Page 141: No, Lisa, you didn’t “get into a fence wrong,” you let the horse get too revved up and it got you dumped.
Page 143: Carole mentions that once, at one of these top-rated shows, a girl cut Carole off in line at the toilet even though she knew Carole was on deck to ride. I have a question and a comment about this – when did Carole go to all these fancy schmancy shows? I know I haven’t read EVERY book in the series, but I don’t seem to remember a lot of A-rated horse shows in between riding camp, Pony Club rallies in England, teaching a movie star to ride, learning to wrangle cattle, etc. Oh, and I guess that’ll teach you to use the bathroom before you leave the stabling area, won’t it Carole?
Page 149: Veronica can’t join the group at TD’s because she’s at home with her coach, discussing “strategy.” What the heck kind of show jumping “strategy” is there to discuss when you haven’t even seen the course?
Page 150: The girls act surprised that making a living in the horse industry is tough. Carole’s in for a rude awakening when she’s not able to simultaneously be a vet, a trainer, a competitive rider and a breeder isn’t she?

My Verdict:

You’d think, with the amount of sniping I did throughout this book, that I hated it. Well, you’re kind of right, but not totally right. I don’t understand how the girls pulled off Project Secret Horse for as long as they did. I can’t believe we’re supposed to buy that a horse that’s never jumped before spends a month being trained by three 13 year-old girls and is suddenly ready for the big time. I’m really confused as to why Stevie needed to spy on Veronica/pretend to be her friend. Oh and Lisa got on my nerves. All that being said, I like Saddle Club installments where the minor characters are kept to a minimum and the plot revolves mainly around Stevie, Carole and Lisa. Stevie has some great moments in this book, and Veronica is deliciously snooty. If this book was a movie, I’d be able to look past the inconsistencies and occasional lapses in credulity because I liked the characters. Most of the time.

You think you can double cross people...like our Muslim president from Kenya?!

2012-02-08T06:46:00.000-05:00

Luck
1.2: "Episode Two"

You know, I don't think I can fully support a show that doesn't bother to appropriately title their episodes. Are you above actual titles, David Milch?

Okay. Episode Two brings us some updates on these people that populate Luck's less than rainbows and sunshine world of horse racing. Ace meets his probation officer, who seems "decent" because he turns on the sink faucet when Ace has trouble urinating into a cup. Although I did like the little detail when the officer asked Ace what he did while he was in prison, because if you can't pee when someone's watching it must be horrible being male. Ace simply says that people made adjustments, which goes a long way in showing that this sweet little man who appears so polite and clean cut (who doesn't like it when his trainer curses, for instance) is actually very frightening.

But then there was a lot of random talking I didn't follow. I think someone wants to buy Santa Anita Park, in which case I'm sure there will be more random talking that I will completely tune out. I basically heard blah blah Santa Anita blah blah buy blah monies blah.

Speaking of monies, The Degenerate is busy blowing his portion of his pick six earnings on poker. Because he sucks at poker. This nameless guy keeps taunting him about it, which I think was my favorite part of the episode. Oxygen Man is pissed that The Degenerate keeps blowing their randomly earned dollars, because they went to great effort to remain anonymous. Oxygen Man can't have The Degenerate out there losing thousands of dollars a night. They have crappy reputations to maintain! The others do not agree. In fact, Third Wheel wants to claim the horse that won them the money (more on this in a minute), and Dick wants to buy spiffy suits so he can please the women. Women, as well all know, are all about shiny packaging.

So let's talk horses for a little bit. Nick Nolte grumbles some more about this horse that is the son of the previously awesome (now dead) Delphi. He decides to talk to Gary Stevens about how Delphi is actually Alydar. People insured him for $30 million and then broke his legs to collect the pay out. Gary Stevens, naturally, gets to ride Delphi's colt instead of Exercise Girl From England Or Somewhere.

And then we get to this claiming race, and the horse who shouldn't have been in the claiming race anyway. The trainer, who is completely crazy and I have very little patience for, gets pissed off that he was claimed and I just want to slap people when they make these decisions and then get angry when the very obvious outcome happens and they vow revenge. Which is basically what happens. Only Third Wheel does not wind up claiming the horse, as someone else had a claim in on it, and I think it's apparent that this quartet has crap luck when not gambling on horses.

Speaking of crap luck, Dick gets roofied by the women he's trying to seduce...I'm not sure why...and then they try to attack him during their unsuccessful threesome. He manages to escape and winds up bloodied and roofied outside of Oxygen Man's hotel. However, The Degenerate manages to hit a win streak at the poker table after losing yet more money, walking away with some amount of cash and reclaiming a little more of his dignity.

And then we wind up in bed with Ace again, as he monologues about something. I guess it was important. I, however, was too busy wondering if we were going to end every episode with Ace talking to his chauffeur as he lounges around on his bed in his PJs.

I just don't know about this show. I can't tell if it's really going anywhere, or, if it is, that I'll actually be interested in these people when it finally gets up to speed. For what it's worth, I liked this episode better than the pilot, but that's probably just because it's benefiting from all the ground work the pilot laid down.

It still makes me feel dirty after watching it, though. It's very good in this regard.

Heartland 1.9: Ghost from the Past

2012-02-07T18:02:00.000-05:00

Heartland
1.9: Ghost from the Past

Psst. Did you know Ty knew actual people during his shady past full of group homes? Well, he did. And they are, shockingly, also shady. From this, I conclude that all orphans or otherwise abandoned youth are criminals in training.

But not to worry, Ty is a juvenile delinquent with a heart of gold, and isn't about to let some trashy memory with horrible taste in jewelry derail him from his goal of non-probation. This trashy memory is named Kerry-Anne, and she's working in the kitchen at Briar Ridge, home of resident antagonist, Ashley.

However, we're going to back up a second and witness Mrs. Bell have a heart attack, which I suppose is her graceful exit from the show. Mrs. Bell's pony, Sugarfoot, is transferred to Heartland, where he decides that he is above living in stalls and barges into the house to watch Lou shower. Lou, who has had a horse related epiphany thanks to her fond memories of Sugarfoot when she was a child, decides that this is all just great. In fact, they should never give Sugarfoot back. And when Mrs. Bell's niece comes to collect the pony, Lou has a panic attack and comes up with a lame reason to keep the pony right where he is...in the bathroom, in the house.

Meanwhile, Kerry-Anne is planting the seeds of discontent, or trying to, by being super outgoing and horrible to all around her. Somehow she manages to get in on one of those group dinners I love so much, casually chatting about how much sex she and Ty were probably having back in that group home, and also that they are super awesome together, and Amy had better watch herself. No one is impressed, but she keeps talking, and is rudely shot down by Ty afterward. Just what is Kerry-Anne thinking? Ty is a responsible horsey teen now! These people don't steal cars, Kerry-Anne. Pick up a horse book and you'll understand.

Rebuffed, Kerry-Anne immediately runs into Ashley, who takes her under her wing so she can hear all the Ty gossip. Kerry-Anne provides, and then steals Ashley's ugly horseshoe pendant. Ashley immediately decides that Ty was in on the stealing, so Ty has to go hunt down Kerry-Anne on her way out of town, fix her car, and take back the necklace. He arrives back in time to sit down with his probation officer, reputation still intact.

This episode was dull. I think I will probably resort to random point giving in the next installments, and I will now randomly assign points to this episode as a whole. That number will be 39.1.

Heartland 1.8: Out of the Darkness

2012-02-06T19:36:00.002-05:00

Heartland
1.8: Out of the Darkness

Yet another episode tied directly to a series book by the same name, Heartland gives us serious trauma in the form of Gallant Prince and his trainer. Gallant Prince was once famous, in that he won something. Amy likes to casually watch his race to find motivation, during which the race announcer says, "and Gallant Prince pulls away! He's going to win...the race!"

Oh, yeah? He's going to win "the race." I always find attempts to rewrite race announcing hilarious, if not completely maddening (Secretariat, anyone?)

Anyway, Lisa's ex-husband (shhh, we don't know she has an ex-husband yet) trailers Gallant Prince over to Heartland and Jack goes off about how the ranch isn't equipped to hold a stallion. Just what are they equipped to handle? I am exceedingly unimpressed with this operation. Nevertheless, their unequippedness doesn't keep Gallant Prince away. Amy takes him on, and the first night a storm rolls through and completely pushes the horse over the edge. Gallant Prince, you see, was once involved in a fire and his trainer was "on watch" that night, and was also severely burned. But not to worry, Amy is on the case!

Meanwhile, Mallory tells Ty that he needs to just come out and tell the object of his pining affection all about his turgid love. For, you see, Mallory loves Ty and seems to be very bad at taking her own advice. Why can't Ty understand her nonsensical girl crush on him? Damn Amy and her stupid, perfect hair and her stupid, perfect face! Ty doesn't get it at all, so Mallory walks off in a huff and yells at Jack that he and Lisa are equally annoying and they just need to come out and tell Lisa he wants to date her and not do this stupid dancing around each other and pretending that they're only going to a horse auction. YOU ARE OLD, Mallory proclaims. YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE STUPID, LIKE TY.

Jack does not listen, and consequently he winds up stranded on the side of the road with Lisa and a picnic involving turkey sandwiches. And it was beautiful. I wanted to be there and soak in the beauty, and I probably would have yelled at them to shut up or go make out in their truck or something so I could appreciate the beauty in peace.

Eventually they get the auction, and Lisa's ex-husband pops up to say, "Hey, you know my wife!" And Jack plows out of there faster than he could (probably) spit tobacco onto the ground, abandoning Lisa in the middle of nowhere.

While this is happening, Amy is trying to talk Gallant Prince's owner out of his man cave. His wife stands by, utterly useless, and in a huff, Amy gives up and is subjected to Ty's attempt to be open about his feelings, nearly kissing her before Amy tearfully proclaims that she doesn't want their relationship to be ruined because kissing ruins lives.

Eventually, the trainer guy shows up anyway and bonds with Gallant Prince, who is thrilled to see him. But then Lisa's ex-husband shows up to yell about how the trainer cannot be near the horse, since it's all the trainer's fault the horse is crazy. Amy is all SEE SENSE, to the guy, but Lisa's ex-husband is blind to sense and orders the horse into the trailer. Lisa tells her ex-husband he is a complete ass, and then yells at Jack for leaving her at the auction, because if he'd stayed around he would have clearly had a better shot with her. And now...well, yeah, he still has a pretty good shot. Maybe Lisa has low standards?

But then it comes out that his assistant trainer or whoever/pathetic excuse of the ex-husband's son set the fire, and Gallant Prince knows. Of course he does. So ex-husband offers the trainer his job back, and all is well.

Oh, and Amy and Tim go on a horseback ride together. It was also pretty.

Heartland 1.7

2012-02-05T18:47:00.000-05:00

Heartland
1.7: Come What May

Out of nowhere I started watching Heartland again, because I am, sadly, just a little bit in love with it. It's just so pretty, you guys. And there's teen angst, and storming out of family dinners, and riding that looks halfway competent if done by people who aren't Ty. How can one resist temptations such as this?

So I gave in.

I haven't read the book that corresponds with this episode, but having seen the back of the volume in question it looks like a mirror image. The ranch is taking on a pregnant mare, and they all freak because the ranch isn't equipped to have a pregnant mare. But take the mare they do, because they're all such adorable bleeding hearts. Meanwhile, Mallory -- the extraneous kid who is always there and seems to have no relation to anyone -- is teaching Ty how to ride and this results in galloping across the Canadian wilderness, hysterics, and falling. Only Ty loves it. He wants to gallop, be hysterical, and fall some more! For then he will be able to ride in the upcoming round up and be respected by Amy and finally, finally, he can put away the baseball cap and know the sweetness of the cowboy hat.

But because of this pregnant mare, Amy and Ty decide that she can't be trusted with her pregnancy and watch her like super parental hawks in four hour shifts. Meanwhile, Ben (who was previously seen in a domestic dispute with his horse) is attempting to avoid his aunt, and is put out that Amy decides the mare is more important than his show and he can just be an adult for once and go train himself. Except he's too busy being irate that his aunt sent him jumps from France and is acting out by storming out of the kitchen and throwing around half-peeled potatoes when Amy tries to persuade him to chat to the woman on the phone. Who will peel those potatoes now, Ben? You said you could cook and you are full of lies!

So Ty skips out on the pregnant mare, leaving Amy on double duty so he can go wave Jack's cowboy hat at cows. Jack is pissed that the lead on the round up is Tim, Amy and Lou's absent father, who points at Jack and informs him that he is old and one day soon he'll be asking good old Tim to help him onto his horse because Jack is too frail to mount by himself. Jack retaliates with physical violence, Ty falls down a ravine after doing something stupid with his horse and a cow, and then everyone doesn't chuckle later when Tim mends Ty's cracked ribs, because cracked ribs are not a joke, Ty. You are a horrible rider.

While the men of the story are off punching each other and taping up injuries in the dark of the Canadian wilds, the women are playing midwife to Melody, who decides she's going to give birth early and Scott, being a typical vet, is too busy and tells them to deal with it. They have all the shoulder length gloves they need. They'll be fine! *click* Lou, put out by this whole thing, shoves her hands up there with Amy and hauls that baby out of there to agonized squeals.

Eventually it all ends with Ben's aunt, Lisa, getting the side eye from Jack, Ben and Lisa bonding over his third place ribbon, and Amy deciding to name the foal Daybreak...although I'm pretty sure the foal isn't hers to name. So, for all of us just catching up on Heartland, Amy didn't storm out at dinner in this episode, Lou did something disgusting and lived through it without soiling her pristine tank top, and Ty earned his cowboy hat by falling off a cliff. This is probably not the best story for him to tell to his future children, actually. He should seriously consider lying.

Watching She-Ra

2012-02-05T14:59:00.001-05:00

Claire, who has contributed her comedic take on horse books and various Thoroughbred series installments around here, is taking on She-Ra (yes, you heard me, the whole series) on Tumblr: Watching She-Ra.

Go.

I give you: a horse crazed moon colony? Huh?

2012-02-02T11:26:00.002-05:00

Those horse robots are straight out of Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer.

New Series: Timber Ridge Riders

2012-01-31T21:53:00.000-05:00

Keeping Secrets
Timber Ridge Riders Series

by Maggie Dana

A valuable horse is dead, and it's all her fault . . . which is why 14-year-old Kate McGregor has put horses and riding out of her life. Forever!

But her new job as a companion to Holly Chapman, a former riding star who's now confined to a wheelchair, takes her back to the barn where she's forced to confront her guilt. Can Kate keep her terrible secret from Holly, who is fast becoming her best friend? And, more important, can she keep her secret from Angela Dean who lives for only two things--winning ribbons and causing trouble?

Some of us might find this synopsis familiar, because Timber Ridge Riders was once a book series called Best Friends. It took me a while to put my finger on why it seemed like I'd been here before, until I realized I'd read the fourth book in the series, If Wishes Were Horses, circa 1988. Naturally I hadn't read the previous books, as I was a child and had not yet developed crazy quirks like stridently insisting on chronological order. Therefore my memory is hazy, but bells are definitely ringing and I am intrigued.

Anyway, Kate is a roving teen looking for a job. Her mom is gone, and her dad has basically abandoned her for bugs, leaving her with an aunt who would rather not have this responsibility. Consequently, Kate goes forth and, with the courage and tenacity most of us lack in this economy, lands herself a job as companion for a wheelchair-bound teen named Holly. Kate moves in for the summer and thinks she has it made, right up until she realizes that horse stable they all live on? Yeah, that's going to be a big part of her life, and Kate would rather it not be.

Holly lives and breathes horses, which is not so great for Kate because it turns out Kate is traumatized from having accidentally killed her old barn's favorite horse: Black Magic. In order to get out of being near the horses Holly insists she be around every waking moment, Kate feigns horse phobia (is there a word for that? Equinophobia! Thank you, internets!) and is immediately mocked by the reigning antagonist, Angela, an antagonist name if ever there was one. Angela has problems of her own, of course. Her mother is a show mom on steroids, and it's all she can do to get a couple of nice words out of the woman. Therefore, all will know Angela's wrath, and Kate is right in her path of fury.

When Sue, one of the riders on the stable's equestrian team, is injured out in the woods somewhere, Kate is forced to out herself and leaps aboard Holly's horse, Magician, in order to race for help. Everyone goes ooooh at Kate's sudden and unexpected ability, before going boooo at Kate's lie, and finally landing on awwwww after she tells Holly her tragic tale of woe. But now that Sue can't ride, Kate is the perfect fall back, so looks like everything happens for a reason. Or something.

Only Angela is lurking in the shadows, having overheard everything and plotting mercilessly to make sure Kate can never ride at Timber Ridge! For that would surely mean Angela would not receive the medal for individual accomplishment at the upcoming show, and that means she must do what antagonists do sort of well, but not really. Sweet, sweet blackmail.

Forced to not tell Holly's mother, the manager and trainer of these kids and their horses at the barn, because Angela will then take Kate's horse killer story to her mother, who will then make sure Holly's mom knows the sting of a pink slip, Kate feels trapped and helpless. Thus begins the power struggle.

I will say one thing, I have never seen a more motivated antagonist. You know how lots of middle-grade horse books have "antagonists" who are sort of annoying and might do one or two somewhat ridiculous things that are more merely irksome than they are true sights to behold? Angela falls into the last category. When blackmail doesn't succeed, she moves on to researching the rulebook to get Kate kicked off the team. When that doesn't pan out, she destroys the cross country trails to ensure Kate gets lost. When Kate pops out of the forest despite the bad signage, she wrecks Kate's stall so the team will be docked points for bad stable management. That actually works. But is she done? Hell no! We have stirrups to tamper with, because Angela is thorough.

But I'm not saying Angela makes the book. Kate is rather likeable by herself, and Holly is plucky and enthusiastic. The horse scenes are knowledgeable without going overboard, and while there is a subtle hint of Wonder Pony about Magician, the book certainly tones down the sentiment that seems to run rampant in horse books. (ie, crops are used to effect without anyone crying about it.) By the end, winning is shown not to be all there is in life, which is accentuated by the show results and the battle royale at the end.

Keeping Secrets has reminded me that I really should scour Amazon for more independently published horse books, because where traditional publishing has failed me in so many ways, the indie authors are out there striking out on their own, taking chances publishing houses would probably rather not. Kids with Kindles and a distinct love of horses will devour Keeping Secrets and search for more. Not to mention, I will be reading more so I can compare and contrast with my hazy memory of book #4.

Keeping Secrets is available for Kindles everywhere at Amazon.

"You never get used to it. That's why they make Jim Beam."

2012-01-31T18:33:00.001-05:00

Luck
1.1: Pilot

Luck might be interesting.

I say that since I could see my face reflected back at me on my computer screen as I watched the pilot episode, and mainly my expression was that of pained befuddlement. And I kind of got what was happening about three quarters of the time. No really!

We shall start with Ace (Dustin Hoffman). Ace just spent three years in prison for something. Maybe that something was mentioned and I tuned it out somehow, but he's been in prison and now he's out and he's kind of melodramatic and eccentric...in a cute way. At one point he gets all bent out of shape when one of his shady friends hesitates at his recording device and he throws a fit about how it's a helpful aid because he forgets things *tears shirt apart, buttons flying everywhere* and he was in prison and holy shit the buttons just flew off his shirt and now he's embarrassed and he needs new shirts because prison left him a physically smaller masculine specimen. And he sits down and tries to do his buttonless shirt back up.

He's adorable.

Meanwhile, since I suppose he was banned from the track, his chauffeur now owns all of his horses, one of which is a $2 million dollar pony that will not pass a bowel movement, irritating his trainer who gets mad at his bug jockey for saying things like "we're going to win big!" or something, because to talk about anything other than the weather on the backside is forbidden. (They do, actually, win big.)

Then there's Nick Nolte. I don't know what his name is, but he mutters to himself a lot and stares at his horse and I suppose some of those mutterings were about how someone killed the horse's father...or his own father. Regardless, someone (or some horse) is dead and Nick Nolte didn't stop it. Generally speaking, the second these words popped out of his mouth, I thought about that creepy shoebox of porn and a little part of this show was ruined for me.

Then there's the four handicappers who spend the whole episode plotting to win the day's pick six. I have no idea what their names are, but for me they will be known as Oxygen Man, The Degenerate, Dick, and Third Wheel. Oxygen Man is the ringleader who yells at The Degenerate a lot, since he has a gambling problem (ha! at a racetrack, you say?). No, no, he has a poker problem. He only gambles on racing to feed his urge to lose at poker. Dick and Third Wheel are sort of extraneous characters I don't care about, only Dick feels that he's entitled to blow his winnings on prostitutes and Third Wheel is essentially that. I have no idea why he's there. Anyway, they win $2.8 million dollars on the pick six, making them sort of well off after you divide that four ways and take out taxes. Don't get too excited, you guys. You'll only be back tomorrow.

Also, a horse dies...graphically. It was not too offensive, and did not insult my intelligence. They just outright show everything: bone snaps, vet shows up, screen goes up, intravenous pink liquid administered, horse dies. Pretty cut and dry. But the poor, previously enthusiastic bug has his heart broken and trampled upon, so Gary Stevens shows up to tell him how to cope: drink. Heavily.

However, it's an exercise rider girl who provides the moment I really liked in this pilot, which basically sold me on the entire series, where she rides Nick Nolte's horse in a breeze. It's beautiful. Girl and horse are galloping and then girl and horse are racing time, and the second that happens was pretty awesome to behold.

So it's a pilot that is putting down a lot of ground work. I can't say I was really wildly impressed with it, but it's certainly authentic. I felt a little dirty after watching it, just like days at the track usually make me feel. I suppose I'll keep up with it out of curiosity's sake or until I'm genuinely interested in the goings on, which apparently occur around episode five.

This will be a long race.

TB #51: Distance Runner

2012-01-22T21:07:00.001-05:00

Distance Runner
Thoroughbred #51
by Jennifer Chu

Christina and Star need a change of pace.

A competitive bug is sweeping through Whitebrook Farm. Image, Star, and Gratis are all contenders for the Triple Crown races, which begins with the Kentucky Derby, a little over a month away.

Christina can't stand the pressure. So, when she is given the chance to leave Kentucky for a little while and ride for another farm in California, where Derby fever isn't quite as intense, she packs her bags and takes Star with her. There, Chris focuses on making the most of Star's running style. He's always been a come–from behind–horse, but he sometimes misses his chance to beat the leaders. Christina is going to try to change that in time for the Derby. But it may not be as easy as she thinks.

Hey, guys! I have returned with another Thoroughbred book, which just so happens to be more Christina melodrama, so I'm sure you're all appropriately thrilled. Up there we have a book cover, in which Star and Christina are attempting to wedge themselves in between two horse butts and Star is probably about a half second from clipping heels with Horse Butt #1. You know, of all of these colored pencil drawings (or whatever they call themselves) I happen to be mildly okay with this one. There is action. For whatever reason, Christina is wearing green and white. It's just like Wildfire, you guys! How can I not like such randomness?

Well, anyway, Christina and everyone else she's ever known (that's almost in the literal sense) are at Keeneland preparing for the time-honored tradition of running a Whitebrook pony in the Bluegrass. Actually, Jennifer Chu really screws up the Derby prep race order in this book thanks to creative license, which is one of the many reasons the rest of the lead up to the Derby makes even less sense. But that's reality, and Thoroughbred doesn't do reality, even when it tries! (I actually really, really regret the attempts at inserting realism, but that's another story.) Christina exercises Star during yet another time-honored Whitebrook tradition: the three-furlong breeze. She notices, to her horror, that Star starts his breeze well enough, only to not try to rip her arms out of their sockets and leave her behind in a speedy fury in the second furlong, gradually speeding up in the last bit of the work.

As we all know THIS IS HORRIFYING. SO HORRIFYING. Ashleigh, Mike, Ian, Cindy, and probably even Melanie take one look at this situation and call it like it is: Star is a closer. A closer, Christina. This is how closers act in workouts, never mind actual races. But these people, of course, are not Christina and they can never know the sheer magic that courses from Star to Christina. Never! (Okay, I'm pretty sure Christina never utters the infamous "they don't know *insert horse name here* like I do!" line, so I'll hand it to Jennifer Chu for finding a new way to get that sentiment across without being totally aggravating.)

So here's the deal: since Star wired the field in the Louisiana Derby, Christina, for whatever reason, believes he is now a front runner, and must exercise as such forever and always. Christina apparently hasn't heard of flukes, or maybe Karle Dickerson just knew the easy way out of a race scene. Regardless, Christina now wants Star to be a front runner/awesome stamina-having sprinter of doom. I don't know. Star, of course, has no idea what he's in for.

Trying to avoid the crush of reporters that flock around her always, Christina runs into a horse having it out with a mechanical hotwalker. Because Christina keeps dozens of carrots in her pants, she whips them out and of course this distracts the horse from destroying the hotwalker and bashing open her head in the process. His trainers, the new kids in town from the West Coast called the Johnstons, immediately show up to give Christina the critical eye and proclaim her fit to ride their pack of nerves called Callie later that afternoon.

Chris rides the horse, they win, but Melanie rode Raven in the same race and decided to stir up some drama by calling foul. Get this: according to Melanie, Christina was over there waving her crop around in the middle of the race, and because Raven is a delicate Whitebrook horse, she flinched. Now, this is hard to believe just in general, but who actually uses crops at Whitebrook? Even though they all like to say that maybe the crop could be the miracle answer to all life's ills, and supposedly these devices are used on other, less fragile horses...seriously? I'm supposed to believe this?

Christina is crushed, and Melanie decides to glare at her for several days. They go to the birthday party of a friend (like we care who) and act like twelve-year-olds, and then Christina discovers Parker aimlessly stalking the broodmare paddock at Whitebrook in the middle of the night and they break up because they have no time and apparently this will eventually mean heartbreak and hurt somewhere down the road. Thus Christina can now take Star to California, and Parker can train for the Olympics in England, and maybe they will successfully date others who will never understand their miraculous bonds with their wonder ponies. Ha! If only.

Christina manages to convince Ashleigh to let her take Star to California, because Cindy helpfully dragged up all those time she was a bitch to people. Yes, fierce competition within family units is a horrible thing, something I was forced to read about for many, many books. Thanks for reminding me, Cindy. THANKS A LOT.

So Christina has her way and takes Star to California, because she does not have to be at school and her parents totally trust her with the farm's Derby runner, and apparently "exclusive" attention for Star in Christina-speak is training Callie, exercising every other horse in the West Coast, and then getting around to Star.

While in California, things continue to go to hell with Star as Christina refuses to believe he is anything other than a frontrunner. Meanwhile, new boy Aaron is here to offer a shoulder for Christina to cry on. He tries to take her out on the town in efforts to show her California, but in true Thoroughbred fashion, Christina freaks out over Star's poor times and shuns him, refusing to have fun because that is for the irresponsible. She decides that the only way to get Star's attention is to smack him with the crop, which of course Star literally cannot stand and falls apart. Christina does not know any other way to train her horse, so she keeps using the crop and things keep getting worse and let me remind us all that this is the girl that used her hand to smack her horse when he was panicking not two books ago. Two books! Two!

So at Santa Anita, during the big reveal for Callie's owners, nothing works out, both horses suck, and famous trainers rue the day that they asked a 17-year-old they don't know to train their horse. Or whatever was going on. Aaron comforts Christina as she has a breakdown in Star's stall, and then finally gets her to go to an amusement park with him.

This is probably the first time Christina has experienced non-horse fun in her life, so naturally she has no idea how to react. Poor girl. She backpedals to discuss Star at any and all opportunity, and has her moment of enlightenment: she's a moron! That's right! Star isn't a frontrunner. He's a closer! Looks like all those people that didn't know her horse like she did actually did know her horse better than she did. So Aaron and Christina decide to pull a Cindy and take the horses out at night in order to prove Christina's point that she was stupid. After some brilliant attempts to lure Star into running like his old self using motivational speaking, it turns out that, yup, Chris is stupid.

So Christina gets out of everyone's way, Callie wins his race, Star comes in second in his after narrowly avoiding disaster, and Christina tells everyone that Aaron should ride Callie in the Preakness before coming clean to poor Aaron that she just broke up with her lifetime forever love. But don't worry, Aaron. You've demonstrated to Christina that there are other things out there besides horses for girls to think about (i.e., males, of course!) Hooray Triple Crown!

"Spectators" and "reporters" are not the same thing.
How is it that Image and Gratis are the horses to beat? Did I miss the point in the series where they were brilliant and actually won a serious race?
Dude, the whole point of a race (and a breeze) is to go faster at the end than you're going at the start. That's what they call "building stamina" and how you win races. Stop complaining about nothing, Chris! (By the way, this is the Big Problem That Needs Solving in this book. Which means it's not a problem at all.)
If Christina "is the only one" who knew how the Louisiana Derby really went down, she's not doing her job.
How many carrots does Christina keep in her pockets at any given point in the day? A whole bag?
Ooh, today Brad is wearing a tailored suit with gold buttons.
A Jeep! It's been so long since I've seen a Jeep carting around a Thoroughbred series character, it almost makes me misty eyed for the good old days. With this and all the Cindy Era nostalgia I'm half tempted to just say it: Jennifer Chu is the New Generation's Joanna Campbell.
Does anyone get the feeling of Gary Stu for Aaron? The book, as refreshing as it is in certain ways, has the stink of fanfic on it. Consider: main character dumps boyfriend, and suddenly a new love interest pops up who is, of course, perfect in all ways. I'm not saying Jennifer Chu wants to date Christina, but it fits a certain pattern.

Next up, I think we're actually going back in time to see what Melanie was up to in Florida. Because apparently she was there, and now she's back in Kentucky, and no one decided to talk about it at all in Distance Runner other to say she was there and there were "obstacles." Yet one more perplexing decision brought to you by Thoroughbred!

Thoroughbred #50: Team Player

2011-11-28T19:46:00.001-05:00

Team Player

by Alice Leonhardt

2001

It seems that Team Player had the misfortune of being too long when it was a Word document sitting on some editor's hard drive, and instead of requesting a little editing to trim the story down to an appropriate length, the editor decided it would be easier to highlight the entirety of the last chapter and hit the delete button.

Oh, Thoroughbred. It's this dedication to quality that makes me love you so.

Will Parker make the team?

Parker Townsend and his Thoroughbred mare, Foxglove, have proven that they have the talent to compete in the Olympics in combined training. But they still haven't made the team. Parker can't figure it out. He's won more events than any of his competitors, and Foxy is in top form. No jump is too high for them, no dressage course is too technical. So why haven't the Olympic stewards asked him to join the team?

His trainer, Samantha McLean, knows why. Parker isn't a team player. He always does his best and usually wins, but sometimes that's not enough. In order to compete, Parker must show the Olympic stewards that he can help out his team members and ride for the team.

This summary is a tad exaggerated. Parker has in fact not "won more events than any of his competitors," nor does he "usually" win. The sad state of affairs is more subdued, but that doesn't make for good summary writing, apparently. The fact of the matter is that Lyssa has actually been the winner of all the events the summary seems to think Parker has been winning, therefore making the question of why Lyssa has been picked to be on the team and not Parker far less of a head scratcher.

But whatevs. Let's get down to business.

Parker is super busy. He's got responsibilities (horses to ride, Foxy to train, Kaitlin to yell at, mountains of tack to clean because we all know tack is forever dirty even two seconds after it's been scrubbed to death), unappreciative girlfriends to placate (Christina), parents to avoid (The Townsends, in all their awesome hilarity), and so many things to worry about (the Olympics, school, maybe buying a new horse with no money). It's hard to be Parker, okay?

Because he has no money, he's been reduced to teaching kids how to pull the manes of their school ponies, which is a tremendous lesson in patience while Samantha is persistently nagging him to buy a young horse while trying to hide the magazine that proclaims Lyssa the next Olympic horse goddess. Lyssa has gotten on the USET team's short list, and Parker has not. Parker attempts to not be bitter, and fails. Samantha makes a casual remark about that chip on his shoulder and then whirls off to be unproductive somewhere else as Parker drags his feet to Whitebrook to remark about how his relationship with Christina has changed, and it's not for the better.

You see, Christina and Parker never see each other anymore, both aiming for their completely unreasonable dreams because everyone knows that after the age of eighteen it's standard practice to give up on yourself and help children you kind of know and/or created accomplish greatness. In other words, life loses all meaning when you're an adult. Parker tries to seek support from Christina regarding this whole Lyssa development (come on, people, we know you all just want to bitch about her. Just do it already) and gets nothing but, "That's great! They're still accepting young riders!" Of which they have one, so do they need more? Just saying.

Parker trudges off to class and then goes home to Townsend Acres, where he decides that it's finally time to suck up to his parents and try to get back into his trust fund. Brad, because nothing is better than racing -- nothing -- has cut off Parker and made him drive an unreliable truck and be poor until Parker shucks off his Olympics dreams and gets into the family business. Only all he's greeted with is a buffet table of eggs and bacon, which Parker falls upon like a ravenous honey badger while Lavinia looks on in sheer horror and Brad mutters about how a Townsend doesn't wear jeans during breakfast. They wear suits and diamonds, naturally.

Fresh from that comical interlude, Parker runs off to Townsend Acres Version Warmbloods so he can look at a horse that is outside of his price range, because Samantha doesn't get that he has no money. That's when they meet Wizard of Oz, or Ozzie, burned out stadium jumper who has no interest in doing work ever again. Naturally Samantha's all ooooh, this one! And so they take Ozzie on trial, but not before they look down their noses at Ozzie's successful and therefore "arrogant" and obviously horrible owner.

There's a three-day event of some such that Parker wins, attracting the attention of Captain Donnelly of USET fame, which leads to Captain Donnelly deciding to move his two short list USET people (Lyssa and a Jeff who is of no import) to Whisperwood so he can stalk Parker and cause him great emotional turmoil. Parker drops the ball when put on the spot, but then manages to save things when he's invited to a lesson with Lyssa and Jeff, only to drop the ball again when he gets all internally uppity about being told what to do. Nobody knows Foxy like Parker!

You know, it's a real wonder that Christina and Parker couldn't make it through this book. They are so perfect for each other. Unfortunately they split. Or "take a break" after Parker misses a date and decides that hey, he won't try to call or do anything about it until later. How do these people not have cell phones? This is 2001!

Well anyway, Parker takes Ozzie out to mull his decision about whether or not to go further into debt in order to buy him and Lyssa, giver of bad advice, says that he totally should. Just stick him in a round pen (which doesn't wind up working, of course) and all will be fine! Oh, if only we could all be sponsored like Lyssa! What a magical life she leads. I'm shocked Parker hasn't gone crazy. I really am.

So Rolex rolls around. Samantha and Kaitlin strong arm Parker into going to the party beforehand, which Parker is of course staunchly against. Parties might mean fun is afoot, and as we all know fun is the work of the devil! I'm surprised Samantha even wants to take part in this horror show, but I suppose that she is an adult, and her life no longer has meaning or ambition. All the more time for parties!

Parker goes to the party, only to run into his parents, who have come to the realization that there are rich people around the Rolex also! Let's mingle! Brad remarks that it's quaint that the winner gets a Rolex watch. Oh, if only Parker were into racing; he could have all the Rolex watches he desires should he give up on this fool's errand. Mission to destroy Parker's confidence accomplished, so back to mingling!

God, that man is just so awesome.

Samantha gets Parker's mood back on track on the first day of Rolex, and he completely crushes the dressage test and skyrockets into third. Then the cross country comes along the second day, and there's much angst. It is hot! Horses are dropping like flies. The jumps are terrific and difficult. If only Parker would listen to advice. Samantha is here to help with her so-so wisdom! Captain Donnelly wants him to do well, but not invite him on the team so Parker tosses his advice and goes for broke. Foxy barely makes it through the course in an effort that puts them in first place, but this effort is too much for the horse and there is pandemonium and tears and screaming and oxygen tanks and hypodermic needles and Parker feels like a total loser because his horse is probably dying right there at Rolex and...

That's the end of the book. No closure for you! That's just the way Thoroughbred rolls.

In all seriousness, Alice Leonhardt was awesome and supplied fans with the cut chapter. I once had it in my possession, and I once knew what it contained. But that was in 2001, so I've clearly forgotten it entirely and have lost the chapter in all the computers I've left in my wake.

That all said, despite the mysterious ending, Team Player is a solid installment in the series. Granted, I have a hard time wrapping my head around Parker trying to get on the USET team, especially when he has these hilarious moments of enlightenment about how he's competing against riders who are worlds better than him at Rolex and he's still expecting to get short listed.

Maybe this series was always about supporting delusions of grandeur. It's all starting to make sense now!

#51, Distance Runner, aka Christina Discovers California And Fails to Appreciate It, is up next.

Thoroughbred #49: Rising Star

2011-11-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

Rising Star
By Karle Dickerson
Published: 2001

Hey, you guys! So I haven't read a Thoroughbred book since February 2010. I had to look this up, because it had been so long. Then I had to look up just where this story had left off with Christina before Rising Star came along and introduced Whitebrook to Louisiana. Turns out they were in Montana previously. And then everything came flooding back. It was like watching scenes from Thoroughbred flash before your eyes in a crappy montage with music by Coldplay. It was horrifying.

So let's step back on the crazy train, shall we?

Is Wonder's Star a has-been?

No one thought Wonder's Star would get well again. Everyone was certain he would never run another race. The racing press was calling him a has-been.

But Christina Reese never gave up hope. Slowly and steadily she's been bringing Star back into racing condition. In her heart of hearts she still has Triple Crown dreams for them, but the Kentucky Derby is only a few months away and they're running out of time! Instead of starting with an easy local prep race, Christina enters Star in a tough Derby prep race, praying that he can withstand the grueling pace. Is it too much, too soon? Or will Star shine like the champion that he is?

In the previous Star/Christina book, they were in Montana learning about the itancan from Lyssa because Star isn't being all he can be three days post deathly illness. Then the whole trip wound up being useless because all they had to do was wrestle in a pond for five seconds and magically Christina and Star are best friends again. Hooray! Let's win the Kentucky Derby!

Only since we all know Thoroughbred is basically just a roller coaster ride through Christina's manic depressive episodes, this is bound to unravel completely. Because everyone around Christina is somewhat competent, professional, and experienced, she starts to lose her shit when they unanimously agree that Star is not on the path to Kentucky Derby immortality. This collective knowledge, of course, does not equal the simple fact that no one knows Star like Christina, a line that Christina mutters to herself at least once every other chapter.

While Christina and Ashleigh are having this unspoken battle of wills, a reporter from the Racing Reporter shows up to ask Christina lots of leading questions like "Is Star a total brat?" and "Are you suffering delusions of grandeur?" Apparently the only way this woman got on the farm is because Ashleigh somehow thought she was saying Daily Racing Form every time the lady told her Racing Reporter, which is the most awful of awful racing publications in the world. Ashleigh doesn't bother to hide her disgust about this lady's employer, right before she abandons her child with a reporter she clearly does not approve of. Nice going, Ashleigh! Another example of shady parenting accomplished.

While the reporter eagerly clamors for gossip about how Star is washed up and a "bad actor," Christina becomes infuriated that anyone could think any of these things about her precious baby. She proceeds to have a literal melt down, and takes her feelings out on the track to prove this reporter wrong. Of course, because Star is a sensitive snowflake, the shit hits the fan and Christina not only delivers the most stunningly awful work in the history of Whitebrook, but because she doesn't use a crop she resorts to smacking her wonder pony around with her hand. During a work. Because when all else fails, hit your panicking mount when you're zig zagging across the track going 35 miles per hour! Awesome thought process, Chris!

So it takes about a chapter and a half for Chris to a) verbally abuse Dani and Star, b) physically abuse Star, and c) receive no punishment except for realizing her own mistakes. Because that in itself is punishment, or something. Christina proceeds to almost fall off of Star before realizing she needs to "join up" with him...although how she does that while she's clinging to his neck is questionable. Nevertheless, it happens.

Armed with proof that Christina is a total nut job, the reporter writes a pathetically childish gossip story that everyone in the country immediately believes. Christina, for about two seconds, thinks this is fine. Let everyone think Star is a has-been! At least the reporters will leave them alone now. And then she gets all pissy when everyone thinks Star is finished.

Sigh. It's so hard being locked in this kid's brain, you guys. I can't even.

Then Ashleigh decides to ship Image to Florida, where Whitebrook has historically dominated for eons. Christina takes it for the slap in the face that it is: Image is Whitebrook's Derby horse...despite the fact that Image is not Whitebrook's in any way, shape or form. Nor has she proven to be Derby caliber, or even interested in racing. Who knows. I certainly don't. Christina goes all bonkers, crashes into depression, and decides to watch Wonder's Derby tape so she can throw it in Ashleigh's face and ask her why she's trampling all over Christina's dreams.

Ashleigh, naturally, takes this to heart and tells Christina about this fabulous place called Louisiana. It's a state! In America! And Christina is all, "Tell me more about this...Louisiana." And then she's immediately turned off because such a newfangled place could never have the competition in Florida. Christina, being passionate about running her horse into the ground, will only accept G2 Derby preps or better. Little, short, dinky races are not acceptable as come back races for Star.

But then Christina hears of the Louisiana Derby, which she supposes will do for her purposes. She attempts to sweet talk her mother into her race selection using bagels, but Ashleigh has experienced an unusual moment of forethought and entered Star before Christina could have a panic attack about it.

Now we enter Christina's manic phase. She's so happy! Star is going to be awesome and prove everyone wrong, especially that evil Racing Reporter lady and all the people she converted to the opinion Christina wanted them all to have. But then she learns that Celtic Mist, the Townsend Acres horse of doom, is racing in the Louisiana Derby, sending Christina crashing into depression...despite getting what she wanted? Didn't she just want to race Star in the Florida Derby against Celtic Mist...? I'm just going to stop trying to follow her thought process. It's way too hard at this point.

So, in New Orleans, a place that does not take itself seriously (which Christina notes disdainfully while telling herself she's taking everything seriously) Christina notes with horror that it is hot, and there is jazz music everywhere, and this place has culture that she refuses to appreciate because she's busy. And then Brad Townsend and Lavinia show up to go through a comic relief sketch only found in movies meant for eight-year-old children. Dani sprays them with a hose, and then Brad steps in manure...only to scrape it off his foot without looking because he's in the Intimidate Christina Using His Persuasive Voice Zone.

Then Christina crashes again, because Celtic Mist is awesome and she should just stop trying. No one believes in her, Parker doesn't want to talk to her because she's deferring college for a year, and no one needs to know that she should be on serious medication. So she calls Ashleigh, who talks her off the ledge. Christina is happy again! And then she crashes again. Then she listens to some random track workers talk about their jobs and she's happy again because if you're going to work on a track, you should at least own a wonder pony. Those poor saps! Christina is living the dream!

And then she wins the damn race like we knew she would and they talk about red roses being better than orchids, the Louisiana Derby flower. Yeah, screw orchids. Roses are awesome.

I could get into a list of points of interest, but I think Claire already covered them here. Plus, there's a lot I find enraging about Lyssa and her stupid itancan philosophy and the superior/anti-fun attitude Christina & Co. have toward everything that I don't think can be contained in this post.

I will be moving on to some book about Parker next, because he's got Olympic issues that take whole books to cover.

Upcoming: The Greening of Whitney Brown

2011-10-19T18:48:00.001-04:00

My one thought: Kris Kristofferson seems to be cornering the girly horse movie genre. That is all.

Upcoming: The Cup

2011-10-17T18:42:00.000-04:00

So this has been out in Australia for all of five seconds, and I have no idea when it's wandering over to the US. Still, it looks promising in a Champions sort of way.

The A Circuit doesn't mean there is no drunken horse jumping. That's a class, right?

2011-08-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

The A Circuit
Georgina Bloomberg/Catherine Hapka
2011

First things first concerning The A Circuit. I know it's trying hard to appeal to the general Gossip Girl set, but let me say now that if you don't know what Ariats are, you will be lost in this book. Just put the book down now, go find some other rich girl clique YA lit and move on with your life. This book assumes first and foremost that the horse obsessed -- hell, the experienced and knowledgeable horse obsessed -- teen girl is its audience. Expect no horsey explanations, because there are none. Therefore, I'm not going to even bother defining Ariats.

Second, this book undermines itself. But wait, let's back up and look at what we're dealing with. We've got three characters:

Tommi: She's a billionaire's daughter and spends most of her time trying to prove that she's a hard worker. She didn't just rise to the top of an insanely expensive sport because her daddy has money! She just wishes people would understand how hard she works because horses are her life and if they, you know, wind up not being her life she'll go to Georgetown or something.

Kate: She's the money poor, determined, worker bee, rise above all challenges character that is required in all horse literature. I actually liked her, even though she's sort of a doormat. Her issue is she doesn't think she's ever good enough, maybe she has OCD, and she's got a crush on the barn womanizer.

Zara: If the two previous characters are cliches, she is the cliche to end them all. The daughter of a rock star and an actress, we're supposed to pick up on her anger and loneliness that drives her complete and intolerable batshit crazy, but mainly I kept thinking batshit! Kill it with fire! Mainly, she makes an ass of herself repeatedly.

So, that's what we've got. There is little plot to speak of outside of Tommi and Kate acting sane and rational within expected horse book standards while Zara is given all the actions of the villain. Unfortunately we're forced to listen to her bitch and moan for at least a fourth of the book because someone decided she should be a main character. This is pretty gutsy, but the author(s) completely failed to realize that characters like Zara need to grow or have some redeeming quality we can latch on to so we don't completely hate them. And I hated Zara. Not because she a) cannot ride (because she can't...wow, she really can't), b) is a completely ridiculous brat prone to literal temper tantrums, and c) actually smokes in the barn. None of those things actually annoy me. What pisses me off is that there are no consequences for this character. None, even as the evidence of her raging stupidity is plain to see in broad daylight and other characters recognize and react negatively. Still, nothing. So when the other characters are whispering about how Zara's going to get kicked out and the trainer is serious and professional and won't take Zara's shit, I eventually react by thinking lies! This book is lying to me, and it's doing a poor job.

Also, the brouhaha leading up to the completely irrational non-ending of this book is ridiculous. For what reason would anyone cover for Zara after she flagrantly and drunkenly injured a virtual stranger's horse? Why are they all not kicking her out on her ass? Oh, because she's a main character. That's why.

I skimmed through Zara's sections to save myself the torture, but Tommi and Kate were passable. The book would have been hugely helped had someone actually knocked Zara around a little bit, because as it stands I felt only frustration and I'm pretty sure that was the driving motivation behind my reading it while scowling and then typing this review at 1am. I won't be reading the rest in this series, which is unfortunate because the author(s) are clearly horse knowledgeable and there is a remarkable and refreshing lack of sappy girl/wonder pony forever friendship love HOORAY BUTTERFLIES. I just don't think I can stand by while Zara inevitably lights the barn on fire and everyone notices but she still doesn't get arrested for arson.

So, yeah. Zara ruined it for me. Sorry, folks!

Also: brand name count! I tallied 22 brands, which is actually far less than I was expecting. The book expends most of them in the first couple of chapters, but someone in this writer duo (or should I just say Catherine Hapka? I mean, we're all thinking it, right?) brought it under control.

And that, you guys, is my first horse book in...yeah, I don't even know. I'll just say "a while" and leave it at that.

Upcoming: more fun in the YA department

2011-08-03T16:40:00.000-04:00

My Favorite Mistake: An A-Circuit Novel
March 13, 2012

Tommi, Zara, and Kate are all elite riders on the A Circuit. Tommi, the billionaire heiress, is training a young horse to prove she can make horses a real career. But when her new beau, Alex, convinces her to skip a horse show to party in the Hamptons, the results could be disastrous. Zara, the celebutante wild child, is finally taking her riding seriously. Until the new “nanny” her dad hires threatens to upstage Zara’s party girl status. Then there’s Kate. She doesn’t have money to burn like the others, but she does have Fitz, the barn’s resident hot guy. But when the pressure of being a working student builds, Kate’s perfectionist tendencies threaten to get in the way of her relationship and her riding.

Note: This is specifically being marketed toward girls who have "outgrown" Canterwood Crest, and as I read that I was appalled. Just how old are these kids now? What the hell is going on? How old is this blog? *cries* Also, as an afterthought, I do have The A-Circuit sitting on my coffee table. I'm prepared to read it while keeping a running tally of how many brands get name dropped per chapter. I'm excited!

The Scorpio Races
October 18, 2011

It happens at the start of every November: the Scorpio Races. Riders attempt to keep hold of their water horses long enough to make it to the finish line. Some riders live. Others die.

At age nineteen, Sean Kendrick is the returning champion. He is a young man of few words, and if he has any fears, he keeps them buried deep, where no one else can see them.

Puck Connolly is different. She never meant to ride in the Scorpio Races. But fate hasn’t given her much of a chance. So she enters the competition — the first girl ever to do so. She is in no way prepared for what is going to happen.

Note: This is a blurb? She's in no way prepared? For what? Conflict? The plot? Well, color me intrigued. Okay, look. I'm not a fan of Shiver. I kind of got a third or a fourth or something into that book and rolled my eyes so hard there was no hope of recovery. Now the author has run off and written some young adult paranormal/dystopia/romance/horse book thing, creating MUCH INTERNAL ANGST because this is like a cocktail of all my guilty pleasures. Thanks a lot, Maggie.

Pam's Bitchy BFF Adventure

2011-08-01T23:22:00.003-04:00

I have no lead in, let's just get right to it, shall we?

Pony Camp vol. 2
Pam's Trail Riding Adventure
by Susan Saunders

The trail can be a scary place to ride...

Everyone at Pony Camp is looking forward to the trail ride - everyone except Pam.

Pam's terrified because her slow, steady horse is hurt, and she has to ride Dandy - the wildest horse in the stable.

Pam needs help from her best friend, Jessie, but Jessie won't help her. She's mad at Pam for being nice to nasty Lisa Harris.

But on the trail, it's Lisa Harris who needs help - and Pam is the only one who can save her. Will Pam be brave enough to rescue Lisa?

Jeez, this synopsis is even more wrong that the first one was. Let us count the ways...

In this book we get a change from Jessie's POV to Pam Werner's. This is not the relief you might be hoping for, as Jessie is still a ginormous beyotch, but we'll get to that. Pam here is not too thrilled with Pony Camp, but being a weak willed thing, she can't say no to Jessie. So in spite of having nightmares about riding runaway horses, she hauls her ass to camp every day, not telling Jessie that she is, in fact, quite nervous around thousand pound animals, because that would make her a total wimp and she would lose her special title of "Jessie's Bitch." Yep.

Anyway, Pam's horse, Gracie, the sleepy chestnut mare, somehow does herself an injury, and has to rest for two weeks. Her replacement is Dandy, who everyone treats like Horse Jesus or something. He's an Arabian show horse and he's- I quote- "the color of coffee ice cream, with a vanilla mane and tail and a white diamond on his forehead."

Lisa Harris happens to walk by and instantly gets all hot for Dandy, trying to bully her way to being his rider. When she finds out Pam will be riding Dandy, she says the best (and by that I mean worst) line she has in the whole trilogy, "What a total waste of excellent horseflesh!" WTF? Who talks like that?

So after an awkward first lesson on Dandy, Pam comes to find out that her mother has invited Lisa's BFF Sally to spend the night. This apparently is the worst thing ever, because Pam is all upset, Jessie gets pissy at Pam, and Lisa is out to get Pam. Wow. Top it all off with news that the camp is going on their first trail ride, it is officially the worst day of Pam's life.

We get more of Jessie being a bitch for a while, because obviously Pam wants to be BFFs with Sally, and everyone knows you can only be friends with Jessie. It is a full. time. job, people. Then... the sleepover.

Pam and Sally both confess to being afraid of horses, and get along pretty well, until the next morning when they arrive at camp and Sally runs back to Lisa. This is apparently all Jessie needs to forgive Pam for her terrible deeds. At least until Lisa shows up and tells Jessie that Pam is scared of horses, and Jessie's a big meanie face for making her be there. Jessie, what else, gets pissy at Pam and storms off. Lisa then informs Pam that Dandy will runaway with her on the trail.

Pam confesses to her instructor, Diana, that she's afraid of horses, and terrified that Dandy will bolt with her on the trail ride. Diana points out the absurdity of the camp buying a runaway and putting a beginner on him, then points out that Pam has gained a lot of confidence around horses since first starting out. She then teaches Pam about horse body language, which somehow makes Pam feel all better. She even grows a pair and tells Lisa to get out of her face, regaining a tiny amount of approval from Jessie. They make up and it's all beautiful and whatnot.

So what happens to Lisa? You know, the synopsis was all, "Will Pam be brave enough to rescue Lisa?" The answer is no. Not that Pam isn't brave enough, it's just that she herself doesn't rescue Lisa from anything. Lisa's horse lays down to roll in the stream, and Lisa's instructor pulls her off her horse before he rolled over on her. And Pam, Jessie, Maxine, and Peter ride away laughing about it. The end.

Things of note:

Jessie is one of the bitchiest characters I've EVER read, and in horse literature that is saying something. We are talking bitchier than Cindy you guys. The only thing worse is how Pam bends over and takes it.

I'm not sure why Peter exists. He did literally nothing in this book, or any of them really. It's a trilogy that focuses of the three girls, Peter doesn't get his own book, he barely gets any story at all.

Two down, one to go...

Canada takes things seriously, okay?

2011-07-24T19:46:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we all make silly choices.

Such as the choice I made last weekend to buy season two of The Adventures of the Black Stallion because it was $5 at Target. And with the remains of my gift card, that made it free. You know, that beautiful word I look for when hunting for horse-themed anything. Free.

Today I popped in a disc and reveled in the cracktasticness of this thoroughly horrible show. Today we will be discussing the episode Almost Home, because Alec and The Black have finished up with their French shenanigans and have decided to head on back to the good 'ol U.S. of A.

Only they are diverted to Canada, where our merry story will take place.

Alec starts off this episode by summing up his time in France. Oh, there was beautiful sightseeing and chances to meet new people, plus lots of fun new challenges like steeplechases and running from people on motorcycles and accidentally setting off a box of grenades that cause magical things like money showers! Ah, those silly, silly French! What a wonderous people!

However, all good things must come to an end, and so our band of heroes accidentally lands in Canada. For some reason, The Black must spend some amount of time in quarantine as they wait for their next flight. The vet at the quarantine center spends his time telling his helper son that he's an idiot, causing him to do pseudo-abusive things like throwing grain at horses. The horror.

Meanwhile, Nicole (French bandit/stable worker) has hidden herself in a pile of shrink wrapped cargo. How she survived is questionable, but she pops out and says, "America! I will find my lost father here, surely!" And Alec says, "Yeah, actually this is Canada. Good job, Nicole." Then he walks off laughing. He's such a great friend.

Over at the quarantine facility, after Alec has yelled that he's not supposed to be here and the vet has helpfully informed him that he is, in fact, here, Julien the stable hand has taken the horses hostage with noise makers and a water gun. This is his domain! Bow to Julien and his party supplies! The Black, of course, immediately attracts his outrage. There's...noise made in the stallion's direction. It was probably shocking and horrible. There was probably glitter involved. Later on, Alec decides to exercise The Black, who takes that moment to attack Julien. Julien dives under a truck and The Black literally tries to crawl underneath it so he can punch the guy in the face with his hoof.

This results in The Black visiting the time out chair (ie, a small wooden box). Alec is appalled and begins to hatch a plan to bust The Black out of a government facility. Julien breaks out his taser, but he's too busy monologuing to The Black about how he feels so powerless and unloved to actually use it before Alec crawls through a window and tackles him. The Black gets out of his time out chair, stomps on Julien, who submits and cries about how he'll never be a vet. No one loves him. He should just be punched in the face!

Alec, after thoroughly kicking the crap out of him, decides that he's above punching Julien in the face. The vet is fired. Julien is helped off by a confused bystander. The Black is probably released from quarantine early, or it's possible that Alec and Nicole ride double on The Black's back, gloriously romping through the Canadian countryside on their way to the border, which we all know no one cared about in the early 90s. I'm sure they rode like the wind.

Hold on to your butts as Jessie Takes the Reins

2011-07-23T22:55:00.005-04:00

Oh my God the Pony Camp trilogy. Just... my. God. Remember those books you read as a kid, the ones you loved but gave away for some reason, leaving them to ferment in your memories until you know you know that book, but can't exactly remember it? These are those books for me. I swear I must have had them damn near memorized at one point, but they hit the table at some garage sale or another. As I was putzing around the interwebs I unintentionally rediscovered them. Of course I HAD to order them. I mean, the nostalgia!!

Pony Camp vol. 1
Jessie Takes the Reins
by Susan Saunders

Will Jessie ever learn how to ride?

Jessie has always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. Now she's going to pony camp to meet the beautiful horse of her dreams. But Ranger isn't what Jessie expected.

He's spotted. He's stubborn. He's short.

And he doesn't like Jessie any more than she likes him!

Jessie wanted to be a great rider overnight. But learning to ride Ranger is really hard. What's worse, snobby Maxine from Jessie's third-grade class is a great rider who thinks she knows everything. Will Jessie need help from bossy Maxine to make her dream come true?

That's a long ass synopsis for a 90 page book, and it's not really all that accurate. Awesome.

So eight year old - I MEAN EIGHT AND A HALF since she mentions it twice on the first page (God it's first person narrative) - Jessie Johnson is a horse fanatic who's going to pony camp (no really?). She's also an idiot, but I'm getting ahead of myself. She's "read every horse book in the library, so I'm an expert on horses."

Jessie and her BFF Pam are off to this day camp where Jessie KNOWS you guys that she's going from beginner to expert in like five minutes, because she knows EVERYTHING about horses. Yep. She has wet dreams over the huge black thoroughbred that will be her magikal steed, named Thunder or something equally cliche.

Anyway, Jessie and Pam and put in a group with a fat boy named Peter, who is fat and messy and has a stupid haircut and eats candy all the time and ISN'T JESSIE'S NARRATIVE A GEM YOU GUYS? As well as Maxine who is neat and tidy and a good student and bad at sports and therefore a huge bitch and Jessie and Pam hate her OMG. Seriously, we get a lot of info about why Maxine is hate worthy. I mean, when Jessie hears Maxine has been taking riding lessons for a few months and is a natural, Jessie nearly shits her pants over how much that CAN'T be true.

So THEN Jessie meets the horse she's been assigned, an Appaloosa named Ranger. And apparently a spotted horse is a world ending situation, because while a black horse or a white horse would be an appropriate mount for little miss bitch, I mean bitch, I MEAN JESSIE - a black and white horse is OMG ugly kill it with fire.

But Ranger has the sense to be unimpressed with Jessie as well, and when Jessie utterly fails at EVERYTHING Jessie declares the HORSE has an attitude problem.

But if there isn't enough drama for you yet, we get introduced to our main antagonists, Kevin and Lisa Harris, and Lisa's BFF Sally. They're pretty much carbon copies of every horse book antagonist EVER. Except they really don't do anything in this book except trash talk. More on that later.

So the first time Jessie get's in the saddle she closes her eyes and lifts into a jump position and Ranger has the GALL to MOVE HIS HEAD A LITTLE BIT WHILE STANDING STILL. Jessie is ill prepared to handle such a wild movement and is pulled out of the saddle and onto his neck. Clearly this horse is out to get her. The first time they try a trot Jessie falls off and demands a new horse because Ranger is horse Satan or something.

So then there's some more smack talking from the Harris siblings that culminates in a swimming race which our "heroes" win. I fail to see the point.

And finally, Jessie happens to see an older rider taking Ranger over some jumps and gets all hot for the horse and decides to keep riding him instead of another horse, which Ranger is no doubt thrilled over. And we are treated to a saccharine ending in which Jessie comes to realize that she IS in fact a beginner. Gasp.

Things of note:

None of our four are typical horse book protagonists. Jessie and Pam are good students who love playing sports of all kinds. Maxine is very neat and tidy. Peter is... um... well, he doesn't really count.

The synopsis led me to believe that Maxine was the antagonist. And Pam and Jessie go on and on about what a bitch she is before she actually shows up in the book. Their proof of her bitchiness is: she's clean, bad at sports, and quiet. From the moment she appears she obviously has low self esteem, tries hard to be nice and helpful, and never comes across as condescending despite the fact that she OBVIOUSLY is a more knowledgeable and experienced rider.

Jessie is a bitch to her own BFF, getting mad at her for asking dumb questions and getting impatient with her for being nervous around horses. OUR HERO YOU ALL.

So obviously this thing doesn't coast on nostalgia, but then again as I read it I was reminded of the fact that I thought Jessie was a know it all bitch even when I myself was a young horse crazy child, so there you go.

War Horse (teaser trailer)

2011-06-29T09:38:00.002-04:00

Firehorse - A review!

2011-05-27T13:37:00.000-04:00

Firehorse
by Diane Lee Wilson
2010

My first horsey read in ages! I had not heard of this book before finding it in a second hand bookshop a few days previously. What a stellar read!

Firehorse focuses on fifteen year-old Rachel, her struggles with her family and their beliefs that a stable is no place for a girl. While Rachel dreams of galloping astride a horse, her father holds her back and insists on her acting as a girl in the 1800s should. Be meek and submissive and cast a good impression for the family's rise up social ladders.

Then The Governor's Girl comes into her life. The Girl is a Firehorse, one of a team of four that pulls the fire engines around Boston. Close to death and badly burned, The Girl is a spirited, willful animal that would prefer to plant a hoof in the head of any human rather than
allow them to help her.

Through The Girl, Rachel learns that she does have a place: as a veterinarian.

Hey, look. I am not a fan of historical fiction but there is something special about this novel. It is more than the healing power of love a la many horse novels out there. *cough* Rachel actually has complex
relationships with her family (and the rather hunky vet) and has her own personal battles to win too.

The writing is fantastic. The plot complex and intriguing. It is so good, in fact, that I cannot be snarky about it. Read it and do not be put off by the setting. Any horse-lover will enjoy this one!

A Vamp in the Stalls - Yea or Nay?

2011-03-31T11:05:00.000-04:00

So...

Strange things are happening on the horse farm. It all started with the arrival of Gato, a little horse from South America. He was sluggish. Extremely sluggish. And under his mane were tiny bite marks. A creepy disease? Jarrod thought there was a vampire bat on the loose and went looking for it. I thought it would be fun, hanging out with Jarrod. But it’s not fun anymore. Jarrod’s getting paler by the day and he’s acting weird. And Tsar, my favorite pony, is sick now, too. What is really going on inside the barn?

I'm thinking I may need to read this.Who else thinks this needs to happen?

New Books

2011-03-21T10:06:00.003-04:00

Dare to Dream
by Valerie Lilian
Pub Date: 3/15/2011

Dreams only lead to disappointment. I've had dreams of finding a family and of having my own horse. Something always goes wrong. Look what happened when I took a ride with those boys. The main reason I went was to see some dumb horses; horses that landed me in the hospital and are soon to land me in that hole they call a home. My dreams are history. If I expect the worst I won't be disappointed. Jan Allen wakes up in the hospital after a drunk-driving accident with high school friends. Although innocent, Jan is no longer wanted by her foster parents and is forced to return to the horrible girl's home upon her recovery. Jan used to live in a dream world, but after twelve years of foster-homes and countless foster families, she's convinced herself that dreams do not come true. When Jan meets Tammy, a competitive horse rider, her life is changed forever. Tammy's elaborate schemes present Jan with her dream horse and a compassionate young cowboy. But Jan's dream becomes a nightmare when she crosses paths with Celia, a jealous and vengeful girl who stops at nothing to see Jan ruined. Dare to dream is an exhilarating story filled with the magic of horses, teenage romance, and the struggles of a young girl who Dared to Dream.

Finding Somewhere
by Joseph Monninger
Pub Date: 11/8/11

Two girls: Best friends Hattie and Delores feel that life in their small New Hampshire town is a dead end.
One horse: Old and about to be put down, Speed gets a reprieve when Hattie and Delores decide to save him.
A road trip: Determined to set Speed free, Hattie and Delores drive him west in search of rangeland. But the road takes some unexpected turns as the girls get their own taste of freedom—and as they confront the reasons they left home.

True Blue
by Jane Smiley
Pub Date: 9/27/11

True Blue is a beauty, a dappled gray, and when Abby gets to take him to her family's ranch, she can hardly believe her luck. The horse needs a home: his owner—a woman brand new to the riding stable--was tragically killed in a car crash and no one has claimed him. Daddy is wary, as always. But Abby is smitten. True Blue is a sweetheart, and whenever Abby calls out, "Blue, Blue, how are you?" he whinnies back.

But sometimes True Blue seems...spooked. He paces, and always seems to be looking for something. Or someone. Abby starts to wonder about True Blue's owner. What was she like? What did she look like? One moonlit night, Abby could swear she hears a whisper in her ear: "He's still my horse." Filled with riding scenes and horse details, this newest middle-grade novel from a Pulitzer Prize-winner offers a mysterious and suspenseful almost-ghost story.

Star Gazer
by Chris Platt
Pub Date: 9/1/11

Thirteen-year-old Jordan McKenzie loves draft horses gentle giants, as they're known in the horse industry. Her favorite is the sweet, dependable Black Percheron, and she hopes that her mom will let her have one someday. But considering they don't own even one animal on the small farm they rent in their new southern Michigan town, that seems very unlikely. Jordan's fortunes change at a local livestock auction. With the help of a Mennonite boy, Jacob Yoder, she and her mom bid on a draft mare who is in danger of being sold to a slaughterhouse. She's thrilled to become the proud owner of a large, two-thousand-pound draft horse named Star Gazer. But Jordan's joy is short-lived when she learns that her new horse, once the winner of many log pulling contests, is lame and depressed due to years of neglect. Furious, Jordan vows to beat Star Gazer's former owner in the state pulling contest at the end of the summer but can she get Star Gazer's health and confidence back?

Winter Pony
by Iain Lawrence
Pub Date: 11/8/11

In the forests of Siberia, in the first years of the 20th century, a white pony runs free with his herd. But his life changes forever when he's captured by men. Years of hard work and cruelty wear him out. When he's chosen to be one of 20 ponies to accompany the Englishman Robert Falcon Scott on his quest to become the first to reach the South Pole, he doesn't know what to expect. But the men of Scott's expedition show him kindness, something he's never known before. They also give him a name—James Pigg. As Scott's team hunkers down in Antarctica, James Pigg finds himself caught up in one of the greatest races of all time. The Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen has suddenly announced that he too means to be first to the Pole. But only one team can triumph, and not everyone can survive—not even the animals.

Flicka: Part Deux

2011-03-08T18:56:00.002-05:00

Flicka 2
2010

Carrie is a big-city teenager whose life is turned upside down when she moves to a horse ranch in Wyoming to live with her father. But everything changes when Carrie meets Flicka, a wild, jet-black mustang who's just as free-spirited and strong-willed as Carrie. The two form a special bond and Carrie opens her heart to her father and a handsome, local boy, but when a jealous rival puts Flicka's life in jeopardy, Carrie must do whatever it takes to save her best friend.

I would just like to point out that I had the option of watching this as an in-flight movie back in July, but I decided not to do that because I was sitting next to someone I did not want to embarrass myself in front of. Probably not because I was watching a really dumb movie, but because I would have started snickering like crazy in public. Sort of like what happened when I watched Twilight over the Atlantic and my friend kept giving me these weird looks when I couldn't contain my laughter.

I wasn't going to do that again. I am an adult, damn it!

So, anyway, eventually Flicka 2 and I were going to wind up crossing paths again. That's just how it is around here. Weirdly enough, this movie has a lot in common with The Wild Stallion, in that a girl from a beat up rust belt city (my adopted hometown of Pittsburgh, conveniently) journeys to Wyoming, experiences culture clash, and winds up falling in love with a semi-wild black horse.

Here is the story: Katy went to vet school and left Flicka behind at her uncle's ranch after her dad wound up selling. That's a life long forever bond for you, Flicka! Carrie (some girl who is like noticeably twenty-six and attempting to be sixteen, which fails on so many levels) is a skater teen committing tame traffic violations in Pittsburgh, only Pittsburgh is too busy to care. After her grandmother goes altzy, the state removes Carrie from grandma's care and ships her to her biological father, Hank, who lives in a land of grass and unpaved roads. Essentially, this is Carrie's hell.

After whining about having to wake up at five o'clock and being forced into eating a hearty breakfast, Carrie quickly realizes her cell phone won't work and then promptly drops it in manure. She also does stupid things like wearing her treasured shoes to muck out stalls, and then complains when she steps in manure. Then she makes remarks about how these ranch hands couldn't handle Pittsburgh! Pittsburgh is, like, so bad ass!

But then, while she's randomly trekking through some field in search of reception for her phone, the majesty of Flicka is bestowed upon her. And this is accompanied by, no lie, petals floating in slow motion through the air. I'm sure there was dramatic music. Girl, meet horse. After this extended love scene, Flicka then saves her from a rattlesnake and gets bitten in the leg for her trouble. I was half expecting Carrie to suck the poison out, but instead the vet is called and Carrie sleeps on Flicka's neck, because that is the appropriate thing to do with one's wonder pony and is totally comfortable!

Now we can take some time out to introduce to you Jake, country singer ranch hand, and Amy, blond arch nemesis from the neighboring farm. Amy is an instant bitch. Jake is adorably incompetent. I was having a hard time deciding who to like more, honestly, so I settled with finding them both boring. For instance:

Carrie: I ride...just not on horses.
Jake: *innocent blank stare*

Come on, Jake. No man I know...not one...would let that lie there. Granted, maybe I know a lot of jerks. That said, I was sorely disappointed in Jake as a character from that point on.

Through a convoluted series of events, Carrie is grounded after she somehow rides Flicka to town so she can skateboard and joy ride by holding onto the tails of other cars, which in Wyoming is a definite crime. Hank goes ballistic and has Flicka moved to Amy's ranch as punishment. But because Flicka is wild at heart she escapes and tears down a fence, which somehow results in Amy's dad demanding that Hank hand over Flicka to serve as Amy's new reining horse. Never you mind about the fact that Flicka is Katy's horse. I mean, who really cares, right? Katy gave up ownership when she abandoned her wonder pony for higher learning! If we give away her horse that will show her!

So that happens. Except Flicka is too scared of camera flashes to be a great reining horse and promptly falls down during a competition. Stereotypically enraged, Amy's dad insists that Flicka be sold to slaughter, because that is where horses who anger easily upset men go. Everyone has a fit about this, and somehow (this is code for I have stopped paying attention) Flicka is broken out of horse jail and, because this is all so logical, Carrie decides it is best to release her back into the wilds from whence she came.

And then like a year later they find Flicka with her new foal, and there is magical horse/girl/foal bonding and I assume Flicka gets to go back to the ranch since surely Amy's dad is through being enraged by now.

God only knows what Katy thinks about all of this. I'm sure it will be a fabulous potential story for Flicka 3: The Reckoning.

The Outside of a Horse

2011-03-06T09:49:00.007-05:00

The Outside of a Horse
by Ginny Rorby
2010

Hannah Gale starts volunteering at a horse stable because she needs a place to escape. Her father has returned from the Iraq war as an amputee with posttraumatic stress disorder, and his nightmares rock the household. At the stable, Hannah comes to love Jack, Super Dee, and Indy; helps bring a rescued mare back from the brink; and witnesses the birth of the filly who steals her heart. Hannah learns more than she ever imagined about horse training, abuse, and rescues, as well as her own capacity for hope. Physical therapy with horses could be the answer to her father's prayers, if only she can get him to try.

I wound up really liking this book. Allow me to explain.

Hannah Gale is a thirteen-year-old kid who has never touched a horse, but she is, without question, horse obsessed and has, without fail, watched every Kentucky Derby with her father since she can remember. She was born the year Sea Hero won, and her dad was born in the year of Secretariat. They talk about horse racing like some people memorize baseball stats. Except for the past year, Hannah's dad has been fighting in Iraq and all she wants is for him to return safe and unharmed. She's not going to get her wish.

When her dad comes back to her, he's missing his leg below the knee and drowns himself in pain medication and alcohol that do little to shut off the nightmares and the flashbacks. Months drag past, and while Hannah's step-mother is edging toward bolting and Hannah is left with more and more responsibility, the only place she can find any peace is at the local barn, where she's fast falling in love with a newborn filly of a rescue Premarin mare.

The family drama is really the heart and soul of the book. It's frustrating and it's not a quick road to recovery, and I know some people will want to slap everyone in the family, but that's just how watching people fight dependence issues and trauma feels. I don't have a lot of patience, but I stuck with these guys to the end.

Points of Note:

- Preachiness. Whenever I hear characters go on and on about the evils of Premarin, horse abuse, inhumane horse slaughter in Mexico, training horses too hard as yearlings, kill buyers, horse hoarding, horse racing in general I start to feel my eyes glaze over. It's a really popular subject, especially in recent years, and this book hits all those subjects pretty hard. Barbaro's story is also thrown in, I guess to serve as an emotional punch to the gut of horse racing.

- What is the solution to the world of equine woe? Parelli! No, I'm not kidding. Parelli is mentioned at least fifty times, if the games or whatever aren't being described in detail. If you're not an advocate of Parelli, steer clear. I ride classical dressage, although I don't find myself caring or even wasting much thought about Parelli, and I wanted to throw this book at a wall after a while. After reading this, you might start thinking that the entire Pacific Northwest subscribes happily to Parelli and that the only way to successfully retrain an abused horse and/or rehabilitate traumatized people is through Parelli. Logically, it's idiotic.

- An adult snapping at the main character to grow the hell up after Hannah begs her (whom she is not related to, I might add) for upwards of $800 in order to buy a horse at an auction and after her father explicitly says no, they can't afford it, over the phone. It was awesome. I wish that happened to every main character in horse fiction.

- The writing is gorgeous. I especially liked the end.

- The horse of her own plot. It is pretty unrealistic, especially concerning what happens to the filly after it belongs to Hannah, considering throughout the book there is concerted effort to describe just how the family is struggling to make ends meet. I don't see how anyone is going to keep a horse when their only real income is disability. Although the author does manage to swing how they can afford to save this horse's life (which seems like a lot of effort for little return, since it's basically stated that the horse probably won't be able to live in the long term), so in the end I give this whole development a pass, but it just barely squeaks by.

All in all, I really liked it. I can't believe I've had it since, um, May of last year and never got around to reading it. Definitely worth the time (unless you loathe Parelli, and then you'll probably just want to set it on fire).

Lord of Misrule

2011-03-04T11:55:00.006-05:00

Lord of Misrule
by Jaimy Gordon
2010

I've been trying to think of a way to discuss this book in an intelligent manner since I received it a few months ago, which, incidentally, is about as long as it took me to finish it. I got stuck about two thirds in, which is usually when I throw up my hands and start screaming, "What did I do to deserve this?! I quit!" and yet this week I buckled down and picked it back up again. So here we are.

There are things that I love about this book. With italics and everything. The ending of the first chapter hooked me. Granted, there are only five chapters in Lord of Misrule, so there were plenty of pages of pondering whether or not I could do this, but I was determined.

The premise is this: Indian Mound Downs is a backwoods racetrack near Wheeling. It is the 1970s, a time period that does well to emphasize just how downtrodden this track is when the likes of Secretariat, Seattle Slew, Affirmed, Alydar, and Ruffian were running around in what is arguably American racing's last great decade. Tommy Hansel and Maggie appear at the track with a group of claimers, hoping to get in quick and cash out faster. Their plans are not exactly going to work out, mainly because Maggie is horse crazy (she's one of those characters, complete with the lack of brush ownership) and the fact that Tommy is simply going crazy. At the track already is a group of various characters, all just barely managing to hack out a living with horses that are old and broke down and keep running because their options are that limited. Gordon does a phenomenal job with the horses in all ways, which was one of the highlights of the book. For me, however, she really sold me on aging groom Medicine Ed and his goofer dust, used only when absolutely necessary since it tends to even the scales in some way. Sure, sprinkling a little bit of it in the stall of a horse you want to win might pay off in the short term, but that horse probably won't live to see the next morning.

Another aspect that I fell in love with was Tommy's sanity. It comes and goes, but he is always written in the second person (heavy-handed, maybe) and that just drives it home. However, for as crazy as he winds up being, he's just fully awesome. In a scary psycho way that the author doesn't shy away from.

But the book did wind up losing me, and it wound up doing that for two reasons: rambling and lack of story. There isn't a lot of story in this book. In fact, what plot there is would probably be more suited to a novella or short story than a full-length novel. It's padded with pages and pages and pages of description and tangents that might have been called character development if I felt they had been headed in that direction. Instead they only seemed to drown out the vibrancy of the characters and left me wanting. There is such a thing as too much, and I think this book hit it over and over again. The plot...while definitely recognizable at the end, was shaky in the beginning. If you're not careful, you can miss it entirely and find yourself wondering just what is going on by the middle of the book.

Also, there are no quotation marks. If that irks you, you'll loathe it. It's my personal opinion that lack of quotation marks works only if you're using your words sparingly. This novel is full to overflowing with words, so it's easy to get lost and forced to start sentences over.

So...all together I'd say that there are moments in this book that I loved. Moments I wish had stretched out and kept hooking me to the end, but unfortunately there were too many long moments of navel-gazing that knocked over my interest. Did I get it back again? Yes. It was just hard getting there.

Upcoming

2011-02-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

The Daughter of Siena
by Marina Fiorato
Release Date: 5/10/2011

Amid the intrigue and danger of 18th-century Italy, a young woman becomes embroiled in romance and treachery with a rider in the Palio, the breathtaking horse race set in Siena....

It’s 1729, and the Palio, a white-knuckle horse race, is soon to be held in the heart of the peerless Tuscan city of Siena. But the beauty and pageantry masks the deadly rivalry that exists among the city’s districts. Each ward, represented by an animal symbol, puts forth a rider to claim the winner’s banner, but the contest turns citizens into tribes and men into beasts—and beautiful, headstrong, young Pia Tolomei is in love with a rider of an opposing ward, an outsider who threatens the shaky balance of intrigue and influence that rules the land.

The Wild Stallion

2011-02-09T21:03:00.001-05:00

The Wild Stallion
2009

Apparently this movie was ready for theatrical release in 2006, but someone realized that it was horrible and therefore shelved it for direct to DVD release in 2009. I'm fairly positive this movie insults the intelligence of eleven-year-old girls everywhere.

It starts off with Hanna talking about the majesty of wild horses and so forth, which naturally degenerates into a love letter to a wild black stallion who is myth, ghost, or possibly a Kentucky Derby winner named Dark Cloud who, for reasons I cannot begin to fathom, escaped a train wreck and somehow wound up in Utah. Why a Kentucky Derby winner was on a train, or near a train, or passing through Utah remains unclear.

But that's not important right now, because Hanna is talking about how she is leaving her Cleveland home for a month to take pictures of wild mustangs in Utah. Her father has some job to do and plans to dump her off with some old flame of his on the way. The old flame is Mattie, who intends to dump Hanna off on the neighbor girl, CJ. CJ is a typical country girl who, randomly enough, is a fan of etymology.

Enter secondary plot line! Morgan, the deputy sheriff, is illegally rounding up wild horses for some guy named Novak. At one point he whips out a .45 automatic, needlessly cocks it, and rides off to round up horses. Everyone's all...whoa. What the hell? Who needs a handgun to round up horses? So we're helpfully informed that Morgan clearly has anger issues and apparently shot six horses after something hit his rage button.

So, Hanna gets dumped at Mattie's ranch. The first thing Mattie does is drag her out to some field and accosts her desire to take pictures of the horses. The horses are special! Just who the hell is she with her camera and her youthful ignorance/vigor or whatever! Mattie wants to see your portfolio! And the thing of it is, Hanna has a portfolio and she just whips it out of her backpack and hands it over for Mattie's criticism, which she gives her unflinchingly. It was amazing. Mattie scoffs at the pictures and says that there's nothing alive in these photos! They are lonely and boring! Explain yourself!

Perhaps not shockingly, all the photos are these glistening black and white urban landscapes that no eleven-year-old would ever appreciate, much less be able to compose or develop. That was hilarious in itself, but then Mattie keeps haranguing Hanna for some deeper meaning for her wild horse picture taking and finally Hanna's like, "DUDE, I just want to take some pictures."

But that's not all. About five minutes later, while sitting on the porch with CJ, Mattie starts in on her secrets that may or may not involve hampering the federal government's attempts to round up the wild horses. And she's all, "NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRETS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS?" Then she finally lets CJ show poor Hanna where her room is.

Eventually CJ and Hanna finally go out to take a look at the horses, during which there's this weird conversation about shooting film versus digital (I cannot believe this is happening) and the black stallion pops out of nowhere. So pictures commence and they run back to tell Mattie about it and she classically overreacts. The stallion is worth more than...every wild horse put together! And all the gold in the world! And every abstract meaning and moral you can apply to the wilderness! Not even that! He's worth more than those things! All of them! Combined! And then she orders Hanna to not develop her film, because lord knows someone is going to see it and run off to catch the stallion because he is this super special.

Meanwhile, two ranch workers are diligently tormenting the ranch cook. I don't know why there was a ranch cook, but I mainly saw their antics as very odd attempts at flirting.

So, Novak decides he wants Morgan to take his 45 automatic and go round up the black stallion. Because his company is testing drugs on wild horses (yes, really) and he'd really like the black stallion to stand as the symbol for this company. I'm pretty sure he didn't get the irony in this, but I'm sure if this had happened in the real world people would be mocking him for his stupidity right about now.

Blah, blah, blah. The girls somewhat tame the black stallion by tying carrots in trees, which is at least a new approach to gentling a wild stallion in five minutes. I'm pretty sure there was a daring rescue at some point...I kind of started zoning out. Then everyone got what was coming to them, the black stallion ran off free and wild, and Hanna's dad came back to ferry her to Cleveland.

The end!

Running Free, aka equine class warfare

2011-01-30T14:24:00.004-05:00

Running Free
1999

Yesterday I discovered that Secretariat was released On Demand and with that they threw about a dozen other horse movies up for grabs. Naturally, I picked the one that would involve the least amount of thinking.

I give you Running Free.

Back in 1914, England was sending horses down to South Africa for their copper mining. Lucky happened to be born on a ship on the way to Africa, then forced to swim to shore. Once on land, they're immediately herded onto a train and shipped to copper mine town which is located somewhere in the desert. So Lucky's been separated from his mom, more or less stops trying during the train trip, and is found in copper mine town by this little boy, who decides to take him to the copper mine town boss's barn. Boy is an orphan and has nothing, so boss basically shrugs and lets him keep the colt so long as the baby doesn't get in the way of Caesar, the Friesian stallion who hates foals without pedigrees, working class horses, and orphans.

At some point, Lucky's mom manages to find her way back to Lucky, only to be beaten up by Caesar specifically because she is "working class." Also, Caesar has a little fit because Lucky and his daughter, Beauty, are cavorting. Caesar apparently has some class issues. Hurt in some unspecified way due to her violent run in with Caesar, Lucky's mom dies and then I guess the Germans come and bomb copper mine town. Everyone jumps on a train and evacuates, leaving the horses to fend for themselves.

So, Caesar takes up roaming about porches while Lucky is forced to take up with an Oryx and a native girl in order to learn how to live in the wild. Then he comes back to copper mine town, finds Beauty, and challenges porch-roaming Caesar to a duel.

Eventually they all become wild horses, Lucky is band leader, and Boy finds him twelve years later so they can have a five minute reunion.

- The whole thing is narrated by Lucky, which turns touching moments stupid, ie Lucky's mom. When she dies, Lucky randomly says, "Mom didn't make it."

- Lucky as a foal is pretty adorable.

- Possibly, my favorite part of this movie was the revelation that Foal!Beauty was played by an animal named Noodle.

- Adult Boy should be about 22. He looks 35.

- I guess this is sort of a fictionalized version of how the South Namib Desert got its wild horse population.

So, in conclusion: trying for Black Beauty in the desert. Missed by quite a large margin.
Kinda dull, mostly predictable, kids will love it, you will not.

Fans of Canterwood Crest, prepare your Kindles...

2011-01-22T09:32:00.001-05:00

Dominate
Novella One
Wellington Prep

Jessica Burkhart is releasing an e-book series under the name Jessica Ashley, co-written with Kate Angelella. Looks like it will be a young adult version of Canterwood Crest, except it will be about Canterwood's evil counterpart: Wellington Prep.

Wellington Prep: home to the notorious Jasmine King. And if you think Jasmine's a mean girl . . . meet the one who taught her everything she knows.

Dare I say this is like a modern version of Caitlin: The Love Trilogy? How awesome could this likely get?

Release date is coming soon. (Remember, Wellington Prep will not be available in print.)

of liberty ponies and poor navigational skills

2010-12-28T15:33:00.001-05:00

Misty of Chincoteague
by Marguerite Henry
1947

On an island off the coasts of Virginia and Maryland lives a centuries-old band of wild ponies. Among them is the most mysterious of all, Phantom, a rarely seen mare that eludes all efforts to capture her--that is, until a young boy and girl lay eyes on her and determine that they can't live without her. The frenzied roundup that follows on the next "Pony Penning Day" does indeed bring Phantom into their lives, in a way they never would have suspected. Phantom would forever be a creature of the wild. But her gentle, loyal colt Misty is another story altogether.

A long time ago, when my sister and I were but annoying tweens, my parents went to Norway for three weeks. Yes, that's right. Norway. Because this was like 1993 and April, clearly they weren't taking us along for the magical adventure. So they tossed our grandparents at us and inadvertently created a lot of cross-generational havoc while they were skipping hand in hand through eight feet of snow...or whatever. This havoc presented itself in a litter of kittens. My sister and I naturally wanted a kitten (or all of them) and knew there was no way in hell our parents were going to allow this, but maybe our grandparents could be persuaded...

Only all of our deviousness failed, because grandparents are never as easily led by children as they seem in fiction. Our children's book learning failed us. I would have to wait until I was in college to get a kitten, who is now my own personal hell beast/serial killer.

Anyway, I relate this story because I feel like Misty of Chincoteague bears a striking similarity to my life in April of 1993. Paul and Maureen have been thrown at the Beebes because their parents are gallivanting around in China (for what seems like five and a half years), only their parents have made a crucial error. The Beebes own horses. Not only do they own horses, they live on Chicoteague island, an island packed with ponies. An island packed with ponies that holds annual pony festivals where they basically give these ponies away to any kid who mows enough lawns during the summer.

There is no way those parents are getting their kids back.

Anyhoo, time for an introduction! Once there was a ship and it sank and all of its men drowned, but most of its adorable ponies lived and celebrated this navigational failure by rolling around in salty grass. Sweet bliss!

Enter The Phantom and Pied Piper many, many years later. Everyone wants The Phantom because she's seemingly the only pony in history who hasn't been rounded up at some point. Paul is determined to capture her, and manages this because she's foolishly just given birth to Misty. Then there is drama. Someone else has purchased The Phantom! Except then that person realizes that their kid really wants the sorrel pony, so Paul and Maureen get The Phantom and Misty anyway. How can you not love conveniently knocked down obstacles?

A year passes. Misty is a brat, The Phantom sulks and beats the fastest pony on earth at the next Pony Penning Day, and then everyone realizes that The Phantom is better off wild...after she breaks free and gallivants off to her band to be with that dastardly Pied Piper. But, they still have Misty, that cute little consolation prize, because she likes to chew on hats and do circus tricks or whatever. Later, she would be taxidermically preserved in the seventies. Hooray!

- Does Grandpa Beebe freak anyone else out, or is it just me?

- I get this huge kick out of "map of the United States" description for The Phantom and Misty and the implication that thems there are "liberty" ponies, and don't you forget it! It's like some miracle that the whole breed was never renamed the Liberty Pony.

Classic, solid children's book. Not much more to say about it. I think I have a sixty-year-old copy of Sea Star floating around somewhere I could try out. Also, maybe Misty's Twilight? How do I own all of these books?

(Review of Lord of Misrule is coming, as I have attained a copy! I just have to, you know, read it first.)

shocked speechless

2010-11-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

So I was in Detroit this weekend when my aunt asks me if I knew the 2010 National Book Award winner. I did not. She seemed surprised and said that it was about horse racing. My reaction was stunned staring and random muttering along the lines of "Whaa? I didn't.... How did that...? Huh?"

Allow me to introduce you to the 2010 National Book Award winner, Lord of Misrule:

At the rock-bottom end of the sport of kings sits the ruthless and often violent world of cheap horse racing, where trainers and jockeys, grooms and hotwalkers, loan sharks and touts all struggle to take an edge, or prove their luck, or just survive. Lord of Misrule follows five characters—scarred and lonely dreamers in the American grain—through a year and four races at Indian Mound Downs, downriver from Wheeling, West Virginia.

Horseman Tommy Hansel has a scheme to rescue his failing stable: He’ll ship four unknown but ready horses to Indian Mound Downs, run them in cheap claiming races at long odds, and then get out fast before anyone notices. The problem is, at this rundown riverfront half-mile racetrack in the Northern Panhandle, everybody notices—veteran groom Medicine Ed, Kidstuff the blacksmith, old lady “gyp” Deucey Gifford, stall superintendent Suitcase Smithers, eventually even the ruled-off “racetrack financier” Two-Tie and the ominous leading trainer, Joe Dale Bigg. But no one bothers to factor in Tommy Hansel’s go-fer girlfriend, Maggie Koderer. Like the beautiful, used-up, tragic horses she comes to love, Maggie has just enough heart to wire everyone’s flagging hopes back to the source of all luck.

I'm going to have to see about this.

Guest Blogger: Author Alison Hart

2010-11-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

By Alison Hart

I write mysteries, suspense and historical fiction, mostly involving horses, all based in reality.

In Shadow Horse and its sequel Whirlwind, Jas must prove that Hugh Robicheaux killed two horses for insurance money. The mystery revolves around true scams that can happen in any sport, but in this case, the high stakes sport of horse showing:

“One of the worst cases of fraud happened in the early 1990’s,” Miss Hahn told Jas. “Some of the top paid riders and wealthiest owners in the business paid a lowlife named Tommy Burns to kill their horses.

“In one case, a horse named Empire was galloped until sweaty. Then he was put in a clean stall and electrocuted. Based on the sweat and clean stall, the vet ruled colic.”

There were worse details in the magazines and articles that I read for research and at the rescue farms I visited, details that turned my stomach. I wisely left many of them out. An author continually makes choices about the amount of research and reality to include. Too little can result in a bland story, too much can make it gruesome.

In my “Racing to Freedom” trilogy (Gabriel’s Horses, Gabriel’s Triumph and Gabriel’s Journey) set during the Civil War, my research sent me to the dark times when African Americans were treated with brutality and disdain. I definitely had to make choices, leaving out graphic incidences of slaves being hung, whipped and sold from their families. However, there was plenty left for a true and gripping tale such as the scene from Gabriel’s Journey, set during the real Battle of Saltville, Virginia:

Hoofbeats thud in the foggy distance. Then angry words drift down the hillside from the cabin of wounded soldiers. “Drag them coloreds outta there!” a gruff voice hollers.

The surgeon’s voice rises in protest, but moments later the report of revolvers echoes through the hills. I startle with each shot.

“Oh my god,” Captain cries out hoarsely. “They’re killing the wounded.”

Private Black’s words flash in my mind like a warning. When those Confederates see our black faces charging them with rifles and bayonets, they’re going to attack us with a vengeance.

I’ve written over sixty books. When people ask me where I get my ideas, I tell them, “Just pick up any newspaper. Or read a history text. Horror, crime and mayhem are everywhere.”

And they make terrific stories.

2011 Upcoming YA Books

2010-11-19T10:22:00.000-05:00

Belladonna
by Mary Finn
June 14, 2011
Young Adult

When Thomas Rose first spots the girl hidden by the roadside, she looks as drab as a lark, with only her red kerchief giving her away. But French Hélène, who goes by "Ling," is no ordinary bird. Tiny Ling enchants Thomas with her wild spirit and tales of a circus where she danced atop her beloved horse, Belladonna. But the horse has been sold, and Ling must fetch her back. Now Thomas’s life as a clever but unschooled wheelwright’s son is about to change. Their search leads to painter George Stubbs, who euthanizes ailing animals in order to study their anatomy. Stubbs draws eerie horses that stride as if they could move out of the paper world into the real one - but he assures his young friends that their horse is safe at a nearby estate. As Ling and Thomas devise a risky plan to recover Belladonna, Stubbs hires Thomas as an apprentice, teaching him to read and write as well. In this fascinating story, Mary Finn incorporates a real eighteenth-century artist into a beautifully imagined tale of adventure and young romance.

The A Circuit
by Catherine Hapka and Georgine Bloomberg
May 24, 2011
Young Adult

The A Circuit is the top of the top when it comes to horse shows. It's a world with its own rules and superprivileged lifestyles. Teens travel the circuit all year, showing horses that cost as much as some homes.
Tommi, Kate, and Zara are all elite competitors on the circuit, but they come from totally different backgrounds. Tommi is a billionaire heiress trying to prove she has real talent (not just deep bank accounts). Kate puts the working in working student—every win has been paid for with hours of cleaning stalls. She's used to the grueling schedule, but Fitz, the barn's resident hot guy, is about to become a major distraction. And then there's Zara. She's the wild child of a famous rockstar, but she's ready to take riding seriously. Can a party girl really change her ways?
Readers who enjoy peeking into the elite world of Gossip Girl or The A-List will feel right at home in this new series with its friendships, drama, and privilege set against the backdrop of competitive horseback riding.

(Okay, this was only a matter of time. In fact, I've been waiting for this to happen only so I can read the book and stare at it in awed fascination.)

Author Interview: Alison Hart

2010-11-17T13:31:00.001-05:00

Today I'm talking to Alison Hart, author of over twenty mysteries and historical novels for children and young adults. The horsey set knows her best as the writer of the acclaimed Shadow Horse and its recent sequel, Whirlwind. Fans of the Thoroughbred series know her as Alice Leonhardt, who penned various volumes during the New Generation including Racing Image, The Bad Luck Filly, Living Legend, and more.

What inspired you to write Shadow Horse?

I am a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) who works with the court system to advocate for abused and neglected children. The pairing of foster teen with a rescue farm seemed like a great story; the insurance scam came after I did research.

What sort of research did you do for Shadow Horse and Whirlwind?

I interviewed a social worker, a probation officer, an insurance agent and a police officer, and visited juvenile court and a rescue farm. I did extensive reading as well.

There was quite a wait for Whirlwind. What went into making the book finally happen?

I honestly don't know what took so long. I was busy writing historical fiction that was doing well for a different publisher. Sales for Shadow Horse were steady but not phenomenal, and in today's market/economy, sales must be phenomenal for a publishing house to request a sequel.

You wrote several books for the Thoroughbred series during its “New Generation.” Which character did you most enjoy writing?

I pretty much created Melanie and Image, so they are the ones I most identify with.

What draws you to writing about horses, particularly for children and young adults?

Horses have been in my life since I was five years old, but horses and humans have been intertwined since as early as 3500 BC when horses were raised for milk and meat in Kazakhstan. (see the fascinating March 2009 article in National Geographic)

Since then, horses have been used (and exploited) by humans in all parts of the world. In America, horses became extinct about 10,000 years ago and were then reintroduced by 16th century Spanish Explorers. That gives me centuries of history to write about. My current books focus on the 1800’s when horses were used for transportation, farming, racing and war --see my historical suspense Gabriel's Horses, Gabriel's Triumph and Gabriel's Journey, Emma's River and Anna's Blizzard--as well as modern-day novels like Taking the Reins, Shadow Horse and Whirlwind.

Do you have any upcoming horse books or other writing projects on the horizon? (Possibly a sequel to Whirlwind, perhaps?)

I'd love to do a sequel to Whirlwind, and have an idea plus a possible title, but again, the sales of Whirlwind have to be phenomenal for Random House to even consider it. In 2011, Risky Chance, book seven in the Horse Diary series, will be published. It's about horse racing during the 1930's. I also have a second American Girl book called Dive Right In, part of their InnerStar U series, which allows readers to choose their own endings. It's not about horses but still fun!

*

My thanks to Alison for taking the time to answer a few questions!

Links:
http://www.alisonhartbooks.com
Whirlwind's Facebook Page - Become a fan!

Shadow Horse & Whirlwind Giveaway Winner!

2010-11-15T22:55:00.002-05:00

Vtgypsy!

Random.org has spoken! Vtgypsy, please e-mail me your address at wbfblog at gmail dot com and I'll drop the books in the mail. As for the rest of you guys, thanks for participating and keep on the look out for future giveaways. I've got lots of random horse books sitting around that are dying to be read and randomly shipped off so other people can join in the hilarity.

Giveaway: Shadow Horse & Whirlwind

2010-11-04T18:19:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Alison Hart, I've got yet another giveaway to announce. One person will win a copy of both Shadow Horse and its sequel, Whirlwind. I know. How fabulous is this?

Shadow Horse

After assaulting the owner of High Meadows Farm, thirteen-year-old Jasmine Schuler must face the inside of a courtroom and juvenile hall.

Jas knows no one will believe her defense--that the man she attacked had poisoned Whirlwind, the mare she loved. Hugh Robicheaux is powerful enough to shift all blame to Jas's grandfather. But Jas refuses to give up. After she is pronounced guilty and put into foster care at a farm for abused animals, she remains determined to prove her charge against Hugh.

The key becomes a scrawny brown gelding she rescues at a horse auction. She's sure Shadow is somehow connected to the mare she lost, but how?

Whirlwind

When thirteen-year-old Jas Schuler found her beloved mare, Whirlwind, dead in her paddock, she thought her heart would break. Now Jas knows the truth.

Whirlwind is alive.

Wealthy horse breeder Hugh Robicheaux faked the mare's death, collected insurance money on her life, then sold her to an unsuspecting buyer. And he's going to get away with his scheme, too. Unless someone can find Whirlwind. And that's exactly what Jas plans to do.

But hunting for Whirlwind is dangerous. Hugh has threatened to destroy everything Jas holds dear unless she stops her search. As she struggles with her desire to find Whirlwind without letting the people she loves get hurt, Jas must ask herself: Is all this worth risking for a horse she may never find?

- Comment to enter.

- One entry per person.

- If you have won a giveaway on this blog, you are still free to add your name to the hat.

- Following the blog, while appreciated, is not required.

- Winner chosen at random via random.org.

Contest runs from November 4 through November 15.

for all those ya horse fiction authors out there...

2010-10-25T22:46:00.000-04:00

Win a critique! Take a look at the contest requirements over here.

the nice, reliable, nice guy in horse books

2010-10-21T11:00:00.002-04:00

Is it weird that I'm starting to think the nice, reliable, nice guy love interest in middle grade horse books is kind of creepy? Going over my posts for just about every middle grade horse book I have ever read for this blog (and the ones that I vaguely remember from yesteryear that I can't be bothered with reading again), the trend is to place the adorable, determined main character who cannot brush her hair and sneers at fashionable jeans with a boy who is two years older than her. Determined main character is always twelve to fourteen when this happens. Nice, reliable boy is always fourteen to sixteen, depending on her age. It's always a two year age difference. Occasionally three, if you count boy age confusion, because he's commonly "fifteen or sixteen." Also, you know, Brad (initially 15) and Ashleigh (initially, um, almost 12). Don't try to tell me that wasn't lust fueled madness. I won't hear it.

For some reason, it didn't bother me until the other day when I stopped everything I was doing and suddenly had to ask my mother if this trend disturbed her.

Her answer was yes. Yes, it does. And then there was a long discussion about developmental differences, because that's what I get for talking to someone who's both a mother of two daughters and in the medical field.

So I started thinking about Chris Platt's Astra. About how this book essentially gives the main character two options: aggravating, immature boy that is the main character's age (13) or nice, reliable, helpful boy (15 or 16). Of course, she's going to choose nice, reliable guy because thirteen-year-old boys are more interested in being self-absorbed, pseudo antagonists who are mean to the girls they like. But would the nice, reliable sixteen-year-old boy be interested in our thirteen-year-old determined girl? Should he be? Shouldn't someone be throwing on the breaks to this relationship? Like, say, a parent? Logically, shouldn't the determined girl be interested in the boy who is her age?

Maybe it's moot because determined horse girls basically act like they're forty by the time they hit puberty. But, it's still something that I find troubling. I open the floor to discussion.

secretariat saves his own movie, because he's that awesome

2010-10-18T16:14:00.001-04:00

Secretariat
2010

You guys, I know. If you still visit this blog, you probably wonder just where I went and if I still read horse books and view horse movies and torture myself endlessly with their varying shades of something we might call "quality."

I would like to sit here and tell you that I have a huge back load of books and movies to review, but I would be lying. The best excuse I can come up with is...I just haven't been trying very hard? Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

Seriously, that and I needed a break. It was glorious.

Now, that said, I did run off and see Secretariat on opening weekend. I have pondered whether or not I liked it since. I never really cared about Penny Chenery, and I can say with some seriousness that I still don't really care about Penny Chenery. Am I a little dismayed that they should have called this movie Chenery: Housewife Turned Inspirational Rogue? Somewhat, yes. Because this movie is basically Chenery: Housewife Turned Inspirational Rogue masquerading as a movie about Secretariat because, as the movie's makers probably figured out well before me, Penny Chenery? Yeah, not so much.

Also, it's a Disney movie. In a way that you'd wish Disney would dial it down a whole, whole lot. I half expected a fairy to come glittering out of nowhere and tap Secretariat with a magic wand emitting golden sparkle showers, that's how Disney this thing is. Diane Lane doesn't know how to converse with people other than to snap at them or give mini speeches about the human condition. It's annoying, and I think if this character existed in real life I would loathe her. I'm pretty sure the real Penny Chenery would loathe her if forced to spend more than ten minutes alone with her. It's just this fake, golden, pasted on smile quality about Diane Lane that drives me absolutely nuts that she uses to the point of absurdity here. It is Disney at its most sentimental mixed with the hippie movement and gospel music.

And then for some reason little of it matters because Secretariat comes prancing along and in one minute of galloping or standing and staring he completely wipes away how annoyed I am with all the sap. Which is amusing to me because the movie spends a good long while making underdogs of the people around Secretariat in order to make Secretariat marketable, totally underestimating the fact that Secretariat, the brilliant animal at the heart of it all, who was so legendary that people didn't know how to make a movie about him, would wind up saving his own movie just by standing there looking awesome.

Secretariat is the pure anti-underdog sports story. People love him because he was amazing, not because he was some little nothing who overcame obstacles and blah blah blah Seabiscuit blah. No one really needed Penny Chenery's story to tell Secretariat's. So, yes, this is my long winded pondering as to why this was the path the film people took.

But whatever. Secretariat. He was awesome. The horses portraying him were fabulous. John Malkovich was amusing as the French-shrieking Lucien Laurin. Do I wish they'd not dumbed down the Belmont Stakes race call? YES, because I cannot fathom why you'd want to do that to the moment that cemented the horse as a superstar. (Two, Four, Six! Ten, twelve, fourteen! I can count, too! All day! It's fabulous and totally stupid!) The gospel music I didn't have a huge problem with, as the movie was really pushing the God's Horse angle. In so doing I think it lost the People's Horse (the crush of interest on anything other than Vietnam or Watergate, which was Secretariat) angle, which arguably was one of the great reasons most people know the name Secretariat over Affirmed or Seattle Slew.

But, well, you can't expect to take a story like Secretariat, plunge it in Disney, and expect to get it all right in an hour and a half. I still enjoyed a lot of it, and I'll watch it again eventually.

Hi, there! I'm every horse book you've ever read.

2010-09-15T20:42:00.002-04:00

Astra
by Chris Platt
2010

I've read a few Chris Platt books, and commented on them accordingly with the loving obsession of a person who has read too many Thoroughbred books and is currently stalking its authors. I know, I have no shame. Willow King, Race the Wind!, Moon Shadow...the only non-Thoroughbred book of hers that I haven't gripped in my freakishly cold fingers is Storm Chaser.

After reading Astra, I'm really wondering about Storm Chaser. In fact, I am going to have to get it soon so I can confirm a rising suspicion.

Thirteen-year-old Lily O'Neil's passion is Arabian horses. Someday she wants to be a great endurance rider like her mother. But a year earlier, after a freak riding accident took her mother's life, Lily's father sold his daughter's beloved pony and forbade her to ride ever again.

When Lily's grandmother comes to live with them, however, she convinces Mr. O'Neil to let Lily clean stalls on the neighboring Arabian ranch, a place her mother had worked--and loved. Lily is ecstatic, especially since she'll be near her mother's favorite horse--Astra. Lily's mother had always believed that Astra had the talent to become a national champion. Her goal was to ride her in the famous Tevis Cup Endurance Race, the toughest horse race in America.

Lily is determined to make her mother's dream come true. But how will she convince her father to let her ride again?

So that's the summary. Endurance riding! What a breath of fresh air! It's not three-day eventing or, god forbid, mustangs. That in itself is great, apart from the endurance factoids that stuck out like sore thumbs. Kind of like when Mary Anderson was inserting random horse racing facts into Thoroughbred, a land where horse racing facts go to die slow, miserable deaths. The problem was in the rest of it.

You know, the horse book part? It was kind of every Chris Platt book she's ever written. Which, of course, is every Thoroughbred book ever written. That in itself isn't really a bad thing. We all know how middle grade horse books work, and they certainly thrive on repetition. We all still read them, regardless of how formulaic it gets. Unfortunately, I was having a hard time understanding how this book is different than Mood Shadow and Willow King, because it is basically the child of those two stories. Chris Platt isn't just repeating the general horse story plot, she's repeating her own plots. Almost down to the letter.

Consider the set up: Lily, Determined Tween Girl, lives down the road from Big Endurance Stable owned by Important Man who is the father of Nice, Respectable Teen Daughter and Annoying Tween Son. Annoying Tween Son is not evil, but he's not all too nice, which makes him a wishy-washy antagonist if not just an Annoying Tween Boy. He reads like he has a crush on Lily and doesn't know how to act appropriately around her, because he's a tween, a boy, and annoying. Lily, because she's a Determined Tween Girl in a horse story, hates him. This is Moon Shadow. Exactly.

Because Lily's mom died during an accident with Astra (we do not know how Astra survived), her father has forbidden her to ride. He sold her pony and cannot talk about horse subjects without breaking down into a rage or some sort of shock. That's good old Thoroughbred.

Rather early on, Astra colics. Lily throws a fit of Determined Girl proportions and refuses to let anyone put the mare down, which results in Important Man handing over Astra's papers in a fit of sentimental insanity. After giving her the papers, he tries to tell her that he's still going to put down Astra if she doesn't improve. Lily realizes that he doesn't have any power to make decisions regarding Astra, and indignantly points that out. The vet basically says, "Um, yeah, what she said."

And thus they are stuck. Astra goes into some colic coma, Lily refuses to let anyone put down the mare, and because Astra is special she recovers. And then she is super mare. And Lily's dad freaks out because they don't have the money to support a horse, so Lily freaks out and continues to pitch a fit until people with means run to her rescue. Important Man will give her a job! Nice Vet will foot the vet bill! See, horse ownership for the financially insecure is possible so long as you know really nice rich people. (This is the lesson I have learned time and time again from horse books. Where were you when I was twelve, rich people?)

Then this sixteen-year-old boy rides up on his black endurance horse and makes Lily feel dirty and embarrassed because she's wearing dumpy jeans and trying to fix a fence by herself. Because he's nice, he stops to help her and Lily is sold. She pines after him for the rest of the book and he kind of pines after her, but nothing is resolved. They're friendly and pine. It's very Willow King.

Then blah blah endurance training blah. Dad has a meltdown and realizes his wrongs, so he lets Lily ride and because she has done good works and Annoying Boy screws up again, she gets to go on and finish well in her endurance race that is not the Tevis Cup. Although, I'm sure they'll do well enough in the unwritten future of this universe.

What I find interesting about Chris Platt's books is that she routinely doesn't let the main characters truly win at anything. This is admirable, because after you read so many Thoroughbred books you're accustomed to some moderate hand-wringing followed by giant trophies. However, along the way Ms. Platt's end result fails to matter because the story has fallen into every other horse plot trap there is and the end could very well be true perfection anyway. The other thing I find interesting is that so far they seem to be variations of the same story. Thoroughbreds, Mustangs, Arabians, Pintos...the core story and characters are still the same. The breeds and names change. The situation and relationships don't.

Despite what I see as a troubling carbon copying going on here, I do like Chris Platt. I mean, I have read every one of Sarah Dessen's novels knowing full well it's a formula. However, it's a tasty, tasty formula. And I don't care. If horse books had better characters, I might not whine as much as I do.

Which brings me to a general point: if middle grade horse books allowed their main characters to have a personality at all I would be remarkably forgiving if the book fell into every horsey plot trap conceived. Instead they are always determined, hard working do-gooders with a narrow-minded viewpoint devoid of humor. They have no hobbies. At all. No aspirations outside of horses. No friends outside of horses. No life outside of horses. And if they were asked to have any of those well-balanced things, they would look down their noses at them as either elite and therefore bad or beneath them and somehow even worse. Also, they weirdly always associate good grooming with snobbery while managing to be insecure about being filthy all the time. This is like a character profile for the genre, and there are few exceptions. It makes my eyes hurt.

So, we'll start slow. Authors, give me a horse story main character who combs her hair and wears nail polish and has one non-horse interest she absolutely loves. (Jessica Burkhart, you are exempt!) I dare you.

That is all.

The Winner of Astra

2010-09-15T19:04:00.001-04:00

The random drawing winner is...

wldhrsjen3!

Come on down and claim your prize. :)

Giveaway: Astra

2010-09-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

Thirteen-year-old Lily O'Neil's passion is Arabian horses. Someday she wants to be a great endurance rider like her mother. But a year earlier, after a freak riding accident took her mother's life, Lily's father sold his daughter's beloved pony and forbade her to ride ever again.

When Lily's grandmother comes to live with them, however, she convinces Mr. O'Neil to let Lily clean stalls on the neighboring Arabian ranch, a place her mother had worked--and loved. Lily is ecstatic, especially since she'll be near her mother's favorite horse--Astra. Lily's mother had always believed that Astra had the talent to become a national champion. Her goal was to ride her in the famous Tevis Cup Endurance Race, the toughest horse race in America.

Lily is determined to make her mother's dream come true. But how will she convince her father to let her ride again?

Giveaway time, kids! I give you Chris Platt's Astra, which was released last week. Comment to be considered. Contest ends 9/15.

War Horse & News

2010-09-03T14:48:00.000-04:00

Somehow I missed that Steven Spielberg was turning War Horse into a movie. Here are set photos. I suppose this means I need to actually read this book?

There are a few horse books on deck for this blog, as well as a ton of planned giveaways, however I am in the middle of a move and new job madness, so please excuse the summer malaise around here. We'll get back to some regularly scheduled programing soon.

Week Three Winner: Blueline Goddess

2010-08-20T14:05:00.000-04:00

Blueline Goddess gets the romance novels! Please send me your address so I can send them out!

More giveaways to come...

Movie: Ruffian

2010-08-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

Ruffian
2007

When I watched this once upon a time, I wasn't a fan. I didn't remember why when I picked it back up. Regardless, I remember being less than impressed. Recently, I watched it again and was vaguely pleased by it...up until I remembered why I didn't like it. Those reasons were less pronounced the second time around, but I'll just list them here for the fun of it.

Basically, they are as follows:

1) The big needle shot. Okay, look. I'm not very squeamish about these sort of things, but for some reason I just find it beyond creepy that they decided to show Ruffian's last moments in such a way. Close up shot of her eye...great. Fine. Close up shot of her eye showing the reflection of the vet looming over her holding a giant needle...kind of reminds me of Frankenstein. Equine Frankenstein! Imagine the horror!

2) You could call this 1975: The Year Bill Nack Became Disillusioned With Racing aka Ruffian. Yes, Bill Nack is a wonderful writer, and he has written many glorious, beautiful things about racing. However, he kind of gets in the way a lot.

3) This movie had a horrible release date. Not that this is something I can logically hold against the movie. Maybe I can hold it against ESPN, but there's something morbidly amusing about ESPN releasing a movie about a famous horse who breaks down in what was one of the most famous American races of the century the year after Barbaro broke down (and mere months after he died) on one of the three days America stops to remember horse racing exists. I mean, why do we even bother trying to get people interested in this sport? Is there a point anymore?

Basically, I just want Secretariat to be much, much better.

Grand Prix

2010-08-09T19:48:00.000-04:00

Essentially, Seo Joo-Hee is a jockey who suffers the breakdown of her favorite horse and must battle through her emotions to return to the track. Woo-Seok plays the romantic male lead who has also suffered heartbreak and finds a kindred spirit in Seo Joo-Hee.

I don't know, you guys. I could potentially love this...

(Thanks to Cinda for pointing this out to me!)

Book Giveaway: Week 3

2010-08-02T20:44:00.001-04:00

This week is dedicated to romance. The titles I've pruned from my collection are as follows:

Who's Cheatin' Who?

Ride a Dark Horse

Who's Cheatin' Who is about tapas and murder and horse racing. I also recall some trust issues mingling with baby daddy problems. Or something. Melodrama is fun, you guys. Just go with it.

Ride a Dark Horse. This is one of those romance novels that involve children. In my history of reading romance novels for this blog, the ones with children are automatically the most insane.

You only need to comment, and your name goes in the hat. Previous winners need not apply. Contest ends 8/9. Winner announced 8/10.

Week Two Winner: Fear Street

2010-08-02T20:14:00.000-04:00

FEAR STREET

You have won the Bonnie books! Send your address to wbfblog at gmail dot com!

Book Giveaway: Week 2

2010-07-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

For week two, I am prepared to offer what I have of the series known as A Horse Called Bonnie. Or whatever. It could conceivably be called something else, like Girl and Dog Rescue Horse From Ghosts and Simultaneously Cure Heartburn/Cause Imminent Peril By Driving Crazy And Other Fabulous Adventures!

It's kind of an insane (or awesome? awesomely insane?) few books. They were just recently republished, but I've got the old school, forty-year-old copies. The books in this batch will be as follows:

A Horse Called Bonnie

Sunbonnet: Filly of the Year

The Betrayal of Bonnie

That's the second, third and fifth books in the five-part series, for those not aware.

So, listen. All three of these books broke my brain in different ways that I don't think I'm ready to really contemplate yet. However, they are fantastic reads. The person who receives these books will be damn well happy they have them as they are presented by plots that will delight and horrify them all at once.

You only need to comment, and your name goes in the hat. Previous winners need not apply. Contest ends August 1st. Winner announced August 2nd.

(Yo, Rebecca: you won the last round. I also need your address.)

Upcoming Books

2010-07-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

The Risen Horse
by Karen Taschek (aka Karen Bentley)
Release Date: September 15

It's 1905 in New Mexico Territory, and John Chavez, a survivor of Victorio's band of Mescalero Apache warriors whom we first met in Horse of Seven Moons, is now an adult with teenage children of his own. Life is difficult on the reservation, and after the death of his beloved wife, John decides to send his daughter, Isabel, to the Indian Industrial boarding school in far-off Carlisle, Pennsylvania, to get a fine education and leave the reservation village. Reluctantly, Isabel agrees to go, although she doesn't want to leave her family or the horses she secretly trains on the reservation.

At first Carlisle is everything Isabel and her father hoped for, but the school is not immune to tragedy, and Isabel must confront her fears of death and loss. She finds new horses to train and love, linking her life and passion to the horse her father is training for her as a special surprise back home. This story of the tribulations of early reservation life that led to the modern-day triumphs of the Mescalero people also offers a rare glimpse at the strengths of education at Carlisle, largely remembered for its flaws.

I am so excited, you guys. (My thoughts on Horse of Seven Moons can be found here.)

Dream of Night

2010-07-24T17:33:00.001-04:00

Dream of Night
by Heather Henson
2010
Reading Level: Ages 9-12

Untamable. Damaged. Angry.

Once full of promise and life, now lost in the shadows of abuse. This is Dream of Night's story--and it is also Shiloh's. One is a Thoroughbred racehorse, the other a twelve-year-old foster child. By chance they both find themselves under the care of Jessalyn DiLima--a final stop for each before the state takes more drastic measures. If this doesn't work out, the girl will be sent to a "residential facility" and the horse to a vet...for euthanizing.

This is their last chance, so why are they both so resistant? And why can't they see that Jess's life is not as easy as it seems? She fosters animals and children like them for a reason--she's a little broken too. And, like Shiloh and Dream of Night, Jess knows what it means to have lost nearly everything you love.

So, I haven't read a horse book since May? Is that even possible? Apparently so. Also seemingly impossible, I have decided to delve back into my black hole of horse books by starting with the most abusetastic of the bunch.

Dream of Night is told from three perspectives. Shiloh, the girl who never came from the best background and wound up getting beaten repeatedly and burned by her mother's boyfriend; Dream of Night, who was a promising racehorse and/or a champion who was plagued with injury before falling off the face of the earth to end up in one of those wildly insane abusive situations; and Jess, who takes them both in and attempts to rehabilitate them.

For most of the book, both Shiloh and Dream of Night make some truly impressive attempts to not be helped. Shiloh's over there writing every curse word she knows on the walls of her closet and ripping Misty of Chincoteague to shreds because it's Jess's favorite book. Night spends all of his time screaming and ripping the blankets Jess has the audacity to put on his hairless body. It's...kind of annoying. I can't decide if this is my experience with horse abuse plots, or because I am the impatient sort. Night didn't bother me as much as Shiloh, as her path toward great enlightenment takes longer while she's being destructive and blindly, belligerently ignorant (which is totally her prerogative, being twelve and all). Jess does come off as even more saintlike for weathering Shiloh's nonstop storm, which is mostly extremely intense even while Shiloh makes some tiny strides toward caring about anything (i.e. Night) outside of how screwed up her immensely screwed up childhood obviously is. Night, predictably, only starts to take some strides toward not being angry at the world when equally angry and messed up Shiloh approaches him out of...I will assume this is a kindred spirits sort of thing?

The book is framed by phone calls. Shiloh's mom doesn't help matters when she keeps finding the phone number for whatever foster family has taken her in, so she can totally confuse Shiloh on the fact that she's not ever going to be a capable mother. And Night's previous owner keeps calling randomly and hanging up, presumably waiting for someone to get on the line and tell him the address of the number he keeps calling. How he got the number and not the address is anyone's guess, but essentially he wants Night back...so he can randomly attack him with chains some more. Great way to convince the courts that you're a responsible horse owner! Sure, it makes no sense, but then no one ever said that abusive situations are ever logical.

The book cheats a little bit and skips forward a year, giving us moderately stable Shiloh and moderately healed Night, because to not see them a little bit progressed past the state in which they spent the vast majority of the book would be too much for pretty much anyone to handle.

- The book is mostly made up of fragments and italics. Horses whinny like this: Rrrhhhraaaa! Which I found kind of hilarious, especially when Night and his former owner have an altercation that was written as Rrrhhraaaa! "Aaaaaaaahhh!" Rrrhhhraaaaa! "Aaaaaaaahhh!" Rrhhhraaaaa!

- Yes, I'm easily amused.

Week One Winner

2010-07-24T14:01:00.000-04:00

The winner of the first giveaway is:

Rebecca

(I celebrate everything with big fonts!)

Rebecca, please supply me with your address. You can e-mail me over at wbfblog (at) gmail (dot) com.

New giveaway will be posted tomorrow. Keep on the look out!

Book Giveaway: Week 1

2010-07-10T14:03:00.000-04:00

You guys, it's come to my attention that I'm hoarding horse books. I know. What was my original rule way back in the day? Don't hoard horse books. I'm hoarding! This is just...horrible. That's what this is.

So I'm putting a stop to it. I've decided to split up the books I've got into somewhat related piles and give them away on (something like) a weekly basis. I've got enough books for six (maybe seven or eight, actually) weeks of giveaways in a row. Yes, I did just say that. It's giveaway summer!

The first giveaway will include the following books:

Yes, Joanna Campbell books. I know what you're thinking. It's probably something like I shouldn't, I really shouldn't, but I WANT them. That's how I felt, too.

How do you enter to win these lovely relics of the '80s? Just leave a comment on the blog! Contest ends 7/23. Winner selected on 7/24, while I'm recovering from jet lag.

In the meantime, I'm going to go read Dream of Night. Really, I am. I'm not lying.

Moondance Alexander

2010-05-30T22:49:00.003-04:00

Moondance Alexander
2007

Surprisingly enough, this isn't a horrible movie.

I know, that's not exactly a glowing first sentence, but it's true! At first glance, it's just another story about a girl and Pinto rising from friendless obscurity to compete against Sasha Cohen, who has inexplicably decided to ride horses instead of figure skate in the Olympics. Random? Possibly!

Moondance (and I will not pick on her name, because theoretically it's just as stupid as the name Crystal) is a lonely kid who has just completed 9th grade. No one will sign her yearbook, because she does not wear skirts and is therefore friendless. Fiona, resident antagonist, sticks her gum on one of the pages after pretending to be nice enough to sign it, leaving it very clear to Moondance that she should just stop trying. Moondance gets the message and bikes her way to the local graveyard so she can cry at her dad's headstone.

She picks herself back up after a rousing speech to herself/her dead father, and goes to her delivery job, where she happens to run into a Pinto she promptly names Checkers and takes to her backyard. She houses Checkers in her mother's art studio/storage shed, but this is short lived, as the horse has to go back to Tumbleweed Stables, from whence it originated. Moondance is crushed, but not in a way that makes me want to roll my eyes and check out of the movie. She's actually not a bad character in that the way she acts doesn't make me want to throw things at the television.

Strangely enough, a portion of this scenario happened to me when I was, like, nine years old. Friend and I were walking through the woods and a horse came plunging out of nowhere, befriended us over the course of several days, and then acted all betrayed when we tried to climb on it. A shoe string may have been involved. Because riding a horse you don't know bareback without saddle and bridle in the middle of the woods without any supervision whatsoever is a FANTASTIC idea. These things happen, people! It's shocking we weren't killed, now that I think about it. But, you know, we were nine. This girl is fourteen. What's her excuse?

Conveniently, she runs into Tumbleweed Stables anyway, strikes up a deal with crotchety Don Johnson, and gets to ride Checkers. Sasha Cohen comes along to point out to her that Pintos are worthless Indian ponies, and saunters off on her warmblood. Whatever. Don Johnson catches her trying to jump Checkers after that, puts a stop to it just to give her an English saddle, and then stalks off to drink in his office. Eventually he decides to help, and there are actually some training scenes involving lunging. COLOR ME SHOCKED.

A competition comes along, practically everyone in town enters it, Sasha Cohen and Moondance have it out, and there are predictable results. There's also more derogatory remarks about Pintos being unsavory in hunter competitions. Pintos and mustangs are cut from the same cloth, apparently.

It's not a bad movie, mainly because whoever plays Moondance manages to not be completely annoying. Except for maybe that scene in the backyard, and during the colic episode (because there is always a colic episode.) Yes, love saves all. Determination and spirit are all it takes. Friends...aren't important? Who needs them! Give possible step-fathers and step-brothers a chance. Antagonists are icky. You don't have to wear skirts and lip gloss to feel okay about yourself. Pintos are FINE horses, too. Thank you very much.

Verdict: Okay horse drama. Maybe not the best use of an hour and a half.

The Whirlwind is not a metaphor.

2010-05-09T17:29:00.001-04:00

Whirlwind
by Alison Hart
Release Date: May 25, 2010
Sequel to Shadow Horse.

When thirteen-year-old Jas Schuler found her beloved mare, Whirlwind, dead in her paddock, she thought her heart would break. Now Jas knows the truth.

Whirlwind is alive.

Wealthy horse breeder Hugh Robicheaux faked the mare's death, collected insurance money on her life, then sold her to an unsuspecting buyer. And he's going to get away with his scheme, too. Unless someone can find Whirlwind. And that's exactly what Jas plans to do.

But hunting for Whirlwind is dangerous. Hugh has threatened to destroy everything Jas holds dear unless she stops her search. As she struggles with her desire to find Whirlwind without letting the people she loves get hurt, Jas must ask herself: Is all this worth risking for a horse she may never find?

I have heard repeatedly about the amazing Shadow Horse, Alison Hart's award nominated horsey mystery. For some reason, I never got around to reading it, even when I knew Whirlwind was right around the corner. After reading this, I'm making Shadow Horse a priority.

Because Whirlwind is pretty awesome.

Two months after the beginning of Shadow Horse, Jas is nearing the end of what is essentially court ordered house arrest. She's pretty obsessed with the idea that Whirlwind might still be alive, and so is the insurance company that Hugh Robicheaux has a history of scamming. Hugh, however, has no intention of being brought down, because people like him "always win." People like Jas have ankle monitors and live in mobile homes, like they're supposed to. Lucky for Jas, she's not about to accept anything that Hugh says, and uses just about every resource around her to marshal interest in finding Whirlwind.

Enter the insurance agency's investigator, M. Baylor. All of a sudden finding Whirlwind stops looking like a crapshoot and more of an actual possibility. Hugh knows it, too, and starts to threaten not only Jas, but Second Chance Farm. Hugh also knows more than he should, leading Jas to suspect there's a spy in their midst, but at a charity case rescue like Second Chance Farm, who could be feeding information to a man they all loathe?

There's illegal search and seizure, sexual tension, and murder.

There's even a hurricane.

It's awesome like that.

What I like about Whirlwind is that it's not just a horse book and it's not just a horse mystery. It's a young adult novel about a girl who's going through a lot, as well as trying to grow up. She's a barely fourteen-year-old kid taking care of her elderly grandfather, navigating a possible romance, and trying to take down the most influential man in town. It sounds like a lot for one girl and a rescue farm to tackle, but it's done with a gritty realism that had me immediately addicted.

Jas isn't a spoiled brat with horse ownership on the brain. She's human. She gets prickly and lashes out (usually at Chase, the boy she's in teenage love with, which never fails to amuse me), and she recognizes the need to apologize (usually to Chase, as it turns out) in order to remain a likable horse girl. And while she mostly lands in serious main character territory, she knows how to apply some humor into her life. She's also (dare I say it?) proactive. Nothing just randomly turns out in Jas's favor that she doesn't work hard for, something I think we can all appreciate.

Plus, she doesn't like Twilight. I mean, that alone is enough.

While this book does have a beautiful and satisfying ending, it leaves plenty of undeveloped plot for another sequel. I'll go ahead and say that I'm expecting this to be a second book in a trilogy. It may take another ten years to see it, but the potential is definitely there. In the meantime, Whirlwind is strong enough to stand on its own.

Overall: Totally worth your money. Go buy it.

Stop Sniffing Horsehair Before Bedtime, It Gives Me Nightmares

2010-05-06T23:35:00.008-04:00

Wildwood Stables
#1: Daring to Dream
by Suzanne Weyn
First printing: March 2010

Taylor Henry loves horses, but her single mom can't afford riding lessons, much less a horse. So when she discovers an abandoned gelding and pony, Taylor is happy just to be around them.

But the rescued animals have nowhere to go, and Taylor is running out of time to find them a good home. Could the empty old barn on Wildwood Lane be the answer? And could Taylor's wildest dream -- of a horse to call her own -- finally be coming true?

You're in luck folks. Not only do I have time to write a review, but this book is practically hot off the printing press. It's barely 2 months old! I found it, and the second book while scoping out the children's paperback shelves at the public library. And they were very (very) quick reads for me. I've read both already. They were ... interesting, to say the least. Might even tempt me into trying to find the next two if I can.

What amuses me is that these babies are so freaking new, there's not even a single review on Amazon.com for them. Maybe I ought to be the first!

So, here we go. It's horselit, really. Your standard story about an adolescent female who has this whole dream about how horses will be the center of her life. (clearly she hasn't discovered boys and sex yet, but since I was never much impressed by the human male myself, I kind of see where this dream thing comes in ... horses give you a better ride -- har har, bad joke, bad joke!) Naturally, we need to throw in adversity of some kind. And an abused horse of course -- it's kind of expected at this point. And who can't forget that bitchy popular enemy. Hate to break it to ya, honey, but if there wasn't a bitchy rival I'd start to worry. But enough yappin', let's get to trashin'. (I kid, I kid.... mostly)

Meet Taylor Henry having this totally orgasmic daydream in the middle of her history/social studies/whatever class. She's totally riding a black Arabian stallion bareback in a field. It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant! I'll even share it later on, and defy you to tell me it's not orgasmic. And then her teacher yells at her, and she (I kid you not) daydreams about falling off this magnificent horse into her chair and desk at school. Weirdo! She needs to stop sniffing Elmer's glue when they do Arts and Crafts.

Speaking of Arts and Crafts, Taylor was totally doodling a horse picture (I'm sooo guilty of this too, I draw horses on almost everything) and her teacher acts kind of impressed and asks her if that's her horse. Which is the perfect chance for her total rival, Plum Mason (who, besides Gwyneth Paltrow names their kid after a fruit?) starts up with a snarky comment which prompts some boy to make a snarky comment to her and the teacher is an ineffective loser who just lets them walk out when the bell rings except he gives Taylor an extra report on the horse being introduced to Ancient Egypt to write. And Taylor runs off because she's going to miss a bus. Oh yay, wouldn't that be fun.

On the bus, Taylor looks at a Dover Saddlery catalog (which is right about the point this book starts dating itself as freaking NEW) and drools over all the expensive stuff because Dover Saddlery's stuff is really expensive (but nice, sometimes... too bad their shipping costs are ridiculous) and talks to her best male friend, Travis Ryan, who is a total comic geek, and we are treated to a trip down Memory Lane about this old cowboy guy named Ralph Westheimer who owned a barn she took lessons at when she was 10 and only recently stopped riding because her parents broke up and her mom was single and poor. And then the bus passes Ross River Ranch where Taylor oogles the horses owns by some rich socialite and tells Travis about dressage and Thoroughbreds as if they're magical butterfly-farting creatures.

Finally the bus comes to a stop, Taylor gets off and starts walking home, but her mom's friend, Claire Black shows up and tells her she has to rescue some abandoned horse and pony in a barn, so off they go to find a horse and pony abandoned by a divorced couple over a week ago and the horse promptly tries to brain her. He's of course, freaking black (what is it about black horses, what? why can't they be a normal average bay?) This black horse tries to kill her, and we go through a whole monologue about some other abused (naturally) horse that didn't like people who wore cowboy hats because her other trainer had been a evil cruel cowboy-hat-wearer, and thus Taylor takes off her baseball cap and the horse suddenly turns into a puddle of goo who tries to eat her hair. Oh yay, you just know how this is going to turn out.

So some guy comes with a trailer, but because Ralph Westheimer got new horses, and is trying to make room for boarders (because apparently fewer kids are taking lessons because of this very real-life economy) and thus has no room, they take the horse and pony back to Claire's house, build some run-in shed out of tarp, and Taylor's mom shows up to take her home. Which of course is the perfect chance for Taylor to outright beg her mom to keep the horse named Albert and the pony named Pixie. Naturally, her mother, being poor, says no and Taylor throws a hissy fit.

This doesn't stop her from going to Claire's the next morning and freaking riding Albert bareback and without tack, and one of Claire's neighbors gets a stick up her butt and calls the police about the horses in the yard. So now they have to go somewhere or the sheriff will have to sell them at auction. And of course, auctions are bad juju. At school, Plum actually talks to Taylor because she wants Claire's phone number to get the horse, and Taylor tells many lies to avoid telling her because Plum is apparently a horse killer. (She's the rival, so she has to be bad, and she has to be so bad that it would be awful for her to own Albert.) Taylor does poorly on her report on horses and Egypt, and her teacher tells her about this old broken down abandoned stable he used to ride at.

After school, Taylor goes to beg her dad who apparently doesn't pay child support, for money and he says no dice, but he also talks about that broken down barn, and Taylor decides to go check it out. It's a dump, totally dead rotted old dump, but she figures a stall is a stall, and goes to get Albert and Trixie and bring them there in the dark. And when she gets there, someone shines a light in her face because apparently the place isn't deserted after all. The person is Mrs. LeFluer and she just apparently became the owner of the place even through that rich socialite chick, Mrs. Ross was trying to buy it. Taylor convinces Mrs. LeFluer to open up the barn again, Claire and Taylor's mom show up, and Claire decides that because Albert and Pixie's old owners are giving her ownership papers, she'll just give them to Taylor. So hoo rah, Taylor has a horse even though she's dead broke and can't work because she's only 13. Except maybe Mr.s LeFluer can use them or something, in exchange for board. Yay, everyone's happy.

So Wildwood Stables gets all fixed up and jazz, Mrs. LeFluer is burning through her bank account like wildfire, a girl named Daphne Chang is the "riding instructor", some chick named Mercedes Gonzalez shows up and is the Junior Barn Manager and she proceeds to be a bitch to Taylor who doesn't tell her that Albert doesn't like people with baseball caps (so freaking juvenile) and then they finally make up and traa la la la. They try and use Albert to give a riding lesson, but he only wants Taylor to ride him. Plum's mother calls Mrs. LeFluer and tries to lease Albert. Travis shows up with tools. Yeah, and then they have to fix up the old stables and stuff. And that's probably the second book right there. So, eh, to be continued.

Random Quotes:

Taylor Henry rode bareback across the cornflower-strewn field of tall grass on a glistening Arabian stallion. Clutching the creature's glossy black mane, she leaned forward, gripping with her knees and thigh muscles, in a smooth rhythm with the ebony horse beneath her. (orgasmic, I tell you, orgasmic!)

Random Thoughts:

I hate the people names in this book. They suck. I mean, Taylor Henry. Travis Ryan? Jake Richards. All sucky boring painful names. Don't even get me started on Plum Mason. No, just no.
Daphne's horse, Mandy, is "mostly a barb with a little quarter horse blood in her too" -- uh huh. That doesn't make a lick of sense once I got to the second book. But that's for the second book.

So there we have it. Standard fare for your average teenage-level horse book. Brand spanking new series. Oh bully!

Secretariat!

2010-04-28T21:09:00.004-04:00

YOU GUYS IT LOOKS GOOD.

Kentucky Derby Reading List

2010-04-28T08:49:00.003-04:00

The first lady of Kentucky has a Kentucky Derby reading list of ten books, and Thoroughbred, by some weird turn of fate, is named twice. It appears she is a Thoroughbred fan, because I still can't really figure out why The Horse of Her Dreams is on this list otherwise.

The List:
1. B Is For Bluegrass: A Kentucky Alphabet, Mary Ann McCabe Riehle
2. Perfect Timing: How Isaac Murphy Became one of the World's Greatest Jockeys
3. Little Freddie at the Kentucky Derby, Kathryn Cocquyt
4. The Horse of Her Dreams (Thoroughbred Series #24), Joanna Campbell
5. A Horse Called Wonder (Thoroughbred Series #1), Joanna Campbell
6. A Horse Named Seabiscuit, Mark Dubowski
7. Man O’ War: Best Racehorse Ever, Jennifer Guess McKerley
8. Skipingo Home, Jane Lyon and Karen Bailey
9. The Black Stallion, Walter Farley
10. National Velvet, Enid Bagnold

Source.

Child endangerment camp!

2010-04-14T22:57:00.005-04:00

Horse Mad Series
Vol. 3: Horse Mad Academy
By Kathy Helidoniotis
Published in US: Mar. 1, 2009

Ashleigh and her horse, Honey, face their fears together in a new adventure.

Ashleigh Miller is starting a course at the Waratah Grove Riding Academy, one of the best riding academies in the country. It seems like a dream come true until she realizes there is more to this school than she bargained for. Getting through an exhausting riding schedule, training with the best junior riders in Australia, struggling with a horse who won't do dressage routines and competing for a chance to ride at the nationals all have Ashleigh thinking life in Shady Creek with the Creepketeers was a breeze.

But those aren't Ashleigh's only worries. She's beginning to unravel the mysterious past of her horse, Honey, and wonders if she can ever renew Honey's spirit. To top it all off, her new baby brother or sister is on the way at home, there's something fishy going on inside Roycroft Cabin and Ashleigh has to figure out a way to survive four weeks without her two best friends.

Ashleigh and Honey take on an exciting four weeks they won't soon forget.

Last time Ash had just won a trip to Waratah Grove Riding Academy, and found out her Mum was pregnant. This book sees Ash at said Academy, where all is magical and good. She stands in the parking lot for a while bemoaning her pregnant mom drama and getting all hot for a silver horse someone else is unloading from their trailer. She meets Mrs. Strickland, the boss, and gets thoroughly embarrassed by her parents at lunch before they leave.

She then makes friends with some girl named Brooke. It’s very important that you know that Brooke is wearing make-up, with painted nails, chews gum in an obnoxious manner, and says “like” in every sentence. This means she’s evil, but Ash is not genre savvy, so she doesn’t pick up on it.

Juliette, some other obnoxious girl who only repeats what Brooke says, and Ash are assigned to the Roycroft cabin with three other girls. Ash dubs Brooke, Juliette, and herself the Three (goddammit) Groveketeers. They meet their cabin leader, an older girl named Kylie who’s a big name rider.

The cabin mates and their horses are:
Brooke - Angel (the grey Ash drooled over)
Tash - Silverado
Molly - Rebel
Juliette - Storm
Ash (duh) - Honey
Lena - Biscuit

Brooke and Tash hate each other and Brooke warns Ash to stay away from her. Lena, the youngest in the cabin, is a bit of a crybaby, but she is only eight. Molly is a vegetarian.

Everyone gets their schedules, which are totally hardcore, are told the requirements to graduate from the camp, get homework assigned, and hear about the Waratah Grove Cup, a trophy that is rarely awarded, and only to a rider who proves themselves worthy. Ash vows to win it.

At Ash’s first Dressage lesson she gets chewed for showing up not dressed appropriately, after Brooke had said she looked fine. Brooke is the queen of passive-aggressive warfare.

Honey refuses to enter the arena, then freaks half way through a routine, tosses Ash and makes a run for it.. Ash gets back on, finishes her test, and feels pretty good about it until Brooke suggests that maybe she can’t handle a mare, and should get an easier gelding.

At the show jumping lesson, Brooke is a smart ass who makes sure everyone knows she’s a B-grade jumper, and bullies her mare. Ash jumps clean. Of course she does.

Tash has a picture of her little sister that someone cuts up into tiny pieces and then frames Ash for. Brooke tells Ash that they can’t be friends anymore, leaving Ash completely isolated. Brooke then begins open bitchiness.

Ash rocks the cross-country practice, and her next dressage lesson starts off well until she starts Honey in the arena where someone starts ringing a bell until Honey spooks. The instructor bans her from the dressage ring.

Molly and Tash help Ash eavesdrop on Brooke, who dun dun dun… is Carly’s cousin! The newly formed trio plot revenge. They steal her clothes and blackmail her with a warning that they’ll tell on her or some such.

Tash tries to help Ash with dressage, but Honey still acts like a butt. So they decide to train in the woods. Awesome. Honey randomly does a flying lead change and Tash gets all hot over her. Honey must be a dressage horse! So it’s to the library where they do a search on Honey, formally called Argonaut. They discover that Honey’s last owner had whipped her across the head repeatedly after a poor dressage score. Ash discovers a scar that she’d never noticed before behind Honey’s ear.

She goes to see Mrs. Strickland, who gives her a bullshit, “I knew but couldn’t tell you because you needed to learn it for yourself” talk. WTF? The adults in these book are morons.

Brooke keeps up the bitchiness, Ash is awesome at the show jumping, Tash reveals that her mum died and she takes care of her little sister. They keep practicing dressage until Ash is finally allowed back into the arena. Honey does the simple beginners course, but Ash feels the need to be a show off, and throws in some fancier moves, which earns her a bitching out from the instructor, who somehow manages to spook Honey, who chucks Ash into the wall.

The camp intends to send Ash home until Lena suggests that they teach Honey to park. Ash, Tash, and Molly argue, Honey refuses to park, Ash does bad in her last jumping lesson, she does good in her last cross country lesson, she’s still banned from dressage, then finally Honey learns to park and that makes everything better. Ash gets the okay to take the dressage test, Mrs. Strickland gets all proud, Ash gets all nervous over the test until Lena points out that, hey, it’s only horse riding. Genius!

Brooke and Ash make a bet that whoever gets the worst final score will refuse to have their name put on the Honour Board. At Ash’s dressage test, aside from a few little mistakes, everything goes fine. Ash makes up with Molly and Tash. In the show jumping, Ash gets a few faults. After some freaking out, Ash rides the cross country perfectly.

Ash gets to graduate, she gets more points than Brooke, who promptly forgets their bet, and Molly gets the Waratah Grove Cup for some reason. Ash goes home and her parents tell her about a new riding school opening up in Shady Creek looking for riders to come work for them. End.

God… What can I say? That the person in charge knew why Honey was acting like a nutcase, and didn’t say anything blew my mind. That Brooke was a villain in a book with enough to overcome without needing a villain, was ridiculous. And of course, the antagonist has to be abusive to her horse. That Ash, through stupid luck and actual hard work, fixed her batshit crazy horse with no help from the adults and didn’t get that super special trophy was anticlimactic. Would it have been cliché? Yeah. But it would have made sense. Molly did nothing of real interest, nothing to deserve the thing. Unless they’re handing out trophies to people for being Ash’s friend, but then Tash and Lena deserved one as well.

BTW, I noticed something about the cover. The pic above I got off of Amazon. The rider kinda looks like she's about to sneeze, the horse is obviously a bay, and has no blaze. My book's cover is exactly the same picture, except the rider is smiling, the horse is still bay, but the color has been lightened. It's still a bay, because it still has black points, but it's body is comparable to a chestnut horse. It also is sporting a blaze. I have to give them props for trying to make the horses on all the covers look like the same horse, but it's pretty easy to find chestnut horses. You don't have to photo manipulate a bay to make a fake chestnut horse. It's just weird.

So much PMSing...

2010-04-11T11:45:00.005-04:00

Horse Mad Series
Vol. 2: Horse Mad Summer
By Kathy Helidoniotis
Published in US: Aug. 15, 2008

Join horse-crazy Ashleigh and her new horse, Honey, for their latest adventure.

Ashleigh Miller has just moved to the town of Shady Creek with her family. The best thing about leaving the city has been getting her new horse, Honey, and making a new best friend, Becky. But Ashleigh really misses the friends she left behind in the city, especially her other best friend, Jenna.

When Ashleigh finds out that Jenna is coming to spend the summer with her for a horse mad holiday, it sounds like the best news ever. She can't wait for her two best friends to meet. But when Jenna arrives, she doesn't get along with Becky. Ashleigh feels caught in the middle. Will the three girls be able to get past their differences and have the horse-crazy holiday that Ashleigh was hoping for?

Find out what happens to Ashleigh, Becky and Jenna in their first horse mad summer together.

I tore the last book a new one. This book doesn’t fair much better. At the Shady Creek Riding Club, Ash’s instructor Gary tells the group that the Waratah Grove Junior Cross-Country Riding Championships are coming up. The prize for which is $1000 dollars and a four week stay at Waratah Grove Riding Academy, a super swanky school. I don’t think I’ll spoil it for you by saying that Ash is going to win, but of course there must be a whole lot of wangst to get there. So let’s see what we got.

Only two riders per age group from each zone get to compete. The Club will sponsor any members who makes it in, so everyone has to think up fundraisers. Ash, having schemed for money all of the last book, is not thrilled with that, but is all sorts of excited that her BFF Jenna will be visiting for a month soon.

Becky and Ash decide to clean, paint, and decorate old horseshoes to sell as Christmas ornaments. (Side Note: Keep in mind that summer in Australia is in December. Simple, but I spent half the book being confused as Hell until I remembered.)

Ash tries to practice cross country, one of the (sigh) Creepketeers, Flea, spooks Honey and Ash falls off. Doing something like that is dangerous for the horse, so I didn’t get the chuckle out of it that I might have otherwise. But of course, Ash gets back on, does the jump, and is all around wonderful. Yay…

Ash is so in love with Jenna that it’s all she talks about. Becky gets annoyed, I get creeped out. Ash is oblivious to both. During her first ride over the cross country course, she’s totally awesome and everyone amazed. She realized that she wants to beat everyone, including Becky. She angsts over this.

Anywho, at the try-outs Ash has a clean round until the last jump, where she freaks out and causes Honey to refuse. Because of that, Carly, one of the (sigh) Creepketeers, and Becky are the two to go to the Championships.

Ash tags along on Carly and Becky’s training session. Both riders get caught up in competing and ride aggressively, earning a bitch out by Gary.

After Christmas, Jenna finally arrives. Ash bullies her about riding Cassata, Jenna is less than thrilled. Then Jenna and Becky meet, and Ash is disappointed that they don’t fall in love with each other. Jenna tells Ash that her parents are getting divorced, and she has to keep it a secret from Becky.

Jenna has her first riding lesson, Ash doesn’t train with Becky because she thinks she should stay with Jenna, after the lesson Jenna acts like a wuss because she’s saddle sore, Becky, Ash, and Jenna go swimming in the creek, Ash and Jenna act like lovers and it hurts Becky’s feeling. Then Ash blows Becky off about training to take Jenna around town. God, so dramatic.

Ash manages to tell Becky that she’s keeping a secret from her, a secret she refuses to reveal. Becky’s feeling are hurt some more. Fail, Ash. Then she bullies Jenna some more about riding, and Jenna is obviously scared, until her father tells her to knock it off.

More fundraising. Jenna has an idea to have a dance party, Flea of all people thinks it’s a great idea. The party is on and the theme is horses (duh).

Ash organizes a sleepover with Becky and Jenna. They kind of get along, go on a trail ride, until in the morning Becky discovers that the horses have gotten out of the corral. Jenna was the one to close the gate. Becky yells at Jenna, Ash sticks up for Jenna, Becky cries, Jenna cries, they find the horses, Becky goes home. God, so much more dramatic.

The dance happens and Jenna and Becky still hate each other. Ash notices that Becky’s eyes had lost the sparkle that she loved so much. I’m not kidding. The dance is a big hit, but Ash is scared that she’s losing Becky.

The three go trail riding, it turns into another emo fest, everyone cries, Becky breaks up with Ash because “three’s a crowd.” She canters off leaving Ash and Jenna. Then the forest catches fire! Then they find Becky, who fell off Charlie, twisted her ankle, and broke her arm. Ash gets her up on Cassata with Jenna and tells them to get out while she finds Charlie. She does and the day is saved. Wow.

Becky, Jenna, and Ash all decide they love each other. Because Becky can’t ride, Ash gets to ride in the Championships. She trains, the (sigh) Creepketeers try to mess with her. She goes to the Championship, rides a perfect ride, Carly gets disqualified for overuse of the whip, and Ash wins first place, a big honking trophy, $1000, the stay at Waratah Grove Riding Academy, and the love and admiration of the whole stinking world. Yay.

In the end, Jenna goes home and Ash’s parents tell her that they're expecting a baby. Ash asks if she can name it Jenna or Rebecca. The end.

God, this book. It’s almost ridiculous enough to be entertaining. As I’ve mentioned, Ash loves her friends to an unhealthy degree. I stopped caring long before the book was over. The horse related segments were somewhat few and far between, but were fairly solid. Soooo.. Ashleigh Miller vs. Ashleigh Griffen round 2... GO!

A Star Discovered Is Totally Being Cliche Put Him Back

2010-04-04T01:51:00.004-04:00

Lucky Foot Stable #3: A Star Discovered

JoAnn S. Dawson

2008

LIFE AT LUCKY Foot Stable has settled into a comfortable routine for epic friends Mary and Jody and all their horses, especially as they are working hard to train Star for his very first horse show.

But a menacing threat from a mysterious stranger may destroy their perfect world, unless Willie can save the day.

Hey folks. Apparently my last book review was back in July of 2008. I’ve either been slacking off here, or my life has been crazy insane. I’m working full time (gotta pay for that pony after all!) and riding every day that I can to get the golden boy in shape for this summer’s trail riding. Also, I’m hoping to try a Competitive Trail Ride this year, if I can. So it’s understandable that I haven’t written a review in a dog’s age.

But I picked up this book at the library – I needed a quick read or I was gonna go nuts on the bus. Postal, people, postal! And it’s singularly horrifying, and really deserves a good lambasting. So here it is, my first review in a dog’s age.

This is book 3 in a series, so I’m probably starting off on the wrong foot by totally skipping the first two books, which were not on the juvenile fiction paperback shelf, but honestly, given how this book seems willing to rehash everything that happened previously. So it’s not much of a loss.

Anyway, there’s this dairy farm, and there’s this old farmhand guy named Willie who is apparently really really pissed off that his boss is hiring someone else to do all the heavy work because Willie should be able to work himself into an early grave, damn it. But to make matters worse, there’s these two girls who board their horses at the farm, and they’re being whiny little babies about how this yearling colt named Star won’t square up for some halter show that’s 2 months down the road. So Old Willie growls at them, and stomps off to leave Mary and Jody flabbergasted before they see a dog and their yearling playing with a riding crop and see a beat-up old pickup truck with like junk and shit on it (just think Great Depression Era, folks) pull up, and Willie yells at them some more.

So Mary and Jody go see the dairy farmer’s wife, and she gives them HOT tea (gee, this lady doesn’t know weather, huh?) and starts talking about how Willie is old and stuff so he’s getting some help, and why don’t they ask Willie to help them with Star. And blah blah blah.

And there’s this other girl named Annie, and she’s sort of migrant-worker-trailer-trash, but she charms Mary’s horse, Gypsy and walks out of the stable which sort of puts a damper on Jody and Mary’s mood so they work with Star, and get into a tugging war with him when Willie shows up and lectures them.

And then fast forward like 2 months here, because they’re trying to load Star, and Willie helps them load him into the back of a pickup truck (I know of a guy who hauls a horse in a pickup) and they feed Star some grain because horses are happy eating and know they get good things in trailers. But Jody is a dumbass and the two girls take the back off the pickup without, you know, putting the freaking lead rope on and the colt gets away and runs off, and Annie catches him and walks him around with a dog leash of all things. Jody and Mary think Star needs grass, so they tie him up to a fucking harrow (I nearly shat my pants at this point … who the fuck are these moron girls?) and Mary thinks they can leave him there overnight. So is it any surprise that the poor pony gets himself wrapped up in the stupid rope and falls down? NO SHIT SHERLOCK! God, and to think they left him eating grass. Like Willie said, they were damn lucky he didn’t founder. So luckily, Star is ok and stuff, and then Willie says they need to pull his mane. And from Jody’s reaction you’d think he was telling her to kick a puppy dog. Stupid girl.

So the colt gets a bath, and they take him to this show and Jody has to mention that the colt’s name is Star of Wonder and he’s foaled on Christmas Eve (Of course he issss) and how they don’t know his sire. And he gets third place. But oh look, there’s a glaring man looking mysterious. And he comes over and starts playing 20 Questions with Willie. And Star wins his next class. Bully for him. And the mysterious man is even more angry and mysterious.

As it turns out, the mysterious man has every right to be angry. We’re told that the two girls, Mary and Jody, took Lady, one of their ponies, to a show and she got knocked up by this stallion and they decided to keep super hush-hush about it. And it’s an expensive champion stallion, and Mr. Mysterious wants his freaking stud fee. Of course, naturally, to two crying little tweenie girls like Jody and Mary, he’s a “horrible” man, but Willie does set their parents straight that he’s not horrible; he just wants to like, be paid for the fact that his stallion’s sperm made Star. But at least Mr. Mysterious is decent enough to let them maybe pay for the stud fee.

But this story’s starting to bore me at this point, because the next day the girls all feel sorry for themselves and Mrs. McMurry, the dairy farmer’s wife says they can earn money by helping prep dead chickens (Only these girls are like city slickers because they think they’re putting clothes on the birds) and Jimmy, Annie’s brother basically calls their shit so now Jody and Mary both grow a pair and pluck feathers off dead birds even though they were going to be sick. And then the next day some guy from a movie set shows up, and there’s going to be a movie, and it turns out Willie was this head wrangler-stunt-guy and they want him to be in charge and somehow Mary and Jody get to be extras in the movie. And Willie is a generous guy and says he’ll pay the stud fee, and everyone lives happily ever after, the end.

This book made me see red, really. It’s so damn cliché and shit. And the stupidity of Jody and Mary made me want to throttle them. But I guess it’s like a review or something. Maybe a review that people ought to stay away. For something that claims to be part of an award-winning series, it’s pretty lame. Maybe 2008 was a shitty year in publishing.

2010 Upcoming Books

2010-04-03T20:28:00.011-04:00

A Good Horse
Jane Smiley
Oct. 26
Sequel to The Georges and the Jewels

When eighth grader Abby Lovitt looks out at those pure-gold rolling hills, she knows there’s no place she’d rather be than her family’s ranch—even with all the hard work of tending to nine horses. But some chores are no work at all, like grooming young Jack. At eight months, his rough foal coat has shed out, leaving a smooth, rich silk, like chocolate. As for Black George, such a good horse, it turns out he’s a natural jumper. When he and Abby clear four feet easy as pie, heads start to turn at the ring—buyers’ heads—and Abby knows Daddy won’t turn down a good offer.

Then a letter arrives from a private investigator, and suddenly Abby stands to lose not one horse but two. The letter states that Jack’s mare may have been sold to the Lovitts as stolen goods. A mystery unfolds, more surprising than Abby could ever expect. Will she lose her beloved Jack to his rightful owners?

The Outside of a Horse
by Ginny Rorby
May 13

The stories Hannah Gale's father told her of breaking wild horses in Nevada one glorious summer when he was her age have captured her imagination. After her dad is called up to fight in Iraq, she regularly stops to watch the horses at the nearby stable to feel closer to him, and finally gathers the nerve to ask the owner for a job. There, she helps bring a rescued mare back from the brink, takes her first riding lesson, and witnesses the birth of the filly who steals her heart.

Hannah believes the worst is over when her dad returns from war, but soon she realizes her family's fight is only just beginning. When his nightmares rock the household, it is the horses Hannah turns to for comfort. Can the horses help her teach her dad the same lessons of survival and hope they've taught her?

Based on a patchwork of true stories, this is a heartbreaking story about rehabilitative power of animals and the depth of the human capacity for hope.

Whirlwind
by Alison Hart
May 25
Sequel to Shadow Horse

When thirteen-year-old Jas Schuler found her beloved mare Whirlwind dead in her padlock, she thought her heart would break. But now Jas knows the truth: Whirlwind is alive! Wealthy horse breeder Hugh Robicheaux faked the mare's death, collected insurance money, then sold her to an unsuspecting buyer. And he's going to get away with his crime, too—unless someone can find Whirlwind. And that's exactly what Jas plans to do.

But hunting for Whirlwind is dangerous. Hugh has threatened to destroy everything Jas holds dear unless she stops her search. As she struggles with her desire to find Whirlwind without endangering the people she loves, Jas must ask herself: Should she risk so much for a horse she may never find?

Astra
by Chris Platt
Sept. 1

Thirteen-year-old Lily O'Neil's passion is Arabian horses. Someday she wants to be a great endurance rider like her mother. But a year earlier, when a freak riding accident took her mother's life, Lily's father sold Lily's beloved pony and forbid her to ride ever again.

When Lily's grandmother comes to live with them, however, she convinces Mr. O'Neil to let Lily clean stalls on the neighboring Arabian ranch. Lily's mother had worked there as an exercise rider. Lily is ecstatic, especially since she'll be near her mother's favorite horse, Astra. Lily's mother believed that Astra had the talent to become a national champion. Her goal was to ride her in the famous Tevis Cup Endurance Race, the toughest horse race in America. Lily is determined to fulfill her mother s dream. But how will she convince her father to let her ride again?

Dream of Night
by Heather Henson
May 4

An abused horse. A damaged girl. A last chance for both...

A Horse Called Hustle is not called Hustle

2010-04-03T00:00:00.003-04:00

A Horse Called Hustle
by CJ Love
2009

Jessa Wilder's grandfather has one small desire: to win back the horse that was stolen from him in a poker game by that stack-the-deck, horse-pinching card sharp Cole Hannible. Jessa is not above fleecing the average man in a game of poker. That's why she's the Seven-Card Stud Shootout Champion of the Southeast. But Cole Hannible isn't your average man, and even though Jessa bluffs him for a while, he's got an ace up his sleeve called revenge. Jessa Wilder will never get her hands on his Triple Crown winner, A Horse Called Hustle. He's made sure of it...and it could cost them both their hearts.

In case you were wondering, the horse isn't called Hustle. The horse is called A Horse Called Hustle. It's kind of like saying my name is That Girl Called Mara. Think how fantastic our lives would be if we named things this way? Somehow, I think redundancy would be the least of our problems.

Anyway, Jessa (or The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa), has arrived in Ocala. Or somewhere around in there. Due to some extreme planning of heights never reached before by man, she arrives at a gas station, where Cole (or The Dastardly but Beautiful Man Named Cole) has been working on his truck. She accidentally honks the horn, and he just happens to wander over to make her look like a moron, and incidentally notices she's leaking oil all over the place. She refuses his help, drives off, finds him later on the road with his broken down truck, and offers to drive him to this 4,500 acre thoroughbred farm. So the plan to get Cole to lose his Triple Crown winner via poker is well under way.

Right around here I suspected this story was going to turn to hilarity. It started when Cole picks up a rifle and jumps into Jessa's Porsche, which then promptly breaks down as a hurricane whirls up and leaves them deserted on some Florida highway. Jessa then reveals her cat named Stanley, who follows them determinedly through the woods as they attempt to walk through the hurricane on their way to Cole's farm.

They don't make it, and stumble into an abandoned barn, where they decide to pass the time by playing poker, all in hopes that Jessa will somehow get Cole to bet his Triple Crown winner, A Horse Called Hustle. That doesn't exactly happen, but she does get him to bet a "horse of her choice," and this is written out all nice and legal on a Taco Bell napkin.

So, to recap, this ploy to get Cole to lose his famous horse to her in a poker game included:
1. Strategically out of gas Porsche
2. Ignorance involving how to pump gas
3. The wild hope that Cole will happen to be at this gas station at this precise time
4. Sabotaging Cole's truck so it will break down
5. Cutting the Porsche's oil line so that it will break down after she has managed to pick up Cole
6. A HURRICANE

The hurricane passes, so Cole, Jessa and Stanley the cat go on their merry way. They run into the angriest cow on the face of the earth, cross a river by jumping through trees (with a house cat, mind you) and randomly wind up back at the cars. Someone picks them up and says, "Oh, hey, that's The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa WILDER. You know, the granddaughter of the guy you hate who wants your horse?" And Cole gets all upset and refuses to speak to Jessa, even after she sends him twenty steaks and balloons and Hallmark cards and essentially decides that she'd rather not screw around with him and his horse. Of course, he does not tell her he hates her to her face, he sends her a telegram. Apparently Cole does not believe in pretty and insulting greeting cards.

And then the real fun starts. Cole and Jessa's grandfather, That Guy Named Pappy or Poppy or Somebody, "hate" each other. And they take this hatred out on each other through ridiculous pranks that seem to have some meaning, but I failed to really care. The important thing here is that Jessa is on Cole's To Prank list. This inevitably involves a "haunted house" and the reenactment of what I recognized to be my life as a college student. Eventually Jessa and Cole find themselves lost in Florida again, restlessly searching for a BP that never appears.

The pranks continue continuing. Cole outbids Jessa on all those Norwegian Fjords she wanted just to irk her, etc. Then someone lets a bull into the stud barn, scattering stallions in all directions. Cole blames Jessa for this incident, shakes her around because this is romantic and not abusive, and then randomly decides to play poker with Paddy or Pappy or whoever for her hand in marriage or what not. He loses. No one cares. Because the The Girl They Call Jessica, But She Prefers Jessa is more loved than A Horse Called Hustle.

I suppose they get married and have many fantastic adventures in the woods of Florida.

Just some random quotes:

- Slapping him on the back, they congratulated him for surviving the wilds and facing the hurricane like a man. It was a guy moment.

- It was all very dramatic as the sun sank lower in the sky and the lamps beneath the oak trees lit automatically.

- "We're grown men. By god, you have to be a man to pull some of the stunts we've...they've pulled. And you have to have a driver's license, and know someone who's studied electricity, or at least physics. A lawyer comes in handy once in awhile. We're men, okay?"

- Not hungry, Jessa approached the free-sample lady, thinking to pass the time.

- "Taco Bell," he said aloud. "I guess it's time to go south of the border."

- "Where are you going?" "To stare out the window."

As you can see, this book was about two parts hilarious and one part awesome. It has no clue on the horse end of things, but I think I was too entranced by the rest of it to even begin noticing that problem.

That said: hour and a half of your time, tops. It's time well spent.

Wildfire: The End, Part Two

2010-04-02T13:55:00.002-04:00

Wildfire
4.13: The Ties That Bind, Part 2

You guys, I am kind of upset that I don't have any more Wildfire to watch. It kind of concerns me that I feel this way. It's sort of how I felt when I realized there would be no more new Thoroughbred books to mock.

Well, here goes.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Clay informs Dani that he's going to take the high road with Brad/Ashleigh because he's the parent here, and surely being a parent means you have to Do The Right Thing sometimes. Sigh. I get it, Clay. I do. If only Doing The Right Thing could be as easy as manipulating others. +50

+ Ashleigh informs Brad that "it's always been" him. Thank you for proving me right, Ashleigh. +100

+ Clay opens up to Ashleigh and she smacks him down. Not that this isn't deserved. +5

+ Metaphor! Brad is off to Alaska, creating distance between himself and Ashleigh. Wonder just ran some super long race, but she ran the distance because she loves Ashleigh. Distance can't change love, blah blah blah. Nice attempt, Mike. I am pretty sure this is going to be the last time I reward you points, so I'll be nice and give you more than usual. +10

+ Pretty riding scene that ends in a surprise wedding, because Brad isn't going to Alaska after all, so everyone appears out of nowhere dressed to kill while Jean gives Ashleigh her old wedding dress? AWESOME. +5,000

+ Everything about the wedding (that, for a spontaneous wedding, was pretty ornate). The Brad & Clay reconciliation hug of manliness, the Dani & Ashleigh conversation about being sisters, the Jean & Ashleigh conversation about the dress. Then Ian and Jean give Wonder to Ashleigh as a wedding present, and she's all decked out in white flowers and ribbons and it is the best Thoroughbred fanfic ever. The End. +10,000

The Good: 15,165

The Bad:

- "What would you do with a stolen famous horse you can't sell?" Um, Ashleigh, the possible answers to that question are remarkably limited. The only answer I could think of was kill it. Ashleigh's answer is, "Set it free!" I don't know what this says about me as a person, but I'm pretty sure Brad, Mike, and Dani were definitely with me. -10

- So Wonder's been running around in the wild because some groom forgot to lock the stall door, discovered Wonder missing, and decided to stage a horse theft. Brilliant waste of time. -500

- The winner's circle afterward with Ashleigh, Mike, Jean, Ian and Wonder was a little too much. What with the giant check, the hefting of the trophy while Ashleigh's still on Wonder's back, Ashleigh proclaiming her love for Brad to the camera...oh, man, it just needed to stop. -500

The Bad: 1,010

15,165-1,010=14,155

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698
The Ties That Bind, Part 1: 4,654
The Ties That Bind, Part 2: 14,155

*tosses glitter and confetti!*

And that was the great Wildfire marathon that only took me a year and a half to complete. Next up in terms of television: Heartland, which is supposedly entering US syndication this fall. And then there's Luck, which will happen whenever HBO wants it to happen, I guess. I'm sure the point system will be back for both of those. Whenever they actually appear.

Wildfire: The End, Part One

2010-04-01T11:08:00.002-04:00

Wildfire
4.12: The Ties That Bind, Part 1

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Any episode that starts out like this one wins a prize. We've got Brad/Ashleigh in a field, the Porsche, Wonder, pretty beams of light, and a full circle moment brought to you by that yellow flower you always see in the opening sequence. +5,000!

+ Brad, Ashleigh, Clay and Townsend Acres, you say? Surely this cannot be done! It's kind of like how I always wanted Thoroughbred to wind up, which is my sad little admission, but there you have it. This show is kind of awesome. +5

+ Dani gives the best advice this season. Yes, Mike, you are entering Pride in this race in order to get back at Ashleigh for not picking you. I'm happy that you at least admit that much. +1

+ "Mike made her choose" between Townsend Acres and Whitebrook. Thank you, Jean! Finally someone is seeing sense. +3

+ Shirtless Brad. Not only that, but shirtless, wet Brad. I am pretty sure the writers were having a field day at this point. +200

+ Ashleigh is so gung ho on this relationship with Brad that it is starting to scare me. This "I don't care if you're going to Alaska, I am coming with you because that is what I want to do, so shut up already and MARRY ME" is like she's actually become decisive. +50

+ Surprise! We're going to get married after the race! +10 Will Jean and Ian walk Ashleigh down the aisle? Of course! +10 Does Clay look like he wants to kill something with his mind? +10

+ Ian and Jean are off making out in public, shocking Mike to speechlessness, as Dani says, "Everyone knows, honey." +5

+ So, Clay is fresh from being cut out of important wedding decisions (or cut out of manipulating important wedding decisions) and acts out by telling Ashleigh she is an opportunistic, ex-con who is also a whore. Ashleigh takes that rather well, but Brad is the one who strolls over and disowns him with about three words. They are all so awesome I hardly have words. +500

+ The melodrama at the end of this episode rivals just about every soap opera cliffhanger I can think of off the top of my head. "It's Wildfire! He's...gone!" Fade to black... +10

The Good: 5,804

The Bad:

- Mike, your childishness knows no bounds. I am so very sick of you. -100

- The great plot reveal: Wonder should come back from retirement to race one more time! Against juveniles! Because that's super logical! -1,000

- Raintree has silks? Has this become a giant inside joke or what? -50

The Bad: 1,150

5,804-1,150= 4,654

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698
The Ties That Bind, Part 1: 4,654

Wildfire: Being Mrs. Brad Townsend

2010-03-31T12:30:00.001-04:00

Wildfire
4.11: Being Mrs. Junior

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ This episode starts out with Brad and Ashleigh attempting to pick a date for their wedding while Brad feeds her random items he finds in the fridge (grapes, whipped cream from a can). Sooo... +550!

+ Holy crap, you guys, the season changed. It looks like it might be late spring. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't autumn. Sure, this kind of puts their Kentucky Derby conversation in jeopardy, but I don't care because I am so happy to see some summer clothing I cannot tell you. +10

+ Brad is on a horse again! Oh, show. Thank you for anticipating my needs. +20

+ Brad attempts to defuse Mike's rampant jealous rage with humor. This only causes Mike to storm off in a huff, because all humor is lost on him always. Too bad. +3

+ Thankfully, Racing!Dani has decided to be the opposite of insane. I am thrilled about this. +3

+ Brad and Ashleigh have a conversation about whether or not she'll change her last name to Townsend, and a little part of me loved it beyond reason. +140

+ Mike, your idea to take on boarders is kind of a recycled one that I'm surprised you're bringing up now after all of this time, but I will give you a point for not being totally beyond reason this episode. +1

+ Clay, you little manipulative bastard. I like your conversations with Ashleigh and Jean, but you are such a little manipulative bastard! I love you anyway. +4

+ The engagement ring makes its debut! And there was much flouncing and flailing and maniacal laughing. +1,000

+ Ashleigh confronts Clay about his delaying their wedding and being a general manipulative bastard. Good on you, Ashleigh. +10

The Good: 1,738

The Bad:

- Dani's green dress. I can't do anything with that. -10

- More about Affirmed. I guess it would be fine if he had been a totally awesome sire of epic proportions, but he just wasn't. -10

- Mike/Dani. I see your attempt to come full circle, show. I just do not think this is a logical move. -20

The Bad: 40

1738-40=1,698

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461
Being Mrs. Junior: 1,698

Filly or MONSTER?

2010-03-30T19:40:00.002-04:00

I about died laughing starting at the point where Wonder gallops by the water heater. Thank you, YouTube. Thank you.

(For those interested, I give you Wonder's Promise: Part One and Part Two.)

Wildfire: The Comeback...to mediocrity

2010-03-30T10:13:00.000-04:00

Wildfire
4.10: The Comeback

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ I am tentatively giving this episode points for more Townsend father/daughter bonding, even though that bonding may be motivated by sheer evil. Dani is going to run her filly against Clay's colt against Whitebrook's Wonder's Pride in some race I've forgotten the name of, and it is all very...uncomfortable. Mainly because of Noah, but we'll get to him in a minute. I give the bonding a point, despite the implication that it may be evil. +1

+ So, where does Brad want to go to get married? FIJI. And where do Brad and Ashleigh go to have sex after this announcement? A STALL. (I assume! Shut up.) Notes say +1,250. (My points are all over the place! I never thought I'd give that many points for stall sex, but I guess there's always a first time.)

+ Brad rides a horse! Really, he should do that more often. +5

+ Mike is a tracker again, because I guess someone remembered that he did that in season one. The only difference is that in season one he was motivated to find a horse, and in season four he's trying to find a couple of lost kids and is really pissed off about it. His basic opinion is that they should let the kids rot in the wilderness, and at the very least he shouldn't have to be bothered helping in the rescue effort. Oh, Mike. You have hit rock bottom for me, and I didn't even like the kids in this episode. +2 for finally cementing my opinion of you.

+ Hey, look, they are actually using the same silks in multiple races this time. If only because they aren't actually showing the races. Once they show another race, the silks change and we get a silly story to explain why Ashleigh needs to change her silks. Thanks for trying, show. +1

+ Clay is evil. Again. I liked it better when he was a soccer mom, but this works too. +1

+ Whitebrook's great comeback involves winning one race. And losing five races. The only horse that won is the very horse Mike wanted to sell in the episode previous, which means I get to give this whole scenario a point for the sake of irony. +1

The Good: 1,261

The Bad:

- There are children in this episode. Petulant, annoying children. And they shriek, and complain, and their outfits consist of primary colors and the most godawful red cowboy hats. I can almost see why Mike wanted to let the two brats who stole their horses and rode off into the wilderness die. -200

- Noah. Look, I get that you're concerned because Racing!Dani is a horrible person and Vet!Dani is so stable and likable. I, too, am concerned about this because I was really liking Vet!Dani and I thought she was over this whole Racing!Dani persona. But attacking her relationship with her father is probably not the way to go about making sure Racing!Dani doesn't make a comeback. (Also, what do you care? You haven't even met Racing!Dani.) -100

- Mike, contrary to your opinion, Ashleigh never actually lived with you. To say such a thing would imply that you had some arrangement where you "lived together" which is so not the case. -50 Also--no, not Brad's beautiful face! -100 Mike, stop trying to drown Brad in the river and act like a freaking adult. You so suck as a character. If I had created you I would have been ashamed. And then I would have killed you off. Maybe you could have been shipwrecked on an island and forced to live in solitude for the rest of your life. Yes, that would have been perfect. -350

The Bad: -800

1261-800=461

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5
The Comeback: 461

(I realize my point system has become a skewed mockery of the totally asinine point system I had previously, but according to this it looks like sex in a stall saved this episode from totally pissing me off to no end. I think I am okay with that.)

Wildfire: Vows & Vegas

2010-03-29T10:44:00.001-04:00

Wildfire
4.9: Vows

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ While Brad and Ashleigh are headed to Vegas via silver Porsche, he lets her know that he got Lavinia's dad to stop being such a prick. Ashleigh now has her jockey's license back, allowing for celebratory making out while driving. I see here in my notes that I wrote +1,000, so I suppose that is the number I'm going with. +1,000!

+ We follow this up with Brad and Ashleigh waiting in line in front of one of those quickie wedding chapels, which looks way too nice to exist in Las Vegas. (Due to the greenery, and lack of sheer awful.) They must have picked out the nicest quickie wedding chapel in the world. And they're all nervous and adorable and then Jean has to go ruin things by getting run over by a horse. Why, Jean? Why do you do this to me? I was so close to closure, and you had to go rip it away. +2 for cuteness, I guess.

+ Here is an episode with such a Thoroughbred plot, I dare anyone question the similarities. Jean gets run over by a high strung horse, so Ashleigh decides to "encourage, not criticize" the horse in its next work because everyone is so critical and demanding all the time. Love and support will work wonders, surely. And then Mike storms up and basically says he doesn't want to see that horse ever again because of what it did to Jean. It must be sold! Preferably in the next five seconds! Poor, poor ~~Champion~~ Nikiya, or whatever. +10 for amusing me.

+ Noah is back, because I guess he was somewhere doing something, and I feel that a break did wonders for our relationship. I don't know how or why he's now in a relationship with Dani, but I am surprisingly not horrified by this development. I am tentatively giving Noah a point. +1

+ The misty scene where Ashleigh is grazing Wonder on one side of the fence, and Brad drives up in his Porsche on the other side of the fence and she informs him that everyone else can go right to hell because she is not letting them formulate her opinions of him for her anymore? Notes say +1,000. And it is so deserved. +1,000! Also, an added +20 for being ridiculously pretty.

The Good: 2,033

The Bad:

- "She's the great granddaughter of Affirmed." Seriously? Who dares question the similarities to Thoroughbred, now? -5, just because I hate hearing how horses are the great grand anything to anyone.

- Are we still going to do this love triangle thing? Really? Well, I guess I'm not surprised, Mike. -100

- Spring! For a half-second! -.5

- Can we all step back for a second and realize that it is insane to encourage two people to get together and then freak out about it after they've actually done the getting together? Ian, you can't tell Brad to man up and tell Ashleigh how he feels, and then tell him he shouldn't have done that a day later when your encouragement results in Brad/Ashleigh. This relationship appears to break everyone's brains. -50

The Bad: 155.5

2,033-155.5=1,877.5

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969
Vows: 1,877.5

Wildfire: Seriously, let's finish this.

2010-03-28T13:21:00.002-04:00

Wildfire
4.8: Life's Too Short

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Ashleigh gets over the fact that she's basically permanently banned from jockeying in order to help out with Flame and Whitebrook's "Dirty Dozen" that have wound up actually being talented. I approve of this. +1

+ Brad and Clay wear matching leather jackets. It's the little things about this show that I have to appreciate. +1

+ Brad does not understand Ashleigh's backpedaling in terms of their relationship. Yes, Brad, I don't understand either. In fact, it is beginning to irritate me beyond words right about now because we've been doing this for four years now. Yet, oddly I am a fan of whenever Brad looks like he wants to punch something. So... +3

+ Brad and Mike are back in competition for Ashleigh. It's kind of hilarious, but also really annoying. Thankfully, Brad always lets some humor shine through these moments when he doesn't want to punch something. +2

+ Fresh from thinking he has a chance due to Ashleigh's moving back to Whitebrook, Ashleigh goes and breaks Mike's heart again in no uncertain terms. She just goes around breaking everyone's hearts these days, but I am finally satisfied. No Ashleigh/Mike. Thank you. +1

+ Ian. I don't hate you this episode! Nicely done. +1

+ Brad and Ashleigh finally have that "maybe we should talk about why I didn't get married to Lavinia" moment, and it is the BEST MOMENT EVER. +2,500!

+ "RJ was the one." Dani, you come along and make my Brad/Ashleigh glee all sad and depressing because you still can't seem to grasp that he is in a coma. He'll wake up any day now, I swear it. +5

+ I don't understand how Ashleigh can't be with Brad and live at Whitebrook. I don't understand the concept, because I think Mike can act like a big boy and stop being stupid IF HE FELT LIKE IT, which is PROBABLY NEVER, so...never mind. Anyway. Brad senses that Ashleigh is torn about this quandary, so he puts a stop to it by asking her to marry him and run away together. And Ashleigh basically says OMGYES. And I automatically give them 2,500 points. It is probably too much, but I just don't care.

+Dani. God, never stop being awesome. +20

+ For a second there, I thought Brad and Ashleigh wouldn't get their moment of driving off into the sunset via Porsche. BUT I WAS WRONG. +2,500 *tosses glitter and confetti*

The Good: 7,534

The Bad:

- The backpedaling. DUDE. This is so not the time for a love triangle, I don't even want to begin to discuss it. It upsets me that much. It verges on making no sense whatsoever, but this is usually how love triangles work. It's why I hate them. Ashleigh keeps holding them both at arm's length, doesn't give Mike any cues whatsoever other than wanting to move back to Whitebrook, Brad certainly doesn't know what the hell is going on, and EVEN MIKE is saying, "Ashleigh, it's Brad, okay? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" But then he's totally going back on those exact words later on, because Brad has to go say that he doesn't think it's happening and just UGH. -1,000 (I am going to have to carve a chunk out of the points I gave this episode somehow, guys.)

- Ashleigh is wearing a green camouflage shirt and a baby pink down vest. Ashleigh, sweetie, you dress like a hobo most of the time. It's kind of cute, in a way, but I disapprove of this. -5

- Clay drags Dani to an auction, where she falls in love with this filly. Clay says that yes, sure, she's great. Only she is a filly. That dastardly sex has no place at Townsend Acres! Seriously. Yes, seriously. -873 Only he buys her for Dani anyway, so +213.

- Jean, I fail to see how Ashleigh/Brad is a complication. How is it a complication? I fail to understand! -900

The Bad: 2,565

7,534-2,565=4,969

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5
Life's Too Short: 4,969

Wildfire: No one can make up their mind around here.

2010-03-27T11:53:00.001-04:00

Wildfire
4.7: Commitment Issues

Ugh, filler episodes. You just give me reasons to deduct points.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Jean. Jean gets lots of points for her slow build back to racing and resolving her problems with Ashleigh. I am happy to see her being less bitter, at the very least. +5

+ Dani supporting Ashleigh in front of the racing board when she could have gone in there and argued for them to reinstate her racing license instead. (+3) Dani telling Ashleigh, "Who wants to get to know the girl who thinks coming in first is the best thing in life?" I think every horse book author needs to study this line before writing another word. (+7) Dani getting her racing license anyway and hiding it away in her desk, silently resolving never to tell anyone about it because she's done racing. (+8)

+ Brad suddenly has poor presentation skills. I cannot believe this! In Brad's defense, he is sidetracked by some wedding photography, reminding him of all the splendid angst that is his life. I kind of like this. +1

+ Lavinia's congressman dad has his revenge on Ashleigh by personally refusing to let Ashleigh's jockey license be reinstated. That's pretty impressive, and exactly what Lavinia's dad would do. +3

+ So, normally I don't give out points when horses win (usually I take them away), but I liked Flame's first race. +1

+ More flashbacks! I cannot explain why I love these so much, but whatever. +1

The Good: 29

The Bad:

- Ian. Look, I like that you've gotten over your issues this episode. But I think your reasoning is kind of insane and I dislike it whenever you say something stupid about how you don't want people messing around with Wonder because you've had plenty of gimmicks of your own the past four years. So shut up. You annoy me. -3

- Spring shots! I notice these things, show. I also think you have enough fall footage in your show of eternal autumn to make sure these things don't happen. -.5

- I hate all episodes that involve the racing board. The monologuing! The angst! The pleas for mercy! It's so boring. -2

- There is too much Mike/Ashleigh hugging in this episode. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I would deduct a point for each time they embrace, but I refused to keep count. -2

- It was a total mistake to let me see the program for Flame's race, show. For one thing, racing programs aren't that simplistic. For another thing, two-year-old maidens don't race against five-year-old maidens. -1

- Matt, you interrupted the Brad/Ashleigh moment! This is so like you to frustrate me to no end. (-3) That said, there was some Brad/Ashleigh to bridge the gap between "Hey, I just stopped my wedding for you." to "Hey, I just stopped my wedding for you, so maybe we should discuss this?" Because there wasn't a lot of anything to indicate that Brad/Ashleigh would happen (and I would be sorely annoyed if I didn't know what happens) in this episode except for the avoiding and Brad's love admission that was interrupted by MIKE, YOU BIG STUPID JERK. -3 again!

The Bad: 14.5

29-14.5=14.5

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5
Commitment Issues: 14.5

Wildfire: Friendship vs Passion

2010-03-26T22:00:00.003-04:00

Wildfire
4.6: Friendship/Passion

Mmmm, the definitive Ashleigh/Brad episode. Let's see how many points this one is going to accumulate, because I am feeling so very generous right now.

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ After insisting that they remain apart forever and always, right before all of the kissing that will make this all the more awkward, Brad spends the first portion of this episode literally running away from Ashleigh at any opportunity. So while he peels out in his Porsche, Mike mutters, "Wedding stress." This episode is rather witty. +2

+ Jane's resolve to hate Ashleigh is melting. Melting! +1

+ Townsend family bonding! I love it when Clay tries to be supportive as his children roll their eyes and attempt to pretend none of this is happening. +3

+ Mike, I respect your refusal to be the shoulder Ashleigh cries on over Brad. The thing is, this reminds me that Mike/Ashleigh actually happened on this show, and I felt a little bit sick. So while I thought about rewarding you with a point, I am going to have to downgrade it to a half point. .5!

+ Who makes someone memorize a poem for a wedding? Really? Lavinia, you are awesome. +1

+ Ashleigh does sort of unconsciously sabotage Brad's wedding by making Lavinia extra pissy. And Mike tells her so. Mike is right. WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE? I, just, I...I don't know. +2?

+ I really, really, really like Ashleigh standing around with Wonder before Brad's wedding. And I like that she's in her bridesmaid dress. And I like everything about this so much that I am going to give it ten points. +10

+ And then Wonder jumps out of the paddock, and Brad has driven away from his wedding to "get some air," and they accidentally meet up outside of Whitebrook (because that is apparently Brad's default setting) and they go chasing through the countryside, delaying the wedding by I don't know how long to find this horse that is speeding around because metaphors are awesome! +10!

+ And then a random fisherman tells them they should get married. I'm not sure where the metaphor went, but I wasn't expecting that. +1

+ Ashleigh admits to unconsciously sabotaging Brad's wedding, because she is all truthful now. (+1) Brad says he doesn't care and they should run away together. (+4) Now Ashleigh is the one saying that they can't because of...responsibility, I guess. And she doesn't want to be the one to break up his wedding. Dude. *cries* Why do you hate me, show?

+ Wedding scene interspersed with Brad/Ashleigh flashbacks! Oh, flashbacks. You were from a simpler time. +5

+ I cannot believe I am about to say this, but my notes read "Go Mike!" Yes, that's right. I am cheering on Mike's efforts to beat sense into the thick skulls of Brad and Ashleigh right there at the Brad/Lavinia wedding, because he's decided to skip reading the Lavinia poem and subtly inform Brad that Lavinia is all wrong for him while making it seem like this is precisely what Lavinia wants to hear. Well done, Mike. I'm going to give you, like, two points for that. We'll work our way up to the bigger numbers after I start trusting you a little more. +2

+ And then the lights go out. Brad tries to light a candle, fails, and says to Lavinia, "No spark!" Oh, show. +1

The Good: 43.5

The Bad:

- If Wonder is jumping out of her pasture, I think it would help if they got a bigger pasture. Not that this would help when there's metaphor afoot. -1

- Jean and Ian are having with the uncomfortable attraction. I dislike this. In no way should Jean/Ian happen. Jean/Clay would have been so much more appropriate and/or awesome. So, to sum up: Jean/Ian = *horrified screaming* -3

The Bad: 4

43.5-4=39.5

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32
Friendship/Passion: 39.5

Wildfire: The "Friend"

2010-03-25T23:57:00.005-04:00

Wildfire
4.5: The Friend

I so need to finish watching this series. It's dragged on long enough!

(Reminder: I exchange Wildfire characters for Thoroughbred characters. Why? Because it is easy, and it is amusing, and I will forever maintain that someone behind this show read at least one of the early Thoroughbred books. Also, it's all on Hulu. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself!)

The Good:

+ Admittedly, I love how evil Lavinia becomes in this episode. She goes from perky blonde to suspicious and manipulative in the blink of an eye. I approve! +1

+ Just in general, watching Brad and Ashleigh step around each other over the Brad/Lavinia wedding is amusing and just angst-ridden enough to amuse me to no end. +1!

+ Ashleigh calling out Brad on whatever it is that's going on with them since he saved her from death by burning support beam is appreciated. I just don't know what her point is because Lavinia has started eavesdropping and bursts in at the last possible second before it all becomes clear (he loves her, he wants to do more than have eye sex with her, etc.) +2!

+ Oh, no. A deep conversation in which Ashleigh insists that Brad put everything important in his life after Lavinia. This, not shockingly, includes Ashleigh herself. Brad looks like he does not want to hear this and would rather punch a tree. I am further taken with this episode, because quite frankly I have kind of forgotten that it isn't Thoroughbred fanfic. +5!

+ Brad in a leather jacket and a bottle of champagne? Yes. I know. +3

+ Brad shows off his public speaking skills in order to sell the personal wind turbine project to reporters, while simultaneously alluding to how important Ashleigh is to him in the most vague way possible. I am not even sure how that worked, but there you have it. +2

+ In response, Lavinia raises the stakes. Ashleigh is now a bridesmaid! Oh, that manipulative witch. +1

+ Dani to Ashleigh: Are you still in love with Brad? Ashleigh to Dani: *shocked stare* +3

+ Noah. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I kind of don't hate you this episode. Nice job. +1

+ Ashleigh takes a walk with Brad. (+1) She basically throws it all out there about how she's still hopelessly in love with him. (+4) Brad looks like he wants to punch a tree again. (+2) Brad proceeds to reject her and insist that they can't know each other after he's married (unlikely to happen, but I'll give it a point [+1]). Then he kisses her in a desperate manner and stalks off. (+10!)

+ Fresh from that experience, Ashleigh learns that Jean doesn't want her on the farm more than she has to be, because there was some maneuvering from Mike to get Ashleigh a place to live at Whitebrook so she can continue to help with Pride. I grudgingly respect Ashleigh's mute stare of resilience about this. +1

The Good: 38

The Bad:

- Dani/Noah. It's just...wrong. RJ is totally coming out of that coma at the end of the series, Dani. It's okay! Don't settle! -1

- I honestly can't decide if Jean's unrelenting anger toward Ashleigh is warranted at this point. She holds onto a grudge, so I suppose I'll respect that. But, still, eh. -2

- Mike's opinion on marriage is that there will always be someone better than your wife, but because you are married you will wrap up that attraction to the woman who is not your wife, tie a bow on it (for some reason) and then bury it in the cold, hard ground. There is something very unsettling about this, and I can't decide if it's because Mike is such an idiot most of the time or because he's possibly being a little truthful. Either way, I don't like it. -3

The Bad: 6

38-6=32

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25
The Friend: 32

Season 4 is looking better and better, you guys.

Derby Fever: In which we learn that Ashleigh has the memory of a goldfish

2010-03-23T12:06:00.009-04:00

Title:Derby Fever (Thoroughbred 53)
Author: Mary Anderson

It is rather fitting that this book, easily one the worst in the series, has a cover this hideous. Both Star and Image look like cow horses and it seems dear Image forgot the power of Vitamin E enhanced lotion or something. Either that or she's suffering from equine leprosy.

Both girls seem to think that wearing a strapless helmet on a young Thoroughbred is a good idea and Melanie is throwing Christina a very Cindy-worthy Pout of Death. Or maybe it's the SuperPout(TM)!

Anyhoo, take note of the background, as it shall be returning in a few books time.

The whole plot of this book revolves around Christina wanting to race Star once more before the Derby and Ashleigh disagreeing based on her past experiences with Wonder's Pride. Yup, you got it. We have flashbacks in this one, folks! Are you as thrilled as I am?

Christina basically gets away with saying the most horrible, bitchy things to Ashleigh. If she was my daughter, I would have been like "Nuh-uh. No more pony for you."

The Star obsession and disagreement goes on for a while. Ashleigh thinks she somehow was responsible for Pride's near breakdown. Someone needs to reread #7. That's not quite how I remember it going down, but whatevs.

So, Ashleigh decides that the best thing for her whiny brat of a daughter is to ride in a race. Naturally. Not precious Star, though. She sticks her on one of the insignificant Whitebrook horses, Raven. Christina royally screws up that one, though. She is so busy thinking about Star (are we shocked?) and causes this big accident in which Raven gets hurt.

Well, in case we all forget, apparently Melanie just loves Raven. And boy is she pissed. I'm telling you, for two eighteen-year-olds, Mel and Chris know how to sulk it up.

So, in her pissed-off state, Mel gets in an accident. And this somehow is the magical catalyst for making up and being BFFs and shit again. That and a pretty pony statue. Mental note made.

The book ends with a mock race which makes everyone happy, even though Image won.

Dani seems to wait around for the chance to walk Star or tack Star up or just basically be a servant to Chris's every equestrian whim. Poor girl.
First Raven can't even be a broodmare and then she can? WTF. It just shows what the magical power of Whitebrook love can do.
Mary's Charlie dialogue irritated me. It was like a copy/paste from every single book he's featured in.
I secretly wonder if Star shits rainbows.
Does no one really age? Ian is described as being "unchanged" from the days of Pride. There must be some magical water in Thoroughbred-land, especially for Jazzman to still be a viable stud. Pity Charlie never found it.

And that's it. The. Worst. Book. Ever. But wait! Next up is Cindy's Last Hope. Perhaps I have spoken too soon.

Mixing the CIA with horse fiction is a bad idea.

2010-03-18T20:00:00.001-04:00

On The Run
by Iris Johansen
2005

For eight years, single mother Grace Archer has been living a picture-perfect life raising her daughter on a horse farm in the small town of Tallanville, Alabama. Watching Frankie grow into a talented and confident young girl has made Grace as happy as any mother could hope to be. Happy enough, even, to forget the past. But the past never quite goes away. Which is why a certain charismatic man also moved to Tallanville eight years ago to watch over her.

But when violence threatens to shatter Grace and Frankie's idyllic home, the waiting is over. The ghosts of the past have returned. And they're hungry for blood. Now Grace must resume an identity she thought she had cast off forever, and match wits with an opponent as deadly as he is cunning. The prize: an extraordinary secret that only she can unfold. The forfeit: losing the thing more precious to her than life itself.

Occasionally, when I've lost all motivation to select my own horse books, I fall to the comforts/horrors provided by the requests page. This is one such request.

We start, much to my surprise, with Val Kilmer. No, his name is not Val, but it is Kilmer, so my brain came to the logical conclusion. Val is in Morocco, driving recklessly. You see, Val is being chased by men with guns because he has stolen a bedazzled purse embroidered with white ponies. A purse that I like to think looks like this. And then he jumps out of a moving truck, into a helicopter, and flies to Alabama...or something.

I know. You're thinking, Mara. Come on. Val Kilmer does not steal purses in Morocco! Certainly not bedazzled purses! I'm here to tell you that he does. But don't worry, it will be all for nothing.

Now let's talk about Grace and her genius-child, Frankie. Grace has lots of issues, namely because she was dragged all over the world with her dad, an infamous gunrunner or assassin or super secret double agent, or whatever. Her only brief moments of peace were the summers she spent on her grandfather's Australian horse farm, because I suppose her father saved that season for his bloodbaths. God knows, if I had a child and was in a gunrunning/assassin business, I'd send her away when I felt like getting involved in a massacre. Or whatever it is I do.

Frankie is a child prodigy of the piano persuasion. She can compose orchestras at the age of eight. She acts like she's forty most of the time and singlehandedly reminded me of why I loathe suspense/romance books that involve children. Anyway, she's been living in Alabama all of this time with Grace, blissfully unaware that this evil guy, Marvot, wants her dead. Or alive, but he'd really prefer dead. His reasons for this are not all that clear, but for the record I didn't really care. Grace has been hiding out at a tiny horse farm in Nowheresville, Alabama, hoping that Marvot won't discover her location.

Of course, he does. Throats are slit, rigor mortis sets in, cars explode, and Val swoops in to save the day. He totes Grace, Frankie, and Robert, CIA guy who's been looking over them to make sure cars don't explode in their vicinity, to a hotel. The next day they go back to the crime scene to take care of the horses and take their sweet time about it. Meanwhile I am thinking they should probably not be doing this, given that they just killed like fifteen henchmen there. But whatever. Eventually Grace stops being a stubborn mule for half a second and they go to Wyoming.

Anyway. Val and Grace have lots of issues. Sexy issues. As you have probably already figured out by now, they conceived Frankie during their wild bouts of emotionless sex some nine years ago. Then something trust shattering happened and here we are. Grace glares a lot, Val is vaguely awesome a lot, and then more explosions happen. Not that we haven't had time for more emotionless sex in the barn, because rest assured that happened, and it happened a lot.

Somewhere in all of this, we learn why we're here. I was happy about this, because when you're about two thirds through a book and you still have no idea what's going on, I will even take an info dump of Stephenie Meyer magnitudes to explain to me what the hell is happening. This is what is happening:

Once, there was a man. I guess he explored a lot, because he excavated some Egyptian tomb and found (waiiiit for iiiiiiit) a never ending fuel-less battery cell! It's like the everlasting gobstopper of batteries! Neglecting to inform Egypt about this discovery, this guy decides to take his discovery to America, where congress is in awe of the engine he has developed around this battery. Sensing their global domination is going to be threatened, the oil industry collectively panics, and Marvot, mobster/oil magnate, intends to singlehandedly stop this insanity by killing this guy's father. Weirdly, this works. Engine man goes to ground, and literally buries his engine in the Sahara.

All is lost! Except for the fact that the engine man has fashioned a way to find the engine: he breeds Arabian horses! Two of these horses were trained at the tender age of, like, one and a half, to find the engine. Only here is the kicker: they must remain together at all times, and they are sort of insane. They cannot be trained, they cannot be approached. One can hardly glance at them without being seriously harmed in some way. The only thing that sort of calmed them is Cosmo, the donkey, but Val, in his endless stupidity, stole the donkey about two months ago.

Where, oh where, will we find a horse whisperer? Oh, wait, Grace is a horse whisperer! Ahem, I mean, she just talks to horses until they do whatever it is she wants them to do. Right.

So then Frankie is kidnapped by Marvot, Grace walks into Morocco, sweet talks the horses, and then more explosions happen. Marvot dies, Grace walks out of there with the now tame horses. (Because finders keepers, okay? Sure, they belong to the estate/heirs of the dead engine guy, but GRACE IS BETTER THAN THEM. And possession is 9/10ths of the law, you guys. It's amusing because Grace and Val kind of explicitly state this to themselves afterward. No, really.)

Fresh from stealing some horses that can find an engine that will change history, and obviously now billionaires, they retire to Alabama with their prodigy daughter, whom I think I have successfully ignored for most of this review.

- People say shall, may and whom too much in this book. I appreciate correct grammar as much as the next person, but this was like reliving all of those elementary school reprimands all over again. (May I? vs. Can I? That was like every day.)

- Val insists that he and Grace get married because sex is obviously the most important thing in any relationship. Sure, they have absolutely no chemistry together and seem to not care about each other's feelings, but that's not important! All of those kids who are getting married at the courthouse? They're doing it because of the sex, Grace.

- The dialogue in this book drove me a little crazy, because people talk at each other instead of with each other. Then, all of a sudden, Val will start talking as if he's just heard Grace's thoughts and the "conversation" takes a totally weird turn from blah blah normal blah to sexy times based on a thought.

- Iris hates commas with a passion.

- Frankie jumps "barriers" with a palomino stallion that was gifted to her, because supposedly this makes her well-rounded.

So, this is where I stop. Next, I think I'll continue through these requests and work on Rider in the Dark. If anyone else wants to torture me, feel free to leave your requests.

And then the horse with fangs ate him. The end.

2010-03-16T23:15:00.001-04:00

The Heavenly Horse from the Outermost West
By Mary Stanton

The Dark Horse and his minions search for the last true Appaloosa for their own nefarious purposes, while, from the Courts of the Outermost West, the Dancer enters the world to save his breed from extinction.

I don't know what came over me, but I just had to hunt down this book. As it turns out, Heavenly Horse is a bit elusive and I was forced to use my magical librarian powers for what turned out to be a huge waste of time and effort.

The reason for this is pretty simple. I loathe fantasy novels. I'm trying to think of one right now that I even marginally tolerated, and not one title is popping up in my abused little brain. It's not that I can't sit down and make myself read them, because many years ago I forced myself through The Lord of the Rings and I'm still not sure how that even happened. It's like a blur of supreme boredom highlighted with intermittent screams of horror. I know, I know. Why, then, did I even bother? How could I, a hater of fantasy, be expected to push all of that aside for a book that has a rainbow Appaloosa fighting a fanged horse with claws on the cover? How can I rise above my biases to read and review this novel of talking horses who smell like wild thyme? How?

Yet again, the answer is pretty simple. I don't.

I tried, you guys. Really, I did, but ultimately I put the book down and promptly lost it in my apartment somewhere. I really hope I can find it, because I'm pretty sure magical librarian powers aren't going to get me out of that one.

Anyway, let me present some points of interest:

1. The Dancer. I guess he's super important because he is the leader of the mystical Appaloosa breed, which seems important to horses everywhere because of a very select list of breeds in the super horse breed army it happens to be alphabetically superior. The Dancer, when off in special la la horse world, is all the colors of the rainbow. He smells like wild thyme. He uses poetry to introduce himself. He also tries to rape someone. The Dancer is kind of a dick.

2. Duchess. She is a grade mare who is probably an Appaloosa in disguise. I didn't get to that part. Anyway, she's all emotionally scarred, believing that she could get beaten at any point despite the fact that she's never been beaten. Whatever. Then The Dancer tries to rape her. And she tries to tell all the other mares about it and they're all, "OMG you have to let him rape you! That's how babies are made!" And the barn cat is all, "LET HIM RAPE YOU." And the collie is all, "OMG, you so suck." But by then The Dancer realizes he's probably come across a little too strong in trying to rape her, so he sweet talks her into getting in foal. And by that point I was out of there.

3. The Mares. Are annoying. And they have lots of rules.

4. The People. They are probably English, but they keep making soothing sounds that make me think they are maybe German. I cannot even begin to explain this rationally.

5. The Collie. Everyone who talks to him uses his name so frequently it started to amuse me. OMG, Corey. You didn't just do that, Corey. I am so sick of your know-it-all attitude, Corey.

Truthfully, I did give up on this book after the failed rape attempt/love scene. It was weirdly reminiscent of those romance novels that involve the guy accidentally raping the girl, her being somewhat traumatized, but eventually she gets over it because it's true love, rape happens, let's make babies and forget that "control issue" thing ever happened, okay? Only with horses. Regardless, I tend to put books down after these instances.

Also, I loathe fantasy. (Oh, the only one I liked was Birth of the Firebringer by Meredith Ann Pierce. I knew there was at least one.)

Because Our Mara is Awesome

2010-03-12T03:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.thoroughbredtimes.com/national-news/2010/March/10/Pittsburgh-librarian-wins-ninth-biennial-Fiction-Contest.aspx

Congrats, Mara!

No, Nick Nolte. No.

2010-03-09T08:47:00.002-05:00

Nick Nolte circles HBO's upcoming series 'Luck'.

If this series starts to resemble Simpatico, I might watch it out of sick fascination alone. But only if they cast someone pretty to look at. Sorry, Dustin Hoffman.

This is a movie that is missing tween girls and vampire bats.

2010-03-03T22:12:00.005-05:00

The Black Stallion Returns
1983

Here's the thing about The Black Stallion: it took the basic premise of the book to a different level. It rose above the insanity, if you will, that horse books wallow around in to the point of absurdity. It did this by making sure no one spoke too much, thereby limiting the crazy. Also, I seem to remember a horse fight on a boat that didn't happen...or maybe I'm just dreaming this up. I'm pretty sure I'm not, because The Black strikes me as the sort of horse that can win horse fights on land and on water.

What I'm saying is that the movie version of the book did its best to strip the sheer crazy right out of that story. The movie version of The Black Stallion Returns embraces that crazy, opening the door for the unparalleled weirdness that occurs in The Adventures of the Black Stallion some years later, which opens the floodgates of awful for The Young Black Stallion.

I would like to see The Black Stallion and Flame turned into a movie, where The Black and Flame stop trying to kill each other long enough to take down a vampire bat. Yes, I said vampire bat. How can we insert a tween girl into this picture? It could be done somehow!

The Black Stallion Returns starts normally enough. The Black and Alec are living in some upstate New York farm, where The Black prances to dramatic music. Meanwhile, Abu Ben Ishak and his daughter, Tabari, are entering the country and looking all shady. They speak to a customs official, basically heavily implying that they're there to steal a racehorse (because customs officials hear that sort of stuff all the time, I'm sure). That night, they arrive to discover Kurr, some guy from some rival tribe, is already at the farm attempting to steal The Black, who is all predictably homicidal for seemingly no reason.

Kurr, dismayed that this horse is totally nuts, decides that the best way to steal him is to set the barn on fire. Which is a brilliant plan if you were planning on just standing around hoping that someone will come along and save the horse for you so you don't have to be held responsible for killing the horse because you sort of set it on fire. Yet again his masterful plan backfires, because Ben and Tabari swoop in and steal the horse while he was off somewhere doing something.

This prompts a very chaotic scene involving running around storage containers for a while, but ultimately Alec is forced to smuggle himself aboard a plane to Morocco. It occurs to me now that I'm pretty sure The Black was transported by sea, in which case the timeline for this movie makes no sense. Anyway, Alec proceeds to run around Morocco screaming "Shetan" at anyone who looks like they have the capability to hear. This is amusing to me, since he's basically screaming "Devil" at people, as if they're expected to understand that he's talking about a horse.

At some point, Alec finds himself hitching a ride with Kurr, who then abandons him in the desert. Alec is picked up by a roving public bus, where he meets Raj, who reprimands him a lot. Eventually they get lost in the desert and nearly die, only to be found by Raj's people. Alec, who at this point has perfected forcing people to be hospitable to him, is dropped off with Ben, who is so not thrilled about this situation.

Insert a moment of The Black loves Alec and not Tabari, who for some reason likes to kick her horses in the ribs and scream in their ears. Tabari, you're kind of forcing Ben's hand here. But eventually Alec and The Black get kidnapped by the rival tribe, only to escape. Ben is thrilled again, Alec decides to race The Black in the upcoming desert race of awesomeness, which they win after lots of sand and guns and race fixing and friendly male bonding and such. Alec leaves The Black in whatever country that was, presumably wandering back to New York alone.

- I love how Alec is discovered on the plane. When asked how he got in there he basically says, "I don't know. Hey, can I eat that bread?" And then he starts to consume what looks to be a half-eaten sandwich as the copilot looks on in horrified confusion.

- I kind of always had a huge crush on Raj. I admit it.

- The Black chooses his girlfriend over Alec. Yet again proof that The Black doesn't really care all that much. Sex is better than special super fabulous lifetime friends, apparently.

I still want to see The Black Stallion and Flame take down a vampire bat. I don't think that book was vaguely covered in The Adventures of the Black Stallion. It should have been, because their attempt at The Black Stallion Revolts and The Black Stallion Challenged were both pretty amusing.

News: Bonnie is back!

2010-02-25T08:12:00.003-05:00

Poppet Press has reissued the Bonnie books, starting with The Sweet Running Filly and A Horse Called Bonnie. Both are available on Amazon.com, and the rest of the series will soon be available.

I don't know about anyone else, but that was the most fantastic series involving a girl, her naturally doped wonder horse, a man in a cowboy outfit, the most annoying beagle on earth, and illicit step-sibling unrequited love that I have ever read.

Wildfire: Flames

2010-02-08T20:46:00.007-05:00

Wildfire
4.4: Flames

You know, the day I find out Wildfire is available to me in its entirety at hulu.com is the day I totally lose interest in actually watching it. Yet, here I am, committed to seeing this through to the end. We are so close! Just a little bit further! I promise this won't be awful! Really!

The Good:

+ "I don't do things on the down low anymore," says Ashleigh. Whenever someone says "down low" it's hard for me to not burst into laughter. Mainly because I think it is the stupidest term since "my bad," which for some reason enrages me. That said, I am thrilled that Ashleigh isn't doing anything on the down low anymore. My little self-righteous, sanctimonious Ashleigh is back! *hugs Ashleigh tight* Never leave us again, Ash! +3!

+ Wonder's Pride has a photo album tucked away in the Townsend Acres office. Of course Brad keeps a photo album of Pride in his office. Doesn't this make sense? And within that photo album are some really horrible pictures that have been photoshopped beyond saving. For some reason, I like this. +2!

+ Brad saunters in with a briefcase of cash. Awesome? Yes. +10!

+ I even like the rocking out Ashleigh, Mike, Brad and Dani do in the truck. And the way Ashleigh and Dani say, "I used to hate you!" And the way Ashleigh says, "I can't believe I punched you in the face!" I can't believe any of this is happening. +3!

+ And then there is Ashleigh/Brad eye sex. That's right. +5!

+ Brad goes and saves Ashleigh from a flaming support beam by tackling her, picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder, and escaping a roaring barn fire. Well. +4!

+ So, I can't give Mike many points just as a basic rule. However, he rides Pride through a flaming wall, almost rivaling Brad's level of general awesomeness. But because I kind of doubt a horse is going to randomly burst through a flaming wall, I will only give this one point. +1!

+ Dani slaps Noah. This is deserved and needs to happen more often. +2!

+ Brad tells Ashleigh that he had to choose between her and Pride during the barn fire. And obviously he chose her ~~because they are so obviously in love~~ because they are dedicated friends who have eye sex a lot. +2!

+ Pride looks like a racehorse, whereas Wonder always looked like a very stout plow pony. +1!

Good: 33

The Bad:

- MIKE. Your stupid plans to train Wonder after she's just barely recovered from her broken leg are stupid. Please seek therapy. -3

- MIKE. Cantering away from your paying clients and leaving them in a field because they keep calling you Michael means -3

- NOAH. You are annoying. -2

Bad: 8

33-8=25

The More Things Change (1): 22
The More Things Change (2): 1
Calm: 12
Flames: 25